Episode 97 Transcript

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Welcome to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm your host, Victoria Welsby and this is episode 97. Today, we're talking about when your spouse isn't attracted to your fat body.

You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm Victoria Welsby TEDx speaker, bestselling author and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self-esteem to being a courageous and confident fierce fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living in a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter. Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century. So how do you stop a negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty podcast. Let's begin.

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Hello, fatties. Welcome to this episode. 97. You know, I said before I need to do something for episode 100. And I just keep every time I get it. I'm like writing an episode. My Oh yeah, it's like 10 episodes away. I should do something. It's five episodes away. I should do something. So maybe ever episode 100 is just going to be a normal episode. And I'll celebrate the podcast a different episode now. I don't know. Wow. I don't know.

Anyway, this is 97. We don't have to think about that yet. Today's episode is kind of a few different things we're talking about. If your spouse isn't attracted to you, we're talking about leaving vegetarianism. We're talking about the dating apps. And we are talking about a little bit of weight science. Oh, cham packed with goodness today, right? Oh, it's gonna be good. All right. So first off, first off, first off. So do you know that I'm a vegetarian, I'm vegetarian, I've been vegetarian for a number of years, I'd say minimum five years less than 10 more than five, let's just say 7.5. And so I started my vegetarianism as a kind of half diety in half. Or I don't, I don't I feel sad about animals. Because I'm a very kind of sensitive type of person.

Anyway, and so then during my learning about diet, culture, and body positivity, fat positivity, all that type of type of jazz, I reassessed my vegetarianism, and realize that it wasn't just it wasn't that big of a deal to me, you know, being a vegetarian, like it wasn't like I was felt like I was missing out or anything like that. It wasn't coming from a diety place at that time. And it just felt fine for me to continue to be a vegetarian. And some, a lot of the times being vegetarian, If you are unlearning diet culture, people who are vegetarians or vegans, a lot of the time there's a there's diet culture behind it. And so kind of deeply intertwined. It's very hard to see.

And so it's kind of like, let's work how if, if this feels good, if this feels good, if it feels fine, if it feels like it's a point of stress in your life, that you're like, I really want to eat some meat, but I know I shouldn't. Because if I do then I'm bad. The I've never had been or that or that. I've always just been like, I'm just not that interested in me. And also, kind of it makes me feel really sad to think about animals. And so it's just been a non issue. Until last weekend, I've got a new next next door neighbor, my own next door neighbor moved out and I loved him and his husband, they were amazing. very rudely left. And anyway, so someone else moved in and that person is a cooker. They cook things and they cooked a chicken like a roast chicken. I went out into the hallway and I smelled the roast chicken. And it's not like I haven't smelled roast chicken and, and smells of cooking before obviously in all over.

But there's something in my mind was like, I need that. I want that. Oh my god, it smells so good. And I was like lingering in the hallway being like, Oh, God, that sounds so good. And then I had lunch with some m&m. Some internet is another does the same kind of thing as me go listen to her podcast, eat the rules. She's great. Anyway, I had lunch with some internet and I got this pizza there was this like this pizza with. It was like a cream based pizza like couldn't you know the cream sauce versus tomato sauce? And I never had I've never had that before. No reason I just just haven't haven't come across it before.

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And when I was eating it, I was like, oh my god, this is so good, what the heck. And I realized that the bass kind of reminded me of tuna. And tuna was a thing that I would eat all the time as a meat eater, that would be like my go to thing. I just fucking loved a Betta tuna. And so then like, there was this other thing. I was like, Oh my God, I want some tuna.

And so I've talked to some about this. I was like, oh my god, I think I'm gonna start eating some meat. But it feels very strange. My body's telling me that I want it and my brain is telling me that I want it and I'm absolutely no way going to deny myself. Especially because it's like two things in a row. And before I could appreciate me, right, like if someone had a, you know, some sort of nice meat dinner, I'm like, Oh, that looks good. But I wasn't like, Oh, that looks good. I want some. And so something has changed in my brain where I'm like, I want the meat. Give it to me, I don't know what it is. But so I have eaten, too had tuna. So I've had tuna. So that'll be like my that set felt like the easiest thing to start with. Because I don't want to overwhelm myself, I don't want to be like, go eat lots of different meats and scare myself off me because I still do have in the back of my mind, the animal thing. And so I'm just being curious about it and exploring it. And so I've had tuna on a few different occasions.

And the first it was very strange. me having it for the first time because it's like a texture that I haven't tasted in so long. And I was like, I don't know, I don't know about this. I don't know if I want this and but I ate it. And an hour later in the afternoon. I was like, I don't know if I feel if my body enjoyed that or not. But then the next day I my body was like, Yeah, I want some more. And so I had some more. And so anyway, I'm just exploring this, I think the next thing that I'm going to try some chicken. And yeah, I messaged my sister, my sister used to be a vegetarian. And she moved to Ireland like I did. But she started dating someone. And when you're vegetarian and single, it's very easy. But then when you're dating someone who is a meat eater, sometimes it can be a little bit complicated. And living in Ireland in rural Ireland, there's like, there's vegetarianism, they're like, what is that? Like? It's difficult to get vegetarian stuff. Anyway, so she was like, it was just so hard to be a vegetarian. So I just started eating meat. And I was like telling me about that experience.

And obviously I spoke to her about it before but I was really curious about like she would if she struggled with the thought about the animals and she was like, I just put it out my mind sort of thing. And yeah, suddenly, that's a new adventure. I'm, I'm trying and I might, I might be like, You know what, I've just, it might go away. Or my I might turn into like a meat connoisseur. Who knows? I don't know. But what I'm saying is that I wanted to share this with you to say that this is intuitive eating this is, you know, I've been happily a vegetarian, it causing no kind of mental health issues. It not being a thing, like it just wasn't a thing. I just didn't really think about it. And all of a sudden, for no particular reason. something on my mind is changed. So I'm just going to explore it and that's okay, that's all good. And it doesn't mean that I'm a bad person to want to try eating me and, and that vegetarians are morally superior, or vegetarians or vegans and Murray inferior or anything like that. It's just kind of intuitive eating being open and curious about food and just not making it a big deal.

So anyway, that's that's one update for you. Another update for you is I've been on the dating apps. I've been on the dating apps after last episode, when that person in that person saying the person saying I get hundreds of messages, I was like, Okay, I'm on the wrong dating apps. What is what is going on? I need to I need to get onto some of these plus size dating apps. Okay, so I I've got like a whole folder now on my phone of nine different dating apps, some plus size, some not. So what I've tried is So the first nonplussed thing is is OkCupid. So OKCupid I had a profile, but I wasn't doing anything with it. I was never I didn't even know what my password was. So I wasn't active. It was out of date. It was like, Oh, it was like talking about 2019 or whatever. So, I updated that I,

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I then downloaded. Whoo, plus, so that's W O plus. And that's a plus size dating app. I also downloaded plus r, so it's plus with the letter R. bust. Bust. And they are also plus size dating apps. Also, I have happen Ha, PP n. What is it with taking out the vowels here? happened with no E. Hinge, which is a new the new kind of app on the scene, and Bumble as alongside OkCupid. And I also have Tinder and Tinder that's it. I was at Tinder. But I haven't logged on to it recently. I can't believe it. I'm like trying to stick to a few. And so whoo plus is the best out of the the plus size dating apps. But it's still shit. Like weird, weird ass messages. Hardly any profiles. And I'm in Vancouver, which is, you know, lots of people who live here. You just kind of people don't really fill out their profiles, or they just say stupid shit. Yeah, so for I don't know, if it's just a Vancouver thing, a Canada thing. But we're plus, it's not really doing it for me. I'm not gonna give up, give up on it yet. I'm gonna keep being active on there and swiping and shit. But then plus our and bust are. They're just dogshit compared. I think you know what? I think you could happily meet people on all of those plus size dating apps. My criteria, I've got a very kind of clear set criteria of what I'm looking for.

And so I'm not looking for just some random person just to be like, Hey, I like big tits. And I cannot lie. You know, I have not really, I'm looking for someone with some substance. Right? So I mean, you could happily chat a lot chat away with people, I think on those apps. But this is a week's worth of evidence that I'm giving you. So don't take my don't take my word for it. Don't feel disappointed, because I'm saying that they're not great. It could be that I'm not doing the right things. And it's only been a week like, I mean, how long have I really spent on these apps? You know, maybe an hour each max over the last week? Yeah, so then, but the well I did a curvy Cupid course. It's not available to do anymore. But it's like how to find love if you're fat. Wrong by Krista Niles, who is a therapist, but she no longer does it. And she just got recently engaged. So she found that a curvy Cupid love.

Anyway, Chris denials in the curvy cubic course is saying that OKCupid is where it's at. And that has been my experience always is the OKCupid is where it is at. They just have like a really high volume of people. Good quality people have written filled out their profiles, you've got the questions of like, so you can see, you know, you ask questions like, Do you believe that people should be allowed to have abortions? And so people can write that out? That yes, no, whatever. And then you can be matched on a certain percentage. And so it's really good in that sense, because you can weed out people who are like, Would you ever date a fat person? Like there's an option where you can search for people who will date fat people? And of course not everyone is answered the questions because some people go in and they've only answer a few questions and some people have answered 1000s of questions and so it's not foolproof, but it's still very helpful. And it gives you in a lot of information about the person so the people that I talk to on ok, Cupid, ah

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high quality of match in regards to they also are, you know, liberal thinking and all that type of stuff. So I would suggest OKCupid as the kind of main thing.

And you can if you want to pay, you can screen out the people who you can screen out screen for people who say that they are comfortable dating plus size person. So I, I was meant to have a date on Friday, this Friday coming up. It's Wednesday today, I don't have a date on Friday. And last night, I actually canceled the date. So I want to share two to two interactions I've had on the app. So there's a boat, both of them are on OkCupid. So I met on OKCupid, this guy called Amir and you know, we have a high match percentage, you know, like 97%, or whatever, same beliefs, all that type of stuff. And having a good conversation. We booked for to go and have coffee on Friday afternoon. And it's all settings like great see Friday at 3pm. And then I was like, oh shit, you know what? on OKCupid there isn't the thing to say if you've vaccinated or not. And I was like, Oh, shit, like, of course, he's vaccinated. I'm just gonna check. So I said, Oh, hey, just checking. I forgot to ask your vaccinated I am. And he responded back saying, I am not. I was like, Oh, okay. And I thought, oh, you know, a bit of check that it's not like a health reason, because some people can't get vaccinated for, you know, health reason. And so I said, Oh, any particular reason? And he said, I'm not a, I'm not one of those conspiracy theorists, anti vaccine type people. But I've got my own reasons. And that's all I'm gonna say. And so I thought, No, I can't I Will not I refuse to be friends with day associate with people who are anti Vax, who people who are not getting the COVID vaccine for, for no good reason. And so I said, I'm so sorry. That's a real shame. But I can't date a someone who's not vaccinated. Feel free to reach out to me if you ever do you get vaccinated.

And that was that. And that was like, disappointing, because I thought, oh, you know, he seems like a really interesting guy. He's been traveling the world for 10 years. And yeah, there was lots of like, positives about him that I thought looked good. And then I was also talking to this other guy who was a film critic. And so I'm looking for, you know, maybe I'm looking for I haven't had sex in two years. Okay, so I, I'm looking for, you know, I'm happy to do some hookups and just get some get me some sex. That's cool with me. Also, really, what I'm looking for is something long term. So I think I probably need to do some, so do some of the sex in, get some sex, get the sex? And then I'll be ready to do some longer term dating. Oh, you know, it's fine. It just happens to be longer term dating that comes up.

But anyway, one thing is that I want sex. So I was messaging with this guy who's only looking for hookups and we were having a good conversation seem really chill, he is very open upfront. And I said to him, oh, so just checking that you are fat positive, because he seemed quite liberal. So I'm presuming that he would have known what fat positive means. And so trigger warning for if you're a straight sized. If you don't want to hear something cruel that someone says about straight size people skip ahead. Two minutes to avoid this. So so just skip ahead. I'm going to mention what he said now. So what he said. I said, that positivity says, Well, I'm X amount of pounds that you said fat guy. And and so, so yeah. And so I meant I saw I mentioned back saying, Oh, that's cool. Sometimes, so being fat doesn't mean that you're fat positive. A lot of fat people don't like fatness and and other fat people. And then he said, he said, Well, skinny girls. Boobs are awful. That's his his word. skinny girls boobs are awful. And I messaged him back saying, Say what now? I let you say what now? Um, no. All

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everyone's bodies are great, you know, kind of I can't read what I said. But I said, Say what now? And then I was like, kind of like, No, everyone is great. And so some people might be like, Oh, well, he said he's trying to say Oh, no. Okay. And then he was like, Well, what can I say? I'm a boob. I'm a boob guy. I originally thought that word boob. I'm a boob guy and He said fat people tend to have bigger boobs. And I have big tits, right? You've ever lived before? I hate you say he's a ditz, but that's my. Anyway, so I have big tits. And so yeah, like, he he's not saying anything bad about me. He saying actually, he likes my big tits. He probably couldn't see that I had big tits, but you know, in my pictures, because I don't have any like, tit pictures. And, and so I was like, No, this is not gonna fly. And the reason is the any type of shaming of human bodies saying that saying that about straight size tits? No, he's literally wrong. Like, he is literally wrong. And he's like, so he's a film critic, right? That's an like a radio DJ or whatever. And so it just made me think that he's there being like, categorizing tickets being like, oh, big tits are good, but only big tits that look like this. And a shape like that. And the nipples have to look like that, you know, because I'm, you know, those tips are a plus tips and these tips or d minus tips or whatever, that he's, he was objectifying tit owners and and it just felt so gross. Like he could just say yeah, man, fucking, I love a big. I love a big pair of tits. It's great.

And also all sorts of different body types. I mean, he didn't have to say that if that's what he didn't think. But still, it's it just made me think he's a he's a he's a judgy muck judge person. I mean anyone who gets into bed with any human should be fucking like feel lucky and pleased and excited not being like looking at it, so yeah, I am cut him loose to a match unmatched him see you later loser. And about he was like, Oh my God, she's gonna come round and suck my Duke. I just miss misgendered myself. Well, maybe he would have said that because he would have presumed that I a woman even though my profile says none, Barney. Anyway, whatever. So that's been what's going on? So I was gonna have a date. But no, turns out that they were a unvaccinated? I wonder, I wonder I'm gonna put it on my profile vaccinated. I wonder like, how many people are out here in the dating world trying to get their fucking balls sucked. And they're not vaccinated? I mean, come on now. No. And oh, I think that's I think that's a good kind of like indicator of who you are as a human right. And so if a guy or whoever I'm dying, because I'm paranoid, I will date all day anyone apart from SIS women, whoever is like, now, it just really tells me a big, you know, like that they are probably selfish that they are not believing in science that I mean, it's just a just a base, a big old red flag, right? So I was like, moving on from that. I want to talk about the idea of because I see this, often people messaging me saying, What do I do? My boyfriend, my husband, my spouse, whoever has said that they are no longer attracted to me or are attracted to me less because I've put on weight watchers, I do.

And this is so powerfully painful. And I wanted to talk about it because in my mind, it's really clear, this happened to me, this happened to me. So I've got this experience. I know what it feels like.

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And I mentioned live and I'm here to live the tail brief the tail of being told my spouse wasn't attracted to me or less attracted to me. So by the way, it's not okay, if you've experienced this, this is not okay. I'm so sorry. If you've had to experience that as someone telling you that they are no longer attracted to you or less attracted to you. It is not your fault. It is not your fault. You have done nothing wrong. Okay. Just sing that in just just take a moment and let that sink in. If your spouse has told you, they they are less attracted to you or not attracted to you. They don't want to have sex of you. Whatever. It is not your fault. You do not deserve To be treated like that, and I'm so sorry that happened to you. So let me share my experience here.

Now I've covered this a couple of times I did a little video on it. I'm sure I've done a podcast episode and I wrote a blog post blog post too. So let me read this blog post. It's not very long. It says the title of it is why I was happy when my boyfriend told me he wasn't attracted to me. So I wrote this four years ago. Okay, so quote, me, this is me, I wrote this is a little thing. So now, you know, why am I making like that? I'm like, I'm trying to kind of make make excuses. Because, because I wrote it stupid anyway. So I always got the impression one of my partners just wasn't that into me. Let me rephrase. Just Not That intimately looks. My suspicion was confirmed four years in when he told me that he didn't find me as attractive because I had put on a little weight, walking in the park, walking in the park at winter, when he shamefully told me his secret. I assured him, I would become better, I would lose weight. The next week, I went on, what would be my last diet, I vowed, I would lose weight, the quote unquote, healthy way.

And my partner would finally see me see how wonderful I was and think that I was the most beautiful woman in the world. Of course, as all diets do, it failed. I put on more weight. I became resentful. Why can he just love me the way I was? Why did he have to tell me something that was so devastating to me? I was filled with shame, anger and confusion. Why am I happy? Why am I am now happy. Why am I mistake? Why am I now happy that he gave me this information? Why I'm why I am. No, it's not a mistake. Why I'm now happy that he gave me this information is it led me on a path of self discovery around beauty. Six months after we split I asked him, would you have liked me better if I was thinner? Yes.

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This time to this time, his words didn't hurt. It didn't hurt because since I gave up on that last I have learned all about fat positivity and feminism. I have learned how our patriarchal society and beauty ideals hurt all of us. Why would a thin government be important to you? I continued. He explained that having a thin partner improves his status that having a small girlfriend makes him feel more masculine. Like a lot of people he has never explored our society's beauty ideals. We are constantly told that the most desirable are white, young and thin. This belief will hurt him as he searches for a new partner. It will hurt him when he finds a new partner and she ages it will hurt him if she ever puts on weight. It will hurt her to as it hurt me knowing that the man that I adored would prefer a different version of me.

Now I know it's not about me. It's the byproduct of living in a society that objectifies women. Men seeing their partner as a status symbol. And women believing their worth is determined by the number on the scale amongst other things. If I could travel back to that time in the icy cold Park, I would have had such a different reaction. I wouldn't have seen my body as a problem. But the fact that my partner believed my worth was decreased as my weight increased, I would encourage my partner to explore his idea of what is desirable. And if he couldn't see the beauty of my new of my waves and honey, then I would remove myself from the relationship. So if you're in the same situation as I was, No, it's not your fault. It's this fucked up beauty ideal. You deserve to be with someone who accepts you for who you are. And if they don't leave them. So that's it. That that that that time I remember it's so clearly walking in the park and the lake was frozen over and picking up stones and throwing on the lake trying to break the ice. And him just being like listen, I don't want to have sex with you as much because you've put on weight and I put on like fucking nothing like barely perceptible heart not even a dress size. Like that's that blows my mind.

All of it blows my mind and immediately I was just wore shame Shame, shame, shame. And I was just like, oh shit like not only did I Go on what would be my last diet, but I tried to be better in general, like, I tried to be a better girlfriend, when he had just had something so fucked up to me. And I was like, oh, you know, I'm gonna make him dinner and I'm gonna Lola, because I saw myself as an object. Okay, well, this object needs to be better. So, you know, I can't lose weight right now. So I'm gonna, you know, become an even better golfer, and I was such a good girlfriend, holy shit. He was so lucky that he was he got to Gibby with me, Oh, God. And I was with this this guy for six years. So that was that happened two years before the end of our relationship. And actually, it was, it was, it was a good thing. Because I mean, at the time, it wasn't, it sucked. I went on that diet. I didn't lose weight. I was like, you know, folks like this, I'm motivated by the deepest shame they just are, as you can imagine what that would feel like, and if you've even experienced, you know, like, holy shit, I was motivated, right? And so why can't I lose weight, and it led me to discover fat positivity. And, and then I shared that with him.

And I was like, Listen, this is why I can't lose weight. And we went to couples therapy. And one of the things in couples therapy is that I needed him to read health, every size. By Dr. lindo. Bacon, health, every size is science, science, right? Science, Science, Science. And he was science scientist. That was what he he was, yeah. So I was like, Okay, well, here's the facts, read this book, and you'll understand why this is such a big deal for me, and I can't lose weight, and why you're never gonna have me as a thin girlfriend. I was never thin when we were dating. And

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he just wouldn't. He just wouldn't. And so our relationship ended. And it was that and other things, too, like he was just so the one other you know, even the therapist was like, Okay, I hear you by this book. And I want you to both read this book. And eagerly, I went and booked the book, I read the book cover to cover really quickly, and then it sat on our coffee table for him to read for months, never touched it.

And so, you know, reading the basic book of how to do a relationship or whatever. And he couldn't do that. And so he couldn't grow. And and the, what what he needed to do in that moment, I mean, him confessing to me that he wasn't attracted to me, is not necessarily the issue. The issue is that he confessed this, and then he thought the solution was for me to change. But actually, the solution was for him to change. So here's, here's a quote from another piece that I wrote a while like a video that I turned into a blog post. It's called My partner told me I was no longer attracted. I'm going to link both of these in the everything I talked about today in the show notes. This is what a quote what I this is what I, he should have done, what should have happened.

So quote, thank you so much for sharing. I want you to work on your fatphobia because it's nothing to do with me. How you feel about fat bodies is nothing to do with me. So I encourage you to work on your fatphobia and your objectification of women. And if you can't do that, but if you can, that's wonderful, because you have a new woman here in front of you, and she is glorious. So what should have happened? Like if we were in a perfect world, he should have said, Listen, I'm really struggling. This is like this. This is not going to happen, but some people are but yes, some people have had this conversation list. I'm listening, I'm really struggling with my, my fat phobia, and I'm really objectifying you lately. And so, just to let you know, I'm going into therapy so I can work out what is going on with me and unlearn my patriarchal fat phobic objective, objectifying thoughts.

And then only thing like that is what should have happened, right? So if I was if I was dating a therapist, and a therapist was like someone who was who was very kind of in touch with with the reality of what is going on here. Versus being like I I have this problem to fix my problem. You need to change your body. Like no, no, no, no, no, no. And that's why I say in dating my body, I'm so lucky that I have a fat body because I can weed out the fat phobes because the fat folks don't want to date me. But if I had a smaller body, I might end up accidentally dating a fat phobe and then if I put on weight, then I'm stuck. Oh, shit, we've got a fat phobe telling me that they're not wrong. They're not attracted to me because I put on weight. Well, bollocks. You know, I can kind of screen out the bigots because they won't date me in the in the first place.

And so if you're kind of struggling with this idea that actually it's not your fault, I want you to, let's reframe it with something else. And it might be a little bit more obvious how this is a problem. Imagine if your partner came to you. And he's like, listen, listen, Dave, babe, I love you. But you're just getting really old. You just aging. And I don't find I don't find women or humans attractive. If they age, I'm only attracted to 21 year olds. Yeah, hopefully, you could see how fucked up that is, and how deeply inappropriate it is that your partner is expecting you to stay a certain age forever. And because this is just a thing that human bodies do. And that's the thing, human bodies gain weight, lose weight, our bodies do whatever we age, our bodies will change. It is a guarantee, if you're with someone for any period of time, your body is going to change. You can't stop that from happening. And so if you have a partner that's like, Okay, we need to freeze your body in this this time right now. Because I if you change in any way, then I'm going to be like, Oh, growth, I just want to have sex with someone who is

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who looks like a adolescent, you know? Like, it's just not realistic. It's just so fucked up. And priorities are so out of place. It's just, and maybe if you listen to me saying about the age thing, and you're like, Well, you know, I probably go and get Botox. If my partner said that, then I would say you're probably struggling with your own internalized misogyny, and all sorts of other stuff. So if you're still kind of like, Yeah, I think I should change my partner, then I'd encourage you to kind of keep exploring because it's not appropriate. It's just not appropriate.

So if you're in that situation, where the partner who saying that they are less attracted to you no longer attracted to you, I would really encourage you to, to get into individual therapy to get into couples therapy, and see if you can work it out. And please keep that thought with you that it is not your fault. You've not done anything wrong. And anyway, even if it is your fault, quote, unquote, fault. It's not. Even if you can't get behind that idea. What are you going to do about it? There's you, there's no, there's no evidence to support any way to reliably come become thin. So it's kind of like, what what? What are you going to do about it? Even if you are like, yes. Oh, my God. Absolutely. Right. I am fat and disgusting. There's no diet you can go on.

There's no secret method that you know, oh, actually, I'm doing it because my partner is attracted to me. There's no method to get your body reliably thin, long term. And during the dieting, it's probably going to make your body bigger, which is that's fine. But if you're trying to go after being smaller, then it's going to do the opposite. And like I mentioned, resentment, resentment that you're going to carry for your partner. It's not your problem. It's their problem. Okay. Okay. Okay. Good. All right. So I just want to end with a a post that Reagan Chasteen sent to her email subscribers this week, and it was really good and I wanted to read it to you it is titled, How can you ignore the correlation between weight and health? So let me just read this post to you from Reagan. Chasteen, my hero, I love Reagan. And again, I'm going to link this if you're not Following if you've not subscribed to Reagan's newsletter, go to dances with fat.org. What do you even doing with your life? And I don't. So this is this is this, let me read this out.

Okay. This is the this is one. Let me just read the title again, how you can ignore the How can you ignore the correlation between weight and health? This is one of the most common questions I get. The question goes, there is such a strong correlation between being higher weight and having health issues. How can you just dismiss that, especially when so much of the research you point to is correlational in itself. The thing is, it's not about just dismissing the correlational relationship between weight and health out of hand. It's about examining the evidence that's around that correlation to test the strength of it. Before we get too far into it, the relationship with the relationship between correlation and causation is at the foundation of research methods. My first research methods teacher made us repeat correlation. Never ever, ever, never ever, implies causation in ever, every class.

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If two things are correlated, it means that they happen at the same time. What it doesn't mean is that one of those things causes the other. For example, there is a strong correlation between sis male pattern baldness, and cardiac incidents. If we assume that baldness caused heart attacks, that would be a faulty assumption. If we then assume that making effective people grow hair would reduce cardiac incidents, creating a government sponsored war on baldness, blaming people for not growing hair, etc. That would be another faulty assumption. In fact, a third factor causes both the baldness and the higher rates of cardiac incidents.

So, when you see a correlational relationship between weight and health, but without a causal mechanism, the first question we have to ask is, what is the quality of the evidence? We have to examine the research that finds this correlation for quality. And when we do we find it lacking in some of the most basic principles of research. For example, if fat people are tested early and often for health conditions, and the then people are almost never tested unless they have advanced symptoms, it's spurious to assume that their health condition occurs more often in fat people. In another example, since too tight blood pressure cuffs give too high readings, and often fat people's blood pressure is tested using too tight cut using a too tight calf. We have to ask ourselves how accurate that correlation is. The next question we have to ask is, Could something else be causing this relationship? In this case, there are at least three major candidates weight stigma, as examined in mooning studies for example, weight cycling, for example, in their paper weight science evaluating evidence for a paradigm shift. Bacon an afro more found that the health impacts of weight cycling could explain all the excess mortality that was attributed to fatness in both fremington and the N Haynes and inequalities in healthcare in a health care exam examined in Lee and paws as stigma in practice barriers to health for fat women, for example.

So let me just round up in that last paragraph. So in this case, there are three major candidates and the three major candidates for increased risk of dying as a fat person, the three major candidates is weight stigma, so that is experiencing fatphobia weight cycling, that is dieting and inequalities in health care. That's fatphobia in health care. Okay, continuing so again, it's not about simply dismissing the correlation out of hand it's about the reality that we until we can account for the possible impacts of the research issues and confounding variables the correlation between weight and health has to be held in serious question not to mention the fallout from the extremely questionable acceptance of the correlation of weight and health as a casual relationship and the follow up extremely questionable assumption that weight loss is the quote solution drives massive additional harm looking at you weight loss industry is even more significant that's even more significant considering that studies like way a our math And a cow etc, show that understanding that health is not an obligation barometer of worthiness are entirely within our control, show that there are plenty of ways to support the health of people at any size that have nothing to do with body size manipulation. You can find diagnosis specific weight neutral practice guides and resources at the research bank at Hayes health sheets.com.

Finally, while it's worth while, I think it's worth having these discussions since so much of fat people's treatment, including healthcare is driven by this, we can never lose sight of the fact that fat people have the right to live without shame, stigma, bullying or oppression, no matter why we are fat, no matter what the, quote, health impacts and like be, and whether or not we could or even want to become thin. That includes the right to equal accommodation, including in healthcare. So then it's from a Rogen Chasteen. So I thought that was really important to show with you, because then because in your life, you as you're learning,

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fats, positivity, all that type of stuff, you're going to have people being like, but I just Googled it, and the World Health Organization, but the NHS, but the but the blah, blah, blah, websites say that fat people die all the time, and that you are going to live less long because of this. And then and you might be like, ah, Shitler Yeah, but like what? Yeah, yeah, like, but what? And so a kind of wrap up of what that article was saying. Correlation is not causation. So we don't know why fat people may have different health outcomes. We don't know the mechanism. There's, there's a, there's been a correlation, noticed. And the world has just been like, well, it has to be because they have more adipose tissue on their bodies. But there's no evidence to support that, that it's because they have, you know, we have more fat tissue on our bodies.

And then people might say, Well, what about there's a study recently that came out that says that there's free radicals in fat tissue, and that's that, and having that fat tissue means that you're, you're going to have these free radicals roaming your body causing cancer and shit. So when you see things like that come out, go and have a look at the study. See his system on humans? Is this done on animals? Is this a huge sample size? Or is it as in this study, a few mice, a few mice, and we all know mice at the same bodies as humans, and doing some tests on a few mice definitely means that it is a robust study. And absolutely 1,000% relates to people and, and the media thing is, I mean, media. God loves them. You love a good headline, right? And so when they, when they study saying, like, having fat on your body means that we know you're gonna get cancer and your eyeballs are gonna fall out of your head, then that's interesting.

So let's, you know, let's make a mistake and make an article about it. And they don't they don't look at the evidence really, because, you know, they're under tight deadlines. They're just trying to do their job, they want to get something out there. And and so we see these headlines like, fat causes us to our ears fall off and whatever. And then it's like, oh, well, there's a study that says, like Reagan saying, we need to look at these studies and be like, you know, like, the jaw wiring thing recently that I was talking about. And it's like, Oh, my God, what incredible study they did. And it's like, how many people did they do the study on like, 20, or something, or 15, or 10 or something? And it was two weeks. And so we look into it, and we're like, is, is that good evidence? Cuz that sounds like a study that we might do when we're like, 15 years old at school, you know, that's a level of how good it is. Anyway. So let me let me let me let me Okay, well, yeah. Well, let me I'm going to just wrap up, reiterate what I was saying about partners, not finding you attractive. Okay. So just because I think that's a really important thing, to to really get solidified in our birth.

So If you have experienced this, or maybe you fear that you might experiences a partner saying they are less attracted to you, or not attracted to you at all, because you've put on way, then I want you to know that, that is not okay. It is not your fault. And I'm so sorry that you have experienced that. And I actually experienced that myself. So my partner, who I was with for six years, four years into the relationship, confessed to me that he was less attracted to me because I put on a lot of a weight, a little bit of weight, like literally a little bit of weight, a few pounds. And at the time, it spurred me into doing going on a diet, which would be the last time that I ever went on

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a massive amount of shame, guilt, blaming myself, vowing that I would become better be a better girlfriend, be a better partner, be get thin and sexy, and all of that stuff. And, of course, I went on the diet, the diet failed, because diets fail, I put on more weight, because that's what happens when you go on a diet. And I became deeply resentful towards my partner. And eventually, we ended up splitting up. So what should have happened in that example is that if my partner was having these feelings he was what should have happened is that my partner would say, Listen, I'm struggling with fat phobic thoughts. I'm struggling with objectifying you. And so what I'm going to do is I'm actually going to go to therapy, and try and see if I can untangle all of these unhelpful thoughts. Because you are chefs kiss incredible, and I don't want my bullshit to affect our relationship.

And then maybe go to go to therapy, go to couples counseling, whatever. It is not your problem that a spouse is fat phobic, it is not your problem. Even if you do see it as your problem, there's no reliable way to lose weight. So what's the solution here, the solution is for your partner to earn, learn fat phobia, and earn, learn and pick apart what is going on with that objectification. And that desire or a need to have someone who is in a smaller body for them to be attracted to you. Being not being attracted to fat people is not a sexual preference is not made in a vacuum. We are taught what is attractive. And we can change our views about what is attractive, when we earn learn all of that fatphobia that we've all learned. So I want to send big, fatty hugs to you. Again, it's not your fault. It's not your problem to deal with. And I know it's just a just shame, pain, and it's just an awful experience. And I know a lot of the thoughts are going to be really swirling around your mind being like, Well, is it their fault, or is it my fault? I should just stop being so unattractive? No, I'm sorry. You experienced that? You deserve to have a partner who loves and respects you and appreciates your body. Okay, so now you've been hanging out with me today. I'm going to go and get my teeth cleaned. Oh yeah. Oh, y'all gonna get my teeth cleaned. It's gonna be I'm gonna cut look come back looking like Hollywood celebrity with my white teeth. And they're just cleaning them. They're not doing anything else to them. And I'm super excited. So thanks for hanging out with me today.

And I'll see you in the next episode of the face value podcast soon learn aka stay FERS honey thanks for listening to the episode and if you feel ready to get serious about this work and wants to know when the doors open to fears fatti Academy which is my signature program, where I teach all about how to overcome your fat phobic beliefs and learn to love your fat body. Then go to first party.com forward slash waitlist again that is phase fatty.com. Forward slash waitlist to get your name on the waitlist for when first party Academy My signature program opens