Episode 189 Transcript

SUMMARY:

  • Internet beef and a song parody about stolen recipes. 0:00

  • Anti-fat bias in the workplace with 95.65% of respondents experiencing it. 2:15

  • How anti-fat bias almost ruined speaker's life, now unlearning and living a more confident life. 8:13

  • Eating disorders and body image as a fat person. 14:36

  • Advocating for oneself in healthcare settings. 18:14

  • Body image, disordered eating, and self-esteem. 25:03

  • Body image, self-erasure, and the impact of societal beauty standards. 29:44

  • Body image, self-acceptance, and personal growth. 32:57

  • Anti-fat bias, food, and self-care. 38:44

  • Neurodivergence, food, and forgetting to eat. 42:56

  • Self-expression, identity, and mental health. 45:25

  • Body image, relationships, and personal growth. 51:21

  • Unlearning weight bias and self-care for fat individuals. 56:31

Read the transcript alongside the audio.

Vinny Welsby 0:00

You're listening to the Fierce Fatty podcast episode 189 Six ways hate in my fat body almost ruined my life. I'm your host, Vinny Welsby They/them. Let's do it.

Hello, welcome to this episode How you doing? How's life? You're right. I'm all right. You're right. All right, good. It's nice to see ya. I've got a song in my brain, but a song in my brain. Probably I've got this song in my brain because I listened to it about 100 times the other night. ADHD, ADHD is fucking with me. Actually, that's not the song. But do you I don't know if you ever saw this, but during the pandemic, there was this person who took internet beef and made them into songs. I'm gonna put it in the show notes because this thing I just it's just it's just perfection. The song goes. So he's he's he's reading the lines of like a Facebook post. Care. No know. Keep my name out of your thin mouth. And what did Caroline do? Hell, she stole my broccoli. casserole recipe. A is a girl and claimed it was hers. She was oh you not talking about E mopey. Friend Carolyn or she Griffin later? Question later. She's a rotten recipe still in Mitch, Joris. Ooh, kettle, who your friends are honestly, that login jingle that's the whole thing. Is is in my brain. And I am not mad about it. Because it's a it's a it's a bump. As the children say it's a it's a tune. It's a it's a jingle. I'm gonna put it the the video for it. It's in the show notes. You know, the person is like he's wearing I'm presuming him pronouns. Like a bonnet and then Karnas in his hair. And there's if you go on Tik Tok, there's other people who've done versions of it. And some of them are just magnificent. Anyway, we're here to talk about that stuff. A little update on the last episode, we did the work stories. And I was making the we're inclusive report. We're inclusive consulting report. Well, a couple of days ago, I managed to complete it after a zillion hours of work, a real labor of love. And so I sent it to the people who took the survey and said, Here, listen, here's a rough draft, if you want to have a look at it, you get a sneak peek and therefore. So if you want to correct any mistakes that you see, let me know, like proofreading it and it's a 58 page document. And I am so proud of myself because there was only like, four mistakes in the whole document. Said, although I keep going through and being like oh, here's a little error, there's gonna be a little like, if didn't move this thing, one thing to the left or whatever. I have a degree in illustration. So I have a little bit of an eye for graphic design. So I noticed like little things are just it's I'm being I'm being I'm being I'm being too perfectionist shinny with it at the moment. So anyway, I'm literally looking at it as we're speaking and editing everything, that box needs to go three millimeters to the left. That way it's going to be you're rarely perfect. So silly. Anyway, so this thing is if I do say so myself really fucking good. And we have lots of stories. We shared some of them in the episode last time, but we've got lots more. And we've got all of the stats that have been completed and the impacts and analysis and pictures of fat people. I mean, it's amazing. So I'm going to endeavor to have the link in the show notes but if you're but I haven't like done the landing page yet. So I'm going to hope my A gage D brain remembers to put the link in the show notes for you. In fact, I'm gonna put, I'm gonna make a little reminder right now to do it. But if for any reason, this reminder fails me, you can probably when this episode is out, just go anywhere on my website, and all my LinkedIn and find a link to download it yourself if you want if you want. So, okay. And the way that you would use that report is that you would if you're in the workplace, and you've even just read it just for you know, because it's interesting. But also, if you are in a workplace, you can show your if there's any decision makers about if you are allowed to invest in anti bias training, or if it even is a topic that can be on the blocks, you can show this data or the data is I looked at, so around 75 plus percent. The first one of the first questions was, have you experienced anti bias in the workplace? And around 75 plus percent said, Yes. And then the next question was, have you experienced these things? And so then it listed out lots of different experiences of anti fatness. And of those people that said, No, I haven't experienced it, or I'm unsure if I've experienced almost all of them went to go on to say, Oh, actually, yes, I have experienced it when I when I listed out experiences, right. And I think the reason for that is because that people are not aware that someone making fat jokes is anti fatness or people talking about how they want to lose weight because they don't want to be fat is anti fatness. And so when it's spelled spelled out people like oh, yeah, well, definitely, I've experienced that. And so the statistic was 95.65% of respondents described experiences of anti fat bias in the workplace 95.65% and the that we had 336 survey respondents, just an FYI. So it's not an insignificant number. So you so you know, as fat people we know, right? That this is just such a common experience. But just knowing that almost 100% of every fat person in the workplace is experiencing anti fat bias or has experienced anti fat bias. Almost 100% Isn't that huge? Hey, Arnold. Huge, makes me want to say that line from pretty big mistake. Huge. You know, she goes in and into the shop. Yeah. And so go download it, beloved, bloop, bloop, use it, read it, whatever. Oh, not, this might not interest you. And I've asked you, that's okay. So, I've been thinking about because I have a training coming up it, you'll be able to get the replay if you want. Probably this episode comes out, but I have a training coming up, how to unlearn anti fat bias, so that you can feel at peace with your body, and others. And it's a brand new two hour training that I'm doing. And anyway, I was thinking about this, like, why what has what's different in my life, now that I am and have been working to unlearn anti fat bias. By the way, this is like a lifelong thing, right? Because the way that I see it is my brain is constantly being bombarded with not as much as before, because I curate my life as much as I can, but is a big bond on bombarded with anti fat messaging. And so it's like a constant kind of like, what thing has snuck in or what thing is still there. And luckily, my brain is amazing and will ever so often be like, here's an anti fat belief, and I'm like, Hey, thank you brain. Let's work on that one. So anyway, it's a lifelong thing. No one's no one's ever, quote, cured from being anti fat. We all are anti fat, right? Unless you live in this, I'm thinking like, what? There are some people who've like grown up and they've had wonderful experiences and have learned to say that all of that stuff is bullshit, but I've never met one but I know they must exist. I know that people must exist, and they're just like, oh, what you were doing that is great and thin is great and whatever. But you know, almost all of us have those those beliefs in our in our brains. And so not I don't need to list I kind of like the benefits of unlearning anti fat bias and how anti fatness almost, you know, oh, I say almost ruined my life but I just think with that, that of Holy shit. Imagine if right now. I was still in it. Oh my goodness, oh, just wow, my life would look so different. So different. Here's my prediction, I would be dating some I don't wanna say, loser, maybe that feels unkind.

I will be dating someone who was unsuitable for me and who is, is, I would perceive them as the best I could get as a fat person, I probably would have had kids not saying that having kids is bad or anything, but I don't want to have kids and my confidence in not dating just any old Tom, Dick, or Harry has meant that I've been able to assess, did I actually want kids because I used to want kids, and almost had kids with one of my ex partners. Were talking about it, right. And I was like, let's do it. And we were together for six years. And so it was a very real possibility. And anyway, so I would have been tied to this partner who didn't meet my needs. So who probably maybe wasn't the greatest parent to this to these fictional children that I have. And then I would be continuing on the generational trauma of body hate to my children. Because I'd be like, Oh, we can't have fat kids. If I'm fat, we can't have fat kids, we're going to do everything to make sure that I don't fuck up these kids by making them like letting them be fat. And so I'd be fucking up my kids with. Although I wouldn't, I wouldn't be trying to obviously, I'd be thinking that let's let's, let's do good by them, but making sure that they're thin people, you know, because I fucked up my life by being fat. So let's help them not fuck up their lives by being fat. That's what I would be thinking, I promise. But then also, I'd beat obviously love them lots. So would I be living where I am? Probably not. Would I be doing the same activities? Probably not. Like you know, spending going summertime going to the beach with my friends and playing with my dog and wearing a thong bikini a couple of weeks ago, went to the beach with a few friends and was just like, You know what, I've got this, this bikini bottom that the front is way too tiny. Like the front was made for a straight sized person. And you know, would be obscene if I wore it the correct way round. And then the back was bigger. Like what the heck, like what the front was made for someone who like, I don't know, a Barbie or something. If I had worn at the front way, then then it would have just been, you know, a thong worn the wrong way. So anyway, I worked the other way round. And so then it became a thong bikini, and I was just like, I look at my bum hole, not the hole, the cheeks, look at my, my bum cheeks, and didn't give a fuck and it was just great. Would I have done that before? Fuck, no, I'd be wearing a cover up at the beach and being like, Oh my God, who can like what if? What if I go in the water and this t shirt is clinging to me and and people can see the outline of my body all the horror. So I wouldn't be doing the same things. So yeah, anyway, that's my prediction of, and again, not saying that having kids is like some terrible thing. But you know, if I did have kids, I would have been I didn't want to have kids, but I didn't realize that until I could get out of genome heteronormativity but I would be fucking up the kids. If I did have kids, they'd be great kids. They wouldn't imagine if I had kids, they'd be amazing. Don't want kids anyway. So I thought about the the kind of the six main ways that hating my fat body almost ruined my life. And so let's go through them and then what it's like now, now this is my experience. This might not be your experience, you might have different things going on and also the kind of after unlearning anti fat buy stuff. Again, that not might not be the way things other people experience it or you would experience it if you have or are going to or thinking about unlearning anti fat bias. This is just the way things I have seen but my experiences are not unique. And after talking to a lot of people about anti fatness and helping people overcome anti fatness these are just so fucking common experiences eye rolling ly common. So when I say ironically, I was just like, oh, this is so sad. Like I said I roll of oh, what are we accepting? Anyway? Okay, first way is when I had my fat buildup body, I would restrict my food to lose weight and subsequently developed to restrictive eating disorders. By the way, I always say when I say eating disorders, and I say restrictive eating disorders is I feel like when I'm putting it's kind of like a difficult thing of when I say restrictive eating disorders. I say it because I want to challenge anti fat bias. And say by the way, fat people have restrictive eating disorders and all eating disorders are restrictive. Right now. I was like all many most words. Yeah, I guess you can have like a different relationship with food. But I'd say like, you know, obviously, anorexia is restrictive and the word so I had a typical anorexia, atypical means anorexia, and that person, and binge eating disorder and binge eating disorder is a restrictive eating disorder. And people don't know that it's a restrictive eating disorder, because they just see the consequences of the restricts restriction. Anyway, so I say restrictive eating disorders so that people are challenged that fat challenged by the idea that fat people don't have restricted eating disorders, they only have BPD, which they were that they perceive as a non restrictive eating disorder, an eating disorder, where you're eating too much, which is not the case, you might be eating more than your body wants, but the reason for that is because of restriction anyway. And so then also, then I'm thinking about the idea of good, Fatty, bad, fatty dichotomy. And am I when I'm saying restrictive eating disorders, am I being the quote, good, fatty and being like, well, I didn't have one of the greedy, restrict eating disorders, you know, not that there is a greedy one. But that's how people perceive the IDI not everyone. So, so I'm, you know, I'm thinking about anyway, I'm one sentence and I'm already dissecting every word being like. Yeah, anyway, so at the moment I'm, I'm going with with using restrictive eating disorders, because it feels like it's challenging anti fatness, more than it is the more than it is playing into it. But I'm one of those good fat people. But yeah, if that could change. Alright, so from the moment I opened my eyes in the morning, I thought about food and what I would soon be, quote, allowed to eat for breakfast, and then counted down the moments until lunch and then did the same for dinner. And this behavior was praised, because I was fat. I remember so clearly going to the doctors and being like, jumping on the scale. And the doctor being like, Oh, wow, what are you doing? This is emerging, and I happened to be going through old doctor's notes, because I had to get done. I had to get my, my doctor's records for something. And anyway, so this is like 20 years ago, and I could because they would weigh me every time I went to this, the British doctors, they'd weigh me every time. And so you'd see my weight, just dramatically drop, which between the visits, like, huge amount, and I'm like, now I'm like, hello. This is a cause for concern, not phrase. And if I wasn't someone in a smaller body, then on my notes on my charts, it would have been like, you know, has a restrictive eating disorder or disordered eating or is losing weight way too much way too quickly. But because I'm a fat person, they were just like, yes, you get it. You keep doing what you're doing. Oh, and you starving yourself. Love it. It's working for you. By the way, why this is on my mind. I want to tell you something. So I got a new health care provider. Last one was just a comically awful, you know, you go in and she, you know, she'd open the door. She'd be like, Look at you, she wouldn't even look at you. But she kind of like, what, what do you want? Why are you here? And when I got my ADHD diagnosis, she she was like, well, people just buy them off the internet. And she's just just terrible, just terrible. Anyway, so some in in in told me about this place was wood. That was they had some nurse practitioners that was taking clients anyway. So then I met this met this did a virtual call with with this with this guy who would be my theoretically my new healthcare provider. And it was great, good, perfect timing what I did, and he was like, Oh, cool. And I was like, Oh, my God, he didn't you know, he said, Oh, cool. When I said, I'm, you know, I help people learn antivirus. Anyway. So then I told him, I said, I have a history of of restrictive eating disorders, as well as all of the other things, you know, because you need to know your history. After our call. He sent me an email and in that email was linked to do two diets. And I was just like, I was so excited and hopeful. And then I was like, wow.

How did you not hear the whole I have a history of restrictive eating disorders anyway. So I was like, I think this person is a good person and cares about my care. I did not think about that. Think that about my old doctor. And so he was like, book a meeting with me and we'll do like blood pressure or whatever. And so when I went to the meeting with him, I had a plan in mind to tell him, ask him if he would like some feedback on making the experience more fat positive. And so I went in and I had some light I took some, like, little postcards from my business being like, this is a fat positive space. And then also, some don't weigh me cards. And at the end, I said, Hey, this has been great. You're amazing. I was basically like, Oh, I love you. And I was like, Would you like some feedback? And he said, Yes. And I said, Hey, this thing happened. And and he was like, Can we say much? And so then I started, I kept talking. And I was like, you know, so my recommendation is, you know, don't prescribe diets to anyone, even if, you know, especially people who have a history of eating disorder. And I was like, you know, the Canadian Canadian Canadian group of doctors who said that diets don't work. And you know, we have 100 years of history to show that dieting doesn't work. And, and I was listening to myself being like, wow, I'm just so anxious in this moment. And like, apologetic and afterwards, you know, you said, Oh, but what if someone has someone XYZ? And I said, Well, oh, I said, Oh, well, you were nutritionist. And they and he was like, Oh, no. And I said, Okay, well, then you can refer them to a nutritionist, preferably one who is health, every size aligned. And then I just was, like, I felt so vulnerable. And after, and then after that, I was like, but by the way, this has been the best experience with a healthcare provider of my life, which is true, which is true, but I was just like, and also, this won't be every time we meet, I'm not going to be critiquing your work every time we meet and, and, you know, I'm sorry. And I was basically on my hands and knees not literally, but I was like kissing his feet, metaphorically being like, I'm so sorry for even bringing it up. And and I was like, but I'm a good patient. And oh, my goodness is just like observing what I was doing and being like, wow, you this is this is like a difficult triggering for you, you know, something's happening, because I wanted him to perceive me as a good fat person, not a troublemaker. I didn't want him to be writing in his notes being like, this fucking bitch, came in here and told me some weird stuff and asked for evidence based care, how dare they, but anyway, I did it, blah, blah, blah, you know, no one died. But it really just reinforced to me, I've been doing this work for 10 years. Right? I'm a very confident person. I am confident in speaking, I'm confident in overcoming difficult conversations, you know, like I'm, I'm able to be level headed and able to communicate in a way that's aligned with my values. And how easy was when there was a power imbalance for me to almost become this kind of sniffling apologetic? That that's not very charitable towards me, it's not very kind to call myself sniffling. But how quickly? I tried to minimize myself versus just being like, This is it? Because I have not done a lot of this stuff with healthcare providers, because my old doctor was just absolutely awful. I would barely say anything to her because she was just so bad. So there was not a chance in hell, I would ever have a conversation with her. When I would go into the clinic and the person taking me to the room would be like, Let's weigh you, I'd say, oh, no, thanks. But that was like, you know, someone else. It was a different power dynamic there. So anyway, so I'm saying all this is I want you to share this story. But also, if you are, are doing this and advocating for yourself, and you're feeling like oh, like, oh, I can't do it. I'm too scared. I get it. I feel I don't, I don't always get it. Because you have might have different identities for me. But I understand. I mean, I've always known that it's everyone's different. But just remember, just think if I found it hard, and I've been doing this, this is my job. I've been doing this for 10 years, if I found it hard, and my pulse rate quickened. And you're berating yourself because you maybe forgot what to say or you didn't do it or whatever. Please don't. Because this stuff is difficult. I are all right, good. But, you know, Reagan chair Stein has has courses and also the fact Dr. Asha lomi has stuff like advocating for yourself at the doctor so you know, go and take their stuff and if that's helpful for you, and sometimes it's just safer just not say anything, you know, like with me, my Oh Dr. If I said oh, you know, she felt like she'd like shut up. I hate you anyway, so I felt it was a positive it was a positive experience, by the way talking to the talking to that nurse practitioner and I think that we're going to develop a really good relationship where it can continue maybe increasing my safety by advocating for myself. And hopefully then as I continue to practice that in healthcare setting, it will become easier is my is my theory. Okay, so anyway, number two, I'm sorry, I'm just being good. Bloody rambling. Oh, and I'm and I on this podcast. I hope that's okay. And you just like hanging out with me? No matter what I see for maybe somebody who's new to the podcast is like for fucksakes Shut up. Wow, I'm really projecting. I was just like, oh, the doctor says Shut up. And then the listeners say shut up. Listen, I'm just going to be myself. tell you stories randomly. Okay, so the six ways hitting my body almost ruin my life or restrict food and eating disorder disordered eating. Next, a gigantic portion of my mental energy was spent on thinking about how I looked, and working out how to disguise my fatness from others. I got to events late or not at all after changing outfits multiple times, only to feel terrible, in them all that mental energy on us to learn. It was a full time job thinking about what my body looked like and what food I was allowed to eat allowed in quotations that is tiring, and is really tiring. And the distress of putting on outfits and just being like, Oh, it doesn't look right. Pulling out another outfit. No, this doesn't look right. either. I don't feel good. And then putting out another outfit and just look at the time I need to go on let's try the first one again. And oh, just I can just feel that in my chest. That anxiety. I remember driving to a friend's house and just crying and my partner at the time was just like what what's what's what's wrong with you? And I was just like, I just don't feel good. It was just it made the whole thing where I was like, I don't even want to go. I do not want to go because of how I feel about what I look and I know so many people have experienced that. Or you know, the whole time just thinking like, I just looked so unattractive compared to everyone else and oh, like pulling my tugging at my clothes to make sure it hides my fatness when I mean I have a whole hour podcast episode which is funny ways I used to describe disguise my my dad used to disguise I used to try to disguise my fat body funny ways. I used to try to disguise my fat body. And honestly, I thought I was fucking an illusionist, David Copperfield is that the name of that that American magician, whatever, Penn and Teller. I thought I was doing some magic tricks. By doing things like I would go to the store and purposefully buy clothes that were too small but had stretching them so that I could wear something was that was like a medium or a large in the hopes that my label might stick out. And then someone might walk by see that label and be like, Oh, an M Hmm. My eyes told me they were fat. But I was wrong that they're wearing a t shirt which is which is size M even though I can see that it's busting at the seams and clearly too small for them. But no, I was wrong. They're actually a thin person. That's what I thought would happen. Or I would eat eat cereal with a teaspoon. I don't know why because this doesn't make it's not logically making sense. Surely if you ate with a huge spoon or ladle you Syria with a ladle, it would make your body look bigger. But my logic was eating with a small spoon looked like made it look like that I was so dainty, and tiny. I can only possibly fit one cheerio in my mouth at

a time. That was my that was my thinking that someone would see that small spoon and be like wow, that is a tiny person using a tiny spoon to eat them one cheerio Wow, my eyes were telling me they were fat but now I've seen that spoon a you a tiny little supermodel as you are Oh my goodness. There's a whole episode about those those silly little things that I would do. And you know I'm saying silly but you know it's very it's obviously that was very painful for me at the time and deeply embarrassing and shameful and, and now I'm looking back and just being like, what was I thinking? And you know this humor there. And there's also a ton of pain and I'm sure there's lots of things that you could probably think of of ways that you might have tried to disguise your, your your body that maybe were nonsensical. Maybe they maybe weren't nonsensical, I don't know. So next one, I was afraid of looking silly or unattractive, I would hide myself figuratively. And literally, I didn't want to be in pictures or be seen in a swimsuit, for example, I missed out on so many joyful moments, and was erase from memories because I didn't want to be perceived as my genuine as a as my genuine self, a fat person. So yeah, that's a huge one for a lot of people is not being in pictures. And I just really think you're erased from history. Because you, especially if you have children. And even if you don't, we look at photos. And we're like, oh, yeah, and obviously, sometimes we don't need photos. But if you have photos from when you were a kid, you would look at those photos, and you might not have any memory of the event, but you have a memory of the photo. And if, say your mum was not in any of those pictures, because she thought she didn't look good. That's so sad. You're literally being erased from that memory of the photo or, or the, the the experience to be seen, and it makes sense. Like if you're struggling with body image, or anti fatness that you don't want to be seen, because you see yourself as bad or less than or unattractive. And you're thinking, I'll be in the photo when I'm thin. But then you already have photos of if you are in the photo when you're new and you have photos that are not representative of the true your true self. Like I have photos of me when I'm thin and I just think, Oh, it's so sad. I was so you know, proud of myself for being thin. So I'm not looking back on those photos being like, Oh, look at me, I was so good looking. I'm thinking, oh, I want to go and give you a hug. There's a picture of me at the counter of a kebab shop after bid on a night out and I was drunk. And I'm smiling and I'm like, thin. And I remember being in that kebab shop and be and thinking I'm not ordering a kebab. No way I think I got just chips or something. And then it would have been like, well, you know, I've blown the diet. And I've already blown the diet because I've drunk alcohol and that's so many points. So I wasn't thinking and all my friends are around me and I'm so I'm not meant remembering all of the wonderful times. laughing with my friends. I'm thinking what I was thinking at the time, which was this is an anxiety inducing moment. But I'm also proud to show my thin body and I was proud at the time when I looked at the picture being like, Oh, you can see my jawline, but now I'm over that stuff. I'm like, Oh, that's so sad. I would love if I had pictures of me in my all my fatness, all my unattractive angles. Because I know I'd look back and just be like, Oh, you little QEII Well, I wouldn't have if I was still an anti fatness, I'd be like, Oh God, but I really just look back now with like, such compassion of who I was and who I am. Okay, next, I accepted terrible behavior from others. I was abused homeless and had awful jobs, surface level friendships. I tolerated dismal romantic partners, one who said he wasn't attracted to me as much because I gained a few pounds and another who laughed at my body. I didn't believe I was worth more because I was fat. So I accepted those. Those dynamics, my romantic partners. Honestly, I always just thought well, I'm lucky to have them. Yeah, they might be a giant dickhead. But what else I'm not gonna get anyone like them again. As in someone who tolerates a fat person and I'm just like, oh, now I'm just like no no, please don't accept that shitty babe. You know? And that was just that was you know from from everyone right? And if I had to go back 1015 20 years ago and be friends with myself and my group of friends that I had at that time. I would not have fun because all we like all will be talking about is oh my god what diet Have you tried? And how many calories does this thing have? And what do I look like? And am I as soon as that person on my bigger than that person? Oh my god. Did you see what so and so was wearing? be so boring. And so that's my next point is I bonded by gossiping. I wasn't exactly fun to be around. All I wanted to talk about was dieting, gossiping about other people's bodies who didn't adhere to beauty standards that I thought were acceptable. I was so passionately angry about certain things that women were doing that I perceived as unattractive or bad, I will just be disgusted by them. I was so judgmental, like, for example, tattoos. Now I read it. Now I really want a tattoo. I've been thinking about it for years. But when I was younger, I'd be like that disgusting. Who would ever have attacked this just, if I was forced, I remember having a conversation with someone that we were saying, if we were forced, by, you know, by threat of death to have a tattoo, we'd have a.on the bottom of our soul. And that would be it. And now I'm just like, judgmental, much like, I just really, you know, or people wearing certain things, you know, dressing in certain ways. I would thought that was not my fashion sense, but I would be so angry about it. And venomous because I hate myself that was all the venom that I was getting from anti fatness and, and beauty standards that I wasn't able to meet myself. And so I put down other people, because it made me feel ever so slightly better. I'm not one of those people that has a tattoo. And now I'm like, oh my god, I love your tattoos. You know, and if someone has a tattoo that I just I don't think is the greatest who the fuck cares. I don't care what the phone is none of my business doesn't make them feel good. Whatever, I'm just wouldn't fun to be around that much. I probably was sometimes but you know, I wasn't a terrible person. I don't know, maybe it was. But it was a boho ring. Okay, finally, my life goals revolved around weight loss or attempting to attain beauty. I dreamed about the day that I would be, quote, fit enough to wear a bikini or certain clothes size, clothes sizes, clothes, sizes, clothes sizes. Other life aspirations was secondary thinness was the ultimate goal. Thinness was the ultimate goal that was the pinnacle of humaneness, you could not say anything to me, if I had reached that goal of fitness, because the way that I looked at it, it was like get to the level of fitness, then you could unlock all of these other life achievements, get to fitness, then you can be an astronaut, get to fineness, then you could be a celebrity get to fineness, then you could have an amazing partner get to thin you know, so get to thinness was the the, the thing I needed to get to in order to start my life, and continue on with my life, you know, be an astronaut or have a partner that's kind to me or wear a bikini, I couldn't see that that was possible, unless I hit this first achievement. So all of those other achievements were tertiary, because this is the only thing that mattered. You know, I couldn't fathom that those other things could be done in a fat body. Or if they were it was like I was No, it was like I was driving a car. But I'd never had a No, I've never passed my driving test. Or I'd never learned how to drive a car. I was just driving the car. And so you know that you'd be driving the car really shitty. So you know, those goals. If you did meet those goals of having of being an astronaut, you are a shitty astronaut, because you had a bigger body. So think about the Think about the energy if you've achieved other things in your life, the energy that takes it takes to achieve something really big. Like for me, like the My biggest achievement, I perceive the biggest the highlight one of the hardest things is my TEDx talk. It was it took a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot a lot. And I think becoming thin, temporarily. took more, it did it took more effort and consistency and constant thought and action

for a long time, to become temporarily thin. That it was more effort than to do my TEDx, which was a huge effort. It took my TEDx the whole process was a year process and it was just massive. It was massive. And so what have I got to show for the amount of effort I put in with being temporarily thin is a disordered eating. body hates gobs of shame because then when I stopped being temporarily, I'd say I say thin but uh, you know, I wasn't thin, thin, thin, thin, which is, you know, because we're never thin enough. Are we? Right? Yeah. The, the amount of efforts for what for what Why, but then the amount of effort I put into my TEDx. Now I have a TEDx. I have something to show for it. And a real tangible thing that I'm proud of. And yeah, fuck, I was proud of being temporarily thin when I was temporarily thin and then I ended and, you know, then I was like, embarrassed. I used to be temporary thing. And now look at me. I'm a murse Yeah, so fun. Fun, fun, fun. So yeah, yeah, yeah. So what it looks like now what it looks like now. And now that I've, I've spent a lot of time and learning this bullshit, and not just anti fat stuff. Like I've I've spent a lot of time in therapy and learning different systems of oppression. And I can tell like, I feel like anti fatness. Obviously, I've worked on the most, I've worked on the most, but it's all interconnected. And I also still have a ton of work to do when it comes to other systems of oppression. Because I know that they're affecting me, and they are harming me, and I'm therefore harming others, because I have not yet understood and unlearned completely, you know, racism, or ableism, or you know, etc, etc, right? So, maybe in 10 years time, I'll be like, Oh, this is 10 years ago, you'll never guess what I was doing. But it's, you know, anti fat bias is not a standalone topic. It's, it's, it's intersectional. And the more that you unlearn other systems of oppression, the more that all areas of your life and humanity is better, right, so. Okay, so after learning on after working on AI learning and learning anti fat bias, I don't think about food much. Aside from Oh, it's lunch, I should guess I should eat or enjoying food that I like, without guilt or feeling like I'm out of control, or, you know, food is just not quote a thing for me anymore. When I say our thing, I mean, like an issue, like it's a thing because obviously I ate food to survive, and I enjoy food and, and sometimes I might eat more food than my body wants. And, but if that happens, I'm just like, oh, obviously, I was, you know, really enjoying that food or, or obviously, I needed that for whatever reason. So versus being like, Oh God, I'm such a bad person. I feel like my tummies is fuller than is slightly comfortable. But I never know. I so clearly remember that feeling of eyes opening being like food. You know, almost like the Terminator, you know, like, ah, laser eyes red beams being like, track the food, you know? Because I was so deprived. I was so deprived. I was so mentally and physically hungry. Thank fuck, my brain did that for me. My brain was like, we need to survive. Okay, listen, you didn't eat any up enough food yesterday. So this morning, first thing we're doing? I'm gonna tell you remind you this ding dong is not eating food. Come on. It's some food. Look, we're putting all our energy to get some food. And so then I open my eyes would be like, my brain would like, eat some food, get some good, go get some food for fuck sake, get some food. And I'm like, I'm so greedy. Look at me. All I think about is food and my brain like Firefox like, yeah, no wonder you only think about food because we're starving, give us some food. And then I'd pathologize myself being like, I'm addicted to food. And my brain were like, Ah, you're not addicted to food, just feed as an hour, chill out. And now because I've fed us my brain body, my brains like, Oh, you don't need to remind this, this silly idiot that that they need to eat all the time. You know, unless they forget because of midnight. They're deep in work or ADHD and then I'll feel it in my my body. But you know, there's different for Neuro. It's different for different neurodivergent people. A lot of times I forget to eat lunch. I think if it wasn't for Google my dog, I would forget to eat lunch quite regularly. But do Google bless him or love him. He comes to me if it gets too late. If it gets to 2pm He'll come to me and stare at me and gently tap his feet. He doesn't eat anything at lunchtime, his his dinner is morning and night. But he will say excuse me, it's time for you to get up and will harass me. When I say harass. Look at me and gently tap his fee until I get up and have lunch but that would be different before because I was always overriding my neuro divergence. And the reason why why I forget to like use neuro neuro divergence. It's not because I'm like I'm so chill around food. It's neuro divergence. But my desperate need for food, that push that drive in my brain overcame the neurodivergent urge to forget about eating. That there's no way that I could forget. Because I was that like deep in restrictive eating. The over, like the drive was so much that you know, my neuro divergent was was like neuro divergence was like getting this fish to eat. Okay, so next what I wear or how I look at doesn't often come into my head aside from Oh, I think I look cute today, or, Oh, I should wash my hair tonight. Or, oh, did a bird just poo on my back? So pretty much the only time I would change an outfit is because it was not right for the weather or art or activity. And I and it's not that I'm like, Oh, I just don't look good in it. I would you know what happens? You know, what happens is, if I look in the mirror, and I have a little like, I don't think I look really cute. Because no, most of the time I'm like, You're cute. That's my reaction. Most of the time, I'm just gonna just be like, you just know, you're just such a cute II. And if I don't have that reaction, I'll be like, No, so someone's someone's brain is, is having some feelings here, what is going on? And verb, so I wouldn't be like, there's something wrong with the way I look or the clothes I'm wearing, it would be something is happening in my brain for me to not correctly perceive myself. And so I would be like, Okay, so let me support my mental health in this moment. And I will recognize that something else is going on, it's not my body, it's not that my body in the last 24 hours has suddenly turned into an attractive body, it's that my perception of my body is changed because I feel like after decades of my brain, using my body as a easy way for me to try and manage my emotions, like pick on their body, because we might get our needs met is kind of some sort of like what my brain was thinking but my needs were not being met by changing my body, I needed to do other work deeper work to to fix that. So I feel like sometimes my brain might slip into something is feeling a bit shit about our life. So that's, that's a trend trying to attack the body, see if that gets our needs met. And because now I'm like, I'm not engaging in that. That's not how we get our needs met. I'm talking to my like, my internal family system, my in my dog into myself, basically. What how can we meet my needs? And so what I might do is I be like, Okay, well, I'll put some dry shampoo in my hair. Like today. I was like, oh, I need to wash my hair tonight. And I want to look, I want to look cute for the podcast. I was like, okay, so how am I gonna go get my needs met? I'm going to put some dry shampoo in my hair. Okay, and do Colonel corners, okay. And now I'm, I'm cute. I'm cute. I'm gonna put some of that summer scar around, and I feel cute, you know? Or it could be that might be in and that's focusing on body, but then it could be I do something else, you know, can be on like, oh, you know, Qd? Like, what's wrong? What's wrong? How can we support you? Do you need to like, do you need to take it slow today? Do you need to talk to someone, you know, and some most of the time just recognizing, ah, this thing is happening. And honestly, it's this is just doesn't just doesn't happen that much. You know, sometimes I'm like, I need to be looking in the mirror more because sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm like, oh shit, like, I needed to moisturize my face today. And I didn't even like notice because I'm not looking in the mirror at all. Not that having dry skin is is terrible sin or anything, but you know. Yeah. It's just my body's there. And I like it. And I think I look cute most of the time and Nbd no bad girl. Okay, next one I wear or how I look.

I just read that one. So, if you know me, if you listen to the podcast for a while, you know that I don't give a fuck about looking like a giant dingling. Before I would be wanting to curate the way that others were perceiving me. So now I am able to work to be my authentic self. And it's and it's so freeing to practice being my authentic self. It's a practice. This is a process that is is is I think maybe the hardest for me. Because in therapy, the word that always comes up I need to get up I can tattoo of this world. Troublemaker, troublemaker. Don't be too weird. Don't be too big. Don't be a troublemaker. Don't ask for what you need. It's just an ongoing thing that I'm still working on is working on being my authentic self, and learning who I really am. And so I've learned so much in the recent years of, I've worked out that I'm non binary, I've worked out that I'm queer, I've worked out I'm not, I'm neurodivergent. And I feel like I have more ways of I'm disabled. I've there's so many more ways I don't yet know myself. And so the more I'm practicing, being my authentic self will naturally make barriers appear. Because when you're being expansive in your identity, you're brushing up against your own kind of barriers of like, Oh, don't do that, like, be queer, but, but don't be too queer. Like, be fat, but don't like be too fat. Be, you know, just be a respectable version of that thing. And my authentic self is not the respectable version. It's my authentic version. It's the weird, you know, silly billy. Ding, ding a ling. Ding dong. Yeah. So that's a practice, but a lot of the times are like, I don't give a fuck, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck about doing things in public for sure. You know, I wonder if there are things that I wouldn't want to do. You know what? Maybe I'm what I wouldn't what I'm not ready for yet is like just being completely naked in public. Now. Actually, no, I would do that. I would do that. Yeah, it feels like a photo shoot or something. No, I would. Yeah. But I wouldn't do it if I was just on my own. I mean, like that. I mean, I guess that's a stretch, right? Like, I mean, why would I be just walking around naked in public, I would be arrested. But I guess in Vancouver, it's legal to have to display your nipples, no matter your gender. So I could be going around with my tats out if I want it to never seen anyone do it. So I'm just, I'm probably not minimizing myself by not doing it. And also, I don't necessarily want to do that. Yeah, anyway. Okay. Next, I have wonderful relationships with people who love you like me because of who I am, and not contingent on my weights. And also, I'm a better friend, because I'm not judging other people on what they look like. And I'm able to navigate relationship challenges and not just accept less, because I feel unworthy. I'm in relationship with relationships with people because I genuinely like them. And not because I feel like I can't do better. I was telling my friend last night, I had a call with my Australian friend Maddie. And I was telling her about, about 15 1015 years ago, I had a friend. I was in love with this guy, right? And we I was friends with this guy, but I wanted more. And we would like mess a bow. And he he it was clearly like we were we were basically in a relationship. But I don't know. It was weird. Basically, he obviously just didn't like me enough to be want to be in a relationship with me, but would like, get the other benefits. Anyway, so one of my friends who was like a friend, like a friend of a friend, but then she became a friend. One day, she came around my house and she was like, ERG is who I had sex with. And I was like, Oh my God, tell me who and she's like, this person. This this guy that I was in love with? My friend was like, oh, so So did you like confront her and stuff? And I was like, No, I just ghosted her. I just never spoke to her again. And we spend the evening together. And I was in my brain seething. But I didn't say what the fuck? Because I was like, I couldn't do it. I couldn't I couldn't navigate a challenge in the relationship. I mean, the relationship would have ended, you know, even now, if that happened to me, I'd be like, Whoa, what is going on? That's really inappropriate. And anyway, so. But I just ghosted her. Now, I'm going to an event and I know she's going to be there. And it's an quite an involved event. And I'm like, Oh, what am I? What am I gonna do? And so I'm like, I'm gonna talk to her about it. versus my old self would have been like, Well, I'm just going to ignore her. And ignoring her might be the right strategy. But I've decided my strategy is, if it feels appropriate, and it feels safe, and it feels like it's beneficial. I'm going to say, Hey, do you remember why? You remember, we used to hang out a lot. And now we don't. And this is why but depends. It depends. It depends. But I mean, that comes with general confidence, not not not necessarily unlearning anti fat bias, but my relationships are not based on gossiping about others, and what they look like, and what weight they used to be, what weight they've lost and who's failed on the diet or whatever. So the next point is I don't talk about other people's bodies. I don't care what someone looks like, if they wear Crocs or if they're fat or straight sized ones, I don't care. I probably do care. Like if I see someone and they've got An amazing outfit on I moved by their amazing outfit and then embodying fabulousness. Like I would be like, I care because I'm enjoying my eyeballs are enjoying someone feeling like they look good, like so like I care in that way, but I'm not like, I'm not gonna be friends it sounds like because they're like they were like, embarrassing clothes

Yeah, I don't bond by gossiping anymore. I bond with people on shared interests, laughing and giving excellent trashy TV recommendations. And you know what, when I decided that I'm not going to bond on on gossiping anymore, I lost a couple of friendships because I realized we had nothing in common. All we would do is get together and be like, Ah, did you see what sounds like posted on Facebook? Oh, can you believe it? You know, and then we'd be friends with so and so. Oh, my God, what is she wearing? You know, and so when I was when I when I decided that in therapy, I was just like, Oh, shit. We don't actually like each other that much. We both, but we're just both so deeply into gear. You know, that's what we've got in common. And so the friendships drifted apart because of that. And finally, my goals include thing that things that enrich me and others. So meaningful things, fun things, I have the energy to grow in life, because my brain is not consumed with thinking about my body. And food. Also, I know I don't need to actually have goals in order to prove that I'm a good person or, quote, make up for my ugly body. That was a big thing is is okay, my goal was is to be thin. I couldn't achieve that goal. Okay, so I can't achieve that goal. So I'm going to try and prove to other people through my hard work that if I can't be thin, I can be a hard worker, I can engage in capitalism. Like the best of them. I, I am good. I am good in these ways. I'm a good fatty. You know, I eat salads, and I exercise and I work really hard. And I'm a good partner and lalalalala. Now, I'm just like, you know, what's really, I think tied in with anti fatness that I'm unlearning a lot I'm pushing myself on a lot currently is is ableism and capitalism of working hard, and encouraging others not to work hard. I felt a little bit triggered. I felt a little bit like an feeling came up. I was talking to two interns. I was consulting for this business. And they had two interns and we were meeting for the first time. And I said to the interns like, oh, when can you have this thing ready? And one of them said, Oh, well, I guess I can work over the weekend and have it done for next week. And I said, Absolutely not. I don't want you working over the weekend. No working late. You know, I don't want any of this like, work as little as possible. And then I said it to those two interns. And I said it to the other intern as well. And I was just like, Oh, I hope you're not working. Don't worry too much. Don't worry too much. I went too late. And afterwards, I was like, I was feeling away. I was feeling I was fake. I was like, Oh, am I displaying like I'm such a lazy fat person. Like a feeling came up of? Yeah, look at you lazy fat person. And I was like, oh, brain. Interesting. Before I wouldn't have said don't work, you know, I would have been like, Well, no, because you know, I work. I work over the weekend. Yeah, because fat people were just like, really hard workers. And that was safety. Right? So I'm not saying that that was like a bad thing to do. Because I was creating safety for myself, right? And so if you're doing that, then you know if that works for you, and that creates safety, then that's a perfect technique and tactic. But now I realize I don't want to engage in good fatty stereotypes. tropes. I don't want to prove I don't want to engage. I don't want to prove that I'm a good person by engaging in, in capitalism by engaging in unhealthy ism and racism and etc, etc. Right? I just want to give myself permission to rest and do what I need to do to serve me and serve others. Like I felt like I wanted to teach the interns that being overworking is not you know, I'm not going to be saying to them. You're such a good person because you overworked or you worked over the weekends, but it's complicated. It's complex, complicated. It's kind of like a heads sometimes isn't that that's not possible for many different reasons. So yeah, so how is focusing on body size and dieting affected your Life. What do you think? Maybe you want to write down some things of like, maybe some things are still affecting your life, I find this, like important for me is trying to work out how things are affecting me so that I can create meaningful, got goals around. making those changes, if it feels good for me that works for my brain is making goals around that. So that might be helpful for you or not, whatever. You do what you want, right? Yeah, so my training that I've got coming up in a couple of weeks, so which it will be done by the time you'll listen to this podcast, but you can get the replay. It's called How to unlearn weight bias and be at peace with your body and others bodies, bodies. And so if you want 50% off price, use a code special 50. So that's a 50% off price that contributes towards economic justice. So if you feel like you're someone that deserves economic justice, we all do. But if you would like that 50% off price, use a code 50 special I'll put the link for that. doobly doo in in the show notes. So there you go. There you have it. There you have it. There's there's six things. I'm always like, I want you to tell me I want you to talk to me. What's your experiences? You can't talk back I'm just doing a recording on my own that you know, I've got this workshop coming up. So I can ask people I can ask people we can have we can have. We're gonna have chinwag so I love talking and hearing other people's experiences. You know why is because so many people are like, yes, that's my experience. Yes, me too. Yes. You know, many people whose experiences are super common, and it's nice to know that you're not alone in in this bullshit. Okay, thanks for hanging out with me today. I hope you have an enjoyable summer if it's summer where you are. And if you feel like supporting the podcast, you can go to cofee make a $5 hair donation, and you'll get the size diversity Resource Guide which is so fucking good. It's so good. It's got like, if you want more fat stuff in your life, it's got you know, hundreds of Instagram accounts or follow TEDx talks, books, things to watch where to shop science is so there's so much in there, there's so much and it's really good. So you can get that for $5 I'm gonna put the, the this guide the guide that I just created the report I just created. I'm gonna put that as a you can choose to donate if you if you want to. But you can also get it for free. But I am going to put that as a perk on the $5. Tia as well. So you can get that as well. Is my plans is my plans is my plans for the future. And if you would like to meet a Briton me to come into your workplace and do some training on anti fat bias, then just reach out to me send me an email and we can book a discovery call for 30 minutes to have a chinwag about what you would like to achieve and see if see if I can help you. Yeah, I did a training a few weeks ago, which was a couple of months ago plus which was just 15 minutes long. So I mean, we can do 15 minutes to five hours, six hours all day. Whatever, whatever you would like. Okay, thanks for hanging out with me today. Remember you are worthy you always were you always will be. Remember to stay fierce, fatty.