Episode 110 Transcript

Read transcript alongside audio.

Welcome to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm your host, Victoria Welsby and this is episode 110. Today, we're talking about how to cope with weight gain and feeling uncomfortable in your body.

I'm Victoria Welsby TEDx speaker, Best Selling Author and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self esteem to being a courageous and confident fifth party who loves every inch of this jelly. society teaches us living in a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed? Or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century? So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the first fatty podcast Let's begin.

Hey, fatties. Hey, fat allies. Thanks for tuning in. And he said update my intro outro whatever it is with my name Victoria on Oh, my God, there's so many places. I'm like that you have your name. Right? It's annoying.

Anyway, I shared today on Instagram about my new name Vinny, if you haven't heard about that so far, because I'm non binary. And I had so many nice comments. It was very nice and a lot of people. Well, a lot of people saying hello, welcome. Welcome to the world. Welcome. Your debut was very and that was really cool. One person said actually, that they realize that they are I think that asexual let me just check. An asexual is someone who doesn't have sexual attraction to others or could be either reduced or not as much. And there's also like, gray sexual. So I guess that that would be the not as much. And let me see I pinned the comment. I pinned the comment. Why is it not showing here? Yeah, anyway, and they said a little part of that journey, was listening to the podcast, which is amazing, because I've never mentioned asexuality, but I guess, hearing about my experience of understanding my non binary identity, I guess cut across our crosses over into different things. So that was really cool to hear. Thank you for sharing.

And suddenly, I wanted to clear up, something I wanted to clear up is a clear up something. Okay, so my post on my post, I wrote that Canadians don't do nicknames. I went in and edited it to sake Canadians don't tend to do nicknames, especially in the workplace. Because this is what I mean. Okay. So in the UK, especially with a name like Victoria, where there's, there's lots of nicknames. Actually, in Canada. You don't do the nicknames with Victoria. Really? There's no kind of Vicki or Vic or whatever. Anyway, whatever. And I know there's I know, that's not a kind of a blanket statement of all Canadians. Well, maybe that's what it sounds like a blanket statement. So in England and UK, say it would be in work settings, that you'd say, oh, yeah, I'm making an application. You put your name as Victoria and then they'd go for the interview and you'd like say, oh, once you go by, and then you were like, oh, Vinnie, would you go by him? Like, oh, whatever, whatever. Or just Victoria. If you just wanted to be Victoria, if you're a Victoria. But yeah, it would be kind of like a what you go by sort of thing, especially with the name of Victoria, where there are lots of different kind of, not lots a few. What like one, Vicki Avik Yeah, and so in Canada, I just saw the, it'd be the same where, you know, I got my first job and the boss didn't say, What do you go by the colleagues? My colleagues didn't say, What do you go by? And I was like, Well, shit, I don't want to tell them.

My name is Vinny because I don't want them to think that I'm unprofessional. You know, or think that that was unprofessional because I thought, you know, well, having a nickname is unprofessional because people are asking me in the workplace and no other workplace ever and I've been in candidate for 12 years. I guess I was in like, corporate type jobs for eight, I have eight of 12 years. Anyway, and so it's just it's more of I think, a more of a British thing to say we know what you go by. And so people were saying in The comments Oh, I call my nieces and nephews or I call my kids nicknames. And yeah, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely. It's not like Canadians don't know the concept of nicknames. Of course they do. Of course you do is just a different change in the way that you the my experience and UK and my experience in Canada, and that's just my experience. Okay. Oh,

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okay. Okay, good. Because I guess, you know, in the past, I've said this on the podcast, and maybe some Canadians were listening being like, that's not true. That's not true. And obviously, I didn't explain as clear as this. And and maybe it's not true. Maybe people do say, and I've just never experienced it of what do you go by? You know, or do you have a nickname in work situations or or personal situation? I mean, more likely in person? It's more likely in personal situations, right? Yeah. Anyway, so about half an hour ago, I made my very first appointment at Big bros barber shop in Vancouver, big bros barber shop is. Let me see, I'm going to tell you what they are from looking at their website. Big rose barber shop event is Vancouver's beauty and resource center for the trans community and beyond all types of folks are welcome here. So I can't wait. I can't wait. Because you know, what, my has been a source of a source of dysphoria sorts of feelings for me. And I remember I was going to that hairdresser. And they can't, they said, Oh, you're a new woman. And I told them about being non binary and learning all that type of stuff. And it just feels that that hairdresser didn't get it. You know? I don't know. So anyway, so I'm going to this place. And we'll see how it goes. I'm going there next week. I'll let you know how my experience was. And it's really fucking cool. Oh, my God, oh, my God, I I'd known about this place because they were they were looking for donations previous I knew about them because they were looking for donations of plus size clothes, because they would provide clothes. I don't think they do that anymore. And so I knew about this place. And then summer intern said to me, Oh, why don't you go to big bros barber shop? And I was like, fucking hell. I hadn't I thought of that. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. So that's pretty cool. So if you're, if you're struggling with this type of stuff, check out in your local area, if there's anything like that, or if if maybe if there's like a, a gender nonconforming, non binary trans hair stylist, hairdresser, that's working just for a in average. Sal, on that might that might help. Yes.

And finally, another little update for you. Did you know Did you know? I mentioned it a few few episodes ago, but I wanted to let you know that the podcast, the face value podcasts now has transcripts for every single episode. And we're doing the backlog. And so my team are doing to every week from the backlog. So let's say we started and 567, let's say 10 episodes ago. So that's 100. So it's gonna take a year, it's gonna take a year, we do do a week to get through the black backlog of 100. That's okay. You know, because that's, that's what we're able to do at the moment. And actually, I think the first No, that's that, because I think the first number of episodes, we were able to do transcripts, but then it got way too expensive. Good thing about all this new technology is things are always changing. And things are getting way more accessible, and way more affordable for just, you know, a small business like me to be able to provide transcripts as standard. Whereas even just a year ago, it was cost prohibitive for me or even not even just a year ago, like a matter of months ago, it was cost prohibitive for me to provide transcripts for every single episode. And considering my episodes are normally about 45 minutes an hour long. Yes. So now it's you can get transcripts of just you know, you just pay a flat rate for X amount of minutes a month. And yeah, so and he's really cool because Because Because because you can listen to you can either just read the PDF, or you can listen to it on this platform. It's called otter on this platform where you press play, and it will go the words will go along with the audio.

So that was really that's really cool. Yeah, and it's pretty, it's pretty accurate. It's pretty good. It's pretty good. Um, yeah. So today we are talking about we're talking about this topic of it's topic that I see quite a lot actually. So what I do, I do, obviously we have first Academy I do coaching there. Also we do coaching in other people's programs. And so nutritionist dietician shins coaches when they want someone who is

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really fucking cool like most of that person to come in to talk about, you know, fat phobia and weight stuff, because a lot of people, it just goes hand in hand, right? If you're doing intuitive eating, you are going to come up against fat phobia, as in your own fat phobia. And depending on your size, fat phobia from from the rest of the world directed at you, or fat phobia from the rest of the world that you're absorbing. And that is difficult. So the kind of general question that I see quite often is, I keep going into spirals, negative thoughts spirals around my weight. And it's worse now because since starting intuitive eating or recovering from my eating disorder, I've gained weight. So a lot of people get stalled on their journey really stuck on their journey, because they get really excited, and we're going to start this intuitive eating, who knows what's gonna happen, I'm gonna, you know, I'm well kept working on my recovery. Who knows what's going to happen? Maybe I'll lose weight, maybe I'll lose weight.

And then we don't know what's going to happen in regards to your weight, you know, and if you do put on weight, then it's kind of like, holy shit, how can I? How can I cope with this, it's very, very difficult. And coping with it and dealing with it is it's complex, right? Because you've probably lived in a society that demonizes fat bodies for many years, if you're, if you're, if you're in this place of trying to unlearn it, then you probably that's probably true for you. And so let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. So some of the things I noticed some of the things that come up for me when we think when I think about this is that this is so hard, this is so hard, and painful. And I want to extend massive empathy for if this is your situation for you, right now, if you have experienced weight gain, especially if you are trying something new, like intuitive eating, oh, of anything else is going on in your life. I mean, fuck, if you're a human being, then you've got other things going on your life. So it's difficult at any point. And you know, being fat, or fatter in this society is seen as a massive failure. And the reality is that life can be a lot harder, and it most likely is for fat folks. And even more, so the higher weight you are. And that is due to structural institutional, interpersonal, an ideological fatphobia. So you have your own difficult thoughts to deal with. And you have society, echoing your deepest fears. And then if you have a fat body, you're not only seeing them, like spoken to you through the way the society talks about fat bodies, but you're experiencing that too.

And so if you have put on weight and gone from someone who's straight size to someone who's fat, that really, really difficult or if you've gone from someone who is is a smaller fat person, or a medium fat person into a larger fat person, or a super sized fat person, Infini fat person, that can be very, very difficult. One thing I do want to want to say that I notice is that often when people are talking about their own weight gain, they actually haven't gained that much weight. Obviously, this is not a not everyone, some people do gain more than you know, just a little bit of weight. And I mean, oh my goodness, when I was when I was in diet culture, I remember putting on a five pounds and I was devastated. Oh my goodness, I was devastated that I was had pawn. You know, it was a very small, very small number. And to me, that was who you like, I mean, fucking five pounds. Well, that's like a fucking going for shit, isn't it? Five pounds? Really, it's no a lot.

But in my mind, five pounds was a difference between my boyfriend dumping me or not, you know, five pounds was a difference in me being seen as hot and sexy and attractive. And five pounds was the difference between failure and the difference between being a good person. The reality was, no one could see that I had put on five pounds now. There's no way that I was stressing about it. And so that's one thing I want to kind of point out is that sometimes when we're in it, five pounds, 10 pounds, whatever. 20 pounds can feel insurmountably huge, but that is not necessarily the reality.

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I mean, to you, it can feel it. I mean, it is and it's not that you're making up your feelings around it that whatever you're feeling around it is absolutely true that you're experiencing those those difficult feelings. But to other people, it might not even be perceptible. You know? So, is it, is it true that, you know, you're gonna go and see your friends and family or, you know, bumping into someone on the street and they're gonna go, Holy fucking shit. Wow, you know, you you, you've put on so much weight or thinking that in their mind, maybe maybe not, you know, but is it just like, it's a small amount of weight. And really, you're not going to have to deal with changes in the way that people are changing the way that society treats you and people treat you? And of course, it could be that you Yes, you have put on a noticeable amount of weight. And that's okay, too. Like, that's okay. You know, but I just want to point out that sometimes our brains fuck with us, you know, sometimes, you know, something doesn't fit.

And then all of a sudden, it's like, oh my lord, I must be so miserable in so much way. And even if you're not weighing yourself, or even if you if you are weighing yourself stop that. Even if you are weighing yourself then it feels like it's it's it's a lot of a lot of weight. And a lot of times it's not actually and and so if you have even if you've put on, you know, a little bit of weight, or a lot of weight, it's distressing for a lot of people. And at the beginning of weight gain, especially if we've if we've gained a noticeable amount of weight either in our in our bodies, the way they feel, or the way that they look. It can be very distressing, because it's a new feeling. It's a new observation, if you can see a difference in the way that you look. Or have you notice your body, for example, I started started noticing my arm, just a feeling of more kind of flesh on my arm. I don't know if there was more flesh, but I just I just was like noticing it. And it was it drew my attention to it. If I was not in a good place and that could be me spiraling down into holy shit, I need to die. I need to blah blah, blah, blah. But it's noticeable no matter what in regards to your you'll see the difference if there is a difference. And if you're struggling with this stuff, then that's when noticing a change can turn into holy shit. Oh my god, you know, I'm bad. I'm unattractive. I should need to forget about this intuitive eating stuff. Blah, blah, blah. And it is kind of like I think about I think about I think about the first time I got my hair cut. My mum suggested I get a bob. And I thought that she was saying bomb be OMB this new haircut. And it was called a bomb and bomb wasn't like saying something was bomb wasn't wasn't a thing back when I was young, but she was like, it's called a bomb. And I was like, fuck yeah, I want a haircut. That's a bomb.

And it was actually a Bob and I had really thick hair. I do have really thick hair. And I had long hair at the time. And it went into being a bob. And the next morning I woke up I remember this. So clearly waking up, we had a mirror in our bedroom, sitting up in bed, looking to the side and seeing that I had a bob bom bom haircut, and being like holy shit, and putting my hands through it and being like, where has all my hair gone? You know, this feeling if you've had your hair cut any big haircut, kind of like, oh, this is so strange. And then, you know, however long it took to become normal, and it's normal, you know. And that's just hair. And obviously hair can be very emotional. But imagine if it was something more more loaded like weight, then it's kind of gonna be like, Oh my God, but it will ease it will ease. You will become less distressing as especially if you do the stuff I'm going to be talking about shortly. And I like to think about as well. Like, what if I was suddenly plunked into the body of a human who had like dick and balls. Like if I was pumped into the body of a human that had dick and balls. I'd be like, what this is so strange. I'm sitting here and there's this thing between my legs and oh my goodness and like but uh, you know, obviously obviously spent hours doing the helicopter with my new deck and balls. The balls don't do the helicopter, do they? It's just a dig. Now you hold the date you hold the balls down. Obviously expert in doing helicoptering on my imaginary deck.

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And it will be strange, right? A few months down the road, you're going to get used to it. So this is this ridiculous, ridiculous example. And as well I think about, if a thin person was magically teleported into my body, that would be really difficult for them, because then they'd be like, Oh, my goodness, I feel this is barely here, just I feel this belly up against the table here. And before there was no belly, I feel my fires are touching, and I can feel my belly touching my legs, and I can feel my back rolls. And I can feel and it would be very strange for them to feel that. And so it's normal for you to to notice it. And he could be just, you know, physically or in the mirror, or whatever it is. It will be strange. And it will ease with time, hopefully. So I don't want to say every for everyone that leaves but let's do some work towards trying to get that to ease. Something else that comes up for me when I'm thinking about this is it's really nice to believe that we have control over our bodies, right? Like, that's what we've most most of society has always believed that we have control over our bodies, we have control over our ways.

And when this, this, these these, these thoughts about our bodies, these negative spirals that we could go into our brain is saying even though logically we know the reality, our brain is kind of like, Yeah, but if you really wanted to, you could become thin, and end all of this pain. And if you just just just just restricted a little bit, just do it a little bit, just eat a little bit less, and maybe don't eat that thing. Maybe just go out for an extra workout. Just just do it a little bit. So you, you can a little bit thinner. And it'd be no big deal. No problem. And so one part of our brain is saying this, like you have control, you can make a couple of small changes, no big deal. No big deal. Obviously, this is like diet, diet, talk in our brains, it's not reality. And how intoxicating is it to believe that we have control that if I just I don't feel good right now. And if I just became thin, not only would I feel better, but I get all of these other benefits. Some real, some imagined. Still never got that call from Brad Pitt. Actually, I don't want Brad Pitt to call me. You know what I always say Brad Pitt, but who would I like to call me What celebrity? Would I like to call me up on the phone and tell me I'm a wonderful person. Oh, I know. I'm watching. I'm watching Band of Brothers, HBO right now again for the second time. That may he that's in the Punisher, Jon Bernthal. Yeah. Yeah, I have a bit of them. Yeah, that's just on my mind.

Anyway, John Baron thought and then if that's your name, and you're listening, not likely. Give me a gold. Me you want to be my friend. Anyway. So yeah, so real, real, real or imagined. Because of course, you do get a t shirt and a privilege and good stuff that comes with having a smaller body. And but also, it's not going to make you necessarily happy and all of those things, you know, life amazing, because you're, you have a smaller body. So you've got this kind of, oh, but I know I've tried becoming thin most of my life and it didn't work for me. And then you've got the other side being like Yeah, but you know, you can you know, you can and the thing is, we all can lose weight, theoretically, but we can't keep it off because our bodies are fucking amazing. And they're like, birch water you're doing Why are you putting me through this? I go and Hello, just eat some food, you loser. And then we're like, Shut up on AI and just want to be thin. So jump bounce our call me. But yeah, we all know, we know. We know. We know. We know this. But that illusion of control and blaming yourself like it's my fault. It's my fault. I'm feeling like this. Because if I was just a better person, if I was not so lazy, if I was not such a disgusting person, I would be thin. And that's not true, right?

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So if you put on your if you put on weight, your product, your body probably needed it right? It's probably that you weren't eating enough food before. It's probably your body saying, Ah, thank God. They're finally listening to me. There's all of these years years I've been begging them and pleading with them to, to to notice me and to give me a reliable source of food to to arrest me when we're exhausted and thank fat, they're finally listening to me, this is what your body is saying. And that is the weight gain is, is something that your body just needed to do, for whatever reason. And so why are we then kind of punishing ourselves for our body doing exactly what it needs to do? also curious about this question. Were you hoping that intuitive eating or recovery or whatever else would make you thin? Secretly? I know I did. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we don't know what's going to happen. When someone's away, when they do intuitive eating birds, I can kind of tell that I'm going to be the person that is happens, my natural body weight is probably going to be like supermodel. So I better get ready to run the catwalks this time next year, because with intuitive eating, and we're going to be soon as full.

But secretly, Secretly, secretly, I wouldn't have said that, you know, out loud. But you know, I'm probably I'm the type of person to lose weight on intuitive eating, because you know, I'm going to do it so good. And I'm going to really be you're really intuitive when I eat, which means that I'll become thin. So was that you? You probably? Yeah, guilty. And that is still me guilty kind of thing. And that's okay. You know, because obviously, the hope that you might accidentally become thin through this, this new thing that you're trying. And then the reality is, maybe you don't become thin, because who knows what your body is going to do? It's so disappointing. It's so disappointing for a lot of people. And so with that, you need to work on your beliefs around fitness, what thinness means. And what fat phobic beliefs that you hold, because you will because you're human hold fatphobia beliefs. And the way that I see it is when we're having these experiences where, oh, my goodness, I'm just in this spiral of, oh, if I only I was thin, I should lose weight. Oh, my goodness, I put on way This is awful. Even though that sucks, is actually a really good indicator of, of where we need to be focusing our work. So it just goes to show you've got your brain has very kindly pointed out to you. Hey, I still kind of believe that being thin would mean that.

My boyfriend will think that I'm super hot and he will probably propose you know, and Lola. Okay, okay, great. Thank you brain for illuminating that thought for me. Let's dig into it. Let's see if that is true. Let's get curious. So, if you have gained a perceptible amount of weight, or even if you haven't, but you're struggling with this stuff, we need to learn how to one, build resiliency around shame, through curiosity, and to work out how to self self soothe. So to meet let me say that again. If you're struggling with this stuff, we need to learn how to one build resiliency around shame, through curiosity, and to work out how to self soothe. So you're like, Victoria, great, easy peasy, lemon and lime. You think you know, well, how do you do that? How do you do that? Well, you know, it's gonna be different for every person. But there there are certain things that i i appreciate and work that I've been doing recently with my therapist. I've been in therapy for years and years and I will be in therapy for the rest of my life because I think therapy is what fucking amazing and something that I have been dealing with is shame. me feeling shame. Oh, it's

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so much bad that we love shame. And I did that Brene Brown course on shame and shame. Because, you know, I've been I've been dealing with a lot of shame around.

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That TV show that I did. Did a TV show a few years ago and just I'm

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still working on overcoming the things that happened there. And then part. Shame is coming up right now. Oh, why are you still talking about this? This is what my shame is saying, Why? Why aren't you over this by now? It's not like they abused you. It's not like, it wasn't like when you were in an abusive relationship when you're younger. It's not like when you were homeless? Why you still? Yeah, so shame. Shame is right there at the surface. Thank you. Thank you, Jane. Anyway, and so what the work that I'm doing with my therapist is on internal family systems and parts work. And so this is a, this is a newer concept to me. But I have been doing things like this for a long time, but I just didn't even know I you know, this is just what has worked for me. And I didn't even know that there was a name to it, you know, and that is talking to, or getting curious about the thoughts that you're having. So, let me give you a really, very basic idea.

So the idea is that the this is, because I'm new to this, so I'm not an expert at all, okay. But the idea is that there's different parts of you anger, or sadness, or fear, or happiness or whatever. There's different parts. And they are, they're on a bus. They're on a bus, I asked my therapist last time, did you come up with this blessing or was that me, and she said it was her, but her through the, you know, the this work, you know, and they're on a bus. And when you're happy, you're not true self or your authentic self or your evolved self, or just you, you're the one driving the bus, and everyone's in their seats where they need to be. And from time to time, shame will get up and be like, I'm going to be driving the bus now. And you won't even realize it. And so Shane will be driving the bus and being like, listen up here, everyone. Remember that time in 1996 When you were kicked your sister, and you were just such a piece of shit then wasn't wasn't you? Oh, remember that time when there's and, Oh, you're such a loser. And you don't even realize it right. And then the parts work is identifying that this is another part of me that's talking. And they're not a bad part. It's just just a part of being human right is that we experience shame, we need to experience shame for to make sure that we're not doing stupid shit, right? Most of the shame that we're feeling is shame that we don't need to feel. So just identifying that shame is in the driver's seat. Anger is in the driver's seat. Happiness is in the driver's seat, just you know, whatever. Someone is in the driver's seat. For me, that is just so powerful. When I notice I'm in some type of thought spiral, and I'm just like, oh, remember the time that you did it or whatever.

Then just saying to myself, Oh, sounds like shame is driving the bars, that can be really helpful. Obviously, that doesn't work all the time. Because then I'm like, yeah, yeah, because you knew to feel ashamed. You need to feel ashamed of the shit that you've done. So then what I'll do is, is something that my, my therapist shared with me, which is called an blending. And so and blending is kind of when you're when you're so in that emotion, you're just you just in it, you just feel it, you agree with it. You know how I was talking about how one part of your brain is like, we know that we can't lose weight. We know we don't have control over our brain, we know. And then the other part is like, Yeah, Bob just soon. And it's like, we can lean into that more wise thoughts because we're in we're in those shame thoughts, and so on. Blending is kind of getting you into the other side, that kind of wise thoughts. Like what would you say if your friend was sat there right now and they were having the exact same thoughts? What would you tell them? Your friend said, Hey, listen, I'm really struggling. I've put on weight. And I'm thinking that I'm a piece of shit that I'm an attractive that I should go on another diet that I'm a failure. That editor would you say? Yeah. Yeah, you're right. All your worst fears. It's true. In fact,

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I don't like you and you should definitely go on another diet, in fact, and never eat anything ever again. Like, no, even if you hate your friend, you wouldn't say that. But, um, so what we're trying to do is trying to be that friend, but really we know how to, we know what we would say, right? We know all of these rational things. And so these are the steps of blending. So this is from my therapist. So one, assume that the distressing or uncomfortable feeling is communication from a part of you that's been triggered. So we assume shame is shame is in the driver's seat number to put the parts feelings into words, like this anxious part is really scared, or they feel worried that see what happens if you speak for the part by naming the feeling as the this. And so the other week, I was in a shame spiral, I was in bed and I was like, crying because I was like, I'm such a loser. And so I sat up, and I imagined shame version of Victoria sat next to me, I put my hand out and I imagined that I was holding my hands Shame, shame me, holding my hand. And in my head. As you know, I spoke it out loud, that you can do it in your head, whatever. And it might be that doing it like this doesn't work. You might that you need to just write it on a piece of paper. Or whatever works for you or this this might not work at all right? I'm just giving you some ideas. saying what's going on what's going on? And then and then I would reply, Shame shame Victoria shame, Vinnie replies, I just feel so embarrassed that this and I feel like I shouldn't have said that. And that.

And then I responded the wise version. Yeah, I bet that sounds so difficult. And Wow, no wonder you'd feel ashamed. And then carry on the conversation. Yeah. So number three, tried to create a little more separation from the past by sitting back from their feelings, changing position, lengthening your spine, so that you can both feel both them and you. Other examples might be feeling your feet, or taking some deep breaths, noticing a more neutral feeling in your body. So that's why I sat up kind of like getting out of that position. Because you know, like, curled up in bed being like, my life is terrible. So I sat up. Because if I was going to have a conversation with someone, you know, someone I loved, who was in my bed, I'd be sitting up and you know, giving them comforting them. Number four, try to offer reassurance while acknowledging their feelings. Imagine these feelings belong to someone else, what might you say? And so that was doing that. It's just so it feels so fucking loving. So caring, so sweet. And you're doing it to yourself, you're saying, I understand, Oh, my goodness, that sounds so difficult. And it makes sense that you feel like that. And I'm so sorry, you're having these experiences? It feels so nice. What it does does for me anyway. Number five, get feedback. How does a part respond? Are you on the right track slash getting it? So that might not be that might work for you? It might not work for you. But But a lot of what I do is challenging, challenging thoughts that come up, right, challenging thoughts of this is absolutely true. And I should feel shame and talking to yourself, or you know, in any way that you want, and obviously this is not going to be practical.

Anytime that you have some negative thought come up. Most of the time, you're just gonna be like, whatever it's true, you know, but when you have the capacity to do this kind of when I say curiosity, kind of if this happened to someone else, would you be agreeing and saying, Oh, God, yeah, you are a piece of shit. Or at the end of that when I when I finished that. And, you know, it was probably two minutes, right? When I finished that last week, I was I felt angry. I felt angry for the person who had shamed me. It was one of the producers and on my TV show, and I had been internalizing what he said and was saying, Yeah, I shouldn't have said that and I did.

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And then at the end of it instead of feeling shame I felt anger, which was great love a bit of anger. And I was just like, fuck that guy. Who the fuck is he to say that, you know, to make me feel ashamed for for that and laughing at me and, and doing it for good Telly, you know and that it was a much nicer better place to be versus he was right, I shouldn't have said that I should feel embarrassed. And, and then in my head like a few days later I in my head, I wrote him an email. I didn't do it for real, but I still might do it. But in my head around me an email saying Do you know how much harm you caused when you did that? What I'm talking about is this thing called Master interview and so on the on the show, they'll have lots of different like, short interviews with you and, and then towards the end of the show, they'll have a master interview where they I guess they ask all the questions that they haven't yet asked. So that they can use footage of you like doing a voiceover or, you know, whatever.

And this is the place where they will push you push, you push you push you because it's towards the end of the show, if you walk off, they've still got the show in the can, they don't need to worry worry about it. You know, it's kind of like if you see a documentary, and you see like, a, a journalist is with someone and and they're in the you know, the the idea is to expose them at the beginning, they're not going to be asking them the hard questions because they don't want to storm off right. And at the end, then they'll go in because they've got nothing to lose, go in with a really hard questions, and maybe the person will storm out and then that would make good TV. And so this master interview is so intense. It's one of the most intense things I've experienced, because you were looking looking at a mirror of the person's eyes. And so you're looking, you've got lights on you, camera, obviously. And then, and then you're looking in directly into the camera lens, but then there's a mirror of the interviewer. So that you're you can see their eyes. And so you just, you know, all these lights, and you just see their eyes, and then they're right in front of you physically, but then you're kind of looking to the side, but you're looking straight into the camera. And for me, it was about two hours, you know, started with honors, tell me about your life, and going over traumatic things. And lucky because I've done so much therapy and all that stuff is not so difficult for me to talk about, but then not talking about it in a compassionate way. And then going into more difficult things. And then when I wouldn't want to talk about certain topics, you know, because he was being a dickhead I'd say, Let's not talk about that.

And, and then he would come back two seconds later, and let's not talk about that. And then he'd go again, less than to talk about that. And I didn't want to give them the satisfaction of me, you know, getting up and saying, you know, I'm done with this interview, because then that would have made good TV, I wanted to just be as neutral as possible. Now, I would have just been like, Oh, I'm just need to pop to the toilet and then would have just left you know, and just like so they didn't get good TV of me, me leaving, or I would have just said loads of swear words. So they couldn't use it that that's another trick that you can use is just being like mean using the C word or something because they can't use that, or just talking nonsense or something, you know, something that they couldn't use. Anyway, and so he was asking, he was asking me so many different questions to get a reaction from me. And I'm I'm pretty, I think I'm pretty level headed. And because I've experienced so many different trolls on the internet, there's not that many things are going to get a reaction. And so he was doing his best, but he didn't get a reaction from me, which I bet he was so frustrated. And because of that he was saying, you know, not inappropriate. Well, yes, because of the way he did it. But he wasn't being like, oh, yeah, your mom's a bitch or anything like that. But he was kind of like prodding it really personal things, you know, any words?

So anyway, that's what happens. And so and so I was internalizing all that and being like, Oh, it's my fault, and no, it wasn't that was deeply inappropriate. They did that. The way that he did went about that was abusive, and that is not okay. And he has caused me harm. Because, what two three years later, I'm still I'm still talking about it in therapy. I'm still paying money to get over this is experience and it was just that two hour interview. It was like the aftermath and everything that went on that other. So okay, let's move on to how to self soothe.

44:51

I kind of feel like I'm saying that word self self self self soothe is because it's got an F and a th and the soothe self soothe so How you soothe yourself like you're soothing yourself, if you do that process of talking to yourself and, and acknowledging your feelings and talking to yourself like a friend, then you're soothing but but that might not be accessible to you in the moment. And a lot of times people feel like doing things to soothe them or sell themselves, or to avoid triggers is not good, because I have to face up to it. But no, you don't have to. And so if you've got if wearing certain clothes is making you feel uncomfortable, wear different clothes, wear baggy clothes, wear clothes that hide areas that are triggering for you wear things that make you feel good in whatever way it is. And so it could be being more physically comfortable wearing no hard, no harm to trousers, only soft trousers, only sweating pants, only elastic waists, whatever it is, that makes you feel better, so that you're not no to seeing the things that you might be struggling with. Okay? If mirrors are a problem, cover them, take them down, you don't, you don't have to force yourself to be exposed to a trigger to try and force yourself to get over it. That's not really helpful, right? You know, maybe you can build up and do some exposure therapy, but if right now you're really struggling, it's okay to take down the mirrors to cover them up, you know, be super protective with your mental health and what is allowed into your brain.

And so if you're struggling right now, and you're having a hard time, or if you're struggling and just looking around a moment when when shit goes down, and then you know, you have a bad day. And then you think, Oh, I feel bad. It maybe it's not a great idea to go home and watch that Netflix show that has a ton of normative bodies in maybe it's not a good idea to go on Instagram and look at recipes from, you know, someone who's into quote unquote, healthy food or whatever, maybe it's not a good time to talk to your mom who's going to ask about military about her new diet, you know, so protect how you can and that's not always possible. But if there is some that you can do there, then that's great. And what self care can you engage in? Is there anything that you can do for yourself? And the big thing is, can you just catch the thought so that, you know, don't don't you know, with these, all these ideas I'm giving you don't feel like, Oh, I'm just so bad, because I never, I never catch the thought. And I never, I never do this and like, don't make this another stick to beat yourself. Right? If you can catch the sort of, I'm feeling shame. And then, okay, I'm feeling shame. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to, I'm going to order takeout tonight, because I can't be bothered to cook. You know, it could be as simple as that. Or shame is driving the bus, I'm going to call my friend who I like, you know. And it doesn't have to be a big deal. Or it could be like, Oh, that shame. I'm busy. I'm just going to carry on with my resume, or what's probably going to happen. You know, you feel shame, and you just don't recognize it. Which is fine. Right? Right. Because when I say it's fine, it's because you're human, right? We're humans, we can't expect ourselves to be these highly evolved beings 24 hours a day, you know? Okay, so let's do a little summary. Let's do a little summary.

48:29

People say to me, I keep going into spirals with my thoughts around weight. And it's got worse now because I started intuitive eating or I've recovered from or I'm recovering from my eating disorder, and I've gained weight. Some things to consider. And some thoughts that I have on this is that first thing, this is so hard, it's so hard and it can be really painful to gain weight, and I want to extend massive empathy towards you. It's a normal feeling to have if you gain weight, that you might have negative or distressing emotions around that if you have gained weight, then noticing it with your you know, vice versa. Observing your body in the mirror or noticing new flesh on your body can be very, very difficult.

And when you first notice it, and the aftermath of that first noticing is normally the most difficult time and this is probably going to ease as you get used to what your body looks like and how things have changed. Often though, what I see is that weight gain is way more noticeable to you versus to others right? Gaining weight. Unless you gain a lot of weight, then it's painful. probably not going to, you know, stop you on the street and say, oh my god, watch, you know, what has happened to you, you've gained so much weight is probably going to be a bigger thing for you than it is for other people. And that's not to say sometimes we do gain a lot of weight and people do notice. And and that is that is difficult to deal with as well. So if you have gained a perceptible amount of weight, where people will notice that you've gained weight, and just want to massive compassion, and even if it's just a small amount of weight, that still can be very, very difficult and distressing to deal with but massive, massive compassion towards yourself. And if we can work towards building resiliency, around shame, through curiosity, and working out how you can self soothe alongside and learning fatphobia and weight bias that you've internalized and that is is hounding your thoughts. So it's really nice to believe that we have control over our weight the reality is that we don't and and if you have put on weight, then your body probably needed it. So from here, what can you do to get curious about those thoughts? are they true? Is it is it a reality that you are a bad person because you've put on weight? What would you say to a friend who was going through the exact same things and what can you do to soothe what can you do to self soothe, it could be wearing baggy clothes, it could be covering the mirrors in your house, it could be talking to a friend it could be watching a funny show or Netflix whatever it is. So sending big fatty love and hugs to you.

Okay, so that is the end of our episode. Thank you for hanging out with me today. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day. Your afternoon, your evening and I will see you on the next episode. See you in a while alligator thanks for listening to the episode and if you feel ready to get serious about this work and want to know when the doors open to fears fattier Academy which is my signature program, where I teach all about how to overcome your fat phobic beliefs and learn to love your fat body, then go to first party.com forward slash waitlist again that is phase fatty.com. Forward slash waitlist to get your name on the waitlist. For when first party Academy my signature program opens