Episode 40 Transcript

You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I am your host, Victoria Welsby. And in today's episode, we're talking about, Will no one ever find me attractive because I'm fat? Let's do it

I'm Vinny Welsby TEDx speaker, Best Selling Author, and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self esteem to being a courageous and confident fierce fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living with a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed? Or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century? So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty Podcast Let's begin.

Unknown Speaker 1:25

In today's episode, I'm talking about feeling unattractive because you're fat. And if it's true, that it's harder to find a partner if you're fat, and whether you're destined to be single, and alone forever, or even worse, destined to date someone who was a complete loser or it's totally suitable for you because they're, quote unquote, kind enough to overlook your fat body. But before we get into that, I want to answer a listener question. Now, if you have a question that you would like me to answer for you, then go to the shownotes first fatty.com, forward slash 040, episode 40. Oh, my good. And there's a link there so that you can answer it, ask ask a question anonymously. You can always email me, send me a DM, whatever you want. And Allah, answer it on the podcast. And also, while you're on the show notes, show notes, they're a reminder to grab your first fatty body love roadmap, and that is absolutely free. I've made it for you. It's amazing. And it's the roadmap of how to get from meek and mild to courageous and confident loving your body and not having these fears of no one's ever gonna love me or no one's ever gonna find me attractive because of my body because life's too short. Let's not worry about that shit, right? So go to the show notes to get that first fatty body love a roadmap. And if you want to ask a question, do it. So question from Destiny, who has done exactly what I mentioned destiny? So felt filled out this form. So what destiny says is, this is destinies question. I live with my uncle. And we are really close. But he thinks I can lose weight just by having more portion control because I eat a lot. What's something that I could say to him? Also, he's taking a different approach to get me to exercise so that I can increase my ability to walk long distances. But in the back of my mind, even though I want this, I think about how his previous conversations on on weight loss, and it takes the joy out of it. How can I deal with this? So a great question from Destiny. And I picked to to answer this one because a lot of people message me and say how can I deal with with family members? It's mostly family members who are like I'm concerned for your health. I'm worried that you might spontaneously combust because you're so fat. Oh, variations of that. And this one is kind of unique because it's it's got the movement in there as well. So the answer is, I wonder if you know what I'm going to say? Boundaries. Oh, boundaries? Yes, boundaries. So, boundaries are like boundaries. Other words like why do we have to be trying to become better human beings? Why do we have to communicate with variable oops, I went away. But boundaries really are an act of love. And so I Uh, your uncle, he thinks that you can lose weight by having portion control, aka, eating less food.

Unknown Speaker 5:13

And the fact is, tell him that there has not once ever, in the history of the world, how has a study study be been published to show that any method of reducing your body size through a diet works and works? Anything more than temporarily? Okay, there's no, there's no, isn't this mind blowing? There is not one single study ever and the considering that the diet industry is worth what is it now $72 billion a year that it wouldn't be backed by science. And it's not there's not one not one study to show diets work. And they can reduce your body size, long term. Yes, you can temporarily eat less food and temporarily become a smaller body size, but your body is so freakin smart. It's going to be like, What the fuck are you doing to me, we are starving, we are dying, dying, you need to eat more food and it's going to do everything it can to make sure that you you hold on to the food that you're eating, that you obsess over food, that you are not able to continue on this starvation routine, and your body is then probably most likely going to go to a higher weight in response to this deprivation. So your uncle's advice of just eat less is not going to work. I think that you know that already. But this is the kind of information that you need to know in the core of you that there is no, there's no way to really lose weight if you also want to live life. And I presume that we want to live live, right. So that's, that's that's that first thing. But the the exercise thing, so I totally get this. And I have been around people who have taken the joy out of movement more than a few times in my life. And I have reacted in different ways, especially when you when you're recovering from what a lot of people's experiences with exercise, it being this awful fit thing. And even the word exercise is horrible. And I tend to use the word movement, because it takes that exercise, you know evilness out of it. And so there's, there's a lot of trauma around moving your body for a lot of people and for a lot of fat people, because we have been punished with exercise and we have been made to with all the joys taken out of it, right? And so when you're doing something that is you're trying to have fun with it, and then someone says something, even not in the moment, like what your uncle did about losing weight, you're thinking, is he thinking in the back of his mind? Oh, well, if she keeps doing this, she's going to lose weight. You know, if she goes, you know, this far, then maybe she will burn X amount of calories. And is the person that you're doing the exercise or the movement with thinking like that, when you're just thinking, Oh, it's nice to go for a nice stroll, you know, you're you don't have necessarily those disordered thoughts. So you're trying to not have those disordered thoughts. And so it can be really complicated. Now. So a couple of examples in my life, one of my friends, we built a relationship on movement. Now we met at yoga, and we struck up a friendship and whenever we would meet, we would always meet, grab a coffee and then go for a walk. And these walks, she was in a small body, these walks started to become more disordered. Like they started to become, oh, well, you know, let's go out for two hours like her suggesting that. Oh, well. I've been walking all day long and I could really use use another walk and I haven't walked enough today and I could see that this walking thing wasn't coming from a place of it's fun to walk and it's nice to have a street All in the neighborhood. And, you know, it feels good to move our bodies a little bit and,

Unknown Speaker 10:05

and so I was like, I don't want to do this anymore. You know, not the whole walking thing like I want wanting to continue walking, but I didn't want to do it with her. And so I stopped doing it. And instead, I would say, let's sit down and have a coffee. Now another example is another friend enjoying riding bikes together. And now this one friend wanted to keep going further and faster. And again, I could see it was coming from a place that wasn't it wasn't joy, right? It was, it wasn't about me losing weight, it was about them losing weight, right. And so, you know, it wasn't projected onto me. And the last example wasn't being projected onto me either. But it just didn't, it began to not feel good. And so what I would do, because I still wanted to ride my bike and have fun is, I would set boundaries in my mind and be like, okay, so what do I actually want to do? Do I want to do this three hour bike ride? Or do I want to do a 30 minute bike ride? And is that what I want? Is that where I think I might get some joy? And so you know, when we're in the bike ride, we're not when I've got to a place where I'm like, Yeah, you know, I felt like, this isn't enough. And this is as much as I want to do. Just doing that. And just being like, that's me. That's where my, you know, Joy ends, and I've had enough and it was good. And, you know, it's, it's not gonna be fun. If I continue. It's like, imagine if someone was like, Oh, I've bought you a cake. And you're like, cool a cake. And they were like, eat the whole thing immediately. You were like, well, it was nice before you're trying to force me to eat everything immediately. Can I just have a slice? And so that's what I felt like it was this pushing was someone taking something that could be joyful, and could be nice and was joyful for me? And being like, do it all? And then do it all was taking the joy out of it? And so can you set boundaries in your brain or verbally with your uncle or not go walking with your uncle doing it alone? So there are some options. But in regards to what to say, because that is your question, what do I say? What I would do is, I would sit down with your uncle. And I'd say, Hey, uncle, I was wondering if you could help me with something? Your uncle would say, of course, because when people love us, of course, they want to help, you know. And it sounds like your uncle's trying to quote unquote, fix you anyway. So I was wondering if you could help me with something. I am learning to love my fat body, and unlearn diet culture. And I've discovered that when people say, you know, fat is negative when people say, dieting will make you lose weight when people do this, I find it triggering, I find it derails my journey. And so with that in mind, I was wondering, could you not talk about fat being negative? Could you not talk about how I should eat less food? Could you not talk about whatever it is that you want him to not talk about? Now, he can respond in any way that he wants? He may say, Yes, he may say, I have some questions about that. He may say, but I'm just worried about you. I'm just worried about your health. And this is where you back it up with your knowledge around how stigma around weight actively harms the physical and mental health of fat people. And straight sides. We've all anyone. And so say, Yeah, I understand that your concern, but this is my body. And any type of shame and stigma directly hurts me and harms my mental and physical health. I hear you I hear your concerns. And I know that you feel concerned that you love me. But you have to let me do what I want with my body.

Unknown Speaker 14:38

And, you know, he might say no, no, I'm gonna continue talking about diets or Well, you can't control how we respond to what you can do is then control how you respond to that. And so chances are, the browser boundary will at some point be broken just because you know, maybe this is a new thing. And they're not Want to be malicious or whatever not, I don't know, maybe they could be trying to be malicious. And this is when you do the really important work of saying, hey, remember we had that conversation about not talking about weight ups, and not making it a big deal. And if they keep doing it, then taking some more actions. So, Destiny, I hope that helped. And I know a lot of people have the exact same question. And with as well with movement, is there a way that you want to move that can be outside of something that you do with your uncle, and just stop doing that stuff with your uncle, or say to your uncle as well. And what you can say to your uncle is, hey, I know that you think that I should weigh less. And so when we go out for a walk, I feel like I might be being pressured to do it to lose weight versus pressure to do it to increase my stamina, or do it because it's just fun, or whatever. And it kind of takes a bit of the joy out of it. Right. And see what happens. So boring communication. Oh, well, do we have to be better communicators? Oh, so annoying. Yeah, so these conversations, they're difficult, right? Especially when it comes to stuff around fatness? Because it's kind of like, well, everyone knows that fat people are gonna die and you suck. And well, everyone knows that if you just eat less, then you'll lose weight. And the fact the thing is that, you know, everyone knows that, but it's not based in reality, it's not based in science. It's not based. In fact, you ready yet? Okay. So it's kind of like, it's harder than it's harder to set boundaries around this, because as well, you might be new on your journey, and you might not be resolute about that. And you might be thinking, Well, yeah, I could, you know, I am unhealthy and feel unsure about what, how to do that. But, you know, learning more about this stuff, and feeling confident in the fact that this doesn't feel good. Like, if that's the only thing you take away from it, does this make you feel good? No, no, well, then the other person needs to stop doing that, if it's not making you feel good. And it's not like you're asking them to, like, you know, do something outrageous, just don't be a bigger, you know? Okay, so I moving on, I, I'm gonna look at my phone for a second. Because I'm so bored talking to you know, because I, I love doing polls on my Instagram, right? Because I love trying to understand your brain and people's brain. And how you're thinking and what you're believing and any limiting beliefs that you have, so that I can try and help you overcome them. Because I'm confident now, right? And I used to not be confident. And now that I'm confident, you kind of forget what it's, you know, the, the, the pain of it all dissolves, and the immediate feelings of oh my gosh, you know, I can remember, absolutely, I can remember, but then sometimes, you know, talking to you a lot and, and really getting into it again, really helps me understand where you're at, currently. Anyway, and so I want to share these poll results with you. And then we're going to talk about the thing image again, the loving and blah, blah, blah, which is connected to this. Okay. Okay, so I asked a question, when it comes to loving and accepting your fat body? How anxious or scared? Are you? of.dot.so when it comes to loving and accepting your fat body, how anxious or scared are you have? And so the first one, how anxious or scared are you? Are you have other people's opinions? Family, friends, strangers, judging you negatively? So 86% said a lot, and 14% said, Not that much. Next question, how anxious or scared Do you have the idea that if you love your fat body, then your quote unquote giving up and super close to your life falling apart because of that? 65% said so much and 35% said Not really.

Unknown Speaker 19:40

How anxious are you about your health failing and having to deal with quote unquote, inevitable health consequences? 67 said a lot and 33% said not that much. So how anxious are you about the idea that you are not able to be confident and will fail. 77% said so much and 23% said not a lot. How anxious Are you that you will put on weight 81% said, so scared 19% said not scared that you have particularly deep fat phobia and won't be able to stop your negative thoughts. And so 77% said, very much so much. And 23% said, not really. The next one, that it means accepting, never being loved fully by romantic partners or family, etc. So 60% said, totally, and 40% said now and two more the actual reality of living in a fat phobic world that hates fat people, and especially happy fat people. So how much is that causing your anxiety? 84% surge so much, and 16% said, not really. And another one that you'll be destined to be single, or date unsuitable people, as no one will find you attractive, or your current partner doesn't find you attractive. And 70% said so much. And 30% said, nah. So I asked, as well, like, is there anything that I've missed anything that you're anxious about? And so here are the fear responses, anxious about other people's opinions, but no one will ever find me attractive because of my flabby body having a hard time with that. My health failing health, I have anxiety of body changes, whether it's shrinking or growing, that I will experience more stigma that I'm taking the easy way out, like instead of quote unquote, changing myself, that I won't ever feel that I look as good as I did when I weighed less. I'm angry about doctors not helping me It equals real issues not being treated equals dying of quote, unquote, being fat, and not being seen as an attractive partner and not being loved, slash lovable. So a good few of those were about health and were about not being found attractive. And so I've talked about health quite a lot. And not sure if I've done an episode of being attractive, or might have were 40 episodes in who knows? I mean, I do keep track of it. Off the top of my head. I haven't spoken about it in a while. So obviously I need to talk about it again. So does being fat mean that no one is going to find you attractive? Well, what do you think? What do you think? What do you think? Well, let's look at the well, first off, first off this fear. Oh, my God. Yes. Yes, of course. Why wouldn't you be afraid that no one ever is isn't ever going to find you attractive? The representation of fat bodies as people that are romantic interests without being the butt of a joke or without their weight being a thing that is not really represented. And we're told over and over again, that thin bodies are the ones that are sexy, and that if you if you fancy a fat person, it's because you're deviant. There's something wrong with you, you you're fetishizing them. And yeah, just fat bodies are better, right? Obviously, everything that our man like everything that we see it's thin bodies in romantic situations. Just oh my god, someone like a you know, a bit of trashy TV. I've been watching them Married at First Sight. We've not watched that show. Oh my gosh, basically, people get married at first sight. clues in the title. So quite good. Experts match them up on their personality. And they literally, you know, the bride walks down the aisle and they get legally married. And yeah, and of course everyone is you know, then pretty much everyone's why that I was watching the Australian version. I was like, What the? There's like, What the Everyone is why I think there was one person who was

Unknown Speaker 24:38

you know, might have been, but pretty much everyone was why everyone was you know, stereotypically what we have decided to the world beautiful and so you don't you just don't get to see fat stories being told right? As often is like 99.9% You know, finish stories. Anyway. So if you think that then well, you Yeah, of course. I'm not surprised. But there is another way to look at it. So let's look at the actual facts. Now, how many fat people are there in the world? Well, how not? Are those fat people? Or single? No. Can you think of any fat person in your life? That is in a relationship? Any fat person, or any fat person that you know? You know, like a celebrity that's ever been in a relationship? Yeah, yep. Yep, yep. Many examples. So in the States, 67% of women are plus size. So 67% of women are plus size. That means that they're all single. Right? All they're all dating, you know, people who are unsuitable and secretly think that they're disgusting. Is that do you think that's accurate? Probably not. Obviously, we don't know for sure. Probably not. But let's look at some other stats. So I've got some data, which is straight size data, sorry, but 25% of straight size of straight people said that they would date a fat person. Okay. 25% of straight people said that they would date the fat person, men and women. So that is 7.8 billion people on the planet. Let's round it up. Just to make the math CZ. 8 billion. Okay. A billion people. So very basic math says that 2 billion people on the planet, regardless of the gender would theoretically date you would date a fat person to Billy and be able to find fat people attractive. That's a lot. That adds a lot. I mean, come on now. Now you might be thinking, Okay, well, 2 billion, that's the world. Okay, that's a well, but what if my local area, and you know, not everyone in that 2 billion is going to be the right age, or they're going to be single or whatever. So let's break it down a little bit more. So I normally live in Vancouver. So in Vancouver in Canada, the population as of 2017, is 675,000. Okay, so in Vancouver, so let's split them in half 50% Are men fear, you know, this is very, like basic math. So 50% are men. So that means 337,000? Are men in Vancouver? This is you know, for me if I was going to date because I want to. Yeah, so, of that 337,000 men in Vancouver, which is where I normally live, 25% of them theoretically would data fatty. Okay, so 25% of 337 is 84,000. And so let's presume out of 84,010% of those men are straight, are single are available in my age range that I'm what I'm looking for. So you know, conservative, 10 person. That means that in my local area, there are 8442 men that in theory, would love a date with me 1442 men, so that is a lot of deck, a lot of deck. I mean, I love me someday, but I'm not sure I'm able to get through 8000 of them in the next year. I mean, I'll give it a go, really. But that's a lot of choice. It can feel like there's eight, you know, when you're on the dating apps, and you just like offer flex like, and in reality, you know, this is really crude math and not taking into different gender identities and different situations and all that type of stuff. But what I'm trying to illustrate is that, theoretically, statistically, you've got a lot of choice, and you could be living in a small area. So currently, I am in Ireland in a rural place, the the population is a few 100. So right now, I probably couldn't go into the local town and find someone to have sex with.

Unknown Speaker 29:41

Probably could there'll be some old farmers that would want to want to have a go, but that I would want to have sex with. So in that instance, I would have to broaden my search. And so when I've been on the dating apps in Ireland, I've been broadening my search to about four hours in my local area because I know that I have to to expand that, because statistics, right? So is it statistically true that no one wants to date you because you're fat? No, the answer is no, very clearly no, that's not true. And you can say, well, I'm, I'm really ugly, or, but I am a super fat person, or but I have other marginalized identities. And yes, that will make it harder. Absolutely. But out of 8 billion people, you think that there's not a single one? 8 billion is like a lot. That's like, a lot. There's a lot of people. So it's just not true. That no one wants to date you. And I know, that might be hyperbole when says no one wants to date me. Because you might be thinking, well, I know, people do want to date me, but they're all losers are all they're all whatever. But they're also lots of incredible people that want to date you who are good. You know, there'll be excellent partners. And I'm not looking at your body as as, like it's something negative or bad. So yes, I just want to acknowledge Yes, there are more people that would want to date you if you were thin. Dating would be so much easier. If you had a smaller body. Dating would be so much easier. If you had all of these things about you that you can't change. I can't change, right? You know, if I would happen to be a millionaire than dating probably easier. Or if I happened to look like a model, then dating would be easier, right? But the things we can't change. So, you know, recognizing that, yes, there are people that don't want to date you. But do you want to date them? Here's what I mean. Do you want to date them? Do you want to date someone who is like, fat, a body all that fat? Or even someone's just like now I'm just not interested in fat people? No, no, you do not? No, no, thank you. Not for me. Anyway, I don't want to date someone who is I don't want to date someone who is about any identity. I want to date someone who is emotionally mature, and understands that human bodies come in all sorts of shapes and forms and expressions, etc. Right? And so, imagine if you weren't in marching, if you magically got that body where, you know, every person on the internet would be like, Oh, my God, I want to date with you. You imagine? You could just date theoretically, anyone. Okay. And you started dating someone? Imagine if you then put on weight and then discovered that they were a raging fat phobe? That would fucking suck would net? Right? Imagine if I didn't know something happened in your life and your body changed. And they were like, Oh, God didn't know that your body could change my thank you. I'm out of here. Like, do you want to be with someone like that? Do you want to be with a bigot? Probably not. Right. So the way that I see is that my body is a bigot detector. It's like a screening mechanism mechanism. So when I'm on the dating apps, or wherever, if someone looks at my body and says, Well, no, thanks. Great. I'm so pleased that they were able to reject me before we got into relationship and then I found out they were a bigot. So I'm thankful that my body can screen out bigots in some ways, right? I might end up with someone who's bigoted in another way someone might see my white skin and be like, oh, yeah, my closet racist and then date me and then you know, I found out they're a racist afterwards and other like alpha fucks. Like, you know, but my body is able to screen out people who were size bigots, right. And think people don't have that they don't know how they don't have that. So, you know, the poor straight size people are going out and they're dating people who were beggars and they don't even realize and it only happens you know, if they happen to put on weight that they realize and then like, oh shit, you know, I'm dating someone who only wants to be with me because of my body size, which is really fucking weird. And by the way, fat phobia is not a sexual preference. Bigotry is not a sexual preference.

Unknown Speaker 34:39

The same way any other form of bigotry is not a sexual check sexual preference. So we live in such a fat phobic society that it's harder to spot to spot this that is problematic. You know, if someone says oh, I'd never date a fat person or I prefer people who are thin and athletic. It that is actually super fucked up. Really it is. And people are like, well, you know, because they're just attracted to thin people. Imagine if anyone if people said that about other marginalized identities and they do, like, for example, people say, Oh, I would never date a trans person all the time. And that's fucked up to like, saying that you won't date someone because of their marginalized identity. Is Wrong is wrong, right? It's wrong. And we fetishize thin bodies in our society, we really do we fetishize them. But the moment someone says, oh, yeah, I date fat people, then we're like, oh, my gosh, they've got a thing. For fatties. Maybe there's something wrong with them. Maybe they're, they're, they're, they're a chubby chaser or, or whatever. But if someone said, I have a thing for thin bodies, you just be like, Oh, doesn't everyone. We make people who are attracted to fat people into people who have, I don't know, a mental health problem, or some weird kink, because being attracted to fat people is clearly like, really outwear you know, it's not I'm being sarcastic. It's not. You know, maybe people who date fat people, maybe they're just not bigots. Maybe they've worked through fat phobia. Maybe they never let society tell them how to who to find attractive. Maybe they are just interested in dating people of all body sizes, and they know that all bodies are cool, like straight size bodies, or call fat bodies or call disabled bodies or call, you know, just people a call and they just, they're just not a bigot. You know? And of course, there are people who fetishize fat bodies. And but, you know, the amount of people who fetishize thin bodies in comparison is like, you know, a million to one. And we say, oh, for a certain thing, bodies is okay, but fetishizing fat bodies is not okay. And, you know, is and it's okay, to fetishize it's okay, to fetishize, you know, as long as everyone's in agreeance, and there's consent then fetishize away, you know, if you're not hurting anyone, seriously. So with all of these confusing and harmful messages about fat bodies, then it's no, no one, that we worry that no one will want to date us. And if they do there, something wrong with them, or, you know, they're secretly hating your fat body, and they're dating you because you've got such a great personality. No. So, you know, it's no wonder. I met recently, I was at a conference recently, in the last year or two, I met someone and we had some really great discussions about fat phobia. And she was really interested in it. And a question she asked me was, so do you only date fat people then? And I've never had that question before. And I was like, Oh, well, no. I date, I currently date all different body types. Like it doesn't even factor into my attraction to someone I'm really, I'm really attracted to people because of their personality and who they are as a human. And, and then when I get that attraction, then I am then attracted to their body. And, you know, whatever that body is. So I said, Oh, no. And then it made me think like, in the past when I was fat phobic who would I date? And I, at that time, obviously, when I was fat phobic I was you know, 100% believed that fat bodies were not as worthy as straight size bodies. And so I would intentionally date people who were by society standards, attractive, but had ship personalities. So I would always think, okay, I'd think they bring the looks because Because Because, because clearly, I'm fat. So I'm hideous. And then I bring the personality because they have a ship personality.

Unknown Speaker 39:32

I was bringing the looks and the personality, baby. But yeah, so I wanted to do that. So I could prove to the world look, I can date a gorgeous person. So I have more value because of the person that I'm dating, which is all kinds of fucked up. I mean, no. And, you know, they were honestly I would date dickheads that didn't deserve to be with me and treated me really badly. But I would always be like, Oh, they're so charitable for being with me. You know, because of my body or, and I would think about, you know, when they would see me naked, that they would be like, Oh, God, disgusting. I had no evidence to support this theory, like in regards to the personal relationships. But yeah, I wouldn't want to date fat people, because I felt like it would draw attention to us as a couple. And people would make more judgments about me. So I wanted to be in the proximity of thinness and so that the positive things that straight size people get would be then transferred on to me. And so I thought that if I was with a fat person, then people would be like, well, look at you too fat people, no wonder you're fat, because you're both fat. Where as if I was with someone who was straight size, I could maybe I could flow under the radar. And maybe people would not notice that I was fat. That was my thinking. Now, I know a lot of people actually do the opposite. And so they wouldn't want to be with someone who was straight size, because they wouldn't want the, the difference to be obvious. But it's all none of it is, you know, legit, like none of it is. And I really, it comes from a place of fear, right? And all of it like any other preferences that I used to have a big one would be height, like, I'm five, seven. And I would only ever want to date guys who were taller. And it wasn't because I necessarily had a preference for guys who were taller. It was because I had a deep insecurity about my height and my size. And I thought if that guy was taller, it would make me look thinner and smaller. And it would make me feel more feminine. And so that had nothing to do with the masculinity of the guy or, you know, the fact that I was attracted to, you know, someone's hyping like, oh my god, yeah. I just, you know, someone who's six, six foot, oh, my God, I'm just gonna, you know, have a wank over it, like, all that high. You know, you might do that. But you know, that wasn't me. It was, for me, it was all, you know, deep insecurity about who I was. It was all about me. Same. I wouldn't date any guy who had any type of feminine, that I decided were feminine characteristics, like someone who didn't have very short hair, very short nails. Someone who was sensitive or and you know, anything, which is not that that stereotypical hyper masculine, I'd be like, no, no, no, thank you. And it has nothing to do with what I was attracted to. And everything to do with what I was insecure about. Yeah, so um, interesting, right. Now being fat positive, like I mentioned, like, you know, I, literally, am so open to who I find attractive I am, I'm so open and open on what genders I find attractive, and, you know, weigh bodies come in the world. I'm just, it's just, it's not about that anymore. For me. And that feels like freedom. For me. Really, it feels like freedom, because I'm not so in my head, about my own body. And what that is what it means to other people, like, yeah, other people are going to judge my body and they're going to judge other fat people's body. But that's their problem, right? They're missing out. You know, imagine all of the great people that I would have missed out on before because I was like, No, their hair is like three inches long, disgusting. Oh, I wouldn't date someone like that. Ooh, gross, you know, and they could have been a great person. And that was my loss. You know, it wasn't their loss. They could have dated someone who was a knob. If they don't need me because I was a, I was a novice at that time and probably still am a knob in lots of ways. So in conclusion, is it true that no one date you because you're fat? New, new. Not true. Is it harder to in the romantic world? Yes, absolutely. It's harder.

Unknown Speaker 44:40

Is the fact that you get to screen bigots out because of the size of your body or with the way that your body your looks, express yourself with your body. Is that something that straight size people don't have the luck to have? Yeah, straight size people don't Get that we have a superpower with our fat bodies. We our biggest screeners, were able to screen out the size bigots. And if you have any other identities, you're able to screen out, you know, other bigots just with your body without even saying a word. It's a magic trick, right? So, you know, there's positives to it. And also acknowledging, yes, it's hard. And, yes, it's, it's difficult because you're constantly being reminded that you're, your body's not okay. And so even if you're in a relationship, and your partner is like, you're fucking gorgeous, you can hear those words of your fucking gorgeous and be like, Oh, they're just saying it's been ice. And that's because of the fat phobic society we live in and the, you know, still believing those things that your body isn't good enough, because society says, and where did this preference come from? It came from racism. It came from whites supremacy, it came from religious, oppressive religious attitudes, it came from people wanting to make money from your body. It came from patriarchy. It came from transphobia. It came from like, it came from all of these systems that you don't want to buy into, that we don't want to buy into. And so if you if you are genuinely feeling like fat, thin bodies are better. You're agreeing with oppressive ideologies. You know, it's like, going on to Donald Trump's Twitter account and him saying his normal, bigoted stuff, and you liking the thing you like in his thing, or retweeting it, by continually having these thoughts that your body is not okay, you're basically retweeting Trump tweets, that's what you're doing. That is what you're doing. But these tweets are invisible, right, these tweets that you're supporting, or these ideologies, they're invisible. And, you know, it's not on the internet, where you're forwarding, you know, or re sharing this tweet, but you're really sharing these ideas by letting them play out on your brain and re sharing them, when you have your own preferences that might be not cool. And you're re sharing them when you you know, voice them to other people or say, oh, maybe if I lost weight, then I'd get my boyfriend or whatever, whatever it is. And let's just stop, like, let's just work on why we believe these things and, and stop playing into the idea that it is a fact that thin bodies are better, is not it's an opinion, an opinion that came from someone just like Donald Trump, and fuck that, you know, we don't support that. Right. And another thing that I totally forgot that I've touched that haven't touched on, is we're also buying into the idea that being attractive is something that is valuable. And it's, it's not right like in regards to our worth as human beings we are worthy whether we are quote unquote attractive or not. We are worthy if we are you know, identify as the ugliest motherfucker on in on the on the planet, you still worthy, you know, I'm still worthy, whether some guy, some random person on the street is like, Oh, she's ugly. I'm still worthy. If someone is like, she's the most sexy thing that I've ever seen in my life. It has nothing to do with my value as a human being and, and this desire to be seen as attractive is also playing into these ideas. And we just don't need to work. We just don't need to worry about it. Like who cares if you are an attractive? Like, if you've decided, yeah, I'm an attractive, like, what is attractiveness? You know, it's just so complicated. And, and, yeah, because I see a lot of times people will say, Oh, well. Confidence is the sexiest thing people can wear, a woman can wear. And I'm just like, yeah, confidence is sexy, but we're still pandering to other people.

Unknown Speaker 49:26

You know, by saying confidence is sexy. Who the fuck cares if other people think that you're sexy? If you feel sexy, great. If you're don't feel sexy, that's fine. Like if you're, if that's your thing, like if you're asexual, cool, whatever, but make it about you and not how others are perceiving you like a lot of people. Yeah, like a lot of people want to become confident so that they can be sexy. They know that it can't change their size, but they're like if I'm confident then I will be sexy and I'm And, and that is is to is problematic. So how about just feeling confident just because it feels good or, you know, you're able to relate to your body better body better and maybe you know, you'll feel sexy yourself but fuck that like doing shit for other people all the time so that they can consume you like you're not a you're not an object. You're you and your balance, right? Hey, so I'm wearing this t shirt, it says nothing but blue skies, and I love this t shirt. And the quote, nothing but Blue Skies is is this idea that even if it's a rainy day, so I'm looking out from my office window today, it's really foggy and rainy. And we're in the middle of summer, but I'm in Ireland. So

Unknown Speaker 50:51

what do you expect we had our one day of sun, so we're done for the season. Anyway, so it's rainy and foggy. But if I got an aeroplane or in a

Unknown Speaker 51:01

rocket or whatever, and I went above the clouds, clouds up, there would be blue sky. And so I really liked this phrase, nothing but blue sky, or another version of it is blue sky ahead, a blue blue sky above. And it's saying that, even if it's a really shit day, the blue sky is always there. But it's just like temporary, the clouds are covering it. And so I like wearing this t shirt, because if I ever feel down, then I can like, you know, things will change, it will get better. There's there is always hope. And there's always blue sky up there somewhere. And it might be really difficult to get there. It might be ages before you get there. It might you might happen tomorrow that the sun is shining. But there is always that blue sky there that hope there for you. Yeah, so if you want to watch a, you can watch me doing these videos, these videos, these podcast recordings over YouTube, and you can see my face and see my T shirt when I'm doing it. And if you notice in the background, if you're on YouTube, a beautiful cross stitch that I did, I'm going to share I'm going to share a picture on Instagram. And a cross stitch is the words fuck. With leopard print,

Unknown Speaker 52:20

it's pretty good took me like 100 hours. A regular cross stitcher would have been like that would take me two hours.

Unknown Speaker 52:28

Anyway, so if you do want to watch the video, then videos for all of the podcasts are on the YouTubes. And a reminder to go to the show notes. First funny.com forward slash 040 for Episode 40, or they will be in your show notes the thing on your phone oh my god was a hard and to get that body love roadmap. And so inside the roadmap, you get the three easy steps to follow it to increase your body confidence. The three massive mistakes that everyone makes when it comes to learning to love their body and how you can avoid them. And an invitation to join my family friends community and you're gonna get body love training to your inbox. stuff straight from my heart to yours. So and how much is that? You say Victoria? How much is that? It's free. It's free for you. Okay, so go check it out. And any questions go there. Still, if you want to leave a review a nice juicy five-star review. Take a screenshot of that. Send it to me and I'll send you a free copy of my best-selling book or did you digital an audio version? So okay, thank

Unknown Speaker 53:47

you for hanging out with me today. It's been amazing. Can you tell my voice is starting to go? Yeah, so it's time for me to go. So I will bid you adieu and say in a while alligator. See you later. Crocodile Have a wonderful day, fatty. Okay, bad