Episode 43 Transcript

You're listening to The Fierce Fatty Podcast. I am your host Victoria Welsby. And in this episode, we're doing a little bit of live coaching with Bethan. Let's do it.

I'm Vinny Welsby TEDx speaker, Best Selling Author, and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self esteem to being a courageous and confident fierce fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living with a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed? Or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century? So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty Podcast Let's begin.

Unknown Speaker 1:22

Hello, hello fatti are you doing? I hope you doing well. Give you a moment to answer then and I'm listening and listening. The sun is shining here in Ireland got a little bit of breezes. I'm feeling good. And I just came off a call with Bethan and Bethan is one of my first fattie Academy members. First party Academy is my program. And so those in my program we have calls where we, we do coaching? And this is kind of a snippet of what that looks like. So, Bethan actually is someone like if every time I chat to her, I feel like my we're the same person. We're the same person. anytime she tells me something. I'm like, same, same, same. We were born in the same city. And we've had so many similar things happen to us in our lives, but I'm thinking that my mum might have had a secret baby or something. I don't know, maybe my dad did. And Bethany is the result of it. Because, yeah, there's a lot of same things have happened to us. And so we talk about how Bethany is struggling with loving or accepting or even, you know, not hating her belly, and also the idea of dealing with people's judgments. And so if you are struggling with loving your belly, and if you are struggling with being anxious that people are judging you on what they're thinking, then you should definitely listen on it but even if you're not then listen or not, because it's really awesome stuff. In this episode, and by the way, we mean, Bethan spoke about this at the end of the episode, she mentions dairy milk. She says we have dairy milk in the UK. Now I know you have Capris across the world, but here's the thing. Ken breeze in Canada tastes like chocolate with sand mixed in. It's a very different beast. And so if you've not tried British chocolate, then I suggest you do it. Because it is delicious and lovely. And it makes my brain happy. And then when I go back to Canada, and I taste the chocolate on my bottle, fuck is this shit. And so I find British chocolate when I come. Alright, so without further ado, let's get into this episode with Bethan who is a member of my first party Academy. Okay, so Bethan welcome today, I'm so glad that I had a chance to I'm having a chance to chat with you. Would you introduce yourself? Tell us about you and yeah, so if we can get to know Yeah.

Unknown Speaker 4:17

Yes, well, I'm Bethan. I live in England. I live in what quite nearby to where Victoria is from Stanford. So, yes, I have come here because I've spent my whole life hating how I look. I kind of had they weird health conditions that have sort of made it really difficult for me to lose weight and I have found quite a lot of people be really horrible to me about it. And I was also in a abusive relationship, which kind of made or kind of cemented my whole hate of how I looked and are being told Can you Initially, that was a big girl and I took up too much space. And I just kind of want to love myself now, because I've kind of got through a lot. And I don't want to allow this to be the thing that really affects me for the rest of my life. And also, when I'm moving forward and meet people, I want people to have all of me and not just this part that I'm putting on to just fit in and try to wear baggy clothes. And so people don't make comments or, like, this morning, I ate a brownie when I was out and I felt good about it. I was like, I'm going to eat that brownie. I don't care what all you people are thinking, because I know that I'm doing the right things. And I'm happy. So yeah, I'm just trying to sort of be continuously happy not have the up and down, because I kind of will have moments where I think, oh, maybe I've got this health problem. And then I think, Oh, wait, oh my god, I might use weight from that. And I think, no, that's not the goal. That's not what I need. That's not going to make me happy because I did keto and I was miserable.

Unknown Speaker 6:06

Yeah, you're you're a nice story is really similar. Like, I think that's why you connected with me on Instagram because I we both grew up in Peterborough. Yeah. Which is a complete shithole. You do you think it's actually told this issue at all? Oh,

Unknown Speaker 6:22

yeah. Yeah. Speaking to my mom about this the other day, and she said, It's such a shame that you were born there. I was I know, because I grew up in deeping. But yeah, I was born in Peterborough. Unfortunately,

Unknown Speaker 6:37

I know very sad. So we can we can commiserate. And we're like, Oh, my God, we survived. Oh, my God. Yeah, and as well as your with your abusive relationship. Obviously, I had that experience, too. So it's, I find it interesting. Like, I wonder how many people who have lower self esteem? Or maybe because they know that they have bigger bodies, except not that we accepted a shaky relationship, but you know, ended up in a situation like that.

Unknown Speaker 7:04

Yeah. Well, I found that he kind of would say to me that I'm only doing this because you're gross now. Like nobody else would fancy you. And I was like, Yeah, well, actually, I believe that too. And at the time, I fought fairplay. And I always felt like it was the punishment that I needed. A and it's really weird. Because now and it's funny, because, I mean, at the time, I would think, or I'd see stuff on TV, and I'd go, I would never let that happen. And then, lo and behold, I was, I think, because you kind of separate yourself from it. But you just believe that actually, this is what I deserve. Because everybody else treats you like that my dad who I don't talk to you now, he would say to me all the time that I was a big girl, and my family members would make comments about how much weight I'd gained. And basically making it sound like it was the worst thing to be in the world. But now, I think I'm kind of getting to the point. But with myself, I think that if anyone said I was a bad person, that will be far more hurtful to me than being fat. Because I just think, you know, whatever, at least I know, I'm a nice person. And also because of the things I've had to experience, it has made me a nice person. So it's made me a better person. So even though what he did was horrendous. And it still does affect me, because I'm definitely I live in a state of fight or flight. But I think it has sort of helped me sort of look at the world in a different way that I wouldn't advise that you go through that, to get to this point.

Unknown Speaker 8:46

Learn to be a good person by being with a complete knob head abuser boyfriend.

Unknown Speaker 8:53

When I first got my boyfriend on with now, who is a complete opposite, he held open a door for me. And I remember having my mind blown because my ex would drop the door. As he'd gone through it, he dropped it. So it would just hit me. And I remember one time he slapped me in front of one of his friends and they thought it was hilarious because you know, they always make comments about how I looked like they're like a haven had somebody at school say it's such a shame she gained so much weight because she's got such a pretty face and I thought okay, so my call

Unknown Speaker 9:33

just if my I literally did like an eye pop then and my eyes feel strained from my eyes popping open so much in like, oh my god, I can't believe I That's just awful. Yeah, horrendous, well abusive. When

Unknown Speaker 9:48

you know when the person told me that this particular girl had said this comment she read that's a nice thing though. She's saying you had a pretty face and like, he doesn't think that I could possibly Be pretty when I'm bigger, which is crazy. Like, it shouldn't be that way. It shouldn't be that your body is the thing that makes you beautiful. It's, I feel like the people who I've connected with most of the ones that have everything nice inside, you know? Because I think that's why like I related to you, because when I'd seen some of your stuff, and then I started listening to your podcast, I was thinking, Oh, my God, yes. And I was driving along going, Yes. And I was like, That's me. Oh, my God. I think, because I was just talking to my boyfriend about it. And I said, Tim, I feel that a lot of people think that being big is a lazy option that you've just chosen to be because you're gluttonous. And you know, if you are cool, but I know that I'm just trying to do the best to get by. And also I'm just trying to be happy because my happiness is far more important to me.

Unknown Speaker 10:58

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So you mentioned the podcast, is that how you found me? Like, how did you find me and join the Academy?

Unknown Speaker 11:06

I think somebody had shared your account, they were talking about body positive people. And I can't remember who it was now. But I saw the name first fatty. And, you know, I've said to you before that I've had issues with the word fat. And it's still something I'm like, I still feel not 100% comfortable with but I'm getting there. And I saw that, and I was like, Oh, she sounds like my sort of person. Because she can just say what she needs. And that's kind of how I stumbled upon cost you and I think I was on your page for like an hour, like scoring for you and watching all the clips was like, Yeah, I'm just gonna message her

Unknown Speaker 11:46

to create such a stalker.

Unknown Speaker 11:49

I've been locked down.

Unknown Speaker 11:52

That's what it is. And so then how did you find out about face Matty Academy?

Unknown Speaker 11:57

I think the main way I think you posted something about on your story. And I thought, That sounds like the thing that I need to top me up. Because I've, you know, after my abusive relationship, I had DBT therapy. And I sort of had all that, and I really turned my life around, like my friends will say, and my mom will say that I was a completely different person. And now I just seem happier. And the whole body image seems to be like the icing on top of the cake that I need that, that because I just kind of always accepted that I probably won't ever be happy. Because for such a long time, I've just only ever looked at my face in a mirror. And I will not look below my chin. Because it just upsets me. But now I sort of look at and go. You look good. Like, you got it. You good? But yeah,

Unknown Speaker 12:59

yeah. So it's interesting how, for me to the very last thing, like, I feel like I sorted everything out and I became more well balanced. And it was just the body image stuff. And it was so sticky and so difficult. And I was just like, I just want to get thin or, or learn to like my body. And I couldn't do either. So So So what are you getting out of fear spatio Academy so far, I know you're you're still new. You've been in this IT academy for a couple of weeks. So you've not done the whole experience yet. But so far, what have you got out of this Valley

Unknown Speaker 13:30

Academy? How supportive is that just, you know, I've found that it's given me a little bit of a kick up the butt I needed. And the other day I posted in the group about a local swimming pool to me had put something about losing weight. And so I just messaged them, and I just said about how in this society that shouldn't be like your focus, it should be fitness and you know, just being strong and doing it because you love something not because it's, you know, for the gram. And like, look how skinny I am like, so it's kind of given me a real Oh, oh my God, I didn't know this existed that I could actually like myself. And it's really useful because when I've been going through the resources, there's so many resources that, like, I just assumed that the only places that you can buy bigger clothes was like, boo hoo, and it's awesome. That's it. But it's nice because you sort of you've got all these different I mean, I've been having a look through them. And I'm just like, Oh my God, I didn't even realize this. And it's nice because it feels like I've just stepped into this whole new world that I had no idea existed, and I like how its laid out as well. It's very clean, and it's very it doesn't feel like because you know when you some people that I've come across before, I've kind of felt that you can only ever be positive about it. But there are positives and negatives to how you feel So it's nice because there's a balance, which I've not always seen, it's always been like, you need to be positive about everything, when actually some days you just want to be Debbie Downer about it.

Unknown Speaker 15:12

And that's important, right? Like, I, I have a thing next to in my office, let me just show it to you. Which is, yeah, embrace the suck. And so like, embrace the shitty and the good, because it's all it's all important for growth and and whatnot. Yeah, like that. The the list you saying about like the resources? Yeah, I always thought like, oh, well, there's no one place that I can shop or whatever. And then I started doing some research and the I think it's like 176 places that you can shop. In that section, I think it's, it's, it's a lot. It's like, you couldn't you couldn't possibly shop at all the stores. And so when you've got all of this, you know, extra resources, like films to watch or podcasts or listen to books to read. And just so you can surround yourself. And that's just like one of the small bonus things and but it's just so massive, like you say, to realize that there is this whole other world out there. It's

Unknown Speaker 16:12

amazing. You know, it's because I kind of a lot of my thing is that I love color. And I love wearing clothes that make me happy. Like my whole house, I've got loads of different colors. And I love it because it makes me smile. And when I first gained all the way, all I would do was go into a shop, go to the back of the rail and be like, Okay, that'll fit that will do. And I didn't really think about what will make me happy or stuff that would drown me, basically. So I didn't show my body. Because for a long time after what happened with my ex, I'd refer to it as my crime scene. Because it was kind of, he'd say things about it, he'd say that I had sneaky boobs, because like saggy, and like stuff like that. So it kind of got into my head a bit. And so I just really wanted to cover it. So I didn't ever have to look at it. And I would go past windows and look up. And now it's nice because my clothes are starting to actually get more to how I want to be like colorful, I know I'm wearing a white t shirt right now. But I dropped called slow down the other one.

Unknown Speaker 17:23

Excuse me Excuse.

Unknown Speaker 17:26

I was enjoying it too much. But yeah, like, it's a, I think it's just important to have those things and to always feel like it's quite validating because you can see it and you think, oh my god, this list is actually made for me, because so many times I'm scrolling through Instagram and the things whether like things you may like and it's like these people that are not me. And, you know, I don't want to see my whole newsfeed with just my face. But I'd like to see some people that actually have some curves and rolls some actual looks like they're eating a cake, like quite quite a bit. Because we love cake. And I don't want to have that. I feel like there's this whole sort of society of like being made to feel guilty for just being human, which is mad, like, I can't help but have walls and like, all those sorts of lovely things.

Unknown Speaker 18:19

It's so interesting you say about your ex saying you have Snoopy boobs, which is just I just want to roundhouse kick him in the face. That was one of the big things that my ex said to me not Snoopy boos, but he'd always be like, Oh, you're titsa saggy. And I would always be like, Oh God, this is so shameful. Because in the UK, it feels like there's a really big cultural, you know, like with page three, and the culture is like, tits, like, yeah, women's tats like big, bouncy, perky tits, and doing this work, it's really made me realize that I think that if you your if your tits and or you know, like a medium size, or even if they're big, too, it's more likely than not, they're not perky, because it's not possible. Like because this is like their tips. They're gonna this is what tests look like, you know, I think it's more common for women to have saggy tits, and saggy tits in a beautiful way, saggy boobs matter than it is to have like, perky tits. But all tests are good, but still, like that was a big thing that I had to learn is that my tits are just normal tests and they're great. And they're sexy and all that type of stuff. So yeah, well,

Unknown Speaker 19:33

you know, with my, my boyfriend now he'll always say that he just likes me as I am. And he I'll say to him, and I told him about that, because for a long time, I would wear a bra around him because I was like, he can't see me without because I was just so worried. And now I'll just actually get like kitchen town and be like, he's like, what's waiting for us? I better believe I do. He's like, that sounds awful. So we I can just now be comfortable. Whereas before, I'd be like, I don't sweat that I don't sweat anywhere. When actually, I do.

Unknown Speaker 20:15

I'm not a human being. I'm just like a sector robot here to play to you.

Unknown Speaker 20:19

Yeah, my whole purpose. Love you. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker 20:24

So we're here to talk about, like, you know, giving you a boost, and helping you out with any struggles that you have right now. And it sounds like you're doing really well. But I'm curious, what is one area that you're currently struggling with?

Unknown Speaker 20:42

So I'll just do a little bit on what's going on with me. So at the moment, it's been difficult. I found that because you know, everything going on at the moment, it feels kind of bleak, and I think a lot of it is, is that I'm seeing a lot more of myself. And I'm getting to know myself a lot more. And I think that's been challenging. Because I feel like I've come a long way in lots of ways, but there are little things that still get to me. Yeah, one of my main things is kind of how my body looks, specifically my stomach. I really struggle with that. And when I because the thing is, I'm not big in the way of say what a lot of people might think was big, but I've got my stomach sags and it's uncomfortable, and I genuinely won't like my boyfriend to see it. And I just say to him, please look away. I don't mind here, because he's seen them now. Oh, I see. Oh, I just say, Please don't look at it, because it just hangs and it looks horrible. For me, and the thing is, I'm trying to be less mean to it. Because my, my you know, the abuser guy, he would make comments about it poker in night, just generally be a dick about it. And I think a lot of my hangups with little parts of my body are big parts of my body are because of stuff he said, and I mean, I haven't I broke up with him. I'm 28 now and workout when I was 23. So it's been a long time, but it's still got the scars that are still there. And I think, because he would always make out the bigger people weren't people that were kind of worthy of a lot of respect. Because he'd sort of say that, you know, because of the whole, I don't back to you, but I woke up people won't answer you. So you know, I will just keep reviewing, you know, just as a favor to you. Even though it was non consensual, he would still sort of say, well, I think that, you know, I'll just do this for you, you know, because he's such a charity guy. So yes, that was that was one of the things that's kind of been difficult for me. And also because I've been in the My relationship with my boyfriend for two years now. And, you know, the whole onslaught, and especially when you're heading towards 30, the whole questions of when you get married when you having kids, and all those fun questions. And I kind of in my head, I'm thinking, so when I get married, I'm gonna be slim. Like, I know that, like, that's my little picture in my head. Like, I've got it, I've got my Pinterest board, and I don't fit in with a Pinterest person that I've got. And I'm now trying to get my head around the fact that because I think it's mental when you actually think about losing weight for one day, and then you go on your honeymoon and then like gain it all back is mad thinking that that's going to make you happy. And I get that people do it because they want the good photos. But also is that representative of your true self, which is what I struggle with. Because I'm quite the thing is, I've got a lot of common sense and I'm very logical, but I do feel like I deal with two versions of myself. I deal with the emotional meaty one. And then the one that's like, that's ridiculous that you just want to lose weight for one day. But I can't always get that into my head like it doesn't stick. That's like another major thing.

Unknown Speaker 24:43

Yeah, interesting. Okay, so Barry and wedding so let me just make a note Bellion wedding. Now. You just said you know, it's ridiculous that you would want to be three And for your wedding for one day, is it ridiculous that you would want that?

Unknown Speaker 25:09

Probably not. But also, yes, cuz I feel like it's putting a lot of pressure on myself for something leading up to something that's going to be so wonderful. I think it almost, you know, the planning, and I know that people say it's stressful, but I just feel that for me, it's going to be something that I've been working towards, and it's going to be such a lovely day, because it's going to be something that, you know, I've already said to relatives, if you think that you're going to tell me what we need at this wedding, then you're going to be out here because I just want to be able to do it for myself. But I think the weight side? Um, I don't know. I do think it is. When you look at other people's wedding photos, I did see one girl who I went to school with, and I thought, Wow, she looks great. She's like, curvy girl. But she looked great. But I can't see that as myself yet.

Unknown Speaker 26:13

Because what what would it mean, if you? Magically, I don't know how this would happen. But magic. I know, Paul Daniels came along, he's a cheesy British magician waved his magic wand, and it was your wedding day, and you were the quote unquote, perfect, same body that you could have dreamt off all your whole life? What would that mean? Would that mean to the people viewing your body?

Unknown Speaker 26:39

Yes. See, I think that's where I think is my problem. I'm more concerned about what others think of it. I think I, one thing that I find challenging is being confident in that this is how I want to be, because it's kind of been a choice that's been taken out of my hands. So it kind of feels hard to be okay with it. But I think I'm, I would want it to be that I was smaller enough for other people's expectations for them to think, Oh, she would have had a lovely day. And she would have been happy. And I, you know, my boyfriend, he's very, he's very comfortable. He's a bigger guy. He's very comfortable with how he is. And I think that's been really nice for me to be around, which is kind of why I'm on this journey. But I still is that little thing where I'm thinking because my mom's five, two, and she's tiny. And she would she would swap with me if we could, however, I don't think she would deal with what had to deal with as well. But also, I do sometimes wonder if she's maybe saying that she's okay with how I am but not like wish that I could have been like, size 10. And obviously, she would have wished because I've got a few health problems that I was healthier. But I think sometimes I'm like, Are you just saying this? Because this is how I am now and anything else is would be mean? So yeah, I think it's mainly because I'm concerned about what other people would think of me because I do think a lot of people see my way of life as always being lazy and choosing a lazy option, which actually, you know, I wait train, like I do those sorts of things. And I eat what I like, to a degree. I mean, the thing is, I kind of I get nervous stomach, so I can't always eat exactly what I want. But I'm balanced. Like I said I had a brownie earlier. And I think it's kind of it's always about what other people think. I think I would not be in this situation. Had it not been for people letting me know what they thought of me

Unknown Speaker 28:59

to do. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So is this the easy way out? Like is this easy to learn to love your body? Has it been easy so far? No. I mean, a lot, a lot of

Unknown Speaker 29:11

work. Yeah, I think the thing is, I think it's harder than keto. And all the diets that I did, convincing myself that they were going to work. Because when I actually realize, like, actually just do the intuitive eating and you know, do those things that makes me feel not intuitive. I think he's I don't really follow anything as such, I just kind of go with Oh, I really fancied him so I'm reading a crisp, so I'll have them but I kind of sort of follow that sort of mindset because I had so many foods in my head that I could not eat because carbs and chocolate and chocolate is you know, we have dairy milk in England. And that's the one and you know, I kind of got to the point where I was missing out on so many things and not going out with friends. And because I didn't want them to think Oh, my God, why she in a salad she clearly didn't eat salad. Right?

Unknown Speaker 30:09

Why she lying? Why she if you eat a salad then you're lying. And if you eat like a cake then Oh, well that's why they're fat and it's like you cannot win.

Unknown Speaker 30:18

Yeah, like everyone becomes like Sherlock Holmes and like diets. Oh my god, she definitely doesn't eat salads. And it's like, actually, I have a bit of everything.

Unknown Speaker 30:30

So it sounds like your perception of your belly. If you lived on a desert island, and you knew that no one was ever going to see your belly again. Would you be worried about what your belly looked like? Or is it what other people think of your belly?

Unknown Speaker 30:49

Yeah, it's whatever people because I will put something on. So at the moment, I'm wearing shorts and a cocktail. And I'll walk around the house. And I'm like, great. I don't mind it. But the second someone's eyes because I'm not very good. If someone's eyes leave my face. In go anywhere further down. I'm thinking, Oh my God. They're thinking I'm fat. They're thinking I'm gross. Oh my god, they see my stomach. Oh my god, they say my snippy tastes like, thinking, oh, like they're gonna. And that's the problem that I've always had people. Because people have been really mean, I had someone shout at me, or told me to get out the road, you fat bitch. And you know, I've had constant, your big girl. Fat, or, you know, just and that's why I think it's still a bit of a word for me that I'm like, make sense? Yeah. Yeah, because I'm just like, Oh, God, but then, you know, it's never been put to me that it was a good thing, like how I am. It's always put to you that, Oh, my God, you're telling me that way. You're just like, you're just gonna carry on doing that, like, that's gross. It just feels like that, that you're almost gross and unattractive. That you're not worthy of people that even just respect you. You know, like, from just stuff that I've read on this fatty website, like I in the training, I've now I've got my appraisal this week. And now I'm going to ask a pay rise? Yes. You know, I know. Because I've got this locked down, I've done my work. And all through the year, I've done my work. And I know that that's what I deserve. And there is part of me that has this image in my head where I'm thinking, Do you deserve it, though? Because of, you know, my own perceptions of myself, but absolutely heap reading stuff that I've got, like, praise from different senior management and stuff like that. And I think okay, and I have to reassure myself, but yeah, that really went off a tangent from the whole psyche.

Unknown Speaker 33:01

So, um, so my question to you is, how can you control what other people are thinking about

Unknown Speaker 33:09

you? I feel that if my narrative of how I feel about me, it would almost make it better, because I work with foster children. And one of them said to me the other day that if you think positive thoughts about yourself, other people think positive thoughts about you. She's 12 was like, Oh, my God. That's a good point.

Unknown Speaker 33:37

So if you if you loved your body, would it protect you from other people making judgments about it?

Unknown Speaker 33:46

I think they'd still make them but it wouldn't hurt as much. I think that, you know, it's, it's funny how I kind of tell people my past with my ex boyfriend, and then my current boyfriend, you know, I think you attract people when you're not in a good place. And I've had to cut a load of people out who I made the choice of having in my life, previous to therapy, and during the hard work on myself. And I found that I've made better choices where my head's been in a better place. So I'm hoping that the same will follow with my body. Once I feel better about it, what other people think about it really won't matter. Because my mum will say, No, you shouldn't care what people think. But it's also easier for somebody who is five foot two and a size 10. Ornate to say. So I've tried to explain to her that is not that easy. Because, you know, I was wearing a cop out today and I there was this one lady who kind of she kept looking over at me and I just want you to be like, what

Unknown Speaker 35:00

How can I help? What do you think that she could have been thinking?

Unknown Speaker 35:04

She might have thought, oh, like a hair, or, Oh, her earrings are cute. But I automatically just don't hear any of that. I think you're not thinking that because she was quite small and thinking, you're probably thinking, Oh, why she eating that sandwich and why she ate that brownie and just all in my head. And I said to my boyfriend, I know that I'm probably being really irrational. But that doesn't compute in my head.

Unknown Speaker 35:33

So what if she was thinking that what if she looked over and she was thinking, she looks horrible? Because she's fat? And she's eating a sandwich? How dare she?

Unknown Speaker 35:45

I think it's more of a reflection on her. And her sort of fears of maybe being in a bigger body. And I think that a lot of this does, because my mum would say stuff like that about big girls. And, you know, when people say stuff, I just think, is that because you're scared of it? You know, are you scared of being big? Because you know, you do always get these people that will go, I'm so jealous of your big boobs, and then yet, they're always on diets.

Unknown Speaker 36:25

Something doesn't compute. They're,

Unknown Speaker 36:27

like, I'm so jealous that you've got like an hourglass figure, and you've got a big butt. And I'm like, but yet you're trying to downsize everything. So where's the lie? You're just saying this, because it's like a, you know, when you say to kids like things to comfort them. But it kind of feels like that. It's almost like a pity thing when it comes to being bigger. The nice voice like, oh, yeah, yeah. Not my problem. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker 36:56

So what would imagine if you were super confident, or imagine if I was sat next to you, when this person looked at you, and we knew that that person was in their mind criticizing you and saying, Oh, you're horrible. You're disgusting. What would you or me? If you can't imagine that? think or say or do in that moment?

Unknown Speaker 37:20

No, it's really funny. I kind of draw a blank. I mean, you don't know what I think. I think that's the bit of brain that I need

Unknown Speaker 37:26

to develop. What would you think I would say?

Unknown Speaker 37:30

I think you will probably tell me to fuck them. And tell me that, you know, like, what I thought was equally as important. And I shouldn't be putting so much power to them on ruining my day, I feel. And I think that because we're all going on different journeys. And I think it is crazy that we give so much power to other people especially, she was literally probably similar. It's not even thought about me, since I've left that cafe, she's probably not even had a second thought about me. But in my head, it's almost it feels. You sort of make it so much worse in your head. You think I know what she was thinking like. And just because a few other people have made comments before. I think it's unfair of me to almost put her in the same category. But even if she did think that I shouldn't care as much as I do.

Unknown Speaker 38:31

Because it's not like that. She's gonna go home and be like, Oh my God, you never guess what? I saw someone eating a sandwich in a cafe today. Oh, it's so unbelievable. Can you believe it? Like the people in your life would be like, What the fuck? Why? Why is it interested in seeing a fat person eating a sandwich, like, get alive? And they say well also, like, weird or whatever? Yeah, we like we put this big thing on it like they have, you know, they've in their brain, they've deemed us acceptable or unacceptable. And we don't even know what they're thinking.

Unknown Speaker 39:08

And you've got this feeling that anything? Yeah, you got this whole like play going on in your head and you think it well, she's like this, and I said that and like, and, you know, and it's kind of a whole back and forth when actually, she might have been thinking something as innocent as like a wrappings or Oh, her boyfriend looks like he's annoyed. He wasn't annoyed. He was just annoyed that our food took so long to get there.

Unknown Speaker 39:35

Or she could have been scanning for the toilet because you have a massive turtle head or something like that.

Unknown Speaker 39:39

Exactly. Like all these options that I definitely didn't think about at the time.

Unknown Speaker 39:45

Yeah. And the like, the chances of us you ever knowing what she was actually thinking in that moment? It's like, pretty much zero right?

Unknown Speaker 39:55

Yeah, yeah. Cuz I I've never seen her before Darcy again. And it's because my mum always go, why don't you just try and think that they're thinking nice things? And sometimes, sure, but that doesn't really help me. Because I think at the moment, I haven't developed that confidence in sort of thinking it fully about myself. You know, I will try and sort of say about feeling good about myself. But that's not 100%. True. Yeah, even in the top 100 sort of category. It's not really at that yet. But I find that it's nice being in an environment where there's people that do get it and don't just say, I can imagine, because I've had people do that to me before. I had a doctor who was she was tiny, and it wasn't any shade against her. But she said, I can imagine what it's like to gain weight. And I just said to her, can you? Can you understand? And she was like, Well, I can imagine, I'm like, you know, people become absolute assholes to you. And suddenly drop hints about diets that you can try. Like, and also, you know, I had someone messaged me the other day asking me about keto, and I didn't feel comfortable. And I said to her as like, she went, Oh, what do you think? And I just said, I just don't do it. You know, it's not good. And for me, I was like, I'm trying to do this and sort of explained what I'm sort of doing with you. And she didn't say a lot. But you know, it's difficult, because, you know, I've listened to your podcast on talking to people about diets and stuff. And I have said, simply having a conversation the other day with somebody else, and they were talking about diets, and I went, Yeah, well, I'm not doing that stuff anymore. I'm just over it. Like, I enjoy carbs too much. And chocolate. So like, I'm kind of over that night doing diets. No, like, oh, yeah, me too. And I'm like, yeah. Are you sure? I found more peace in just kind of realizing that foods weren't off limits me just because I'm bigger.

Unknown Speaker 42:23

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So let's talk about this, you know, the belly thing again. Something you mentioned as well, at the beginning, that stuck in my mind is that you said something like my belly is and I think you said I'd know something like horrible or disgusting or unattractive, or whatever it is, my question to you is, is that truth that your belly is bad in whatever way?

Unknown Speaker 42:54

It's an opinion of my own. So it's not a fact. Other people might look at it and go, Yes, great. Or not at that point, my boyfriend. He's very complimentary, or just how I look. He's like, Hello, beautiful. Home. McQueen. Is very loving about it. But it's just one thing that it's because, you know, getting out of the shower, drying it. And I hate all that stuff. It's something that I've not always had. And you think back to the reference points of, you know, I was going through my phone today, I was trying to show my boyfriend a picture. And some old body photos came up of me just standing like, with my boobs out in pants on, like, delete. So I just got rid of them. Because I'm like, No, I'm not going to keep looking at them. Because it just, it's punishing me for that opinion.

Unknown Speaker 43:56

So how does it benefit you to have that opinion, when there is an alternative opinion?

Unknown Speaker 44:02

I think it kind of sets you up for failure. All the time. It kind of carrying it around with me is a heavy burden. You know, both? No, see, I always make jokes by it. To say both figuratively and literally, but, you know, it's not nice to do it to myself, because if I said it to a friend, oh my god, like I think about things that I've said by accident to friends about 10 years ago. And I think oh god, that's so cringy that I said that but I know that. I just wouldn't ever say the things that I've say about that. To anybody else. I kind of I started saying some other things out loud and thinking about saying it to a friend and how they would feel about the rest of my body. It's the stomach. That is something that I've still not got over it. Um,

Unknown Speaker 45:00

how did you get over? You know, because you didn't like your boobs before? So what did you do to get over that?

Unknown Speaker 45:08

Same thing is, I think I'm not fully over it. I think I'm just better dealing with it because I just more like, like, I'll say to people, oh, well, I have to fold them into my bra. And like, I'll probably make jokes. And that's my kind of go to to make myself feel better. But I think with my bra, bra situation, what I did was, give a week I was like, I'm gonna buy new bras, I'm gonna get rid of all the other ones that I was like, No, oh, they're like just ones that were just there to just keep them in place. I got nice ones. And I just invested in that for myself. Because I felt like that was something I should treat it nicely. No, I should protect it. And like, I shouldn't just put myself in things that didn't make me happy. And I found that was a good first step. Because I'm like, Oh, this looks nice. And it's kind of like how I was presenting them. And I do kind of look at them. And I'm not so anymore. Like, even though they don't look how I want them to look. And because I used to be very small. But that was also a lifetime ago. And I would choose how I am now in this body, compared to the unhappiness that I had when I was a size 10. And as with a complete ticket I kind of that's one thing that's helped. And also because he was so adamant that they were horrendous because they were sneaky boobs. I think that's been a good thing for me, because I'm like, Are you going to let someone like him? Someone who has got away with what he's got away with? Have that hold over you for the rest of your life? Like, no.

Unknown Speaker 46:55

And he did the same with your belly. Right? You know, he was pointed that out and stuff.

Unknown Speaker 46:59

Yeah. Which is I don't understand why I think it's because I find in the summer, it gets worse because I am hot all the time anyway. And with my stomach. It's something that gets, you know, like, I get sore, like Bay button. Which I don't know, I think it's big. And I you know, I treat it. But I think the stomach is just the last thing that my physical because mentally I think that's where a lot of the damages but also I know that I wouldn't because I wouldn't look at myself from anywhere from below my chin for such a long time. I didn't even know I couldn't even like pitch my body out of a lineup. I don't think because I just genuinely didn't know what it looked like.

Unknown Speaker 47:53

Do you think that there's any benefits to having your belly?

Unknown Speaker 48:00

I definitely think it protects me. Like, I think it I can't think of any off like Yeah, I can't think of anything that sort of strikes me that I think that that's a good purpose for it. I know that it helps protect my organs. But that's kind of one that I see a lot of people say. But I don't know for me what I think the purpose of it is because I can't when I was first gaining weight because my thyroid I've kind of not been able to kind of be kind to myself about it. That's the big thing.

Unknown Speaker 48:49

Do you think that your that it could symbolize anything? Like does it symbolize your you know, you you overcoming this struggle and this this struggle that you have to go through?

Unknown Speaker 49:03

Yeah, I think it definitely holds a lot of upset because you know, everything that happened i feel that i i can i Anything that makes me anxious, nervous anything, it goes to my stomach straightaway in my stomach, it takes a beating for it. And I think that how my stomach looks as well. Have people like had this little kid asked me the other month. It was really awkward me about and this kid asked me when my baby was due because I'm quite small at top and then my stomach goes out. And the parents just sat there and it was so effing awkward. Because there was six adults, so three couples, and there was three kids and it just went silent. I was like, Oh my God. And I literally felt like I was standing there naked. And I felt like almost that. I cried. We were driving back. And it was an hour long drive. And I just cried the entire way home just because I felt like, huh, he's just like, and the thing is, even though it's a kid, it still hurts. Because as well, also, I'm think there are probably, I've got some issues in that area of my body, because we want to have kids and I don't know if it's going to be that easy for me. So there's those things as well. So I think that kind of area of my body, I've got a lot of pressure on is just automatically hate it. Yeah, it's not good to carry that around with me. Because, you know, there are actual parts of my body where I'm like, Ah, like, I've been working on my weight training, and my arms are getting big. And I'm like, Yes, I love this. I'm getting strong. And I'm actually feeling muscles in my stomach. And I'm like, Oh, my God. And, you know, I'm like, feeling good in that way. But I think because it's held so much sadness, I guess. The, it's not good for me to carry it around.

Unknown Speaker 51:17

Yeah, you know, how, you know the word fat. And the reason why for activists have reclaimed that word is because it was so powerfully painful. And by reclaiming it and saying, actually, you know, what, we get to decide the meaning of it. It takes a power away and, and exactly like you say, still, it's very difficult for people to call themselves fat, or even like my business, a bit fierce, Fatty, a lot of people are like, Oh, God, no, I don't want to be associated with fatty. But when you decide actually, General, fat is just, it's just a neutral descriptor. And it doesn't mean that I'm bad or lazy, or whatever it is, society has has, has put on that thing. And it feels a no something, you know, you're talking about your belly, it feels kind of like similar, like, your belly is this representation of sad things, or bad things or all of that type of stuff. And so is there a way for you to reclaim your belly and turn it into something that is neutral, or turn it into something that is a positive thing, or a really cool thing about you that, you know, that there's something unique about you and, and like a hard one part of your body? That you you know, because you didn't always have have this belly, and you went through some shit to get it? And to, you know, to begin with, it was very hard. But is there a way for you to get to a point where you're like, Do you know what it's really represents? What a motherfucking badass I am, because I overcame so much shit. And now I think it's fine. I think it's okay. Or I think it's good.

Unknown Speaker 53:11

Yeah, I do think that'd be, you know, that's kind of what I'm hoping that I can gain from doing this. Because I think I want to look at what I've achieved, because people always know my mom, she'll say, oh, it's amazing. You should always send me a little card saying like, remember what you've come through. And, and sometimes I'm like, oh, yeah, but it's fine. Like I just had to deny and she thought you didn't have to, because I did have a full exit plan. And you know, I don't mind saying that, but I did. But now I because I chose to survive. So I do need to be kind of to it because all parts of me survived it. Because it always feels like I'm just picking on this one thing. It's like that one person you just have a real beef with and you don't know why. Like, it just feels like that that I'm just really just been a cow to her like just being mean to her and she didn't deserve it learning because she got me through a lot of things and you know, it, I wouldn't be the same person without it. Because it has challenged me and it has taught me to try and just be happier with myself. And you know, the thing is I'm trying to work like I wear lots of high waisted trousers with like crop tops. And I do that sort of thing. And I'm very comfortable with the cooktop side of things but I'm trying to almost it's like exposure therapy for myself. Because I used to. I used to wear high waisted jeans and a long time but now I'm like new like I am hot and it's nice to get that breeze under their skin through on my laptop so I will wear them Is your high waisted trousers but, and it does accentuate my stomach, but I'm just kind of like, know what if something's on pregnant? Fine, but like, I know, I think it's difficult because there's always those questions about fertility in your mind. Like, for me, I know that it's always been something that I've desperately wanted. So I've put a lot of pressure on myself to, for it to happen. And sometimes I think, probably the fact that it hasn't happened yet, for me, I think is probably just a sign that I've probably got a few more things to do beforehand. I'm trying to see as that, that, you know, because I don't want to bring up a child to be around me. And then think that how I think about myself is normal. You know? Cuz I've said, My mom, she would use the Benji and I just don't think that's a, I would say, it affects way it did affect me, because I think I saw it, because I then picked it up when I was older. And I'd sneak food in when I was younger. When I was a teen, and I think that, you know, I just want to try and be the best version of myself in life on my stomach. I just need to stop being a bully to it. Because I advocate for the little guy in me being mean to my stomach is kind of just been a massive hypocrite.

Unknown Speaker 56:24

I've been mean to that. Cue, Tommy of yours and your mealtime. He's like, Oh, hello, I'm just here hanging out. And you're just like, fuck you. I hate you. And he's like, No, yeah, yeah. So. So we're coming to the end of our time together now. So what would you say? From our conversation? We've been chatting for an hour or so? Is there anything that's standing out for you anything that's that's that's hit a chord or any breakthroughs or aha moments.

Unknown Speaker 56:54

I definitely think that it probably sounds like I've got quite a lot of myself together, which is kind of my go to. But I think that when I actually really delve into how I see myself, that is something that comes along with a lot of sadness, which I think because I'm not gonna lie, I still to this day, think that it was kind of my fault. What happened to me with my ex because I was there. I didn't stop it. I did try the first couple of times. But then I just realized that it was kind of futile. They kept going back to his house because we didn't live together. So I kind of think that I need to kind of work on that bit of sadness that I'm sort of carrying. And I think it's almost like personified in my stomach because I just hate it. And I actually saw not that long ago, the guy. And he tried to talk to me. Yeah. And he's like, hello, hi. Hi. Hello. And I just went just block off, ran off crying. And he would never say that. That's what happened. But I remember saying to him one time that you know, that it was and he would say, Oh, well it's not very few in a relationship because I've practically consent about you. So yeah, I do think that from this just Chiron is nice to sort of think of kind of what I'm doing to my stomach because I keep trying to push it out of the way. I'm like, Oh, I don't have a problem with it. But no, I do. And I know that it isn't doing me any favors feeling that way. So I'm kind of my goal for this party. I think that the academy that I feel like should really relate to something to do with my stomach. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker 59:12

So what do you would you wear something that actually exposes your stomach? Like I don't know, a bikini or a bikini or swimsuit with a cutout? Or I don't know. Something like that. That literally was sick. When I was a kid, and it made me feel sick, then that might be a good clue.

Unknown Speaker 59:29

Yeah, yeah. Because that's the thing because I've just never thought cuz I remember someone saying to me once the oh, you should wear bikini because you haven't got that body shape. Fuck off. Yeah. Like, and I've always wanted to do one of those boudoir photos

Unknown Speaker 59:48

as well. You don't actually have to wear outside. You can just wear it in your bedroom. That's true. Just wear it in front of your boyfriend. Yeah. And if that's like still a little bit scary, but it's is doable, then that might be a really good goal.

Unknown Speaker 1:00:02

Yeah. And then, yeah, that would be quite a good one actually.

Unknown Speaker 1:00:06

Yeah, think about other things, see how it feels and how it sits with you. But I just want to recognize that, you know, it's only been a few years since you got out of an abusive relationship. And you said, Did you say you're 28 or 2928 28. So, for 28 years, you've lived in a society that tells you that your body has to look a certain way. And so you've been working on this stuff for a small portion of your life. And so to get to where you are now, after having only relatively recently, even though it has years, left that relationship, and then also to work on that stuff, and then also to work on the body image stuff and food stuff. Holy shit, that is amazing, really massive kudos because it's the same journey that I've gone through. And I was with my ex, for two years work from the age of 17 to 19. Now I'm 35, turning 36 In six days, and I'm still working on this stuff. And so you did it way quicker than I did. So. Yeah. You're amazing, basically. Thank you. Yeah. And thank you for being here and, and sharing what is going on with your gorgeous brain because I know a lot of people are in the exact same boat and have the exact same fears. And actually, people the number one struggle in regards to things on their body that people don't like is barely is the belly. And so you're you're not alone. You're in good company. A lot of a lot of fat people really struggle with their belly, so, yeah, so thank you, Bethan. Thank you. Okay, so that is the live coaching with Bethan. If you want more juicy stuff, and you haven't already, make sure you get my fierce fatty body love roadmap, which has the steps to take to get to a place of body love and also the mistakes that everyone makes on this journey of body love and how you can avoid them. So check out the link in the bio in the bio in the blog buddy group in the blogging group underneath the show notes. And if you want to go straight to the show notes for this episode, then its face value.com forward slash 043 for episode 43 All right, well, I will bid you adieu and I will see you later crocodile in a while Allah gates goodbye.