Episode 85 Transcript

Read transcript alongside audio.

Welcome to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm your host, Victoria Welsby and this is episode 85. Today, we're talking about I'm non-binary: How unlearning fatphobia got me here.

I'm Victoria Welsby TEDx speaker, Best Selling Author and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self esteem to being a courageous and confident fifth party who loves every inch of this jelly. society teaches us living in a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed? Or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century? So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the first fatty podcast Let's begin.

1:18

Hello, fatties. How's life? How are you we write summarize. You're right. All right. I know you're missing a week of a podcast. I know. It's terrible. Terrible. I took a week off. I took a week off. And I did something that I don't normally do, which is take a week off. And also, I normally make sure that the I've recorded two episodes in one week. And I thought you know what? No, I'm going to model the idea of not having to be uber productive all the time. Like, are we on episode 85? And how many since I started, how many weeks? Have I not recorded an episode? Like hardly any? Hardly any? So? Yeah. So there we go. That's me modeling some, some not expecting to be a machine type behavior. So um, yeah.

So I had a week off, got some books out from the line room. I was. It just, it didn't even occur. It's not occurred to me in my life up until recently that there are library libraries. And I was like, oh, I want to get this book. But I don't want to like have to pay for it. Because I just want to skim it, you know, because I just want to have a look at few things. And then my brain was like, Victoria, what about the thing called a library? And I was like, fucking hell brain. Amazing. And so for the last six months, I've been buying books, because I don't like because I'm, I don't like clutter, right? So I don't like having things too many things. And so books is one of those like I like visually is it looks great. I think it looks great to have like lots of different books and them color coded and all that stuff, but I just I'm not I don't want it. I just don't want it because it just makes my brain Phil Lou. Yeah, so I've been getting books out from the library.

So this this time I got some books. I thought you know what, I'll tell you what I got. Might be some reading in there that you like, a little bit of everything. So, okay, let me see. Let me see. What did I get? First one I got is called Khilafat by Natalie baru, Bo, Berry, Berry, Ro Bo II. And it's called Khilafat media medicine and the morals in the quote unquote, obesity epidemic. And I've already got so many different bookmarks in good stuff. There's one quote here that I've written that I'm gonna put I'm gonna put it on Instagram. No diets don't fail because people fail at them and lack willpower, they fail because the product is faulty. And I've got here the history of the diet industry. And I was gonna make a graphic out of that. And so I'm going to need some more information. Versus and that's just in this book, because I know there's, there's, there's things that are that I'd want to put in there that might be missing. But basically 1830 Reverend Sylvester Graham and John Harvey Kellogg started off, you know, with the temperance, you know, the temperance movement movement of, of, oh, let's be godly. Don't let's not have food which has any taste. That's not bad. masturbate it's not have any fun and then we'll be good people.

Yeah, obviously the ideas behind dieting started before that, but that's when things kicked off with like formal formal ideas about what you shouldn't uni. So that's the first one. The next one is Kimberly dark, fat pretty and soon to be dead I don't Kimberly dark doesn't get enough love in the fat positive community and talking about being old I think is really important. have not started that one. Yep. Next is an rule of Stranger bus side me. This is not anything to do with fat positivity or anything. The shocking inside story of serial killer Ted Bundy. I'm not really interested in Ted Bundy, but I was looking at like good books to read. And it said that this was a good book. And so I thought, start reading it. And I started reading this one I'm already like, and six of the way through in a couple of days because it's good.

6:05

So next one I got is called stolen lives. 20 years in a desert jail by Metallica with care. And so basically, this person spent 20 years in a desert Joe, and that story. Next I got memory palace by Mira Bartok. And I actually started reading this verse, I got about a third of the way through, and I stopped reading it because I didn't like it. Just because it wasn't, wasn't entertaining enough. It's not a page turner for me, but it's on like loads of different lists of like great books. It's a story about it's a memoir, and it's about a woman who stopped contact with her mother. And her mother has a mental illness. I can't remember which one. And that's the reason because the her her that she couldn't get her into, into into treatment or whatever. Schizophrenia. Yeah. Anyway, so I thought, well, yeah, that sounds really good. But then it's a lot about plants and shit. And I don't even know, I don't know anything about plants and bushes and names of things like that. And so it's very hard for me to visualize when it's like, oh, well, I was in my garden as a kid and there was a elm tree. And I'm like, don't don't know. Don't know.

Finally, that's all I got is the yellow house by Sarah M. Broom. And this is a memoir about growing up in a house and growing up in East New Orleans and Hurricane Katrina destroying the family home. So yeah, some of them I started reading some of them not. So yeah, some book recommendations. And here's another recommendation for you. This is gonna, this is gonna make you happy. So I miss I miss I miss. I've been back in Canada now for six months. I miss British TV, and go in there and like seeing things and starting series, and then come back. And I'm like, oh, and then my sister's was like, oh, you should watch this thing is really good. Like, she texts me saying, oh, you should watch there's a series called time it's like three episodes is really good about two people in a prison officer and a prisoner as an ally. And I can never see I can never find it anywhere.

And so I did some research and I found a, a VPN. And it's called we VPN, I'll link it in the shownotes. And it costs like maybe seven bucks a month. And you can choose what location that your computer says it's it's streaming from and so then you can go to something like BBC iPlayer. And it will, it will show that you're in the UK and then so you can watch the shows for free. Because you just need to be in the UK to be able to watch BBC iPlayer and I presume the other channels I guess I hadn't even thought about that. And it was no it was saying like things like you'd have to pay for this but American things like HBO so if you're not an American, or if you go to netflix, you can change your your location with this we VPN and so you can find like British things, because you know, we all know British media is the best Americans probably the best. You can change to whatever country and see what's going on over there because so many times when I was in the UK when I was in Ireland, there were so many things that was on

9:45

on Netflix that I was watching and then I came back over and I lost it because the Canadian Netflix didn't have it so rude. Yeah, so it's called we VPN and I did some research and then we found this like spreadsheet of all of this like it From a, you know, nerdy person who was like, Oh, I'm gonna write all the VPN is and give them stars and shit like that. And so we VPN isn't the very best, because you don't actually need it just for streaming. But it's like one of the best like, it's like number two best VPNs out there, which out which is not like scammy and is affordable and blah, blah. Yeah, far. I watch time on BBC iPlayer. And also because it's It's pride month, I watched a change of sex. So a change is so interesting.

Okay, so the BBC made this documentary and it spans 20 years, the BBC have done a few of these where it spanned general generations. Anyway, following someone called Julia ground, and Julia was the first transgender person to have a film made about her. Her transition from being so she is, well she died recently made male to female transgender person and going through the surgeries and the aftermath of this of her gender, confirming surgeries. And so the first installment, there's five hours of elf episodes, the first installment is is George, I think it starts that first one is called George, and you meet George, who is Julia before the surgeries. And so we get to see the her daily life and all that type of stuff, and then moving through that, and, and it's set in 1979. It's real. It's a documentary, right? And I'm just like, flabbergasted at two things. How, how much of a trailblazer, Julia was, I mean, it's hard to do to be trans. In 2021, nevermind 1979. And obviously, there was trans people before that, as well. And to have it on TV, and those pictures of her naked on TV too. So So, so exposing, and also flabbergasted by the doctor. They're one of the psychologist so she had to see a psychologist for a year. And live as a woman for a year. And this psychologist was a complete piece of shit, like horrid human being. And the way that the psychologist talked to Julia was. And I was like a Google to afterwards I was like, Who is this? Who is this person? And then, apparently, the character, the character of that psychologist was so out there that someone has made based based a character in some comedy thing on them, because the doctor was so awful. And I just think, oh, oh, and it's not you know, how much better is it nowadays? Probably not much.

Anyway, so that was really interesting. And then I watched Jamie drag queen at 16. And it was about this, like this British boy who decided he was going to he was out as gay, but he wasn't out as a drag queen. And he felt a lot of shame about this. And so he was decided he was going to go to his high school prom, dressed in drag, and the story of that and it's just so if I can feel good, it's documentary it now it's been made into a musical and a film. The story was that kind of heartwarming. And there's a scene in there. If you go watch it, you'll know the scene. But they have some sort of upset and the family friend comes around and she says, really boils my piss and her round is really funny. So a good So some tips for you there to get some free stuff in your life. The library VPN, I guess you have to pay for the VPN? Yeah, but hey, listen, I made a mistake. I want to I want to tell you about it. I made a big mistake in my life. And it's because I forgot, I forgot I forgot about this. And so I want to tell you about it. So if you have forgotten or you've never experienced this, you don't make the same mistake that I did. So my mistake was that I shaved my asshole

14:29

it's I haven't done that in so long. And I don't know what possessed me. Why? What the fuck my brain was thinking. Because I know what happens is is a day or two later when the hair from your bumhole starts going back in. It's really, really fucking actually. So itchy. It's the worst thing this ever happened to me in my life. And I had forgotten like, I don't know if I had forgotten if I blogged it out and why the fuck I decided I needed to shave my asshole. Ain't no one's in my car. So no one is no one is I'm not even seeing my asshole. So why the fuck did I feel the need to shave it? And I'm generally not that hairy anyway.

And so why, like, Why did I need to shave the 17 hairs that are in my bum cheek? Like, why did I do this? And you know, the day later, I was like, fuck, why did why I regret this. I need to share this as a PSA. So other people don't go through the same thing. I don't know, I've never I don't know, if waxing your arms hole has the same effect. I presume it doesn't because I'm presumed that the hairs that emerge after the waxing will be more gentle. Whereas with the shaving, they're kind of cut off and they're like Spears digging into the other side of your asshole. So yeah, if you were thinking about it, or if you've never done it before, and you forgot that it causes an itchy bumhole then here's my reminder. And if you thinking about doing it, just don't just it's gonna be fine. You bumhole is fine as it is, and maybe if you want to wax it, maybe. But, or maybe this isn't me, or maybe this is a unique experience to me. Maybe I'm sharing this right now when people are like, I shaved my asshole every single day. And it's fine. I'm a, you know, asshole shaving fanatic, and I've never had any problems. And so maybe that's maybe that's actually the reality of of this.

And so actually, I'm changing my stance go out, do what you want with your asshole. I'm not the boss of you, or your bumhole. End of PSA. So this episode is about me coming out as non binary. So why shared? Yes, I came out yesterday. And I shared a post on the Instagrams on the internet. And this is what it said, Oh, hey, I'm super excited to share an update about my gender. I am non binary, my pronouns are they them? Thank you to all the wonderful humans who have helped me understand this part of my identity and to all the members of the LGBTQIA plus community who have paved the way so that people like me can be our authentic selves, I owe you everything. What does non binary mean? In case you're not familiar with the term this is what Wikipedia says? non binary or genderqueer is an umbrella term for gender identity identities that are neither male nor female identities that are outside the gender binary. What does non binary mean to me, I don't identify with the idea of being a woman, it makes me feel bla instead, I identify as being something else something non definable. I said to my therapist, that I feel like my gender is like, quote, the stars, not anything I can explain right now. How did I get here? Through a learning fatphobia, I realized that I felt like I had to be a quote, perfect woman to, quote, make up for the fact that I am fat. I know a lot of you can identify with that feeling.

Through years of examining why I'm doing things or believing things or acting in certain ways, I was able to remove all the unhelpful beliefs and see what I really wanted. Not what I thought I should be to please others. It feels great. So

18:43

yeah, that's that. Let me talk a little bit more about gender. And I'm not an expert. So I'm going to read from someone who is an expert. So this is a piece that appears on healthline.com by Miss Abrams, who is a researcher, writer, educator, consultant, and licensed clinical social worker, you can find them on their Instagram, Instagram, which is m e, r, e, t, h, e, i, r, Meir, there, or Mary. I'm thinking it's mir. I'll link in the show notes to the Instagram and to this article, but I want to read some things from it in case any of these things are new concepts to you. And even if not, there's, there's always more to learn right? Okay.

So this article is called What does it mean to identify as non binary? So what is non binary? The term non binary can mean different things to different people. And it's cool it's used to describe someone whose gender identity isn't exclusively male or female. If someone tells you that non binary it's always important to ask what being non binary means to them. Some people who are non binary experienced that gender is both male and female, and others experience that gender is neither neither male nor female. non binary can be used as an umbrella term encompassing many genders that don't fit into the male female binary.

Although non binary is often regarded as a new idea, the identifier has been around for as long as civilization has in fact, non binary gender has been recorded as far back as 400 BC to 200 ad. When hedgerows, people in India who identified as as beyond male or female, are referenced in ancient ancient Hindu texts. India is one of the many countries around the world with language and social culture that acknowledges those one those whose gender can't be exclusively categorized as male or female. Next title here is do you have to be transgender to identify as non binary, non binary gender has to do with someone who knows themselves to be some non binary people identify as transgender while others do not. This may sound confusing, but when laid out is actually very simple. A trans non binary person is someone who doesn't identify with the sex that was assigned at birth, trans, and so has a gender identity that can't be categorized exclusively as male or female, non binary, a non binary person who doesn't identify as trans may partially identify with the sex assigned at birth, as well as have a gender identity that can that can't be categorized as strictly male or female. So, you know, this is me talking and not the article. So I would be a trans non binary person, because what trans means is that you don't identify with the gender that you were assigned at. Its assigned with at birth, so I was assigned that gender woman, I don't identify with that.

Therefore, it falls under the trans umbrella. Under the trans umbrella, you can have lots of different terms, we're gonna talk about that in a second. I don't necessarily identify as trans I, I feel like non binary or, or genderqueer would be a good descriptor for me, but there's no right or wrong, right. Okay, so I'm just skipping over a couple of sections here, but let's go to non binary gender gender identities. There are a number of gender identities that fall under the non binary umbrella. This includes identifiers like gender queer, age, gender, gender fluid, fluid, androgynous boy boi by gender multigene gender, Demi gender is another umbrella term for non binary gender identities. In many cases, Demi gender is used when someone feels a partial connect and connection to a certain gender for example, Demi girl, Demi boy or Demi fluid. The although there are definitions available for each of these terms, many overlap or have nuance differences. The mean meaning can also vary greatly across cultures and geographic regions. That's why it's imperative to ask the person using the identifier about what it means to them. All right, so

23:01

now non binary pronouns continuing, we live in a world where nearly everywhere a person goes, they're gendered. It's all too common for groups of people to be referred as ladies and gentlemen, or guys and gals, when the person speaking has no real knowledge about the gender identities of those they're referring to. For many non binary people, pronouns are more than just how they want to be addressed, they've become a powerful way to assert an aspect of their gender that's often unseen or aligned with others assumptions. Because of this pronouns have the power to either affirm or invalidate a non binary person existence.

Some non binary people use binary pronouns such as she her, her, hers or he him his other use gender neutral pronouns such as they then there's z here his or Ziza Z's as though these are the most common gender neutral pronouns, there are others and then we've got some ideas here about some gender neutral terms. Instead of saying Boys Girls, man, women or men, women use person, people or humans. Instead of ladies and gentlemen, use folks folks, instead of daughter or son use child incentive sister or brother, you sibling instead of niece and nephew use nibbling instead of mother and father use parent husband and wife use partner or spouse, grandmother and grandfather use grandparent the gender neutral word for aunt or uncle is pebbling. So, so nibbling is nice on nephew on uncle is pebbling with a p p IB. l ing so its parents sibling. And then there's more resources in this article. This article is really good. So there's kind of like an overview of non binary. So for me, coming to this identity Started with unlearning fatphobia. And the idea that because I was fat phobic, I believe that being fat was a bad thing. I felt like I had to be hyper feminine. And the your gender expression.

So whether you're feminine or masculine or or androgynous, that's not what gender is. But it's connected and kind of tied in not always, but as you can see with with, with topics, it's kind of like can be very nuanced. Anyway, so I felt like it had to be feminine, which included being a woman. And yeah, being feminine doesn't mean that you're a woman, but I felt like it that I had to be the best, sexiest Goldstar A plus binary woman, like no doubt about it, this is a hyper feminine woman. Right? I had long hair and I would wear when I when I went to work, I would always wear dresses and high heels. Or even if and again, this is not gender of the way that you express. Express yourself. But the idea that I had to, you know, even I would be wearing like high heels and dresses, even if I was like trouncing through like going on long walks and trouncing through mud and shit like that, like, because I want it to make up for this terrible flaw that ice perceived, which was fatness, and so I couldn't not be the best woman. Because then that would be another reason why I was not attractive to men. Hmm, I wanted men to be like, Oh, well, she's fat. But waist. She's like, got long, curly hair and makeup and high heels and dresses and Nadella all that type of ship. So learning that fatphobia helped me start questioning things of why is it that I'm doing this or wearing this or saying this or behaving like this? Is it because I just like it? Which is a little bit of a case. Yes. So for example, you know, wearing lipstick I love Okay, better lipstick and lipstick is not again, that's not what gender is. But how I express myself. Is that something that I find joy? Or is it is it I'm doing it? Because I want men to think oh, yeah, she's hot, you know?

27:40

So I started exploring these ideas. And I I kind of came to the conclusion that something was off, like something wasn't clicking or wasn't right. And so I thought, well, maybe I'm pansexual. So pansexual is, Wikipedia says not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity. So back pansexual is basically you you want to date or have sex with or are attracted to any gender. So it's kind of acknowledging that there are more than two genders. Or it could be also seen as as bisexual. That could be another word. So it was like, Maybe I'm pansexual. And so I started making my preference on on dating apps to be men and women. And then when I would see feminine, you know, people come up, I'd be like, No, that's not what it is. No, it's not what that's not what it is. And so I couldn't put my finger on it. I was like, it's not it's not that I'm pansexual although, I don't know if I'm not pansy pansexual I think I'm attracted to masculine people. I don't really care what genitals someone has.

So, you know, I probably am pansexual but that, you know, that's exploring that's more exploring for another time. Anyway, so being in Ireland there were there was a lot of gendered language that we are that I would see from official sources. And so whenever like, if you got a letter from the bank, it would say Ms. or Mr. And when they would always drive I didn't I didn't didn't address you as Miss Victoria. They would just it'll be dear sir. Slash madam. Fuck off. Rude. Anyway, and so whenever I got a letter, and it said, Miss or MS on it, I was like, Oh, gross. And I thought always because the reason why I don't like that is because I don't like the fact that they presumed my gender. And I don't like the fact that they are putting a gender on there. Like, why are they doing that? And so I thought that that's what it was, but that it wasn't that. And it was that too, but it was that and something else. So I kept on thinking about it. So this is like maybe a year, probably more. A couple of years. Yeah. Yeah, it's a couple of years, 20 years of me thinking about it. So in January this year, so January was six months ago, I had a business meeting. And at the end, the host of the meeting said to me and the other person in the meeting, bye, ladies, and you know, signed off. And as I looked at my computer screen, and you know, we signed out of that Zoom meeting, and that that Bye, ladies ring in my ringing in my ears, and I was just like, oh, it just just felt bad and yuck. And like, it would be like, if someone said, oh, you know, say if Mary was in the meeting with me, if they said, by Mary, and by Graham, and I know, I'd be like, Well, my name is not Graham. Well, you know, it's like that, but more, but not that just that you got your name wrong, but just, and this person knows me, right? So they know. Then the thought of them perceiving me as a woman.

And, and I've known this person for a few years, but the thought of them perceive me as a woman I was like. And I started noticing whenever anyone said, anything kind of perceiving me as a woman, it just really didn't feel good. And I noticed the more and more that I that I haven't had a boyfriend, a partner, the more that I felt free to dress more masculine. And so for the last couple of years, I've been wearing a lot of trousers and jeans and tops. And obviously, I shaved my head and things like that. And it just felt more aligned with who I am. And the thought of getting a sis male partner. The idea of that making me feel anxious about having to perform as a woman perform as this idea of

32:04

of before being something that I'm not. So I did lots of research, I spoke to Megan Kimberling, who is a fat, gender fluid person who I went to LA once and we hooked up. And we've done a couple of things together. And so I had a couple of hour long conversation with with Meg and Meg was saying, this is how I feel. And I was just like, yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh, my God. And then I did a lot of trying things out. So I started quietly, trying things out to see how they felt. So maybe three months ago, I changed my pronouns on Instagram to be she hers to feel see how that felt like, What did that feel like? It was aligned with how I was feeling about my gender. I put that on my email signature too. And I was asking for gender neutral words to be used about me in different settings. So you know, instead of someone saying, Oh, hey girl, or your boss, babe, or something like that, I was asking for gender neutral words to be used about me.

And then I quietly came out to low stake people, so people who didn't know me. So I would just kind of just drop it into conversation of, you know, I'd be like, oh, and I'm a non binary person, to see how that felt. And I did this other thing called pronoun dressing room. This is really cool. So it's this website, it's called pronouns dot failed slacker.com. I'll link to it in the show notes. And so you, you pick your pronouns, and so there's like a box here and it says, put your name in, and then you choose the subjective word that you'd like. So we pet the dog or she pet the dog or they pet the dog. So you put in subjective objective. So I put subjective they objective them. Possessive determiner. So an adjective that shows possession example, their eyes are brown, I put their possessive pronoun something that belongs to something. So that chair is hers. So I put this reflective and so reflective indicates that the verb acts on the subject. So take care of yourself. So I put them themselves and type of person, you can say, boy, girl, and I put person or human. And so then you click the try it on, and then it comes up with different text.

And so here's a generic text that comes up with so Hello, today I met a person who goes by Victoria. And so it's like plugging in what you've written. They they have a wonderful personality. That smile of theirs really makes me happy. I could talk to them all day. They don't talk about themselves much I wonder if their day has been wonderful. I hope so. And then you can read different stories that has you as the protagonist. So like Adventures in Wonderland, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, and it tells you like, content mornings have mentioned a food mentioned of bees mention of ableist language. And so if we look at Wizard of Oz, it's like a little snippet when Victoria woke, the sun was shining through the trees and Toto had long had been had long been out chasing birds and squirrels around him. They sat up and looked around. There was a scarecrow standing patiently in his corner waiting for Victoria, we must go and search for water. They said to him, why do you want water? He asked to wash my face. So it goes on, right? And so when you're like, the center of the story, and so then if you hear that she or her or they and like how does that feel to you? And so reading it, as they and then I put it as she and then when I read the sheet, I was like, it's really hard to describe like that feeling of it, it's just hard to put, I guess, is if if someone misgendered you in any way, like if someone was like, Oh, look at that dude over there. And they were referring to me like that, look at that man walking down the street, you'd be like, you might think it was funny.

But then, if Jen, people genuinely thought that you were the gender that you weren't, it would be that that feeling of, you know, or this is not right, you know, it's not right, or, you know, so. So I then brought up like, the fears and doubts to my with my therapist, because I had lots of fears and doubts. I was just like, just let's just forget about it. It's not like a big deal about let's just keep it the secret. Like, it's not a big deal.

36:45

And my my face, so these are like my fears that if I tell people how I feel, then I'm going to be a troublemaker, that I was like, Well, I don't want to be a troublemaker. And I'll just be expecting special treatment and causing a nuisance. And I also had a fear of, well, I don't have gender dysphoria, therefore, it doesn't count. So gender dysphoria, in case you're unfamiliar with that term psychiatry.org says, gender dysphoria a concept designated in the DSM five as clinically significant distress or impairment related to a strong desire to be of another gender, which may include desire to change primary or secondary sex characteristics. Not all transgender or gender diverse people experience dysphoria. Another affair is I don't want to annoy people. And so I was like, I just don't, I don't want to be a nuisance, I don't want people to have to offer feel like they have to offer me special treatment, or I just don't, I just want to stay small, basically.

And all of these fears come down to not wanting to step into who I am, and take up space. And set boundaries, which is all of this work that we're doing with fatphobia is the same stuff of not wanting to take up too much space literally and metaphorically. And, and figuratively. And not wanting to, you know, be a nuisance or stand up to people or, you know, set boundaries with love. And because for whatever reason you feel like it's too much. It's You're too much. I'm too much, you know? And yeah, now. So yeah, yeah, yeah. So I spoke about my therapist, spoke to my therapist about that type of stuff. And, and they every night, I'll be going and, you know, asking you asking me questions of like, if someone else was said that they were non binary, would you feel like they were a nuisance? And I'd like to know, would you feel like they were expecting special treatment? And I was like, Well, it's pretty basic stuff of your gender. So no. Would you think that they were a troublemaker? No, I would feel like they were, you know, very generously sharing a part of who they are, which is potentially scary and, and that they trust me with that, and I think it would be a good thing. And so then why does that not also apply to me? Oh, it does apply to me. You know, it's okay that I'm non binary and it's okay to tell people as well. So I officially came out to the public yesterday, I came out like last week to my family and friends. And so I've only got like a week's worth of data. motion on this, but I have feelings about like the good and bad about coming out. And so I wanted to share those. And so the good, some of the good is I liked it when people celebrated me and they were like, congratulations.

And this is a good thing and told me that they loved me and thought it was cool and whatever. So I like that I liked being welcomed into the non binary community. So you might see non binary, C, written as, and B for non binary or ENB, y, which is NB written or written out. So NB, so being welcomed into into the MB community and feeling belonging there. I didn't like it when people said, it's gonna be so hard to remember to be gender neutral now. Because I didn't like that, because that was kind of prodding at my, oh, I'm a troublemaker, I'm an I'm a nuisance. I'm asking for special treatment. And so when someone said, it's going to be so hard, I know they're talking about themselves. And that they're, they're saying,

41:10

it's going to be hard. Because it probably will be somewhat difficult to change how you view someone and change your language. And I feel like it's a bit of, you know, I'm gonna try my best, but know that I'm a human being, and I will probably fuck up. And so I'm kind of planting the seed that I might fuck up. And that doesn't mean that I don't respect you. But kind of like comes across to me of my brain is saying, Oh, they just think that you're so you're so annoying and a troublemaker. So I didn't really like that. I didn't like when one of my family members said, I don't care. I don't want to know more about it. I'm too old for this. But you can do what you want. I don't care. And then we're saying as I don't care as in, it doesn't make a difference about how I feel about you. But it was kind of it kind of made me left me feeling like they don't care about me, or they don't think that I'm important. And then that's not the reality. I don't think that's that's the truth. And so when I said also, because you know, they're an older person, I said, Do you want to do you want me to send you any information on it? Because they're like, they don't they don't understand. They said, I don't understand what this means.

And so I said, you know, I explained it, and I said, You want me to send you like a nice, easy article to read. And they said, No, I'm not interested. And so that kind of left me just not feeling good about it like yeah, and they didn't say like, I don't care, like shop. But a part of my brain heard like, I don't care Shut up, go away, you're not important. And I know, I totally understand how this person is saying I don't care because I love you regardless. But the I don't care kind of came across differently in my brain. And you know, my brain is still I'm still, this is brand new to me, right? This, this, this. And it's brand new to other people. So I'm probably a lot more delicate or sensitive about things and as I continue being who I am, then I will probably hit differently, right. So now a day later after, after kind of telling everyone on social media, I feel unrestricted, I feel like my worries about how people perceive me and what I am feel like they're dissolving away. And specifically what sis men think about me, I'm not a woman. So why do you why do you expect me to be a woman and I think that was a big thing for me of of wanting to to be a woman for sis men so that they could consume me and and it was it felt really even if you are a woman and identify as a woman that would feel like anyway, but then it's like putting on this act of if that's not really who I am. So a little a little tip for a little tip something because I've been working on using removing gendered language for the last couple of years. And it's a process right if you if you have used a lot of gendered language and some people more than more than others. You have to unlearn it, right. And so, a little thing that I have been doing is never presuming someone's gender.

So even if they look like a woman or they look like a man, actually really we don't know because being non binary doesn't have a look right being non binary doesn't mean someone is androgynous be you someone could be non binary and be hyper feminine. So, so whenever I'm describing someone, so I got my haircut a couple of weeks. Oh my god, did you see the images of my haircut on? On Instagram? I shared them and I look like a fucking clown. Anyway, if you missed them, I'm sorry. They were, I'll put a picture in the show notes. I got anyway, so whenever I talk about my hairdresser, for example, I would say them there, they, you know, my hairdresser, they they did this and they did that. Why have I got such bad luck with haircuts? How have I got so many bad stories with haircuts, I got I asked them to curl my hair. And in the image that it was like, very kind of loose, wavy. And instead I got like this really high tight, not tight, but very stiff, kind of tight permie type my login anyway, with a middle parting. I didn't take a picture of the middle parting, but that was like, I had half a block to walk home. And so I was like, Oh, God, it's so bad. What is going on? Anyway,

46:10

so so so referring to people in everyone unless you know what their gender is. And they their pronouns are, specifically what their pronouns are, just refer to everyone as them, or there's, you know, like, Oh, my teacher, they want this, you know, as your teacher said that they're a man or woman or non binary or whatever. And just try and make that a habit. Because it's kind of like a low stakes thing to, to practice. And you know, that article, I'll link it in the show notes, different ideas of how to address people. So instead of saying, you know, men and women just say, like, humans, folks, my go to is folks. And your greeting a lot of people say, Hey, guys, and some people are like, Well, when I say, Hey, guys, I don't mean guys. I mean, everyone will got guys mean means men, right? That's what it means. Right? Guys means man. And so if you're like, Well, I when I say guys, I say I mean, everyone will think about it, if say if you use Hey guys, and say you're a guy, you're a man, and you have a woman as a girlfriend. And so if I went and said, hey, you know that dude that you're dating, you know that man you're dating, you know, that guy that you're dating? Jessica, you know, that guy that you're dating Jessica? You'd be like, Oh, no, just because a woman, then Oh, also guy is is gendered. So guy is gendered. All like, would you say, Oh, my God, look at that sexy guy walking down the street. And then, you know, you pointed them out. And it was someone who appeared to be a woman, the person would be like, do you mean that woman? Because guy is gendered. Right? And a lot of times in spaces where there's a lot of women, I see a lot of people saying, Hey, ladies, Hey, gals, and things like that. And I'm just like, oh, just makes me it just makes me as a non binary person feel like they don't give they don't care about me. They haven't even thought that there might be someone who, who appears to be a woman who is not actually a woman in in attendance. So, yeah, so if you can try and remove gendered language from your gender language from your brain.

And you know, if you know, someone is, you know, has certain pronouns and does call, you can say she or he or they or whatever. Yeah, so I'm doing this, this Brene Brown course, you know, Brene Brown, like, she's a shame researcher. And I'm doing this course, through my therapist, it's like an eight week course groups, group therapy type of thing where we are unlearning shame. And stepping into the arena, which is the, the analogy, the metaphor, that that Brene Brown uses that if you're in that arena, people who are not in Arena fighting with you don't get to have an opinion on what you're doing. And like learning about shame, and being brave, is really cool. Like I've read Rene Browns books, but thinking about it. And thinking about how I can be a more loving, embodied. Good version of me is really cool. And so this is some this is me doing something which is aligned with our being brave and stepping into the Rena, when I've already had transphobic comments from people, one of the people, someone in the comments was like, let me go and find the comment. Well, I deleted her, but I shared it in my stories and said, look at this video. Oh, they said, there's one person said skip forward 30 seconds if you don't hear this, it's not it's not anything too bad but

50:32

this person Adela. Jasmine says no one cares cry laughing emoji. If you want to be quote, unquote, accepted, like the SIS people then act normal, like the rest of us who are not announcing our identities and sexual sexuality 24/7 or being offended if the wrong pronoun is used by random people. We don't even know love and acceptance comes from within not from outside sources. And so then some people like kind of challenge this person and they were like, Oh, the she is spreading propaganda by by sharing my, my gender, I'm spreading propaganda and, you know, use the whole LGBTQ XYZ you know. And so I was like, okay, they're just they're just a straight up bigot versus someone who can be saved. Yeah, so I've already had people and then being tagged by accounts that from turfs. So turfs is, is trans exclusionary radical feminists and turfs think that they don't don't think that trans people's they don't think identities outside the binary are valid or that all that non binary trans people should be allowed to do certain things. Actually, let me read the read this this story in this campaign that cam came out yesterday? Pink Manta Ray I think that's their handle pink manta ray here it is. Pink manta ray is just bringing up their profile. First trans D one NCAA Men's athlete, their trans person, half Korean half American.

Anyway, so it says this trans person and they a lot of people have shared these about the idea of letting trans girls play girls sports and so here I want to share the the these words because a lot of people are like well yeah, I support trans people. But isn't it right that if a trans girl was a man then they have an unfair advantage. So I if you're thinking if you have those kind of like I'm not sure let me read this. It's really interesting. From pink Manta Ray I will link in the show notes. So pink manta ray is a set of slides. The first slide is pink manta ray is holding up a board that says let let trans girls play trans girls sports and the following slides say as of May 2021, at least 30 Anti trans sports bills, most of which which target trans girls have been proposed or enacted in the United States. If you're wearing rainbows and calling yourself an ally this month and the rest of the year, we need your fight for trans athletes and trans girls now.

53:38

Many of these bills are proposing very invasive testing down to genital inspections of children. This is not only a clear violation of privacy, but also massively transphobic. This is not about fairness. Let's break this down.

Number one, it's not transphobic is about fairness trans women are biological males and shouldn't compete with women. Well start with language. If you claim that you're not transphobic then you will use the most respectful terminology and called Trans women what they are women calling them quote biological males is not only potentially inaccurate, biological sex is not that simple, but also transphobic. If you need to differentiate trans and sis women say that trans and sis women if you need to talk about folks with higher levels of testosterone, justice, testosterone say that if you need to talk about reproductive reproductive biology say that.

Number two, excluding trans girls protects girls sport. In order to exclude trans girls there must be a method of verifying if someone is trans. Usually this is done through genital exams, hormone evaluate evaluation and or genetic testing. Most bills propose accusation based Testing. Someone is accused of being trans and is then subject to testing. There's not only demonizes and weaponizes transfers but it also endangers all girls and women. That is any girl accused of being a transgender can of being transgender, not a transfer of being transgender can be checked. Not only is this incredibly invasive genital exams are wholly unnecessarily having or not having a penis has no effect on performance in sport. But it also is degrading to all women, that is, at what point is a girl good enough that she will be accused of being transgender? How masculine can a girl be or look before she's accused of being transgender? This proposed gender verification not only systematically enforcing the policing of all women's bodies, but also does so through demonizing and weaponizing transvenous.

55:58

Number three trans women have higher levels of testosterone, so it's unfair. Let's first remember that none of these legislative bills touch professional sports. This is not about the Olympics or college sports or any elite level sports. State governments have no jurist jurisdiction over the NCAA professional sports or the Olympics. And in an and in all elite level sports that allow trans athletes hormone regulations already exist. And trans women's testosterone levels are regulated when they complete compete in sport women's sports at elite levels levels. At non elite levels, it does not matter. We're talking about children who just want to kick around a ball with their friends. Most athletes are not Olympians, national team members are even going to compete in regional level meats. These are just kids playing sports with their friends.

Number four, but even if testosterone levels are regulated trans women, women go through testosterone driven puberty, puberty, so they are taller and bigger. First, many trans girls take puberty hormone blockers and therefore have never experienced testosterone driven puberty. And this argument is no the What about those who have let's think about a six three cisgender woman woman who plays basketball. People will say Damn, she was made for basketball. Now let's say we there is a six foot trans woman, people will often immediately say That's unfair. The reality is these accusations are often transphobic sexist and misogynistic. Trans Women's Gender expression is often accused of being too masculine or manly, and a lot of times racist. Many of the trans women who have been attacked are black and brown trans women, which is no coincidence. This is the repeated shaming and policing of black and brown women's bodies in sport. And this is not new. Think of Serena Williams and many other black women whose bodies have been repeated repeatedly policed in sports.

Number five trans women have unfair biological advantages. Don't forget that biological differences exists everywhere in sports. No two athletes bodies look the same. No two cisgender women's bodies look the same and they shouldn't have to. The shortest guy on my swim team was five, six, the tallest was six, seven. That means the shortest guy was more than a foot shorter than the tallest guy. Is that height a biological advantage? Of course it is. But it is is it unfair and meriting of disqualification? Of course not. It's just a biological difference. It's also worth noting that the guy who was five six was one of the fastest swimmers we had and captain in his senior year. So yes, trans women absolutely can exhibit exhibit biological diversity, just like everyone else does.

Number six, I'm not transphobic I just care about fairness. In the women's sport foundation 20 report chasing equity on barriers to sport for women. The inclusion of trans women is not mentioned once trans women do not threaten the fabric of women's sports excluding and attacking trans women does. That is so many folks don't care about sports or fairness until a trans woman wants to play. And then suddenly there are massive sports man fans. If folks truly want to bring fairness to the forefront they'd fight against the main barrier to access for sports, socio economic disparity, often intertwined with systemic oppression such as racism.

Number seven Lastly, do not forget this is an intersectional issue.

1:00:00

When medical tests prove that Michael Phelps his body produces half a level of lactic acid than the typical typical athlete does, the Olympic Committee praised him for how lucky he was to have a, quote, genetic advantage. When Caster Semenya was invasively tested after being accused of an unfair advantage, she not only had her metal strip from her, but was barred from further competition until she takes medication to lower her natural testosterone levels. It is no coincidence that Phelps is a cisgender straight white man and Casta. Some Semenya is a black is a queer black woman.

This is not about fairness, this is white supremacy and the patriarchy. When men are good at sports, they are praised for their bodies. When women are good at sports, especially if they are black. They are called unfair and are punished. That is these attacks on trans women reflect the continued policing of black and brown women broken black and brown women's bodies. We see this with the massive amount of hatred that Serena Williams receives with the newest attacks on Simone Biles, black women's bodies have been policed for decades, and trans women are just the newest target, this must stop. And then there's a final slide that says what can you do and it says, share these slides to educate your friends. sign a petition, learn how to be an ally donate to translate organizations and follow support trans athletes and they've got three Translat athletes, they're tagged. So I'll attach a link to this post.

So you can do those things or just read it yourself or share it. So interesting, right? And so important that we have all of these spelled out because a lot of times when we haven't been thinking about these things, and you know transphobic uncle, Bert says, and you like you don't know how to respond. This post is so good for being able to respond to those arguments. All right. Thanks for hanging out with me today.

1:02:05

Thank you for thank you for witnessing my new gender coming out moment. I appreciate you. Thank you for being an ally to me and yeah, as a fat person as a non binary person and listen to this podcast and hanging out with me today and I hope you have an amazing rest of the day. All right, CMI a crocodile.

1:02:42

Thanks for listening to the episode and if you feel ready to get serious about this work and want to know when the doors open to fears fattier Academy which is my signature program, where I teach all about how to overcome your fat phobic beliefs and learn to love your fat body, then go to first party.com forward slash waitlist again, that is phase fatty.com. Forward slash waitlist to get your name on the waitlist. For when first party Academy my signature program opens