Episode 61 Transcript

Welcome to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm your host, Victoria Welsby and this is episode 61. Today, we're talking about “How to deal with dieting friends”.

I'm Victoria Welsby TEDx speaker, Best Selling Author and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self esteem to being a courageous and confident Fierce Fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living in a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed? Or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century? So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty podcast Let's begin.

Hello, hello,fatty.

Unknown Speaker 1:25

You're right. I'm All righty. All right. All right. Good. Glad we're both All right. Today is in the future. It's not I'm gonna say a lie right now. Today's 22nd of December. It's not. It's November the 13th. For I am, I'm lying to you. But then podcast, this podcast episode will come out on 22nd of December. And I have decided that me, Victoria Welsby is going to take some time off her. I'm going to take some time off at the end of the year. So the first party team are taking three weeks off from this week right now until the end of end of the year. So because of that I am going to be playing you have three episodes that have previously aired, but are very timely, and really, really fucking good. They're really good. So they need to be listened to again. And also if you've already listened to all of the episodes. So you've had 60 episodes of first fatty podcast I'm telling you right now you would you don't remember half of the shit that that's been going on? Probably not even 10% Probably like you don't even know what my name is. Even if you've listened to all the episodes. Listen, listening to these replays, you probably will have read but just you know a small bit of what I'm talking about. So if you'd like replayed my morning, but no, you still gonna get a lot out of it. And so listen to the replays because these are I've hand picked them. hand picked them as the best, most timely episodes. So yeah, so this episode how to deal with dieting friends who know you. So it's the end of the year. And who knows when you're listening to this a few days before a family gathering, perhaps, perhaps you're at a family gathering and you're like I need some fat goodness, because your relatives have been like, Oh, you've got fat. why don't why aren't you married? Why is that horrible? Or whatever? And you're like, I need some fatty goodness. And you'll listen to this podcast and yes, good idea. Good idea. Yeah, so this podcast is is really important for right now. And for the rest of your life. Because we are always going to come across people who are who are dieting who say bigoted shit, who hate fat bodies who think it's appropriate to to be like, Oh, you're fat and you'll be like, No shit, Sherlock well done for noticing that I have a body. And how do we deal with those things? So in this episode, I'm going to I'm going to talk about that. And I don't know I didn't listen to the end of this episode previously. But I think that I mentioned a song, a Christmas song written by the incredible Reagan chest day. And I just want I'll send you a little bit of this song, because it is 100% relevant to this episode. And so you can just hum this song if you're around people who are talking about diets, and it's the holiday times and you can know what the real lyrics are. So the lyrics are the song is a Christmas tree, but these are the fatty lyrics to the song. So let me sing it to you. So Ray congesting wrote these lyrics,

Unknown Speaker 5:33

boundaries, so boundaries, you help me deal with family boundaries or boundaries. You help me deal with family don't talk about my weight or food. Why can't you see it's hella rude? Oh, boundary boundaries, oh, boundaries, you'll help me deal with family or boundaries or boundaries. You help me deal with family. You know, I love my family. But I will leave if you fat shame me. Boundary though boundaries, who helped me deal with family.

Unknown Speaker 6:27

And there are so many redundant renditions of this song. So go and look at just Google Oh, boundaries. And there's a really good version from Jeanette de partie, who was like an opera singer. So you can kind of be humming that song when you know you. Aren't Mildred, just like oh, have you heard about the new keto diet or whatever it is?

Unknown Speaker 6:53

Oh, boundaries?

Unknown Speaker 6:55

Shut up. Yeah, so let's do this episode. Around this time, we tend to spend a lot of time with family or people, we don't see that often. And so this bed, this podcast episode is going to be super beneficial, because we're talking about how to deal with people when they're talking about diets when they're talking about oh, my god, I just started this new keto thing. And I've lost 7000 pounds in 12 minutes. And it's amazing, you should do it. Because you're so fat and things like that. Hopefully, you don't have relatives or friends who say those exact things to you, but you never know. So this podcast is all based on a question that I got from a listener. And so the question is, what can I say to my thin or thinner than me friends when I feel offended, or annoyed by their negative food talk, or when they blame moods on sugar? So that is from Elisa. And we're gonna get deep into what to do when that happens? Because it's a big one, right? When we've decided that we don't want to die it we don't want to be around people who are talking about that shit. Okay, so this question from Elisa is a really great question. I get asked this a lot. And it is very difficult. I gotta tell you, this was one of the last things that I was able to do was to respond in the way that felt good when people were talking about their diet. But since I started doing that, it's been a lot easier and is actually one of the cornerstones of me having higher self esteem, of me having a deep sense of self worth. And so the answer, in short, we can do this all this whole episode with one word. Let me just read the question again. And I'm going to give you the one word answer, and then I'm going to explain better than just one word. The question again, is what can I say to my thin or thinner than me friends when I feel offended or annoyed by their negative food talk, or when they blame moods on sugar from Elisa? So the one word response is boundaries, boundaries. If you said to me, if I asked this question years ago, and someone said boundaries I'd like but no matter boundaries, out ahead, no things What is this? No, not setting boundaries? No, because I used to think about boundaries was that they were these horrific conversations where you'd have to be like, this is how I'm feeling and then the person will be like, Fuck you, you piece of shit. How dare you say something to me. And then I would be like, I'm so sorry. Oh, and it would just go terribly. And there was no point. And you know, I was too scared to even speak up and say how has been thinking of feeling anyway, that was my thoughts on boundaries. But let me share what what boundaries actually are. So personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them, and how they will respond when someone passes those limits. So that is from Wikipedia, defining what personal boundaries are. And so in super simple layman's terms, it's like say, if you live in a house, or an apartment, the walls of your abode of where you live, they are literal wolves that say to people, this is my space. And so imagine if you were just hanging out in your living room watching a TV show, and someone just walked in, and they're like, alright, as I go, I'm just gonna make myself a cup of tea. You be like, What the fuck are you gonna hear, you're probably like, oh my god, they're gonna rob me or whatever. But in this ridiculous example, let's pretend you knew they weren't. And they were just like, I'm just gonna make a cup of tea. I'm gonna make myself a sandwich as well and get cozy on the sofa with you. And this is not someone that you want in your house, you would most likely say to them, get out, go to your own hours and make your own sandwich. I'm watching TV on my own Thank you. And it'd be really easy for you to usher them out of the house and lock the door and be like, more fucking, what the heck, what happened there.

Unknown Speaker 11:54

But in our normal day to day life, we have these boundaries that are invisible limits, where we feel like it's okay for people to go and for the things that they say and, and people cross them. And instead of reacting in a way to keep ourselves safe, which is lots of different ways that you could do that. We instead do the equivalent of a random stranger walking into our house says, I'm just gonna make a cup of tea and make myself a sandwich. put my feet up, can you give me a foot rub? And what a lot of the time we do is we just say, oh, okay, but secretly inside, we're like, Who the fuck is this motherfucker? What do you mean foot rub? What does he think that I'm a slave? Servant. But on our you know, outside attitude is Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I don't mind. I used to do this all the time. So people used to cross my boundaries all the time. And I would never say anything to them. And you might be thinking, Well, what's what's wrong with that? So let me read you a little bit from positive psychology.com. Our boundaries might be rigid, loose, somewhere in between, or even non existent. A complete lack of boundaries may indicate that we don't have a strong identity, or are enmeshed with someone else. healthy boundaries can serve to establish one's identity. Specifically, healthy boundaries can help people define their individuality, and can help people indicate what they will or will not hold themselves responsible for. So that's from psychology positive psychology.com. And so, healthy boundaries is good for us as humans. If you don't have healthy boundaries, you will have unhealthy and unfulfilling relationships. And you'll struggle to make deep connections. You'll carry resentment and anger. And you'll just be quietly pissed off with people who you probably like, or you love and they love you. But you are seething inside, because they said that thing and they keep saying that thing and why do they keep doing it so annoying. But have you ever told them that it's inappropriate or annoying or upsetting to you or makes you mad? Have you? Maybe you have and if you have then we're going to talk about that as well in this episode, the way that I see it now is that boundaries, setting boundaries really is a gift. really truly. Now what I mean about that what I mean with that is you The I would like I said, keep people, you know, not tell them how I was really feeling. And then I'd go back and talk to another friend about them being like, Oh, can you believe they did this and said that, Oh, what a bitch, and would never say how I was really failing. And so therefore that person could never get close to me, truly get close to me. Because I had put up this wall of not communicating what I really thought and found out and say, if this person genuinely wants to be my friend, they're doomed. They can never really be close to me. And so by saying to them, Hey, that thing that you said, really made me feel like XYZ, you're giving them the opportunity to get to know the real you to love you to build connection, and trust. And it's also the opportunity to work out who is not right to be in your life, depending on how they respond. And so for me boundaries, in the past have been very, very scary. And still, it can be scary for me to set boundaries, because you don't know how the other person is going to react. Now, in my experience, most people react, like average human beings. And if you say, hey, that thing is upsetting me. They say, Oh, I didn't know. Okay, well, I'll stop saying it, or whatever it is, they say.

Unknown Speaker 16:52

So, I will go into what to say exactly as well. So don't worry, I'm not just gonna be like, just tell them, I'm gonna give you some some things to say. So how you react to a situation like this, your friends talking about dieting and sugar and all that sort of bullshit is completely up to you. It's your decision and how you react. Okay. Brene, Brown said, the most compassionate people are also the most boundaried. So the way that you react is totally up to you. But recognize, there's going to be ways that you can react that it's going to serve you better in the long term than other ways that you could react. So when you're having negative feelings when you're around someone, it's probably because they are encroaching on your personal values. All right. So we all have values, you might not know your values to say them out, like my values are this, they said this, but you have, we all have values, you know about how we want to behave, what we value in ourselves what we value in others. And everyone's everyone's values are different, right? And so your friends talking about their diet is probably pushing on one of your values or some or many of your values, and that is why it's making you have a negative reaction. So example, for example, if someone started talking about dieting, a friend started talking around about dieting around me, it would encroach on my personal values of authenticity, and curiosity. And so these are two of my values. So authenticity, is it's important for me to be authentic. And so in that moment, if a friend was talking about their diet, and I didn't say something, it would not be authentic of me. Unless the situation is it's you know, it's just a random person, then like, oh, diet, I would just be like, whatever, see you later. But if it was someone I cared about, and I wanted to establish a good relationship, my authentic reaction would be like, No, thanks. I'm not into dieting. And as well, curiosity, so it's important for me to be curious. And it's important for those around me who I I prefer to surround myself with people who are curious, who are interested in learning about

Unknown Speaker 19:29

that society and being the best person they can be. And for me, I see dieting as really old fashioned, like, Oh, it doesn't feel it. This is the world I'm in now, right? I've just find it so bizarre that when when someone says that they're going on a diet, I'm just like, aren't we in 2019 now like it's almost 2020 Are we overdye is Doesn't everyone know they don't work. And so it would be encroaching on my curiosity because they wouldn't have necessarily displayed curiosity to understand about diet culture bullshit, and things like that. And so that's why it might feel bad for me, it might feel bad for you for other reasons. But understand, it's encroaching on something that is core about you as a person. And so it's important, it's really, really illuminating something important. And you're having a reaction because it's a part of your, your identity of who you are. And so you can do a few things. So here are your options. There's many, many, many options, you could do anything you want. But here in a nutshell, here, here are the things that you can do. So what are the options you could do is do nothing. Listen to your friends talk about their, you know, we're eating worms that we found in the garden diet and rubbing poo onto our faces. And that's our new diet. And it's great. And we've lost 50,000 pounds in the last 12 seconds. And you can go, Yeah, great. Sounds interesting. Yeah. And then your brain, you're like you, you can't fucking believe this. You're eating worms. You're putting poo on your face? What the? What are you doing? Don't you know, this won't work? Don't you know the diet is a bullshit, or God want you to stop talking about this rubbish. It's so boring. So that is what your brain is saying. But your mouth is saying nothing. And your head is maybe nodding or your mouth is saying, oh, yeah, maybe I'll try that, or whatever. And so that is an option. That's an absolutely viable option. And you might choose to do that, because it's not safe to say anything. Because you don't give a shit about the person. So for example, here is an example of me not doing anything, or actually kind of doing something, but then choosing not to do anything about a boundary that had been crossed. So here's an IG story about how not doing something worked for me, and so not doing something is a good option. Okay, so, one time it was Christmas, and we went round a friend's house, me and my then boyfriend, and we decorated gingerbread houses, and it was all very Christmassy. And then people started, more people started coming around, and people were drinking and stuff. And we started playing a card game. And we were all sat around in the living room playing this card game having the best time. And one of the guests, there was another guest there. I had said, I got this card and it had read something about someone bitch slapping someone. And being a Brit. I didn't know maybe it's just me, maybe Brits do know. But I said, What is bitch slapping mean? And immediately, this person, she jumped out of a seat, she straddled me, and I'm sitting on my seat and slapped me across the face. And I was like, What the fuck? I'm not one of, you know, people touching me, you know, slapping me like I'm not into. I don't think anyone is really, but it was really a personal boundary, like, like, alarms are going off physically. She's in my space. She sat on my lap, and then she just slapped me. And she was like, that is what a bitch slap is. And then she started laughing. And immediately, I said, Don't ever touch me again. And you can see everyone was like, Oh, my God, I can't believe she just did that.

Unknown Speaker 24:14

And I can't remember what happened next. But I think we carried on with the game. And my friend who was sat next to me was like, wow, you responded so well to that. And I just felt uncomfortable with the whole situation. And so I said to my partner at the time, I said, let's leave and so we left. A few weeks or months later, we bumped into this, this person with her partner. And I was like, Oh, fucking now because she wasn't a friend of mine. She's like friends of friends. And she was like, Hey, how are you doing? And I kind of made small talk, but I had already decided that at that point. I was not going to pursue any type of relationship with her and also wouldn't go to any events that she was at also because I didn't want anything like that happening again. And we kind of made small talk. And then we left. And as we left, she turned around and snapped me on the bum, and hike scene I get like, sometimes playful, Pat's on the bottom, you know, between friends, it would be fine. Although my friends don't hit me on the bum, but she probably slapped them on the bum. And even if it was soft, I previously told her Don't ever touch me again. And I made a decision in that moment, instead of being like, taking it to the next level. And the next level would be to use more of my voice to say, Hey, I've told you do not touch me. Okay, so that would be the next level. Because you know, the previous level was me saying, Do not touch me in a strong voice. And in that moment, I decided, You know what, I'm not interested in reasserting my boundary with her, I will never see her again. Hopefully, I don't bump into her in the street. And if I do, I decided, I will not talk to her at all. Like, I'm not going to make small talk with her. And so in that moment, I decided to do nothing, just walk on and be like to my partner, can you believe it? She just smacked my bum. What the hell. So she had, she had poor personal boundaries herself, because she thought it was okay to get into someone else's personal boundaries, we didn't really know each other, but maybe maybe we met a couple of times before that party. So that's an example of doing nothing. Now say if I wanted to be friends with her, doing nothing in that moment, or following on, like, we could have had a conversation and I could have been like, Listen, you snapped me in the face. Why I'd want to be friends with someone like this, I wouldn't, but You slapped me in the face, you hit my bottom, I know that you were trying to be playful and funny, or whatever you were trying to do. But that is not okay with me. And I would establish a boundary moving forward. But because I didn't want to be friends with her because clearly, her boundaries were not well established. And in place of knowing that that was not appropriate. I decided to let it go and just be like, Wow, that was a person with bad boundaries that I met. So there's kind of good and bad on doing nothing. You have to work out, do you want to be friends with that person moving forward, if you do, then you're going to want to set a boundary. If you don't, you can just let it go and be like, Well, I don't want to be friends with that person. If you aren't going to be friends with them, and you don't set a boundary, it's going to build resentment, you're going to get angry, and it's going to damage your mental health. And we don't want friendships that damage our mental health. Sometimes shit happens, right? But overall, we want to have friendships that goes both ways of, of being joyful and filled with love and all that type of juicy stuff. And so the next thing that you can do is remove yourself from the situation. And so this could also be something where you're not actually saying anything, but you remove yourself physically from the room. And so say you're in the living room talking with your family, and they're like, Oh, I'm gonna do this new diet, you can, like, I'm just gonna pop to the toilet, you're gonna pop to the washroom, or just walk away, and just situate yourself somewhere else.

Unknown Speaker 28:37

That is another thing that you could do. You can also remove yourself in regards to removing yourself from the friendship from the relationship. So cutting the relationship off. And so you're removing yourself from their life. That is a another option. But if say in the family example, where you're just going to walk away, you will have had to decide, Is that the right thing for me in regards to my own mental health? am I actually going to be seething afterwards and be like, I can't believe it they ruined ruined Christmas by talking about this. Would it be better for you to actually say something? Or is it you know, weird aren't Doris and there's no point in saying anything to her. So you don't want any drama, you're just going to walk away and it's not going to affect you that much because you've not told, you know, you're weird aren't that, you know, putting cabbage up your bum is not actually something that's going to help you lose weight. So that is another option. Another option is to set a boundary casually. And so you can be playful with boundaries. It doesn't always have to be serious and sitting down and being like, you hurt my feelings, although it can be and that is also beneficial. But you could do something like if your friends are talking about Diet bullshit, you can do something like, Hey, you lot. Don't remember diet talk is so 2016 Can we not? And kind of make a joke out of it and being like, oh my god, diet talk is so boring. Oh, something that my sister does to me and it's hilarious. Sometimes say if I'm talking about something boring, she'll just start snoring close and close her eyes and make her head nod off. And he's so funny. So I'll be you have her for years. And it's been like, oh, did you know blah, blah blah and and she just got we just both burst burst out laughing and it's kind of a nice way to say like, Shut up. You're boring me now. And it's, it's nice, right? Because we both you know, neither one of us is offended if I sometimes I'll do that to her, I can remember to try and be funny. But it's it's not an aggressive like stop doing that you're making me feel sad or mad or whatever? Not that you would a lot of the times be doing that anyway, when you're setting a boundary. So is there anything that you can come up with, which might be more light hearted, too?

Unknown Speaker 31:14

navigate their behavior. And you could say, Hey, this is so like, oh my god, this is so 2016 like home, and they might not listen to you. And they might ignore you. And at that point, you might decide that you want to set a clear boundary. So saying something like, Oh, hey, died August 2016 is not really a very clear boundary, but you're kind of throwing it out there that you're not okay with this. But it's not explicit, right. And so, a clear boundary would be something like, here's a story that I want to share you share with you about a boundary that I set. So I was working at this company, maybe six years ago. And I was brought in as a Talent Acquisition Manager. And it was a startup company. And so you know, desks everywhere, you didn't have your own office and, and so I was opposite this guy who was in a different department. And he wasn't a manager. From the very first day that I came into this company, he was like, stressing me out. And like from day one, he was like, manager Hmm, well, how did you get that job? And I was like, in my head, I was like, what motherfucker? What do you mean? How do I get this job? Because I'm a fucking badass birches, why? But you know, first day, a new company, you don't want to be like, throat punching people. And so I would just let it go. And he, he was just a massive bellend. Basically, he would be rude to everyone and make them feel really uncomfortable. He was very domineering. And we were out in an open plan environment, he would just be always speaking up and telling people, you know, being being a dick, and one time, and I would be going home and saying to my then boyfriend, I can't believe this guy. He said this to me today. And he said that to me today. Oh my god, this is bla bla bla. And then one day, he said to me, You should be ashamed of yourself. I can't remember what it was about. But I just remember that line. You should be ashamed of yourself for something. And, and I was like, Nah, I'm done. And so I had a conversation with my therapist, and I was like, I'm done. What do I do? Oh, my God, I just thought, hey, this guy, I want to, like have a fistfight with him. Ah, and we decided, okay, we need to set a boundary. And so the next day at work, or whenever it was the next day after the therapist appointment, I just casually threw it through the day I said to him, Hey, do you mind if we go to the back? The back was like the only private place like literally some corridor? Do you ever go to the back for a quick chat. And in front of the whole room who's like Elise Victoria wants to take me to the back for a quick chat, she's probably going to try and have sex with me. This guy was such a knob, but just even that, you know, he was a knob. And I was just like, fucking, and so he's like, Okay, we'll go to the back. And so we went to the back. And so what I did was, I shared with him my story. And so I wanted to share with him a little bit about my story. So he understood where I was coming from. And I wanted to make this about me and not about him, because if I made it about him, I thought that it would not be the right strategy. And so I said, Hey, I just wanted to share something with you, about me that you might not know and when So in my, you know, I was homeless, and I was abused. And you know, my dad was an alcoholic and bla bla bla, all of the story, which you can hear in episode two, if you're curious, and you haven't heard it. And then I said, and so when you say things to me like this XYZ, you should be ashamed of yourself or whatever. It's very difficult for me to hear. And it reminds me of being in those situations, which were not good for me. So do you think that you could avoid saying those types of things to me in the future? He was like, Oh, my God, I am so sorry. I didn't know I won't do that anymore. Can we hug it out how to hug and we kind of ended on a happy note. Went back to the the office, he was like, Oh, she didn't try and have sex with me. It

Unknown Speaker 35:59

never more not once ever, did he say anything to me ever again. That was rude. In fact, he was very pleasant to me. I wouldn't say he was nice, because he was a lot. He was a complete knob to everyone else. But not to me, because I told him in a nice way, listen up here, motherfucker, I'm standing for your fucking bullshit. Now I didn't have to give him any kind of backstory, I could just say, can you stop saying that thing. But because we'd been working together for probably a few months, and understanding his personality, I thought that that was the best way to do it. And so it, it doesn't have to be a big sit down thing. You can just say, say if your friends are talking about their diet, you can just say, Hey, I don't know if you know this. But I've actually started on this journey of repairing my relationship with food, and healing myself, because we live in this diet culture. And it's really damaged the way that I relate to food. And something that I would like to do is, is remove all of the diet, talk out of my life. And I'm just curious if you could help me with this. And your friend will probably say yes, I'd love to help you. And you would say great, the way that you could help me is when you're around me, can you not mention about diets or food or sugar or any type of moralizing around food, and I really appreciate it, I really appreciate you. This is so helpful for me, if you could do that, thank you so much. And your friend will probably be like, Yeah, this is great, I'm gonna help you. And hopefully, because they're a good friend, they do want to help you. And then it's true. This is what's happening, you are repairing your relationship. And hearing that type of stuff is difficult. Even now, like if I hear stuff like that, I'm just like, Oh, God, no, it is damaging towards my mental health. And so you're giving your friend the opportunity to help you continue with your journey and help you grow. Now your friend could be like, what? What's your problem? I'm not doing that. And you know what that is? That is beautiful if they say that, because it means they're not the type of friend that you want in your life, unless you want to continue working on this. And

Unknown Speaker 38:32

I don't know what you could do. If a friend doesn't want to respect a boundary, then then no friend really, really, they're no friend. And the same goes for family, even you know, people very close to you, even your parents, if they can't accept a boundary, then you know that you're going to have a boundary. It's because they have poor boundaries. And they are not the type of person that you want in your life. So you're going to do this first thing and it's going to be scary or might not you're going to say to your friends, friend, friends, you're going to set a boundary in some way. If that's what you decide to do, again, you don't have to they 9990 Who knows I'm making up percentages. Chances are they are going to break that boundary, especially if it's something that they've been doing for a long time. And it's something that's in their life. And it's something that has been okay around you in the past like talking about diets before you might have engaged in diet talk. I know when I was dieting, I was like the first one in there being like, oh my god, did you know that air has 17 calories? So we should stop breathing so much? Because then we won't be fat? And I got right, I'd be the one. And so it would be absolutely normal and okay for my friends to be like, Oh my God, did you hear about this? And I would normally previously have loved that conversation. And so if I all of a sudden came out of the blue and said hey, I'm not cool with that anymore. They would probably forget or not take me seriously. Okay. And so this is where the hard work comes in. I know that conversation was hard. But what you need to do is when they slip up, and they probably will, because they're a human being, and they're not slipping up, most likely, they're not slipping up to be a dick. Sometimes they might be. But generally, it's just them just, it's just part of their brain. It's their normal way to speak. And it, they need help in remembering what your boundary is. And so you have to say, hey, remember, on Wednesday, we just spoke about XYZ. And just make it like, you don't have to be like, you motherfucker, you went over my boundary, and I hate you. And let's have a fistfight outside. He was like, Oh, hey, remember that? And they'll be like, they'll probably be like, Oh, shit, yeah, sorry. And you're like, yeah, no problem. Anyway, did you see that new Netflix show? Or they might react in a negative way? Ah, he's still going on about this. And what is that? That is a gift. It's telling you something about them. As a person, do you want a person like this in your life? Who cannot respect your boundaries? No, you do not. Of course, you can work on that stuff. Right? And this might go on, depending on the relationship, it may go on for a long time. So as an example, my mum used to be used to talk about kind of weight stuff a lot. And many years ago, I said, Hey, I'm not down with talking about this anymore. Can you not talk about fat as a negative? Yes, no problem. I won't do that. Now, up until that point, it would have been literally decades of us having the relationship where it was okay to talk about that stuff. And because I wanted and want a relationship going on with my mum, when she would slip up when she wasn't doing it, because she was like, hi, no, I was gonna really Falcor Victoria today. When I talk about this person's diet. This already Geller. And so when she did, I would say hey, remember? And she'd be like, oh, oh, yeah, I'm so sorry. And the incidences would go from quite often, to less and less and less. And now, this still might be something. But she catches herself and she'll say, Oh, not that. That's good. Like, dancing. What is it called that dancing show? That's on BBC if you're in the UK, dancing, her dancing, dancing with celebrities. Oh, I didn't know. You can let me know. Come down, somebody come down. So they come down for this. I'm definitely anyway. And she said, oh, one of the snapper easy, soft, like loads of weight since the start of the show, because he's doing so much dancing. And I was like, Huh. And she was in she could tell she's like, oh, yeah, that was a weight thing. That I was like, Oh, he must he must be really hungry or whatever.

Unknown Speaker 43:06

And so it's less than less now to the point where it's not really even an issue. Now, someone else who was behaving like that, if I wasn't necessarily wanting a relationship with them, I might have decided that that was not okay for me. And whatever you decide is best for you is absolutely fine. It's so okay to cut off relationships with people who we've been told it's not okay to cut off relationships with like close family members, your parents. It's not your job to be in a toxic relationship. That's not okay. And so now, the way that I express boundaries can be can really vary from day to day. So on Instagram, I have a boundary of I don't let Oh words, obese and overweight beyond my Instagram. Because it's a fat positive place. And those words are slurs. And so when someone uses an O word on my Instagram in my comments, I will, what I'll normally do is, if they're, if I can clearly see that they're not a troll, and they something like if they say something like, oh my god, yeah, blah, blah, blah, obesity or whatever. I'll message them and comment back and be like, yeah, absolutely. Bla bla bla. By the way, we don't use our words in a fat positive space like this because they're slurs and maybe a heart or something to show that I'm not angry. And that is me setting a boundary. I don't want to see those words come up in my feed or my page. That is my boundary. Now, sometimes people say, oh my god, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize. Yeah, that's fine. Someone said to me yesterday, why are they slurs? And for me that kind of pushed my boundary a bit too much. because they were asking me to educate them for free emotional labor. And it's okay if you want to, but you don't have to. And at that time, I was like, Nah, I don't want to educate this person. So I was just said, Google can tell you, which is true. Literally, Google can tell you, like, I'm not here to educate you, although sometimes I might want to educate you, because sometimes I do want to, you know, continue that conversation. But yesterday, I wasn't in the mood. And especially because they were a thin person, or their profile suggested that they were a thin person, I kind of thought, you know, they don't seem to be valuing my labor in this exchange, because they weren't like, Oh, my God, and I didn't realize I'm so sorry. Like, could you maybe explain a bit more about that, then I probably feel feel more inclined to explain to them my point of view about them. So I could also decide to just delete the comment. If someone just use it, what I can just be like, you know, what, they've crossed the boundary. And my response is to delete the comment. It's my choice. It's my page, right.

Unknown Speaker 46:13

And so when someone does cross your boundary, and you've clearly stated your boundaries, and they've done it, you could just do it once. And you can say, you know, what, that's enough, I'm done. Or they could do it a few times, and you can just be a noob, you can be like, Okay, that's it, I'm done. You need to do something, when they cross your boundary, you can't just be like, Oh, well, because it's a pointless boundary. If you do not, if there's no consequence. You know, think about kids. When you're like, Hey, don't do that thing. If you do, then this thing's going to happen. Something negative is going to happen. If you, you know, don't, don't bite your baby brother. And then they bite the baby brother, and you're like, I told you not to bite your baby brother. And you did. And they're like, there's no reason why they wouldn't want to do it, again, baby brother tastes nice, or whatever it is they're doing, you know, there has to be a consequence. And then they can learn that that behavior is unwanted, and adults are just the same. And so the consequence could be that you're just like, you know, what, I'm going to leave actually, you know, I'm not mad, but I'm just not into this conversation, you know, so I'll check you out next time. So you could just leave, you could just go into a different room. So if you're with your family, or you can say, hey, I'm gonna take some space for you, because you've broken that boundary again. And I'm not feeling good about this. And so I'm going to take some space for you, and, and you can decide, I'm not going to talk to them for a week or whatever, take whatever space you need from them. Or you can say, you know, what, this relationships for not for me, and you can end a relationship. So the decision is you yours, but you need to have something in place when they do cross your boundary. Because if you don't say anything, you might as well have never had that boundary conversation to begin with, it would have been a waste of your breath. And it's actually a negative thing, if you might as well definitely not have said anything because they know, okay, when when this person says, Hey, this is really serious. For me, this is important that you're, you're not really being serious. And it means that they can disrespect you even more. And we want to have relationships where, you know, we're mutual respect, and kindness and all that type of stuff. And so with boundaries, I used to always think, Oh, my God, people are going to explode in my face because of my past and being abused. That it was my reality of people exploding if I ever asked for anything reasonable. And so I had to practice this, I had to start small and say, Hey, do you think that you could, you know, I'd be like, what, what do you think? Maybe you could, and it was something tiny? Like, Oh, could you maybe not wear your shoes in my house? Maybe I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, don't hate me. And practice and then move up to the bigger stuff and the scary stuff. And honestly, it feels so fucking good to say, Oh, hey, we don't do that. Or we don't say that. Or, you know, I'm not into that. And, you know, or make a joke about something to say, Hey, I'm not cool with that, or some comment to show that, you know, this is this is not okay with me. It really does build your self esteem because then you start to realize you're so powerful. You really are. And think about the people who you know, in your life who have good but good boundaries, they're probably a lot more confident. And you probably respect them more versus the people who have terrible boundaries and who say yes to everything, who talk about people behind their back because they're so mad with them because they don't ever say add up to the more set a boundary. Right? So that is my answer. You got the short answer boundaries and then the long answer, which is Whoa, boundaries. So at least I hope that helped. And I hope that it helped others who are tuning in to today's episode, and I want to end each episode with a little fact about me so you can get to know me a little better. So today's fact is about my favorite music, my favorite artiste. So, currently my favorite is Beyonce.

Unknown Speaker 50:41

I love Beyonce music. I just I think Beyonce is just badass and amazing. I love that at Coachella, she had fat dancers. She is pushing ideas, which are more forward thinking, which I love. I hope she goes to the extreme with fat acceptance, and really goes full out versus having small fats as dancers. And she does something like what Miley Cyrus has done. In her recent video, she had a model on the who is Infini fat. And it's amazing. I'll link to that in the show notes show notes. So you can see that video and it's like, three seconds of glorious, super fat naked, che long fan. Her name is Angelina and she is an angel on selling you the model. So I hope Beyonce just something like that gets really more even more political with a fat positivity. And I don't think she's she's actually fat positive because I watched a documentary about her run up to Coachella and how she was like, I need to lose weight and she was eating like nothing. And these intense workouts all day long. She'd be working out and then she'd be going and dancing and doing the routines. And I just saw oh my god, Beyonce, I wish that you realize that your body is just incredible for what it does for you. And you don't need to also be eating nothing she was eating. I can't remember what it was but you know, hardly anything. So that's my current favorite. And I grew up listening to Destiny's Child on my cassette. Cassette one of my favorite cassette first because that was writing's on the wall Destiny's Child, and I would listen to that in my Walkman and fall asleep and other batteries are doing but as a kid also if you're British, you know this band I loved e 17. And Brian Harvey, you know, I love love D 17. Because they were the bad boys. And then the take take that which was the other band. They were like, the good boys and I was always like, No man, I'm a bad I'm a bad girl. Like as a 10 year old. So bad is boyband? And yeah, Brian Harvey was my favorite. And I would like make out with the poster in my room of Brian. Years later, actually, Brian Harvey ran himself over with his own car. So well. Yeah, have fun googling that fact. Very strange. Yeah, so there's my little fact about me. A reminder, go and write a review on wherever you can on Apple Music or Stitcher. Take a screenshot of that review before you send it and send it off for approval, because it takes time for them to go through. And send that screenshot to me, Victoria at first fatty.com. And you will get an audio version and a ebook version of my best selling book as a thank you and share on social media that you're listening to this episode, I'll put you in two for a draw to win a first fatty mug and we've got a download that goes along with this episode. And that is at first fatty.com 006 first fatty.com forward slash 006 for the shownotes. And you can also go there and there'll be a button for you to ask a question. So if you have a question that you want me to answer on the show, and I think it's something that others will benefit from, from me asking which your questions are always great.

Unknown Speaker 54:42

And it's something related to fat positivity, to anti diet to intuitive eating, changing your negative thoughts, all that type of stuff. Don't ask me you know how to create an umbrella or something because I don't know the answer to that. So if it's something that I can contribute on, I will definitely include it in an episode. So go to the shownotes www.facebook.com forward slash 006 Because it's episode six, and I can't wait to see you in the next episode. Have an incredible day. My first fatty See you soon. This podcast is brought to you by fears fatty Academy. First fatty Academy is my incredible and life changing e course, which is only available to enroll in sporadically throughout the year. First fatty Academy is all about stepping into your power and knowing for certain that you are a fierce, strong, worthy human in all your body's glory. I will teach you my secrets for changing your limiting negative self beliefs about your fat body and empower you to finally feel in control around food knowing you'll never diet again. Phase fatty Academy is open for enrollment on November the fifth 2019 But for a matter of days only. For more details and to get on the waitlist go to www dot Fiers fatti.com forward slash Academy that's WWW dot phears fatti.com forward slash Academy