Episode 38 Transcript

You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I am your host, Victoria Welsby. And in this episode number 38, we're talking about the magical things that I thought would happen when I became thin. And also the ways in which I tried to disguise my fat body. Let's do it.

I'm Vinny Welsby TEDx speaker, Best Selling Author, and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self esteem to being a courageous and confident fierce fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living with a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed? Or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century? So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty Podcast Let's begin.

Unknown Speaker 1:32

Hello, hello, welcome to this episode. So pleased that you're here. Hope you're feeling good. You're doing okay, and life is treating you all right, just six months left of 2020. So don't worry, we're halfway we're halfway there. We're gonna survive, it's gonna be alright. So today we're talking about, there's some like some really funny things that I used to do and used to believe. And so there's some funny things in this episode. And I wonder if you're going to relate to any of them. Before we get into it, though, I want to remind you of my free resource that I have made for you, the first fatty body love a roadmap. And you can get that by clicking the link below, go into the show notes. And it's going to teach you the steps to increase your body confidence. I'm going to share the three massive mistakes everyone makes when they're on this journey to body confidence. And you're going to be invited to my first party friends Facebook community. And I didn't stop there. Get body love trainings sent to your inbox. How much is it? You say Victoria? It's free? Oh, what's How can it be? I know, it's amazing. So check out the link below, make sure that you have that. And I keep forgetting to tell you this. But you can ask a question too, you can ask a question, and I will answer it in the show. I've got questions that I'm gonna do. I'm gonna do one for next show. So if you have a question about how to love your fat body, fat, nervous dieting, intuitive eating anything to do with that stuff, then use the link in the show notes. You can always just email me but you know, you might want to remain anonymous. And so if you want to do that, then do go and check out the show notes. And there's a link there to send me a question or just email your question. Just DM me a question. And I would be happy to answer it. Especially if I if I think that other people are in the same situation and could use the resources that I share. So yes, so let's get into it. Let's do it. At one point in my life, I was quote unquote straight size. And I got straight size after some brutal dieting, starvation, basically over exercising, abusing my body. And I lost weight and became what I would now say is thin but I didn't feel thin at the time, right? I know a lot of straight size people don't identify with that word of thin because you never really small enough to be thin, according to society, right? So anyway, I was straight sized and before I lost weight, I presumed that when I became small, all of this super cool stuff was going to happen in my life. And in some of it Now I look back and I'm like, That is so funny. Like why? Why would Did you think that and other things I'm like, oh Victoria or I understand I've, I feel for you and and it's not my fault that I believed in this magical thinking because diets, diet companies, and society as a whole hates fat bodies and makes it seem like having a thinner body or smaller body is going to get you these super cool things. So I'm going to list them out for you. And I'm curious if any of these resonate with you if you've had the same feelings. So the first thing was around men, like I thought, you know, Brad Pitt was going to suddenly contact me and find my email address and be like, Baby, I've been waiting all this time for you to lose weight. And now I'm in love with you. Obviously, not actually, Brad Pitt. Men basically would be like, Oh, my God, fall at my feet. It'd be like a movie scene, you know, like, I'd be walking down the street, and men would be so distracted by my thinness, that they'd walk into a lamppost. And I'm like,

Unknown Speaker 6:25

Just another day is then me, you know, just men falling over themselves to be near me,

Unknown Speaker 6:30

obviously. I thought that I would become richer, like money would rain from the skies, right? I'd get an immediate pay raise. And if you this is actually true, you know, thing people do get paid more than fat people. It's true. But I thought it'd be like this really pretty quick thing. Like, my bosses would be like, Wow, she's really worked hard to lose weight, we can see what a hard worker she is. And we should give her a pay rise. And I remember in my, I was working in a call center at the time, and every, like, we'd have meetings. And we'd share, like, what was going on with our work and stuff. And I would always share how much I weighed. It's so weird. Now I'm like, why the fuck would I do that? But then, you know, I thought, you know, it was me becoming a better person. And everyone would always be like, Oh, great job. But if me if I like, Cara Victoria was in that meeting, and someone was like, I weighed this much today, and I've lost this much weight this week, I'd be like, shut the fuck up knowing God. I don't care about how much you weigh, like chill. Anyway, I also thought that I would become super confident. Now at that time, when I was looking at working in a call center, I was so shy. I was I could barely talk to people on the phone, I would do everything I could to not have to talk to another human being. I, I was just so different from what I was today. And so I thought that having less fat on my body would mean that my brain would change. And I'd be like, I've arrived now I'm competent. I thought that my boyfriend, I had been dating a guy for a while. He would be like, Oh my God, you have now this incredible version of Victoria. And I'm in love with you even more. And you're so sexy. And I presume that he would like, I know, have pictures of me in his wallet and show his colleagues work. And you know, he'd be so proud of this, you know, trophy girlfriend who was so thin. In reality actually, he was disappointed because he he was like, Oh, your tits. I've got smaller, which is problematic in itself. But he was. He wasn't that interested, really. I thought that when I would go to clothing stores that I be like, Hey, everybody, look at me. I'm wearing a size, whatever its size I was wearing like, oh my god, like I'm so proud of this size. But in reality I was I wasn't proud of the size that I was. I was more proud than when I was fatter, but I was still like, well, I could be thinner. But it was never enough. I could be thinner. You know, my my, my friend that I'm shopping with is a size smaller than me and you know, if I was her size, then I would be happy. I thought that people would treat me in wonderful and fabulous ways especially men. Like, it was a lot to do with my desirability with men, you know, they'd see me and they'd be like, rushed to open the door for me and it just be like, obsessed with me. And my life in general, I thought it would become like this, you know, magical running through fields of flowers and rainbows and sunshine all the time, and I would be happy. And my life would be just better. Because I had less adipose tissue on my body, like I thought my brain chemistry would change. And, you know, any mental health issues that I was dealing with would just dissolve away because you know, now I'm Finn's because, you know, thin people don't have problems, right? Wrong. I also thought that I would become healthy. And I would just be, I'd be an athlete, like, I would love eating only salad. And I would have no interest in quote, unquote, unhealthy food. And I'd be like, I probably be in the Olympics, probably. You know, at least I'd be, you know, like some champion marathon runner.

Unknown Speaker 11:28

Not that I'd ever run a marathon before. But you know, that's what happens when you're a thin person, right? I thought that my family would love me more. And my mom would be so proud of me. And like, I would become the golden child. My mum has six children. So I'd be like, well, if I'm the finished one, then I'd be the most loved the most worthy. And as you know, what mums say like, Hey, when you're a kid, you're like, who's your favorite? Who do you love the most? And you're like, I love you all equally. And it's true, right? So I thought that I would easily be able to stay fit. And once I became thin, and I would be able to live my life forevermore as a thin, judgmental person looking on looking down on all the fatties in the world being like, well, I did it. Why couldn't you do it? Obviously, you see my body now, if that didn't happen, and I was so Oh, my God, I was such a knob when I was losing weight. I was like, This is so easy, just like don't eat anything ever. And then you'll become thin. Why did everyone do this? Like I was such a dick. And I thought that I had this immense willpower that was never gonna falter. And all the other people who didn't lose weight, were just making excuses. And they were disgusting. And you know, I could do it, why can't they do it? Another thing is, I thought that all of a sudden, I would become Uber, Uber fashionable, and wearing styles that just came off the runway. You know, even though before I hadn't been Uber fashionable, I just thought, you know, thin people are fashionable. So it's going to be part of who I am now. I'm just going to be so fashionable, I'm probably going to be you know, on runway shows, and you know, in the front row, and, you know, there with my sunglasses making notes being like, Oh, yes, I like that style, and blah, blah, just because I was thin. No, that didn't happen. No. I thought my friendships would become better. I thought that my job would suck less. Uh, basically, I thought that it would solve all problems in life, and make me extremely happy, extremely desirable to the opposite sex. And never sad again. Because how can you be sad if you have a thin body? Because isn't that what life is about? Right? Isn't that what life is about having a thin body? Well, guess what? That stuff didn't happen. None of that shit happened. I never got a call from Brad Pitt. Like what the fuck? Hello. And at the time, it would have been Brad Pitt because this is like I'd know 1012 years ago. Now it'd be like, I know Channing Tatum or well Smith or something. I'm still eating like what the hell? The truth is, the truth is that becoming straight sized. What it gave me was extreme, disordered eating habits and patterns. Terrible self esteem. I was fixated on my body in a way that I hadn't previous Sleep been like before, like, I hated my body, but I'd be constantly, you know, body checking and just thinking about food all the time thinking about calories. I was so I was so boring to be around, I actually lost friendships because all I talked about was food and judging others for what food they were eating. And so if my friend was I remember being at lunch with my colleagues, and one colleague having this packet of crisps and me saying, well, that packet, Chris has 17 calories more than this packet of crisps. So you should have eaten this packet of crisps. And she was just like, well, I like these crisps. And I just remember being like, why the fuck would you want to eat a different version of a packet of crisps, which has 17 more calories? Like what's wrong with you? And you know, she's probably just thinking, leave me the fuck alone to eat my crisps, like, chill. Oh, my God, if I was around me, at that time, I would have been like, 17 more calories, bitch, oh, it tastes oil shows and never had lunch with me ever again. I also remember I had a boyfriend at the time. I also forced him to go on a diet with me. So my boyfriend was he wasn't fat. He was straight sized.

Unknown Speaker 16:27

But, you know, I wanted him to support me in this journey. And, and he lost, he lost like he lost loads of weight. And I was he got like, a certificate and shit. And I was like, super jealous. And everyone's like, Oh, he's, you know, he's so cool and handsome and stuff. And I'm like, fuck you. And, yeah, so he obviously ended up putting putting weight back on too because you know, diets don't work. I was actually less successful in my career because I was so focused on becoming thin. So focused on becoming thin, so obsessed with with it, and with food and everything that had to do with dieting, that I could not be as good as my at my job as as I could have been. Not only because of that, but also when you're dieting, your brain is so distracted, like your brain, your brain is like, please, for the love of God, I'm starving, feed me pulleys. And you're trying to go about your normal day. And so it's no wonder you're constantly thinking about food, and, you know, when you're allowed to eat, and what you're allowed to eat, and all that type of stuff. So you can't function as a normal human being because you were literally starving. I didn't love myself. I didn't think that I was quote, unquote, like straight size, or average size or whatever, I still thought I was too fat. I was still like, well, I'm still quite chubby. You know, I remember saying to my boyfriend sitting in the pub with my boyfriend, and saying to him, like, who's thinner out of me and a friend of mine. And he was like, Oh, she's she's fitter. And I remember being like, Oh, God is like so devastating. And just constantly, you know, comparing myself and thinking that I didn't measure up and thinking that I needed to lose even more weight, and not feeling like I looked better in clothes, I still thought I looked bad. Of course, what I didn't realize at the time is that there were benefits I didn't realize about and I had moved into a privileged group. So I'd moved from being a fat person into being a straight size person. And so being in that new privileged group within society did have benefits, like people presuming that I was healthy because I was thin, or being able to actually buy clothes in a store. Or knowing that I could fit on a roller coaster like the world was made for me, but I didn't I didn't understand any of those benefits or, or knew anything about that. I didn't understand privilege at that time. Also, that that dip into privilege was was temporary, obviously, because diets don't work. At my thinnest, I was my most disordered and when I got to this, this thin state this straight size body State, I was really unwell. Really mentally unwell. And I don't know about my I don't know about my physical health at that time. But I I remember about my mental health, like I was the one. So I did Weight Watchers and I was the one at Weight Watchers that weighed people. And I would see this constant struggle, you know, because I'd be like, Oh, you've lost weight, you've put on weight, you've you stayed the same or whatever. And then I'm saying, like, I don't understand, I didn't, you know, I didn't eat anything or, or I'm so ashamed. All I'm so happy. I'm a good person now and everything changing about their day, because they had lost weight or didn't lose weight. And, you know, that's kind of saying, what, what, I don't understand why this is happening or not happening. And when, like, with Weight Watchers, I was like, okay, so this is temporary, right? I'm gonna starve myself, myself.

Unknown Speaker 20:45

I'm following the rules, like, you know, how they read, maybe you don't know, but they say you're allowed X amount of points a day. And it's all to do with your, your size, and I think you'll gender anyway, it's like, how many how much calories you're allowed in a day. And I thought, Oh, this is temporary, I can do this temporarily. It doesn't matter how long it takes, I'm going to follow the rules, I'm going to do everything perfectly. I had like all the accessories, like the points calculator like this before you had smartphones, right. And a book that I carry around with me that had calories of everything, like in different restaurants, different brands of food and stuff. Like I did it, according to what Weight Watchers told me to. And so I thought, Okay, this is temporary, right? I'm going to let go and I'm going to become thin, and then I'll be allowed to eat food again. And then when I did become thin, I was like, when is this going to stop and I would see people who had been in the Weight Watchers group for years, for years and years and years. And you know, my leader, she was she was a straight size woman. And she used to be fat. And she had been doing it for years. And she said, The only reason she's a leader is because it forces her to keep thin. And I was like what? So I have to do this forever. And by that point, my willpower because willpower is not something that you have, you know, an endless supply of my willpower. I was getting pretty fucking pissed off because I you know, my life had been put on hold for however long it took me I can't remember maybe I don't know, a year or something. You know, not going out. And then if I go if I went out somewhere then having to like the next morning, calculate, how much was that kebab and I had two pints of beer and how much is that? Okay, so tomorrow I can only, you know, eat one tomato or whatever. And it wasn't living and eating such a tiny amount of food. Such a tiny amount of food and exercising. With no joy at all. It was not sustainable. You know? So, I was always an overachiever and I overachieved in, in losing weight. Like, I followed all the rules, and I did it. And I almost became a leader. So I was weighing people I was selling like, you know, the bars and the accessories. And my leader was like, I want you to become a leader. And I was like, Yeah, fuck, yeah, you know, I'm gonna teach all these families how to be thin and, and as well, I was going to be featured in the magazine as a success story. And I'm so pleased that none of that ever happened. Like, I had already caused so much harm to the people in my life. By, you know, everything that I mentioned before being like 17 calories, just by dieting and being vocal about it. And you know, in my weekly meetings being like 50 pounds, or whatever, I don't really call so much hurt. And imagine the amount of hurt and pain I would have caused if I had been a leader. If I had been in the Weight Watchers magazine and being like, me so thin and amazing. And also the hurt that would have would have caused me the amount of shame that I felt after I stopped going to those weekly meetings. The amount of pain I felt when people said, Oh, you've you've put on weight was immense. And I can't ever imagine what that would have been like if I also were, you know, a leader or if I was in the magazine, it would have been even more it would have been like, oh, here look, you used to be thin and happy. And now you're so fat and horrible. Yeah, so what did you think that you'd get from dieting? What miraculous magical things did you think that was going to come into your life? And do you still kind of hold on to those things or what will happen if you lose weight, and some are of course legitimate, like moving into a more privileged group? It has benefits. Absolutely no doubt, but at what cost? At what cost? Is it sustainable? Are you able to move into a privileged group? And and stay there? And when you're there, are you actually harming your physical and mental health because you are not eating and you're over exercising and you're obsessed with your way and you can't live? Right? So you kind of like to have to balance out the ideas is a tricky one. It's a tricky one, right? And, yeah, it sucks that the diet industry makes us think that

Unknown Speaker 25:44

if we lose weight, then literally we're going to be like shitting rainbows and ridiculous stuff I want to talk about now, after I left Weight Watchers, and my leader was like, I'm really worried about you. What if you put on weight, you're gonna put on weight, if you know, come to the meetings, and I was like, I can't do this anymore. I literally, I need to eat some food. Because I had not been eating food for months and months and months. But yeah, I'd be eating food. But you know, it'd be like, oh, you know, the skin of a pear and, you know, the dust of the dust of oranges that had lived in a box or, you know, like nothing. And so I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. My body was just like, Victoria, your fucking eating. And, you know, just see what happens. So I stopped. And obviously I put on weight because my body was like, thank God and we need to keep this weight. Because we don't know what you're going to do. Are you going to start to starve again, like what's going on? And so then I had to move into my old habits of disguising my fatness and disguising my body. Now I know a lot of people do this a lot of fat people and straight sides. People do this to try and disguise their body and some of the things like remembering and looking back at some of the ways I used to disguise was disguise my body. I'm like, Oh my God, that's so fucking funny. But obviously, it's still it's like very painful. The reason why but I want to share some of these things with you and see if you did any of these things. Some of these things are so fucking weird that you're like, No, I, I have never done that. But some you might relate with so

Unknown Speaker 27:38

yeah, I wasn't fooling anyone with any of these things. Right? That's the thing is, the thing is like when you know, that people like, you know, or anyone we like, Okay, well, we want to wear black because it makes us look smaller. And, you know, wear a dress, it looks like this and not this shape, because it makes you look smaller. And, and in my mind, I would always be like, Okay, what time were black? Or if I were a shape like this, then it would literally be an optical illusion. And people would be like, Oh my god,

Unknown Speaker 28:12

are you like,

Unknown Speaker 28:15

oh my god, you're so like, it would disguise who I was as a person. But it didn't it was just me as a fat person wearing black, you know, I was still fat. I wasn't tricking anyone. Not that I needed to trick people. But, you know, I in my mind, it made me think that I looked thinner. But I didn't because I was fat. So one of the things I used to do was buy clothes in sizes that were too small, just in case, my label was to stick out. And someone would be like, Oh my God, she's a size medium. She must be very thin. She must be thin. When really I should have been wearing I'd know a to eggs. If I so if I did actually buy something that was the size that I actually needed. Then, as soon as I got home, I'd be cutting that label out like, you know, immediately the first thing that I'd be doing would be putting the labels in the bin because the pain of seeing the size that I was that I was on a label was just too much right and if for any reason I had a label that was smaller than my actual size and you know I might accidentally like put it out on my thing but like oh, did you see

Unknown Speaker 29:37

I'm wearing Amenia

Unknown Speaker 29:41

also wearing clothes that were deliberately too small for me thinking that it would make me smaller. I know some people do the opposite like they were bagging up baggy clothes, but I would wear clothes that was smaller to try and kind of a I'm trick my brain into thinking that I was smaller when they were just too small for me, they were just as over me. Another thing that I would do as a teenager is that I thought that big feet, if I had big feet, it would balance out my fat body. And so I thought, the bigger the feet, the better. And so I remember buying trainers, sneakers, a pair of Reebok classics, very cool. Two sizes too big. Now I already had big fee. So UK size a US size 10. So I already had big V, and I bought like size 12 men's shoes. And I'd be walking around like a clown like flip flopping like my my feet, you know, just way too big, way too big. So that people in my mind, I thought people would look at the size of my feet. And they'd be like, Oh, those big feet really balanced out that fat body. I don't think she's actually that fat. The feet really balanced now. But then that that idea didn't last that long. Because when I got a little older, I decided that actually it was small feet. That would make me look thinner. When my best friend so my best friend was she was very short. And she had very small feet like she had the smallest feet. You know, the small, smallest shoe size you can get I don't know what that is, I don't know three or something. And I had the biggest feet and we would all always kind of compare the size of our feet. I think we she did. Like she would look be like oh look at the size of your foot so giant now but like, Oh, haha, so funny. But then secret inside, I'm like, Oh my God. My feet are so big. And I'm so big and fat and horrible. And, and so I would want to try and disguise my feet in shoes that would make my feet look smaller, and buy shoes that were too small. Like, some of the shoes that I bought was so painfully small for me. I'd be like walking, you know, hobbling and being like, oh, yeah, but I'm wearing a size seven shoes, though. I must be then. Like, I just think like, and I'm like, what, what's what were you thinking silly billy. So and something else that I used to do was, I would eat food with a teaspoon instead of a normal sized spoon. Because I thought that eating with a teaspoon would make me appear very dainty. Very, you know, all I couldn't possibly eat more than three Rice Krispies at a go. Because I'm so dainty and delicate and not fat at all. I can only eat tiny amounts of food because I'm not greedy. I don't use a big spoon. Like the rest of people in the world, I just use a tiny little teaspoon. Yeah, and I did that for years and years and years. Same when with glasses that I would drink out of like, I wouldn't want to ever drink a pint of beer. You know, like the full size beer, I would always want to have small dainty type drinks, you know, like cocktails or, or things in tall glasses, things that that would make me look more feminine and not big and you know, big and fat. Also, I would do the things like you know, not wearing stripes and wearing black and all that type of stuff and wearing clothes that would try and disguise my belly or my bum and constantly tugging it down that type of thing. Another thing is that not having short hair. So I thought if you're fat, you should have long hair because it makes you more feminine, and it also disguises your fatness. So if you are fat and have short hair, then you're kind of showing your fatness to the world. Like I don't understand. I don't understand my logic with that one. I understand like the feminine thing but of course, you know you can have short hair and be feminine, but I thought you know, this is a thing right? In the fact communities that fat people have to be ultra feminine too.

Unknown Speaker 34:32

Get the same kind of feminine status as a thin person who's who is not Ultra feminine. Because then a lot of times fatness is not seen as feminine, but then sometimes it's hyper sexualized, so it's complicated, right? Yeah, so I would never have my hair the the shortness I have it right now because that would just be like, I think oh my god would everyone would notice I'm fat. If I have short hair I would also squeeze my body into Spanx and Spanx that were not the right size for me. So not Spanx that fit my body. But you know, any any type of Spanx, but you know Spanx that were too small. So it didn't matter that I couldn't meet, breathe, or move, or face imminent death from this squishing of my organs. I was like, Well, I've successfully tricked people into thinking that I was really thin. Right? faxes is a difficult one, right? Because a lot of times people like it because it smooths out their bodies. But it's it's basically something which is trying to make your body look not like what it is. So yeah. Do you remember, I don't know if you're around at this time, but when I was a teenager, grunge was really in like the rocker style. And so you remember, like a big, wide jeans that dragged on the floor and hoodies and that type of thing. So I was really into that. And one of the Styles was to have a really long belt, like a really long Canvas type belt around your waist, and then it was so long that it would dangle down like to your knees like the rest of the belt. And so like, I think that was like an American style. And it came to came to the UK. So about I could not find a belt that fit my body at all get round at all, nevermind about the dangle down. And so what I did was I got a belt. And I I put it just through two loops in my belt in my jeans, and then had the whole thing dangling down. And so that people would be like, Oh, she's so thin that she can wrap that belt around her. And it's dangling down so long, and I'd have my big jumper over and so there's no way anyone would ever see that. It's actually only in like, two belt loops. And I'd be like, Yeah, man. This belt is so around my body. And it's hanging down. And yeah. Yeah. So looking back now, I'm like, this is pretty funny. But you know, it's I also on my own poor, sweet, sweet Victoria, she was trying to bear she was doing a best and reasons why, you know, it's very painful. The reasons why we do these funny things. And, you know, we can we can laugh at ourselves and be like, oh, you know, we're funny that we, we did these silly things, but also recognizing that the reason why we do these things, is because there is a deep sense of pain behind that. And the idea of having to accept that you do have a fat body in my mind, having to accept that I had a fat body meant having to accept that my life was never going to start. My life was over. I had a life sentence of misery. And so of course, I was going to try and disguise the fact that I was fat to try and fit in because then if I fit in, then I would have the chance of getting a boyfriend or getting a job or you know, having a fairytale life. But if I was fat, I believed that that could not happen. And, you know, I can think of many times of me trying to fit in which you know, that weren't funny, or just sad. Like, I remember going it's I mean school being about 1414 years old. There are these things called nappy night. So nappy is a British word for diaper. Okay, sure. You're not British.

Unknown Speaker 38:46

And so nightclubs in the city in the town would open their doors to children. And then we would go, it'd be like on a Wednesday night or Tuesday night or whatever. And I remember I had these new friends. So I got into this new group of friends who were cooler than my current group of friends. And I'm like, immediately ditched my old friends because some cooler people paid a tiny bit of interest in me, and I'm like, Cool. They're fucking losers, even though they'd been my friends for years. Like, I'll do victory. Anyway. And so I was hanging out with these new friends. So so there was three, there was four of us three new friends, and they were all thin. And so the night of so we went to school, and then we went to town to go shopping because I needed to buy an outfit for that evening. Now, they all have their outfits. And so they were going to go shopping with me and they were like, Let's go to this store. Let's go to this store. Let's go to this store. And all the stores they were suggesting were stores that didn't carry my size. And there was no way in a million years. I was going to say nothing in this store fits me because it was a more A lot of firing they, there's no way I could have said that. And, and so we'd be going to the store and they were like, do you like this? Do you like this, and I'm like, Oh, I don't know, not really my style, trying to deflect it, and they were getting frustrated with me. And so, you know, they'll be like, try this, try this. And so then I'd go into the changing room, and stand in the changing room, just, you know, waiting a few minutes, because there's no point of me even trying these clothes on because there were many sizes too small. And standing there, you know, for a suitable amount of time, and then coming out being like, oh, no, didn't really like any of them. And they were getting really pissed off with me. And, you know, our, you know, I think, you know, the time we're going on, and we're getting close, or we had to go. And eventually there were these, this pair of pedal pushers in this one store that had some elastic in them. The waist wasn't elastic, but the legs were and so they said, I said, Oh, this one, this one this, this will do. I went and tried it on, and the waist because it wasn't elastic, like, like, cut me in half. And you know, my belly was hanging out over the thing. And I just thought, you know, at least I'm gonna have something. So I bought these these pedal pushers. And it looked, it looked really bad. And and I felt so uncomfortable. And I had to draw like, I had this like little coat with me. And so I was trying to use the coat to cover what was going on. And I tried to cut the, the waistband. So that, you know, it would give me some more more room. And so the waistband was was like, totally cut it in the bathroom. And this was so painful as like a 14 or 15 year old, you know that I couldn't have the I didn't have the capability to say, Oh, actually, this is one store here that carries my size. And even if it did, like I wouldn't have gone and picked up my size for the fear that they would have seen what size I was and then being like, oh my god, she's that size. To the point where I had to then go to this this nappy night with all like boys that I fancied, you know, being so uncomfortable and wearing something that was was, you know, a little weird, because it was literally like having a rope tied around my waist as tight as possible. And then, you know, because the waistband was just absolutely cutting into me. Anyway. And so that's just like one painful experience of something pretty simple and something that a lot of fat people have experienced in life. I bet you know how many fat people have, you know, been ashamed of what close eyes they were. And so, of course, if we have these negative experiences and these these these deep, dark, painful emotions and, and things behind what being fat means, of course, we're going to do things to try and disguise our fatness, of course, we're going to think that if we lose weight, then everything will be good in the world, everything will be good and in our life. And society reinforces that like, so that's not something we've just picked out in our brains, and we just magically came up with society has told us diet companies have told us that we need to get thin because these things will happen. And if we are not fitting them, we need to disguise our bodies to make them look thin. Which makes sense. It makes sense. So if you're doing any of these things now don't feel bad. Like, you know, I can I can look back and be like, Oh, it's

Unknown Speaker 43:41

so funny that I did some of these things when I was a teenager and whatnot and as an adult as well. And I believe some of these things. Because now I can see that it's not based in reality and some of the things were were silly, right? Where my clown shoes but, you know, you don't have to disguise yourself. You don't have to dye it to get to this place where you can love your body and, and have good things happen in your life and find a partner and and go on adventures and have fun and all that type of stuff. You don't you know, you don't have to do that you can get that now in the body that you currently have. Because the reality is that it's okay to be fat. In fact, I think it's fucking fabulous. I think it's a superpower of mine in my fatness. And now obviously I show my fat off any any opportunity that I have. Because, of course for me it became so tiring to hide myself but also for others so they can see that you know, a fat person a fat body living loud and proud and and so then it's more normalized. And other people can see that being fat isn't In a life sentence of misery, and how, hey, look, there's that fat person wearing a string bikini and they didn't die from shame. Which I thought that that might happen. Yeah, so let's try and stop doing things that disguise who we are especially the things that make us feel uncomfortable, that make us feel sad, that make us have to spend money and go out of our way to do things that make us feel preoccupied preoccupied. Like another thing, I just thought about it. In the in the summer, I'd be wearing hoodies all the time. Even though I was sweating my fucking tits off, and was so uncomfortable. I remember going into an exam when I was 15. Doing my exams at school, and a hot summer's day, me wearing my gap hoodie that I bought, like a so proud that I was able to afford a gap hoodie. And my might my car keys, khaki trousers anyway, and in the exam hall, it was so hot, but there was not a chance in hell that I was going to take my hoodie off to make myself feel more comfortable. So I would rather be uncomfortable and sweating and probably do worse on my exams than take my hoodie off. And people see what my body looked like under my hoodie. And that was you know, that's just one example. I do that all the time, like, you know, be uncomfortable sweating or be uncomfortable with people seeing your body like for me I'd rather than sweat. And then people will like, Oh, why don't you tell you how to find your heart? I'd like the cold actually, do you have a hat? When it's like, a million degrees out and everyone's in bikinis or whatever. Yeah, so make sure that you go and check out if you want to get to a place where you you're not doing these, these these things, and you are not having to hide and you're not having to believe that weight loss is going to make you an incredible person, get my first fatty body love roadmap. This is an incredible resource that I have made for you. And inside it, you get the three easy steps to follow to increase your body confidence, and the three massive mistakes that everyone makes, and how to avoid them when it comes to learning to love their fat body. And also, you'll be invited to join my facebook community first fatty friends and get body love trainings sent straight to your inbox. And it's free. It's free for you. So go check it out. It will be in the links below. And thank you for hanging out with me today. And I hope you resonated with some of the things that I said today. And yeah, tell me tell me some of the things that you've done or some of the things that you've believed I'd love to hear it and the the weirder, the better. Anything super weird, and yeah, I really want to hear that. So yeah, so tell me and thanks for hanging out with me today. You're incredible. I really appreciate you sticking around and being here and I hope you have an amazing day. So I'm gonna say See you later. Crocodile in a while. Alligator.

Unknown Speaker 48:33

Okay, bye