Episode 107 Transcript

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Welcome to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm your host, Victoria Welsby and this is episode 107. Today, we're talking about be sassy and badassy (aka know your worth).

I'm Victoria Welsby TEDx speaker, Best Selling Author and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self esteem to being a courageous and confident fifth party who loves every inch of this jelly. society teaches us living in a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed? Or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century? So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the first fatty podcast Let's begin.

Hello, hello. Welcome to this episode. Did you miss me, I was away for a couple of weeks. Had a had, quote unquote, time off. I did a bad job of taking time off is one time quote unquote. I worked pretty much all of it. But I didn't do the podcast. So I'm sorry. But I'm back. Don't worry. I'm back. I'm back. And yeah, I'm excited to be here with you today. Hey, listen, lesson lesson up here. You know how Spotify does the end of year thingamajig. For individuals, they do it for podcasters, too. So I thought you might be interested in some of the podcast stats. So Spotify tells me your show made some new friends in new places. You got streams in new places for new countries. Shout out to you if you live in one of these countries got new streams and these four new countries. Costa Rica, Latvia, Colombia, and Estonia.

Hello, if you're listening to one of those countries. Next up, ultimately, your podcast was played in 51 countries. Amazing. Hello. If you're in a country, you're listening. Hello of your human being and you're listening in our country. And you had some impressive growth this year. Plus 157% followers, plus 156% hours, plus 116%. Streams and plus 65% listeners. Oh, an extra 65% listeners. That's good. That's good. Yay. Thank you. And 104 fans listen to your podcast more than any other podcast if you want to lose 104 Hello, actually, I put this on my Instagrams and a couple of people reached out saying I'm one of the 104.

So shout out to Jess R and Lauren see who is what, who are one of my top listeners, if you're one of the top listeners. Thank you, thank you. I've rejected every good at a lot. I guess you know what, what makes probably someone you know generally, you know, listening is regular content. That's probably what it is. Right? Like if someone he really liked my podcast, but I only released, you know, an episode a month, then they wouldn't be a top listener because they will probably listen to other episodes or something else more. Hmm. So I think that's like a key, isn't it? It's like, regular content. So yeah, interesting. Yes. And finally, you release 2217 minutes of content across 39 episodes. So that'd be from January to November.

So yeah, yes, yes. Yes. I do anyways, like I hate it when you go back to your like one of your favorite podcasts, and they haven't made a new show. I've been waiting for five weeks for one of my favorite podcasts to do a new show. So rude of them. My favorite. One of my favorite podcasts is this podcast will kill you, which is about science, diseases and they talk about like, what the disease or illness or whatever it is does The body in the history of that thing is really interesting.

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I love anything like gross and creepy. And yeah. So if the owners of that podcast happened to be one of my listeners, can you please make another episode because I'm missing out on it. But listen, I feel like I just have big that I know how much it takes to prepare for an episode of my podcast, and especially one which is, has science stuff in it? To prepare for that podcast, which is 100% science stuff. I can't even imagine it must take forever. So I understand why it takes a while to make a maker. Make an episode.

So anyway, anyway, anyway, Hey, did you see this thing? Did you see this thing? I got a message from this woman. I've told you before Diana, Diana, no. Diana, from a TV production company emailed me Diana says, Hi Victoria. I'm Diana and I work out, blah, blah, blah studios. In the marketing department. My role here is social media influences. My project is finding influencers that may be interested in gastric sleeve surgery. I have spoken with my boss, which is a marketing director, and he feels that you may be a good match. Question one. Are you open to or thought about gastric sleeve surgery? If the answer is yes, would you consider having gastric sleeve surgery? If the answer is yes, I need to set up a zoom call with our executives that oversee marketing. This is my email. I look forward to hearing from you. And so I took that to Instagram and Instagram gave me a good response and said, Give me a couple of ideas. So the first message I returned to Diana A few days later was hi Diana. Oh, gee, I saw the sleeve in this year's New York Fashion Week. I'd love to wear one. Tell me more. Because you're saying you want to get a gastric sleeve on so I'm saying oh, the sleeve looks amazing. A certain New York Fashion Week as in sleeve clothing. And then responded. Hi, Victoria. Thanks for answering in case you are considering having a bariatric surgery. We can speak via zoom. Are you considering it? If so, it'll be a pleasure to speak to you about our project proposal. Let me know. And we can set up a Zoom meeting.

So I finally sent Diana a little message in response like it was been a month or so and I was like oh yeah, I need to do that. And I sent her Diana a message saying Diana, please see attached. And I attached an image of me in a sports bra. And some added ass trousers with my belly very much exposed. And my friend very kindly read a little message on my tummy for me. That message read suck on my swinging tips, Diana and I'm there with my two middle fingers up. Give them Diana nice little smile. beautiful portrait of me. Very happy Christmas tree behind me. Gorgeous. Send that to Diana she didn't respond. Oh Diane I'm so sad. And that was two weeks ago very rude. Diana didn't respond um so yeah, that was cool. Diana Why are you sending me these messages? Yeah, like oh me and my boss of me and my boss think you might be a good fit. Oh really? Did you spend naught point naught naught naught naught naught naught naught naught point naught 1% Looking at my anything to do with me my email address fears fatty.com I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I guess you know, a lot of people. I guess a lot of people who are like fat positive probably wouldn't go for it. Right.

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So, yeah, that's Diana. Something I'm doing on New Year's Eve. 2021. Is I in the daytime at noon, noon PST is I'm having a gender celebration ceremony to celebrate my non binary pneus. And to reveal my new name to the world, when I say the world, my friends and loved ones, and then to the world, but basically my one of my friends, she birthed the child. And before she birthed the child, she had a like, mother's ceremony thing with a doula. And it was so cool and like, and I was just like, oh, this is so cool. And then she said to me, Oh, what have you done to celebrate? You're coming out as non binary. And I was like, Oh, nothing, you know, I made an Instagram post. And she was like, would you want to do a proper celebration? And I was like, I think about it. And so I've been thinking about it for a few months.

And then eventually, I was like, You know what, yeah, I can do it. And so she's got she's, she's got all these different ideas. And I came up with some ideas of what we can do with a ceremony to mark this. And then are we changing my name on on things? Oh, I didn't think about changing my email. Anyway, anyway, so like, Victoria, I don't have strong feelings against Victoria. Like, for me, it wouldn't be a dead name. It would be something that if someone called me Victoria, I don't really care. But when I kind of give my nicknames, I'll be going by that mine, my, my, when I say nicknames, the variations of of Victoria like Vic, which is cool. And my new name, which I've mentioned here before, but I'm going to pretend is a secret, because you've never you've not heard it. And so it's not gonna be like, Oh, if someone calls me Victoria, then that's it, then you know, it's wrong. It's just that there's going to be this preferred name, which is also the name that I'll go by. But I'm kind of relaxed about it. And that's just me, right? That's just my non binary journey. But others it would be really bad to call them by their, their dead name. It's called the Dead name, right. So yeah, that's just me. But I'll talk about more when, in January, once I've done done the gender celebration ceremony. Another update got, I've only been gone for two weeks. And I'm like only today's important stuff.

Yesterday, I released my first fatty consulting website. So first party consulting.com. And so this is for people who are anti diet professionals. So dietitians, nutritionists, personal trainers, coaches, therapists, anyone who is in the anti diet world or anyone who who's not, but are anti diet themselves and has a business and wants to add either training to their business. And so for example, if you're a nutritionist, and you have an online course, or you have one on one services, and you want to you know that as a straight sized person, you can't talk to about weight bias fatphobia living in a bigger body, all that type of jazz, then you can purchase training from me and add that to your program, use it forever. So we have three different trading options. And you can buy all three in a bundle and get a discount training one, dealing with people who still subscribed to diet culture and fat phobia training to how to survive a bad body image day, week or month training, three, untangling internalized weight bias, or you can get it all together in a bundle and also get a bonus, which is how to make your business fat positive. Or, if that's not the right fit for you, we also have staff training so I can come in and train your team on how to be that positive. And finally auditing and so if you have any type of

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online presence if you have your your your course material, your blog posts, internal communications videos, and you want someone to look at them to see if there's any big boo boos happening in regards to hurting fat people. And I can do that too. So that is face ID consultant, go and have a look you can you can just go and buy things, buy the training, immediately add it to your course immediately. Or you can contact me on there, tell me what you're looking for. We can work together make some magic happen. Sounds good. Sounds good.

And the thing is like you know more and more people are looking for this type of thing and outside of the anti diet world companies looking for trends on how to not be balanced to fat people, which is really cool to see. But still there is a lot of, you know, like when I, when I go in talking to companies, there is still a lot of let's position as a as how to love your body because talking about fat phobia is you know too much too much for some people, which is, you know, that's the way it is, hopefully in 10 years time, we'll be like, oh, let's talk about this really has really talked about this. Yeah. So today, I thought that I was, I would read a couple of excerpts from my book, my book called phase fatty. And talk about that. Talk about that. Is that okay? You can download? Or you don't? Even Yeah, yeah. Alright, so I'm gonna read a couple of chapters. The first is chapter six. And these are short things, by the way. In my book is like a little book, like a little hand guide type of thing. So chapter six is be sassy and badass. See, aka, know your worth. So my book is an extension of my TED Talk. And so when I did my TED talk, they taught us how to write a book. Like take your TED Talk, expand it and make it into a book. And, yeah, and so there's kind of aspects of my TED talk, and then it kind of, you know, then expands into other things. And I gotta tell you, I gotta tell you, I have a lot of I don't want to say shame, embarrassment. And I know, I don't know, I don't know.

But there's certain things like in my TED Talk, that I'm like now, however many years on three, four years on that I'm like, Oh, I changed that word. And oh, I wouldn't have said that at all. I wouldn't have focused so much on this and that, and I think I made a very palatable, slightly controversial for some people. Well, a lot of people are going to the YouTube comments. Talk, which then expanded into this book, which, you know, there's some things that I say, like in the TED talk, I'm like, Oh, God, I just because I said, find your find your tribe. And try, this is not a word I should be using as a white person. And so like, something like that, I'm like, oh, oh, I wish I had, I wish I wish I had spotted that. But clearly at the time I didn't, which is, you know, love and kindness to Victoria in the past. Anyway, I don't want you to say that because it's wild to me, like, When did I do my TEDx talk? Let me look at it. Let me let me go to YouTube. So you want to do 2018? When is that? Victoria Welsby. TEDx has just reposted it in Feb. 2021? Oh, no, tell it's missing. TEDx put it on their website. Thanks, TEDx. Yeah. 28, march 2018.

So 2017 is when I did a lot of the work for that. So 2017. So that's three, four. So in 2020 will be five years. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. So we're getting for almost a say for four years for five years. Okay,

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I feel better now. I feel better. I feel better. I feel better. Because, wow, I've done so much growth in that time. And I've learned so much. Wow. Really proud of myself now, actually, you know, beginning of like, Whoa, this is like three months ago, and I was so you know, unaware of certain things. And actually, it was for getting on for five years ago, when I was basically a child. And anyway, it's there's still, you know, it's still an incredible talk and lots of beautiful, awesome, wonderful things in it. So I'm just being very self critical right now, which is fun. Fun for me. Actually. I'm doing a lot of work with my therapist on shame. Have you ever heard of parts work? It's so interesting, like, the way she explained it, I really am a person for kind of visualizing certain things. But there's this thing called I think, in terms of total family systems, and it's a concept in therapy. I don't know if it's, it's, it's very popular or well known, or if it's controversial, or anything. I just know from what my therapist has told me, and it's so far been really interesting and helpful, helpful, which is the most important thing, which is there's different parts inside your brain, which are you or something or not you or whatever versions of you, and, and so one of those things could be like shame or Anger, or you as a kid or whatever, I'm probably not doing a great job explaining this because it's a brand new concept for me.

So anyway, I don't know, who came up this idea of them riding the bus driving the bus, if she came up with that, visual, probably, or me, whatever. The idea of who's driving the bus right now. And when we, when we recognize it's shame driving the bus. And we can say to shame, hey, shame, it's okay, you can take a backseat, because really shame shouldn't be driving the bus, it should be you your real authentic, you know, yourself as the higher version of yourself or more most enlightened or most, most happy or whatever, you know. And so, just recognizing just that simple thing of recognizing, okay, what am I feeling right now? Shame, okay, shame. So shame is driving the bus. So what happens when shame drives a bus for me? Most people is you might get defensive, you might, you know, so and so anger might jump up from its seat and say, like, I'm going to take over the wheel. And be like, I'm struggling with shame. And like, you know, anger then takes a wheel or, or, you know, other things like self righteousness or whatever, you know, maybe they're all struggling for the wheel, but the whole you know, most you know, most of what underneath it all is, is shame. And so kind of get guiding shame back to it, see and saying it's okay, you can just hang out back here and I'll take, I'll take over. That whole concept has just just been mind blowing. As soon as I catch myself being like, I feel shame.

Then I was just like, Seamus, Jamie's riding, driving driving the bus right now. Okay, so actually, I can put shame back in it, see, and console and say it's okay. And that's been really, really helpful for me. And, and, you know, what it is, is I didn't realize what I did, but you know, still being on the TV show the echoes of Shane from that. So much shame, shame, shame. And feeling like, you know, losing self worth in, in my, in my, in myself as a person versus, versus my body like, no, because that's all good. But having this kind of loss of self worth that I didn't really quite recognize as about me as a human as a person and that kind of just simmering there. And the way that it manifested itself would be shame and so I'd be in bed and and I'll be like, remember that one time that when you were seven years old, you stole perfume from your sister and hid it in your bag and, and then wore it and then she was like, I can smell that you were in my perfume. And I was like no and it was in my bag the whole time. And I was such an idiot. I was such a bad sister. Oh my god, Leila. And and then I'll be like thinking about this.

And they've been worrying like, I'm such a bad sister. And I believe that and one time, we had a fight and I kicked my sister and did it. And just thinking oh my god, my sister hates me and go into the spiral like me, me and my sister have a great relationship. And and then in my brain being like, Oh, my sister hates me. This because shame was driving the bus shame things. And my sister hates me because when I was I say seven, let's say 1112 Whatever. I still perfume from her. I gave it I gave it back in the end.

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And yeah, it's not really helpful is it? It's not really helpful to be thinking about those things. So no long deviation. What I was going to be talking about but you know, is all these things that I you know, say I love this I love, love, love these types of things. Okay, so chapter six be sassy about Fe okay Know your worth. I love being surrounded by fears fatties and I start going to the extreme. I've got a website eager to share my life changing experiences with everyone. I get supportive comments from people all over the world. But not everyone is pleased with my newfound confidence. My email pins with a new message. You are disgusting. Fat people are unhealthy and pathetic. Fat people are home guzzling lard, milkshakes 24 hours a day contrary to what to some people's beliefs. But of course, you don't need to be healthy to be a worthy human being another message, I'm sorry, if our people can't dance and should be covered from head to toe as a courtesy to humanity. Go back to the see you whale. You could be right. But you never know. One day you may just see a bikini clad dancing whale. And that's reference to that was this is it these are lines from my TED Talk. And so in the end, you never know one day you might see a bikini kind of dancing well, because at the end, I take my clothes off and dance.

So I finally a troll who has a heartwarming wish. fatphobia kills People only in my dreams. fat phobia which in case you're not familiar with is the word is fear dislike or FAT or FAT or FAT or FAT people. My crime living in a fat body without shame. Thanks to these trolls and many more I finally worked out that I don't need to be thin to be worthy thing is when is the thing is when a fat woman thinks she is fabulous or even if she thinks she's just alright. Some people can get a little hot under the collar behind the anonymity of the internet, my comment sections can get interesting. Luckily, I can see these comments for what they are misguided sad, cloaked in misogyny, classism, and pain. Someone who is content with their lot in life is not spending their time writing cruel messages on the internet. And so I give them no power, because truly, that's what they hold. In fact, I now believe that every nasty message represents to people who I've helped. And so the more hate the more impact I'm making in the world. So bring on the trolls. And what a better way to remind me that there's still so much work to do, if everyone agreed with my message, and I wouldn't have the power to change the world, we all have the power to change the world by living in our bodies and ashamed. So this was clearly before I wrote this, clearly, before I went on the TV show where I had medullary runs, well, you know, millions of people watch the show. And I had what it felt like millions of messages, telling me that I was a piece of shirt.

So at that time, when I wrote this, I give them no power. During the aftermath of the BBC show, I did give them power, I gave them a lot of power. Not all of them, mostly people from the community. So when people who there were people, for people who are new to body positivity, who thought body positivity was love Yamane. And so I got messages from those people being like, you, you you were I felt embarrassed as one message I remember, I felt embarrassed that you were I told my friends, this is going to be great, the show is going to be great. And this person represents body positivity. And I was embarrassed when they were there laughing and saying that you were you know, there was something wrong with you and your your views are extreme. So this is someone who's might new to body positivity, because I was just saying, Hey, it's okay to be fat. So but those people who are kind of like, closer versus to people, people who were just like, clearly I hate fat people that they were the messages that really stuck with me.

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Yeah, so now, and as you know, if you're a longtime listener, the messages got so much and actually protecting my mental health because it has become so important that mostly, I'm not in my DMs my, my VA is and so I am not exposed to that stuff anymore because they did have power. So apart from online criticism, you may find that those in your in your real life, I would have said that either because online is real life to are concerned about you loving yourself. So I have created a list of sassy, badass easy ways to respond when people are throwing shade about your appearance, I would have said that either. Your food choices, your lifestyle decisions, of course, you don't have to say anything to anyone. But if you want to take a little sass from here, so here are some, here are some ways to if you want to be sassy and want to be rude. How to respond. Okay, so if someone says you're fat, respond, I know. Thanks for noticing. Don't I look gorgeous? That's my like, my most favorite is when you know because people don't say to me, you're fat. They say you're not fat. We you know, when I say if I meet a new person, and I tell them what to do they know you're not them. And I'll say, well, I'll be like, pretend to be offended that they think that I'm not fat. And be like, what you mean, really? Well. I thought I was Oh no. So continuing if someone says you're fat. Oh, wow. I'm so glad to meet my own personal dietician. Please tell me more about the nutritional value of kale. I'm so sorry. You have to degrade people to feel better about yourself. It's interesting how you think it's appropriate to comment on my body. Do other people know you're this rude with the are you pregnant? Question? Yes, I had a Mexican. I had Mexican for lunch. And so I'm expecting the arrival of a healthy 10 pound burrito sometime this afternoon. Did you really just say that like really? I'm so proud to be fat and FERS baby.

Okay, if someone's says you should do this slash, don't do that. Raise your hand your eyebrow pretending to look for something in the distance and say, I'm sorry, I was just looking for who actually asked you for your opinion. It's cool how you think you know more about my life than I do. Please do continue. Remember when I asked for your opinion? No, me either.

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If I wanted to hear from an ass eyed fart I'm not interested in listening to people's opinions right now.

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I only listen to advice from people who pay my bills. You don't pay me. You don't get a say. That's a that's a kind of like a spin off ripples. Ripple quote from ripple. If then, if then bitches ain't paying your bills if they if they ain't paying your bills paying them bitches no mind why do you think it's appropriate to tell me what to do? If someone says I'm concerned about your health and say if you're really concerned about my health, you can be concerned about my mental health two person says oh my god, have you lost weight? Change the subject. Totally. Nice weather today. Oh, Sweet baby Jesus. I hope not. No, but I look good, don't I? You know, it's probably all this happiness from not dieting. No. Wow, do you monitor my body weight a lot. It must get tiring keeping tabs on me like that. I'm too busy being fabulous to notice my weight. Do you think is appropriate to comment on someone's body? Not if I can help it is weight loss, something that's important to you because it's not to me or the word you can use in any situation. Go fuck yourself. Continuing Oh, the one if you're trying to have a genuine conversation because these are you know, yeah, probably I'm not going to use most of those because the sensitive topic, right? But if you're feeling Safie go do it. Alright. The one if you're trying to have a genuine conversation, hey, I'm trying to work on my body. And so can you try to avoid talking about weight dieting fat as a negative one of the big lines that fat phobic bigots like to say is but what about your health, all the diabetes, cancer heart disease you're spreading? If I could I roll any harder, I'd see the back of my neck. Fat folks don't care about your health. If they did, they wouldn't be fat phobic. They would understand that fat shaming folks is counterproductive. It literally makes people fatter, and simply a dick move. Being fat does not cause all of these scary diseases. Correlation is not causation. Being fat isn't something that people can catch. There is no such thing as the obesity epidemic. We are fed such a fat phobic bullshit from all corners of our life and culture. It's hard to separate fact from fiction. If being healthy is something you want to pursue, then that's good for you.

Also, if being healthy is something that doesn't interest you, then that's also good for you. Neither choice is morally superior and you do not owe help to anyone. Also, being healthy is not something everyone can attain. If you do want to pursue a healthful lifestyle or continue with the healthful lifestyle that you already lead, but don't know what to track without tracking your weight then consider other indicators. Can you move your body in the ways you want to? If not, get a pole and start practicing your high kicks and back bends with flair while shaking your touchdowns like a Polaroid picture? Or whatever floats your boat? Do you feel good in your body? Work out how to feel better without focusing on weight? How about practicing self care building strength giving your body yummy foods to make it happy? Working on your mental health having a glorious nap binge watching the new hit Netflix show or not leaving your house for two days. There's a meme out there that reads patient doctor help. I've been empowered and a steak doctor. Well, have you tried losing weight? It astounds me how weight loss is so often described for no reason when weight loss as we know doesn't work makes people sick and causes folks to be fatter in the long run. Newsflash, there is no such thing as a healthy weight as health and weight are not correlated. Let's say that I think I just should have put a thing in there saying health and weight are not correlated in the ways that we think how there's a construct in valuing healthy bodies is ableist saying that not all doctors have the same attitudes towards us fatties.

There are a lot of there's there are a lot of service providers that work with the Health at Every Size model, which is so damn sad. So goddamn glorious. Haze community has a list of haze perfect nationals blah, blah, blah. Okay, so So what what I want to say about that, what I want to say about, about being Sandy Bassett, about being sassy and badass at so kind of some reminders for myself, maybe if you're listening

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is it's okay to walk away from situations it's okay to charge what you're worth it Life is too short to doubt yourself 24 hours a day, seven days a week. So let's set up like one minutes a day instead, to question the idea that everybody hates you, and thinks that you're horrible, horrible person who smells bad. When I when I went on a day, a few weeks ago, and I wanted to leave, if I had spent one minutes remembering who the fuck I am, I would have walked away. But I had all of these thoughts in my head of No, I literally I should be polite, and bla bla bla bla. And you know, is it that big of a deal if he's a decade and all that type of stuff. If I had spent one minute then of that two, three hours a day, I wouldn't have walked out the door, right.

And I think that's maybe a good place to start is trying to spend one minute just remembering that you are a cool person. So it's a practice though, right? It's a practice. So don't spend all the time outside of that one minute berating yourself for not being a rock star. And I like to look at things logically if I can. So I'll ask myself. Questions about the logic of my thoughts. So is it true that all my friends are friends with me? Because they pity me? And actually secretly hate me? Is that true? Probably not. You know? Probably not. Maybe some of my friends hate me. I don't know. Maybe some of my friends pity me. I don't know. But I don't think that that is what motivates people to be my friends. Right? Is it true that I will never find a romantic partner? Because I'm fat? Probably not. Yes, of course, it's harder, because I'm fat. But is it true that if I do choose to have someone in my life that it's going to be an impossible task? Probably not. Is it true that the because the regional manager is in town, coming to the office, that they are there to fire you? Probably not. And even if they are, then you can probably survive. This used to be such a big one for me when I used to work in recruitment, anytime the regional manager would be in town, or I knew that regional manager was in town, but why they're coming, why they're coming. And you know, the region that the local boss would be like, oh, you know, just visiting, like, this is it this is it. This is when I get fired. Even though I heard that there was no reason for me to get fired. Right? I was, I was good at my job. I was convinced, and they're here to fire me. Guess how many times I got fired by a regional manager? No times zero dive dimes. Yeah.

And so thinking about things logically helps me, it might not help you. But trying to take just a little bit of time, even if it's just 10 seconds to think, you know, I'm worthy. I deserve good things in my life. I'm not a piece of shit. People don't hate me. And if they do, that's okay. You know? So let me read you chapter nine, which is audit your life. Page. 77, if you're reading along, can buy the book on Amazon if you want, if you want, if you want it tonight and audit your life. And that's a part of the process of feeling like a confidence warrior. For me, it was finding images of fatties online and getting rid of all the dialogue and negativity from my social media feed. The next level of this process is something that I call the life audit. For years I've been saying I need to get a better name for the life audit. But alas, if you've got a better name for the life audit, because it wants to fucking audit, no.

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Live audit is something that I will get my clients to do at the very beginning of their journey to bad Asheville The idea is that you look at your life as a whole and notice what things people, people habits, etc and make you feel good. And get more of that in your life and then notice what makes you feel bad and get rid of that shit. There are five areas within our lives to look at social media, friends and family patterns and habits, closet and home activities and social gatherings, social media we have covered covered, find images of diverse people follow folks who look like you search our images or people who come into parts of their body that you hate on yours. For example, hate your saggy boobs follow hashtag saggy boobs matter. There are so many people out there embracing unique and glorious things about themselves. I bet you could find someone who loves what you hate about your self. Also, don't forget to read get rid of everything and everyone that make you feel less than it could mean just unfollowing someone versus unfriending them or putting on putting a pause and seeing them in your newsfeed for a while. Whatever works best for you. Family and friends are the next area. And hoo boy this is tough is this is a tough area to tackle. I used to have friends that I secretly hated. Instead of confronting them or removing them from my life, I would just gossip behind their back. I was not a good friend. I wasn't a good friend because I had low self esteem and didn't have the courage to have tough conversations. Anyone who was emotionally intelligent would have had avoided being friends with me. Present Victoria would never be friends with past Victoria she was so negative. Think of the things think of people you spend the most time with? Do you leave your interactions feeling buoyed with higher energy inspired, happy, calm, or do you leave feeling annoyed, frustrated cross doubting your greatness. If you're you're spending time with negative people, then there's no room for new positive people to come into your life. In this situation, you can do a few things, and neither is right or wrong.

You know what's best for your know what's best for you. One, you could end a relationship deciding that it's best, this person is no longer in your life. This is hard. And hopefully you'll be able to have an honest conversation with the person versus ghosting them do. You could try to work on the relationship, have an honest conversation with them, and hope they want the same things as you set boundaries with them. This too is hard. It's scary to be open and honest. And you don't know how they react. There there's a third option, do nothing say nothing. Keep them in your life just as normal and be secretly seething every time you think of them. I don't recommend this option, but you may not be ready to do the difficult work yet. And that's okay. Just know if you really want to begin to feel great about yourself, then this is a very important step. The first time you have an honest conversation conversation with someone or gently exit their life it can feel terrifying, like the scariest thing like you're a bad person. Like you should just be happy with this friend. I know it did for me. But let me tell you it Phil felt so good afterwards. As I continue to expand and make new friends I will occasionally come across people from time to time where it's just not a good match. I have to break up with them. I got to be honest, I don't find this process easy or fun. But a necessary step in my quest for awesomeness is a lot smoother now and takes less time for me to act. Now. I have incredible friends in my life. I truly value them and vice versa. I'm actually a good friend now as I don't secretly hate them. Fancy that friends. I like how weird.

So friends are one thing but what about family? Cue dramatic music Dun dun dun I added the dum dum dum. This is next level stuff a society tells us what we should always that we should always put up with family no matter what blood I think in the water and all that I say that we shouldn't we shouldn't put up with bad behavior just because we happen to share a parent or another relative. Now Ah, you can take the same sex steps I prescribed with friends. But there is another option. The other option is to reduce the time you're exposed to that family member. Families can be hella complicated and breaking off a relationship with one person could cause lots of consequences that you don't want to deal with right now. And that's okay. For example, you go around your parents house every weekend. And when you leave, you're in such a bad mood. Your mom nag nag you about your life hinting that you're a disappointment and your dad his dad is super sexist and comments on your wait. How about going over for less time or only once every other weekend? See how that feels work out if it's having an impact on you, or on how you're feeling about yourself. Another thing you can try is to set firm boundaries. Explain Hey, I'm working on my confidence right now. I've realized that when you talk about my weight, it makes me feel less than confident. Could you help me out and try not to mention it to me? If the offender truly cares about your happiness, they will I said here He or she, they will try to abide by your request.

But naturally, they will probably slip up. When they do generally remind them, if they slip up again, tell them, you will have to leave, if they keep talking about your weight, or whatever else you told them to keep to themselves. If they do it a third time leave,

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you may be accused of being very sensitive or overreacting, you are not your mental health is so incredibly important. And these people are not respecting your clearly human communicated wishes, right, remind them, you will only spend time with them if they can refrain from the negative self talk and stick to your guns. This is going to be hard. After years of the same behavior, it will be difficult for both parties to change but it is possible. I know, I did it with some of my family members. Still, from time to time, I have to correct folks when they make a comment. But we will, we'll get there eventually. So I know, I think I've mentioned on the podcast before I actually ended a relationship with a very close family member over this stuff. And it took me years and years and years of therapy to get to that point, because I kept saying I can make it work, I can just forgive them I can just if I just stop complaining. And if I just do this, and if I just do that. And if I just let it go. And I'll tell you what, after ending the relationship and sticking to my boundary of the relationship being over. I have not once regretted it not once and I feel so fucking free.

Honestly, it just makes me so happy and side know, whenever. Whenever I think about them, now I just have a lot of empathy for them. Empathy, know that they can't be in my life, I still love them, but they just can't be in my life. And whereas before I'd be boiling with anger and hate, and just being like, ah, company leave that they've done this, and they've done this again and again and again. So our relationship has improved, even though there is no there's no actual relationship, the relationship that I have with them in my mind, you know, I feel just Yeah, empathy towards them. Yes. Okay.

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So now, what if your family doesn't want to respect your wishes? What if they continually put you down or make you feel like a big bag of dog poop, you have the option of cutting them from your life, either temporarily or permanently. I've done this too, with a close family member. And as you expect, it's not easy. It's hard to avoid one person in your family. If you see everyone together, it can be done. However, remember, your mental health is so fucking important. It's not your duty to hurt yourself to maintain a relationship with someone who, who happened to be born in the same family as you. This will be an ongoing process. And you'll notice how some relationships feel great now, and may change and some relationships don't feel great, and can change as well. Be gentle with yourself during this process as it's hard and can be all kinds of painful.

But remember, growth doesn't happen in a state of comfort. Now, next, let's look at patterns and habits. What do you do? What do you continually do that makes your brain sad? What have you slipped into that you detest? Do you say yes to things that you really wanted to say no to but you felt guilty or wanted people to like you. An example of a pattern is that you're slowly you've slowly got into the habit of sleeping in just a little bit later every morning. You're not late for work, but you're pretty close. You used to make yourself a nice breakfast and sat with a coffee but now you're frantically grabbing a coffee to go and going hungry. Maybe you like doing your hair in the morning and putting on makeup but you're sleeping in habit means that you do this less and and in turn don't feel as nice about yourself when you get to work. Maybe used to meditate every morning but going to bed late and after going on a YouTube black hole until 2am me watching hours of Dr. Pimple Popper videos has taken over your routine and you feel way less calm and relaxed every day. So have a think, Are there patterns that ultimately make you less happy or make you feel less worthy? Sleeping in late is just an example. It could be that sleeping in makes you feel like a goddess or God or non binary person.

And if that's the case, keep on keeping on how does you may have could include things like agreeing to stay late at work because you don't want your boss to think you're lazy when actually you have things planned. It could be overlooking a friend's chronic tardiness and not saying anything when she shows up 20 minutes late for your lunch date. Or maybe you're the one who always cooks your partner gets in from late work later than you and you just do it even though you don't like it and feel resentful. Do you have a habit of being a pushover a people pleaser? A I hate you so much attitude in your brain but nice to their face. tendency want to change that you can start saying no. Start telling people how you feel start realizing that your time is important and so is your mental well being. Now time to look at your closet and your home the things you have in your life, something we look at look in every day look at look at all this has been a mistake I look at every day reminds of something something we look at everyday reminds us of how we don't measure up. There's something we look in no is right. Our closet, we look in our closet, if you have clothes that no longer fit, or go with clothes for when you lose weight, taking up space in your bedroom, then you may as well be hanging a sign up there. You see everyday reading, you're too big and Marthy ugly, lazy. Seriously, think about the neural pathways you're creating. Get rid of that shit, give them to a new home, store them away, put them in the garbage, DIY them into a new bed for your dog. Use them as bonfire kindling. Wherever you do get them out of your life and out of your sight. That dress you wore to your prom 17 years ago, when you're basically still a child it will will never fit again and it isn't in style. And no, no one else wants to wear it either. Want to keep it as a memento? Look at the damn picture of you wearing it at a time you did like it and it fit, get rid of it. So side note here, you may just want to store things away versus getting rid of it because getting rid of it may be too hard. And so maybe just put them in a bag and put them in the in the back of the closet for a while. And then when you've realized actually haven't looked in that bag for a year, then it might be time now then you might be ready to then actually donate them or whatever. You'll also be creating space for more things that actually make you feel good. Imagine opening up your wardrobe and seeing gorgeous sequins or well tailored suits or dope sportswear knowing they all fit you and you feel fierce while wearing them. Once you've had fun decluttering your clothes and look around your house. Do you have things laying around that say, girl you're such a loser? A giant reminder of your self appointed looseness is your set of scales. Just seeing scales in someone's homes get home gives me the heebie jeebies. How can one tiny piece of metal and glass so quickly define our worth? How much disappointment shame, frustration, sadness, and

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sometimes joy has this small piece of torture equipment given us? And what does it really measure our gravitational pull to the earth? That's it nothing else. It doesn't measure how healthy you are. It doesn't measure if you're a good person, a kind friend, it doesn't measure the amount of love you're capable of giving to others the capacity of your heart. So why do we put so much weight into what it tells us pun intended? You need to get rid of that shit from your life. If you're not sure how serious I am about this. I will now spell it out in capital letters for you. Get rid of your goddamn motherfucking piece of shit scale. See very serious capital letters and squaring. What else do you have that measures your worth and makes you feel like a big like a big bag of dicks. You may not even realize something you're using to measure yourself makes you feel bad until you really think about it. Do you have a Fitbit? A step tracking device? Do you feel guilty if you do less steps than you should? Or that you'd like to? Yep, another piece of shit measuring device that needs to be gifted to someone you really hate.

Any other measuring devices lurking whispering to your subconscious about what a lazy useless waste of space you will smash them burn them launching and launch them into and out of deep outer space. Bury them six feet under, sink them to the bottom of the Mariana Trench. go to university to become a scientist and dedicate your life to learning the solution to shrink things and then shrink the thing that so that only barrio borrowers can use those evil items. These items are the obvious things to boot when it comes to destroying your self esteem. But what about the things in your life that aren't so obvious? I used to play the piano. It was fun. I eventually lost interest however, but I didn't want to give away my gorgeous piano keyboard, you know, just in case. So for years I made space for it in my house, moved it to new houses with me. And every time I saw it the damn thing would melodically whisper used to be so talented now look at you a failure with no musical ability. What a waste. I finally realized after dusting off one day for the millionth time that I needed this object out of my life. I sorted online to a teenager who was super excited to have it. I then had extra space to put in a desk to work from home. The piano took up space in my home and in my mind as well. Maybe it stopped me from working on my business as much since I didn't have a dedicated space to work. Maybe it stopped me making more money. Maybe it made me believe I was super lazy all this from a simple object.

And imagine if you have multiple things like that in your home, how many messages every day you could be getting from them telling you mean things. It could also be objects that are neutral, something that you barely notice It's just there always has been, perhaps if you got rid of it, you'd replace it with something that has a more positive influence on you, maybe a little picture frame with a positive affirmation in it. Or think about the things that are broken or annoying in some way, but you never get around to fixing them. Every day when you interact with those things, you're getting a shot of, I'm not worth having something that's in working order. I am not worthy. Say your car has a cracked windscreen. And this really makes you feel bad. But months go by and you haven't fixed it, fix the damn thing. It's not about the glass is about how it makes you feel. Finally, let's look at activities and social gatherings. Think about all the things you do in a day, probably your biggest activity is going to work. As I mentioned before, I always presumed everybody hated that job not only hated but deeply, deeply despised it. I used to wait outside one job in particular until the exact second I had to go in. I had timed how long it took for me to get to the second floor to my desk and log into my computer. I could I couldn't bear spending a single extra second in the building. I thought this is this was normal. We spend 2080 hours a year at work 2080 hours a year at work. What do you think 2080 hours of negativity a year just want brains. And he's not only time in work, but it's a time he's been dreading it before you go in. They used to be a time on Sunday evening, when it went from the weekend to getting ready for the work week that would stress me out in a massive way. The jobs I had before I let myself West mess with my mind in an incredible way. And they kept me paralyzed with fear about leaving, I hated my job but didn't think I was worthy of something better. I was terrible. It was a terrible pattern to be in. The thing I now know is that you just wouldn't have said this either thing I now know is that you just decide what you want, and then try to get there. I think it's like I think I should have explained more about how that's not possible. For a lot of people because of lots of different things. Most people just don't believe that they can do things that they want, and so never make it happen. They resign themselves to jobs that make them sad, and that's them forever. The difference between them and the people who get out is perception has that kind of worth. Perception of worth.

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Remember, I told you about my boss, he wouldn't give me a pay raise. If I was still deep in my low self esteem days, I would have just agreed with him and probably had been traumatized from the experience of him saying no, I may I may have never asked for another put another raise and I wouldn't have felt grateful for the job seeing as I was, I would have felt grateful the job seeing as I was such a crappy employee. I was in corporate recruitment for almost nine years and that's what led me into helping people with confidence. I would see time and time again wonderfully talented, accomplished hardworking, gregarious job candidates undervalue themselves and most of the time these were women. They would question whether they were really a good fit for the job, and I would put them forward, I would put them forward for and ask for the lower range of the salary bracket. Generally speaking, it was the guys who were like unmoving million bucks baby, and didn't have the experience to back it up.

The thing is, these guys will get the job just because they believe they will worthy and because of sexism. So if you hate your job, what do you want to do? What do you like in your life? What are you good at? When you're passionate about? Come up with a plan of how to get there? Take small steps, take leaps, do research. Get educated on your value in the market. If you're a woman, ask for more. Ask for more than you think you're worth because you're worth more than you think you are. If you are a woman of color, non binary trans, disabled ask for even more than that, because you're already being paid less than you should be welcome your fear because I promise with any growth fear with any personal growth is fear. No fear, no growth, believing yourself know that it is possible to have a job and like it to love it even I don't my job and sometimes I think I can't wait to get sucked into work today. Work is probably your biggest activity to enact to tackle but what about other things you do? The big one for me was movement for the sake of punishing my bad fat body. I will go to the gym which I found definitely boring. Oh go running which are so punishing for me. And again, a total snooze fest. I truly believe that the only good exercise or the stuff where you where you burn the most calories and hurt your body the most.

Now I do things I actually like weird Hey, I move my body for fun, not punishment. I don't push myself to the point where I think I'm going to vomit. I don't work out so I'm allowed to eat certain foods. I go dancing and I don't care that I get trapped. I ride my bike with my dog in the basket and prefer going down hills that up them. I'd go for walks to nice places and don't make sure to maintain a slow jog because what's the point unless you're out of breath. If I don't want to exercise I won't. I may want to move my body three times. times a week, or maybe three times a year, whatever brings you joy, then do it. I discovered what activities I actually liked by trying them. If afterwards I was like, nope, then I didn't go again, or tried a different version, or Instructure. Instructor, it could be that the movement you like is something simple that you don't count as exercise. For example, walking the dog movement doesn't always have to be rollerblading on the seawall and neon lycra with a fanny pack for it to be joy inducing or brain stimulating. So that's a life audit my friend, a lot of areas cut together, literally your whole life. There could be areas that don't fall into any one of these five categories. Just notice that notice what you're doing during your day, and take stock of how to make how it makes you feel. Your feelings are real and valid, and you deserve to live a life that makes you feel inspired, confident. A life that makes you feel like a hashtag fears. fattie. So yeah, I think the thing about work, I think I needed to do a lot more explaining about how there's a lot of different things at play, as well as how you feel about yourself versus, you know, yeah, yeah.

And there's a lot of different things at play, versus just the way that you feel about yourself. If you if you feel better about yourself, if you feel more confident, then things are going to be easier, right? But that doesn't account for everything else that's going on within the world. It depending on what marginalized identities that you hold. So, yeah, but anyway, live audit, what he what what, exactly what I just send it that what the book said at the end of the sentence there, which is see what's going on in your life and see how it makes you feel? What, what are the low hanging fruit? So you may be like, Oh my god, well, I hate my job. I hate my friends, I bla bla bla.

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And that might be really overwhelming. So what things are, it seems accessible right now? What things could you take action on, and what things are longer term goals that may take years, or actually asking me years to work out and overcome and talk to a therapist about and all that type of jazz. So yeah, so don't use this as any of this as a way to berate yourself and say, I'm not doing it right. I'm bad, but, but just know that sometimes things that we don't realize, have impact on us really, really do have an impact. Like, you know, with with with a family member that I cut out that decision and then implementing it. The way of me was just immense. And it and it's still there today, like a couple of years later. So but you know, that took years to get to Yeah, so anyway, you might not realize the things are really really not helping you and and you might think oh well it is fine. It's fine that I've got a scale in my in my back bathroom, you know, I don't use it or I only use it to to weigh my luggage or you know, some other reason but it's kind of it's like a symbol, isn't it? So remind you of all that diet culture BS, so yes, all right.

Well, I hope you enjoyed our episode today. I wanted to make it a little bit lighter after our last episode about medical fat phobia. A lot of people really enjoyed that episode. So I yeah, I'm pleased that I did it. But that was kind of like a heavier episode. And so yeah, something a little bit lighter today. As always, if you have a question for the show, go to the show notes. If you want to learn more about Fitzpatrick consulting, go to first party consulting.com Again, but the link will be in the show notes show notes or at face value.com forward slash 107 Thanks for hanging out today and I'll see you next time thanks for listening to the episode and if you feel ready to get serious about this work and want to know when the doors open to fears fatti Academy which is my signature program, where I teach all about how to overcome your fat phobic beliefs and learn to love your fat body. Then go to first party.com forward slash waitlist again that is phase fatty.com. Forward slash waitlist to get your name on the waitlist. For when first party Academy my signature program opens