Episode 208 Transcript

You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast, episode 208. How to Break Free from Body Shame and Survive Anti-Fat Bias. I'm your host, Vinny Welsby. Pronouns: they/them. Let's do it.

Hello. Welcome to the episode today. So nice to have you tuning in.

I have been doing some looking at the analytics of my content, and I noticed that I have a free download called the Body Love Roadmap that I made six years ago, in 2020, or maybe even longer, further back in the history. And people seem to really resonate with that. And I'm assuming as well, looking at the stats, that learning how to feel more comfortable in your body is a thing that a lot of people are interested in.

So I thought, one, let's talk about it on the podcast. And two, let's make a brand-new guide for you—a real sexy guide. It's going to be called the Body Image Healing Guide: Surviving Anti-Fat Bias and Breaking Free From Body Shame.

You can get it for free. Go to fiercefattie.com/bodyimagehealingguide. The link for it is going to be in the show notes.

And as well, because I have so much content—I mean content for the podcast and Instagram—and I'm referring to these concepts and content that I've created, I'm like, "Well, I created that like two minutes ago." And then I look and I'm like, "Oh shit, that content is buried under six years of Instagram posts, and people can't find it." And then I'm like, "Where is that? I need to share this because this is so relevant to this person's experience."

So I just thought I'd put everything together so you have the things, right?

And so I thought I'd share some of the things that are going to be in this guide. Again, free. Free for you.

I've written down all of the things I want to share in the guide. My goodness, I did this huge, huge list—like 54 different concepts that I've spoken about on my Instagram. Not all of them are relevant to this topic, but anyway, I've distilled it down to the most potent and important, and I'm putting it in this guide.

I'm recording this episode two weeks before it goes out, and so it means I have to get this done in the next two weeks. I gave you the URL of where to find it. I haven't even created the URL yet.

So yeah, if you appreciate the podcast, all this content, and this guide that's about to come out for you, if you would love to support me in any way, something you can do—which doesn't cost money—is to leave a review for the podcast wherever you listen to your podcasts.

I think, though, it's Apple where you can actually leave a written review. That would be amazing. Every one makes me so freaking happy, really.

If you want to support in a monetary way, I've jigged things around on my Ko-fi—K-O-F-I. If you just search "Ko-fi Fierce Fatty," you'll find it. But again, the link is in the show notes.

Then you can make a donation for a dollar, or however much you want. I wonder if there is a limit. Like if someone's like, "I'm going to send this person a million dollars." I think they probably wouldn't, but I doubt anyone's listening to me being like, "Oh, Vinnie, you just wait. Here's a million dollars with your name on it."

Yeah, so I've organized this content into different themes. The first one is getting out the worries about fat liberation. Because we're talking about fat liberation on the show, and body image healing can be stopped by people having these hang-ups in their brain of, "Wow, I don't really want to lean into learning more about fat liberation because it's ABC."

So let me just read out what fat liberation is and what it isn't, so that if you have any kind of things in your brain where you're like, "This sounds good, but it sounds a bit weird. I'm not sure."

Let me just tell you what fat liberation isn't.

So fat liberation isn't anti-health and demonizing people seeking health. It's not anti-people seeking weight loss. It's not anti-exercise.

Fat liberation isn't encouraging people to be fat or hating thin people. Fat liberation isn't an "excuse" to be "lazy" or "greedy." Fat liberation isn't about forcing people to find fat folks attractive or forcing people to have sex with fat people. Fat liberation isn't occult, and fat liberation isn't denying that fat people can be unhealthy.

That's a big thing that people say. They're like, "Well, fat liberation, they think that fat people are just the healthiest people," or, "All they want is everyone to be fat," or, "They hate diets, and if someone goes on a diet, then you're dead to them." And it's just not fat liberation, right? We spoke about it a lot in the episode about the New York Times piece because a lot of those misconceptions were coming out in that.

What fat liberation is, is pretty simple, right? A social justice movement that seeks to dismantle the stigma, marginalization, and barriers that fat people experience so that they can access the world and enjoy equal rights as those in smaller bodies. Pretty simple. Not too nefarious.

And fat liberation isn't about loving your body or feeling better in your body. But I deeply feel like it is the essential foundation, alongside unlearning other systems of oppression, so that you feel at home in your body. Because when people try to work on their body image, feeling more confident, and they don't have that foundation of fat liberation—the foundation being that you deserve equal rights and access, and your body is worthy—you know the thing I say at the end of the episode: you're worthy, you always were, you always will be. You don't have that foundation of, "It doesn't matter if I'm fat, or if I'm disabled, or if I'm racialized, or if I'm trans, or if I'm anything. I'm an equal human."

It's very easy to knock your house of cards down, right? It's like we're building a house of bricks with this solid foundation, whereas if people approach it from a "just love your body" perspective, it's building it from cards. And a breeze comes along, and then you're fucked, right?

So yeah, if you've got any worries about fat liberation, I hope that clears it up.

So next is 10 hidden ways anti-fat bias lurks in people's lives, and we might not know it. So let me read out some of them to you.

Okay, so number two: jokes at your own expense. So making fun of how fat, greedy, lazy, or unhealthy you are. Jokes at your own expense around body size. If it's making a joke about how you're so disgusting because you're fat, or whatever because you're fat, it could be ableism, healthism, colonialism, capitalism, as well as anti-fat bias. And so if you're doing that type of thing, it might be a clue. Might be a clue.

Another sign that anti-fat bias might be lurking in your life: you could be thinking, "It's okay for other people to be fat, but not me. It's okay for them to be fat, but not me." Or, "I just know I'm healthier, better looking, or feel more comfortable when I have a smaller body."

Other ways that anti-fatness is lurking in people's lives: immediately blaming fatness. So when folks think that, say if they're sick or they're unable to move their body in ways that they could before, they go straight to, immediately, "100% it's the fault of their size, and they must lose weight." And they are now morally inferior because they are less able. And that is ableism and healthism, as well as anti-fatness.

Another sign that anti-fatness could be lurking in your life: believing that the answer to health is exercise and eating, quote, "right," and ignoring systemic issues such as oppression, lack of access, mental health, and resource hoarding as bigger influences to health.

That makes me think that I should do an episode on social determinants of health. Hmm. Oh, I've done a post on that. Why is that not on the guide? Social determinants of health. I'm going to add that too.

Yeah, so TL;DR on social determinants of health: it's so drilled into us that to be healthy, you need to exercise and eat fruits and vegetables and blah, blah, blah. If you don't do those things, you cannot access health. You're not healthy, and you won't be healthy. And other things might influence your health, but basically having a smaller body and doing those things—and other big things like not smoking—you know, if you could list the top 10 things of how to access health, how to be healthy, those would probably be in the top five, right?

But they're actually only a small percentage of what, at the population level, makes up health outcomes for populations, right? What we just said: the systemic issues, lack of access, being poor, being racialized, being in a community where there's lots of pollution, not having access to community, relationships, friendships, support. Those types of things build a picture of—not just those things I just said, but lots of other things too—are more important than, "Have you consistently, throughout your life, eaten X amount of, you know, quote unquote, good food, or healthy food, or whatever people want to call it, and exercised?"

Not saying that moving your body is a bad thing. I guess sometimes it could be. You know, athletes pushing themselves too far, blah, blah, blah. Or you've just had surgery, and it's actually dangerous to walk on your leg. Or it really upsets your mental health to force yourself to do something, and you've had a history of over-exercising and eating disorders.

And anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway, all of that to say that binary thinking—and binary thinking is a manifestation of white supremacy culture. Binary thinking is what we want to move ourselves away from. And that's a sign that anti-fat bias is lurking in your life.

Another one is feeling relief at the thought, "At least I'm not as big as them," or, "At least I'm not as big as her," or, "At least I'm not as big as him," looking at someone who is bigger than you.

This used to be me, big time. I'd look at people who were smaller than me and be like, "Oh my God," dreaming about being their size, and then get self-esteem looking at people bigger than me and being like, "Wow, well, they've really let themselves go."

Which is, you know, just harming me and everyone else to think like that. So the full list is in the guide, so check that out.

And so if you notice some things there, you're like, "Okay, okay, okay. Okay. So if I've got anti-fatness lurking in my life, is that affecting my body confidence?" Spoiler: very much probably. A very strong suggestion that yes, it probably could be. Because if you're colluding with anti-fatness that puts bodies in hierarchies, or any other systems of oppression that put bodies in hierarchies, you know, that it's only the young, thin, white, rich, non-disabled, etc. bodies who are at the top of the pyramid, temporarily, because all of those young, thin, rich, non-disabled bodies, they're not staying the same. Because all of those young, thin, rich, you know, non-disabled, able-bodied people, their bodies are going to change. They're going to get older. They might become disabled. They might not have the access that they currently have. Yeah.

If we're colluding with any of those things by agreeing with their assessments that those other bodies are superior, it's very difficult to not put that judgment on yourself. I would say, I would say probably impossible, right? If you genuinely believe that there is a superior type of body, that you would not also feel like shit, even if you had that quote-unquote "perfect" body, because you're chasing, you're chasing to keep the top of the pyramid. It's like a pyramid built on sand, you know, and everyone else behind is trying to get up. And what we want is to be away from the pyramid, saying, "Wow, look at that. I'm so pleased that I don't believe that pyramid of body hierarchies is valid, and I'm not participating in ranking my body in that way or believing in it, believing in other people's assessment of my body." Yeah.

So what do we do? What can we do? What can we do to feel better in our bodies? What if you're worried that people are judging your body, your body size, and your appearance? What if you're worried? Hands up, hands up if you're worried that people are judging your appearance, your body size. I think many, most people would have their hands up, saying, "Yep." It's normal to think about people judging you and hoping that they judge you favorably. But the difference is that when you're struggling with your body image, the volume on that voice is way high. You know, sometimes, you know, so, so, so loud that it stops you from living life. Or it makes you modify your behavior. Or it takes up a lot of your time.

For example, I went for dinner last night with my friend Kate. I had been really busy all day in hyperfocus, which was great. Love it. Although I got really dehydrated because I forgot to drink, and I've done the same thing today. I've got a big, a big bottle here with me now. I'm going to drink some because I'm also dehydrated today, because today I've been in hyperfocus too.

So I didn't have any time to think about, "Oh, what am I going to wear tonight? Oh, what is the type of place we're going to?" As in, like, is it a dressy place or whatever? And also it's hot, so I don't have time to think about what could be an outfit that is cool enough. And that didn't matter to me.

I finished work and then walked to Guy, and then had ten minutes to get ready. And I just picked out something. Actually, I just wore the same fucking clothes I was wearing. I was thinking, "Oh, I picked something out." No, I think I put on a pair of trousers and then was like, "Oh no, no, I'll just wear the shorts that I was wearing today because it's hot." And I think I put some dry shampoo in my hair, and that was it.

I didn't think about, "Is Kate gonna judge my outfit or think less of me?" Or, "Is anyone else going to look at my outfit, or my body?" I wasn't even, I didn't even think about my body.

Previously, maybe I'd be late for Kate because I'd be trying on different outfits, trying to find the outfit that would make me feel okay and never quite get there. Maybe. Or maybe I would some days and maybe I wouldn't others. Or I'd be like, "I feel too big today," or, "This thing is showing my belly," or whatever, too much. Or maybe I'd have to not do as much work as I wanted to that day because I'd have to think about planning my outfit or what I was going to wear, just planning the whole thing or being anxious about it.

The difference is, you might be like, "Okay, we know people are going to judge me and whatever." It's just not thinking about it versus it being all-encompassing, all-encompassing, all-encompassing. And you can tell how much this is affecting you by asking: How much distress are you feeling? How much time are you thinking about this? What are the things that you're doing and not doing because of the way that you feel about your body?

So what do you do if you're worried that people are judging your body size and appearance? Well, this is what, yeah, some advice for you.

First off, people judge others negatively, and that sucks. And I'm so sorry that you have to go through that, that I have to go through that, that we all have to go through that.

I don't think there's any point in saying no one's judging you because we don't know. Probably some people will judge you very harshly and unkindly. Some people will think of you neutrally or positively. Some people are going to think you're the best thing ever, right? And some people are going to be hyperfocused on themselves and whether or not you are judging them negatively.

And if you have a bigger body or are marginalized in additional ways, you're going to experience more bias and judgment, and that's just not okay.

So if someone is judging your body size or fatness negatively, it might be because they feel shame in their body and want to pass that shame on to you so that they can feel temporary relief. It's not something that we do consciously, but you know that whole thing I was saying before of, "At least I'm not as big as them"? You get a temporary relief. You're passing shame onto that person. You know, you're just doing it in your head, right? You're not going up to that person and doing that.

But because holding shame is like a hot potato, the thing is, that's not your shame to deal with. There's no reason for you to be ashamed of your body because your body is morally neutral.

Also, some people are just plain cruel or bigoted, and you shouldn't have to deal with that. You know, some people might feel great about their body, but they're just dickheads. Those people shouldn't be able to dictate how we live our lives, what we look like, how we dress, or how we present to the world.

However often they do get to dictate, right? Either because we feel fear of experiencing shame and we change our behaviors because of it, or due to very real safety concerns that change our behavior. This world is often unsafe, especially for the most marginalized people, and how you react to that is understandable.

So I'm not going to say people are not going to judge you, but I am going to say, let's think about this less binary. It's not that everyone is going to be saying, "Oh my God, you're the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," or, "Oh my God, you're the most amazing, wonderful thing." The reality is that people could be judging you negatively or positively. From my experience, a lot of the time people are thinking about themselves and thinking, "Oh my God, am I okay? Am I lovable? Am I enough?"

A lot of people worry about themselves and how they look and use judging others as inferior as a coping mechanism. However, they will also be confronted with people whom they deem to be superior, and any self-esteem that they have can crumble.

You know, like looking at that person who's bigger: "At least I'm not like them." But then you're looking at the person who's smaller: "Oh God." That self-esteem that I temporarily felt from judging the person who was bigger is gone because here comes someone whom I'm perceiving to be more attractive.

So basing self-esteem on how well you play the game of beauty ideals is limiting. And eventually people always lose because, if I think about that body hierarchy, we're going to get older. Fingers crossed we're going to get older. Our body appearance changes, and, you know, maybe we'll become disabled or more disabled. You know, we can't win. It's like gambling, right? The house always wins.

In case you're not familiar with that phrase, it's about casinos. Sometimes people might win a jackpot here and there, but generally speaking, casinos are not a place where you go to make money. They go to take your money. That's why they're able to keep running.

You know, what I've noticed, though, through my journey and looking at other clients' journeys, is that the more you work on unlearning your own anti-fatness, the less you tend to think about how others might perceive your body. You're aware that people could judge you, and you know that that's not okay. And also, their opinion doesn't change the way that you feel about yourself as easily because you realize that your worth is based on your humanity and not how you look.

You're more able to recognize the pain that people who are judging you are probably experiencing themselves. Like if someone were to say, "Vinnie, you're fat," I'd be like, "Oh wow." That really tells me something about them. As in, not "You're fat." Yeah, good. But, you know, "You're fat, bad." That really tells me something about what they're going through, what they're experiencing. It makes me think about what their loved ones have said to them, the people around them.

If I'm feeling less charitable, I'll think, "Oh wow, that person's just a dickhead." But generally speaking, I'm just like, "Oh, that seems really sad." That person who thinks I'm less than, for whatever reason, believes that because they've learned that lesson from somewhere, and that lesson has hurt them as well as them using it to try and hurt me now.

And the bottom line is the comfort of those who judge you is not more important than you being able to live without shame.

But that's easier said than done, right? It's easier said than done. What we're doing here is distress tolerance because, in our lives, we will always experience distress. There's nothing we can do to make distress go away. But can we learn to tolerate those feelings? They're really difficult, and those feelings can feel like life and death.

Being rejected by your community, and this is what it feels like, not having access to love and support from your community, when people are like, "Oh, you're too fat to wear that." Our brains, we might not realize what's happening if we struggle with people saying that. Our brains could be going into, "Oh my God, I don't have community. I'm a human, and without community I cannot survive." Therefore, that comment that "That dress doesn't look good on you because you're too fat" is akin to a life-or-death threat.

But the reality is it probably isn't a life-or-death threat. And not to say it couldn't be, right? Because anti-fatness is really violent. Team that with, say, anti-Blackness, then it could be a life-threatening situation that could be occurring, for example, with police violence, right? Murdering Black people, murdering fat Black people because they seem more threatening, right?

And so, not to say that any of this couldn't be life-threatening, because it could. But most of the time, it's not. And so, can we tolerate that distress? And what can we do to support ourselves to tolerate those shitty experiences?

So let's talk about the one essential thing that you can practice doing that's going to shift anti-fat beliefs.

One way that anti-fatness is treacherous is that it teaches us to blame ourselves or blame other fat people for the inequities and stigma created by anti-fatness. And once we begin to recognize that it is anti-fatness that needs to change, and not fat bodies, we can then unlearn anti-fat beliefs with greater ease. Those anti-fat beliefs are based on the idea that your body is wrong.

So what we're doing is shifting beliefs. It's a really important technique, if that's something that interests you or is accessible to you. Instead of blaming yourself, try to correctly identify the issue.

And by the way, this is not necessarily relevant to all aspects of life. This is relevant to when we are dogging on ourselves, talking shit about ourselves, being unkind to ourselves. A lot of us are so good at that.

This wouldn't be relevant for, I don't know, you have some husband who doesn't help out with the housework and you're alone doing everything, whatever. Like if your husband was like, "I'm going to change my beliefs. Instead of blaming myself..." Well, actually, you know what? That's still good work.

Like, why is the husband not doing those things? Is it because he's a horrible person? Mmm, that's binary thinking. Or is it because...

So, husband that does nothing around the house. Husband could be thinking, "I'm a terrible husband. I'm a terrible person." I don't know if that's what they're thinking, but let's just use it as an example. Is that helpful? Is that going to create change? Probably not. It's disempowering to think that you're terrible for whatever reason.

A different way of looking at it is, "Wow, I've been socialized to think that my role is ABC, and I'm scared that if I do this, then this is a consequence," and blah, blah, blah. So, correctly identifying the true issue.

Maybe in that scenario, it's not the husband who should feel ashamed. The shame should rest with patriarchy and, you know, what's his fucking name? Andrew Tate, that fucking absolute ding-dong on the internet who's teaching people to hate women and be terribly misogynistic and violent and cruel and blah, blah, blah. That's more empowering.

But, you know, when I was saying maybe it's not applicable to everything, if the husband is like, "I'm great. I never do anything, and it's because the wife, that's her role," or something, and the wife is like, "Ah, I don't think so." You know, that kind of shifting blame, or finding where the blame belongs, correctly identifying the true issue. If the husband is like, "No, I'm amazing," you know, maybe there's more insight that's needed, right?

So anyway, TL;DR, honestly, this whole trying to be outside of binary thinking, my brain just goes to all of these different scenarios of, "What about this? What about that? What about that?" And sometimes I find it annoying because there's always scenarios where this is not relevant, or this might not be the best, or whatever.

But in our scenario, you're talking about yourself because your body is not adhering to body standards or whatever. Is that because you are a horrible, ugly, disgusting person? I'm telling you right now, the answer is no.

So we're going to get curious and correctly identify the true issue.

So here's some examples.

Instead of blaming yourself: "These clothes don't fit. My body is wrong, and I'm too big. I am out of control."

So you've tried on some clothes, they don't fit. "I'm wrong. I'm too big. I'm out of control." You're blaming yourself, shaming yourself.

Correctly identifying the true issue: "These clothes don't fit, and they're not for me and don't serve me. Clothing should be accessible and fit human bodies."

Right? So it's taken it from something very shamey, blamey into a neutral thing. It's just that these clothes aren't for me. And if you don't have access to clothes that are for you, that's not okay, right? Because you're a human, and your human body deserves to be clothed.

Another example. Your brain might be saying, "People won't date me because I'm fat, and therefore I'm unattractive and unlovable."

Is that a helpful belief? Is that right?

A different way to think about it: "People won't date me because I'm fat, and that means that they are living with fat bias. That hurts me, hurts society, and also hurts them. That's not okay. Also, they're losing out on this mega babe, which is me. Their loss." Right?

So we're not, we're not, we're not, you know, shifting the belief from, "People won't date me because I'm fat. Therefore I'm unattractive." We're not going from that to, "Everyone wants to date me because I'm gorgeous, and I'm attractive to everyone," because that's not based in reality, right?

The thing that's closer to reality is, yeah, some people won't date you because you're fat. Also, some people will date you because you're fat, right? And, more generally, more people would date someone who has a smaller body, or you with a smaller body. And that's not okay because we live in a society that places these values on these things, right?

So say you're in a smaller body, a straight-sized person, or even a fat person might think this too. You might have the thought, "Wow, that person is too big to fit on that roller coaster. How embarrassing for them." You might even be saying this about yourself: "How embarrassing for me."

Instead of thinking, "There's something wrong with me. I should be ashamed," perhaps it could be, "Wow, that roller coaster is not accessible for fat bodies, and that's not right."

Or someone could say, "It's not fair fat people can get two seats on an airplane and take up my space." You could change that to, "It's not fair that airplane seats are not made for a lot of human bodies, and fat people often have to pay double to fly."

The whole airline thing just feels so bootlicky to me, you know? Like, why? Why, why, why? "Someone's getting a free seat. What the hell? They're taking up too much space." It's like, why are you dogging on this fat passenger when you should be dogging on the fucking airline that gives each person, like, three centimetres to sit?

You know, everyone is uncomfortable. It's not a great experience for most people. So why not be like, "That's fucked up that we're all having to be squeezed into these tiny seats," instead of blaming the individuals?

But that's something that people do a lot, right? So that's fucking... yeah. Aligning with, colluding with, systems of oppression to continue to oppress others and themselves, right? Because the person who's saying, "Oh, look at them having two seats," or whatever—would they want two seats? Fuck yeah, they would, right? Would they want a seat that's bigger and wider and longer, with room to lie down? Yes.

So then why are they focusing on that person? I mean, it does make sense because, you know, anti-fatness and capitalism and whatnot—blaming the person for this tiny-seat situation. I guess we have to be a little bit more creative in thinking, "It's not their problem. It's a system problem."

It's easier, and it probably feels good, right? It probably feels good too.

Ooh. And I used to be way more judgmental. It felt so fucking good to judge other people. Just a little bit of... you know that phrase, "glimmers"? "What are the glimmers in your life?" The glimmers would be like, "Oh, seeing my dog smile," or, "Oh, smelling a nice flower," or whatever.

My glimmers would be judging that person over there because they're doing something that I think is wrong. Yeah. Judging a fat person because they're fatter than me. You can imagine that on a Pinterest board: Find your glimmers—and then, "Make fun of these groups of people that you've perceived yourself to be better than." It really brings joy to my life... temporarily. For a moment.

Oh yeah. And it did, right? And then ten minutes later I'd be like, "Oh, I feel like shit."

Okay. So, five steps to feel more confident in your body.

By the way, everything we're talking about is going to be in that free Body Image Healing Guide. You can get it at fiercefatty.com/bodyimagehealingguide. It's going to be in the show notes.

This is going to be the last bit. This extra stuff is going to be in there.

So, the last bit here is five steps to feel more confident in your body. What are we going to do?

One of the five steps: something that I see people do a lot of the time—it's a mistake people make—is they say, "I want to feel more confident."

And I'm like, "Okay, well, what does that mean? What does that mean?"

"Oh, you know, just feeling good. Just feeling better. Just feeling better in my body."

Okay. Okay. Great, great, great, great.

But what the fuck does that mean?

And how do we know we're getting there? How do we know we are doing the things to support ourselves in getting there? How do we know when we've got there if we don't define what confidence means to you?

So that is the first step: define what confidence means to you.

How will you know when you've achieved body confidence?

One way to explore what could be impactful to help you with your confidence is to list the things that you do—or don't do—because of the way that you feel about your body.

Think about the things that you do or don't do because of the way you feel about your body.

For example:

I won't let my partner touch my belly.

I won't wear things that show my arms.

I make excuses about joining friends on a hike.

I have a uniform of the same clothes I wear every day.

I won't go swimming anymore because I've put on "too much weight."

Right?

You can then say, "Alright, these are the things I'm doing or not doing."

Next step: Do you want to make changes to those things you've listed? Would that be confidence for you?

Confidence for you could be, "Letting my partner touch my belly, going to the swimming pool, and wearing a swimsuit that doesn't go to the top of my head and the bottom of my toes, because that's what I want."

Or you could say, "I like wearing a swimsuit that's top of my head to the bottom of my toes. Actually, being confident to me is going on that hike with my friends that I'm currently avoiding because I'm worried I'm going to be out of breath, slow them down, and they're going to judge me."

There can be lots of different things, right? But we can define them.

You don't have to change anything or do anything. But you could decide that, actually, I do want to make these changes.

Some of these things we've talked about before—they could be ways that you're protecting yourself from a society that can be dangerous for a fat body.

Like you don't eat in public because there's a chance that if you do, someone's going to be like, "Oh, fuck you, you're a fat person eating in public."

So it's not worth it for you because, based on your past experiences, you've decided to take steps to protect your mental health. That's understandable.

You could be like, "Okay, this might be because of how I feel about my body, but it's also because of how society treats fat people."

I also want to invite us to get curious here.

Is this based on data that we have?

Like, "If I wear a swimsuit, people are going to call the police and I'm going to be arrested for... I don't know... violating the law against disgusting bodies on the beach."

Is that because you've actually had that experience before? Or is it because you're worried and nervous that people are going to judge you, but you don't really know?

So ask questions about that.

See if we can set some goals for ourselves.

You can use SMART goals. SMART stands for Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-bound. I'll skip over that because there'll be more about it in the guide.

So, tip three: get out of constant learner mode.

This is something I've noticed for years, and I've come up with the phrase "constant learner mode."

A big mistake people make when trying to improve their confidence is that they only tackle it by learning about how to be confident.

So they're listening to podcasts, reading books, following people.

All of those things are great and can be incredibly powerful.

However, it's like trying to learn how to swim by reading a book on swimming techniques.

At some point, you have to get in the pool.

But before you get in the pool...

Tip four: tinkle your toes in the water.

Because if you've only read a book about swimming and then you jump straight into the deep end, what could happen?

You could drown.

You could traumatise yourself.

You could have a bad experience because you've never actually swum. Or maybe you swam a long time ago but can't remember.

There might be the off chance that you have a great time, but we want to mitigate any risk of harm to you.

So we want to tinkle our toes in the shallow end.

What that means is...

Say your goal is to let your partner touch your belly.

It would maybe not be so great to decide, "Okay, when I get home from work tonight, I'm going to walk in naked apart from a mac coat, drop it at the front door, say to my partner, 'Come get this fat belly,' jiggle it in his face, smother him with my fat belly, and then flash it to the neighbours too."

Right?

That's probably not realistic.

That would be diving into the deep end.

Another example of diving into the deep end could be forcing yourself to go to a big work event with no cover-up.

Maybe you're wearing a sleeveless dress when you would normally wear a shawl or cardigan, and you're going to be around people you know are judgmental.

That could actually set you back and harm your confidence.

You go to this stressful event, people are making comments or giving you looks, and then you leave thinking, "Well, I tried it and it didn't work. I knew I was right. I've collected evidence to prove that I'm horrible and disgusting and my body should never be seen in public."

Instead, tinkling your toes could mean buying a couple of sleeveless tops if you don't like your arms, and wearing them around the house.

See how it feels.

Maybe next, go outside into your garden or yard for ten seconds.

See how it feels.

Did your neighbour call the police and say, "Oh my God, there's someone out there with their arms out and they don't have arms like..." Who's that fucking celebrity that went on the red carpet recently and everyone was like, "Ooh, she's so toned"?

Shit, what's her name? She's in Ghost, that movie from the '90s...Demi Moore. So your neighbour calls the police: "There's someone out there and they don't have arms like Demi Moore. Come get them. Oh my God." Yeah.

So you learn that you can tolerate going outside for a little bit. Then maybe you can wear your new sleeveless top and go spend time with your fat-positive friend. But you also have a jacket that you can put on if you're feeling uncomfortable.

Go at your own pace. Check in with yourself. See how it felt.

How am I tolerating this? Is it too much?

You can even use a scale of 1 to 10.

"This feels like 10 out of 10 scary."

Okay, well, maybe let's bring it back a little bit.

Using a scale also lets you track your progress. You might say, "Before I did that thing, it felt like 10 out of 10 scary. Then I did it, and now it's a 5 out of 10." You're able to see your progress that way, too.

And the final one is: identify and mitigate barriers.

Barriers are things like: What are the things in your life that contribute to making you feel bad about your body? What are the things that make you feel good?

Then it's about working with those. We go into that more in the free guide for you—the little doobly-doo that has your name on it.

Oh my goodness...

Oh no, I was going to say, "I've only been talking for half an hour," but that's not true because the recording stopped halfway through. It's actually been 50 minutes.

I was like, "Oh shit, I've never done an episode that's so short." That's not true.

I really can just chat on and on for hours.

Yeah, but I don't want to overwhelm you with too much information.

There is a way forward, right?

I just want to give you that hope—that you don't have to feel like this. It's not hopeless.

I could never have imagined feeling the way I do about my body now, which is... I don't know. I just don't really think about it.

Not because I lost weight or because something changed about my body.

Sometimes I'll look at myself and think, "Oh my God, look at you," right? But nothing had to happen to my body for that.

I couldn't imagine that I could feel good about the way I looked because I genuinely believed the way I looked was just really gross.

The thing is, it wasn't my body that was faulty.

It was the message that had been put into my brain that was faulty.

I was wearing these glasses—my brain was wearing these glasses—and they were shit-tinted glasses.

I was looking through them at my body and thinking, "Oh, my body looks like shit," because I was looking through shit-tinted glasses.

Now we have to clean the shit off those glasses and realise, "Oh... it turns out I just have a human body, just like everyone else."

Some people will treat me differently because my body doesn't adhere to certain bullshit body ideals.

And that's sad.

But that doesn't mean it's based in reality that my body is somehow less than.

Well, if you appreciate the show and the content, then feel free to leave a review on Apple Podcasts—or wherever. Just leave a review out in space. Tell your friends.

And just a reminder: my pronouns are they/them.

So if you do leave a review, you can write, "Vinnie—they are the best human on the planet," which is definitely what you're going to write.

It's definitely true.

I wonder if there is a best human on the planet.

Nah.

Because inherently they would become the least best human on the planet, because then you'd be like, "Fuck this person. They think they're the best human on the planet."

Even if...

Nah.

Because if they really were the best human on the planet, they wouldn't be like, "Look at me, I'm the best human on the planet," because that would make them not the best human.

There's no such thing as the best human on the planet.

Obviously there are probably some really nice people out there.

Anyway...

You can write the "best human on the planet" review if you want.

Or you can go to Ko-fi.

Oh yeah—I was saying I've changed a few things with Ko-fi.

Ko-fi was being a bit funny because it kept pushing people toward the membership option.

You can absolutely become a member and get perks if you want.

But some people just want to say, "Here's five bucks for a coffee," or whatever.

So I've changed it so it defaults to the one-time donation. If you want a membership, you can just switch tabs.

And if you have any trouble, try using the desktop version instead of your mobile.

Or...

You can do none of those things and just enjoy your life because... what?

I'm not the boss of you.

You do whatever you want to do.

Thank you for joining me for the show.

Remember:

You are worthy.

You always were.

You always will be.

Stay fierce, fatty.