Episode 69 Transcript
Read transcript alongside audio.
Welcome to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm your host, Victoria Welsby and this is episode 69. Today, we're talking about Food Addiction and Binge Eating Disorders.
I'm Victoria Welsby TEDx speaker, Best Selling Author and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self esteem to being a courageous and confident Fierce Fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living in a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed? Or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century? So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty podcast Let's begin.
Hello, Fatty, how are you are your rights? I'm all right, you're right. Hey, quick trigger warning. While I'm thinking about it, that in this episode, we're gonna be talking about eating disorders, food quantities and different types of food. Also, very brief mention of child sexual assault. So if any of that is not feeling good for you today, then skip this episode because it's a deep one. It's a big one today. Okay, so yes, I am. What a pallava what a pallava. This last getting this bloody thing set up in my new place. Can you hear Diggle he's doing his little on the floor getting this new set up in my place I was so I didn't even realize how lucky I was before that I just had like the perfect setup without having to think about it. And then in my Airbnb same and then here I was like gray always record videos next to the window for the light. But I'm facing like never eat Shredded Wheat North never eat. And I'm facing southwest ish.
And it is 12:46pm right now. And the sun is a really lovely day. It's normally raining but the sun is like burning my eye holes out. And I couldn't I couldn't record the thing that because it was just like why? Just impossible so I've had to move my desk. But to move those things around. I've had to get lights and I was right about the video quality of this this new 2020 MacBook Air I googled it right and these MacBook Airs the video quality something is wrong with it where it just fucking sucks but it's the same ratio or whatever it is Don't fucking ask me the same quality as my 2015 Mac but the 2015 MAC video is like way better so I was right about the cost of a webcam is about 30 bucks I've got one should be arriving literally I could get knock on my door right now. So next week's video was theoretically going to be higher video quality, so fake things grossed but that's really annoying about the Mac is now rude. I'm just so loyal to Apple Cielo but I've been in my apartment now for a week.
4:13
I'm loving it. My happiness levels have really increased it's great lots of friendly people in the air the water pressure in my shower is almost too good. You know you just have it on the normal setting and then you and then you turn it to go on like the jet setting. I can't put it on the jet setting because the normal setting is so strong that I it looks like when I come out of the shower that about 57 layers of skin has been removed from my chest. Like if I put it on the jet one I my lungs would probably collapse like that's how strong this shower is. So no weak showers over here. No, it's great and the only thing okay, I need to I need to talk quiet for this one. So the only thing about this apartment is so I'm on the top floor penthouse is the fourth floor so not that fancy.
5:11
The guy underneath me, so I've met him. He's great, lovely guy. He, I don't know. I don't know. I'm trying to work out what what the deal is, but throughout the day, there's lots of noises. So there's lots there's lots of like, coughing and phlegm stuff. And then there's also like random expressions like it's like, shouts but sexual shells, as I don't know if he's, like, winking all day long.
5:56
That's what I think. Okay, this is what I think that he's quick. Okay, like, I wish I could imitate the noise. But I don't know. But I think I think he's having multiple winks a day. And I can hear the noise. I can hear the noise. So that's so far. I'm gonna ask him, I'm gonna ask him. I'm like, do you hear those shouts? During the day, as I'm whispering? I hope he doesn't hear me. I'm gonna ask him. I'm gonna ask him what is what is that I'm trying to get to the bottom of what these noises are.
6:36
Any kind of the the gay, the gay area, the great Gay Village in Vancouver. It's pretty awesome. And there is noise, there is noise about there is noise of foot. So I did a training video last week, and I kept stopping because I could hear noises, you know, just city life. And then listen to it back. And I was like, You know what, you can't really, really even really hear it. All you can hear are the pitter patter of doodles toes on the floor. So I thought maybe I'll just get a rug. Or maybe every so often, you might hear degree, walking around will say I go well, it goes like I've got a rug rugs in the apartment. But I'm in a, you know, I'm in my office area. And there's no there's no rug here. So, so he's sleeping under my desk currently.
7:31
So it should be okay. For now. Okay, so that's me. I was chatting with a friend yesterday.
Hey, Maggie, if you're listening, and something that came up, I thought I'd share what I wanted you to clarify this a clarify this for you. Is that the idea about body love versus body neutrality. And I am guilty of using the word like body love, love your body, all that type of stuff. Because it's like a common language. And what I'm actually saying is not thinking about your body. So she's like, What do you think my body nutrition I was like, great, like, that's what we aim for. Right? Just really not thinking about your body, or sometimes thinking that you look good, or sometimes having days where you think that you don't look so good, but overall and appreciation for what your body does, and moving away from a major focus of your life being body being your body or judging other people's bodies.
8:50
And the idea that you're saying you I see this phrase a lot, all bodies are good bodies. And that can be kind of problematic, because sometimes our bodies aren't good. Sometimes it's difficult to live in our body, sometimes they feel wrong. For example, someone who is trans might may feel like their bodies not right and not good. And so saying all bodies are good bodies is kind of misleading and erasing the experiences of people living in bodies who, where it's not they don't feel good or are we think about someone who's disabled. They may say, or feel like their body is wrong, or their body is broken, but maybe they can also appreciate some things about it.
=9:44
So, and also, maybe some people feel like their body is fine, but wishing that their body could do more or be different. And so this idea of of loving your body, it's kind of I use it as as like short hands, you know, love your body. And really what I'm saying is just don't really spend that much time thinking about it like you can get away from that you can get away from body checking all the time and thinking that you need to change your body to measure up to what society tells you, you should be. And really, that's what that's where I am. And that's what the goal is, is to.
10:26
Like, I have mirrors in my house, but I rarely look at them. Unless, I don't know, maybe if I'm drying my hair or not even if I'm brushing my teeth, but, you know, if I leave the house, maybe I'll have a glance at my hair to make sure that it's not, you know, totally wonky. But you know, or make sure that my my trousers, upholder, but just not really checking my body and judging it, you know, sometimes I will, I'll have a look at my body and be like, oh, yeah, that's my body. And sometimes I'm like, Oh, well, there's my body. And then sometimes I'm like, but like, there's my body. But mostly, it's just nothingness, just not, it's just not a big deal. That's what I'm trying to say. It's just a big deal. You know? So anyway, so I just want you to, I just want you to just put that out there. Okay, so this friend that I'm chatting to, she worked in an Eating Disorder Center. And we've spoken about that in the past. And it made me realize that I haven't spoken to on the podcast that much about the fact that I have had at least one undiagnosed eating disorder. And the most prevalent one prevalent, prevalent, prevalent. One is binge eating disorder, also abbreviated to be d binge eating disorder. So I want to talk about that today, and what I experienced and what maybe some people have experienced and how that can feel like food addiction. And are we addicted to food and all that juicy stuff. Okay, so binge eating disorder, B Ed is kind of seen as this the sibling to bulimia. So Bulimia is, is restricting, then eating food, and then purging. And so binge eating disorder is is like that, but without the the purging behaviors afterwards. And so folks who experienced BDD may have a compulsion to eat more food than their body currently needs in one session, to the point where it feels like a problem for them. And it feels disordered. So as humans, we all binge, like it's a normal, it's a normal eating behavior to binge from time to time. So me know, maybe you have a great dinner, and it's just super delicious. And so you eat more than what your body is comfortable with. Or maybe you don't realize your body. And then all of a sudden, it kind of just like hits you and you're like, Oh, I felt really full. I didn't realize I was that full.
13:26
Or, you know, it's a celebration, and you eat lots of food. So it's, you know, it's a normal part of eating. But the the, it gets to being an eating disorder, when it has negative impacts on your life. Okay. So the difference is the restriction.
13:54
So if you eat if you having, you know, if you binge, so you have that restriction, and then you have the guilt, and then you might have that feeling of compulsion, or maybe eating alone or eating in secret and having maybe certain foods that you will eat at that time. And maybe not even enjoying the food or the taste of it and just it being an automatic thing. So B E D is the the most prevalent eating disorder in adults, which is a wild considering hardly anyone talks about it. So when you think about eating disorders, I know for me that growing up eating disorder men anorexia, and then I had a personal experience one of my siblings having bulimia and so it meant bulimia and anorexia to me, and even nowadays, a lot of you know, the general population will think eating disorder, anorexia and they won't think of a typical anorexia. So anorexia in a higher weight person they'll think of, you know, anorexia
15:00
In a thin white woman is what they think of. But eating disorders has many different faces. And there's lots of different types of eating disorders. So, B, Ed, well, the reason why I didn't really know about binge eating disorder when I was younger is because it was never, it wasn't classified as an eating disorder until 2013. It was classified classified as a part of other eating disorders, or
15:31
an eating disorder that doesn't have a name. And actually, one to 3% of the population have BPD. And it's, it's spread equally between men and women. There's not a lot of good information on gender nonconforming, non binary or trans folks. But we do know that those folks experience eating disorders in general, more than other groups, due to the stress of you know, probably due to the stress of living in a marginalized body.
16:02
So, the difference, a lot of people don't know this, and they want to know the answer to this. But the difference between disordered eating and an eating disorder is the impact that is having on your life. So someone could be engaging in daily restriction,
Unknown Speaker 16:25
and have certain eating behaviors, behaviors, and it just not be that much of may have that much of an impact on their life. And so it might just be they're engaging in disordered eating behaviors, but another person could be engaging in the exact same behaviors. And that could be having a massive impact on their life. And therefore, it would be classed as an eating disorder.
Unknown Speaker 16:53
And it's not always necessary to classify someone as having an eating disorder or not having an eating disorder, it might be helpful for some people, it might not be.
Unknown Speaker 17:02
But how much and this goes for anything in your life, how much is this having a negative impact on your life, if it's having a large negative impact on your life, it might be behavior that you might want to change, maybe who knows? Everyone's different, right? And I am not a
Unknown Speaker 17:19
eating disorder counselor or anything like that. So this is,
Unknown Speaker 17:24
you know, I'm not giving you any advice of what you should or shouldn't be doing. Just an FYI. So those who have BPD tend to have higher levels of body dissatisfaction, and lower self esteem. It's funny how so many of the things linked to, you know, when we did that episode on
Unknown Speaker 17:48
stomach amputation surgery, those going in for the surgery had higher levels of body dissatisfaction and lower self esteem, more larger history with dieting, all that type of stuff, how so many of these things are connected to
Unknown Speaker 18:05
believing that your body is bad, or believing that the way that you he is not good?
Unknown Speaker 18:12
Also, it's linked with being restricted with food, aka dieting, and can be a method for coping with other issues. So it could be a great way to cope with issues if that's the only method that you have at that moment. Okay, so my experience with this is that, from a young age, I had a disordered relationship with food. And I had learned that food gives me good things and bad things. So the good things I learned that food gave me is that it nourished me. It was a conduit of love and care. Because my mom and my dad, my dad loved cooking words would feed me and I'd feel love and care because they would make food and dinner for me.
Unknown Speaker 19:08
It was exciting. It was the only quote unquote good thing in my life. Like
Unknown Speaker 19:14
if you think about, if I think about my siblings, and the stuff that they do in their life, I'm so fucking jealous of them. I'm so jealous of this four year old and his one year old. The stuff that they do like go to go swimming or go to the park or you know, imagine pre COVID times go into bouncy house, he places
Unknown Speaker 19:39
going to the cinema.
Unknown Speaker 19:42
All those types of things like we would have we have none of that in our family because we will pour right. We might go to town park, maybe a couple of times a year, but it was you know, it was like a 30 minute walk. We didn't have a car
Unknown Speaker 19:58
aynd
Unknown Speaker 20:00
My dad was an alcoholic, my mum was busy working. And when she wasn't working, she was taking care of the household. So there wasn't time for for that type of
Unknown Speaker 20:11
activities. And so food was a great source of joy, and fun. And you know, it was good, right? Exciting, and it was yummy. And it helped
Unknown Speaker 20:29
get rid of boredom. Because when we were when we were, my mum would work. So when my dad and my Mum Mum and dad got divorced, I was maybe seven. And so then at that point, my mum would go to work, say on the weekend, she worked in the morning on Saturdays, and she would work in the mornings, or in the afternoon, or whatever, the rest of the week, Sundays, she would have a day off. And so on the Saturday morning, before she came home, she came home at home at one
Unknown Speaker 20:57
not that she would play with us when she got home because she'd be taking care of chores. But we were left to our own devices. And, you know, we did, you know, we would do, we would make up our own games and things like that. But then you know, a part of that would be maybe having food to eat, you know.
Unknown Speaker 21:16
And also it was fun. So watching
Unknown Speaker 21:21
watching Blue Peter and then making like I remember they're making mince pies, and all you needed was a loaf of white bread. And you put out the breadwinner circle. And then you put mince meat, which is you know, mince pie mints meat in it, and then put another circle on the top and put a little bit of milk on it, put it in the oven, and you've got a mince pie. So, you know, that was something that was accessible. I remember asking my mom to get some minced meat and it would probably be like, you know, 10 P,
Unknown Speaker 21:52
you know from the cheap shop. So we could do things like that and make mince pies like I would do it on my own. Or one time I saw them spinning sugar on some show. Oh my god, I can't believe I did this. But I got sugar. I put sugar into a into a bowl, I think of some water. And I just pulled the whole thing out on the countertop. Thinking it would make. I don't know, sweets, isn't it? Really, it was just rock hard like cement on the countertop. And I had to chip away with it like a screwdriver. And my mom come home from work. And she's like, What the hell are you doing? So many times when mom came home from work, and I was like, What are you doing?
Unknown Speaker 22:34
Oh my god, oh, so many things. So yeah, so it was fun. And it was you know, a form of entertainment. But also food, it was surrounded by negative emotion. So I was not to eat too much food because the food had to last because we were poor because they were there were six of us in the household. And my mum worked part time in a corner store making minimum wage or less.
Unknown Speaker 23:00
And my dad didn't work and any money that he got was going to his his alcohol. So we had a little bit of food. And so we don't eat too much of it because everyone needs to eat. And also don't eat too much food. Because if you do, then you'll become fat. And being fat is bird. And so I had to be stealthy, I had to be quick about getting food because if I didn't get it quick enough, there would be none left. And also, I would desire it. And I would have to be quick, you know, go get it, store it hide it. Because also one of my siblings was bulimic. And so you could you would never save in the idea that you had food or you had access to food because we didn't have access to food as often. And if there was food, then it would be gone. And so it was kind of like very scary, very unsafe feeling around food because I wanted it but it wasn't there. And if it was there, I shouldn't have it. Not too much of it just a little bit. You know, so very, very complicated. I also experienced trauma around food. And therefore it was it was highly emotional. So for example, one time I don't know how this happened, but we managed to get Cocoa Puffs. I don't know what you call them in North America.
Unknown Speaker 24:24
It's rice krispies with chocolate on you know, it definitely wasn't Kellogg's brand it would have been like, you know, no frills brands so we had Coco Pops and it was this this was just like fucking Christmas. Right and we had Coco Pops and I remember having a bowl and then saying to my Mom, can I have another bowl? And I don't know what was going on with my mom at the time but her reaction was She's no you can't and then I must have been like Please Please Me Please. And she snapped me and shot me in the kitchen and kind of threw the Cocoa Puffs at me and said, Eat as much as
Unknown Speaker 25:00
Like because you know, you're, and the idea was like You're so greedy, you have to be separated from the family and sit on the cold kitchen floor and eat the Coco Pops. And I remember I did I remember I poured myself into the bowl and was crying into my Coco Pops as I was eating them because they were providing me comfort and they will provide me a little bit of joy after being rejected and, and slapped by my mum, which was not appropriate. And I don't know what was going on with her at the time, her now hearing this story, she's really upset by it.
Unknown Speaker 25:32
Another thing I remember happening true trauma around food was it being my birthday going downtown, because that's what I'm doing my birthday, my brother would sometimes give me some money because he was working at the time being a bricklayer and so he would not behave like Victor come in and make me a cup of tea. He'd call me Victor. And I'd make him a cup of tea. And then he'd give me like, a handful of coins and notes and stuff and it'd be like, I remember my diary writing, John gave me 68 pounds. And that was a lot like even now 68 pounds is a lot and so to young Victoria, I was literally 10 Exclamation marks that he gave me this money. And another time you gave me 72 pounds.
Unknown Speaker 26:17
Yeah, so I went downtown shopping and buying stupid shit like pens with bubbles in with smiley faces on stuff from this stupid shop called balligan in Peterborough, any pizza ballrooms will remember that shop from the naughties. balligan Anyway, and I remember one time Yeah, doing my birthday come home excited. I think my mum had made a cake. And there was going to be a birthday dinner and coming home and the cake and the dinner being eaten by the sibling that had bulimia. And so, you know, this this day, which was very special.
Unknown Speaker 26:59
And food being special to me, and the response kind of just being like, well, you know, you know, my mum, because my mum stressed out when I will, you know, what am I going to do about it, and she'd made another dinner. So we didn't, you know, we didn't go hungry, but it was kind of not as good. And there was no cake.
Unknown Speaker 27:19
So, and there was other, you know, traumatic experience around food, but also I had some really lovely experiences around food. So I remember one time, my dad took me downstairs and my dad was always a source of fear. And, you know, sorry, he was he was It was scary. He was, you know, strict dad, and mean and cruel. But one time he took me downstairs and he said, Let's I'm going to make you a Richard special and I might watch a Richard special and I think he just made the name up on the spot, but it stuck. And it was chocolate milk in this little brown plastic cup. You know the types of cups that you'd get from a vending machine. I think there were cups that used to have soup in I think he got like got it off of like a back of a lorry or something it would have like little bits of dried soup in anyway. So these little small brown cups put chocolate milk and cream on the top
Unknown Speaker 28:12
and then a shortbread finger half of it crumbled on top of the cream and then half of it stuck inside the milk. And this stuff like we would not have access to this chocolate milk cream shortbread biscuit because my dad would my dad would have that stuff like he would be allowed the good stuff and we weren't allowed it. And so he made me one and each and, you know, he shared this special moment with me of
Unknown Speaker 28:41
you know, love and curiosity and acceptance and it was really nice. And he continued making Richard specials for us. And, you know, my dad had trouble connecting with us. For many reasons, I think he had lots of different mental health issues. And I think, you know, now he's died looking back I think he had autism and things like that, but there were ways in which he could connect with us in a structured manner. And this was one of those it was with food. So highly emotional thing for me. And also it was the little amount of control that I had in my life. I lived in an unsafe and dangerous neighborhood
Unknown Speaker 29:24
you know, trouble with with the locals in the in the area.
Unknown Speaker 29:31
You a lot of
Unknown Speaker 29:35
you know, people fighting outside and there was a local pedophile that targeted me and targeted other children would come to my back garden. We'd hide in various areas and the neighborhood would hide in bushes and decently expose himself.
Unknown Speaker 29:51
And
Unknown Speaker 29:53
being in the home wasn't safe either. You know, being my dad being very scary and a bully and
Unknown Speaker 30:00
My mum being very stressed out and anxious and
Unknown Speaker 30:04
and because the fire was coming to my back garden, so I didn't feel safe in the house from anything, but food would give me a little bit of joy, you know.
Unknown Speaker 30:17
And I had I had friends at school.
Unknown Speaker 30:22
And, you know, but I was a nerd. I was a nerd. I was such an such a nerd in primaries go, we would have a uniform was just like, you know, a jumper and trousers and whatever. And then secondary school you'd wear a blazer. But in primary school, I don't know how I got my hands on a blazer, blazer in primary school, I would be wearing a blazer and the teacher will always like, like, take the blazer off. But now that I know, I want to wear a blazer. I was very extra. So
Unknown Speaker 30:51
yeah, so at school, I was a bit of a nerd. And sometimes I was bullied, but you know, nothing extreme, but I hated my body. And what so what did I have to cope with all this I had TV, which is amazing. And food. And that brought me joy and comfort. So I learned about
Unknown Speaker 31:13
it eating food was eating food was bad for me for many reasons. But also was good. And I was already fat at that stage. And so I better not eat any more food, but like, I would sometimes sneak food. Now I know why I would sneak food because duh. Why the fuck would I not sneak food in such a precarious situations. And I would sneak what I would, I would think, Oh, this is so much food I'm sneaking. And it was just tiny amounts of food. And even if it was large amounts of food, it was still fine too.
Unknown Speaker 31:48
And I would at least at my I'd sneak into the kitchen and be watching shows on TV and have a little little bit of food and be like oh my God, I feel so bad.
Unknown Speaker 31:58
And feeling tremendous guilt and would hide the evidence and but I had this this pool. Like I was so distracted by the idea of sneaking food and getting food like I'd be there watching television. And it basically like you know, voice in my head like, go get something to eat. Go on and be like No, stop it. No, I can't I've already had dinner. Don't just get one or get one come back. Or that was delicious. Eat it quietly so you don't wake up your mom.
Unknown Speaker 32:30
Okay, another No, I can't you know when it to the point where I couldn't watch television because I'd be so distracted by my thoughts. And I know, a lot of people have experienced that too.
Unknown Speaker 32:42
And interpreted it in a certain way that's maybe not accurate. The way that I interpreted it that what I was so out of control that I was something there was something wrong with me that I was sick.
Unknown Speaker 32:55
I was bad.
Unknown Speaker 32:58
One time to counteract this, this stuff I stopped eating in the day. So in the morning, I would get a pack lunch, my mum so a sandwich and a penguin bar and or maybe a wagon wheel, gross, disgusting and hated wagon wheels, and a packet of crisps. And so I would eat that in the morning and not eat all day long. And I would run up and down the corridor at home to try and exercise off this food that I was eating.
Unknown Speaker 33:31
And so it was kind of you know, it wasn't a full blown at that time. I don't think it was it was kind of disordered but it wasn't.
Unknown Speaker 33:40
You know, it was getting there it was getting them. So when my mum left at 17 She left the country and I was living on my own eventually became homeless, but I was living on my own and I had more freedom around food, like there was no one there to see what I was eating. And so I ate what I wanted. And I began what I now know was healing my relationship with food.
Unknown Speaker 34:03
And I had a job as a cleaner. I was still going to school, but then I would clean the school after school and find a little bit of money. And so I would be I was able to buy myself a little bit of food. At lunchtime. I was given free school meals and then in the break times I was able to buy myself food and I was feeding myself and and it was great. And and not to say that I wasn't being fed when I was child I was being fed like we never
Unknown Speaker 34:31
well that's not true. We never went without food we did sometimes but we were always we always had dinner, right? It wasn't that we were so in poverty that we didn't have dinner we did. But I was able to feed myself extra food or when I was hungry. I was able to get food or when I was thirsty I was able to drink what I wanted, you know? And that was really that was so healing and wonderful.
Unknown Speaker 35:00
But
Unknown Speaker 35:01
I then met the guy that was the abusive boyfriend. So the guy I was with for two or three years, I was 17. He was 30. And he started commenting on my body. And what I was eating, saying it was wrong and too much. And
Unknown Speaker 35:20
it wasn't wrong and too much he was wrong.
Unknown Speaker 35:24
And he would ask me, like, Why does my body look the way it does, and me never really having a boyfriend before. And him being 30? I thought, well, he knows what he's talking about. If he thinks that my body is bad, well, it clearly is. He's been around the block. He seen women naked before. And so therefore, my body is fucked up.
Unknown Speaker 35:49
Yeah, I roll.
Unknown Speaker 35:52
And I started to be scared about eating in front of him and eating only small portions to win his approval. And
Unknown Speaker 36:00
he was an alcoholic, and he would bribe me to go to the pub with him. And he'd be like, Come on, let's go to the public sit in the pub, he wouldn't be like, let's sit in the pub all day. But that's what would happen. I wouldn't want to do it because I didn't like watching him just get drunk because I wouldn't really drink.
Unknown Speaker 36:18
So he would bribe me with food, because he knew that I was so desperate for food. And so he'd say we are we can split a sandwich at the pub. I remember being like, this feels so luxurious, having half a sandwich, because I was so denied a food at that point. And I'd be like, You know what, fuck it. I'd be like, I'm so bad. I'm encouraging him to drink because I can't control it. Because I'm so desperate to eat because I'm so greedy. But fuck, I was desperate to eat because I needed to eat. You know,
Unknown Speaker 36:56
they you can hear Douglas little tip taps. You have a little sit down and he was going to his cage. He's going to his little house. Okay.
Unknown Speaker 37:05
Yeah, so I was fucking hungry. So the natural response to his judgement and telling me what to eat and what not was to eat in secret. Of course it was and to eat large amounts, and to eat the foods that he told me Well wrong. Of course, it was, of course, it was a great way for me to cope with this abusive relationship, because that's not the only way he was abusive. He was abusive in, in so many different ways, so many different ways. And it was
Unknown Speaker 37:36
locked up.
Unknown Speaker 37:39
And I remember on Sunday,
Unknown Speaker 37:42
he would work overnight on a Sunday. And I, I would look forward to this so much, because I you know, I'd be free from him for a little bit. And
Unknown Speaker 37:53
so I was I remember saying goodbye to him at the door. And so often, the first thing that I did was go straight to the toilet, because I needed to do a poo. And I wasn't allowed to poo in front of him because he'd make a big song or dance about it being like, oh my god, I can't believe you did that. That's so disgusting. And so I wouldn't do it. And so I'd be like desperate for a pool all day long. And he'd be he'd leave at four o'clock. This is years ago when I still remember it because it was such a big deal. And so I do Appu more often than not, and then I would put my shoes on, and I'd go to the corner store and get all this wonderful food that I needed and wanted and desired, and would go home and eat the food the whole time being terrified that he would come home, that there'd be an issue at work or he'd feel sick, and he'd come home early unexpectedly. And so I would like to double lock all the doors so that if he did come home, you'd have to knock and I'd go in like take the chain off the door. But still being being worried that if What if he did come home, then he'd see all this evidence. And then I would hide the evidence when I was finished eating whatever food I had, I would hide the evidence and I'd go to neighbors bins and put the rubbish into their bins so that because he would check our bin
Unknown Speaker 39:13
and he would check.
Unknown Speaker 39:16
He would check what I because I couldn't eat stuff that was in the house already. Because we didn't have any desirable food. We had very basic things, you know, diet things, basically because he put me on a diet obviously. And I can eat like if there was anything, you know, bread or whatever, I can eat that because he'd count the number of slices he'd he'd measure, he'd eyeball how much milk or whatever. And if there was an unexpected amount gone, you know the amount that he did a lot of meat to eat, then I'd be in trouble. And so I couldn't eat the food in the house. So I'd have to go out and get my own food. And I would do this anytime I got a chance
Unknown Speaker 39:59
and
Unknown Speaker 40:00
The time that I was alone in the house and he wasn't there.
Unknown Speaker 40:03
And what I thought was going on was food addiction, obviously, right? Obviously, I had never heard of binge eating disorder. I was so in diet culture. And I thought that
Unknown Speaker 40:17
needing and wanting to eat the certain types of foods meant that there was something wrong with you, why can't I only just eat, you know, a salad leaf in the morning and be happy for the rest of the day.
Unknown Speaker 40:28
I thought that him telling me what foods I should eat
Unknown Speaker 40:33
was him just wanting me to be healthy, I thought him counting and measuring what food was in their house was to help me not be a food addict. I thought him putting me on a diet and telling me my body was wrong was because he just wanted the best for me.
Unknown Speaker 40:47
And this is an extreme example, right? Like, not everyone is going to be in an abusive relationship where food is used as a control mechanism. But this is exactly what diet culture is doing to all of us. diet culture is saying, your body is wrong, don't eat that. It's bad. I just want you to be healthy. You eat too much food. I care about your health.
Unknown Speaker 41:10
And exactly what he was doing. But you know, not in not in those exact words. But those messages are coming and and yes, in those exact words, too. And it drives us to being disordered around food and believing our bodies are wrong. And I thought my ex was right to treat me the way that he did. And I thought that diet culture was right. And both were abusive. It is not okay.
Unknown Speaker 41:37
So yeah, I thought I was addicted to food.
Unknown Speaker 41:40
He was an alcoholic. And my character flaw, the way that I saw that was that I was a food addict. Those both, you know, there was he was loving me even though I was addicted to food and was fat.
Unknown Speaker 41:58
And I thought I needed to go to Overeaters Anonymous, I thought he needs to go to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I need to go to Overeaters Anonymous away. And I just thought about this, like, I need to fix this, I need to stop being so obsessed with food. And I was I was too scared to go.
Unknown Speaker 42:18
Because this would mean that I'd have to admit to my ex that I had been eating food, you know, because I'd managed to keep this behavior secrets, although I think he probably suspected it.
Unknown Speaker 42:29
And so I just suffered with this cycle. And I and I'm actually very pleased that I didn't go to Overeaters Anonymous, because that would have just been another level of teaching me fucked up shit.
Unknown Speaker 42:41
Yeah, so the reason now that I know that I wasn't a food addict, because food addiction and sugar addiction, it's not a thing.
Unknown Speaker 42:52
It's a thing in regards to food and sugar can bring you pleasure. And it's the exact same pleasure center that is lit up in our brains when we do a thing that is nice, like stroking a dog or watching a funny TV show or seeing our friends or having a really good pool. And we need to do it. So you wouldn't be like, Oh, my God, I'm so addicted to breathing. I'm addicted to blinking. We don't pathologize these normal human functions.
Unknown Speaker 43:25
And what do you think would happen? If we did? What do you think would happen if society said to you, you should stop blinking so much? We should all stop blinking so much. We blink far too often. Try and not blink for two minutes. Okay. You know, if you did try to not blink for a couple of minutes, I don't know how long can go without being blinking. I'm like trying it now. And my eyes are already getting like funny feeling and I need to blink. And afterwards, you would blink a lot, because it's a normal reaction. Like if someone told you don't drink. After not drinking for a while, he would be like gulping water down. Someone told you don't breathe as much. You'll be gasping for air. And then if we had pathologized blinking we'd like see told you can't stop blinking. Look at you just blinking all over the place. I told you not to blink for a minute. And, you know, as soon as my back was turn, you were just blinking and blinking so much blinking really deeply.
Unknown Speaker 44:25
It said Eva, you know, you know, we pathologize eating food and, and drinking gives us pleasure breathing gives us pleasure. And all the times we don't think about it. We're not like every breath being like, that was such a good breath. But you know, sometimes when you're you know, out of breath and you
Unknown Speaker 44:42
take a deep breath in, there's like that level of satisfaction. And obviously food gives you gives you a lot more because it's more complex and it's social and we're getting a lot of needs met when we eat food.
Unknown Speaker 44:53
And also with tradition, traditional addiction, the more that you're exposed to the
Unknown Speaker 45:00
That addictive substance, the more you experience addictive behaviors. So let me repeat that with traditional addiction, the more that you're exposed to the addictive sub substance and more that you experience addictive behaviors, with supposed food addiction, the more that you're exposed
Unknown Speaker 45:21
to food, the less behaviors you experience. And this is, you know, physically and mentally allowing yourself to eat food, the moment that you physically and mentally allow yourself to eat food, those addictive type feelings and compulsions, they begin to dissipate. And now it's a process, you know, it's not, you know, one day you don't wake up and be like, I'm allowing myself or food and then all of a sudden, you're like, I no longer feel addicted. But it is a process of learning that it's okay to eat. It's okay to blink. You know, you've experienced difficult things around this some, you know, sometimes a lot of big traumatic experiences going on with this. And so it's, it's healing.
Unknown Speaker 46:09
And again, yes, like, there's no studies to show that food is addictive the same way that other things are. But what studies have shown is that our reward centers light up, in the same way as if you have someone that you loved in the same way as if you're, you know,
Unknown Speaker 46:32
having a nice walk on a sunny day, you know, and we don't see those things as nefarious is not it's not a bad thing that we get pleasure from things that we need to do in life, you know? So yeah, you're not addicted. You're not addicted. I'm not addicted. We're not addicted.
Unknown Speaker 46:51
So
Unknown Speaker 46:53
and if you still think, you know, I don't know, I don't, I don't know. Imagine if you whatever food is your kind of food that you feel like you're very addicted to imagine if I came to you right now. And I said, Okay, right. You can only eat this thing. Let's say chocolate. Okay, you can only eat chocolate. And if you eat anything much chocolate is really, really bad. It's really, it's really unhealthy for you. If you eat anything but chocolate and your house, I filled it with chocolate top to bottom. turn on the tap, chocolate milk comes out. Open the cupboards filled with different chocolate products, a fridge to freezer everywhere chocolate. And to begin with, you'll be like fuck, yes. And you'll eat the chocolate and you're like, oh my god, this is fucking heaven. I love it. I love it. And
Unknown Speaker 47:41
maybe by the end of the day, you're like, oh, you know, this is cool. Next day you'd like chocolate for breakfast and you'd have chocolate. By the end of the week. You'd like to know what I really fancy.
Unknown Speaker 47:52
Yeah, I want to go to the food court and get a nice, crisp salad. And I'm there watching you being like, Oh, you're breaking your chocolate diet. Oh, you. I thought you said you wanted to be healthy.
Unknown Speaker 48:06
And I can't believe you're doing this. And then you feel guilty. And so you might next time sneak make sure I don't see you eating that salad. Those cold tomatoes. That crisp letters are tastes so good. I think I'm addicted. Are you addicted to salads? You sneak around eating salads whenever you get the chance.
Unknown Speaker 48:32
Right?
Unknown Speaker 48:34
And now this is this is extreme. That's not gonna happen unless you go to Charlie's Chocolate Factory. What I'm saying is you you and you're not like, oh my god, oh my God, I need it. I need this. I need this forever. It's like, it's when you have access to it, those behaviors go away. When you're told that you shouldn't be doing something and it's, it's so terrible, then you want to do it more and when you restrict yourself
Unknown Speaker 48:58
is a natural reaction to need to go in then get that thing. Eat that thing, whatever it is. Okay.
Unknown Speaker 49:06
So what I was experiencing when I felt addicted to food was
Unknown Speaker 49:11
deep restriction, abuse, and gaslighting.
Unknown Speaker 49:17
And you know how I cured this so called food addiction. In actuality, it was binge eating disorder.
Unknown Speaker 49:26
I dumped the boyfriend and began eating food again. Now, after I dumped him,
Unknown Speaker 49:36
I was all over the place, right? And I was eating food but then being like, oh my god, see, I'm not with him anymore. And look at me eating food. He was right. It was really it was really complicated and difficult. So it wasn't like dumped him the next day. I'm running through fields, you know, eating pizza and you know giggling and stuff. It wasn't like that is a slow process. And still even though my
Unknown Speaker 50:01
binge eating behaviors subsided, I still was very much diet culture, and very much believed that he was probably right about me being so greedy and horrible and my body is pretty much locked up. And it is wrong to eat this food and that food, but I was able to start bringing joy and permission back in and I remember very clearly walking down this street with my sister, one of my sisters. And
Unknown Speaker 50:30
had we just gone to the shop. And I bought Cadbury fingers. I don't know if you get them in North America, but they're like little shortbread fingers covered in chocolate. And I bought these and I was eating them as we were walking home. And I was like, This is so amazing. I'm allowed to eat these things. And no one is going to tell me that I shouldn't you know, side note, yes, they will, but not right there. And then I didn't have an abusive boyfriend saying you shouldn't need that. And I was just like, This is amazing. And my sister was like, Well, yeah, you can eat it, you know, no big deal. Yeah, pretty cool.
Unknown Speaker 51:09
And it was kind of bringing back that joy and permission into food. And low and behold, did I need to binge eat as much anymore? No, but obviously, that internal shame was still there. I didn't have an abusive partner, but I was, you know, abusing myself by saying you shouldn't, but it kind of slowly subsided.
Unknown Speaker 51:28
And of course, still a victim of diet culture. And so my eating wasn't
Unknown Speaker 51:35
free from disorder.
Unknown Speaker 51:39
And it's okay to binge by the way, it's okay to binge. And I feel like it was wonderful that I had binge eating disorder as a way to cope. What an incredible way, my brain said brain and bodies was rebelling against this abusive asshole. As soon as his back was turned, I was my brain was given him a big fuck you with my behavior. And I didn't know it. I didn't know it at the time that that was that is what I was doing. I was being so rebellious.
Unknown Speaker 52:15
I was doing it in the best way I was coping in the best way. This was given me a little bit of joy and happiness, and a way to cope. And yes, it wasn't the best way
Unknown Speaker 52:26
to cope long term, but it was what was accessible to me at the time. And it is what I was able to go to. And because of that I was able to survive. I was able to survive this torturous existence that I was living at that time. So thank you to binging disorder. For that you helped me when I needed it. And you served your purpose at that time.
Unknown Speaker 52:57
Eventually, though, it came to a stage where disordered eating didn't serve me anymore. And it wasn't the best option for me. And I found different ways to cope. But if in the day to day life, you feel like you know what, I'm feeling a bit down and I want to eat some food because it makes me feel good.
Unknown Speaker 53:18
Fine, go for it great. If that's what's accessible to you, and that's what works and do it you know, it's all get so
Unknown Speaker 53:29
I'm not addicted food never was. I did have an eating disorder, and diagnosed.
Unknown Speaker 53:36
I was abused in many ways.
Unknown Speaker 53:40
And my eating disorder protected me and helped me cope with the worst time in my life. And I'm I'm thankful I found a way to survive because
Unknown Speaker 53:54
what was the alternative?
Unknown Speaker 53:57
Yeah, so in conclusion, a
Unknown Speaker 54:03
you're not addicted to food or sugar.
54:05
Also, don't even get me started on the kids and sugar thing. There's no studies to show that kids have a reaction to sugar in the way that society tells us. They do. And parents anecdotal observations.
54:26
Many, many parents can't many parents are like, no, no, that's not true. When I give my kids sugar, they go wild or whatever, and all sorts of it. But isn't this there's actually no scientific evidence to show that but like we demonize this stuff like don't give them that because they don't give them any
54:43
any dyes or don't give them you know, whatever because blah blah, you know, oh, but with that, make sure that you give them disordered eating ideas and make sure you tell them to be scared of food.
54:58
Yeah, So there we go. I hope that wasn't too too heavy for you. And
55:07
if you're feeling if you're feeling feelings after this and why don't you just go and have some some self care time, I am going to go to the shop right now to get some toilet roll. Because you know, I love a good Po, guessing toilet roll and get something from a lunch. Because it's lunchtime now 142 bit late and then lunch. But you know, you know, you know? 55:32
Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. And it's sun shining, and it's good and blah, blah, blah. Hey, if you ever have a question that you want to send for me to answer on the podcast, then keep it to yourself, because I don't want to know jokes. just message me anywhere. Email me Victoria at first party.com Send me a message on the grounds.
55:55
Don't send me a message on LinkedIn. I never go on LinkedIn. It's like my feels like my past life is on LinkedIn.
56:03
Because I used to do recruitment right for years. And so I used to be in on LinkedIn every day like messaging people saying, Do you want a job? And now I'm like never on LinkedIn, because it gave me bad feelings to go on there. But then sometimes I'll check and it'll be like someone I knew from years ago being like, Hey, do you want to connect? And it's been like four months before since I checked my messages, and I look like a big massive bellend. And so, yeah, don't message me on LinkedIn, because you probably want to get a response for months and months and months
56:29
instead of days in other channels. Okay. Thanks for hanging out with me today. I appreciate it. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day. And I'll see you in the next episode of the fear study podcast.
56:46
Thanks for listening to the episode and if you feel ready to get serious about this work and want to know when the doors open to fears fatti Academy which is my signature program, where I teach all about how to overcome your fat phobic beliefs and learn to love your fat body. Then go to first party.com forward slash waitlist again that is phase fatty.com. Forward slash waitlist to get your name on the waitlist. For when first party Academy my signature program opens