Episode 39 Transcript

You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast, episode 39. I am your host, Victoria Welsby. And today we are sharing Susie's story from ashamed and obsessed to certified fierce, fatty. Let's do it.

I'm Vinny Welsby TEDx speaker, Best Selling Author, and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self esteem to being a courageous and confident fierce fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living with a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed? Or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century? So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty Podcast Let's begin.

Welcome to this episode, I have a special one for you today, because I have a guest and the guest is someone who is enrolled and completed my E course first fatty Academy. I don't know why I don't I don't tell you about I don't tell you about things keep everything secret. But I don't often talk about first fatty Academy it is my the only way that you can work with me it is my my E course. And more often than not, it's not available to buy. So when you're listening to this episode, you're probably not going to be able to enroll in it. But if you want to be notified of when it's available, then go to the waitlist. So first va t.com forward slash waitlist or I'm going to put the link in the shout outs. Yeah, so you can find it. Can you hear those crows squawking outside? I've put I've opened the window because I'm so fucking hot. Yeah, so hopefully you know tractor goes by but I've already recorded the the episode that's coming with with sue the sous Susie and she is great. And some of the things that she achieved after enrolling in first party Academy is bananas. Like when she shared them like I knew about them before this episode, but I was just like, what, who are you? Who are you? And her transformation was so quick, like, because a lot of people they get to a place where like, fuck this I am so done with this bullshit of hating my body and dieting. And those people are the ones that are the most successful doing this work because they're like, I've had it I've done like they've hit the you know, the final straw or or rock bottom or whatever. And they work to get the results because they are fucking tired of the bullshit. And I know a lot of people listening are tired of hating themselves and thinking that's your diet. So yeah, we've got a Suzy story today. And I think that you're going to resonate with a lot of things that Susie experienced and felt about her body. And hearing about her transformation is really inspiring. It's made me feel really good and inspired and excited. And thinking about all the positive in the world. That the impact that anyone who does this work can make is amazing. It's so good. So here we go. Enjoy Susie's story. And if you want to know when face value Academy is opened, go to first fatty.com forward slash waitlist or click the link in the show notes. So welcome, Susie, I'm so pleased you're here today on the first party podcast. Thank you for having me. Why I wanted you on the show is because you have gone you had an incredible journey. Mind blowing like this some of the stuff that you've done. And so but you weren't always like that. And I think it's really important to show how you went from where you were to where you are now and that it is possible and share someone else's story apart from mine because you know, it's not always about me. You're now a certified fears factory but you weren't always so Let's start at the beginning of your story and your childhood and, and how you felt about yourself then.

Unknown Speaker 5:08

Yeah, so I was a tall child, I was one of the tallest in my school. But that didn't seem too bad. You know, I also had big feet still have big feet and had to get a special shop for my shoes, but my feet were long and narrow. So that was okay. So the first memory I have knowing that there was something wrong in inverted commas with my body was when I was about 10. I think it was I was still at junior school. And I heard my teacher talking to another teacher walking in the corridor behind me and they said that Suzy is really hippy isn't she? And I knew at that age that that wasn't a compliment. And it's so scary. I have never, I'm 46. And I have not forgotten that I can take myself back to that moment. And I can hear the words, I knew exactly the words that were said. And that really left a mark on me. So say I was 10. And about that time as well, I was aware I had this favorite gray striped skirt, long skirt with a split up the back. That was the fashion 80s My favorite skirt, but I was aware that it was the same clothes size as my auntie was wearing an adult and I was 10. So yeah, it started from there, really, and the shame, gradually built about my body. And I quickly learned that being big as a girl was not a good thing. And that it wasn't feminine to be good. You know, I was just too big. And it was confirmed, you know, most things that I did, I did a lot of dancing. And I was one of the biggest girls there. I did a gang show, you know, where Scouts and Guides get together and do a show with singing and dancing. And I knew that I was looking at the top end sizing for the costumes. So I learned quickly that getting clothes to fit me was going to be hard. You know, I couldn't just go, oh, like for fancy dress or something. I'd like to wear that, you know, it was an issue with the clothes. So that was it. Really, you know, from that experience age 10 Where someone planted the seed that my body wasn't right. I then quickly received loads of other messages as well, that I literally I was too big as a girl.

Unknown Speaker 7:17

So is horrifying, saying you're too hippie. And you you're like, what that? What are these people thinking? Like when they make comments about anyone's bodies, but then about children's bodies.

Unknown Speaker 7:30

I know, I'm from a teacher, you know, my teacher, someone you trust, and I could hear them. So clearly, they were just behind me. I don't know, you know how they thought I wasn't gonna hear them. But you say probably didn't think about what they're saying. But that, that has left a mark on me. And that, you know, I'll always remember that I have, you know, sort of different feelings about it. And we're dealing with it, but I won't forget that those words.

Unknown Speaker 7:55

No, no, no doubt. I wouldn't. Absolutely. And so how was you know, you had that one? That that comment? And then you started hearing other things too? And so your your family environment? Were they neutral around body? Were they fat phobic or diet country? Or what was what was that? Like?

Unknown Speaker 8:18

Yeah, I'm basically wonderful, if not the biggest, I'm the biggest female. But one of the biggest people in my family in terms of build. But I don't remember there being much negativity particularly towards my, my body from my family. My you know, my mum wasn't wasn't as far as I'm aware. She wasn't dieting or anything, you know, at that stage. And she was quite happy in her body. But she's in a very different body to me. But most of my messaging came from television, films, magazines, you know, in those days, I can remember because of my scale, the size of my frame, I can remember when I was watching neighbors, and I just wanted to be like Kylie Minogue neighbors because she was so like, dainty and petite. And she could just wear anything she wanted. And, you know, life just seemed so much easier for her. And, you know, that, you know, we're literally extremes. Yeah, I just thought life seemed so much easier for her, to be honest, you know, in terms of clothes and things.

Unknown Speaker 9:25

Mm hmm. And so what about food and the way that you were you related to food as a young person? Was it? Do you think that that was a quote unquote, normal relationship with food at that point?

Unknown Speaker 9:36

Yeah, definitely. I mean, I really enjoyed food. You know, it was comforting. It was fun. I do remember I've always been able to eat quite a lot of food and drink a lot of liquid. I remember my there's a photograph of me. When I'm about to remember my mom telling me I could drink like pints of orange squash. You know, when I was a young child, I've always consumed a lot of liquid and I've always been able to eat a lot of fun You'd and I've enjoyed food, but again, I, I learnt very, you know, young that that wasn't a good thing either. That's not feminine, you know, to do that, to want to have an appetite like that and to want to eat. So I had those messages swirling around as well. And I learned, you know, like most people, what are good foods and what were bad foods. But you know, you pick those up? Yeah.

Unknown Speaker 10:25

Yeah. Isn't it so interesting how, as a child, like, so I have a nibbling who is three years old. And he, you know, if he's got a big appetite, or if he doesn't, it's just kind of like, Oh, if he has a big appetite, it's like, wow, cool. You eat all the food and you drink stuff. And oh, you must be thirsty stay or whatever. Not that I comment on what he's eating. But you know, this is what we think about children. But then, at what stage? Does it become like? Oh, look at Suzy drinking pints of orange juice, too. Oh, look at Suzy drinking pints of orange juice. Like, at what point did we decide? Oh, we're going to shame our children. Not necessarily saying that your family does. But you know, the society in general. Where does that that switch happen? It's just bizarre. Really? Yeah.

Unknown Speaker 11:16

And I think it's often associated with if your body is again, vertical as a problem, you know, then people start to, like, examine your behaviors, don't they? And think that must be the cause of that, you know?

Unknown Speaker 11:28

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And that's, the whole thing is, um, you know, seeing a straight size person on the internet saying, Oh, I'm going to eat 20 burgers and people being like, Oh, my God, you know, I want her to be my girlfriend and stuff. But then if a fat person did that, then you're like, Oh, my God, well, that's why you're fat or whatever. So. So, age 10, things started kind of you started thinking about your body, because people were talking about it very rudely. How did things progress for you in your teenage years?

Unknown Speaker 12:01

Yeah, so I was aware, I was big, basically bigger than other people. And I think, as is natural, and as is the point during puberty, puberty, I put weight on, you know, as my body developed, and I wasn't an early developer, I'm talking about age 1516 here. And so I gradually, you know, didn't want to show my body and I say, getting clothes that I felt okay, in out of the choice of the shops, you know, that I was going to, you know, it was hard. So it was a challenge to dress, you know, challenge to feel good. So I started covering up my body and things. And I was worried what people thought about my body, you know, what people thought about me? So yeah, that that shame really just built over those teenage years? And I wasn't happy with my body.

Unknown Speaker 12:51

Yeah. And so when did you first start to try to manipulate the size of yourself?

Unknown Speaker 12:57

I was 18. So, couple of years later, basically, I just took it upon myself, I didn't follow a special, you know, diet or formulation from anybody else. I just basically restricted my feed. I knew I, it's, you know, you think how did I know that, but I must have seen somewhere. I restricted my food. And I basically, I'd always been quite active, but I did a really strict exercise regime. So the two together, but there was a lot of restricting with the food. And basically, obviously, my body changed. I also had my hair cut short at that stage. So I looked slightly different, but it was like a different image. And I got all the compliments. You know, people were very quick to say, oh, you know, you look so good, or you've done so well. And good for you. You know that one? So yeah, you know, I got the attention. And that felt good, obviously, particularly at that age.

Unknown Speaker 13:55

Yeah, no doubt, like especially if you all have your, you know, all of those years, like eight years from the time you start to do to notice your body and feel bad about it to do something and then seem to turn it off, turn everything around, quote unquote, and get all that love and praise. And so you became smaller. Obviously, it didn't last because diets don't work. So what happened then?

Unknown Speaker 14:24

Yeah, so I I was brilliant Dieter I have been. I mean, I've yo yo dieted for 26 years started then went up to age 44. And so yeah, brilliant Dieter, so much willpower. You know, I'm all for it can keep on until I can't, because my body wins. You know, it's like wanting to be fed. I was so hungry, so deprived of food, and so yeah, my body would win over and because of all the restriction, I would completely go the other way and I would binge because, you know, I was so hungry and I hadn't allowed Have myself to eat loads of things. And I just Yeah, I just did that for so many years. And I really didn't think you know that there was another way of being I was sort of torn between the control, I liked the control of the food because it felt like, you know, my life was in control, and my body was in control. And it's quite addictive that feeling, you know, isn't it, uh, you know, knowing what you're eating and knowing that you're getting smaller, you know, that sort of kind of addictive side to it. So, yeah, and I could go into clothes, shops and buy clothes, most closed shops. I'm at the top end, though, by the way, then. And I was, you know, that that stage, I was one of the thinnest I've ever been. I've been back there many times. But yeah, I could go into closed shops. So that felt good. But my life was so restricted. I was following such a strict regime, I was obsessed. There was no fun, no joy in my life, I was so serious, and so self obsessed as well. Because all I could really think about was my myself and my body and what I was doing, it takes over your whole life. Literally, you have no energy, or you can't take in anything else.

Unknown Speaker 16:17

Yes, absolutely. And so when you are your your smallest when you could go and shop in stores? What did you think of your body, then? Was it a good body? or No?

Unknown Speaker 16:29

No, it was better, shall we say. So I was happier with my body in terms of, you know, what I saw and looked in the mirror. And I knew that there was an ease to the shopping and things and that felt good. But at the time, it's never enough. So it wasn't, I wasn't like, loving my body, I wasn't feeling great about my body by any means. Because you just want to keep on going further and further. And as I say, you know, psychologically, I was in the biggest clothes size, women's clothes size in some of the shops at that time. So I was still big in my mind, you know, so there must be further to go. Yeah, and I was not happy with my body. So I was going through all that. And I wasn't happy with anywhere. I certainly wasn't happy in my life because of all the restriction but I wasn't even that happy with my body.

Unknown Speaker 17:20

And so what types of impact did that have on your life that kind of constantly having to monitor your your food intake and your weight and think about your body? Like, you know, you mentioned it, it takes away your life and stuff? Can you think of any things that you know you missed out on or things that you didn't do because of the way that you felt about yourself?

Unknown Speaker 17:44

I pretty much did things I think that I wanted to but it was always there in the background. You know, I didn't like fully enjoy the things that I was doing, because I was worried. So you know, I may have gone on a holiday with friends, but I would be looking for the sarong was a cover up and you know, so I found a way round things so that I was able to live my life, you know, because I've done that for quite young. So yeah, I carried on living my life. But it was always there in the background, whatever my food habits were at the time, whatever my size were, it was always there. My body was always in the forefront of my mind of what ever activity was involved.

Unknown Speaker 18:28

Yeah, it's like this this way. Well, literally, this on the on your shoulder just constantly, they're just making everything just a little bit shitter or a little bit more anxiety provoking or whatever.

Unknown Speaker 18:41

Yeah, definitely much harder. Much harder. If you go to something with friends like group of friends when you're young. And something's like one size or something. And you don't know if it's going to work that's really hard. You know, even like tights or something, or if fancy dress and there's tight. So I'm you know, I'm tall and I got a bigger frame. They weren't going to fit me, as I always was this I just wanted to fit in these one side. I had this. I just wanted to find it easy for things to fit me. So I was trying to change to make these one size things fit me, you know, but that's the message, isn't it? You're wrong because you don't fit in these things. And I that's what I believed for a long

Unknown Speaker 19:23

time. What else did you believe about about people who had bigger bodies like those negative self beliefs, all those kind of secret things now you're like, oh my god, I can't believe I used to think that about fat people.

Unknown Speaker 19:35

I bought into the idea that if you worked hard enough, you could change your body. I never questioned the fact that people's bodies could be so different, you know, they could be behaving in the same way somebody else and then we'd have a very different outcome. So I thought, you know, there must be a way that you just put the effort in, deprive yourself and then you know, but I know there's no thin body in me I know that now that you are encouraged to believe by, you know, culture by society that that if you work hard enough, you can, you know, you can be thin, you can have that body. So I believed it for so long. I can't believe it. It's crazy. It seems crazy now that I believe that but I did I just thought that my life was just going to be one large diet or you know, diet, not diet, not, you know, sort of yoga yo yoing all my life just constantly chasing this body that I was never going to have.

Unknown Speaker 20:36

Isn't it interesting after 26 years, and you never really got a, you know, the body that you're like, Okay, now I've made it that the power of fat phobia and the power of the dream of fineness kept you going for that many years?

Unknown Speaker 20:53

Yeah. And I think I've I've mentioned to you before, you know, I've done a selection of diets, but I've done serious diets vlcd for very low calorie diets, which, where I was eating no food. So I was, you know, as thin as I could maybe be in my body. And I had complications after gallstone surgery. And after that, I just, I went back to it more than once, you know, I, I mean, dieting is probably the unhealthiest thing I've ever done. The yo yo dieting, particularly. And nothing good came out of dieting. Yeah, it doesn't make you feel better. It doesn't make you feel better about your body. And you know, it's very damaging to your body.

Unknown Speaker 21:39

Yeah. And so what did it feel like? Or what did you believe about yourself when you did when your willpower was stretched to breaking point, and then you stopped the diet and then began, you know, binging or eating food, just eating some food? Like, what did you think about yourself and belief about yourself?

Unknown Speaker 22:00

Well, I felt like I'd failed, definitely failed, that, you know, I there was something I've done wrong, because I couldn't carry on with the diet. So and it's the shame I think, you know, the shame for me, if, because I fluctuated five clothes sizes, you know, all my life up and down, up and down. If someone saw me at one stage, and then saw me a few months later, I could look very different. And the shame of that is huge. Huge.

Unknown Speaker 22:32

Did anyone ever say anything? Like, oh, you've put on way or? No,

Unknown Speaker 22:37

nobody ever said that. But you I could tell I, you know, the sensitive on you to people. And I could you know, it was obvious, it was obvious that my physical appearance had drastically changed. And not just once that was the thing for me. The added shame was not that that happened once was that that happened? Time and time again.

Unknown Speaker 22:58

Yeah. And so did people compliment you when you lost weight after the weight putting on? Yep, definitely. So you're doing? Yeah, yeah. So you knew that they were checking your body and they were noticing your weight, but they would only say something when it was, you know, a good thing. And you were fit?

Unknown Speaker 23:16

Yeah, definitely. Yeah, no one ever said it was a bad thing to diet and all the things. I mean, occasionally I'll you know, be doing something of some sort. Something was a bit silly food wise. But generally dieting was that, you know, that sort of behavior was very accepted because that disordered eating basically is accepted, isn't it? That's a it's okay to do that. Everyone's like, oh, you know, you're gonna die again. That's just normal. Why wouldn't you do that?

Unknown Speaker 23:44

Yeah. Yeah. Right. And really, you know, the act of dieting is, like you mentioned is, there's so many deeply disordered things in there. And now both of us can see it. And so if we ever talk to someone who's dieting, it's kind of like, bizarre and like, why this is not good for your health and your mental your mental health, and oh my gosh, so. So no one ever said to you, oh, Susie, you're you. You're great being big or you're great. Just the way you are anything like that you were kind of encouraged?

Unknown Speaker 24:16

Yeah, I mean, not I wasn't encouraged to lose weight by my family. But as I said, you know, we didn't really discuss my body and my parents at some times were a bit worried about, you know, the diets that I was doing. But generally, my message just came from, you know, the world we live in more generally, I think, because I was 18 When I first took action, you know, about my body. So I was sort of moving out of home and things then. But definitely, yeah, from the society at large.

Unknown Speaker 24:51

And so you got married and now have children. And so what was that? Like? What is it? What was it like being in a partnership and having children and not liking what you looked like,

Unknown Speaker 25:06

when I was actually pregnant, it was great because I could, it was like, I didn't have to worry, it was definitely not a good thing to diet when you're pregnant, even in the world we live in now. So that was like almost a break. Where I didn't feel like I had to put that pressure on myself or anything, I was actually extremely sick, particularly with my first child, so I barely anything when I was pregnant. I felt awful. But yeah, after I had the baby, there's all the pressure to to lose weight and look a certain way. And that's really heavy, because having a baby is huge. You know, it's really challenging. In so many different ways, it changes your relationship with your husband, it just changes your life for the first time, a second child as well. So, but my body, yeah, obviously, my body changed, I put on weight in pregnancy. And then ticularly. In second pregnancy afterwards, I really didn't feel good about my body. I wasn't feeling good about myself, I didn't know ticularly who I who I was, and I, I completely lost control, basically, with my body because I say that time when I was pregnant, I gave myself that time off, but then I'd lost control. You know, I, I didn't know my body was doing its own thing of things I didn't know about particularly the first time. So yeah.

Unknown Speaker 26:28

And what was it like with your, with your husband? Like, was he like, Oh, my God, you're smoking heart? Or, you know, did you accept that he was attracted to you and wanting to be with you and all that type of stuff?

Unknown Speaker 26:41

Yeah, I've never questioned that with my husband, I think he's in a body that also changes and fluctuates. And interestingly, you know, we obviously because we live together, if I'm eating a certain way that tends to affect him. I'm not sure he's never said he's unhappy with it. But you know, that's just the way it's been, you know, when I when I was dieting, so but you know, he, I never, it was more the pressure I was putting on myself than anything. He it was how I felt. And when you feel a certain way, you behave differently, don't you, you know, no matter what actual, you know, messages you're getting from anyone else if you feel a certain way. And then that obviously, affects our relationship, because I was so self conscious about my body.

Unknown Speaker 27:27

And so, because you're self conscious, it would be harder for him to really experience you and get close to you and all that type of stuff.

Unknown Speaker 27:37

Yeah, definitely. I was so disconnected from my body. And from myself, really, I was so you know, when I say dieting takes over your whole life, it leaves very little room for anything else. And it certainly doesn't leave room for that connection, at least not for me. Because, you know, you're so guarded about this aim that you knew, and you're very much looking to the future. So you're not interested in the now because but you know, you're not right yet. So yeah,

Unknown Speaker 28:09

yeah. Like, and then in the future when you're 50. And then, you know, all this magical things were gonna happen. So did you know is your kids picking up on any kind of messages around body and food at all?

Unknown Speaker 28:26

No, I haven't, which I'm, I'm grateful for luckily, I, you know, when I was doing those severe diets, my children were quite young. And so I mean, they may have picked things up, but not, you know, in a very obvious way. And I've I mean, I've got a teenage daughter now she's 14. And, you know, that's a really hard age, as we know, for children. And even though I know what I know, I'm her mum, and it's just me against the world. So I'm hoping that things are all going to work out well. But it's, it's hard. And it's almost harder that I know what I know. And it breaks my heart some of the things that I know, she's taken on board, you know, really, what types of things Has she taken up? Well, now with the social media and things and all the filters, so it's not, it's not just that your body is not good enough is it? It's like in photos, you know, and all the changes and things that happen to your body, when you're a teenager, you can put the filters on and then that's the image that they see of themselves, you know, and when they print photos out with their friends, there's often a filter. So it's even more complicated. And she's definitely aware of, you know, different builds of friends and things and there's just so much pressure on the teenagers. And my son also, I think there's pressure, more pressure these days, but for girls, it's really it is really hard.

Unknown Speaker 29:48

Yeah, absolutely. It just makes it Yeah, I wonder how because we're seeing like this is a you know, a new generation going through this, how it's gonna affect us, you know, children and humans in the future. Did you know that they they can have you can get a filter, which changes your face on video. And so you can be on video and your face could be completely different, literally a different face like there was, I can't remember which country I think it was China, there was a woman who was some sort of cam did gaming or something. And the face that she had on was of this stereotypically attractive person, but then it glitched. And then it turned out that it was an older woman, and then she lost all of her fans. But you know that it just, it's just really interesting. And scary how? Yeah, technology is changing the way that we view ourselves.

Unknown Speaker 30:47

It's so scary, because we know, and I know, from my experience that you can't accept my yourself, if you're constantly trying to change yourself. So all the time, you've got those options to look different and be different. It's very, very hard to accept yourself as you are, isn't it? Like, and that even includes your face? Yeah. I mean, it's very scary. Yeah,

Unknown Speaker 31:11

yeah, absolutely. So obviously, something changed. And something happened to make you think, you know, this is not working for me. And what was that?

Unknown Speaker 31:22

Basically, in my 40s, in my early 40s, I began to feel really quite lonely and lost. And I was starting to ask myself, you know, is this is this my life, I was exhausted by dieting by that point. And I was just sick and tired of fighting my body. I was also fed up with chasing perfectionism, and trying to please other people, to the point that I just didn't know who I was anymore. You know, I was really feeling like, underneath all of that, you know, who am I? So I was really lost. And basically, I found my way. Because I think you have to be at that point where you can't go on these, you know, these days. And this, the way we're living with the power of all the messages and where it gets, you have to be at the point where you're like, I literally can't do this anymore. So, you know, that was the point I was at. I couldn't necessarily isolate it to my body. But I was just like, this is not the way I want to live anymore. I'm just there's just no joy. No enjoyment. So, so serious. And yeah, I just didn't want to live like that anymore. That must

Unknown Speaker 32:35

be so hard to recognize that and also change because your whole adult life, you've been doing this. Like, that's just Yeah, to be able to recognize it and make a change is phenomenal.

Unknown Speaker 32:52

Yeah, I think I was just so ready. I was basically craving something that was real. You know, I was craving connection with myself. You know, when I say I wasn't sure who I was, I was really craving to connect to Tuesday, aside from all those other behaviors, and I was craving connection with other people as well. I just wanted something real. As sort of way I can explain it really? Yeah, absolutely.

Unknown Speaker 33:21

Because I guess you were, you know, never being your authentic self, because you're constantly trying to change

Unknown Speaker 33:27

who you were. Yeah, definitely. And I was the perfectionism and always trying to, you know, chase something, and feeling like, you know, you have to do something else to be happy. So whether that's dieting, spending money, you know, I've done all the things. And so I was basically ready to let that go and go within myself, you know, to find find the answers. Obviously, I had to find what that looked like. Because I didn't know then. Yeah, just do that. I didn't want that anymore.

Unknown Speaker 34:02

Yeah. So you obviously enrolled in first party Academy. And that is why I know you so yay, for yay for knowing you and being in first party Academy. So what made you what made you decide to do first party academy

Unknown Speaker 34:19

or basically because I had to find that that existed, you know, from the point that I was at. So I basically ended up finding out about the mind body spirit publisher, Hay House, and I went on the Louise Hay sort of self love journey. And I started to connect to myself. So I started to be kinder to myself. And then I enrolled in a coaching course, which is something that I've always wanted to do. And on that course I basically worked on letting go of the perfectionism and being my real self, you know, being my authentic self. And while on that course, I think it was an A body image coach or something, I googled and I ended up finding your TED talk. And I was like, what? Literally, I, I had no idea. And I loved your talk. I, I loved your energy, your confidence. And so I looked you up from your TED Talk. But your TED talk was like, you know, literally so foreign to me. I had, I just had no idea that there was another way to be, you know, other than the way that I had been living my life.

Unknown Speaker 35:34

Yeah, yeah, I remember that moment to for me, it was watching. Going to Reagan chest, Dean's website dances with fat. And I was like, What? What is this magical world that I've never even know known that existed? So did you have any hesitations about joining the academy and doing doing the work?

Unknown Speaker 35:55

Yes, definitely. I was, I mean, at that stage, because I think my latest diet that you know, most recently had been a gluten free vegan. And I, I thought I wasn't dieting, you know, until we discussed some of the behaviors that I still had. And you know, like my Fitbit. Yeah, my Yeah, the Restrict I was restricting my food. But I had no idea that I was doing that. And of course, for me having, you know, eaten in a very disordered way, most of my adult life that was really dangerous for me. So I, you know, I had to let all that go. But yeah, I had hesitations I had I was, at that stage, I was worried about putting on weight, I was worried about losing control. I didn't know how I could possibly like my body if I wasn't trying to change it. So I didn't know how that was even going to be possible. And to be honest, I was very scared of the word fat of labeling myself as fat. I'd never have, you know, obviously the word if particularly if you're if you don't know, if you're, you know, like lots of people and you don't have a clue about the messages that you're getting. You know, fat was a bad word, and I didn't, I've done everything I possibly could to avoid that word. So, you know, that was quite a big thing for me to enroll in a course called vs. Fat. Academy.

Unknown Speaker 37:21

Yeah, yeah, that must have been like, wow, when you did it anyway, even though you were like, shitting your pants for various different reasons, which are totally legitimate.

Unknown Speaker 37:31

Yeah, I just knew I felt really drawn. I think I watched one of your web your webinars, before I joined and I just knew I, I knew I had to join. I had really strong, you know, call to join. So I knew that all those other things outweighed those fears that I had.

Unknown Speaker 37:50

Yeah. Amazing. So what were your experiences in first party Academy? What did you achieve?

Unknown Speaker 37:56

Oh, lots of things. I mean, I, it's so it's just so hard to remember back, you know, to this, like anything, when you've been on a massive journey, it's really hard to think the things that you did. But yeah, I mean, it starts with lots of little things, doesn't it? So, you know, it's like, I chose one of my goals in the academy was choosing a swimming costume and a style that I wouldn't normally choose. So it was white, predominantly white with blue spots, but also a cut that I wouldn't normally do. Normally, where I'm wearing that to the swimming pool. And then I kind of got a taste for it, because I think it was just so opposite to all the other behaviors and it's so freeing, isn't it? You know, to let all that other stuff go is just so freeing, and you feel like really connected to yourself, which is what I was after what I was craving Yeah, and I I'm I went to self love summit event, and I ended up and I didn't even plan to do this. So I had really not great underwear. You know, normally if I'm going to do something out of my comfort zone, I'd want to prep and make myself feel as good as I could about it by putting some decent underwear on but I had, you know, like not great knickers and I think my bra wasn't in great condition. But we got invited as part of the day to go up on the stage and take your clothes off down to your underwear and sing Chesney Hawkes I am the one and only and I love that song anyway. So I was and she said at the beginning of her talk that that was what she was going to do at the end. So I I wasn't sure what I was going to do it and I just thought Yeah, I am I'm going to do this and I just I something in me just made wanted to do it and I didn't question it too much. I got up and done it. I got off and I did it. And it's just the feeling that yeah, the liberation and the power because literally I've taken my own power back what was taken away from me for so for so long. And it's it's a really great feeling.

Unknown Speaker 40:00

And so now like that stuff is so bloomin incredible. Like, when you told me about getting up on stage at that self love summit in your underwear and dancing and being one of the first to get on stage, I was just like, why it's so easy to say

Unknown Speaker 40:16

that I was one of the first to go, I didn't know whether anyone else was gonna come and stand in front of me.

Unknown Speaker 40:22

You're just doing it. I don't care about my underwear, like, who cares? Amazing. And so a lot of people will say, in that moment, Weren't you worried about people judging? You?

Unknown Speaker 40:34

know, it's, it's a really strange one, actually. Because I used to be so judgmental. I was judgmental of myself, I was judgmental of other people, and therefore, you know, I expected to be judged. And even though if I stop and think about it, I'm aware that people may be judging me. I just, I just don't think that way anymore. It's so much more important to me, that I feel this good, you know, the way I do about my body and that I'm free to do these things. I have such a different approach that I yeah, I just don't think about, I just don't think about it in that same way. I'm not so obsessed with all those. You know, those thoughts? They just don't, they just don't come as often saying they never come. But yeah, because you're a human

Unknown Speaker 41:25

being after? Yeah. And so how do you relate to food? How many times have you dieted since since joining Fitzpatrick anime?

Unknown Speaker 41:32

I haven't. So that would be almost I think it's nearly coming up for two years since I last had that very restricted. Way. So yeah, food is a source of pleasure, again, which is, is such a lovely thing. And I really like eating, you know, different foods. And I take a lot of pleasure, and it feels really good to feed myself in a way that, you know, my body's asking to be fed, because I've always denied myself, the foods, you know, that I fancied. And definitely in the quantities that I needed. So it's really nice to not have those rules. And, you know, when I'm hungry, and I think I shouldn't be hungry. You know, I think no, I'm, I'm hungry. You know, and I'm listening to my body. Because obviously, like, most dieters, I've ignored the hunger side hunger signs for, you know, a long time.

Unknown Speaker 42:26

And so what do you think of your body now?

Unknown Speaker 42:32

I respect it, and I accept it. And I'm loved. I'm, you know, I love it, I'm on the journey to the loving it. But I, I'm proud of it, I'm proud of the things, you know, that it's done for me and the things that it allows me to do. And I'm trusting it, learning to trust it. And, you know, it's learning to trust me. So I feel like, I'm sort of in a relationship with it. Whereas before, I was constantly fighting it and distinct myself. From it, I felt like it had let me down massively, you know, I just thought I was just so disappointed with it before. So yeah, I have a very different relationship with my body.

Unknown Speaker 43:11

Amazing, amazing. I love it. And so what is possible for you now that you're not spending your whole life trying to not be fat,

Unknown Speaker 43:23

anything, basically the things that I really want to do. So one of those was training to be a coach, and also starting my own business, which I never would have had the headspace to do before. Because, you know, dieting takes over your whole life, doesn't it? It takes you know, a lot of your resources. So your money, time, energy, I mean, I was so invested in dieting. So now I'm just freed up energy wise. And, you know, I believe in myself. So I've been able to do things that I've wanted to do, but I was too scared to do and didn't think I, you know, I could do. And generally I'd say I'm, I'm less judgmental. I'm a softer kind of person, I think I'm a lot less serious, because dieting makes you really serious. I want to have a lot more fun in my life, and I living my life. Now. You know, I'm interested in what I'm going to do later. And you know, the things that are going to make me feel good, rather than thinking that I don't deserve any of those things. And at some point in the future, I might deserve this, that and the other. I feel like I deserve those things now.

Unknown Speaker 44:33

Mm hmm. Oh, so good. So good. And so he's had a positive impact on your life, but I'm presuming like a side effect is there has been an impact on those around you. What type of impact have you seen with those around you?

Unknown Speaker 44:49

Yeah, definitely. I mean, with my children, I'm much more laid back. Not all the time sleep. I've What's your teenagers? Yeah, but I just Yeah, I'm just trying to sort of look at a situation rather than having all these labels and judgments for things because I had so many shirts before, you know, because dieting does that to you, doesn't it not just about your body, there's so many things, you know, that the right and wrong and should do and shouldn't do. And even things like, my daughter has been asking me to dye her hair pink for a little while now. And obviously, at the moment, because of the pandemic, she's not at school. So I let her do it. And I didn't even say, I'll come with you and choose the dye. We don't try to be really controlling. And I'll do it. I, you know, we said to her friends could do it. My husband did end up having to buy a second pack. Again, a bit patchy. But yeah, I just feel like I'm much more easygoing as a person, I'm more forgiving, because I'm more forgiving of myself. I'm more forgiving, you know, of other people. And obviously, for my husband, that's, you know, had an effect as well on our relationship, because i i Because I expect less ridiculous things that you know, myself have. I don't have those ridiculous standards, I approach our relationship and him in a different way as well. And I'm much more for fun and pleasure, you know, pleasure for food, but pleasure generally. So, obviously, you know, that's a really good thing.

Unknown Speaker 46:21

Yeah, yeah, good shame. Oh, my gosh. So could you have imagined, like, when you were in, you know, in your 20s and 30s, doing all that dieting, that you would be sat here today doing, you know, doing your business? We'll talk about that in a second. Was that a possibility?

Unknown Speaker 46:38

No. And I'm just No, I say I just resigned myself to the fact that that was my life, I was just going to have to constantly fight. And you know, it was gonna be hard. And I was just, you know, in a body where I just have to accept that that's hard, you know, I'm not going to be able to easily buy clothes, or do things are gonna have to worry, you know, if I fit in things like those white plastic chairs, you know, just so many things, little things were just hard. And I was obviously made to think that they were extremely important. And I just, you know, wanted to blend in. So it's very hard to believe that I have found happiness and freedom, like I never, you know, thought I would, by behaving in a very, very different way.

Unknown Speaker 47:29

Because you thought happiness and freedom would be would come from having a small body. Yeah, it's definitely different. Yeah. Amazing. I love it so much. And so now that you, you said, Fuck off the diet, it's you. You mentioned about your coaching, training to be a coach and now having your own business, what's the name of your business? And what do you coach about.

Unknown Speaker 47:52

So my business is called shears, unapologetic, which I absolutely love. And it just sums up for me, you know, the stopping dieting, but the dropping perfectionism as well, and the people pleasing and just, you know, going for something that really means something to yourself, and, you know, finding yourself again. So basically, I'm a self love and body confidence coach. And I work with women who don't feel good enough. But I've had enough of not feeling good enough, I'd say so they've had enough of playing small hiding away. And so I help them basically to rediscover themselves and to reconnect with themselves and accept themselves, including their bodies. But so that they can be free and stand in their truth and be seen and change the world and do things you know, that like I have been able to do, because it does free you up and you can start to think about, you know, what do I actually care about, and this work means a lot to me. I've always wanted to help women in some way, improve the lives of women, I did some work out on quite a while ago now as an image consultant. And although you know, I love clothes are so fun, aren't they, you know, they can make you feel so different. And it's, it's lovely to tune into what you really like and, you know, building your outfit outfits and things but the work I was doing there was obviously, you know, the shoulds and should not woven into that, like, oh, you know, you shouldn't wear that you're with that body type. And, you know, this is how you can dress to disguise this bit of you. So you know that that's just that was the nature of the work. So I wasn't comfortable with that even at that stage. So this really feels like work. Yeah, that I was sort of born to do really, I'm I'm just so passionate about it. And I really enjoy it. It feels like the real me and I never would have dead you know don't do the training or um You know, been brave enough to launch my business, you know, to build my website myself to do all this learning, I just wouldn't have had the capacity for it either.

Unknown Speaker 50:12

So exciting. And I think our story's the same of discovering this stuff and just needing to get out into the world and say to other people, so that, you know, other people can discover you and be like, Oh, that one time I read like a blog post that Susie wrote, and I was like, Oh, my God, it's okay to be fat. And then, you know, they start their journey. And he just, you know, all the good in the world is amazing. So cool. And so your website is, she's unapologetic.com. Yep, it is. And your social media is she's unapologetic.

Unknown Speaker 50:47

It is on Facebook. So my Facebook pages facebook.com forward slash is unapologetic, and on Instagram, I'm Suzy Jane Bell, my name, but the links to my social medias on my website. But so people can contact me via my website as

Unknown Speaker 51:03

well. Amazing. Yeah. So there's another resource for you make sure you check out Susie's website. And, you know, this is an incredible. So impressive story, because you did it so quickly. Like it's two years since you joined the academy. But it wasn't two years to get for you to get to this point. You did it really, really quickly. And you just floored me which which goes to show how coachable and how ready you were for this stuff. And you just did it, you just did it, saw results. And you're announced, able to get on with your life and just be fabulous and incredible. So yeah, thank you for sharing your story. I really appreciate it. I know that the listeners will. And thanks for being on first party Academy. Actually, you know what, I realized that I forgot to ask you, because I like people getting to know other sides of, of humans as well, that and we were going to talk about this too, because another one of the things that you did was around a Michael Ball concert. So I wanted to ask you a fact about you that, you know, people might not know and so they've got a lot of people who've got to know you a little bit but share us share a fact that might involve Michael Ball.

Unknown Speaker 52:27

Yeah, so I've always liked Michael Ball. I love musicals. I love Les Mis. So I you know, knew about Michael Ball A while ago. And he's got a show on BBC Radio too, as well in the UK, which I love. And he was touring last year and, and my husband got tickets to go locally. And yeah, he towards the end of his concert. We were downstairs, not that far from the front. And so he invited people out or people I don't think invited people I think people just started going up to dance. And I had been to a concert a few months earlier. And I had wanted to stand up and dance and join them but I didn't see you know, as on my journey. And this concert I thought I want to go I don't care. I was I was with my husband but he stayed in the seat. So I just left my bag. And I just went to the front and I just don't I obviously there was other people dancing but I didn't know them. And I just enjoyed myself and he sang love changes everything which I love I know all the words it's always fun singing that great there him and dancing and he did the one of the numbers from hairspray. So obviously, you know, he's he's well known for that as well. And it was just fun, you know, pure fun, and I didn't worry what I was wearing who was looking at me from behind and judging my body I just wanted to do it and I enjoyed it and I'm so glad that I did you know I walked away from there no regrets wanted to and you know had a great time.

Unknown Speaker 53:55

So the love of Michael Ball just gave you even more joy. Yes, you were there dancing and I had that with Kate Nash. Do you remember Kate Nash? She was like she's been nine years ago. Yeah, she's I used to always say oh, she's fat but she's She's so lovely. ever so slightly chubby sometimes but anyway, you'd know her music anyway. So I remember when I went to see her and I was like fuck it I don't care I'm just gonna go and sing and dance and because I loved her so much so yeah, so there we go little facts for you obsessed with Michael Ball All right, well thank you for being here. Susie you're the best.

Unknown Speaker 54:36

Thank you for having me and thank you so much as well for you know for FIS fatty Academy and all that I learned in there because it's changed my life forever. You know, I'm never going back. So I'm really grateful for

Unknown Speaker 54:49

all thanks Susie. Well, there we have it Susie. OH MY GIRL Do you think she went onstage in like some ratty old underwear? I was thinking like, would I have done that? In that moment? I don't know. A lot of times I wear like thongs and shit and like see through stuff so unless people wanted to see my flaps and my bumhole when I don't know, but you know, I do like having a dance in my bikini. So yeah, really shows what is possible. When you do this work when you have a system that you follow, to, you know, work to overcome. And how many years 26 years, Susie's was was on this roller coaster dieting, trying to change her body's 26 years. And then she just turned it around that quick. Like what? So yeah, just I wanted to illustrate how, you know, it is possible, obviously, obviously, but you know, in case you're tired about hearing about me all the time, then they're Suze I'll give you tired about hearing about me because I'm a burr are jokes digsdigs Oh my but not jokes because I am amazing. All right, so thank you for hanging out with me today. It has been amazing. And yeah, get on the waitlist and I'll let you know when face value Academy is open again. And yeah, you're the best. Okay, see you later crocodile in a while alligator by fifth Fathy.