Episode 96 Transcript

Welcome to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm your host, Victoria Welsby and this is episode 96. Today, we're talking about fat feederism, food police voices and will fatness "catch up with us".

You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm Victoria Welsby TEDx speaker, bestselling author and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self-esteem to being a courageous and confident fierce fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living in a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter. Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century. So how do you stop a negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty podcast. Let's begin.

1:19

Hello, fatties, welcome to this episode, hope life is treating you amazing way. I'm feeling very proud of myself. You remember I told you a couple of weeks ago, I got my hair cut. And I had a gender dysphoria experience because the hairdresser was like, oh, we'll make it so feminine, and you're brand new woman and all that type of stuff. Instead of just getting a new hairdresser. I went back and told them how I was feeling. I just like pass no Greg growth.

So they said that the hairdresser said that you can all come back within a month and I'll give you a little I'll give you a free trip. That's apparently with most hairdressers, you can do that. And so I was like, Okay, I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do it. And so when I called up to get in for this 15 minute kind of trim appointments. I told the receptionist Hey, by the way, can you make a note on my file? So that hairdresser knows that I am non binary? And my pronouns? Are they them.

And when I got there, I said, Oh, I'm sorry, I last time when I came in, I didn't ask you what your pronouns are. And she said, she her. And I said a great minor, they them, I'm actually non binary. And we sat down, I said, Hey, so I didn't do a very good job at communicating with you. And this is how me having long hair on the back of my head makes me feel. And she was amazing. She was like, thank you so much for letting me know and coming back. And she spent 45 minutes give me a sick, fade, and some free products. And it was great. So there we go. speaking up for myself, it paid off. I'm very, very proud of myself. Thank you. Thank you.

So it's kind of hard, right? Because I don't like being a quote unquote troublemaker. Like, I think it's like a British thing isn't a big British thing. It's probably an all world thing that you know, like, you're in a restaurant and you get served and and you know, there's like pubes in the food and pieces of dogshit. And, and the and the server comes and says how is everything and you're all amazing. Oh my god, the best meal I've ever eaten in my life. Get the chef out here, I need to praise them. Leave a tip of 100% because you don't want to ever make a first like, you know, that's the kind of for me, everyone experiences that right? And then learning to it's okay to say sometimes actually, I just noticed that there's a Cuban food, because I do think I could have a new one. That's okay, doesn't mean that you're a bad person. So I'm practicing practicing that symbol. So this episode today I am answering questi ohms that I got in listener questions. If you want to ask a question, then go to the show notes.

We're at episode 96. So to get today's show notes is face value.com forward slash 096 for Episode 96 096, Episode 96, or just forward slash podcast and you'll see the show notes in the show notes. There's a link to submit a question. So if there's anything that's on your mind that I've not covered, or even if I have covered and you want to know more, then submit a question and then I could maybe answer it for you. Yeah, sound fun sounds good deal. Yeah, amazing. Great. Do it gone. Done.

And so our first question today is from Elizabeth. This is what Elizabeth says, Hi Victoria, while talking to a friend who said she needed to, quote, lose weight to be healthy. I explained to her that there are many ways to work on health. She seemed open to hearing more. And so I told her about how I stopped dieting, since they do not work, and started working on incorporating sustainable healthy behaviors that did not include dieting. I told her that since I started approaching my health this way, my health markers have continued to improve year over year, and I feel better and more confident. Her response was, it will catch up to you eventually, if I don't lose weight. I honestly did not know how to respond to this. And I would love to hear how you might have responded to this type of comment. Thanks for all Youngstown. Agha, my Elizabeth. I ended up on the end.

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So this is a great question. Great question. You know what, sometimes when we are like, Baby fats, like baby fat cells in fats who are new to the fat acceptance, movement, or any, anywhere you are in the vat acceptance movement, sometimes people will say comments, and you're like, oh, do I have a point? I don't, I have not come up. I have not come across this anymore.

Before so I don't know what to say. And even even if you've been doing fat acceptance stuff for forever, you still will have times where people say something and your brain is just like, Oh, shut down, don't know how to respond. So this is totally normal, but that you didn't know what to know what to say. As an outsider who is not in that kind of situation where someone's saying is going to catch up with you, where I might want to just do a roundhouse kick to their mouth and say fucky my relaxed brain is saying that her her logic doesn't make sense, right? It's it's, it's not logical. Or that you know, you've set you said year over year you are feeling better, and everything just feeling good for you.

And it's like, it's gonna catch up to you. Do you know what that made me think? You know, in like movies, like, do you remember big? I think I've spoken about big before. must love big I've haven't seen it in years. I need to rewatch it with Tom Hanks. I love Tom Hanks. Please, Tom Hanks. Don't be a predator. Please don't come out. But you're that you're weird. Tom Hanks. You're Tom. Tom. I am I'm putting on my love of sis men in you and Will Smith view turned out to be creeps, then I'm just gonna die.

So please, Tom, obviously who listened Tom Hanks? Yes. So anyway, big the film. What he makes, he goes to like a fortune telling machine and it says something bla bla bla, or makes him into a kid or whatever. That's what it made me think of like, like fat people have made a deal with the devil to we're going to sell our soul in a trading also, in order to be fat. And then it's going to catch up with us because we made a deal with the devil. And on our deathbed, we're going to be like the devil is going to as we're dying, the devil is going to come and you know, imagine like the Grim Reaper being like the whole remember when you were 13. And you made that deal. I'm coming here to take your soul because you're fat. Let's say you made me think like, it's just ridiculous.

So you know, that's not probably a helpful response. But that's just what my brains it. So my response would be to if someone said that if I had the spoons, if I had the capacity, I might just be no be like, You know what? Celia may come forward with this yet. But if I had the capacity, my response would be something like, What makes you say that? Or why do you believe that? And they'll probably say something like, oh, well, if you keep being fat, you're going to get diabetes. And then you can say something like, yeah, I can understand why you may think that because of our fat phobic phobic society, but actually, diabetes is largely a genetic condition, and you can't eat your way into being diabetic. And they'll say, well, well, well, what about heart disease? And you can say, Yeah, I can understand why you might think that because we live in such a fat phobic society that says that fat people are all going to have heart attacks at any moment.

But people of all sizes get heart disease and losing weight actually has very Very, very little effect on my chances of getting heart disease. And they might go on and on and on. You can go to I mentioned this all the time, but Hayes health sheets, Hayes health sheets, H EY S Health sheets, for a little rundown on the common things that people like, Oh my God, you're gonna die any second. And it's normally all about health, right? It's gonna catch up to you because she's not good. She's not saying is gonna catch up to you, AKA your sense of well being and your confidence that's going to catch up to you. They're thinking about health, probably right.

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So this person is due in fatphobia. And they really believe that being fat is a death sentence. And when we know that that's not how it works. Science doesn't tell us that. But you know that phobic society does tell us that. And so we kind of have to meet people where they are. And it sounds like you presented some really cool information. Maybe you planted a seed? Maybe not. And they weren't maybe able to hear more at that time. Perhaps if you said, Oh, what about that, you know, she said, diabetes, cancer, heart disease, eating the babies, you know, all of those common things, then you you maybe if you had had talked to her about the science and stuff she might have, she might have come a bit closer to that idea. But maybe not.

You know, it's not your job to educate people for free. And sometimes, educating people can cause you to come up against bigotry, which is actually harmful to you. And so your friend was really lucky that you took the time to share a little bit with them, maybe plant that seed, this is maybe the first time that this person's ever heard any, anything like that. And as well, you know, it's not okay that you experienced that bigotry, but putting yourself in the shoes of where you were when you heard this information. If anyone I was at when I read Health at Every Size by Dr. lindo bacon. And so I was right for the I was ripe for the picking, I was there on the cusp, I was ready to hear this information.

But maybe if I got that information a month or two earlier or a year earlier, that type of information, I would have been like, whatever losers, fat people can suck my tears Even though I was a bad person. They're also great in my eyes, you know, and so maybe they're not there. And that is okay, too. It's not your job. But the big thing is when someone comes out with a statement like that, it's just to ask them like what why do you why do you think that? And they'll come out with the good old kind of zingers while everybody know.

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And then you can say, do they is it is that backed by science. But also protect yourself because, you know, it's exhausting to be running around with all of the fat folks in the world. Right. Okay, so hope that helped Elizabeth. Now we've got a question from cat cat says, Hi Victoria. Your podcast is my favorite. Thank cats. You're so funny and entertaining. Sankey cat.

Thank you for helping expand my awareness and educate me. Recently I have been struggling with my inner critical food police quote food police voice. I get thoughts like quote, you're eating too much. You shouldn't have another snack, even though I'm doing well to honor my hungry eat when and how much I want. The voice is still there. Do you have any advice to help me deal with this and eat without judgment like I deserve? Thank you so much, cats. I love that last line. Eat without judgment like I deserve. Oh, can I love it? You do? We all deserve that? Ah, and just an FYI, this is totally normal. I bet you most people who are listening to this who are on an intuitive eating journey would be like, Aha, me two cats. I even come up with this voice from time to time.

So it's totally normal because I'll tell you why. We live in diet culture we live in fatphobia. So it's a constant. Combating those messages of what we can eat and what we should eat and lalalalala like if you were if you were learning, intuitive eating and You were just living in a society. Imagine if you lived in a society where it's intuitive. Everyone was an intuitive eater. You know, everything that you watched was intuitive eating, all the social media that you were looking at was intuitive eaters, right? You it would be a lot easier to remove those types of thoughts. But because we live in the exact opposite, it's it's very difficult. And so it's kind of like a push and pull all the time. And this this process, it's a normal part of unlearning fatphobia, and diet culture. And it means that you need to lean in to those experiences to that food, whatever it is even more and take some time to try and dissect and see if you can work out what is going on.

And what is coming up for you. And notice I bet you I bet you you're not It's not that you're snacking on carrots and your brain says, Do you really need another carrot? Stick your eyes? O'Grady? I bet you it's other things that society has told us are bad, right? It's probably not Charis it, maybe it is maybe I don't maybe it is, but I'm guessing it's probably foods that we have decided, are quote unquote, bad. So I want you to take some time.

And the next time you notice this feeling, it might come up all the time for you. But the next time you can catch yourself noticing this feeling. Take some time to answer these questions about what's going on. So what history do you have with this food item? What history do you have with this food item? I know certain foods with for me. i There's a big emotional draw. And I need to work through those foods way more than other things that maybe I've never seen before. You know, like for example, Oreos, to me Oreos like me nothing. Because Because I'm British. We didn't have Oreos, and so they mean nothing. And then when I eat an Oreo, I'm just like, whatever, because there's no emotional attachment there. Whereas someone else might be like, Oh, my God, Oreos. Oh, they're the best thing ever. And that's fine. That's just a part of your history with that, that food.

So what is your history? What is your emotional connection with that food? There's no right or wrong answers. It's just getting curious. Right? So why do you feel like this around this food and not another food? Why do you think why is it that this food item that you're currently exploring? has things that come up for you, whereas other things, not so much? Next answer, what happens if you did eat many of that food? Like what happens if you just let yourself listen to that voice? And you might be listening? You might be

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eating the thing anyway. But hearing the voice and being like, Oh, shut up. When I eat anyway, I can leave me alone. So what happens? But if you were to eat a lot of it, write that down? What would happen if you put on weight? Like what would that mean about you? What would that mean? What would weight gain mean? About you? As a human? What would that mean? Next answer? Why do I feel guilt? Why? Why do I feel guilt? What does guilt mean for me? What does guilt mean? For me? Is guilt? keeping me safe? Is guilt keeping me safe? And how do you benefit if you feel guilty? And how do you benefit if you had food freedom?

So answer those questions. See what comes up. And I don't know what's gonna come up for you. I don't know what's good. I don't know what's gonna come up. But I like thinking about these voices, these kind of guilty voices when they pop up. It's a real gift. Although it can feel really frustrating when you hear these voices being like, they're great a bit. It's a gift because it tells us where we still need to do work. It's like a roadmap, right? It's just a really helpful thing to say, hey, you still kind of feeling a lot of ways about this and that so maybe you should explore that some doesn't mean anything about you that you're bad or that you haven't done the work, it just means that, oh, here's a little kind of spot that needs a little bit of exploration.

Also, whatever it is the foods that you're having these voices around, they're not inherently bad. No food is inherently bad. We all have different foods that we think are bad that we fixate on, I find it so interesting, like hearing about people's particular food, and I'm like, really, because I never even considered that as a quote unquote, bad food. I just thought that that was just a food that, you know, was a good, you know, like a, just an average type of food, you know, quote, unquote, average type of food, but and so it's like, it's not, it's not an inherently bad thing. It's not that, you know,

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food is ranked on like a scale of the baddest, and the good St. You know, because they it's just not, you know, one person's one verse persons, quote, unquote, bad food is another person's meth food. So I want you to know that whatever food you are having those thoughts about, it doesn't mean it's because that food is about food. It's because there's some sort of history, there's some sort of relationship there. That that would benefit from some increased exploration. So I hope that helps cat. I hope that helps for anyone else who's struggling with that.

Okay, our last question is from Isabella. Isabella says, I recently became single after dating slash being married to the same person since I was a teenager. He was very petite. And I'm not, we pretty much avoid avoided talking about size and weight, and I assumed the reason he cheated was because he wanted someone thinner. And I was unattractive. In fact, is it because I'm fat was one of the first things to come out of my mouth when I found out and we broke up.

Now I've joined the dating scene, and I get a lot of attention as a BB W, or quote, super curvy, as men often referred to me. In fact, hundreds of messages a day on dating sites, I started feeling myself and even got into modeling as a plus size glamour model, which is going well. My question is about a guy I'm seeing who is just one of many men in this category, and he fetishize his fat women. I feel like I neither want to be with someone who only likes me because I'm fat, but also don't want to be with someone who would rather I wasn't. So where does sexual preference begin and fetish? And is it okay, as long as I'm okay with it. The thing that concerns me most is that he says he wouldn't find me as attractive. If I was smaller, and would want me to put on weight if possible. As an intuitive eater, I always eat what I fancy and never weigh myself. So the thought of trying to control my weight or size feels. Feels very uncomfortable. Hope you can help. Thank you very much, Isabella. Alright.

So I've done I did an episode I do a whole episode on fat fetishism? I don't think I did. I know I've spoken about this before. But this is like a lot of people ask about this. I wouldn't, you know, in the in the DMS and stuff. So I think this is important because I've got another question like this. So I think it's important to talk about this again. And, Isabella, your question, and your question kind of comes up shows the answer in the question. It's like, Aha, this is what it sounds like. This is what it sounds like. So I'm gonna read back some of the things that you said.

So you said, I feel like I neither want to be with someone who only likes me because I'm fat. You Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't want to be with someone who only likes me because I'm fat. Because that's dehumanizing. It doesn't feel good. Unless you're like, unless you you're into that you like you know that it's like a kink of yours to be dehumanized. And that's fine, whatever. But genuinely speaking. Someone liking us for only our our body is its objectification, right. And objectification leads to a whole host of things that are not great, including violence. And so we want to avoid that. Unless it's consensual again, okay, so any of this stuff. If both parties or however many parties are involved with it, We're all like, fuck yeah, I like this shit and it feels good to people, then that's fine. So, you know, it may work for one nightstand, but it sounds like it's the same old body policing. And it doesn't feel good. You say it doesn't feel good. So this person you said, Only would want you to put on weight if you lost weight. Like that's like body policing, right? So I think that's your answer with that guy. You asked this question, which was really interesting. Where does sexual preference begin and fetish end? So that's a really great, great question. And so let's start with what a fetish is. And this is a quote from Is it okay to have a fetish written on greatest?

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Doesn't say who the author is. Just weird. Mess. I can't see it with my eyeballs. It's not very nice to the author overnight. Nicole Nicole McDermott. So is it okay to have a fat fish or to have a fetish full stop. So it starts ladies underwear, animal costumes and rubber balloons might not sound sexy to everyone. But for some people, there are a huge turn on sexual fetish fetishes describe unconventional sexual behavior, and they can be part of a set of a healthy sex life. But sometimes fetishes get in the way of relationships with friends, family, and romantic partners. So when is asking your partner to wear business socks in the bedroom? Okay.

The term fetish is hundreds of years old. It comes from the Portuguese word, Federico meaning obsessive fascination. Today, the word fetish refers to a recurrent fantasy urge or behavior that sexually arousing and last for at least six months, fetishes can involve anything from items of clothing to non genital body parts like feet, but they don't mean that someone's a freak. sexual fetishes are kind of paraphilia or atypical sexual behavior. So I will link up to that in the show notes.

But basically, it is what it's saying. And that last line is a fetish is something a typical? So not typical, which is suggesting that liking fat people is unconventional. Which for me doesn't sit right, you know, just liking fat people. Do you know is that unconventional and atypical? It didn't feel good to me to categorize it as that. And some people argue that there are no such things as fetishes. And that, you know, what we would class as a fetish fetish is just a normal part of sexual acts self expression. And so you know, putting a label on it as, as a fetish can cause some people to feel like it's something bad when it's not as long as it's consensual, right? So I would say that liking fat people isn't a fetish. It's just liking human beings, right?

And considering most of the world population as fat, one of the world population, most of like the North American population is fat. Then, even most people are aware the fat person, right? So it's just, you know, my eyes, you know, like in a human being, I think feeder ism would be classed as a fetish. So feeder ism, if you're not aware, it's it's, it's sometimes people would like to feed their partner, maybe feed them a lot of food or feed them food, which they hope will help them gain weight.

And some feeders, like there's feeders and the feed ease. I think that's what yeah, that's what you call them. And so they would like watching maybe filming their partner eating food, feeding it, feeding it to them, watching their weight increase. And obviously, not everyone is the same. Some might be like, you know, I just enjoy cooking for my spouse. And some might be

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more of the involved in all of that type of stuff. And the person, the feeder and the fee are both enjoying this relationship, right? It's consensual. So and there's nothing wrong with having a fish by the way, as long as Yeah, as long as everyone's safe as possible and everyone's consenting, and the thing is, sometimes I think it's Some people can be vulnerable, especially if you live in a world, which we do. That says that being fat isn't attractive.

And then like this, like Isabella has experienced getting out of relationship and realizing, actually, there's a lot of people who really want to get with me. Sometimes people self esteem needs time to catch up in regards to setting boundaries, and speaking up for themselves. And so sometimes there can be this situation where people are in a relationship, they don't like what's going on. But I feel like they don't have the agency to speak up and say, I'm not really into it, for whatever reason, in lots of different circumstances. And so I just want to say, no matter who you are, you've always got the right to say, I'm not into this, or I'm really into this, wherever it falls, that's, that's, you know, to know that you don't have to put up with things that you don't like in any type of situation, any type of behavior, just because you have a bigger body. There are many, many, many people out there. Just like Isabella said, hundreds of messages a day, holy shit, I don't know what site is better was on but I wasn't gonna get on it. I want those hundreds of messages.

So, Isabella goes on and says, Is it okay? As long as I'm okay with it? Yes, yes. Yes. If that's, if you're okay with it, then it's okay. Right? If you're both okay with it, it's okay. But you, you said that you don't want to be with someone who only likes you for your body. So maybe you can set some parameters around what does and what doesn't feel good for you, this person or with other people. You cope, you go on to continue. The thing that concerns me most is that he says he wouldn't find me as attractive if I was smaller, and would want me to put on weight if possible. As an intuitive eater, I always eat what I fancy and never weigh myself. So the thought of trying to control my weight or size feels very uncomfortable.

So that's like, that's the answer right there makes you feel uncomfortable. It makes you feel uncomfortable. I wonder you know, just exploring that of like, why does it make you feel uncomfortable? There's no right, right or wrong answer there. I was thinking about this, like, would I want to date someone who is a feeder and I was you know, thinking about this, I haven't ever come across this myself in my dating life. I don't think I'm on the right websites.

But I don't think that I would like to think about someone feeding me or wanting encouraging me to eat more than I want for their satisfaction it kind of fit, you know what it kind of feels like? It feels like just sis hetero sex which is all about the man. All about them getting their kicks, and leaving women in a sis hetero relationship, leaving women there to be like, Well, I've used you for what I want. See you later. Like, you go sort yourself out like it. That's the that's the vibe that gives me is that they're not doing it for me. They're doing it for you. That's how I would feel. Because I'm I'm I'm don't think that I'm into it.

And so, you know, if I was into it, maybe I wouldn't I wouldn't have that kind of distaste because I would feel like it's they're just using me sort of thing. And, you know, maybe on a special occasion, say if I was with someone that they you know, they love fat people and maybe on a special occasion, they want to want to feed me for fun, then, you know, I don't think that that would be a big deal, but not as a main part of my sex life with someone. I mean, I'd happily let them feed me what I'd normally say if they're like, Oh, you're having some lunch, can I feed you your sandwich and I'll be like, thank you very much. I probably like it, or they wanted to worship my body. I'd probably like it. Basically treat me like royalty, I would like that.

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But also on the condition that they like me for me not like me for my body. And that it doesn't matter if I lose weight. Because I don't know what's going to happen with my body. My body is just my body just does what it wants, right? I don't have the intention of being fat or being thin or, or, or eating this or eating that I just, my body just does what it does. And because I'm an intuitive eater, you know, I eat what feels good to me and feels good to my body.

But the thing is, if someone's dating me for my body, I can 1,000% guarantee if I'm lucky enough to live older, my body will change 1,000% My body will change. Maybe I'll lose my way. Maybe I'll gain weight. Maybe I will If I'm lucky, I'll get older, maybe I'll lose my ability. You know, my, my, my skin will change, my face will change, everything's gonna change because this is what I look like right now is temporary. And so if a relationship if I'm if I'm trying to get into a relationship with someone who's like, only like you because of the way you look, well, then they and I are shit out of luck because my legs are gonna change. Yeah. And so let me go back to the question of of where does sexual preference begin and a fetish. And so I think the idea of something being a typical, like, it is typical to fetish size thin bodies, right? It is typical for people to say, I could only be I can only with a thin person, I could only get a hard deck before a thin person. And that is not seen as a fetish. Because so many people feel the same way. And so that's where the like the categorization of then why if that's about a fat person that then is that seen as a fetish? And does that make them deviant? My answer is no. It's just a preference.

But then there are things that are I think, a typical and I don't think that generally speaking, most people, in fact, you know, most fat people in relationships also are in like a feeder fee type relationship. I think that's more atypical. And so that word, in my mind be a fetish, which again, it's okay to have a fetish. And so versus just liking a fat person. And I want to show you like the anguish that people have over this question. And like whether having a fetish is even a problem. So this there's this, this post I saw on Reddit, listen, don't go on Reddit. Just avoid Reddit. I'm like, I'll pick up things from time to time.

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You know, I read it as a like, initiate show. But this question I thought was really interesting. I will read it. My fat fetish is ruining any chance I have of finding happiness with another. And I don't know what to do. Please don't hate. For those curious, I think I'm a feeder, someone who wants to make consenting girls fatter because it turns me on. Now, please understand that I've tried repressing the sexual desires my entire life.

But I'm a serial monogamist. And I always seem to sabotage relationships simply because of this. I've lost women I could have spent the rest of my life with because of my selfishness. I've tried being honest and upfront in the beginning, but it doesn't seem to work. I thought maybe if I was honest, people would just decide not to be with me from the start, and I would avoid hurting them and myself. But girls don't seem to understand. Sometimes I'll date a girl and they'll indulge me and gain 30 pounds or something. But then they'll decide they don't want to be fat anymore. And they'll go on a diet and our relationship tanks because they think I resent them. And even though I try my hardest not to, I definitely do.

My whole being is a contradiction. I'm active. I'm vegan. I love hiking. I love playing sports. I do want someone to do activities with but then at the same time, I want a lazy girl who I can bake for and rub her belly and treat her like a fat queen. Despite being vegan, I get turned on by the idea of a girl drinking heavy cream. And I just don't know how to deal with myself. The biggest contradiction is how I feel like I'm a good guy. But I know encouraging girl to gain weight is unhealthy. And yet I'm still extremely aroused by it.

And I always have been. I know it's weird. I know. I'm fucked up. I don't need or want anyone to remind me of this. I'm just trying to figure out how to live a happy life trying to understand the best way forward. Now I'm single again and I've been dating. The thing is a lot of girls like me. I like to think I'm charming, easy to talk to seeming seemingly everything a girl might want an A guy minus this secrets. And I just don't know how to move forward. I went on a couple of dates with this petite girl and we get along so well. I held her in my arms yesterday and she kissed my neck a few times. There was obvious chemistry. She's a backpacker, like me, outgoing, adventurous. Everything I'd like to think I'd want in a woman. She's postdoc, so super smart. My age perfect for me. If it weren't for the fact I wish she was curvier.

Then there's another girl I met her yesterday and she was absolutely stunning to me. Big Breasts, obviously fat, but also beautiful where it matters most or where I'd like to think it matters most. She is smart, sweet. We laugh a lot grad students. She described her perfect man. And it was me too. to a key, I think he means tea. I enjoyed both of their companies significantly. But I've never actually been with a big girl. I feel like it'd be better to date the girl who was already my type. I don't want to go into relationship and I want to change and want to change people. I don't want to be fucked up. But then I worry that she'll lose weight one day and I'll be in attracted to her. What should I do? How do I erase this fetish from my mind? Sometimes I feel like it's ruining my life. It's just hard, please, no trolls, I need genuine advice. So I thought that was really interesting kind of the, obviously this person has got a lot of fat phobic beliefs, you know, like the idea that he wants to go, Okay, I'm active. I'm vegan. I love hiking. Like, he's, he's almost describing me like, I'm active. I'm vegetarian. I love hiking. Like, and I'm fat.

And so he's saying, but I also want a lazy guy like I've got RP lazy to bake, bake, bake for her. Yes, please, and rub my belly and treat me like a fat queen. Listen, me, he just needs to date me. But then again, I'm not into the feeder thing. But you know, he's got his own fat phobia, which means that he doesn't understand that you can be fat and active and fat and vegan and fat and love hiking and all that type of stuff. And so, yeah, he's got his own fatphobia to work through. But here's one of the responses.

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This person replies, we don't choose our fetishes. We can't get rid of them. And they don't define us morally, as long as we are safe. Require enthusiastic consent from partners treat other with respect at all times and are self aware and self reflective. The feeder gainer Oh, that's a thing. gainer, not fidi maybe is fidi or Gainor. Feed again, a fetish is pretty common one. And there are tons of people like you out there. Are you on FetLife FetLife is a social networking site. For people with fetishes. Do you focus focus on dating mostly on kink sites? If not, that's where you should shift your attention to. If you're not able to find a partner right now as into this as you are you should continue to explore this link. Anyway, I think this mean kink. Perhaps your partner will indulge you once a month and the rest of the time you can enjoy porn cartoons erotica, etc. Maybe you can have a platonic feeder slash gain a relationship or one work with your where your partner's consent who is more than platonic, but you only see them once in a while. My point is that this doesn't does not need to ruin your life. There are lots of options, get us some kink sites and start talking to people even just about how hard it is for you right now. There's nothing wrong with you.

And this does not make you a bad person. And the person who originally posted said, Thank you seriously, I needed to hear that I was feeling really down about this fella and feeling better about myself already. Your advice is seriously appreciated. Thank you for being kind. Yeah, so So basically this this this guy is like I have such a problem. And it's kind of like the problem is mostly that they think that they have a problem, you know that they think that this fetish is so deviant. Right? And it kind of reminds me of that, you know, us dieting. We're trying to not eat the food, don't eat the food, don't eat the bad food and all it does is it makes us think that we are deviant that well why can't we stop thinking about the food was because we're restricting ourselves.

So if he were to lean into that world, maybe it would work out for him. But you know, there could be some issues here too like say if he was objectifying his fat partner return or was in a he said he's a serial monogamist if he was in a a monogamous relationship and was cheating you know, maybe then there could be issues but maybe it just means that he needs to be polyamorous you know maybe if that's what he wants and he wants to go out and have lots of different women that he has feeder Gaynor fidi relationships with and that's what makes him happy then that's fine too. That doesn't mean he's going to ruin his life. You know, there's we all have these ideas of what we need to do what makes us good and relationships how relationships should look and and being monogamous and, and I don't think that that is a solution for a lot a lot of people to be kind of closed in with these ideas of what we should do and what we should like and is this such a problem and am I disgusting? Like, if it feels good for you and you're not hurting people like fucking go for it? I mean, I'll run long. Oh, yeah.

So that question was asked on Reddit a couple of years two years ago. And I like to think that this guy is probably met some cute fat, cute, fatty that he's feeding and going on hikes with and all that type of stuff. Oh, no, maybe maybe he's at home crying about how he's attracted to fat people and thinking that he's a bad person for it, which he shouldn't. So, I will link this up into the show notes too. So you can go and have a look. And there's not that many comments on here actually.

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Yeah, I think he seems quite young to like you saying, how do you how do you get into a long term relationship? Or how do you hold hands and things like that? And he says, then maybe he needs to get A Clockwork Orange style treatment. I don't know if you've ever seen Clockwork Orange. But basically, there's a scene where they, someone keeps their has their eyes opened, literally, like by this like machine, and they're forced to watch ultraviolence like violent things. Anyway, so basically, he's like, maybe I need to brainwash myself to stop liking fat people, because society has told him that it's so deviants, right, that it's so deviant, that he needs to torture himself, he needs to torture himself, and force himself to have sex with straight size women. That's a one off again, job that fatphobia has done on on this guy. I mean, just, you know, get with some fat people. It's all good. It's all good. Don't worry about it.

So let's, let's summarize this question, because there's a lot of a lot of things going on here. So Isabella asks, Is it okay to be with someone who has a fat fetish, and is a feeder, so someone who wants to feed their partner, maybe watch them gain weight, take satisfaction in seeing them eating foods, which people might say are, quote unquote, bad. And Isabella is saying that it doesn't necessarily feel good to her because one guy that she is in contact with says that they wouldn't like it if she lost weight. And so to me, this is a big clue of whether this particular person is the right person for Isabella, is that their monitoring, it's the same old body policing that's going on, like they're not attracted to you, if you lose weight, well, they're shut out and look, because your body's gonna do what your body does. And it sounds like being with someone who is monitoring your way in that way.

Whether it be someone who's saying that you need to be thinner, or someone that's saying that you need to be fatter. If that's not what you're into, then it doesn't sound like it is something that's going to be positive for you. Now, in regards to where does sexual preference begin and fetish? And which is such a great question. I think so a fetish is designed it is defined as something that is a typical, you know, out of the norm. I think finding fat people attractive is not a fetish because it's pretty typical. Most of North America, most they know, there's so many fat people, many people are dating fat people. And and so it to me doesn't see a typical feeder ism. And like feeder gainer gainer feeder fee type relationship that is less typical. It's absolutely okay to have a fetish.

As long as everyone as safe as they can be. And enthusiastically consensual, having a fetish is absolutely fine. And so if you do want to engage in that feeder, Gaynor or fi D type relationship that feels really cool and exciting and fun to you, then there's no rules out there that says that you can't do it. If it feels good. Do it. And if it doesn't, you don't have to. So listen to what your brain is saying. And don't feel pressurized to think that just because you're in a bigger body, if you're a fat person that you must say yes to things that you're not comfortable with because someone is, quote unquote, willing to date you. There are so many people that would just kill to go on a date with you to message you to know you. You're worthy of being in a relationship with someone who respects your boundaries, who wants to make sure that you're happy and providing consent That is really consent, you know, excited and happy consent versus that pressure to go along with something that you're not really into for fear that the person is going to leave you.

And if that includes someone who says, Only like you because your fats, and that doesn't feel good to you, then it sounds like it might not be good for you if it's not feeling good for you. So hope that helps. I hope that is. I love all this stuff. Right. So interests. It's so interesting.

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Have you been I hope you've enjoyed me. I hope you've enjoyed me enjoy me enjoy me. I'm going to go and sign up for FetLife see if I can get some of those fatty worshippers. i The thing is, that's the thing. That's the thing. So I'm on like hinge OKCupid Twitter, like in my mind, the people who were messaging me I'm like, you don't get how cool I am. You think because most of them are fat phobic because most people are fat phobic. You think that me being fat is like a negative thing and all of my other attributes are kind of making up for the fatness. Not everyone thinks like that, obviously, but a lot of people do.

And I'm like, in my brain, I'm like, You're wrong. You're simply wrong. And it gets on my tits. That this is how people think. And so yeah, maybe I need to get onto like FetLife or whatever. But there's other I'm gonna go and do some research to go and hook up with people or have relationships with people who were like fuck yeah, fat is a gorgeous so I can be like, Yes, finally. Hello. Like these people have come to their senses. They've realized how cool fat people are. And not just because they're fat. But you know, just cuz fat bodies are human bodies and human bodies are cool, right? So yeah, I'll keep you updated on my on my like fat life adventure. Maybe I'll go in there but like what the fuck? This is not for me. Or maybe next next episode. I'll be like, Oh my god, I had so much deck. I'm just absolutely stuffed on how much deck I had. Thing. Fingers crossed. Yeah. Yeah, cuz you know, because because all the like restrictions around COVID in Vancouver, you know, we're like, you know, masks in most people are vaccinated and, and in it's coming in where there's what is what is it called? health card or vaccine card or something like vaccine passport or whatever. And so I'm like, great.

So we know that we can go out and have fun and you know, the other person to get into the pub, they have to prove that they're vaccinated. So I'm looking forward to that. Although I live just off a Main Street here in Vancouver and a couple of days ago there was a protest not not a big one there was just like a dribbling of people being like, don't get a vaccine if you do then you're stupid and I'll fuck off you idiots. You idiots go home they said sort of they said is you wouldn't trust Bill Gates to to fix your computer. You wouldn't trust Bill Gates with your computer. So

53:06

why would you trust Bill Gates with your body? What the Bill Gates didn't give me my vaccine. What the fuck are you talking about? If again and I would trust Bill Gates was my computer actually.

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Like Although Bill Gates is not the greatest but you know it's just it's just not logical no longer alcohol. Anyway, thanks for hanging out with me today and I'll see you on the next episode on this funny pump counseling to funny go bowling

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thanks for listening to the episode and if you feel ready to get serious about this work and wants to know when the doors open to fears fattier Academy which is my signature program, where I teach all about how to overcome your fat phobic beliefs and learn to love your fat body. Then go to first fatty.com forward slash waitlist again that is phase fatty.com. Forward slash waitlist to get your name on the waitlist. For when first party Academy my signature program opens