Episode 89 Transcript

Read transcript alongside audio.

Welcome to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm your host, Victoria Welsby and this is episode 89. Today, we're talking about do you hate your fat belly.

I'm Victoria Welsby TEDx speaker, Best Selling Author and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self esteem to being a courageous and confident fifth party who loves every inch of this jelly. society teaches us living in a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed? Or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century? So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the first fatty podcast Let's begin.

1:19

Hello, fatty how are you? How's life? You enjoying your summer? You enjoying your Subbu? I hope you are. And that Well, I guess if you're in Australia or somewhere like that, in the Southern Hemisphere, is it the southern all of the Southern southern hemisphere? It's winter. So in Yeah, it's like upside down mound isn't it? Yeah. So Well, I hope you have a nice chilly winter, if you're in winter times that. If you're in the same hemisphere as I, then happy summer. I am in my four weeks off. This is week two of my four weeks off. Yes. I've decided not to record the podcast for four weeks. And I don't want you to go without because I know you're so obsessed with me and my God why he said curry baby. And I know you can't possibly live without hearing my voice for four weeks. And so we've got some juicy replays of the podcast for you today.

It's very easy for me to pick these replays because they stand out because people are like, oh my god me Yes, I I recognize myself in this and yes, this is you can see which ones are which podcasts are downloaded the most and all that type of stuff. So having on a guest from my program pays for it Academy in this episode, Bethan and Beth and talks about her belly her fat belly and struggling with that and people making comments about it asking if she was pregnant when she's fat. And, yeah, so that's what's happening in this episode. And Bethan has, you know have having a serious kind of hate fest with her body.

And the number one area that she's struggling with is her belly and I know a lot of people struggle with the belly and if it's not doing what society says it should do if it hangs if it it produce more than what society says that is allowed, and doesn't help when you see fucking influences on on the Instagrams being like look at my huge belly. Oh, no, it turns out, it's just my uterus. Have you seen this bullshit, being like, Oh, my belly is so big, but it's okay. It's not fat. It's just my uterus. So it's okay. It's not fat. It's just because I have ate some food. It's okay. It's not fat. It's because I was sticking my tummy out. Oh, when people are like, Look at me. I've got rolls too. And they're like, like doing contortionist stuff. And you can see like a tiny little bit of skin like rolled and they're like, Oh, I'm just like you because I've got I've got this huge Burly.

4:30

And now Yeah, so this one I'm going to give a trigger warning, as mentioned, mentioned in spouse of spousal abuse, physical violence and emotional abuse, including a very brief mention of the R word and very brief mention of suicidal ideations. So if that's not feeling good for you today, then skip to the next episode. If not, let's get into it. I just came off a call with Bethany. And Bethany is one of my fears fattie Academy members.

First party Academy is my program. And so those in my program we have calls where we, we do coaching, and this is kind of a snippet of what that looks like. So, Bethan actually is someone like if every time I chat to her, I feel like my we're the same person. We're the same person. anytime she tells me something. I'm like, same, same, same. We were born in the same city. And we've had so many similar things happen to us in our lives, but I'm thinking that my mum might have had a secret baby or something. I don't know. Maybe my dad did. And Bethan is the result of it. Because, yeah, there's a lot of same things have happened to us. And so we talk about how Bethany is struggling with loving or accepting or even, you know, not hating her belly, and also the idea of dealing with people's judgments. And so if you are struggling with loving your belly, and if you are struggling with being anxious that people are judging you and what they're thinking, then you should definitely listen up. But even if you're not then listen up, because it's really awesome stuff. In this episode, and by the way, we mean, Bethany spoke about this at the end of the episode, she mentions dairy milk. She says we have dairy milk in the UK. Now I know you have Capris across the world, but here's the thing. Cadbury's in Canada tastes like chocolate with sand mixed in. It's a very different beast. And so if you've not tried British chocolate, then I suggest you do it. Because it is delicious and lovely and makes my brain happy.

And then when I go back to Canada, I tasted chocolate. I'm like, What the fuck is this shit. And so I find British chocolate when I can. Alright, so without further ado, let's get into this episode with Bethan who is a member of my first party Academy. Okay, so Bethan welcome today, I'm so glad that I had a chance I'm having a chance to chat with you. Would you introduce yourself? Tell us about you?

7:31

And yeah, so if I can get to know Yeah. Yes, well, I'm Bethany. And I live in England. I live in what quite nearby to where Victoria is from Stanford. So yes, I have come here because I've spent my whole life hating how I look. I kind of had a weird health conditions that sort of made it really difficult for me to lose weight. And I found quite a lot of people be really horrible to me about it. And I was also in a abusive relationship, which kind of made or kind of cemented my whole hate of how I looked. And I've been told continuously, that was a big girl and I took up too much space. And I just kind of want to love myself now because I've kind of got through a lot and I don't want to allow this to be the thing that really affects me for the rest of my life. And also, when I'm moving forward and meet people, I want people to have all of me and not just this part that I'm putting on to just fit in and try to wear baggy clothes and so people don't make comments or like this morning I ate a brownie when I was out and I felt good about it.

Like, I'm going to eat that brownie I don't care what are you people are thinking because I know that I'm doing the right things and I'm happy so yeah, I'm just trying to sort of be continuously happy not have the up and down because I kind of will have moments where I think I'll maybe I've got this health problem. And then I think oh, wait, oh my god, I might use weight from that. And I think no, that's not the goal. That's not what I need. That's not gonna make me happy because I did keto and I was miserable.

9:24

Yeah, your your nice story is really similar. Like I think that's why you connected with me on Instagram because I you know, both grew up in Peterborough. Yeah, which is a complete shithole. You do you think it's a shithole? Is it at all? Oh, yeah.

9:41

Yeah. I was speaking to my mum about this the other day and she said it's such a shame that you were born. I was I know, because I grew up in deeping. But yeah, I was born in Peterborough unfortunately,

9:56

and I very sad so we can we can commiserate we're like, oh my god, we survived. I got this Yeah, and as well with your with your abusive relationship, obviously I had that experience too. So is it interesting? Like, I wonder how many people who have lower self esteem? Or maybe because they know that they have bigger bodies except not that we accepted a shitty relationship but you know, end up in a situation like that.

10:22

Yeah, well, I found that he kind of would say to me that I'm only doing this because you're gross now, like nobody else would fancy you. And I was like, Yeah, well, actually, I believe that too. And at the time, I fought fairplay. And I always felt like it was the punishment that I needed. And it's really weird, because now and it's funny, because, I mean, at the time, I would think, all I'd see stuff on TV, and I'd go, I would never let that happen.

And then, lo and behold, I was, I think, because you kind of separate yourself from it. But you just believe that actually, this is what I deserve. Because everybody else treats you like that my dad who I don't talk to you now, he would say to me all the time that I was a big girl, and my family members will make comments about how much weight I'd gained. And basically making it sound like it was the worst thing to be in the world. But now, I think I'm kind of getting to the point. But with myself, I think that if anyone said I was a bad person, that'd be far more hurtful to me than being fat. Because I just think, you know, whatever, at least I know, I'm a nice person. And also, because of the things I've had to experience, it has made me a nice person. So it's made me a better person. So even though what he did was horrendous. And it still does affect me, because I'm definitely a live in a state of fight or flight. But I think it has sort of helped me sort of look at the world in a different way, that I wouldn't advise that you go through that, to get to this point.

12:05

Learn to be a good person by being with a complete, non paid abuser boyfriend.

12:11

I remember when I first got my boyfriend on with now, who is a complete opposite, he held open a door for me. And I remember having my mind blown because my ex would drop the door. As he gone through it, he dropped it. So it will just hit me. And I remember one time he slapped me in front of one of his friends and they thought it was hilarious, because, you know, they always make comments about how I looked like they're like, a haven had somebody at school say it's such a shame. She gained so much weight because she's got such a pretty face and I thought okay, so like, cool.

12:51

It's just if my I literally did like an eye pop, then and my eyes feel strained from my eyes popping open so much in like, oh my god, I can't believe I That's just awful. Yeah, horrendous. What do you save? When,

13:06

you know, when the person told me that this particular girl had said this comment, right? That's a nice thing, though. She's saying you had a pretty face. And like, he doesn't think that I could possibly be pretty when I'm bigger, which is crazy. Like, it shouldn't be that way. It shouldn't be that your body is the thing that makes you beautiful. It's I feel like the people who I've connected with most of the ones that have everything nice inside, you know, because it's why like I related to you, because when I'd seen some of your stuff, and then I started listening to your podcast, I was thinking, Oh my God. Yes. And I was driving along going Yes. And I was like, That's me. Oh my god. I think because I was just talking to my boyfriend about it. And I said to him, I feel that a lot of people think that being big is a lazy option that you've just chosen to be it because you're gluttonous. And, you know, if you are cool, but I know that I'm just trying to do the best to get by and also I'm just trying to be happy because my happiness is far more important to me.

14:17

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So you mentioned the podcast is that how you found me like how did you find me enjoying fantasy Academy?

14:25

I think somebody had showed your town they were talking about body positive people. And I can't remember who it was now but I saw the name fish fatty and you know, I've said to you before that I've had issues with the word fat and it's still something I'm like, I still feel not 100% comfortable with but I'm getting there. And I saw that and she sounds like my sort of person because she can just say what she needs. And that's kind of how I stumbled upon costume and and I think I was on your page for like an hour night school. For even watching other clips was like, Yeah, I'm just gonna message

15:04

I crave such a stalker locked down. Yeah, that's what it is. And so then how did you find out about phase fatty Academy?

15:16

I think the main way back, I think you'd posted something about on your story. And I thought, That sounds like the thing that I need to talk me up. Because I've, you know, after my abusive relationship, I had DBT therapy. And I sort of had all that, and I really turned my life around, like my friends will say, and my mom will say that I was a completely different person. And now I just seem happier. And the whole body image seems to be like the icing on top of the cake that I need that, that because I just kind of always accepted that I probably won't ever be happy. Because for such a long time, I've just only ever looked at my face in a mirror. And I will not look below my chin. Because it just upsets me. But now I sort of look at and go, you look good. Like you've got it is good. But yeah,

16:17

yeah. So it's interesting how, for me to the very last thing, like, I feel like I sorted everything out and I became more well balanced. And it was just the body image stuff. And it was so sticky and so difficult. And I was just like, I just want to get thin, or, or learn to like my body. And I couldn't do either. So so. So what are you getting out of this fatty Academy? So far? I know you're you're still new, you've been in this IT academy for a couple of weeks. So you've not done the whole experience yet. But so far, what have you got out

16:47

of this Valley Academy? How supportive is but just you know, I found that it's given me a little bit of a kick up the butt I needed. And the other day I posted in the group about a local swimming pool to me had personally about losing weight. And so I just messaged them, and I just said about how in this society that shouldn't be like your focus, it should be fitness and, you know, just being strong and doing it because you love something not because it's, you know, for the gram. And like, look how skinny I am like, so it's kind of given me a real Oh, oh my God, I didn't know this existed that I could actually like myself. And it's really useful. Because when I've been going through the resources, there's so many resources that, like, I just assumed that the only places that you could buy bigger clothes was like, Woohoo, and it's awesome. That's it.

But it's nice cuz you sort of, you've got all these different, I mean, I've been having a look through them. I'm just like, Oh my God, I didn't even realize this. And it's nice, because it feels like I've just stepped into this whole new world that I had no idea existed. And I like how it's laid out as well. It's very clean, and it's very, it doesn't feel like because you know, when you some people that I've come across before, I've kind of felt that you could only ever be positive about it. But there are positives and negatives to how you feel. So it's nice because there's a balance, which I've not always seen, it's always been like, you need to be positive about everything. When actually some days you just want to be Debbie Downer about it.

18:30

And that's important, right? Like, I I have a thing next to in my office, let me just show it to you. Which is Yeah, embrace the suck and so like embrace the shitty and the good because then it's all it's all important for growth and and whatnot. Yeah, like that. The the list you saying about like the resources? Yeah, I always thought like, oh, well there's, you know, one place that I can shop or whatever. And then I started doing some research and the I think it's like 176 places that you can shop in that section I think it's it's it's a lot it's like you couldn't you couldn't possibly shopping all the stores and so when you've got all of this, you know extra resources like films to watch or podcasts or listen to books to read and and just so you can surround yourself and that's just like one of the small bonusing things and but it's just so massive, like you say to realize that there is this whole other world out there.

19:31

It's amazing. You know, it's because I kind of a lot of my thing is that I love color and I love wearing clothes that make me happy like my whole house. I've got loads of different colors and I love it because it makes me smile. And when I first gained all the way, all I would do was go into a shop, go to the back of the rail and be like, Okay, that'll fit that'll do. And I didn't really think about what would make me happy or stuff that would drown me basically So I didn't show my body. Because for a long time after what happened with my ex, I'd refer to it as my crime scene. Because it was kind of, he'd say things about it, he'd say that I had Snoopy boobs, because, like saggy, and like stuff like that. So it kind of got into my head a bit. And so I just really wanted to cover it. So I didn't ever have to look at it. And I would go past windows and look up. And now it's nice, because my clothes are starting to actually get more to how I want to be like colorful, I know, I'm wearing a white t shirt right now. I dropped called slow down the one time,

20:42

excuse rallied, excuse. Sounds like

20:44

I was enjoying it too much. But yeah, like, it's a, I think it's just important to have those things. And to always feel like it's quite validating, because you can see it and you think, oh my god, this list is actually made for me, because so many times I'm scrolling through Instagram, and the things were the like, things you may like, and it's like these people that are not me. And, you know, I don't want to see my whole newsfeed with just my face. But I'd like to see some people that actually have some curves and rolls so much will look like they're eating a cake, like quite quite a bit. Because we love cake. And I don't want to have that. I feel like there's this whole sort of society of like being made to feel guilty for just being human, which is mad, I can't help but have roles and like, all those sorts of lovely things.

21:38

It's so interesting, you say about your ex saying you have Snoopy boobs, which is just I just want to roundhouse kick him in the face. That was one of the big things that my ex said to me not Snoopy booze, but he'd always be like, Oh, you're titsa saggy. And I would always be like, Oh, God, this is so shameful. Because in the UK, it feels like there's a really big culture where you know, like, with page three, and the culture is like, tits, like, yeah, women's tits, like big, bouncy, perky tits, and doing this work, it's really made me realize that, I think that if you your, if your tits and our, you know, like a medium size, or even if they're big tits, more likely than not, they're not perky, because it's not possible. Like, this is like the tip you're gonna this is what tests look like, you know, I think it's more common for women to have saggy tits, and saggy tits in a beautiful way, saggy boobs matter than it is to have like, perky tits. But audits are good.

But still, like that was a big thing that I had to learn is that my tics are just normal tests, and they're Gray, and sexy and all that type of stuff. So yeah, well,

22:51

you know, with my, my boyfriend now he'll always say that he just likes me as I am. And he also you to him. I told him about that, because for a long time, I would wear a bra around him because I was like, he can't see me without because I was just so worried. And now I'll just actually get like kitchen towel and be like, he's like, got sweaty boobs and better believe I do. Oh, he's like, that sounds awful. So we can just now be comfortable. Whereas before I'd be like, I don't sweat. I don't sweat anywhere. When actually, I do. I'm not a human being. I'm just like a Sex Robot here. It's a pleasure. Yeah. My whole purpose. Love you. Yeah.

23:42

So um, we're here to talk about like, you know, giving you a boost and helping you out with any struggles that you have right now. And it sounds like you're doing really well. But I'm curious. What is one area that you're currently struggling with?

24:00

So I'll just do a little bit on what's going on with me. So I'm at the moment it's been difficult. I found that because you know, everything going on at the moment, it feels kind of bleak, and I think a lot of it is is that I'm seeing a lot more of myself. And I'm getting to know myself and a lot more and I think that's been challenging. Because I feel like I've come a long way in lots of ways but there are little things that still get to me. Yeah, one of my main things is kind of how my body looks specifically my stomach. I really struggle with that. And when I because the thing is I not big in the way of say what a lot of people might think was big but I've got my stomach sags and it's uncomfortable and I genuinely won't like my boyfriend to see it. And I just say to him, please look away. I don't mind here because he's seen them now or is he? Oh, but I just say, Please don't look at it because it just hangs and it looks horrible for me, and the thing is, I'm trying to be less mean to it. Because my, my, you know, the abuser guy, he would make comments about it poker and like, just generally be a dick about it. And I think a lot of my hangups with little parts of my body, or big parts of my body are because of stuff he said.

And I mean, I haven't, I broke up with him. I'm 28 now and work out when I was 23. So it's been a long time, but it's still got the scars that are still there. And I think, because he would always make out the bigger people weren't people that were kind of worthy of a lot of respect. Because he'd sort of say that, you know, because of the whole, I don't back to you, or I won't, people won't fancy you. So you know, I'll just keep reviewing, you know, just as a favor to you. Even though it was non consensual, he would still sort of say, well, I think that, you know, I'll just do this for you. You know, he's such a charity guy. Um, so yes, that was, that was one of the things that's kind of been difficult for me. And also, because I've been in the My relationship with my boyfriend for two years now. And, you know, the whole onslaught, and especially when you're heading towards 30, the whole questions of when are you getting married, when you having kids, and all those fun questions. And I kind of, in my head, I'm thinking, so when I get married, I'm going to be slim. Like, I know that, like, that's my little picture in my head, like, I've got it, I've got my Pinterest board, and I don't fit in with a Pinterest person that I've got. And I'm now trying to get my head around the fact that because I think it's mental when you actually think about losing weight for one day, and then you go on your honeymoon, and then like gain it all back. It's mad thinking that that's going to make you happy. And I get that people do it because they want the good photos. But also is that representative of your true self, which is why I struggle with because I'm like the thing is, I've got a lot of common sense, and I'm very logical, but I do you feel like I deal with two versions of myself. I deal with the emotional meaty one.

And then the one that's like, that's ridiculous that you just want to lose weight for one day. But I can't always get that into my head. Like it doesn't stick. That's like another major thing.

28:01

Yeah. Interesting. Okay, so belly and wedding. So let me just make a note. Belly in wedding. Now. You just said, you know, it's ridiculous that you would want to be thin for your wedding. For one day, is it ridiculous that you would want that?

28:28

Probably not. But also, yes. Cuz I feel like it's putting a lot of pressure on myself for something leading up to something that's going to be so wonderful. I think it almost you know, the planning. And I know that people say it's stressful, but I just feel that for me, it's going to be something that I've been working towards, and it's going to be such a lovely day, because it's going to be something that you know, I've already said to relatives, if you think that you're going to tell me what we need at this wedding, then you're going to be out there because I just want to be able to do it for myself. But I think the weight side? Um, I don't know. I do you think it is? When you look at other people's wedding photos. I did see one girl who I went to school with and I thought, Wow, she looks great. And she's like, curvy girl. But she looked great, but I can't see that as myself yet. Why?

29:31

Because what what would it mean if you magically I don't know how this would happen. But magic. Paul Daniels came along. He's a cheesy British magician waved his magic wand and it was your wedding day and you were the quote unquote, perfect, same body that you have dreamt off all your whole life. What would that mean? Would that mean to the people viewing your body?

29:58

Yes. See, I think that's more Where I think, is my problem, I'm more concerned about what others think of it. I think I, one thing that I find challenging is being confident in that this is how I want to be. Because it's kind of been a choice that's been taken out of my hands. So it kind of feels hard to be okay with it. But I think I'm, I would want it to be that I was small enough for other people's expectations for them to think, Oh, she would have had a lovely day, and she would have been happy. And I, you know, my boyfriend, he's very, he's very comfortable. He's a big guy, he's very comfortable with how he is. And I think that's been really nice for me to be around, which is kind of why I'm on this journey. But I still is that little thing where I'm thinking, because my mum's five, two, and she's tiny. And she would she would swap with me if we could, however, I don't think she would deal with what had to deal with as well.

But also, I do sometimes wonder if she's maybe saying that she's okay with how I am. But not like, I wish that I could have been like, size 10. And obviously, she would have wished because I've got a few health problems that I was healthier. But I think sometimes I'm like, Are you just saying this? Because this is how I am now and anything else is would be mean? So yeah, I think it's mainly because I'm concerned about what other people would think of me, because I do think a lot of people see my way of life as always being lazy and choosing a lazy option, which actually, you know, I wait train, like I do those sorts of things. And I eat what I like, to a degree. I mean, the thing is, I kind of I get nervous stomach, so I can't always eat exactly what I want. But I'm balanced, like because I had a brownie earlier. And I think it's kind of it's always about what other people think I think I would not be in this situation. Had it not been for people letting me know what they thought of me.

32:18

To do. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So is this easy way out? Like is this easy to learn to love your body? Has it been easy? So far? No.

32:28

I mean, a lot, a lot of work. Yeah, I think the thing is, I think it's harder than keto and all the diets that I did, convincing myself that they were going to work. And because when I actually realize, like, actually just do the intuitive eating, and you know, do those things that make me feel not into it. The thing is, I don't really follow anything as such, I just kind of go with, Oh, I really fancy some song, I don't know, crisp, so I'll have them. But I kind of sort of follow that sort of mindset because I had so many foods in my head that I could not eat because carbs and chocolate and chocolate is you know, we have dairy milk in England. And that's the one. And you know, I kind of got to the point where I was missing out on so many things and not going out with friends. And because I didn't want them to think Oh, my God, why she in a salad. She claimed in a salad. Right like that.

33:28

Why she lying? Why she if you eat your salad, then you're lying. And if you eat like a cake, then Oh, well. That's why they're fat. It's like you cannot wait.

33:37

Yeah, like everyone becomes like Sherlock Holmes of like diets, and oh my god, he definitely doesn't eat salads. And it's like, actually, I have a bit of everything. So it

33:49

sounds like your perception of your belly. If you lived on a desert island, and you knew that no one was ever going to see your belly again. Would you be worried about what your belly looked like? Or is it what other people think of your belly?

34:05

Yeah, it's whatever people because I will put something on. So at the moment, I'm wearing shorts and a cocktail. And I walk around the house. And I'm like, great. I don't mind it. But the second someone's eyes because I'm not very good. If someone's eyes leave my face and go anywhere further down. I'm thinking, Oh my God, they're thinking I'm fat. They're thinking I'm gross. Oh my god. Oh, see my stomach. Oh my god, this Emma Snoopy tears. Like, I'm thinking oh, like they're gonna and that's the problem that I've always had people because people have been really mean I had someone shout at me all times cut out the word you fat bitch.

And you know, I've had constant, your big girl fat or you know, just and that's why I think it's still a bit of a word for me that I'm like makes sense? Yeah. Yeah. Cuz I'm just like, oh God, but then, you know, it's never been put to me that it was a good thing like how I am, is always put to you that, oh my God, you're telling me that way, you're just like you're just going to carry on doing that, like, That's gross, it just feels like that that you're almost gross and unattractive. The, you're not worthy of people that even just respect you, you know, and like, from just stuff that I've read on this fatty website like I in the training, I've now I've got my appraisal this week. And now I'm gonna ask my pay rise? Yes. Because you know, I know, because over this lockdown, I've done my work. And all through the year, I've done my work. And I know that that's what I deserve. And there was part of me that has this image in my head, I'm thinking, Do you deserve it, though? Because of, you know, my own perceptions of myself. Absolutely keep reading stuff that I've got, like praise from different senior management and stuff like that. And I think okay, and I have to reassure myself, but yeah, that really went off a tangent from the whole psyche.

36:19

It's fine. So um, so my question to you is, how can you control what other people are thinking about you?

36:30

I feel that if my narrative of how I feel about me, it would almost make it better, because I work with foster children. And one of them said to me the other day that if you think positive thoughts about yourself, other people think positive thoughts about you. She's 12. My God. Like, that's a good point.

36:55

So if you if you loved your body, would it protect you from other people making judgments about it?

37:05

I think they'd still make them, but it wouldn't hurt as much. I think that, you know, it's, it's funny how I kind of tell people my past with my ex boyfriend, and then my current boyfriend, you know, I think you attract people when you're not in a good place. And I've had to cut a load of people out who I made the choice of having in my life, previous to therapy, and doing the hard work on myself. And I found that I've made better choices where my head's been in a better place. So I'm hoping that the same will follow with my body, then, once I feel better about it, what other people think about it really won't matter. Because my mum will say, No, you shouldn't care what people think. But it's also easier for somebody who is five foot two and a size 10. Ornate to say. So I tried to explain to her that is not that easy. Because, you know, I was when a cop out today, and I there was this one lady who kind of she kept looking over at me, and I just want you to be like, What can I help? What do

38:20

you think that she could have been thinking?

38:22

She might have thought, Oh, I like her hair? Or? Oh, it was a cute, but I automatically just don't hear any of that. I think you're not thinking that because she was quite small and thinking, you're probably thinking, Oh, why she eating that sandwich and why she ate that brownie and just all in my head. And I said to my boyfriend, I know that I'm probably being really irrational. But that doesn't compute in my head.

38:52

So what if she was thinking that what if she looked over and she was thinking she looks horrible? Because she's fat? And she's eating a sandwich? How dare she?

39:04

I think it's more of a reflection on her. And her sort of fears of maybe being in a bigger body. And I think that a lot of this does because my mum would say stuff like that about big girls. And you know, when people say stuff, I just think that because you're scared of it. You know? Are you scared of being big? Because, you know, you do always get these people that will go onstage jealous of your big boobs and then yet they're always on diets and you're like,

39:43

something doesn't compute there.

39:45

And they're like, I'm so jealous that you've got like an hourglass figure and you've got a big button I'm like, but yet you're trying to downsize everything. So where's the lie? You just saying this because it's like a you know when you say to kids that Like things to comfort them, that it kind of feels like that it's almost like a pity thing when it comes to being bigger than it's always like, oh, yeah, yeah. Not my problem.

40:14

Yeah. So what word imagine if you were super confident or imagine if I was sat next to you when this person looked at you. And we knew that that person was in their mind criticizing you and saying, Oh, you're horrible. You're disgusting. What would you or me? If you can't imagine that? think or say or do in that moment?

40:38

No, it's really funny. I kind of draw a blank. I really don't know what I think. I think that's the bit of brain that I need to develop.

40:46

What would you think I would say?

40:49

I think you will probably tell me to fuck him. And tell me that, you know, like, what I thought was equally as important. And I shouldn't be putting so much power to them on ruining my day, I feel. And I think that, because we're all going on different journeys. And I think it's crazy that we give so much power to other people especially, she was literally probably similar. It's not even thought about me, since I've left that cafe, she's probably not even had a second thought about me. But in my head, it's almost, it feels, you sort of make it so much worse in your head. I know what she was thinking that. And just because a few other people have made comments before. I think it's unfair of me to almost put her in the same category. But even if she did think that I shouldn't care as much as I do.

41:49

You because it's not like that she's gonna go home and be like, Oh my God, you know, guess what? I saw someone eating a sandwich in a cafe today. Oh, it's so unbelievable. Can you believe it? But the people in your life would be like, What the fuck? Why? Why is it interested in seeing a fat person eating a sandwich? Like, get alive? And let's say we're also like, weird or whatever. Yeah, we like we put this big thing on it like they have, you know, they've in their brain, they've deemed us acceptable or unacceptable. And they don't even know what they're thinking.

42:26

And yeah, yeah, you've got anything. Yeah, you've got this whole, like, play going on in your head. And you thinking, well, she said this. And I said that and like, and, you know, and it's kind of a whole back and forth when actually, she might have been thinking something as innocent is over like a wrappings. Or Oh, her boyfriend looks like he's annoyed. He wasn't annoyed. He was just annoyed that our food took so long to get there.

42:53

Also, she could have been scanning for the toilet because she had a massive turtle head or something like that.

42:58

Exactly. Like, all these options. I definitely didn't think about at the time.

43:04

Yeah. And the like, the chances of us you ever knowing what she was actually thinking in that moment? Or it's like, pretty much zero,

43:13

right? Yeah, yeah. Cuz I've never seen her before darcia again. And it's because my mum always go, why don't you just try and think that they're thinking nice things? And sometimes, sure, but that doesn't really help me. Because I think at the moment, I haven't developed that confidence in sort of thinking it fully about myself. You know, I will try and sort of say about feeling good about myself. But that's not 100%. True. Yeah. Top 100 sort of category. It's not really at that yet. But I find that it's nice being in an environment where there's people that do get it and don't just say, I can imagine, because I've had people do that to me before. I had a doctor who was she was tiny, and it wasn't any shade against her. But she said, I can imagine what it's like to gain weight. And I just said to her, Can you can you understand? And she was like, I can imagine? I'm like, you know, people become absolute assholes to you and is subtly drop hints about diets that you can try. Like, and also, you know, I had someone messaged me the other day asking me about keto, and I didn't feel comfortable. And I said to her as like, she went, Oh, what do you think? And I just said, I just don't do it. You know, it's not good. And for me, I was like, I'm trying to do this and sort of explained what I'm sort of doing with you and she didn't say a lot. But you know, it's difficult because, you know, I've listened to your podcast on talking to people about diets and stuff.

And I have said, somebody, I'll have a conversation the other day with somebody else, and they're talking about diets. And I went, Yeah, well, I'm not doing that stuff anymore. I'm just over it. Like, I enjoy carbs too much. And chocolate. So like, I'm kind of over that night doing diets. No, like, oh, yeah, me too. And I'm like, yeah. Are you? Sure? Yeah. I found more peace in just kind of realizing that foods went off limits me just because I'm bigger.

45:41

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Helped. So let's talk about this, you know, the very thing again, um, something you mentioned, as well, at the beginning, that stuck in my mind is that you said something like, my belly is and I think he said, I've noticed I mean, like, horrible or disgusting, or unattractive, or, or whatever. Is my question to you is, is that truth, that your belly is bad, and in whatever way?

46:13

It's an opinion of my own. So it's not a fact. And other people might look at it and go, Yes, great. Or not at that point, my boyfriend, he's very complimentary, or just how I look. He's like, Hello, beautiful. Whoa, my queen is very loving about it. But it's just one thing that is because, you know, getting out the shower, drying it. And I hate all that stuff is something that I've not always had. And you think back to the reference points of, you know, I was going through my phone today, and I've tried to show my boyfriend a picture. And some old body photos came up with me just standing like with my boobs, and pants on. And I was like, delete. So I just got rid of them. Because I'm like, No, I'm not going to keep looking at them, because it just is punishing me for his opinion.

47:14

So how does it benefit you to have that opinion, when there is an alternative opinion?

47:21

I think it kind of sets you up for failure. All the time. It kind of carrying it around with me is a heavy burden. You know, both? No, see, I always make jokes by saying both figuratively and literally, but, you know, it's not nice to do it to myself, because if I said it to a friend, oh, my god, like I think about things that I've said, By accident to friends about 10 years ago. And I think, oh, god, that's so cringe that I said that. But I know that I just wouldn't ever say the things that I've say about that. To anybody else. I kind of, I started saying some of the things out loud, and thinking about saying it to a friend and how they would feel about the rest of my body. It's the stomach. That is something that I've still not got over.

48:19

How did you get over? You know, because you didn't like your boobs before. So what did you do to get over that?

48:26

Same thing is, I think, I'm not fully over it. I think I'm just better dealing with it. Because I just more like, like, I'll say to people, right? Oh, well, I have to fold them into my bra. And like I'll probably make jokes and that's my kind of go to to make myself feel better. But I think with my bra, bra situation, what I did was give away cuz I, I'm going to buy new bras, I'm gonna get rid of all the other ones that I was like, No, oh, they're like just ones that were just there to just keep them in place. And I got nice ones. And I just invested in that for myself. Because I felt like that was something I should treat it nicely. You should protect it in like, I shouldn't just put myself in things that didn't make me happy. And I found that was a good first step because I'm like, Oh, this looks nice. And it's kind of like how I was presenting them. And I do kind of look at them and I'm not so anymore.

Like even though they don't look how I want them to look and because I used to be very small. But that was also a lifetime ago and I would choose how I am now in this body compared to the unhappiness that I had when I was a size 10 And as with a complete dickhead. I kind of that's one thing that's helped and also because he was so adamant that they were horrendous because they were sneaky boobs. I think that's been a good thing for me cuz I'm like, Are you gonna let someone like him? Someone who has got away with what he's got away with? Have that hold over you for the rest of your life? Like, no.

50:14

And he did the same with your belly. Right? You know, he was pointed that out and stuff.

50:18

Yeah. Which is I don't understand why I think it's because I find in the summer it gets worse because I am hot all the time anyway. And with my stomach, it's something that gets, you know, like, I get sore, like belly button. Which I don't know, I think it's an eye. You know, I treat it. But I think the stomach is just the last thing that my physical mentally I think that's where a lot of the damages, but also I know that I wouldn't because I wouldn't look at myself from anywhere from below my chin for such a long time. I didn't even know I couldn't have even like picked my body out of a lineup i don't think because I just genuinely didn't know what it looked like.

51:11

Do you think that there's any benefits to having your belly?

51:18

Definitely think it protects me? Like, I think it I can't think of any off like Yeah, I can't think of anything that's sort of strikes me that I think that that's a good purpose for it. I know that it helps protect my organs. But that's kind of one that I see a lot of people say. But I don't know, for me what I think the purpose of it is because I can't when I was first gaining weight, cuz my thyroid, I've kind of not been able to kind of be kind to myself about it, then that's the big thing.

52:07

Do you think that your that it could symbolize anything? Like does it symbolize your you know, your you overcoming this struggle and this this struggle that you had to go through?

52:19

Yeah, I think it definitely holds a lot of upset because you know, that's happened i feel that i i can i Anything that makes me anxious, nervous anything, it goes to my stomach straightaway in my stomach, it takes a beating for it. And I think that how my stomach looks as well. Have people like had this little kid asked me the other month. It was really awkward me about and this kid asked me when my baby was due, because I'm quite small laptop and then my stomach goes out. And the parents just sat there. And it was so effing awkward. Because there was six adults, so three couples, but those three kids and it just went silent. And I was like, Oh my God. And I literally felt like I was standing there naked. And I felt like almost that I cried. We were driving back and it was an hour long drive. And I just cried the entire way home just because I felt like her. He's just like, and the thing is, even though it's a kid, it still hurts. Because as well also, I think the probably I've got some issues in that area of my body because we want to have kids and I don't know if it's going to be that easy for me. So there's those things as well.

So I think that kind of area of my body I've got a lot of pressure on is just automatically hating it. Yeah. It's not good to carry that around with me. Because, you know, there are actual parts of my body where I'm like, Ah, like, I've been working on my weight training and my arms are getting big. And I'm like, Yes, I love this and strong and I'm actually feeling muscles in my stomach. And I'm like, Oh my God. And you know, I'm like, feeling good in that way. But I think because it's held so much sadness, I guess. The it's not good for me to carry it around.

54:36

Yeah, you know how, you know the word fat and the reason why fat activists have reclaimed that word is because it was so powerfully painful. And by reclaiming it and saying, actually, you know what we get to decide the meaning of it. It takes the power away and and exactly like you say, still it's very difficult for people to call themselves fat or even like my business a bit fierce, Fatty, a lot of people are like, Oh God, no, I don't want to be associated with fatty. But when you decide actually general, fat is just, it's just a neutral descriptor and it doesn't mean that I'm bad or lazy or whatever it is that society has, has, has put on that thing and it feels a know something that you know, you're talking about your belly, it feels kind of like similar, like, your belly is this representation of sad things, or bad things or all of that type of stuff.

And so, is there a way for you to reclaim your belly and turn it into something that is neutral, or turn it into something that is a positive thing, or a really cool thing about you that, you know, that is something unique about you, and, and like a hard one part of your body? That you you know, because you didn't always have have this belly, and you went through some shit to get it? And to, you know, to begin with, it was very hard. But is there a way for you to get to a point where you're like, Do you know what it really represents? What a motherfucking badass I am, because I overcame so much shit. And now I think it's fine. I think it's okay. Or I think it's

56:27

good. Yeah, I do think that'd be, you know, that's kind of what I'm hoping that I can gain from doing this. Because I think I want to look at what I've achieved, because people always know my mom, she'll say, oh, it's amazing. You should always send me a little card saying like, remember what you've come through. And, and sometimes I'm like, oh, yeah, but it's fine. Like I just had to deny, and she thought we didn't have to, because I did have a full exit plan. And, you know, I don't mind saying that. But I did. But now, because I chose to survive. So I do need to be kind of to it, because all parts of me survived it. Because it always feels like I'm just picking on this one thing like that one person that you just have a real beef with. And you don't know why. Like, it just feels like that, that I'm just really just been a cow to her, like just being mean to her. And she didn't deserve it. Because she got me through a lot of things. And you know, it, I wouldn't be the same person without it. Because it has challenged me and it has taught me to try and just be happier with myself. And you know, the thing is I'm trying to wear like I wear lots of high waisted trousers with like crop tops. And I do that sort of thing. And I'm very comfortable with the cooktop side of things, but I'm trying to almost it's like exposure therapy for myself. Because I usually, I used to wear high waisted jeans and a long top.

But now I'm like new, like I am hot. And it's nice to get that breeze under their skin through my crop tops. So I will wear those, you know, high waisted trousers but and it does accentuate my stomach, but I'm just kind of like, you know, what if something's on pregnant? Fine, but like, I know, I think it's difficult because there's always those questions about fertility in your mind. Like for me, I know that it's always been something that I've desperately wanted. So I put a lot of pressure on myself to, for it to happen. In some times, I think probably the fact that it hasn't happened yet, for me, I think is probably just a sign that I've probably got a few more things to do beforehand. I'm trying to see it as that, that, you know, because I don't want to bring up a child to be around me. And then think that how I think about myself is normal. You know? Because I've said, My mom, she would use the big and I just don't think that's I would say it affect weight didn't affect me because I think I saw it because I then picked it up when I was older. And I'd sneak food in when I was younger when I was a teen and I think that you know I just want to try and be the best version of myself in life on my stomach. I just need to stop being a bully to it because I advocate for the little guy in me being mean to my stomach has kind of just been a massive hypocrite.

59:42

I've been mean to that. Cue Tommy of yours and your little Tommy's like Oh, hello, I'm just here hanging out and you're just like, fuck you. I hate you. It is like no, yeah, yeah. So, um, so we're coming to the end of our time together now. So um, What would you say? From our conversation? We've been chatting for an hour or so? Is there anything that standing out for you anything that's that's, that's hit a chord or any breakthroughs or

1:00:10

aha moments. I definitely think that it probably sounds like I've got quite a lot of myself together, which is kind of my go to. But I think that when I actually really delve into how I see myself, that is something that comes up along with a lot of sadness, which I think I'm not gonna lie, I still to this day, think that it was kind of my fault. What happened to me with my ex, because I was there. I didn't stop it. I did try the first couple of times. But I just realized that it was kind of futile. They kept going back to his house because we didn't live together. So I kind of think that I need to kind of work on that. But the sadness that I'm sort of carrying and I think it's almost like, personified in my stomach, because I just hate it. And I actually saw him not that long ago, the guy. And he tried to talk to me. Yeah. And he's like, hello, hi. Hi. Hello. And I just went just back off, vide off crying. And he would never say that. That's what happened.

But I remember saying to him one time that you know, that it was a and he would say, Oh, well, it's not very if you're in a relationship, because that's practically consent. Nope. So yeah, I do think that fun this just chain is nice to sort of think of kind of what I'm doing to my stomach cuz I can't I keep trying to push it out the way I'm like, Oh, I don't have a problem with it. No, I do. And I know that it isn't doing me any favors feeling that way. Some kind of my goal for phase fatty I think the the academy that I feel like should really relate to something to do with my stomach. My. Yeah.

1:02:31

So would you would you wear something that actually exposes your stomach? Like I don't know, a bikini or a bikini or swimsuit with a cutout? Or I don't know, something like that.

1:02:41

That literally waits for sick.

1:02:44

kids to feel sick, then that might be a good color.

1:02:48

Yeah. Yeah. Because that's the thing because I've just never thought cuz I remember someone saying to me once. Oh, well, you should wear bikini because you haven't got that body shape. Fuck off. Yeah. Like, and I've always wanted to do one of those boudoir photos.

1:03:07

But as well, you don't actually have to wear outside, you can just wear it in your bedroom. That's true. Just wear it in front of your boyfriend. Yeah. And if that's like, still a little bit scary, but is doable, then that might be a really good goal.

1:03:21

Yeah. And then, yeah, that would be quite a good one, actually.

1:03:24

Yeah, think about how the thing, see how it feels and how it sits with you. But I just want to recognize that, you know, it's only been a few years since you got out of that abusive relationship. And you said, Did you say you're 28 or 2928 28. So for 28 years, you've lived in a society that tells you that your body has to look a certain way. And so you've been working on this stuff for a small portion of your life. And so to get to where you all now, after having only relatively recently, even though it is yours, left that relationship, and then also to work on that stuff. And then also to work on the body image stuff and food stuff. Holy shit. That is amazing, really massive kudos because it's the same journey that I've gone through. And I was with my ex for two years for from the age of 17 to 19. Now I'm 35 Turning 36 In six days, and I'm still working on this stuff. And so you did it way quicker than I did. So. Yeah, you're amazing, basically. Thank you. Yeah. And, and thank you for being here and, and sharing what is going on with your gorgeous brain because I know a lot of people are in the exact same boat and have the exact same fears.

And actually, people the number one struggle in regards to things on their body that people don't like is belly is the belly. And so you're you're not alone. You're You're in good company. A lot of a lot of fat people really struggle with their belly. So, yeah, so thank you Bethan. Thank you. Okay, so that is the our life coaching with Bethan. If you want more juicy stuff, and you haven't already, make sure you get my first fatty body love roadmap, which has the steps to take to get to a place of body love and also the mistakes that everyone makes on this journey of body love and how you can avoid them. So check out the link in the bio, in the bio in the blog group in the beloved group underneath the show notes. And if you want to go straight to the show notes for this episode, then it's fast fatty.com forward slash 043 for episode 43 All right, well, I will bid you adieu and I will see you later crocodile in a while alligator goodbye.