Episode 100 Transcript

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Welcome to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm your host, Victoria Welsby and this is episode 100. Today, we're talking about is weight loss a mindset issue.

You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm Victoria Welsby TEDx speaker, bestselling author and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self-esteem to being a courageous and confident fierce fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living in a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter. Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century. So how do you stop a negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty podcast. Let's begin.

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Hello, fatty Welcome to Episode One. And dread. Oh my gosh, can't believe I've done this 100 times. This is weird 100 100 times. I've done this. Made a podcast episode. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Well, thank you for listening to them. Hey, I didn't know when I first started making the podcast two years ago that anyone will would be interested in listening. From my mom was amazing. Who am I kidding? My mom doesn't even listen. But I think a lot of people look at the show, right? Which is cool. So thank you if you're one of the people where if this is your first episode. Hello, welcome. Come on in for the fun times. I really appreciate you being a listener. And if you've not subscribed on whatever podcast platform that you have done, go do it little gift to me 100th episode. Maybe I'll get a couple of new subscribers.

Yes, so today's episode, we're going to be talking about a few things. So first thing is weight loss is a mindset issue. Also answering a few questions around accepting Will you ever accept yourself as plus size? Or fat? How do we set boundaries without being mean? And question from a hairdresser who has to listen to 200 plus clients talking about weight loss what to do with that. So hey, you know what, I bought something I bought something I thought you might be interested. Totally not fat related. Just for all of my all of my listeners out there who were fans of pimple popping, or I know, gross videos or earwax removal or anything like that. I got myself a this like camera. What is an official name like off author scope or something. But anyway, it's like camera that goes into your ear canal. So you can look inside your ear canal. And this doesn't stop there.

Obviously its account I was like, Well, I can go in and look at my ear because you know why? I want to look into my ear because I've got eczema right and where my eczema is most annoying, is I get it in my ear canal. It's so fucking annoying. It makes me want to just scratch my ears a lot. And so as I'm going to see all this I'm going to go and see all the ex mirror my ear and it's gonna be so satisfying. And then they've got like little tools and it's like, you can then take out the take out all of the ear wax. My ears are so fucking boring. They're just a bit rare. There's no earwax, there's nothing it's just so boring. And so I had to then take the camera and then just look at every single piece of my body because it's under like is magnified. Right? And so of course I was looking at my pubes Of course, I was looking at my bum hole. Of course, it's so interesting. And my whole body is just so for anything interesting like that. I don't have it like I don't get ingrown hairs. I don't get weird things like I don't know. Like one of my exes had this like little hole on his back. It was this tiny little hole like size of a, you know,

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a small thing. Say a pinhead, but I think a lot of people Think of a pinhead as a gym thing. Anyway, there's a hole, there's a hole in his back. And like, once every two months, it would have enough time to collect, you know, like stuff. And then I would clean it out and it was just the best the highlight of our relationship really. It's so much fun.

And that's why I'm on the dating apps right now is I need to find a romantic partner so I can look at their face and see if I can get any stir look in their hair. See if they've got all eyes, look in their ear hole so I can like get the stuff out there wax out. So that's the only reason why I want a romantic partner base basically just to grow groom them, which probably not fun for them. But you know, their happiness in this matter is of no coincidence to me. I will do it regardless. My ex actually the one with a little hole he would let me also look at his face, but he would give me a time limit. So you're only allowed five minutes. Because if it was up to me, I'd be like, sitting there looking, staring at his face, like pulling out random hairs and stuff. Yeah, so he caught on it was like you've only got five minutes. Yeah, but sometimes he liked it. It's not like you hate it all the time. Anyway, I'm making myself sound like a a star star star romantic partner. So oh, I would like that if my partner would do that. But they'd be disappointed because I don't have anything. There's so the most interesting thing is sometimes, like once every six months I might get a really long hair on my face. And that's just like oh my god. Oh my god. Get the camera out. Oh, I'm so excited. Oh, let's have a look at this. Oh, let's take your time pulling it out. Or you know.

Anyway, I feel sorry. I feel sorry for me for my terrible live having nothing on my skin. Yeah, so sad for me. Anyway, so you know that I'm in the online business world obviously because I have a business and it's online and I talk to people virtually and all that type of jazz. And so I I've spoken in other episodes about how the online business world and business and self help in general is so fucking fat phobic. And I wanted to talk about this. This idea of weight loss being a mindset issue after reading this article that came out in The Guardian today, was it today? I saw I read it came out today or yesterday. Anyway talking about this one person who is like one of the leaders in the life coaching world and they get on my fucking floppy tears. I'll tell you they get all my tickets. And the reason is that they are one of these people who says weight loss is just a mindset issue. Weight Loss Weight on your body is a manifestation of of stuff that you've not worked out in your mind yet. And a reading this this kind of this takedown on her not in regards to diet stuff in The Guardian, but other stuff is it was just satisfying. I'll link to the the article but the the tagline is Brooke Castillo the quote, Queen of life coaching has convinced her fans they can find meaning and money in the field. But is she setting them unattainable, or them an unattainable fantasy?

Basically, the article is like, oh, you know, you can do trained to be a life coach with her life school life coaching school for 15 grand, but they most people don't make money from it. Because because most people don't make money from it, because they're probably not teaching people how to get clients. And they are probably what a lot of times what I why I think

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a lot of people in business in general and an online business world fail is because they realize that they have to not only do the stuff that they want to do, but stuff, which is not maybe inside their personality type. And that's that's just it's just not who they are. Right. And so a lot of the stuff that you have to do as an online business owner or business owner generally is a lot of promotion and marketing and selling and all that type of stuff. And some people just don't have that personality. And and I think a lot of times, people get sucked into seeing those with businesses and say, oh, yeah, you know, I'd love to help people and get hold by some someone selling a life coach certification. Yeah, you know, you can be a life coach and I've made $10 million, which is I think Christie has turnover. Last year I've made $10 million and so you'll be able to make a million or whatever. And, and people these are people who are who are so kind and lovely and want to help others and then they finish their service. And they're like, oh, what? Where are the clients and they realize they have to hold built, build a whole blooming brand, which takes time and some people are not into that. And they just want to coach and not do the other side of things.

Anyway, the article doesn't mention that but they talk about how how they've got this she's got a model or a method or something, which is all about how basically you're at fault for whatever the circumstances are in your life. Which is I mean, for some things I can understand like, but it's very, like a very black and white thinking and it got a got finally bit her Brooke Castillo in the last summer. So let me let read some excerpts. So this so this book, Brooke Castillo is the CEO of a life coaching, school business type thing. Okay, so I'm gonna talk about a little bit about the diet thing too. So in the early 2000s, so this is quote from The Guardian, Lincoln Lincoln episode shownotes facebook.com. Forward slash 100. For Android. Oh, my God. Oh, if you always forget, if you forget the number of the episode, it's just facebook.com forward slash podcast. It's probably in the show notes anyway. Anyway, okay. So to quote in the early 2000s, she saw a trim life coach, she is Brooke Castillo named Martha Beck on The Oprah Winfrey Show who specialized in working with overscheduled women inspired Castillo enrolled in Beck's three day coaching certification program, and then began began marketing's herself as a weight loss coach. Don't you just love it? Just because So Brooke Castillo is a thin white woman obviously. And don't you just love it, how she just you know, she did a three days show coaching certification, and now she is a weight loss coach. And presumably her prior experience of being a weight loss coach is his genetics of being born with a with a straight sized body.

So anyway, so continuing, she visualized her ideal client, a woman standing in her kitchen at 2am. Eating out of the fridge. Castillo taught that losing weight was more about mindset than diet, or exercise. If her clients got in touch with the emotions that spurred them to overeat. She told them, the pounds would melt away. Um, what evidence Have you got to back that up that, Brooke, huh? No, no evidence, no evidence. It's just this whole kind of the online business world, the business world self help, all of that type of stuff is so fucking fat phobic. It's just, I just get on my tits so badly where I'm just like, Yeah, I'd love to, you know, learn how to cope with different situations. And, you know, maybe I've just got kind of, you know, life issues, minor life issues, where I'd love to know how to cope with stress a little bit better, but it's not anything that that's so tough to deal with that I would need to go to my therapist about or leave my therapist to deal with how to how to deal with my DMs that I get. That's what I talk to my therapist therapist about not anymore, though, because my VA is in my do my DMs. Yeah. And so and so you think, oh, yeah, I'm just gonna I want to I just read this book on.

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On some good stuff. I just bought a book. I just bought a book at the I was in a group. And at the end of the end of this, I'm in this group program. About I mentioned to you too, I mentioned it to you before, was a face. Seven, US woman have a couple of talks. And her name is escaping me. Why is it Brene? Brown, Brene. Brown. So I did a Brene Brown course.

And at the end, the facilitator said, Oh, hey, why don't you check out this book. And so the book is the Mindful self compassion workbook, a proven way to accept yourself building strength and thrive. And so I was like, oh, written by a couple of couple of PhDs. And it's all about self compassion, right? You know, I love I love all learning more about that stuff. And so the self compassion in our bodies is what I went to number 85 went to number 85. Okay, page 85. See what we're gonna say about self compassion and our bodies. And basically, it's stop being such a fat buck. Like, well hang on a minute. This is where we self run. Yeah. And it's basically like, Oh, you're so greedy. You just eat shit and like, It's so disappointing

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Yeah, it's just so disappointing, because this is like, the rest of it is, you know, it's self compassion. The same way that Brene Brown calls it was like, Oh, we're everyone's so fat. And what was the word she said? She said something like we're the most over medicated and over eating or something. population in history. And this goes to show that Westwood that we don't have a lot of self compassion. And it was like a How come on now you know that self compassion, compassion, shame. You're shaming people use shaming people. How are you meant to help people be self compassionate? When you're like, listen up here, you fat loser. You know? How does How are you going to breed self compassion? Listen, just be just me more compassionate and you won't be with me so far.

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Anyway, and so this this lesson is go on about like this, this blaming type of thing. So they're talking about in this in this article about people not happy with the results of the program or whatever. So one of the people is called Olivia so quick. When Olivia complaint of customer service, she was met with a reply straight out of the LCS playbook. So LCF LCS is the name of the coaching program school, so it's Life Coach School. So LCS playbook. The problem was just in her thoughts, which is a very convenient, right because it means that they they can never be wrong. She said Sara foods, who was an LCSW contract employee for two years, and has appeared on Castillo's podcast told me she met with similar pushback when she complained about being asked to work extra hours without additional pay or receiving inadequate training. They would tell us to ask how is this perfect for me? She said, it's using the tools I teach us about changing our thoughts to make a crappy situation feel better. It keeps us quiet. Blatz occasionally chafed against the LCS worldview? Was it true that all circumstances were neutral, and that her thoughts were the source of all her problems? What about her abusive childhood? What about the time that she'd been sexually assaulted? Was that a neutral circumstance? But her coaches helped convince her that it was exactly these kinds of thoughts that were undermining her progress. Hmm, interesting. Interesting. Yeah.

So the what they teach and is what a lot of these these programs teach is a every situation in the world is neutral. And so where they got up, what they got caught up in is I'm going to read in a little bit was the, the Great Awakening of white people last summer, one of the great awakening of white people last summer, around George Floyd's murder and the BLM protests, where white people were like, Oh, shit. Turns out I'm a big racist, and people did a lot of their what's the word? performative activism. And so, Brooke Castillo didn't do even the performative, active, even the performative activism. Because her believe, and I believe a lot of people in this in this side of the coaching world is that any situation is neutral, even racism. And so and so what they're saying is, it's an it's a neutral experience, if you experience racism, it's neutral. And the way that you think is, what's going to mean that you're going to deal with racism is the way that you think versus the idea that we shouldn't live in a racist society and is not a neutral event is it's a negative event. So quote from this article, then last spring after George Floyd was murdered, and businesses scrambled to prove their anti race racist bonafides LCS was considered conspicuously silent. Chrystia staff pushed her to issue a statement, or at least a Facebook post decrying racism and voicing support support for their black members. But she refused. Instead, on the first of June LCS published a vague Instagram text post, saying, Love is always the answer. That seemed like an attempt to sidestep the national reckoning on race. It had the exact opposite effect. LCS social media was flooded with furious comments on the internal Slack channel, coaches called Chrystia out the school was inundated with cancellations and demands for refunds.

So, basically is it's like it's kind of this idea of of blaming people for their life situations is a part of that.

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It just just exhausted by Oh, part of that, you know, a victim blaming. It's tied in with with racism, it's tied in with sexism and classism and fat phobia and ableism. You know, it's kind of like, yeah, every situation is neutral. And it is your fault. If you have a result that you don't want. You know, it's not the fault that you are, you know, live in a racist society that says that, that murders, people of color, black indigenous people of color, it's not this sexist society. It's not this fat phobic society. And yeah, I mean, like, you know, we do have control over certain aspects of our lives for sure, right. But this, it's so complicated, you know, it's kind of like that, that all that attitude of pull yourself up by your bootstraps, like, just get on with it. And, you know, if you work hard, then you'll succeed. And that's, that is not true for the vast, vast, vast, vast, vast majority of people, it's, it's more likely, if you're born rich, if you're born white, if you're born thin, if you're born able bodied, then you'll succeed, you know. And if you've not got success, it's because you haven't thought the right way about it. And, and a big part of this is the idea that if you have a bigger body, then it's because you have a mindset issue. So is weight loss, a mindset issue? This was my big belief verts. When I was in diet culture, I thought that I was fat, because there was something wrong with my brain. And there was something wrong with the way that I thought. And that's why I, I really wanted to go into therapy when I did is because I wanted to get into therapy, I wanted to go to therapy, so that I could finally be thin. So I could fix what was broken with my brain use fix in big quotations and broken in big quotations. Because it was my own thoughts and beliefs that was making me fat is what I deeply believed. And it was, there was something wrong with me, I had some type of personality flaw, I was greedy, I was out of control. And that is, that's why I was fat.

By the way, you can't think yourself thin. So many people think you can't, you can't, you can't think yourself fit. And that's why companies like I don't even I'm not going to say their name because I don't want I don't want, I don't want them to trigger. You get an ABS or me getting ABS but, and oh, you know what I'm talking about and WW, hopefully that's going to trigger ads come in, coming up. That's why those companies and M and WW are doing so well. Recently, and I'm just gonna say I'm just gonna call it n. So n is only a few years old, right? It's only a few years old, but it's so well established. It has made its founders millions of dollars, because they talk about psychology. They talk about mindsets, and it's all based on bullshit. There's none of that. There's none of that and even if there was any of that I think there's like a toonie tiny little bit like a Oh here's an article on on mindset of how to lose weight. Thank you can lose weight you know that's that's basically it but it's not it's just another diet. So there's no psychology to learn how to lose weight because diets don't work. There's no way to mindset magic your way into weight loss. So with N It's a straight up diet when you if you've ever if you've not experienced it before, basically, not that I have but learning from others about what it is is you you get the app The website, whatever you log in your pay you 250 bucks for a year. And you then put in your height and weight. BMI. Oh, such cutting edge technology. Oh, what's that? It's 200 years old and created by a mathematician, not by a doctor, and was never meant to use us to measure health. Okay, all right. Okay, cutting edge. Okay, we've got cutting edge. So you, you find out what your BMI is. And then you find out what your weight should be.

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So on about weight, apparently, this isn't all about weight. It's about being healthy, about psychology. And then it asks you how quickly do you want to starve yourself. And so you could be a rabbit or a tortoise and there's something else in the middle can't remember what it is. And so so if you choose the rabbits, skip ahead, 30 seconds, if you don't want to hear mention of calories. Skip ahead. 30 seconds, if you don't want to hear mention of calories, choosing if you want to do it fast, then you'll be given a diet of 1200 calories a day. Okay, so where's the psychology coming in? Maybe Maybe they're talking about psychology because you get to choose if you're a rabbit, or you know, a hair or a tortoise, is that the psychology they're talking about? And the thing is, is like we're not tired, we're not diet. We let you eat any food that you want. Sure, yeah, yep. Yep. They let you they let you eat any food that you want. But that's not before categorizing the food as a red, yellow, or green food and telling you that you shouldn't eat too many other red foods. And if you did say if you if you did, ie, what you you know, anything that you wanted, you'd be done with your calories by the time you brush your teeth in the morning because the toothpaste is going to be too many calories, right? So, so yeah, orange, I'm gonna click you're going to eat. But you know, you're gonna have nothing and then be like, Oh, well, I reached my calorie limit for the day. And remember what I said about that many calories? A few episodes ago when I talked about the Minnesota starvation experiment experiment and the Chava ghetto study about what happens to the human body on that many calories. Burn. No, no, no, they're cutting edge. This is all about psychology. Do you see any psychology in that stuff apart from fucking up your psychology? Like? There isn't in literally, it's just a marketing trick. And it gets a lot of those people who are like, Oh, no, I'm not into diets, or I'm into intuitive eating. Oh, you know, but they're still in diet culture. They don't know. And who blame their fail failure to be thin on their brain on the way that they're thinking and they sign up for these these these fucking things which are on every podcast advert I'm trying to have asleep and fall asleep to murder podcasts and not listen to adverts about this magical weight loss app. Someone is leaving in peace when my murder shows God Yeah, and then reading about the other things I was I was I went and did some research about what is it that people say like how do you lose weight using by changing your mindset and so I went and read some articles in incognito mode Not that that's going to not stop me getting now loads of ads for friggin stupid ad diets.

Anyway, and this stuff was so ironically, it was literally just think you think you can get thin and your will get thin? Just think positive thoughts. One said that science has spoken. Those who don't like their bodies don't exercise as much. And so that's why they are fat. So to lose weight, you should love your body. Hmm. So what now? So they're saying you're fat because you hate yourself. And presumably, you hate yourself because you're fat. Stop hating yourself and the side effect will be that you'll become thin. That's that this is what they're talking about with you know, change your mindset and become thin. I mean, I hope someone I bet you I wonder if someone has taken that advice and it's like okay, shit, well, I want to get thin so I'm going to learn to love myself and then they fall into body positivity, fat positivity, Health at Every Size, intuitive eating and then realize, Oh my God, what a load of bullshit. So yeah, I kind of like that advice. I'd like the advice of go and go and love. Try and learn to love your body because it's going to help it isn't, you know, it's not gonna make you get thin, right? Because that's not how human bodies work. But it's just highroller. Yeah. So mindset is not going to changing your mindset is not going to make you thin. You know, because there's no way there's no way there's no way. There's no way.

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There's no way to get thin. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, not for the vast majority of people as you nerds. Yeah. Okay, so I wanted to talk about this this question, which is, Will I ever truly accept myself as fat? Will I ever truly accept myself as fat? And will I ever stop longing to be thin? Because I think a lot of people they're like, Okay, well, you know, I'm fat. Okay, well, you know, I've accepted fatness, but, you know, I've accepted the idea that I can't lose weight. But when will I ever stop longing. And looking back at the days when I was thinner and being like, Oh, my God, that's what my life was better. Oh, my God, that's when I was able to move more on my God, that's when, you know, I was getting kind of lingers every single night of the week, you know? You know, looking back at those times, and being like, Oh, it was great. My life was better because I was center. And no one wants to this. This is this is super superduper complex. The reason why it's super duper complex is because we live in a world that it's not built for bigger bodies. It's not built for a lot of straight sized bodies. And so, the bigger your body, the less safe the world is for you. So it's a legitimate thing to say, life was easier when I was thinner. Because life was, was probably easier, you probably had more stores that you could shop in, you could probably fit in more chairs, you could probably go to the fairground, and go on the roller coaster, you probably had more people who will be open to dating you. Literally, it is true. It's not something that you're imagining it.

And obviously like say, if you're straight size, and you just put on a few pounds, and you're like, oh my god, you know, life was so much easier when I was five pounds smaller. I mean, is it? You know, I'd say I'd question that. Is that is that a perception? Or is that true? But you know, it is if you know a straight size person versus a fat person, versus as well, someone who is higher at higher on the fat spectrum. You know, a smaller fat person versus an infinite fat person, their experience of the world is going to be totally different. And it's gonna be so much harder for the infinite fat person. And so, yeah, yeah, I get it, I get I get looking back and saying, I wish I was thinner. I wish I was thinner. So that thought can change by the way that thought can change. So for someone like me, I can say, Yeah, life was easier when I could just go to the mall and find a few stores where I can find clothes. Life was easier. But I know, looking back on my body when it was smaller, and my life when it was smaller, and saying or remote romanticizing it, even if it was better legitimately is not helpful for me because I know that there is really no way for me to be that size again. And so is that continued thought helping me in that body acceptance journey. Probably not. But other times those sorts just come up. You know, when you have those annoying thoughts popping up. The more that you're surrounded by fat positivity, body positivity, health, every size, intuitive eating all of that good stuff. The more that you're speaking to see the joy in your current body and seeing all of the lovely benefits of being a part of the fat community. And when before you get there, it's okay to be having those uncomfortable feelings. It's okay like you don't need to feel guilty that you're thinking like that because shit. Most people are thinking like that right? Thinking. I wish I was thinner. That's a very, very common thought. And so what can you do in the moment right now to embrace the suck is what I like to say, during the pandemic, I was in a group, I was in a group coaching thing for, you know, how to learning how to, like survive mentally the pandemic. And the big thing that I took away from that is, I came up with the, the, the phrase, embrace a sock, and I just put it everywhere, because it was kind of like, we're stuck in the pandemic, there's nothing we can do. I can't leave my house.

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It sucks. It just sucks. And there's nothing I can do. And so what am I going to do? I'm going to just sit wallow in my own self pity. And embrace it, you know, embrace that it's shit right now, and not try to see a silver lining, and not be like, Oh, well, it's gonna be temporary. No, like, sit in it and be like, I'm having my life is shit right now. That's okay. You know, I don't have to immediately try and get out of this feeling of my life is shit right now. We know. And you might you know, like after, after embracing the second, for a while, you might realize you know what, I feel a little bit better. Now. I'm going to, I'm going to see if there is anything I can do to help myself. And there might not be and then you'd be like, all backings suck. And that's fine, too.

So even though the thought of life is easier, if I smaller is legitimate, is there anything you can do to learn to manage that thought? Is there anything that you can do when that thought comes up that comforts yourself? And is there anything that you can do to make yourself feel more comfortable? Because especially if you've put on weight, sometimes you can feel your body, you can notice your body you can notice Oh, that there's Oh, I noticed there's a new roll on my back. And oh, just noticing it makes me go. Oh, you know, some people might say that. And so if you then decide, okay, well, what I'm going to do is I'm feeling uncomfortable in my body, and it's bringing up these these feelings of I wish I was thinner. What can you do to make yourself feel more comfortable? Could it be as simple as wearing looser clothes, not wearing a bra for the day, not wearing an app not wearing underwear and just letting your floppy bits hang loose? You know, because sometimes just the feeling of your body that can be triggering. So what can you do to help yourself with that?

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So, to the to the question, you know, Will I ever stop wishing that I was sin? If you're doing the work, if you are working to unlearn fatphobia, then there's absolutely hope for you to not be consumed by that thought. Or, you know, that thought coming up. And instead of being it being so distressing, being able to manage it, and being able to take it for what it is. And you know, if a thought like that, for me came up, I would say oh, okay, this is interesting. Why am I thinking like this? Hmm? Is it because I just watched 10 hours on love island where there is only normative bodies in bikinis. Hmm. I think that's my maybe what it is, is because I spent time with my fat phobic sister in law, who is always talking about how horrible over and over years she is when she straights eyes. Hmm, yeah, it could be that and then oh, okay, how can I how can I protect myself? How can I look after my mental health right now? Versus Oh, God, you know, yeah, maybe I should try and become thin or whatever it is. You know, your sales, your sales.

Okay, so let's move on to a couple of other questions. And I'm not sure what this is. There's a couple of questions here. And then there's an A third question, and they all kind of similar. So first is how do we set boundaries without being mean or offending of friends and family? Next, how can I set boundaries and talk about my journey towards body neutrality without causing others to feel shame about their own process? And then I want to read this other final one from hairdresser who says, I am having a hard time with two things. One, every time I call my mom at least once she brings up losing weight or the fact that I'm going to get diabetes. She has diabetes and has since I was a child talked about how I don't want to end up like her, but I'm sick and tired of hearing it every time I talk with her. Number two, I'm a hairdresser and everyday I hear people talking about diets and losing Wait, I think it is hurting my mental health but I can't magically make 200 Plus clients stop talking about it. Also, my boss has gained weight in the shutdowns we had in 2020. And multiple times a day talks about how she was straight sized. And now she is still straight size I'm they're saying that they're saying the sizes here. But it's they've gone from straight sized to straight sized a higher straight size, and how she needs to lose the weight. I'm fat and okay with it, but so exhausted about hearing about losing weight, and dieting and diabetes left, right and center in my life, and I don't know how to get away with it, get away from it without changing careers when I like my career. Yes, yeah. Why should you have to change your career when you like your career because of fucking fat phobes? No, you shouldn't have to, you shouldn't have to. And I'm so sorry that you're experiencing that, and experiencing that with your mum. And these are excellent questions about how to basically what it is, is set boundaries. And I want to share something with you, which is something that's inside my I've got a mini course called boundary boss boundary bosses. It's under 50 bucks. And so if you are struggling with this stuff, boundary bosses got loads of loads of resources about how to how to do this. But let me give you one of the things that I teach inside boundary boss, which is when it comes to boundaries, using the jab technique, which is something that that I that I came from my brain. So the jam technique, the J a BB stands for something, each word stands for something.

So the first one is judge, judge, judge whether it is safe to set the boundary. So when I say whether it's safe, I want you to recognize that there are different power power dynamics at play in different relationships. So if you've got a relationship with just I know your sister, you know the power dynamic, there could be pretty equal. But maybe say if you're living in your sister's house, because you lost your job, and you're not paying any rent. And if you had a confrontation with your sister, she could throw you out and you could be homeless, then the power dynamic is different. Or say with your boss who's talking about Wait, is it safe for you to say to your boss, hey, motherfucker, stop that shit. Oh, would your boss by you? Sometimes we know we have different relationships with our bosses? So I don't know the answer to that, right? And if you're living with your sister, your sister might be a very reasonable unkind person. Well, maybe not. And so the first thing is to judge is it so is it safe for me to set this boundary?

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Okay, so A stands for action. And so action is actually going and setting the boundary. And so when we say going and setting the boundary, what that can look like can be 1000 different things. And with this with the with the hairdresser, are we going to be setting boundaries with 200? Clients? Maybe, maybe, yes, maybe no. Maybe there is a way to protect yourself that is different from setting a boundary. And it could be a boundary that you create for yourself versus a boundary you create for them. And so let me just go through the things and so so action is EA so judge, action brace because brace they will forget about the boundary, not will but pretty much likely. So brace for them to say, you know, you've said hey, can can you not talk about that? And they're gonna say, oh, yeah, of course. And then 10 minutes later, they're gonna be like, hey, you know, let me rub some celery into my eyeballs, because I'm going to lose weight. And so then you're like, you're braced for the fact that they're going to do that. And then you are going to remind them of the boundary. And then the final B is bottom line, like if they keep not respecting your boundaries. What is your bottom line? When are you going to walk away? What what are you going to put in place to protect your mental health? So that's a jab technique. But with each of these things here, we need to know how to say it. Right? So with boundaries without being mean, or offending others. The idea is to make it about you. Right? It's about you. It's not about them. And so when it is safe, when you do want to set a boundary with someone because you love them, you respect them and you want a good relationship with them. You Say, Hey, I'm wondering if you can help me with something. And they will say, Yes, I would love to. And you will say, I'm working on learning to love and accept my body right now, I'm actually doing a course about it, or I'm actually reading a book about it or whatever. And something that I discovered is that what is really triggering for me is, is when I start talking about diets, when I start talking about diets, I notice the next day or whatever, I will have negative body thoughts. And I realized as well, that kind of, you know, when others are talking about that type of stuff to you kind of doesn't make me feel good, either. So I'm wondering, could you avoid talking about diets, or whatever it is? While I'm around? And they'll probably be like, yeah, kill, no big deal. Tell me some more. Because you're not going in there. Say, listen up, you piece of shit. You've ruined my life, because you talk about diets all day long. And I hate you. You're saying, Hey, I'm doing something, you know, it's about me. And it's about how I'm triggered. Is there a way that we can avoid this, it's more about you than it is about them. Now, that's, you know, that's one technique, you can do anything you like, you can go in and you can say, listen up, I add another your bullshit, or make a joke, or, you know, say something else. But that is my favorite kind of one liner of hey, can you help me with something that gets people's defenses down?

Now with the with our hairdresser. I mean, it said, you say you think it's hurting your mental health, I can, I can imagine that it is absolutely hurting your mental health, to 24. You know, although the hours of that you're working. So you say 200 Plus clients, I would really and then, and then you finish with the client, and then you then your boss, who is straight size is like arms. And then you're talking to your mom, and then your mom is like, Oh, you need to lose weight. I can't even imagine if

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that would be really distressing for me. And so I can imagine it's probably distressing for you, and if anyone else is experiencing things like that. So I think I presume with your mum that you want to have a relationship with her, you don't want to just cut her off. It sounds like you know, you talk to you talk to her on the phone. I mean, there is the option, you don't have to talk to him. And by the way, if you if you like actually, you know what, Victoria, I've like going home my mom, that's cool, you know. But if you do want to have a relationship with her, it sounds like setting a juicy boundary with your mum would be really helpful and really having to stick with it. Now, I want to tell you that it is possible for a parent who has been in diet culture for many, many years who has talked to you in a certain way for many years to change. It's happened to me, okay, so you might be thinking my mum will never go for that. But if you use the the technique, the jab technique, Judge action brace, bottom line. And for you the brace and the bottom line is going to be really big because your mom is probably going to be like, Listen, did you hear about diabetes next time you talk and then you're going to have to say listen, ma'am, remember, I was talking about how this, I'm doing this thing and talking about diabetes is not good for my mental health. And you may have to get to your bottom line where you know, don't talk to her for a little while. Give yourself a break from her. Don't talk to her for a long while. You know, whatever that bottom line is for you. It's going to be different for everyone. Now with your clients. This is this is a this is a tricky one right now. It's so my hairdresser, my hairdresser. So I saw I have a new hairdresser. I've been there twice. And I spoke about the first time that I went there because the hairdresser she kept referring to me as a woman. And she asked me what I did and I said oh I help people. Unlearn fatphobia, and she was like, I was amazing, as long as they're healthy. And in that in that moment. I didn't say anything I chose not to say anything. I chose not to say anything about the gender thing because I was like still still new being non binary and still kind of working out how to stand up for myself and all that type of stuff. With the with the her saying as long as they're healthy. She didn't expand on that she Just have that one liner as long as they're healthy. I didn't want to hear that. But I decided, is this in a moment where I'm going to educate her? Or is this a moment where I'm going to let it go? I decided to let it go. Now, if the next appointment, she started saying, Oh, I'm so fat, and bla bla bla, I, personally would shut that down by saying, Oh, actually, you know, I might educate her and say, Oh, actually, blah, blah, blah, this is not true. Or I might just change the subject. So what I'm thinking is for your clients, 200 of them, maybe, let's say, 10 of them, you're really close to those 10 that you're really close to and would actually consider friends. Those are the people that you probably want to say, Hey, listen, I know, you know, because they'll say, you know, what's going on with your life. And you can say, actually, I've noticed this, and I'm doing this and so so I'm not talking about dieting and anything like that, again, would you mind helping with the process? And hopefully, if you're like, I know friendly with the client. They'll be like, cool, you know, this is, this is what's going on. Now. This is the change that we're seeing in my hairdresser. And I think it's really cool. All they can say is, you know, fuck that I want to go to the hairdresser's and talk about how, how unattractive and fat I am, even though I'm straight sized. Maybe they're not the best clients for you. And maybe rescue clients or maybe you know, newer people or people that you're not friendly, friendly with.

And in those situations, I would come up with different tactics to either if they bring up waitstaff change the subject. Just be like, Oh my God, did you see that new film in the cinema? Or did you see what happened on EastEnders last night? Oh, doo, doo, doo doo doo doo doo doo. That's EastEnders closing theme, by the way, if people don't know,

51:51

or you can be a total badass, Rockstar. And well, I didn't say about as Rockstar, you could begin to move your business, your business as in the clients that you see, even if you're working for someone else into being a body positive business, and be like, you know, have a little sticker on your on your workstation that says, all bodies are cool, or being fat is gray. And then when someone says, oh my God, I've tried this new diet, you can say oh, did you see that sticker? Yeah, actually, I'm transitioning into a book being a body positive hairdresser. Do you know anything about body positivity? And they'll say, oh, yeah, what is it? What is it? And then doing that? I think long term, something like that is probably going to be the best for your mental health, right? Because like you say, 200 clients talking about it. And your boss, and you say you think it's hurting your mental health, I think, you know, long term. So I'm not saying tomorrow, go out and do that. Because that might be really big and scary. But maybe in the next two years or five years, that's the transition where you begin to talk about this type of stuff. Because I mean, what would you do if a client started saying other inappropriate things, things that you feel more confident about that it's deeply inappropriate sales come in, sat someone sat in your chair and started about spouting racist shit and started saying, Hey, do you want to join my, my neo Nazi group? You would probably not smile and nod and be polite. You'd probably like what the fuck, right? Because it's, it's, it's fucked up. It's, you know, it's bad. It's not cool. It's, you know? And, and so, right now, you're, maybe you're still in learning fatphobia. And so, you might still be like, well, they've got a point, you know, you know, I Oh, I'm not sure what to say. But getting to the point when people were people, if they talk like that, to you about fatness or dieting, it just be a boundary of yours. Where in the salon, we actually don't talk about dieting, because we are a body positive salmon. What does that mean? Oh, it means that lalala we think that it's cool to be fat or whatever. And like I say, that might be something that's, you know, way, way, way, way down the road, but it sounds like protecting your mental health in whatever way you can. And it could be that you don't have any conversations and and what you do instead is you go home after seeing all these clients and you just go and do a ton of of work on how you feeling about the conversations you had that day. It could be that you go home and you just do a ton of self care. It could be Go home and you, you know, get a takeout pizza and have a nap. Right? But just as put it out there that you deserve to be in a workplace that is free from bigotry, that is free from shaming, because that is not okay. And you say you like your career, you know, you'd like your career, that it's not okay that you have to consider finishing ending your career because of fat phobia. That's not okay. So yeah, it's I mean, it's complicated, right? I don't think there is any perfect answer to that of how to deal with people.

Because, again, you know, in with the jam technique, Judge, where is a power with clients? Yeah, the power they're paying you. If you had, you know, a waitlist of so many different clients that wanted to get with you. The power is probably more in your hands. If you're, if you're a new hairdresser, and you've got, you know, not that many clients and you're struggling to fill your books, the power is probably in their hands. But it sounds like I don't know, 200 clients sounds like a lot to me. I don't know. I don't? I don't know. But that sounds like a lot to me. And so what if you did lose some clients? Because you said, Hey, we don't talk about diet stuff in the salon. Saloon. I mean, you know, you know, if you if you have that have that wiggle room to get rid of the worst offenders.

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That's an option to maybe follow. So let me just wrap up the main theme of today, which is, is weight loss, a mind set issue, the belief that I was fat, because there was something wrong with my brain was so deeply ingrained in me, because I was so into the self help world and the self help world told me that weight was a manifestation of a manifestation on your body of shit that was going on in your brain. And if you had your shit figured out, you would be thin. So I thought I would go to therapy and quote unquote, fix my brain. And once I fixed my brain, I would become Finn. And the reason why I craved certain foods was or ate certain foods, because I had a personality flaw, I was greedy, and I was out of control. In case you don't know, you cannot think your way thin. So many people believe that you can, but you can't. And so that's why we have the rise of all these new psychology based diets, which is just a diet, but they use buzzwords in marketing to make to appeal to the people who think that fatness is a manifestation of having unresolved trauma or thoughts like that. When it isn't, there's many reasons why someone is fat. And all of these diets that are targeting people who think that psychology is going to make them thin, and, quote, unquote, fixing their brain is going to make them thin. It's just another way to diet companies to make money because people are getting wise to the idea that plain plain old dieting doesn't work. And so they're they're jazzing it up and saying, This is not a diet, this is psychology, this is all about your feelings, and then you log in. And turns out, it's a diet, it's a very low calorie diet. So people are fat for many different reasons. And none of them are the fault of the fat person. And it's not a mindset issue as to why we can't lose weight, we can't lose weight, because our bodies are doing numerous magical things to keep us at a weight that it's happy with. But it's, you know, an await that it's it's settled at. And so it's nothing to do with our mindset. It's everything to do with our glorious bodies, keeping us safe. Okay, well, I hope you enjoyed our episode today. 100. Apps episode 100. So pleased that you're hanging out with me for all of these episodes. I'm going to go walk to gie take him to the dog park. Go and see all of the no dummies. So last time was a dog park, a dog weed on a man's leg? Because he thought that the man was a tree because he was wearing brown trousers and I said dawg, I understand I felt terrible for the owner. I would be mortified if he did that. I would like go in like I know trying to clean their trousers like what would you do in that situation? What? If a dog pissed on you? Like if I don't pick on me, I'd be like, Listen, this is a bit shit. But you know, what can you do or a dog park but I would you know if that if I did that to someone else I'd feel awful. So anyway, I'm gonna go take a dig into the dog park and my friend Sam has made me some authentic British curry sauce.

In England you get it from the chip shop, curry sauce and so I'm going to go and try and find some chips with a chips I mean fries for North Americans. But here's the problem. My friend Sam who is Scottish actually, he even called the potato foundation or something of Canada to find out why the fuck the potatoes are so shit here and why where are all the British chip shops and apparently, in the UK, we use Maris Piper, that's the type of potato and Maris Piper is very starchy and has very little sugar content, which makes it the chip that we're used to. And they don't make that in Canada they probably doing like you know, some random farmer here or there but in Canada, you go to the store, at least, you know in mind in Sam's experience, and you get a white potato or you get a red potato and is there a brown protective what's the brown one called

1:01:29

something else? Anyway, none of them I'm Maris Piper I was thinking why am I roast potatoes? So shit. And the potatoes here do tastes so sweet. Like I have baked potato and I'm like, why is it What's with all this sugar on the baked potato but it's not it's just that there's a different different different breed a different brand, a different type of potato.

So anyway, I'm not going to go out and find some merits Piper. I've been trying to see if I can find some seeds on somewhere so I can give some some seeds for Christmas and he can grow some potatoes and we can have some nice curry sauce with some potatoes. But yeah, and there's there's British chippies in Vancouver. Been looking at the pictures they are not they are not British fish and chips at all. They're just fucking makes me mad. It makes me mad of IT. And especially if they're not run by British people, and they're like authentic British chips, fish and chips. And then you go in and they're all wearing tartan kilts, and you're like what? Why why you realize that's not that's the that's not the swamp and then it's like McDonald's fries you know string fries and like No, no, no. And oh, I'm not down with this tell you thing. I

1:02:50

know. Nothing. I'm not down with wet wet wet stuffing. You know have you have on Sunday dinner? You stuffing North Americans. They leave it wet. Like it's

1:03:12

like a damp sock or something. versus putting it putting it in the oven and getting it crunchy. But don't do that. Maybe some maybe some, but in my experience. They'd like a lot of wet wetness in the Sunday danas whereas I feel like Brits, and Irish and Scottish we want crunchy. We want crunchy roast potatoes. Crunchy Yorkshire puddings. You've got some national side, you know. And then you got your stuffing which is crunchy on the outside and then moist in the middle. Lots of crunch and then you have grazie gravy to make it moist. Whereas I feel like with North America, they're like okay, we're gonna have fucking broke roll broccoli casserole wet. Wet. Stuffing that's wet. Cranberry Sauce, wet. Mashed potato, wet. No Rose potatoes, no rose parsnips, no Yorkshire puddings. And then the meat when it's all wet. It's all wet. Where's all the crunch? There's no crunch was a crunch listen up now North America you need to get you need to get with it. Get some crunch in your son. Sunday dinners. Okay. Okay. Okay, good. I'm glad we got that sorted. I will also watch a video of some some American woman trying to make a cup of tea and it's so fucking so fucking funny because she got a kettle and she put like the tea bags in the kettle on the tea loose in the kettle. thing, and British people were coaching through and it took, like, seven tries to make a cup of tea. And that's another thing here is like, a kettle is the most basic thing that you'd have in your kitchen. You know? And here for a lot of people, it's kind of like, Wow, I've never seen a kettle I've ever used a kettle and I'm like, Well, how the fuck do you make tea? or coffee? What? How do you live? How do you how do you boil the kettle to make hot water if you want to like wash the floors? What are you boiling a pot on the stove?

1:05:37

Anyway, whatever. I don't know why I've gone off on a rant about I like Canada okay, I love Canada I love Canada and America. I'm scared of America but you know

1:05:49

Sure, it's I'm joking around Okay, all right. Don't send me any hate letters about being like get out get out of our country if you don't like wet food. Because British cuisine is shit anyway, it is yet British cuisine is ship. So anyway, I'm gonna stop stop ranting about this stupid shit and go and take it to the park. Thank you for hanging out with me today I'll see you next episode or baby

1:06:21

thanks for listening to the episode and if you feel ready to get serious about this work and want to know when the doors open two phase fatty Academy which is my signature program, where I teach all about how to overcome your fat phobic beliefs and learn to love your fat body. Then go to phase fatty.com forward slash waitlist again that is fast fat e.com forward slash waitlist to get your name on the waitlist. For when first Matty Academy my signature program opens