Episode 153 Transcript
Read the transcript alongside the audio.
You're listening to the Fierce Fatty podcast episode 153, When you don't believe your spouse is attracted to you, let's do it.
Unknown Speaker 0:25
Hello, welcome to this episode. Hope you're fantastic. We're dealing with some sound issues. So if the sound sounds different today, let me know. Because
Unknown Speaker 0:40
Quick Time is being decade. Quick time you hear me you're being a decade I press record and isn't record anyway, so I'm having to use a different way to record the sound today. So hopefully it sounds just as good or normal or whatever.
Unknown Speaker 0:56
Yeah, so Hey, welcome to this episode. You know what, kind of slowly building up to 2023 Even though we are 2023 I was talking to some internet today. I was like, You know what, we just need to take all of January off. And like in the ideal non capitalistic world, just no working jet no working in all winter. On in the cold months, right? Because it's, it's just bad. There's no, there's no sun. It's raining. And I don't want to do anything apart from cross stitch, watching Netflix and having naps.
Unknown Speaker 1:31
But
Unknown Speaker 1:33
I'm lucky that I got such an awesome job. And I work for myself, right. So I'm very privileged. My favorite thing that happened in 2022 was purchasing a buddy, a BD. You know the thing that cleans your bum home. It's amazing. I'm so happy I got one from Toshi, I think it was like on sale for like 8090, something like that. I don't know. 120, who the fuck knows, whatever I paid, it was worth it.
Unknown Speaker 2:05
And apart from the only downside to my midi is that the water pressure pressure in my apartment is really strong. And sometimes when I turn the BD off after washing my asshole, I accidentally will
Unknown Speaker 2:23
increase the volume. There's dials, right, and then increasing the volume instead of turning it off. Increasing the volume increases the pressure. And the pressure is so hard is that that water spray goes through my colon, through my stomach, up through my esophagus through my mouth. That's how powerful that motherfucker
Unknown Speaker 2:48
and don't accidentally do that.
Unknown Speaker 2:52
Unplanned enema Whoa. But apart from that, you know, me to keep you know, put the volume down, but put the foot by the volume or sometimes I'm like, turn it on. I'm just like, go for it. And then it's like, well, that's too much. But anyway, that is one clean asshole if you've ever wondered about my asshole, since the tushy. It is just immaculate. So if you're thinking about getting it, if you've always thought about a BD, I say go for it. So that was a highlight of my 2222 was my answer.
Unknown Speaker 3:25
Anyway, so I wanted to talk about desirability. I was talking to a client.
Unknown Speaker 3:35
And anytime I talk to clients, and I'm kind of when I start to get to them, I'm like, who's in your life? Are they anti diet? Are they fat positive. And
Unknown Speaker 3:45
a lot of times when people are in relationships, a thing that they talk about is their spouse, either that their spouse is very supportive or that their spouse is
Unknown Speaker 3:56
a bit of a decade. And if the spouse is supportive, it doesn't matter. Almost I mean, it matters but
Unknown Speaker 4:05
a lot of Laurel times I hear the sentiment of I just can't believe them when they tell me that I am attractive. I just can't believe them. And it's such a common sentiment as I need to do a motherfucking podcast episode about this right?
Unknown Speaker 4:25
Because I think it's it's a universal experience. Not for everyone obviously. But for a lot of folks, fat folks, folks who are struggling with with body image stuff.
Unknown Speaker 4:39
So alerts talk about it.
Unknown Speaker 4:46
So first off, I wanted to get to know what you thought about this issue. So
Unknown Speaker 4:52
we've got some
Unknown Speaker 4:54
Thank you Instagram followers. If you're not following me on Instagram first off fatter, you're missing out on the pie.
Unknown Speaker 5:00
Hang on, I asked Instagram followers, what do you think? So?
Unknown Speaker 5:06
The question was, do you ever think that your spouse or partners are not attracted to your fat body, by the way, I'm using shorthand spouse. But what I mean is someone you might be in a long term relationship, someone that you might be in a non sexual relationship with, but still a loving partnership, someone that you a fucking one time, multiple people that you're you're fucking, or in a relationship with whatever the relationship dynamics are, um, just shorten that shortening down that to spouse or partner.
Unknown Speaker 5:43
Let's just say partner, that I think that's more. Yeah, yeah, that's a partner.
Unknown Speaker 5:50
So do you ever think that your spouse or partners are not attracted to your fat body? I'm making a podcast episode about this. And I would love to hear from you. So this is for folks who have partners who reassure them that their body is good, but you just can't seem to believe them or feel it for yourself? Have you ever experienced this? What does it feel like? What could your partner say? If anything to make you truly believe them? What other thoughts do you have? Okay, so
Unknown Speaker 6:21
this is what people said, first one, my spouse is always complimenting me and telling me how attractive they are to me. But one thing that makes it hard for me to believe is that they otherwise only make positive comments about the appearance of street size people, they will praise the accomplishments of fat people, but never their looks. Maybe that's because they don't want me to want no one to make me jealous. But my brain perceives it differently. Mm hmm. Something that I've noticed is that a lot of times people who are struggling with this are hyper aware of
Unknown Speaker 7:00
comments that their spouse has made. Often they'll be the this one flippant comment that was said, or, you know, a trend of comments. That is evidence to prove that they are lying to you. So for example, a lot of a lot of times I hear I asked my partner
Unknown Speaker 7:26
who is their type, and they describe someone who does not look like me.
Unknown Speaker 7:32
And then you know, that was that was date one or whatever. And they've been together for five years. And that was that one, that one comment of being like, Oh, I like brunettes, and you know, you're blonde or whatever it has stuck and stuck in the brain like this like sticky thing that says, Oh, hang on a minute. 17 years ago, you said that you'd like people with actually have versus my platinum hair, you know, and our brains are really good at that collecting evidence to prove and sometimes there is real evidence but a lot of times we can grab on to proof that our partners are lying to us because one time that they said someone else was attractive.
Unknown Speaker 8:13
Okay, next person. This is my entire relationship. My fiance loves my body he touches caresses and kisses every role I have, he tells me how sexy I am. And how attracted to me he is and how much he loves me and my body. I never believe him. And I never feel that way about myself.
Unknown Speaker 8:36
It's tough, isn't it? And as well when you have this this fiance touches caresses kisses, every roll I have.
Unknown Speaker 8:46
Okay, we're gonna go into more on that in in a
Unknown Speaker 8:50
little bit. We're gonna we're gonna kind of like rounding this up off of what people are saying. So let's just keep going. Next person, I used to struggle with this a lot more than I currently do. Something that helped a lot was asking my partner to compliment my body outside of times, that he was trying to initiate intimacy. I often felt like it was a lie to get what he wanted. Not a true compliment. He's also fat and I don't know why it's so easy for me to find him attractive and so hard for me to believe that he finds me attractive. I suppose the difference is, is in how society values male and female bodies. We both make an effort to complement each other more often and at random times now and his confidence is way up and I'm making progress towards being believing I'm attractive. Yeah, amazing. Look at that little communique shown and things feel a bit better for this person. And yeah, I I like to think about my experiences. And now I'm not a man. I'm non binary, but I think about attraction for me. And have I
Unknown Speaker 10:00
Ever.
Unknown Speaker 10:02
Like being with someone who I'm like, Oh, they're disgusting. Oh, they repulsive. Oh, I have to like, plug my nose while I'm with them and it will close my eyes because they're so repugnant to me.
Unknown Speaker 10:16
No, no, you know, sometimes maybe some, you know, people have smelly digs and shit like that. But, you know, overall, you know, not long term smelly digs. But overall,
Unknown Speaker 10:30
that's not been my experience. Like if I really was not attracted to someone, I would not be with them, especially in a relationship, right?
Unknown Speaker 10:42
I mean, and people might say to me, oh, you're a nice person, Vinnie. You're very, you're compassionate, unkind? Yes. And even though I'm those things, I still would not be with someone as an act of charity. You know, I'm not that kind. Because that's not kind, you know, but
Unknown Speaker 11:01
that's just not gonna happen. And you know, who I'm attracted to is very complicated, because in regards to I'm always kind of saying, Well, why why is it that I might have a preference for this or that or why is it? So it's
Unknown Speaker 11:15
basically I'm attracted to a lot of people whose what I'm saying is that, you know, I think there's a lot of people who are attractive, right, and that I want to be with.
Unknown Speaker 11:23
So, anyway,
Unknown Speaker 11:26
next, ooh, what a good post podcast topic. I 100% relate, I trust Him and believe he is telling me the truth, his truth, but I can't comprehend how he could really find me attractive. Slash be attracted to me. There is disbelief and shame wrapped up in the idea and feeling of unworthiness, or of being unbelievably unbelievably, quote, Lucky. Like, I don't deserve having someone to be attracted to my fat body. Sad face. years. That's how most of my life I felt like, wow, I'm with such a, you know, I'm so lucky to be this person who will be with me, despite my fat body versus be with me, because I'm a fucking smoke show. You know, like, Whoa, this is a real keeper. And they're all times they had really ship personalities. But I'd be like, well, you know,
Unknown Speaker 12:22
we're not gonna get anyone else who's gonna want to have sex with me. And I look back and I'm like, Excuse me? Can you see you or two people would just kill to be in bed with you, and treat you like an absolute
Unknown Speaker 12:37
diamond are really, these people are bozos that you're with, you know, the people have a bad personality. Okay, so next person, I have this idea that my partner is only attracted to one type of body fit, curvy in the right places, right in quotations. No, Sally and I nobody here and I have such a hard time believing him when he says he's attracted to me. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 13:02
Just as an aside thing.
Unknown Speaker 13:05
The ideas of who is heralded as attractive a lot of times it's pre pubescent bodies, you know exactly like this. No cellulite. Nobody here fit curvy in the right places. Right? So it's a young body. It's a it's a normal times it's a child's body. And
Unknown Speaker 13:27
that's fine.
Unknown Speaker 13:29
That is Caribbean.
Unknown Speaker 13:33
And not saying that this person's you know, their part they believe that that's what their partner is instructed to and there's a reason why is because those types of bodies are
Unknown Speaker 13:44
heralded by society as the most attractive but it's I think it's really fucking creepy.
Unknown Speaker 13:52
And we're continuing I think this comes from media telling me that there are very few ways to have a beautiful body yes by society standard, yours is very deeply rooted for me, I just don't believe that he could find me attractive even when he shows it and professors it Yes. And you know what, like, it's, it's really
Unknown Speaker 14:16
illustrates to me, it's like we've almost we're looking at two different things, right? You're looking at your body and, and you're your partner is looking at your body. And it's almost like they're seeing different things, you know.
Unknown Speaker 14:32
And it's because you're wearing this pair of glasses, this pair of nasty glasses, which is anti fat bias. deeply, deeply. Solid, have it your face, right?
Unknown Speaker 14:51
They, they're no wonder glasses. They've turned into eyeballs for you. You know, it's really impossible to take them off. Not impossible, but very difficult and to see
Unknown Speaker 15:00
The reality and the reality is this, you know, awesome human being that
Unknown Speaker 15:06
has a body that someone worships and wants to be with, but
Unknown Speaker 15:12
fatphobia has tainted the way that you view your body
Unknown Speaker 15:17
and human bodies in general.
Unknown Speaker 15:21
So we need to get that pair of glasses and, you know, rip your eyeballs out or whatever, you might not have eyeballs. But if you do, but you know, this is this isn't an allergy, and put them in the banner, get rid of that stuff. And so what it is is unlearning.
Unknown Speaker 15:39
fatphobia, right? And seeing the beauty in bodies that look just like you. The thing is, a lot of times we don't see fat bodies, sexualized and when we do often the fetishized, which is a lot of times dehumanizing for people. And so we have versions of sexuality with fat bodies, which is not sexuality that feels comfortable because it is making people feel like not hold humans when they're fetishized.
Unknown Speaker 16:18
So, but there is many examples of fat bodies
Unknown Speaker 16:25
being presented as sensual and sexy and beautiful. And all of the things that we're not used to seeing them being presented as. And we need to be seeking out these images, we need to be seeking out the stories, we need to be looking for that evidence that that tells your brain
Unknown Speaker 16:46
maybe the way that you're viewing your body is a bit influenced by a shit ton of fat hay. And it is right is you if you have a brain, you can't escape that. So
Unknown Speaker 17:00
another person says, Yes, I had a previous longtime partner who was horrible, constant body shaming, loser reaction smashed his desire because of how I looked. I have a lot of internal fatphobia and working on for myself, but these comments are so hard to let go. I now have an amazing partner who has never seen me at my smallest is with me at my largest, and has so much desire for desire for this. When I have my meltdowns, he constantly and consistently validates and says how much he enjoys me for me. And it's not even a thought in his brain. For me, I do think it's repeating these words as I do the internal work to get comfortable with my body. I still have fear and shame, but it is easier to work through with the positive reinforcement. Yes, yes. And that's the thing is, sometimes a lot of times we are met with people who have been abusive to us, this person saying
Unknown Speaker 18:10
her previous longtime partner was body shaming, and would lose erections desire desires because of how I looked.
Unknown Speaker 18:19
Wow, that's really difficult.
Unknown Speaker 18:23
And that's
Unknown Speaker 18:26
that's fucked up. I'm mad at this, this person, I'm mad at this person for, for doing that to you. And, and I've had that experience to not my first boyfriend who was
Unknown Speaker 18:38
abusive. I think I've mentioned him a couple of podcasts ago. Anyway, there's a whole thing on there's a whole two episode thing on my abusive partner too, if you want if you want all the JCG details. Anyway, I was 17 he was 30 he was a giant curry Corrib.
Unknown Speaker 18:57
And he would say to me, Why do your breasts look like that?
Unknown Speaker 19:04
Why are they he wouldn't use a word saggy, but he would compare them to other things. And why does your body look like that? Have you had a baby? Why have you got so many stretch marks I
Unknown Speaker 19:20
had stretch marks because I was in a pubescent body. And my body was growing because I was a child.
Unknown Speaker 19:29
And stretch marks are a normal
Unknown Speaker 19:32
way to have a body anyway.
Unknown Speaker 19:36
And when I heard these things, these were just a reinforcement of
Unknown Speaker 19:46
of what I already believe about my body. And so I was like, Well, you know, of course he's going to complain about my breasts not looking like a porn stars. Because he has the right to be with someone who has
Unknown Speaker 20:00
looks and acts like a porn star.
Unknown Speaker 20:03
He was abusive, deeply, deeply, deeply abusive in almost every way that you can be abusive. He also
Unknown Speaker 20:12
put me on a I say diet, but basically starved me to lose weight control what I ate everything. So
Unknown Speaker 20:23
he was a awful person, right? And so him saying,
Unknown Speaker 20:29
Why do you look like this?
Unknown Speaker 20:32
Some of the things really stuck. The the stretch mark thing, I was just like, you know, what's not got to do with anything because I don't I hadn't had a lot of,
Unknown Speaker 20:44
hey, stretch marks or bad media in my head, I had had a lot of tips need to look like this, because I'd watch those, you know, those, those those those programs where people would go to Ibiza and they'd go to, you know, on vacation to Spain or whatever, and then they'd get their tits out. And I was always like that. So that is a rite of passage passage. If you have breasts, you need to be on a TV show, where you lift your top up and show your breast or people and I was terrified that day coming because I was like, I don't want to, but I have to because that's what you do if you're on a night out.
Unknown Speaker 21:27
I remember at one point, I was like, Oh, I'm not gonna I'm just not going to do it and see how that goes. I didn't even know that I could, you know, I was like, I'm such a rebel by not showing my tips to people. So far. So, oh, boy, young Vinny. I'm so worried about it.
Unknown Speaker 21:43
Yeah, so I had that in my mind that my tests weren't the right way weren't the quote and you know, I say right way they will fucking amazing, perfect. They are like, just normal human. Ted's you know? And, and now, I could not even talk about that. That was so shameful for me. That was so shameful for me to think that I had these hidden. Not only you know,
Unknown Speaker 22:10
I could be decent enough to have good tips if I was fat, you know? Now I'm like, who doesn't have saggy tears? I mean, really? Like, I know that I know that they exist.
Unknown Speaker 22:22
I mean, I think I'd love to see some sort of stat on like, breast donors. How many what percentage of them are not this porn star tip? Um, I bet yeah. Like 90% of breast owners don't have the porn star tips.
Unknown Speaker 22:39
And there's nothing wrong with porn star tears, but I just think it's just a very normal way to have breasts that are you know, saggy and wonky and inverted nipples and
Unknown Speaker 22:52
I know has hairs on them and etc, etc, etc, right? Because that's just normal body.
Unknown Speaker 22:59
And for spouses or partners to expect you to be walking out of the Playboy house onto their lap is deep misogyny. Right. But we, we have a and I had that we have to be this is unbelievable, while also living our lives, right, all the other things that we need to do.
Unknown Speaker 23:26
Okay, so
Unknown Speaker 23:30
continuing, new person who says even though my partner is very reassuring, I sometimes feel like he and other people love me, but only tolerate that I'm in a fat body.
Unknown Speaker 23:41
He has assured me that this is not the case, and has been very gentle and caring towards my body through throughout its many changes. Still, I feel like the most experiences I've had were with people who are the despised or fetishized my fat body? So it's hard for me to believe that my partner is neither of those. Yeah, yes. And when you are with someone who is just
Unknown Speaker 24:07
a normal human, you know, and I don't want to say they're nice, but that's just how you treat humans, if you're not a decade is just to be like, Hey, I like you. And so it's it can be hard when you've got that information, even if you've not been with someone else before. But society is telling you, your body is bad. And then you've got someone saying no, I like it. And in fact, I think it's great. In fact, I want to have sex with you, you know, all this type of stuff. I mean, shit wouldn't even like any
Unknown Speaker 24:37
sounds like you're fucking lying to me, or sounds like that you are the kindest person that has ever walked this earth. And actually, this is your act of charity for the year is to fuck me. You know, at the end of the year when you're doing your taxes, you're like, yeah, actually, I did. I did do this, but this charity work. There was this girl
Unknown Speaker 25:00
And I had sex with her and actually I had a year we're in a longtime relationship. I'm fucking married her, you have I find the, the body repulsive or not attractive at all. But because I am such a nice, kind, charitable person, I'm going to date them. Their personalities. All right, I guess I'm going to date them.
Unknown Speaker 25:27
I don't think that is as realistic as maybe what our brains are telling us that we just happen to stumble upon this. This person who sees us as this charity case, that's gonna plug their nose be with us, despite our disgusting bodies. I mean, I just, I just, I'm would you do? Would you? I mean,
Unknown Speaker 25:57
hope
Unknown Speaker 26:00
I'm a nice person, you know, it's just not realistic. And because I'm a nice person, I wouldn't do that to someone. That's fucked up.
Unknown Speaker 26:09
Okay, so before counseling, I was often questioning my relationship and worried my partner was cheating. He would reassure me and often tell me specific things he loved about me. I felt very bad about myself would constantly tell him I'd lose weight. I would not eat exercise too much he would tell me to eat and that he loved me for me. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 26:30
Yes. And so that person went to counseling to, to help them them.
Unknown Speaker 26:37
Yeah, I vowed to a partner or I would lose weight and become better for them. It was only after he confessed to me that he was less attracted to me because I had put on weight.
Unknown Speaker 26:48
Have a whole episode about that? If that is your situation, by the way, that is fucked up and appropriate and should not have happened. That was a him problem. Not me problem.
Unknown Speaker 27:00
Okay, so next person? Yes, all the time. I always think that I am pretty confident and body positive. But then I am so sensitive to what my husband thinks and feels about me. Never once Has he made a comment about me needing to change. Or he doesn't like the way I look or anything negative about my weight. I have no idea why I feel this way towards him. And it's not like he's doing anything else passive aggressive, like, Hey, don't eat that or anything like that. I often ask if he likes me, or if he finds me attractive. And at times I get really upset, anxious, depressed about him. He's reassured me so many times that he thinks I'm beautiful. And I'm attractive. And he wants to be with me. But I still have those thoughts. It's so strange married for six years, these thoughts are less and less frequent. But at one point, they were really awful. I think a part of my doubts is was one is what was my spouse's first partner is I was my spouse's first partner. I have no one else to compare myself to if he had dated someone plus size, maybe I would.
Unknown Speaker 28:05
thing is though,
Unknown Speaker 28:08
I would have a big one on comparing myself to two previous partners. Oh, that I use. I used to be like, Wow, now, at least I've got this and she doesn't have that. But you know, she might have been thinner, but
Unknown Speaker 28:24
I'm just feeling so desperately sad about it.
Unknown Speaker 28:29
Even if your spouse had dated someone who was also plus sized?
Unknown Speaker 28:37
Would that do it? Like would that be like kind of problem solved? And oh, I feel great. Now, it might help. Yeah, maybe not. Maybe they will. Maybe they will plus size but they were thinner. Maybe they're plus size, but they have some other attributes that you you're, you're, you know, anxious about so for me, because I'm tall five, seven I've often dreamed about if I can only be short, I dreamed about being 5252 was the perfect size. I believed nothing wrong with being five, two, of course, but I really thought that that was a pinnacle of perfect female height. And so saw myself as this monster. And so say if my spouse had dated a fat person before, but they were five, two, I'd be like, well, it doesn't count. But they were fat because I was sure and so that means that they were more feminine. I'm a monster, you know.
Unknown Speaker 29:30
But now I look at it like oh, five, two. Yeah, that's cute. And also five, seven that statue X just asked us that's like, Goddess that's like, you know, interesting.
Unknown Speaker 29:44
And so is five two and so is 512 512 Six foot, you know, all of these things that he's just like, interesting. Like, for me, different bodies are just, you know, interesting in different ways. Same way as you might like, having an apple but you also might like having a banana
Unknown Speaker 30:00
Oh no, it doesn't mean that the banana is bad because one day you choose the apples, you know, that's what how my how I feel about these things.
Unknown Speaker 30:08
Okay, so we've got some little comments here, someone said, you know, last question, could could they do anything to help? Could you? Could your partners do anything to help? Someone said yes, initiating sex would help? Not sure. I'd be convinced by words. Yeah, hey, that's the thing. So one of my partner's one of my longtime partners, he had the maybe middle of our relationship, many year relationship, he just started just started not wanting to have sex as much. And by the end, it was always me initiating, he would always be like,
Unknown Speaker 30:43
I kind of don't have to type of thing.
Unknown Speaker 30:46
Just really made me feel like he was not into me at all. And so, yeah, if my head spouse at that time had initiated sex, and that might have been very helpful for me.
Unknown Speaker 30:59
But I was internalizing that making it about me. Really, it was about him. It was about him.
Unknown Speaker 31:09
suffering with or living with anxiety, and depression, and an only boost stepping away, could I understand that it wasn't about me. Okay, next, I gained weight during the relationship and always feel like he mourns the old me, despite the fact that he tells me otherwise. And shows me otherwise often. Yeah, that's the thing. That's the thing is we, we always if we're going to be in a long term relationship, or if we're going to have sex with people, as we get older, we're going to have to deal with this, the fact that then there was a time where we were younger, there might have been a time where we were thinner. And our social status because of that, in society's eyes, not in everyone's eyes, is diminished.
Unknown Speaker 31:57
For me, I think aging is a is an incredible privilege. And it shows that I had had all of these years of wisdom and experience, and I'm thankful for it, a lot of people don't get to age.
Unknown Speaker 32:10
And,
Unknown Speaker 32:12
and if someone else, if a spouse or partner of mine didn't think that I relate. Shame on you, you know, like, shame that you can't feel that not shame on you, but shame, you can't feel like that.
Unknown Speaker 32:24
Someone says, I don't think my partner could say anything to make me believe them. That's the thing, right? It's, it's, you know, ask yourself that question. Could your partner say anything to make you believe them? You know, could they write a sworn oath and testament that they, you know, wank over you every Thursday night? Like, would that make you believe them? Or is it something that needs to come from you?
Unknown Speaker 32:50
And sometimes it can be a mix of the both. Sometimes it can just come from them in their reinsurance. But what I see mostly is it it needs to come from us, which is so fucking annoying. Why can't we just tell someone to tell us that we are absolutely fucking gorgeous, and then it'd be fixed, right?
Unknown Speaker 33:09
Because you know, where there's all this, you know, someone saying, Hey, I think you're great. And we're just like, let me know.
Unknown Speaker 33:15
You're a lying piece of shit. I know that you're just saying that to be nice.
Unknown Speaker 33:20
Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 33:23
Someone else says he will say I love your fat ass, which I love. But I wonder. What about my belly? What about my fat belly?
Unknown Speaker 33:32
Yeah, I did until I stopped dating men. For some reason. I've often attracted fitness people. It's weird.
Unknown Speaker 33:41
He lives in a smaller body and criticizes himself often yet tells me he loves me as I am. It's hard to believe he sees beauty in my fatness or that it's acceptable if he vilifies himself or his body when I am so much larger. Yes. And here's the thing, right? How much can you resonate with this statement? I think other fat people are gorgeous, just not me.
Unknown Speaker 34:11
So many people will say yep, I can see the beauty in in fat bodies, not mine. Even if I have the exact same body, and it's because it's about you, right? And so I would, you know, it's unhelpful that he criticizes his himself and then says, oh, but a body that's bigger than mine. I really like you know, no wonder your brain is like, I don't believe you. In this instance, I would probably really tell him. Hey, it's not good for me when you criticize yourself or don't talk about my boyfriend like that. You're talking shit about my boyfriend and I really like him, or whoever it is.
Unknown Speaker 34:52
Okay, next I have a hard time believing that my partner actually loves my fat body. Everyone else seems to have a problem with my fat body. He magically
Unknown Speaker 35:00
doesn't? Yes. And the thing is
Unknown Speaker 35:06
everyone else has a problem with my fat body.
Unknown Speaker 35:11
In four straight people, frustrate people 25% of men will date a fat woman.
Unknown Speaker 35:23
So it feels like everyone else has a problem with fatness. And this is straight stats, right? But actually
Unknown Speaker 35:35
25% of people don't have a problem with farmers. And 25% sucks. It should be 100%. Right? But still 25% of people
Unknown Speaker 35:49
is a lot of people, right? How many people we've got in the world right now? 8 billion. Let's just say let's just make it 4 billion.
Unknown Speaker 35:59
You know, people who were who are queer, who don't want to be with
Unknown Speaker 36:04
straight women, let's just say 4 billion. That means that theoretically, then 1 billion people want to be with you.
Unknown Speaker 36:12
1 billion. Can you handle that? 1 billion decks coming out? Yeah. I mean, I do like me some penises, but I'm not sure I can handle 1 billion, maybe a million, but not a billion. And yes, yeah, we can cut it down and say Lella people not in the right age bracket not in the same country lead it is even 100,000 Let's just go absolutely tiny, tiny numbers here. 100,000 people really want to be with you would love a night in heaven with you would love a long term relationship with you. 100,000.
Unknown Speaker 36:48
Sounds good to me. But it can feel like no.
Unknown Speaker 36:55
And then when we find someone who was like, You're fucking amazing.
Unknown Speaker 37:00
What's wrong with them? Why are they why are they saying that when no one else is agreeing with them? It just happens to be that maybe we've had experiences with people who were in the 75% bracket
Unknown Speaker 37:17
Okay, yeah, I experiences hubby says he loves my bum and curves. But really?
Unknown Speaker 37:24
Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 37:26
Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 37:29
There is nothing my partner can say to make me believe him. But his actions can and they do.
Unknown Speaker 37:38
Oh, someone says my insecurities are the reason I think he doesn't love my body. Not anything he says. Or does Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 37:49
I have experienced this before I was in counseling, I would often worried that my partner would cheat. Yeah, I would always be worried that my partner was going to cheat.
Unknown Speaker 37:58
So I did a poll
Unknown Speaker 38:01
of two to say what percentage of people are feeling like this? And so what percentage of people do you think that your pet spouse or partners are not attracted to your fat body? Even when you when they tell you you are they are
Unknown Speaker 38:15
65% said yes.
Unknown Speaker 38:19
24% said sometimes an 11% said no. So
Unknown Speaker 38:25
90% of people feel like that, at some some point in their life.
Unknown Speaker 38:33
So I'm going to show you from the other perspective, right. So we've heard a lot of folks saying how they feel on the on to be on the end of I don't feel like my spouse is attracted to me. But I want to read to you some
Unknown Speaker 38:47
advice columns, from people who are on the other side. The people who
Unknown Speaker 38:56
have a spouse that doesn't think that they're attractive.
Unknown Speaker 39:00
Okay, so
Unknown Speaker 39:04
this one says, My wife doesn't believe me. So I don't know how to convince her. Okay, so first marriage disaster together. 20 plus for the kid kids and never cheated, and I never cheated. I didn't find her attractive because of her narcissistic personality and the verbal and physical abuse didn't help at all. Second marriage, six plus, I think years. She's amazing. I'm in love, and I'm happy. She's perfect for me very few complaints.
Unknown Speaker 39:38
So here's the thing. My wife absolutely insists that since I'm a man, and that because of normal sexual urges, I must find other women attractive and desirable. She insists that this is just how it is. We have these discussions and she thinks that I'm lying. I insist that I'm being truthful, but she doesn't buy it.
Unknown Speaker 40:00
So I'm confused.
Unknown Speaker 40:02
So here's the thing. I literally find other women attractive. I don't watch porn. I don't OGL other women. I don't knowingly or willfully flirt. No, I do. Nor do I sneak peeks. I grew up with many older sisters who weren't always so nice to me, my first wife, she was abusive. I'm not really impressed with the sexual female. Don't know what that means. But I like the idea of the body parts. I'm not gay at all.
Unknown Speaker 40:29
I just think that other women just think of other women as fellow humans. I find my wife irresistible. She turns me on like a furnace. Every day, I'm more attracted to her. She says she's not sexy. She says she needs to lose weight, yada, yada, yada. She dresses for a shower, and I can't stop staring at her. She's perfect. She calls herself disgusting. She says, I don't know how you can look at this. And I don't know how you're with me, she totally doesn't see the erection under the covers. Just when I think about her or see her naked. I love who she is as a person. And that makes her incredibly sexy. Our relations are fantastic. We both finish our encounters having reached the pinnacle every time. We are so different in many ways, but she is my soulmate. So am I crazy? Is this normal? Or is she right? Am I supposed to have some sexual stirring from seeing other women? Because I literally find nobody else sexually attractive. Am I crazy? So here's here's kind of like a double thing of, she doesn't believe him. And also he's not having attraction to other people. And people in the chat, were saying, sounds like you've got some some trauma from your abusive relationship, and you're not so great sisters. And also sounds like you're demisexual. So demisexual is someone who has a sexual attraction to someone only when they get to know them, when they have an emotional connection. I'd say I'm pretty kind of, you know, Demi, like, I can visually see people are attractive, but I'm not attracted to them until I know, their personality. I think that's pretty common, right? But I guess this person is more kind of very, maybe on the other other end of the spectrum, right? And also the wife doesn't seem to believe him. And he's like, trying to hide his erection. And she's just like, and I tried to, you know, wash her badge in the shower. So he's, like, really attracted to her and they've been married for six years.
Unknown Speaker 42:29
Okay.
Unknown Speaker 42:31
This person says, I told her she's beautiful, but she doesn't believe me what is wrong? There's a girl that I would like to date. I told her that she's beautiful and very cute. But then she replies, No, I'm not beautiful. I'm fat. And he says, I like girls with a bit of meat every time I make a compliment about her, she doesn't accept it. Is it because she's not interested in me. So this person is like, oh, there's something wrong with me because she doesn't believe me, because clearly she's beautiful. Okay, so, next one, my girlfriend doesn't believe me when I call her beautiful. We've been dating for a year and a half now, and we're very happy in our relationship. But something I've noticed is that she never takes my compliments seriously, not in the sense of that she thinks is a joke. But she doesn't think that she's beautiful. She sends me pictures, long distance, distance relationship. And each time my heart flutters. I tell her she's gorgeous. And she's beautiful and alluring along with more provocative compliments, but she always says that she wants to do better for me. I'm flattered at that, at that. But I want her to know that I'm not asking her to change. I find her beautiful and attractive just as she is. She comes from a family that degrades or constantly calls her fat or too dark. When I look at her, I'm in awe of her beauty. only hope, wish and pray that she will come to see herself as I do, and that she will eventually see how wrong her parents were. Yeah. And people are like, You need to tell her that it's it's a pet peeve that she does that.
Unknown Speaker 44:06
My partner thinks they're ugly. My 21 male partner 24 non binary, thinks they have an ugly face. And it's just not true. They are the most beautiful and elegant person I know. And it breaks my heart that they think so little of themselves. They even want to get plastic surgery to make their face better looking. And it puts a huge financial burden on them. They're working a job they don't really like and are terrified of losing it because it mean that their surgery plan is in jeopardy. I know that they really want to have surgery, there's nothing I can do except for support them. So how can I get them to feel more beautiful? I feel like my words don't mean anything anymore, and I don't want them to feel shitty. Thanks for the help. So people are saying there's nothing you can say. Maybe ask them to go to a therapist to see if that might help them. And finally, my boyfriend says he's ugly.
Unknown Speaker 44:59
So it's not
Unknown Speaker 45:00
Just a woman thing, right? Sometimes my boyfriend tells me how he thinks he's ugly.
Unknown Speaker 45:05
Now he doesn't have the most attractive face ever. But I'm, I'm sure it wouldn't be considered ugly. But I love his face. I can spend hours just looking at it and every glance at it just fills me up with the most warm, fuzzy happy feeling ever. I could never truthfully say that I think he's ugly. I assume that he's not but I just don't know what else to say. So those posts I really wanted to show those because it kind of shows what the other person is going through when someone is your King there. Yeah, so I don't know if you know this phrase. If you don't yucking someone's yum is something we want to avoid. And it's it's saying yuck when they say I find this yummy, so we can we can you know, relate it to food. So someone's eating a cheese toastie, and someone else says, oh, that's disgusting. How can you eat cheese? toastie? That's gross. Melted cheese is horrible. Makes me sick. Oh, that's so gross. That's inappropriate, right? You'd be like, Fuck Off with you. I like this cheese toasted go away, you know, so we don't want to yuck people Xiamen, it's a phrase that extends to other things, too. You know, someone says I'm really into, I don't know, Batman, and you think Batman is the worst? Man superhero or whatever. You don't want to do you don't want to be like, you have got a terrible taste in superheroes. Batman is the worst. And you should be embarrassed that you like Batman. And it's the same with
Unknown Speaker 46:35
we're jacking people's young when when we say no, I'm not attractive. You're wrong. How could you be attracted to me? How is that possible? That's a yukking there. Yeah, man, you know what yucking the yum does? It is a barrier to building connection.
Unknown Speaker 46:57
And of course, we're not probably saying, fuck you, you're a piece of shit. Because you find me attractive, right? It's not like that. But still, it can be very frustrating for the person who's on the on the receiving end.
Unknown Speaker 47:10
Right? So we don't want a young someone's Young. Also, are we giving the message that that your partner is deceptive and untrustworthy. You're potentially telling your partner that they're lying to you, you don't trust their words.
Unknown Speaker 47:28
Maybe it's not what's happening. But a lot of people said I believe them, but they think that I'm attractive. I just don't think it. And
Unknown Speaker 47:38
that's great. That's great. If we're at the stage where we believe that they think that we're attractive.
Unknown Speaker 47:44
You just can't see it, then that's great, because then we can move on to okay, what what can we do to make this feeling feel better? So
Unknown Speaker 47:56
is your spouse
Unknown Speaker 48:00
really buying into beauty ideals? Right? Is your is your partner, the type of person who is all here? Who is like, oh, that woman over there are so attractive? And oh, I really want to have sex with this person. Oh, Lola,
Unknown Speaker 48:14
well, then we can have a conversation with her. You know, when you say that, that's really kind of unhelpful for me and my body image and self esteem? Can you maybe not?
Unknown Speaker 48:28
Can you
Unknown Speaker 48:30
say, okay, a lot of people will say, you know, what are we going to say, What's your type?
Unknown Speaker 48:35
If your partner says, Well, you, great, you probably know, you're never even going to remember that. Right? But if they say someone who is not you, or somebody who has an attribute, which is not like you yet that is going to be branded onto your brain. And then anytime you see that type of person, you're like, Oh, my God, my spouse, and my partner is really gonna, like want to be with them. And they think that my whatever is bad.
Unknown Speaker 49:01
That's something that I think that you could be talking to your your partner about going to therapy, journaling about.
Unknown Speaker 49:11
Because it feels like that's something that's really sticky for a lot of people.
Unknown Speaker 49:16
And in the future, I you know, I'm not interviewing, like,
Unknown Speaker 49:21
who's your type? Or What celebrity do you want to be with? Because I just know it's a risky thing, you know, for some sneaky little thing to come into my head later, when if I'm having a bad body image day and be like, ooh, your spouse is attracted to share and you're not share you know?
Unknown Speaker 49:43
So, so we've got three scenarios here, three main scenarios of who you're potentially with and not believing them. Okay? So three scenarios. The first scenario is that your spouse is lying to you, and is actually not attracted to you
Unknown Speaker 50:00
Is seeing you as a charity project, and is deeply unattractive to you.
Unknown Speaker 50:06
So they are really kind, but they pity you. And they commit their life to being with you and dating a horrible troll you who lives under a bridge, or they're so deeply unkind, that they are with you for your millions of dollars and other benefits, right? So the scenario one is that they're lying to you. And they're lying to you, because they are very, very kind and you're their charity project, or they're lying to you because they're very, very unkind, and they want to steal money from you.
Unknown Speaker 50:43
Chances of that being reality,
Unknown Speaker 50:47
not zero.
Unknown Speaker 50:49
Could happen.
Unknown Speaker 50:51
Especially that if you're a millionaire, chances are that's happening right now.
Unknown Speaker 50:59
Probably not very high, right? Really, really. And if you're, if you're moving, that you're out, you're your partner is with you, because they see you as a kind of charity project, or they're with you because you're a millionaire, then maybe it's really a good time to end that relationship. So if that's the first scenario, the property rivaIry unrealistic. The next scenario is the one that's going to be
Unknown Speaker 51:26
what a lot of people are saying is that they're just being truthful. They're attracted to you, they love you, they care for you, they think that you're really damn sexy. They want you to know it, and they're frustrated, or upset, or upset or hopeful that you can feel it yourself. They're like, they might not be, you know, sad about that. You don't feel it, but they do. They like you. If that's the case, then we know that the problem is the beliefs that we are holding. And it's not your fault that you have those beliefs, it would be fucking weird if you didn't, because we live in a society that tells us we need to be young, thin, white, non disabled.
Unknown Speaker 52:13
You know, there's unrealistic version of a human being, right. So that that goes to show that we've got work here to unlearn anti fat bias.
Unknown Speaker 52:24
Okay, and a great place to start is your social media. Who are you following? What images are going into your brain? What shows you're watching? Etc, etc. How are you training your brain to show your brain? That fatness is fucking amazing? How are you training your brain to show it that thinness and whiteness and youngness and non disabled cisgender straight, all that type of stuff is the default.
Unknown Speaker 52:53
Okay, we need to be training our brains to show our brains who humans are what humans look like.
Unknown Speaker 53:02
Okay, so the first scenario is you're you're dating someone who's lying. The second site scenario is you're dating someone who's attracted to you.
Unknown Speaker 53:10
And that's just it, you're gonna have to just deal with it. Okay, someone thinks that you're a smoke show. Okay, so you just have to do the work on your side, right? The third scenario, which is probably
Unknown Speaker 53:24
the more nuanced where more people might fall
Unknown Speaker 53:29
is that you're dating an imperfect human being who is affected by beauty ideals, who is affected by toxic toxic masculinity by misogyny by, by fat phobia by anti trans rhetoric by all of those things, right?
Unknown Speaker 53:46
who maybe has said something to you in the past? Or maybe watches on on a porn and you know, they do and porn, which is very kind of thin and white, maybe they have depression, maybe they are asexual or on the spectrum.
Unknown Speaker 54:03
Maybe they're demisexual, maybe they're tired, maybe they're not bothered. Maybe they need to go to therapy. So maybe they're a complex human being. And there's a range here, right? So when I say maybe they're not bothered, that might be you know, if they're not bothered by showing you that they're attracted to you and wanting to be in a relationship with you, and all that type of stuff. That might be a clue that this might not be the best relationship, you're not going to have your needs met.
Unknown Speaker 54:34
Or, you know, on the other side of things, is something to do with them. Say for example, they're discovering that they might be on the asexual spectrum, or ACE, and then that's a case of okay, well, we've got these discoveries. It's not about me, it's about them. So how am I need is going to be met? You know, am I is does that work for me? Or, you know, do I need to open the relationship up or, or have a different relationship or do I need to get a buddy or
Unknown Speaker 55:00
Whatever you know, and and then I think everywhere on this spectrum is going to be the affected by beauty ideals. And so what is your spouse doing to unlearn that stuff? What is your partner doing to not contribute towards bigotry? Are they committed to to bigotry? So the types of who are committed to bigotry, other types who are like, you need to lose weight. Those are those are the people who are committed to bigotry, because that should not happen. They need to be examining their anti fat bias, their health ism, their ableism, all that type of stuff, right?
Unknown Speaker 55:37
And so if that happens, I say, I'm not attracted to you or whatever, then that's a them problem. It's not a you problem. They need to be doing the work.
Unknown Speaker 55:46
Do you want to be with someone who is not willing to do the work?
Unknown Speaker 55:50
Maybe you are, maybe you're not? If you are, how is that contributing towards the way that you're feeling?
Unknown Speaker 55:58
How is it contributing, when you're in a world that tells you that fatness is abhorrent and then go home to the place it's meant to be a safe space, a soft place to land, and you have the same message?
Unknown Speaker 56:10
Hopefully, that's not the case. For many people. Hopefully, we're more to the you know, your spouse is attracted to you, but you just don't believe them.
Unknown Speaker 56:20
Because if they're not attracted to you,
Unknown Speaker 56:23
I'll think they need to be going to the law.
Unknown Speaker 56:28
Okay, so here's to wrap up everything that we're talking about some questions to ask yourself, I'm going to make this the questions into a into a post so that you have it
Unknown Speaker 56:38
at hand. So questions to ask yourself around this. Are you yukking, they're young? Are you shaming them for being attracted to you, and trying to convince them that they are wrong?
Unknown Speaker 56:52
If that's the case,
Unknown Speaker 56:54
is kind of breaking down building relationship, it's creating barriers to built to building a deeper connection and relationship?
Unknown Speaker 57:03
Is it actually likely that your spouse is disgusted by you? And you are just as your and they are with you just as an act of charity?
Unknown Speaker 57:14
Is there something that they are doing that makes you feel the way that you're feeling? Can you address this? Can you ask them to do something different? Is there anything they can do or say to help you with this feeling?
Unknown Speaker 57:28
Does self acceptance have to come from within?
Unknown Speaker 57:34
If so, how can you work on this? And working on this could look like going to therapy it could look like listening to podcasts, it could be looked like doing first fatty Academy my program things like that.
Unknown Speaker 57:49
Does that self acceptance have to come from within? I think that's the big biggest thing right? is probably going to have to come from within annoying.
Unknown Speaker 58:00
Is your partner so deep in anti fat hate that they need to work on their own issues? If so, do you want to be with someone who is committed to your oppression?
Unknown Speaker 58:13
Does your body have a built in bigot to be get detected due to your size?
Unknown Speaker 58:20
Is that a helpful thing at all for you?
Unknown Speaker 58:24
So when I talk about that I'm talking about the fact that I'm lucky that I won't end up accidentally with someone who hates fat people, because they'll see my body and they'll say, Oh no, I hate fat people. Let's go and find me a thin person.
Unknown Speaker 58:39
Which is wonderful. Love it. But because I'm white, I might accidentally end up with a racist. I might accidentally end up with someone who is a loyalist or you know, etc, right? But I'm probably not going to end up with someone who is a trans for you because I'm non binary.
Unknown Speaker 58:56
With shades, right, because we're all racists. We're all you know, we're all bigots, right.
Unknown Speaker 59:02
But if I had a thin body, and then I became fat in the relationship, that's difficult because then you could discover that you were the fat foe when you didn't realize before.
Unknown Speaker 59:15
So, if that's the case,
Unknown Speaker 59:19
do you want to deal with that with that BS? If they're putting it on you?
Unknown Speaker 59:25
Do you want to help them through unlearning? That anti fat bias
Unknown Speaker 59:30
and by the way, anti fat bias is not a sexual preference that we should should accept.
Unknown Speaker 59:37
Are you accepting it?
Unknown Speaker 59:39
Right? You cannot possibly say I will never be attracted to any fat person on the planet ever. That's just ridiculous, right? It's ridiculous. There's not true. Really ever there's no possibility there's any fat person that's attractive. No. So you know
Unknown Speaker 1:00:00
A fat phobia is not a secret. It's not a it's not a sexual preference
Unknown Speaker 1:00:10
so
Unknown Speaker 1:00:13
in conclusion,
Unknown Speaker 1:00:17
I think that if we're not already doing this,
Unknown Speaker 1:00:22
we need to cut out the
Unknown Speaker 1:00:25
I don't believe you you're, you know, how can you find me attractive or I'm so ugly, or I'm so fat or my belly. So yuck or whatever. I think we need to that's, I think I feel like that's an automatic, you know, words that come out of our mouth all the time. But I think we need to try and stop saying those things. And start just saying, Thank you.
Unknown Speaker 1:00:52
And
Unknown Speaker 1:00:55
learn all that anti fat bias that we have lurking in our brains.
Unknown Speaker 1:01:00
And just as an example of
Unknown Speaker 1:01:05
what that looks like, so So now I've done many years of this work right. Before I was a raging fat phobe, right I would date really inappropriate people who were who were abusive, who,
Unknown Speaker 1:01:19
who were not kind to me, and I would basically try and be a porn star for them.
Unknown Speaker 1:01:27
I would fake orgasms like all the time.
Unknown Speaker 1:01:32
I would be going to like six classes to learn how to be the best blow job giver or handjob giver ever to make up for my fatness, right? I would not expect them to be showering me with compliments.
Unknown Speaker 1:01:51
And would be sad when it didn't happen.
Unknown Speaker 1:01:54
One of my exes, he'd always just say, you look good. And I was like, huh, thanks.
Unknown Speaker 1:02:03
Oh, no, no, no, he wouldn't say Good. He'd say You look fine. You look fine. Like I'd come down from you know, for a night out, but like, you know, here's my you know, me and my my nice nice dress and heels and makeup and hair and need say You look fine. And, and I would always be like, that's tough. Anyway. So that would be my life. I'd be just constantly trying to make up for fatness. If a partner did say they were attracted to me, I'd always be like, they're lying. They're secretly attracted to other people. They once told me that that they were attracted to this type of person. That's not me. So clearly, they're they're settling for me. For whatever reason. Now, you know what, just before this podcast, I put on some put on some lippy some, some mascara, because I like to, not because I don't feel good. It's just because that makes me feel good.
Unknown Speaker 1:03:00
And
Unknown Speaker 1:03:03
I looked in the mirror, and I was like, Oh, you look so good. Oh, my God. And I sat down and I was like, oh, yeah, that's really nice. Like, and that happens quite often. I mean,
Unknown Speaker 1:03:15
isn't going to happen overnight for a lot of people that they're gonna often say to themselves, Oh, I look really good in the mirror. And think about, oh, if someone had their hands on this bum right now, they'd be like, Oh, if someone got to hold these tips, they'd be like, Oh my god, I'm in heaven. You know, that's what I'm thinking is that
Unknown Speaker 1:03:35
the people who get to be with me, I'm really fucking lucky. Not because I've got a great personality.
Unknown Speaker 1:03:42
But because I've got a great personality, and a human body, which is visually interesting, and sexy, and soft, and wonderful and
Unknown Speaker 1:03:57
worthy.
Unknown Speaker 1:03:59
You know?
Unknown Speaker 1:04:01
And I too, am deliriously happy to be with them in bed with them, getting to touch their body, their imperfect body, like my imperfect body, and exploring it and discovering it. And, and I'm not thinking Ooh, look at this, whatever I'm thinking, What luck I have, that someone trusts me enough to be in this vulnerable state with me.
Unknown Speaker 1:04:30
And we get to explore each other.
Unknown Speaker 1:04:34
And I'm going to trust them that they want to be here. And I'm going to trust that if they don't want to be here, they're gonna say it and not be with me versus lie to me. I'm just gonna have to accept their word, which can be tough, but now you know, now I'm just like, well, if you know some people aren't attracted to me, they're wrong. But
Unknown Speaker 1:04:58
you know, I just think you know, it's it's fun.
Unknown Speaker 1:05:00
It didn't mean anything about me it just means that there's many colors in the rainbow. And, you know, some people I just think, you know, the you know, not even Sam a lot of people would just be like, fuck yeah, I get to go go and be with Vinnie, I get to go on a date with them, I get to have sex with them. Shit, that's, that's so cool. And someone is going to be like that with you and not even someone, many people and more more likely than not the person that you're with. And that's really cool. That's really really awesome and exciting. I'm jealous because I don't have a partner I do. And I really want a partner.
Unknown Speaker 1:05:35
Yeah, so. So if if you think they are lying, then you know, that sounds like an issue that you maybe we need to end a relationship.
Unknown Speaker 1:05:45
If they are committed to being,
Unknown Speaker 1:05:49
you know, anti anti fat, hate stuff. And then that doesn't sound great. But if they're telling you that they think that you're attractive, we just got to believe them. If you think that they're being truthful, and then work our on our own ship, and also expect that it's going to take time, and remember that you're just a fucking incredible human. You're alive and amazing. And
Unknown Speaker 1:06:17
I was talking to someone on the phone to a client on the phone. And they said, they have this t shirt because
Unknown Speaker 1:06:26
and I really want to get it. It says, I'm not just a mind. I'm a piece of meat. I was like shit that I need to get that. I'm not just a mind. I'm a piece of meat. Yeah. So what can we do to help you feel better about your body and other things that other things I'd forgot to mention, you can do things like boudoir photography, or Vivian McMaster has a course called Be your own beloved. It's like a course where you take photos of yourself in and you start small, like it's take photos of your toes, take photos of your shadow, take photos of your ear, you know, slowly building up and then you're going to be able to hopefully see the visually interesting aspects of your body and, and see your body in ways that maybe you hadn't seen it before. And these are, these are photos that are just for you, right, you don't need to post them anywhere, but you can if you want to. So that's very McMasters Be your own and beloved.
Unknown Speaker 1:07:25
There's also my program Facebook Academy also can go to therapy, you can also do things for free like listening to podcasts, I mean, shit what episode we are now 153 I've, if you if you binged all of my podcasts, how long would that take like a couple of weeks worth of continuous listening? I think that you'll probably feel a lot better. Because you're surrounding yourself with that with that positivity, right?
Unknown Speaker 1:07:54
And be very cognizant of how much you're surrounding yourself with normative bodies. And really, I cannot tell you how much this pub probably affects you. without you knowing it affects me. I've been watching that fog in
Unknown Speaker 1:08:12
the circle on Netflix. And it's not even about bikini babes or anything. But there's there's a lot of normative bodies. And that is triggering for me, someone who's been doing this work for years and that's something I notice I'm like okay, well I need to take a break from this okay, brain you're telling me and that's just what it is to live as a fat person in this society that tells us we need to be a certain way. Alright.
Unknown Speaker 1:08:37
Thank you for hanging
Unknown Speaker 1:08:40
out with me. Hey, by the way, guess what I just I've not really I've not really shared this anywhere, but I just set up a ko fi org No, Kofi, Kofi. Kofi is like Patreon but Patreon takes tons of fees from the people who are on Patreon. So Kofi is a version of Patreon which is better for the Creator. And so if you want to say thank you for all of this free content, you can buy me a coffee on cofee.
Unknown Speaker 1:09:09
So you can chuck me five bucks to say thank you or you can subscribe. And if you subscribe for as little as five bucks a month you can get oh this thing so if I can get the size diversity resource guide it's oh my god, you need to get this okay, you need to get this if you listen to me. You need to get totally forgot I forgot about this. I was like, Oh yeah, science diversity resource guide. So if you go to my co fi, go to my go to the LinkedIn note the notes, the show notes, whatever, blah, blah, blah.
Unknown Speaker 1:09:44
And I will have a link for the kofi. You can get the science diversity Resource Guide which has its 37 pages and it has people to follow books to read TEDx talks, Facebook groups, private communities for fat people.
Unknown Speaker 1:10:00
Science places to shop.
Unknown Speaker 1:10:06
Podcasts. It is fucking amazing. Amazing. It is really good. Okay, listen, I'm telling you at five bucks go get it. Okay, just go get go. Listen If you struggle I'm telling you if you're like it all right, it's really good. I'm not tooting my own horn not what I don't deserve to toot my own horn because that's really good thing for a really really cheap price
Unknown Speaker 1:10:32
but yet anyway, my my I'm using my voice that's why I'm gonna go walk the Dougie thanks for hanging out with me today. Thank you for being a part of the first year community. Remember that you are worthy you always were and you always will be our car. Stay first fatty. So you know while alligator.