Episode 160 Transcript

Read the transcript alongside the audio.

You're listening to the Fierce Fatty podcast episode 160, How life changes after you discover fat liberation and anti-diet. The Good, the Bad, and the annoying let's do it.

Unknown Speaker 0:27

Hello, welcome to this episode first fatty and friends are first fatties. How are you doing? I am experiencing gender dysphoria. I don't know what that is. I'm cool. Bulgaria. I think it's a one bullet Wombles on gender dysphoria. Oh, oh, seven, nine. So I'm non binary, right? My pronouns are they them. And I've been growing my hair out. It's probably three inches long, maybe longer. Four inches, maybe. I had a shaved head. And I've had short hair for the last probably four years. Yeah, four or five years, shaved my head from having longer hair. Anyway, I've been growing my hair out. And I'm having feelings. It's still the under the under underneath is completely cut, like shaved. And so there's only hair on the top. But us has just like putting on clothes for this podcast. I can I just do it naked God on clothes with the podcast. And thank you did he did he's just trying to dig a hole underneath me. Oh, I didn't know I felt like I need some other non binary trans people to talk to about this because I'm newer. In this gender journey. I've only been out as non binary for I guess a couple of years a year something like that somewhere between a year and a couple of years. And it's just so confusing. Because my hair feels too feminine. And then then I feel too masculine but not masculine. Something else like it's just not there's something just not right. And my brain is just you know, I'm like, Okay, why don't you put on this top instead of that top and see if that fits the your perception of your gender right now and I'm like, No, we'll try this top and then put on this thing. Eventually I settled on a baseball cap and a V neck top with hoop earrings. That kind of feels closest to how my gender feels right now but it's not exactly right. I feel like my gender is right now is Beyonce is music video for flawless with and she's she's got like a plaid shirt with a chain and like booty shorts and like boots and it's like but not necessarily that outfit because I put that outfit on not the booty shorts, but the plaid shirt and a chain and I was like that's not it but it's like the essence of kind of masculine and feminine and I don't know if you watch that video, but it's like an in black and white and she's She looks like she's with a bunch of white supremacist skinhead people, but I presume that that not I think it's just like, similar style. Is that what it is? Do I want to be a white supremacist skinhead? Is that the gender I'm looking for? Oh, no, it's just confusing. Anyway, that videos really cool all of it. If you just Google flawless, and it's the one where they start with girls time, like an old 80s TV show, then you'll know you're on the right thing. Yeah, maybe do I just want to be Beyonce? Is that what it is? I fucking who knows. Okay, so moving on, because my probably not, not a lot of you. Vic's? I don't know. I'd say maybe not a lot of you are non binary. But maybe you know, a lot of people like yes, I feel the same video and if that's the case, hey. So last episode, we had a goal. We had a goal for this episode for Kofi KOF i, which is a version of Patreon but better. We had a goal of getting 15 subscribers and $85 a month in subscription values to go towards the face value podcast. And we grew that we did have we had nine subscribers and we had was it 45 Squirrel squirrels grow 55 So last last episode, we had nine subscribers and 55 subscription value. And now we have 10 and 65. Oh, okay, we want to get to 15. That's a goal. Okay. So if you liked the podcast, and you think it's a value, or it's worth $5 a month to you so $1.25 An episode, if you do four episodes, if it's worth that to you, hopefully it is, you know, Vinnie, no badge is not worth anything to me. It is, if you feel like it is, then you can go and become a baby fat subscriber, which is just $5 a month, and you will get the size diversity resource guide. And then I'm planning on month two, giving people the first fatty sheath of science and links and resources and like information about the studies. So it's like this big spreadsheet with science stuff. And then I'm thinking about having like, episodes, where it's only the, you know, getting a week early or something like that, I'm still thinking about that, but let's see how it goes. Because if people are not interested, then I won't do it. Right. So if people aren't interested in subscribing, there's, there's no point. So yeah, if you do value, my content that I provide for free, we're at 160 episodes, go to KO fi, K ofI, forward slash fierce fatti or find my shit or go to the show notes. Whatever you're listening on, I'm sure there's a link somewhere. If you want the show notes, just generally, it's always just the episode number. So we're on 100 and 61st of all eight, four slash 160. Okay, so how life changes after you discover fat liberation and anti diet, the good, bad and the annoying. I had done an episode like this a few years ago. And it was so interesting to go back and look at the notes about what I perceived to be the good, the bad. And the annoying. And it is, is my experience is a lot more robust. And I wonder if they align with your experiences or if you're new to fat liberation and anti diet what you might have to come in the future. And as you can see from the title I said, the good the bad, and the annoying, so it's not all roses and fairy tales, Irish. I wish I wish that we could discover fat liberation and be like, Oh, turns out I'm a bad bitch. I will never be have fat phobic thoughts or, or experience fatphobia again in my life, oh, let's go to this. Let's create like a fat liberation island where you know, everyone's just like, fat and fat and into fat liberation. And we just go and have fun, and then just go live there forever. That'd be fun. But unfortunately, that does not yet exist. Someone created lose. So yeah, let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. So the first thing is, due to fat liberation and fat liberation, when I'm talking about fat liberation is the idea that fat people are humans by no store range that people are humans. And they deserve equal access, respect, dignity, and all of the things that straight size counterparts. Get, right? It's not about saying I might do an episode on this, like myths around fat liberation is not about saying we hate fat ease, and we hate thin people and you're forced to find fat people attractive or we want everyone to be really unhealthy or anything like that. It's just hey, let's, let's give fat people equal access and so that fat folks can

Unknown Speaker 9:02

live our lives. Just like stone size people. I was pretty basic, right? And then anti diet the idea that diets don't work, but if you want a diet you do you it's all about choice if dieting works for you, but for me, dieting doesn't fit with my girls or, you know, politics, whatever. Okay, so now that I've been in fat liberation and anti diet for I think about eight years now. I have a much deeper understanding of my worth. And because I have a deeper understanding of my worth, as a human, just my you know, worth as a human, that I am not an absolute giant bag of shit. Whereas before I really did believe that I was a bag of shit because I have a fat body. And so sometimes, because I'm aware of my worth, I am getting what I am worth, however, sometimes I don't, because I don't have that influence. And that feel shifts sometimes because I understand my worth, I get what I want, I get my worth. And sometimes I don't. And that feels shit. So it can feel really good and it can feel not so good. And I'm just thinking about things like, we're talking about fat stuff and bodies and things like that, but I really feel like it extends to other parts of your life. So for example, things like money, like, because I have my own business, right, and I do consulting with companies and, and other folks, dieticians, whatnot. And I feel like, instead of being incredibly apologetic and charging the absolute bare minimum and being like, Oh, thank you for working with me, and, oh, actually, I'll work for free, which is a lot of kind of how I felt before I be like, This is what my price is. And if you're able to pay it that has no bearing on able and willing to pay it that has no bearing on me, in regards to my worth. Whereas like, if someone say, came back before and was like, Whoa, that's a lot, or oh, that's more than I can afford, then I'd be like, oh, what I hear is, I am not worth this. Whereas now I'm like, No, I know, I know what I'm worth. And some people might not be able to afford to work with me and some people can and that doesn't matter. And we're using the word worth, but it's kind of not necessarily just to do with money, and also not saying that humans need to have a worth. Because I think when I'm what I'm saying worth what I'm saying is what I am entitled to, which is the same as what everyone else is entitled to right. Before I didn't think that I was entitled to what everyone else was entitled to. I thought I was entitled to less. Yeah, so not worth, it's what I am entitled to. Okay, so next interactions with healthcare providers. So there's good and bad with it. So I know when I'm been denied evidence based care. So I can fight back and ask for evidence based care. But I also know when I'm being denied evidence based care, and that feels bad. That doesn't feel fun. You know, when I look at my last doctor's visit, she said, Oh, yeah, so for this condition, lose weight. And I was like, I didn't say anything, because I know she just she just says says it offhand. She doesn't press it. But it was kind of like a little stab in the heart of she's not on my side, she doesn't understand she doesn't understand about fat politics. And that's really sad. And also, I can say, Wow, she doesn't understand about poor fat politics. She doesn't understand about weight science. And what she's saying isn't evidence based care. So what I'm going to do is have a look at what well, the evidence is, oh, turns out that you can't lose weight. Lalla Uh huh. Okay, I feel I'm back to my you know, feeling better. But then also feeling frustrated that the person who I talk to you about health doesn't understand about fat liberation, but at least I know now, whereas before, when I wasn't, didn't know anything about fat liberation, I would hear, you need to lose weight, and I would be on a diet right now. I would be on a diet or right now. Think about and the last eight years of being like being aware of fat liberation and anti diet, the amount of diets I would have been on in that time that I have not been on, and how beneficial that is for my, my health and my mental well being. Wow. But also, how frustrating it is to be prescribed diets, you know, any anything. Next I have increased confidence. So increased confidence around my body and general confidence. And so just an FYI, these are my experiences. Someone else who was discovering fat liberation may not have increased confidence, they might not experience any of these things that I'm experienced. So this is just my personal experience. Okay. So I now know that my body is not the problem. So before fat liberation, I was like, my body is a problem. If I just lose weight, then I will be okay. But the problem is actually the way that society views my body and other people's bodies. That is the problem. And so that new way that shift of thinking has helped me advocate for myself, and generally feel better about who I am as an individual. And I no longer casually accept shit, because I feel shit. So before or it was like I was colluding with the system of oppression. I was colluding with anti fatness. And I was on like, the other side of the table with anti fatness and, you know, another version of Vinny was on the other side and I an anti fat notice, like, look at that body want to ugly piece of shit. And I was like, Yeah, Taliban, they are disgusting. They need to lose way. And you know, the other version of Vinny is like, Okay, I'm sorry. Whereas now I'm sat with other version of Vinny, on the side of myself. And if that bias is still on the other side, saying you're a piece of shit, you need to lose weight. Whereas I'm, they're able now to say, No, fuck off. So I was colluding with anti fat bias previously, now I'm fighting it. And because of that, that has increased my confidence. Because I know that I am not the problem. It is all these systems of oppression that is the problem. Which, you know, knowing that is really fucking annoying, right? Because at least when I was the problem, I could fix it, quote, unquote, I could fix it. I couldn't. But I could, I had control. If I just did this, I just ate less if I just exercise more, if I just became smaller, then everything will be fixed. And that was very black and white thinking. Now, this, this shades of gray. I will show you the gray. Don't you just want to yes, no. Easy peasy left, right. Good, bad. Oh, it's so annoying having to use critical thinking skills. Oh, God, I just just just not. But yeah, unfortunately. And fortunately, that's not the case anymore. So relationships, all of my relationships are with people who don't fat shame. Many of my relationships are with people who are actively fat positive and anti diet. No, one person in my life is that person that I'm like, Oh, God, here we go. This person is talking about blah, blah, blah. I do not have those people in my life anymore. And that is a massive level of privilege that I have because I was able to remove myself from those people. Sometimes you can't. Sometimes you don't want to sometimes it's complicated. You know, say if you're dependent on someone for for housing, or for income or for support or whatever, and that also a raging fat phobe, you might not be in the position to be like, get the fuck outta here, loser. Because you might die. You know? I'm I mean, the result is, you know. And so that comes with a ton of privilege me saying that. And also recognizing a lot of hard work that I've gone through to get there. Because when I started out on the this journey eight years ago, absolutely no one in my life was fat positive. No one anti diet new way. Pro diet, yes. Because I was pro diet and a lot of my friendships were built on talking about the opposite of what I talk about now. And I realized that that was not sustainable. And so either I set boundaries, and those people accepted those boundaries, or they didn't, or I had difficult conversations, or they just drifted from my life. Or here's the really awesome thing. They too then became fat positive. Obviously, I have family and

Unknown Speaker 18:52

and you can cut family out and I have actually one of my sisters, I had to cut out because she is deeply committed to anti fatness and wouldn't respect my boundaries. And unfortunately, that meant that I couldn't have her in my life. And many years of stuff coming up to it. It wasn't just like, I was like, I've discovered fat liberation because I read a book one time and you're dead to me, loser. You didn't have him like that. It was a long, many therapy sessions, long process. And so that is so joyful for me to know that I am not going to casually run into anti fat bias and pro diet stuff when I'm at lunch with a friend. That is not going to happen. In fact, the opposite. We're going to be talking about radical politics and laughing and having fun and enjoying the food. Versus before being like Carlos is a nice salad. Oh. But it meant that was difficult and that's hard and I lost relationships and And that sucks. And that took a lot of growth from me and doing things that I didn't want to do. Who the fuck wants to set boundaries? I know they're good, but you know, I roll it wasn't do that can't be we just read our minds and just behave exactly the way that we want them to know they can't oh my god so annoying I need to fucking talk to them rude. And as the other thing right before I would not be having conversations with with people and just secretly behind their back, I'll be like, So and so it's so this and that. And I hate them and Melilla, but I would never give them the opportunity to be close to me because I would absolutely not say it to their face. When I oh my god, you're amazing. Because I was so terrified. I was scared, right? You know, I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared of how would they would react if I said, don't say this, or can you not say that? And that's one of the things is when I'm working with with one on one clients. One of the first things I will ask is, who are you surrounded by people who was struggling? Guarantee, I guarantee they've got at least one or two people in their life who are actively anti fat. And it's usually usually their mum, or their sister, or mother in law. And that's tricky, right? Because it's it's his family. And the people who are longer far further along on on this this journey. You know, if I ask that question, they'll be like, yeah, actually, you know, I have got one friend who introduced me to this and and actually there is I do have a few fat friends who Lola and and you know, they've you know, I have a cousin who who doesn't who kind of doesn't talk that well, about fatness, but you know, I don't really see him that often. You know, there's there's going to be a difference there. And I'm not saying that you have to cut out people who are committed to bigotry. But for me, it just didn't feel good. Just didn't feel good. Right. And eventually, the more confidence and self worth that I had because of that liberation, the more I realized, actually, there's other people out there who will treat me better and have a nicer experience with. Yeah, no. Okay, so next, my body is not a thing anymore, really. So it's not a thing as in. I'm not thinking about it all the time. As I say that, as I'm talking about today about my gender stuff. In regards to fatness, right. So anyway, with the gender stuff, I'm not thinking about how others perceive my body, I'm just feeling I'm thinking about the, the feeling the is this like, I don't know, or aura or something of gender that I want to step into. So it's not this like I'm not right it's it's this kind of puzzle piece thing, so, but anyway, with fatness, I'd be like, from the moment I wake woke up the clothes that I put on, are they are they do they fit? Do I look good? What are people thinking? Do people think I look too big? If I am in a photo, what does the photo look like? Do I Do I look to him to fatten the photo? Let me see the photo as soon as it's is as it's taken. Oh my god, delete that photo. I don't like it. Oh, God, I look bad. So therefore I must look bad today. And now like, I just it's not really a thing. It's just not a thing. You know, I know that. I know that. Living in a bigger body. People are judging me, but I don't really give a fucking shit. I don't, I don't, I don't think about it. I don't think about other people thinking that I'm too too fat. It just doesn't even come up into my brain. That's cool, isn't it? I just read I just realized that I don't even think about it. I don't think that anyone's thinking. Vinnie should be smaller, but I'm sure people are thinking that, that obviously the fat folks and there's also people who are like, Oh, Vinny is a great look at that body that Vinny has got Vinny is amazing what a great personality or whatever, or nothing. Oh, you know, what am I making for dinner tonight? Because really, it's not my business to know what's going on in other people's heads. And if they are judging me, then I feel compassion for them because I know why they're judging me is because they don't feel good about themselves. So it doesn't stop people judging me. But it's it means that I don't really give a shit. But again, I want to mention the level of privilege that I have as a white person, as a medium fat person as someone who is not disabled, etc. My experiences might be different. Well, they would be there's not My will will be different. If I had more marginalized identities. And it might be that I would think about it more, because I would be experiencing more stigmatization. And I would be experiencing more people verbally telling me that they're judging me negatively or experiencing that through other actions. So, sprinkling there with my privilege, or that privilege over that situation, my situation, my experience, will not be the same as everyone's. And on the other side, someone who has a smaller body, they will be experiencing the same things as me. So, yeah, the way that I view my body is, I'm like, You're welcome. That I'm educating you with my body by being present here today, in a fat body that doesn't give any fucks you are welcome to soak up this fucking juicy shit. That's what I think. Just You're welcome for my presence today. Yeah. Okay. So to begin with, fat liberation was very lonely. It was lonely. There weren't a lot of fat people. I knew there weren't a lot of people who were anti diet. And when I joined Joy joyously, a told people in my life, did you know that there's no way to lose weight long term? And did you know, I was met with? That doesn't sound right. Well, we all know fat people are unhealthy. Hang on a minute. And so it was a very lonely experience. And with that, kind of drifting away over the other friends who were anti fat. It was, and, and, and with the well being so anti fur, it felt like I was just on this island of, you know, being like, Oh, I think that this, this might work. For me, this might be a good idea. And it felt like there was no one else like maybe three other people in the whole world who who thought that this might be something worth pursuing fat liberation. And so it took time to find fat community. It took years and finding that community online. And luckily finding fat community in Vancouver, which is a very thin city, it's kind of you know, they say the Hollywood North is what they call Vancouver. Because this film industry here is here, but also culturally, it's very much kind of like LA in regards to thin nurses, the nurses in. And so it took time. And again, just mentioning my privilege, me living in Vancouver, means that aren't there. Many people are living, I don't know how many people who live here, probably billions. And also, because I am doing this as for my job, I have an online presence. Therefore it's easier for me to meet people. And also because of my personality type. I'm outgoing, and I like talking to people. And I find it easy to make friends. But there are fat people who are are quieter or maybe more introverted, and they found their fat community too. Because not all fat people are like me, right? Obviously, some family will be like, I don't wanna be friends with Vinnie, they're too loud, or that to theirs or whatever. Well, they're just not my cup of tea, or, you know, and so there's lots of,

Unknown Speaker 28:31

there's lots of fat community out there. And it could be that, it's just that it, most of it is going to be online. And that's the thing is, so many of my friends are online, I've never met them. And that's okay, doesn't mean that their friendships are less valuable. Of course, this has never happened. But imagine, imagine if I could go shopping with a fat person. This has never happened. We've got a new we've got another plus sized clothing swap coming up. That's the closest thing that we have in Vancouver. And that is that is so joyous, bringing your clothes that no longer serve you. And then putting it on a table and seeing another fat person picking up your clothes saying oh my god, this is perfect. I love this. Oh, and then you picking up something and I love this. And then another fat person said I brought that oh my god, it looks so good on you. Oh, love it, love it. But again, you're might be in a small community and not have that. Maybe you can create it or not whatever. Okay, so fat liberation and anti diet ruins. So many of my previous favorite media, movies, TV shows, books, it ruins it. It doesn't ruin it, but it opens my eyeballs to the problems in the in the in the text in the in the messages. And you know even now new stuff coming out you excited for a new series and you're like, Fuck say God, okay, they are invested in anti fat bias for like Way to ruin this series. And then you have to stop watching it or you don't. And then you have to put yourself through anti fat bias because you've got like a guilty pleasure of watching bikini babes on the beach dating show, whatever it is. So, and it's like, once you've seen it, you can't unsee it. It's the the veil has been lifted. And it's like, for fuck sake. That's what it feels like for fucks sake, why is it that, you know, like, oh, I mean, you know, my favorite show, always was always always always Sex in the City. Me and my sister had a board Sex in the City board game, and we'd be screaming out the answers to each other, but we loved Sex in the City. And I bet yeah, loads of you to be like, Yeah, I love Sex in the City, or I still do. That show was fucked up. Very entertaining. And like pear shaped me into the human I am in many ways, but you know, rewatching it you're like, oh my god, like I remember this up and not even just the fat stuff everything at everything. The episode where Samantha got quote, fat, like she she wasn't having enough sex with Smith. And so she ate a cake or something. And and so they put on I guess, someone put on a pair of trousers on her that weren't, you know, maybe a centimeter too tight and so made her tummy ever so slightly bulge the time he had not even a bulge that you know, made her skin slightly not be taught. And, and when she walked in, and all the girls being like, holy shit, you're so fucking fat, Jesus Christ, what's wrong with you? We need to have a conversation about how grotesque and fat you are. Obviously, they didn't say that. But it was like a camera pan down to her her giant stomach. And it was just a thin stomach. And, you know, that's just one example. I can remember. And there's lots of other things. But anyway, so you just like I roll and you might decide to watch that stuff anyway. And then you just like why. But also it makes you really, really appreciate when fat positive stuff does come out? And it really that really fills your cup. I don't know, if it would have before as much if I would have noticed it would if would I be excited about something new that was fat positive that came out? I don't know. I don't know. So all of this can be exhausting, but also rejuvenating. So you've taken off the rose tinted glasses, and now can see how anti fat bias is ever really well. It's overwhelming. And it made me really angry a lot of the time. And that's what I see a lot is when people are. It's kind of like, I guess it's like the stages of grief or something I know that's bullshit is not a real thing. But it's like people come to fat liberation, and they're like, oh my god, this is amazing. This is so good. I'm so excited. And then then it's like, Oh, what, what the fuck? And if that bias is everywhere, what are companies I happened? Oh my god, I'm so angry. Fuck you, everybody. He's like, in the beginning, you're like, I'm gonna tell everyone about it, and they're gonna be so excited. And they're gonna join me in this fat liberation thing. And then no, and then everyone, you know, fat bias is everywhere. And so then you're like, you're like a fucking I hate everyone. And then it comes into the kind of like, Yeah, I know, it's everywhere. And also, I can't, you know, being angry all the time. You know, I can be angry 97% of the time, but But you know, I need that 3% where I'm like, okay, yeah, I'm accepting the grudgingly of the anti fat bias existing in the world so that I can live but also using that space of way where you're not angry to move forward and communicate in ways which are more impactful. That's what my experience was before that was my bad I'm not saying that. That's everyone's but you kind of I kind of see I see that as a kind of a common thing thing of going through those stages, but anger is a great thing. Right? We need anger. If we didn't have anger, they'd probably be apathy. So I'm not saying it's bad to be angry or anything but that's just one of the the feelings that people have around this stuff. And and then and then coming out the other side, realizing that the changes are happening, and feeling excited about it. And that is rejuvenating. When you realize oh, oh, this place someone is has changed and is doing better and values fatness and fat people that is so weird Oh my god. And I've really seen that change. More often than not, like before, for like eight years ago, if you said to someone, did you know diets don't work? They'd be like, Fuck off, get out of here. Whereas now if you say diets don't work, I feel like there will be times that people say, oh, yeah, I know that. You know, straight people, straight sides, people. And you'd like oh, and often what they'll say, and this grinds my gears a bit, is they'll say, yes. Have you listened to me? And then phase podcast? And I'm like, Yeah, Jenna, I'm jealous of them. Because I talk about the same stuff. And people don't say everything. Listen to me is very sad. Anyway, I but so I see things changing, right? Okay, I know myself more. Because I'm not shrouded in this cloak of shame. That shame was was oppressive like this, this, this, this force over me, which was like, You shouldn't be ashamed of yourself. Because I'm not shrouded in that shame, as much shame still comes back for me for different reasons. But I'm not shrouded in that shame. And so it feels like shame is like this cloud. And then when the shame around fatness dissipated, the clouds went away in the sun was able to shine on the seeds in the soil of different identities and experiences that I haven't yet to discover. And so one of them being gender. And so the sun was able to shine down on that garden and all the little saplings that were previously unable to grow or was struggling to grow because of the shroud of dark clouds above stopping that sun, we're now able to now grow. And you know, there's clouds will come back for you know, other things. But there's not imagine if all the clouds in the sky a shame about different parts of your identity. So fat was the big one for me, like that was a big color, all encompassing cloud. But there might be other clouds, which is like, shame about if I'm a good person, and then that might come and block the sun for a while. But then that cloud is not as big as the shame about being fat. This is a good analogy. I need to write this down. I'm going to draw a little picture to remind me, I do like an analogy. Shame, clouds. Shame clouds, flowers growing. Yeah. And so I'm able because now that that is lifted, I'm able to explore different parts of myself and understand myself better. Because I'm not viewing everything through the collusion with antivirus I was before. Next, I can rest.

Unknown Speaker 38:03

I can rest. I don't feel I need to prove myself. I don't need to behave like a good fatty to make up for my perceived shortcomings by being excellent in other areas of my life. I feel like fat people resting is deeply liberatory is deeply political, fat people resting fat people napping, fat people, giving them the cells things that they need to thrive not just survive is radical. Imagine that a fat person napping, feeding themselves, not succumbing to the shame of anti fatness and springing up, springing up and being like, okay, no, I'm going to, I'm going to get a salad and I'm going to run a marathon and I'm going to be so great at my job and I'm going to be tired and I'm going to I'm going to make up for this this awful thing that I am this fat thing. And instead says Nah, fuck that. I'm gonna have a fucking nap. I'm not going to kill myself to prove that I am worthy. And this is complicated. I'm I'm this this resting low Nelly. That's one something that I'm really working with. Because not only was the fat in the fat, shame, a big thing but also laziness as a tool of white supremacy. Which you know, laziness is a white supremacist myth that is deeply interwoven into my, my history, my from my my family, and being a productive member of society is to be a A good member of society according to white supremacy, whereas the reality is that you do not need to be productive to be a good member of society. And if we look under that, too, then if you have other marginalized identities, and learning that stuff is really difficult. So yeah, so there's something I saw on Tik Tok, or some somewhere I don't know, it was called fuck was it called? I've written putting in my diary to remind myself to do it every week now. Bare minimum Monday, bare minimum Monday. So every week I put a little thing bare minimum Monday. So to avoid the Sunday scaries the like, oh my god, I'm going to having to go back to work. Instead, say, Okay, I'm just going to try and do absolutely as little as possible on Monday. And then I try to take Friday afternoons off. And again, this is privilege. If you're like, you know, have whatever your job is. You can like, yeah, right. Great, great idea of any like, I'm a nurse bare minimum Monday, what am I going to is going to let people just die because I'm like, sorry, Bob, is bare minimum, bare minimum Monday, I can't do the CVR on you. I'm too tired. I'm gonna have a nap. So I know so many people can't do that, right? Why did Bob diet? Because it was he, you know, he went into arrest when it was bare minimum Monday. So I'd already helped one person that day. So I was at my limit. So sorry. Yeah, but you know, we can extend this to our, our outside of work life. Now the thing that I've done is, I've decided that three social again engagements a week is my limit. So I go to I have choir, so that's one. And at the moment, we've got two choir practices a week, because we're getting close to doing a concert. And so I'll have room in my brain for one other, and I won't be like, Ah, you're such a, you know, party people or whatever, saying no to people and and I've been saying no to people, because I have like one other spot to do something. And apart from that, I'm relaxing to the max. Okay, I have more mental energy to embark on the journey of unlearning other systems of oppression that I was committed to, like ableism, health ism, racism, colonization, etc. Because if you're spending a lot of time thinking, that fatness is a problem, and you your fatness is a problem, and that you need to diet to to restrain this unwielding body that you have. That takes up a lot of mental energy. But when we realized that it wasn't a problem that didn't need to be fixed, there was not a problem there at all, then we can use that brain energy for like kosher kill shit that you want to do. Something that is nice is I may have broken many generations of fat bias. And that's powerful. But I also mourn for those who came before me, who were never able to be free of anti fat bias. I no longer automatically trust experts as I did before. Which is annoying, right? Because it's easier just to be like, Oh, an expert said this. And so it's absolutely right. And with it with learning about, you know, lobbying from weight loss companies, and how much influence they have, and like, where all this kind of rhetoric around, we all know, fat people are unhealthy and a need to lose weight and everyone can lose weight, and understanding like what's underneath that makes you think, Okay, well, I can't just take something on face value as much. And I have to realize that institutions are filled with bias, and individuals are filled with bias. And that is going to be something to consider. And I have to screen for that when I seek out information. And that makes means that there's extra work that I have to do like, you know, what biases are in this information. Yeah, and it's easier you know, because I knew then it can be just black and white thinking, Oh, the doctor said that fat people are pieces of shit. Okay, well, I'll just take that at face value. And then I'll just go on a diet versus you know, what is going on and and I know the doctors are probably not saying fat people or people are pieces of shit, but you know, I'm being I'm exaggerating for effect. But yeah, that can be tiring. coming to the realization that no matter how much I believe I am worthy, and fatness is a beautiful thing, that will not change, systemic anti fat bias. My individual self acceptance won't change the world for fat people. But it might help, it might help. It doesn't matter how much you love yourself, it doesn't matter how much you're like, I'm fucking amazing. That doesn't stop institutionalized, systemic, anti fat bias, ideological, anti fat bias. But I feel like if we do individually have that level of knowing that we deserve better, then the more people that know that, the more that we're able to read anti fat bias from institutions from systems, but it's probably not something that's going to be happy to happen in our lifetime. So it doesn't matter. You know, if you, if you use you love yourself, you're still gonna go into a doctor and have the doctor say you're fat and you need to not be fat. But the difference that I see is that in that example, you're able to say, Huh, is that absolutely true, that I need to not be fat? And is it true, that I should do dangerous things to make myself smaller? And saying I don't deserve to risk my life to be smaller, temporarily, because I love myself and I think that I deserve better. So I think that's what that what the difference is, with this stuff. I've been talking about a lot of kind of like, Oh, my goodness, sound like, fat liberation is just fucking depressing or depressing as shit. But it's not. It's filled with joy. It's filled with love and laughter and, and, and jokes and, and liberation. And I would never never wished that I had not discovered fat liberation and anti diet. Absolutely not. It has changed my life 1,000,000,000% For the better. And I shudder to think if I had never found Regan Chasteen has blogged answers with fat, how the fuck it happened, I can't remember. But I just

Unknown Speaker 47:37

I'm so pleased. Even though there are many times where I feel tired and annoyed and frustrated and angry. There are still many, many times where I feel I know my place in the world. And I know that I have a place and that I am a deserving human being. And that my needs deserve to be considered and met when possible. So I wonder if if you've got any ways that you know, your life has changed after you've discovered fat liberation and anti diet. There's the whole like, anti diet thing, like in regards to the way that you know, you're interacting with food and you're interacting with, with clothes and you know, the diet stuff. There's lots of different nuances around that. And we know things like I'm not really thinking about food. I think about it in regards to like, I'm hungry, I want to eat what do I want to eat? But you know, I'm not thinking, Oh, I'm so bad because I ate food or, Oh, I shouldn't eat food before this, or oh, why am I hungry when I've only just ate I need to wait another X amount of hours until I'm allowed to eat again, or, you know, it's just not a thing the same way that my body is not a thing. Food is really not a thing. And on the flip side, like sometimes, food being a thing was was nice for me in regards to because I was so you know, restrict, and then the joyousness of having that food when I after I did restrict that joyousness for the moment felt nice and that food tastes so good. Then came the shame of you shouldn't have eaten that food whereas now it's like, well, I can have that food at any time. And so that kind of zing that spiciness of impending shame. I don't feel but I mean like do I do I want to have a spiciness of a pen and pen and bending shame it's kind of like you say if you ate like a ghost pepper and you're on your asshole was like

Unknown Speaker 49:44

impending impending diarrhea coming. Do I know not when it's when it's shame that's that's going to come out of the article.

Unknown Speaker 50:00

Okay, well, that's everything I've got to say for today. If you enjoyed this episode, go to Code fi forward slash, first fantasy and let's see if we can get to 15 monthly subscribers. So that's not a one off donation and that's a monthly subscriber. You would make my heart pitter patter with fatty happiness. If we could get there that would be amazing. Thank you for being here today. Even if you can't donate. I appreciate you listening in and I hope you have an amazing rest of your day as far too. I will see you in a while alligator and stay fares fatty.