Episode 71 Transcript

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Welcome to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm your host, Victoria Welsby and this is episode 71. Today, we're talking about when you think other fat people are attractive, but not yourself.

I'm Victoria Welsby TEDx speaker, Best Selling Author and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self esteem to being a courageous and confident fifth party who loves every inch of this jelly. society teaches us living in a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed? Or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century? So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the first fatty podcast Let's begin.

1:20

Hello, fatty Welcome to this podcast. And feeling inspired. I just had a one on one call with with one of my one on one. coochies and I yeah, I feel really excited to hear what you all are getting up to and what's ahead of you. I'm just like, fuck yeah, you're just just going fucking do it and roll the world. Yeah, so I'm excited. Every time I come off a call with with people. I'm like, the world is good. If you want to chat with me one on one, then you can do that. You can go to my website. I can't remember the link. Probably facebook.com forward slash coaching. I remember the first argument but basically.com forward slash coaching I'm pretty sure if not them your your work it out. Yeah.

So hey, hi. Hi. Hi. I've been talking to you about all these fucking technical issues pallava that I've been having. I've not been able to upload any podcast episodes to the drive for. For my team to be able to make it turn it into magic stuff. Because my internet is so share. And I've been on the internet on my I've been on the phone to the Internet people. And it's taking like, a bajillion years to get fixed. So there was a gap of hopefully just one week, hopefully we've got it sorted. And it was just one week where you didn't have fears about a podcast. But that is the first time in the history of the podcast that we have missed a week. I feel pretty proud of myself and having missing a week and it'd been a technical difficulty. I don't think so anyway, we were like agile, you missed, like 10 weeks here. But in other good news. And then if you've been following me on, on the Instagrams, this whole pallava that I've been having, getting through to the Canada Revenue Agency, it's been weeks, weeks and recalling them up being on hold for the record was three and a half hours before they just hang up. Normally, they hang up two hours in between two hours and two and a half hours, I just hang up. And I just need to get my account unlocked.

Anyway, I got a call yesterday. And it was the CRA saying you requested a callback a month ago, and we're giving you that callback. And I thought, holy shit. Christmas miracles do happen. And I had requested a callback and they said, oh, we'll call you back within 48 hours a month ago. And so because they didn't call me back, I was like, Well, you know, that's not going to happen. And the only reason I got to request a callback to speak to someone to request a call back is because I have a business tax account, right? And so I called the business number thinking I could sneak in and get some personal, you know, unlocking of my account, but they said no, we can't help you. But we'll get them to call you back. So if you're trying to get through to the CRA, call the business line, get them to call you back and they'll maybe call you back within a month. And she unlocked my account done. I was just like, Oh my God. I was on the phone to her and I was like, thank you so much for calling. You don't even know how long I've been trying to get through. It's been so stressed about it. So yeah, my life is improving. I haven't unlocked tax account. Hurrah for me. So, as the I'm going to be talking about COVID shit you Now if you want to avoid it, then skip ahead. 10 minutes maybe. So COVID shirt as the vaccine is being rolled out Hurrah. In some places fat people are classed as higher risk, and are getting the vaccine first now, not in all places, but in some places in the UK I think is one of those places. And because of that, of course, the fat phobes are out. Of course, the fat phobes are out. Out vertebrae look at these fat people, we're draining the money from the system by being fat. By the way, we're going to get into this in a sec. There's no still no evidence to show that fat people are dying from COVID. Any more than straight sides people. In fact, we have good evidence to show that being fat protects you from dying from COVID. But who needs science when you can have sensationalized headlines blaming the fat people yet again? Because that's more interesting, right.

6:23

But this is a case if you are in a community where you're getting the vaccine first, because you're fat and you've been classed as high risk. This is a case of fat phobia for once working in our benefits, working in our favor. Fine, if you want to class this as high risk and we can get the vaccine first, knock yourself out. And someone Someone asked in a Facebook group saying oh, that she felt guilty about the fact that there are actual high risk people who need the vaccine. And yeah, totally, I get that. Absolutely. But also, so as a fat person, fat people, we experience medical discrimination, right. And so our health outcomes, poorer health outcomes associated with fat bodies are oftentimes can be caused by discrimination, by Fat people not seeking out treatment, getting treatment late being diagnosed is all that type of jazz. And, and so whenever we come in contact with the medical system, we are higher risk because of fatphobia. And so we are higher risk, because we are treated less than if we come in contact not all the time, but a lot of times systemically with medical services. And so this is a great way to protect yourself from that medical fatphobia. So don't feel guilty about getting the vaccine if you're fat. Because it's protecting you from COVID. And from having to deal with the medical system if you did get COVID which means that you'd be at higher risk because you have a fat body because of medical discrimination. So there's still no evidence that fat people are dying at a higher rate, or have a higher risk of dying from COVID steel. Okay, we're in Feb 2021. Still, now, you know, they saw all this shit started going down like a year ago. And so fat people have been dealing with these messages of Oh, a new study came out turns out that all fat people are going to spontaneously combust.

And then fat people are like, Oh my God, is it true? And then people look at the studies and they say, oh, no, this study isn't saying that. And in fact, the study it study is garbage. And it's not peer reviewed. And it's not looking at these other factors, etc, etc. And whenever a study has come out like this, newspapers have, you know, made the headline half that people are just running around, eating children and shit, whatever it is. And it's, it's not based in good science, or any science. So there's one that recently came out, and it was shared in The Guardian. The Guardian is a British newspaper. It's a type of newspaper that I would read and so when you see stuff from The Guardian, and I know obviously they're not you know, they're not perfect. They are more like left wing, but they had a the title of the article was Oh word increases risk of death from COVID by 48%. Oh my god. So if you saw that, oh, word increases risk of they're not saying oh, well, this is missing. Know what increases risk of death from COVID by 48% Holy shit, run for the hills. Let's immediately go on a diet because we don't want to die, right? So in the fat Studies Group I'm in someone wanted someone shared this and wanted the science buffs to look at this to see, you know, is this true? Do you know what I'm gonna say? Is this true? Okay, so from so Louise Adams She's the host of all fired up podcast, she's Australian.

10:41

Great podcast go follow her. Amazing. So, science boffin nerd about my house. One thing that the we said is about this study that says 48% risk of dying if you fail. So 35 studies were included, four studies showed that individuals with Oh word may decrease in hospital mortality, insignificant Association in 14 studies. So that's 18 out of 35 studies, almost half showing, not showing an association, then they pulled the data from all 35 studies, they included dodgy studies in the meta analysis, my guess if they didn't, there would have been a statistical significance significance achieved, there wouldn't have been a statistical significance achieved, basically. Okay, so what this study has done, is that, okay, let's look at these 35 studies. Let's make sure that we add in the these these shit studies, okay? When I say shit studies, I mean studies like, who alone number of people in the study, not good data, not peer reviewed, not looking for any confounding factors, you know, like race, socioeconomic status, previous health conditions, all that type of stuff. So then this is, you know, junk science. So they're including this junk science that have have said, Oh, fat people are gonna die. And make sure that they include these junk science into the analysis that they're looking at, because they show the stats that they want to show. So they're like, Okay, we need to show that fat people are dying. The studies aren't good, fuck it.

But I mean, anyway, these studies are showing that there's a no association, or in fact, fat people are decrease in hospital mortality, and Toyoko homes. I mean, anything. So also, as well, in all of these studies, there's no control for for weight bias, race, social, socio economic status, health stuff, you know, anything like that. So, don't trust that because people are saying it on the news or in newspapers, it's good science. Journalists, aren't scientists, and journalists are there to provide entertainment and flashy headlines to pray provide a story. And it sucks, right? It sucks that we can't just be like, Oh, someone shared something on Facebook. And this study showing the fat people like eating children, and it's true 48% of fat people eat children. But we have to remember that journalists aren't immune from fatphobia. Right? Because they're people, organizations aren't immune from fatphobia. Because people, and there was a large scale. So this is something different, but there's a large scale study of 375,859 people so 375,000 people in this study that they're looking at the data, and I'm going to link to this, this study in Well, an overview of the study, which then you can find the link to the actual study because you know, anyway, I'm gonna link I'm gonna make like I only Mike, that this study found that fat people were in hospital but they weren't the ones dying. Okay. So have you know, the things that that cause risk of someone dying they had a you know, the things that mean that your higher risk and they showed that there, there were more there were there were lots of fat people in hospital, but that didn't mean that the fat people will die.

So a note here, the high prevalence of fat people admitted to admitted to hospital with COVID is probably partly due to a willingness to proactively admit diabetics for early stage medical intervention, partly due to the fact that fat people tend to work risky, low paid jobs and less are less likely to be able to work from home. Because fatphobia right. So this is a study of for almost 400,000 people showing

15:38

fat people, they're not a higher risk for dying. Okay, so this is an update. So this is an update from Feb. 17. So if you're seeing stuff coming out saying that people are rude ruining the world? No. And if a new study does come out, look at the study, okay, look at the study, go to the study, don't just read the article that says, you know, everyone's going to spontaneously combust if they one pound heavier or whatever. Look at the study that they're citing, and see what the summary says. So you don't have to, if you're like, oh, I don't know how to read it, that's, that's fine. They in studies, they'll have like a little a little blurb, showing, you know, this is what we did. And these are our findings. And then this, then this study will go into all of the information. And so look at the study, and if, and if at the top, it's like their study is like, we surveyed two people on the streets, one person was fat, and one person was thin, the fat person had previously had COVID. That means that 100% of fat people get COVID. And then, you know, the the headline is, 100% of people get COVID Fat people are going to die. And then you look at the studies, you're like, hang on a minute, they just spoke to two people on the street. This doesn't seem like it has any type of basis in science. And obviously, I'm exaggerating, right? Like, there probably not going to be that shit of a study. But, but things like that, then we know that it's not good science. The studies will tell you the numbers, and the amounts, and all that type of stuff. So yeah, and if you're confused, that's fine. Just ask someone who was a, who was a study reader, a science nerd, a boffin, an egghead, ask one of those and ask them, What does this say? And no, and see what they say. And then you'll be like, motherfuckers. And who knows, right? There could be a study that comes out tomorrow that says, we have analyzed half a million patients. And it turns out that fat people die from COVID at a higher rate or whatever. And it could be good science, and we don't know.

But at the moment, nothing is indicating that. And also, ever study comes out tomorrow saying, you know, fat people are dying or whatever. We also need to look at, are they looking at all of the other things that are going on with the person? So are they able to say it's the actual fat cells on their body that is causing this? Or is it something else that's causing this? Are they able to say it's because they have more fat on their body? Right. So another thing how fat knows this is about news. Mara, man, if you don't know marijuana, man, marijuana is the best. Oh my god, go and get fat. So it's like a really fun little book that I think came out in the 90s. It's got like cool illustrations of that person dancing that you flip through. That's not the whole book. But you know, it's it's cool. Marilyn Manson is amazing. And something that she shared that I wanted to share, content warning, intentional weight loss eating disorder. So this is Maryland, Maryland word.

19:19

The fat hate eugenicists are excited to announce that high doses of an existing diabetes drug seriously messes with the body's appetite, regulate regulating aka survival system and damages people's awareness of hunger. Why would anyone want such a thing? modest amounts of short term weight loss, of course, who wants to bet that people's bodies will adapt to this drug and regain weight in the long term? Did researchers collect long term data? Now who needs long term data? The research study urging this awful ad label Drug Use was funded by the company that makes the drug. Do we know what possible harms people will suffer from taking high doses of this drug basically, forever. Now, if you make that people's lives so miserable with this kind of fat hate, well view that risk of unknown bodily harm is preferable to living in our very own bodies. You can sell lots of prescriptions until your drug is debunked, or record or something. I'm not naming the drug or linking to this yuck. Always remember that this approach to medicine imagines that all fat people are hungry Hungry Hippos. That's so tragically funny, and of that hungry. little fat people are hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry hippos. And they are constantly eating 100x 100% explains why with that, it couldn't possibly be true that fat people are part of humanity, or that fat people deserve to exist as we are. And then she's put out too long didn't read at the bottom summary of this. As Deb Berg God always says, They prescribe for fat people the same behaviors they diagnose in thin people. So if you're getting any kind of cut, these motherfuckers are always trying to shoot with different drugs. Turns out this drunk will make you lose weight. Yeah, but it's uh, you know, gives you a heart attack. You'll be thin when you're dying. Well, so I don't know if you know about fin fin. When was this out? Like, I need to look at be reminded when fin fin was out. So the fen Fen was this drug. Right? I know. 80s 90s I don't think it was a 2000s Let's say 90s. And it made people lose weight, but it also killed a shit ton of people. And the companies like wow, small side effect, they're making them foon eventually, it was recalled. And that wasn't the end of diet drugs. They weren't like, oh, fuck, you know, trying to make people thin with these drugs that have massive crazy weird side effects and also kills them is a bad thing. Maybe let's study this longer. Let's do better by fat people. No, no, they just they just kept they've carried they carry on with this bullshit all the time. Because it's a fucking gold mine. Imagine if there was a drug that you could just take no side effects just makes you thin. That would sell like bananas, wouldn't it? You know, so many people just would desperately want that I need that. I say need that as in they think they need that. You know, they don't need it. So yeah, there's some fat news for you. So if you're feeling funny and weird about COVID and new quote unquote studies that coming out saying that you're an evil person, you're probably not an evil person. I don't know you personally, you might be probably not. But it's not because you're fat. That makes you evil. And word of warning. Don't take drugs to make yourself thin because probably gonna kill you or someone else. I remember when I was in working in recruitment. The guy next to me was like a big gym buff. And he was like, Oh, hey, like someone's coming up. You want to loosen way. And I was like, Huh. And he handed over the cubicle, these these vials of steroids. And he was like, Hey, are you just like women take it all the time to lose weight in the summers coming up, you can lose a few pounds. And I was like, I was like, let me look at this. And I was looking at the vials. And I was like, maybe not. And I think it was only because you had to probably inject yourself. And I was probably still I was probably on the way to learning about this stuff. But you know, a year early I probably would have been like fuck it. Why not? If I become thin, who cares? I got it from some dodgy guy that I work next to it's cubicle only know his first name, you know?

24:15

Fucking fat fat phobia can suck my dang it hits is what it can do. Okay, so when you think other fat people are a chore active, but not your self. Let's have a little chinwag about that. I know we've been talking about this other stuff for a while so but you know, it's interesting. It's interesting isn't it all this ship anyway so why do you think other people are attractive but not yourself? This happens all the time. So honestly, I so I ask people questions all the time. And I Paul people and I send out surveys to try and work out what you Yes, you what you're thinking and believing, and such a common one, which is really consistent is other fat people are attractive intellectually. I know it's okay to be fat. But when I look at my body, I'm like, No, thanks. So I want to talk about the two things that could be going on here in that gorgeous noggin of yours to make you think like that. And by the way, if you're thinking like that, billion percent normal, but Julian, a hooligan percent normal, high harmless billion percent normal, so don't feel bad, I don't feel bad that you think like that. It's normal. Okay.

So first thing to note here is what could be going on is that you still have fat phobic beliefs, not what could be going on. You still have fat phobic beliefs. Everyone has fat phobic beliefs, to what degree I have fat phobic reliefs, right. They're so deep dark down, that, you know, one day I'll undercover uncover another one and be like, Oh, shit, Victoria, why were you thinking that bad person? But you know, obviously, you're not a bad person. You are a human being live in society. So you have that variable leash, right? And you're, you are probably still holding on to them more than you think. So. Like I mentioned, you intellectually know that it's okay to fat but you secretly are maybe not so secretly just wish that you were not fat, or that you were thin. I came along with that magic wand and was like, Okay, this magic wand makes you automatically thin. Do you want it? You're like, Fuck here. You might be like, huh, will anyone find out but I've taken this magic wand and it's given us a gret. Like, I don't want people to find out. So you have fabric but fat phobic beliefs. And looking at this, why okay, why? Why? fat phobic beliefs. It's complicated, but they are protecting you. Because if you become thin, then society will accept you. You'll get better health care, you'll get more dates, you'll experience less shame and stigma and who the fuck wouldn't want that? Right. So your own fat phobic beliefs are spurring you on to get to a place of societal acceptance, which will improve your life. Okay. So what the fuck would you not want that? Right? Why? Why is it so hard and difficult to challenge these fafo beliefs? Well, we they serve us in some way. But here's the kicker. The reality is that holding fat phobic beliefs isn't going to make you thin. If it did, we don't we fucking third. And if been holding five, Emily's made us thin, everyone would be thin. But it doesn't. And so it's not helpful, because holding fat phobic beliefs and holding on to shame. Shame makes us fatter. And of course, there's nothing wrong with being fatter. Shame makes us do things like try dieting. And dieting, as we know, is mostly very unsuccessful. Most people put weight back on. And a lot of people, two thirds of people put more weight on than they started with. And then you'll be bigger.

And then if you're bigger, then you're going to experience more shame and more fat phobia. And so it's not it's not a useful motivation. But our brains are kind of like, but if we were just saying then lives, our lives will be better. And the thing is, life would be easier. Like, you know, it's true. Life would be easier if you had a smaller body. Because you'll be moving into a privilege a privileged class. It's very rare for people to be able to move from a marginalized identity into one which is privileged and this is one of those cases where you can and it's so complicated because you're because you're like, I don't want to be buying into this societal bullshit parts. I want relief from this pain.

29:43

So fat phobic beliefs are protecting you. Also with your fat phobic beliefs, you're holding yourself to a higher standard. Have you noticed how you do that? Have you noticed how we all do this, right? You're like, well, it's fine for other people to be fat. And they look good even. But me? No, no, thank you. And it's not that your body is actually worse than other people's bodies like these other fat people that you're looking at me like, are they so cute, but they, but they are theirs and they have that and they don't have my, you know, tits that hit my knees or whatever, they don't have my belly that's, you know, really big or whatever it is that you're that's, that's so especially bad about your body. So it's not that their bodies are actually worse than your body is that you're comparing someone's you've heard this probably a million times before you're comparing someone's highlight reel to your behind the scenes, these pictures of fat people that you're seeing on the internet, or even if you see a fat person out and about, and you're like, oh, they look so good. You know, they've dressed up. I bet if someone who had the exact same body as you dressed up, they had, they had all the all the Zhing you know, someone had run a comb through their hair in a specific way. They had good lighting, they knew how to pose or someone told them how to pose. That image was edited. You know, off the runway fashion. I'm like, lol, that people get off the runway fashion. Humor me there, you know, some some cool, some cool clothes. If you someone saw someone with the exact same body as you, and also maybe they're wearing Spanx, maybe like well, their tummy is so flat, is it you don't know what's going on? Maybe they're fuckin you know, wrap their body in like 12 inches of bandages to make themselves smaller, you'll know. Anyway, so if you saw that, I bet you'd be like, damn, they look so good. I wish I looked like them. And they have got the exact same body as you. So those people don't look like that 90% of the time. They've they've, they've judge themselves up for a photo to put on Instagram. They're not going to take a photo of themselves when they, you know, they've just rolled out of bed and put it on Instagram, or they even me the way that I present to you is better than what I look like normally. Right? And then on a day to day right? When I'm doing a podcast or doing a video right. So this is this podcast is made in a video. I'll put almost some mascara. I'll pick a top that I think looks nice. I will put on some lippy, I'll make sure that my hair isn't the normal when I wake up, you know how if you have short hair, it's it's slept in and it's in. It's like a there's a big dent in your hair. And your hair is all all over the place. Right? I'm not making a video of me getting out of bed. Draw stains on my face, you know that dried spit? You know those sleepy things in your eyes? smeared mascara, because I forgot to take it off the night before?

33:28

You know, I'm not doing a video like that. Why is the question Why Why don't I do a video like that?

33:37

I'm gonna I'm gonna ponder that, but anyway, I don't right. And so you might be looking at someone like me and be like, Oh, she's so put together or whatever. And, or you might not be thinking that you might be like, she's a fucking mess. But if you are thinking, Oh, well, you know, they're so good. Well, you know, what did they do to do that? And what's their lighting and has someone edited the photos and smooth things out? But the reality of who they are and what they look like is probably closer to that got out of bed or covered in their own faces type of thing. Versus that glammed up version that you're seeing and that you're like, I wish I look like them. They're so beautiful, but not me. And your day to day version is you know, you hanging out in leggings and a sweating jumper or whatever. And they probably are looking more like that too. And so they probably look more like you in the day to day life anyway. Yeah, so we're trying to we're comparing like our our day to day self to an Instagram model. And don't ever forget as well a lot of people on on Instagram. They are very conscious about posing and posing in a really cool way. And so you're looking yourself in the mirror, and you know, arms are by your side then you just standing there. And if you took a picture of someone just standing there, this person that you're like, are they they are attractive and, or not. And they were just standing there, just like standing there in a pose. It's totally normal. But that is not what we see online. And so it's not normal for us to see just like a human standing there in the mirror, or, you know, when you open the camera on your phone, and you get like a shot of underneath the chin, you're like Jesus Christ, why am I so ugly? You know, that's not the pictures that we're seeing online, we're seeing something that's very, you know, edited. I'm not even saying that the images are edited, but, you know, posing in a certain way that's interesting, visually interesting. And then you look at yourself in the mirror, and you're like, I'm not visually interested, in fact, interesting. And, in fact, I'm horrible and ugly and whatever it is that you're thinking. That's why a lot of times when two people do boudoir shots, boudoir shots can be really helpful for people because you have a photographer there who's like a pose like this, who's taking it who's got the good ally, who's able to edit things without you know, making as an edit things as in you know, make sure the colors right or whatever, don't want to like Photoshop you but then they're able to see themselves after a a boudoir shot. They're like, fuck, look at me because they're able to see themselves in the lens that we're presenting bodies all the time. And not saying that that's good or bad. It's just that's just the way it is. of, you know, you're you're holding yourself to a different standard. Right.

Okay, so the next part of this so the first the first part was, you still have fat phobic beliefs. And the next part is that you are maybe a perfectionist. I tell you when I was in recruitment, the amount of times I had to tell people don't fucking say that your weakness is that you're a perfectionist people ever want you to be like, all this fucking golden. When they asked me what my weakness is, I'm gonna tell them I'm just just too fucking dedicated. I'm just such a fucking perfectionist, I'm just on time too much. I'm just too good looking. Like cut that shit out, is bullshit. And if you are a perfectionist, that's not a good thing. Who wants to know, know, if you're using that in your interviews, if you're interviewing for jobs, and that's your what's your, your, your weakness, don't say that you're a perfectionist. And don't say something like, oh, you know, I'm just a piece of shit. And I like to steal. And I actually just play games on my phone when I'm working. You know, some people are like, tell the truth. Don't.

38:00

Don't do that either. So, so being a perfectionist is not a positive thing. It's extends anxiety and fear around being judged. And people say, you know, I'm a perfectionist as in, I have high standards. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm not talking about high standards I'm talking about when you're so afraid of people judging you that you work on something yourself a project, whatever it is, so much so that it's never good enough, you're not good enough, isn't it never can be good enough, because you're striving towards perfection, and that does not exist. And being a perfectionist is that we're trying to control the situation so that others don't judge us harshly. If you are perfect. Others won't judge you harshly is what we are telling ourselves that is not true. Others will judge you harshly whether you're quote unquote, perfect. Or if you are, what's the opposite of perfect imperfect? Well, I certainly say like not imperfect is what I'm trying to say, you know, if you're bad, you know, if you're bad in whatever way that you you construe them. So this means that we often don't take action because we can't be perfect. The situation can't be perfect, we can't be perfect. So if we can't be perfect, we don't hang out take action. And I want to recognize and point out that perfectionism can also be a symptom of a mental health issue. And so if you're struggling with that, then perhaps extra support could be really helpful for you with this with a mental health professional. So with perfectionism, we want to make sure that we are good and Okay, and, and that's fine, right? Like it's not a bad thing to want to make sure that you Okay, and that you're good and that you're presenting yourself in the best way possible. Like, you don't want to be walking out the house with some toilet roll hanging out the back of your trousers, right. But it's not realistic to think that every inch of your fat is disguised. And that your makeup looks so good that it distracts from your fatness, or whatever it is, that your parents is so perfect that people are going to be like, I didn't even notice that you were fat. That used to be a strategy of mine, like try and distract them with various things so that they do not notice that I'm fat. Because I fucking notice I'm fat. Because I'm fat. As I used to do before, now I'm just like, Yo Mama go fat. So we it's okay to want to put your best foot forward, but not to a point where you are not doing stuff because you're trying to manage what other people think.

And also, the idea of waiting to feel perfect, waiting to feel perfectly confident before doing the confident things. So waiting to feel perfect before taking action. We can be prepared but is never going to be perfect. Say if you want to do something that's that's scary for you. That is his his confidence. For example, wearing a swimsuit at the pool. So a lot of people are like, when I'm confident I'll do that or when I'm feeling a bit better. I'll do that when I'm when when when when. And you can prepare like you can like okay, I'll buy a swimsuit that I feel 50% Okay in because I know that I'm not going to feel 100% Okay, and because this is new and uncomfortable, I can buy, you know, a hat or something to try and hide my face if I'm feeling scared, and I can get my friend to come with me. And still people are gonna be looking at me probably won't really give a shit. But I'm still shitting my pants. It's not perfect, but I'm going to do it. But with perfectionism, it's okay, I have to find the perfect swimsuit that I feel like loser when then I have to go on the perfect day to the perfect place and the people who were there they have to look like they are not fat phobic. Maybe if I go in there some if there's fat people, they're only fat people there. And fat people who are not even paying attention to me, they're just reading a book about how awesome it is to be fat, then I'll do it and then I'll feel more confident. Well, that's not gonna fucking happen. So

42:56

yeah, it's no, it's not. It's not good. Okay, so. And then also the idea of that thinking that if you are perfect, you won't get judged. But you're getting judged no matter what. We are getting judged no matter what, no matter if we present ourselves, quote unquote, perfect. Perfectly. Or have we, you know, roll out of bed with that dribble on our face. You know? We're getting judged. We're getting judged. Always you're judging everyone. I'm judging everyone. We're all judging everyone is you know, just a part of society. And it's not like we're walking around being like, oh, fuck you, bitch, or whatever. You know, but we need to make assumptions about people to make sure that they're safe and things like that, and try and work out who they are, before we know them. It's just part of of what humans do. So you're gonna get judged. So just do the fucking thing. No matter what you're going to get judged. And if you want proof of this, think about like the best books ever written, the best movies ever created. Go and check out reviews of them. That book that changed your life. That that film that could not be any better. No matter what. Go check our review. There's going to be so many people being like, now just didn't get it. Now, spit shit. Not my cup of tea. This is the worst film ever. And I've seen all the films in the world. You can't please everyone. So that idea of you need to be perfect. So you need to be perfect. It's okay for other people to be imperfect, aka fat, but it's not. It's not okay for you to be imperfect. aka fat. So that perfectionism, and also those undiscovered, fat phobic beliefs, holding yourself to a higher standard, because you believe that deep down, you believe that you should be thin, if you are the best version of yourself, you should be thin. And that was a big thing for me for a very, very, very long time that I did so much self development and so much therapy. And, you know, my life was seemingly put together and all that type of jazz, but I was not thin therefore, it was evidence that I didn't have my shit together. And if you had asked me at that time, is it okay for other people to be fat? Yes, of course, it's okay for other people to be fat. Of course, and, and so many gorgeous fat people. Oh, my God, is it okay for you to be fat? Well, theoretically, yes. But I don't want to be. And I didn't want to be because I expected more from myself because I deep down believe that actually wasn't okay to be fat, because it wasn't okay for me to be fat, where you can expect extend compassion towards others. And be like, you know, I don't know what's going on in their life, whatever, they do them, nothing to do with me. But we can't extend the same compassion to ourselves whenever, even if even if we deserve it. And we know, we say, Oh, we don't know what's going on with other people and their lives, you know, you can't judge someone. And you're like, Well, I can judge me because I know what I know what my life has been. And then, and then I talk to people who, who are judging themselves and I'm like, hang on a minute. So you're telling me you've done this, this and this, and then this bad thing happened to you, but then you still did this? And then you achieve this amazing thing. And you think that you're a piece of shit because you're fat. This doesn't make sense, because I'm able to extend that compassion to them, but they can't see it themselves. So try and try and see yourself from an outsider's point of view. And you'll probably be like,

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actually, I deserve some compassion. strange lands. Like I'm a human beings something weird. Weird. Yeah. So um, yeah. So that's what I'm that's what I'm thinking about that stuff. Why do you think it's okay for other people to be attractive? And listen, you're fat phobic. I'm fat phobic. We're all fat phobic. You know. Thanks for listening to the episode. And if you feel ready to get serious about this work and want to know when the doors open to fears fattier Academy which is my signature program, where I teach all about how to overcome your fat phobic beliefs and learn to love your fat body, then go to first fatty.com forward slash waitlist again, that is phase fatty.com. Forward slash waitlist to get your name on the waitlist. For when first Mati Academy my signature program opens.