Episode 74 Transcript

Read transcript alongside audio.

Welcome to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm your host, Victoria Welsby and this is episode 74. Today, we're talking about pep talk time - you can love your body.

I'm Victoria Welsby TEDx speaker, Best Selling Author and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self esteem to being a courageous and confident fifth party who loves every inch of this jelly. society teaches us living in a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed? Or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century? So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the first fatty podcast Let's begin.

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Hello, fatty Welcome to this episode. How is life? My life is feeling pretty good. I've got a fidget spinner. Just about 17 years too late on the trend there. You know one of those things is like a three. Can you hear it? Spinning around, hit the mic. I realized like when I'm at when I'm at my desk, I need things to keep me entertained. Keep my hands instead, I also bought a inflatable globe. Because you know, I do mock a bit of geography. I do not have a geography and I want to buff up on my African countries and their capitals.

And so, you know, if there's a particularly boring Zoom meeting, then I'll be holding my globe studying that never happens often. Normally when I'm on Zoom. I'm like talking to really interesting people. So So I have not yet had the chance to touch my globe and look at it. Yeah, so another thing that I'm happy about is this morning a package arrived from Ireland. i The day after I left Ireland two months ago now a piece of fabric arrived for me and I had been waiting a month for already because COVID meant that packages from the UK to Ireland were slow down so it took a month which arrive and then it arrived the day after I left and then so my mum sent me this piece of fabric and it took two months to get to Canada from from Ireland. So it came today I'm so excited. It's a piece of fabric to do some cross stitching.

Now, I took up across stitching during the pandemic and I did a beautiful fuck is fuck. And it's leopard print. You probably see it in the background hang on the wall recently. I also did a something for my my nibbling Molly and M for her room. And now I have the fabric is like an off white color. I couldn't just get normal fabric. How do we just off white color? For to do this? Have you have you seen that image where it's like a medieval it's like a medieval painting. And they're pointing to a field. And added now is the words behold in behold the field in which I grew my fax and notice that it is barren. So I've got that I got that print the the instructions and all that jazz off Etsy and I had to just wait for the fabric so through mom's is how my options always probably take me three months to to sew it because I think it's quite detail but you know, I'm excited. I'm gonna do some fucking sewing on my goal. It's gonna be amazing. And also excited to tell you about this new thing that I've seen. It's called Health sheets. You can find it at Hayes health sheets hazy spelt haitch A E s phonetically hotel Alpha echo, Sierra Health sheets.com So Hays help sheets.com So are you so impressive, but I know the phonetic alphabet because I used to work in a call center so I know the British version. So do you think you're in browsed? That's a Yeah one of my favorites skills I've got so this helps she's thing.

So let me read from website what it is. This project was created based experiences with people who were struggling after receiving receiving a health diagnosis. And then being unable to get weight neutral health care people who were looking for resources to advocate for themselves and others, and people who were looking for resources to use in the healthcare practices, we set out to create a resource library that provided information and options for those who want and those who give evidence based weight neutral care, although they don't fucking love it. And they've got a disclaimer, this website does not provide medical advice. And so the three people behind it, there was a ground given by Aster was it after they gave a grant. No, they got a grant raking just a Dr. Louise Metz and Tiana Dodson these three incredible human beings and you know, and I don't know Dr. Louise Metz, and Tiana has interviewed me before. And obviously Reagan, I'm just, you know, fangirling over her all the time, I actually had had a chinwag with her over zoom, maybe a month ago. And she's like writing and I'm in love with you all the time. And she's like, I'm like that about other fat activists who are older than me. And she says this, and I'm like, Yeah, well, you're like so famous anyway.

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So they've got this library that's just started and they are adding to it. And so if you want information on the health conditions, and this is what they've got so far, heart disease, high blood pressure, high Claris, cholesterol, non alcoholic, fatty liver disease, obstructive sleep apnea, apnea, PCOS and type two diabetes, then they've got these sheets, health sheets, which tells you like, what it is why happens and what you can do, which is not losing weight, and then they have a thing of why we don't advocate for weight loss.

And basically, it's everything that we talked about in this podcast, which doesn't work, it's harmful, blah, blah, blah. But I want to give you like a little snippet overview of type two diabetes because I feel like type two diabetes is the big kind of shame shame stick that fat people are hit with, with you know, you're gonna get type two diabetes and and then if they do get type two diabetes, and it's kind of like word mega mega shame, that I've got this thing, which is, you know, they warned me I was going to get this thing if I'm fat and look at me, I'm so greedy. And I've got type two diabetes, which is how a lot of people feel rightly so because that is what society tells us.

But here's a little overview. So type two diabetes, what causes it? Okay, so this is from health sheets, Hayes health sheets.sheets.com. So, quote, a number of factors can contribute to increased risk of T D two, so TD two type two diabetes. I don't know why, but this seems like the biggest fucking tongue twister ever created. I think it's because it's like two, two to the T looks like a two in my brain. And the D sounds like a two N T is that am I alone with this two, T two d t 2d Okay. TDD

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has continued. A number of factors can continue can contribute to an increased risk of T to D including weight cycling, aka, yo yo dieting and internalized weight stigma. Stigma is a phobia, but to t do is do D Fox psych two, T two T two d, this is a diabetes. Type Two Diabetes is predominantly a genetic condition. Let me read that again. Type Two Diabetes is predominantly a genetic condition. While much fat phobic misinformation floats around you cannot eat your way into type two diabetes. Let me repeat that again. While my while much fat phobic misinformation floats around. You cannot eat your way in to type two dire BTS and it affects people of all sizes. Getting type two diabetes isn't your fault. It does not indicate that you have done anything wrong. It is simply a fairly common health condition. Thank you. Yeah. And then another thing here great. Love it. They put a thing about pre diabetes. I don't know if I've ever spoken to you about pre pre diabetes before. But if not, this is this is anger inducing. So what about pre diabetes if you have pre diabetes loafing on up her pre diabetes is a controversial diagnosis that diagnosis that was strongly lobbied for by pharmaceutical companies, which are currently developing at least 10 drugs to quote unquote treat this condition. Important things to know when discussing the validity of pre diagnose pre diabetes Diag. versus some bullet points. The American Diabetes Association lowered the blood sugar threshold that is considered considered pre diabetic in 2004, and lowered the hemoglobin a one C threshold in 2010, creating about 72 million new cases in the US. These changes were made without adequate adequate research evidence, and were later adopted by the Centers for Disease Control CDC. Under the newest definition of pre diabetes, about one in three people in the US is considered pre diabetic, one in three people are considered pre diabetic.

According to the CDC, fewer than 2% of those gearing this diagnosis a year actually progress to two, type two diabetes, let me read that according to the CDC, fewer than 2% of those given this diagnosis of pre diabetes per year actually progress to type two diabetes. Studies have shown studies have not shown an increased risk of cardiovascular disease in those with pre diabetes. And there is no clear evidence that treating pre diabetes will decrease the risk of progression to diabetes. And something like this is me not what they're saying. I I think that actually even having that diagnosis is two if 2% go on to have diabetes, type two diabetes, the shame and stigma that comes from that diagnosis, which is very controversial, made up thing I would argue is very detrimental towards your health. If you have been diagnosed as being pre diabetic, how much shame do you feel about that? How less how much less shame do you feel about learning about the what it actually is and about one in three people could be diagnosed as being pre diabetic, and you cannot eat your way into being into getting type two diabetes, it is a genetic it's a genetic is genetic genetics, genetics and yo yo dieting and weight stigma that causes it.

So anyway, they have got health sheets about all of those different things heart disease, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, non alcoholic fatty liver disease, obstructive sleep apnea, PCOS, and type two diabetes, more are to come. It's at Hayes health sheets.com I'll put a link in the show notes show notes are visible@facebook.com forward slash 07 for episode 74. So in today's podcast, isn't apparent LANSON up here, now, they're gonna give you a pep talk, or I want to give you a pep

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talk, because so I love asking my audience questions, because I want to know what's going on in your brain. All right, it's been a few years since I haven't like my body, and you know, dieting and all that type of stuff. And so it's really good for me to be be in touch with your brain holes, and know what you think and how you feel and all that type of stuff. So I do like, I do like a good survey. I do like asking questions on Instagram stories, you know, informal polls, and this is not like research as in, you know, scientific research. This is just, you know, asking a few people, what are they thinking? So, you know, not scientific at all, just asking you quit asking your opinion. So recently, I did a few surveys over the Instagrams and I sent a more formal survey over email, if you ever see a survey coming from me answer those questions, because I'll tell you why. Why is, the more I know about how you're thinking, the better I am able to produce content that is valuable for you. Like this content I'm doing today. The Pep Talk is directly because of the information you shared with me over this, the survey, what you told me and I was like her roar, someone needs a pep talk. Because what I found was a reason why people are not doing the work is they they don't trust themselves to do the work and they think that they that it's not possible for them. And I'm like, Um, hello. Excuse me? Yes, yes, you can do it. You can do it. Holy shirts. Like I needed to I need to tell you, I need to tell you but before we get into that me telling you how fucking amazing you are. Before we get into that section. Let me give you a a rundown on what people said, Okay, so I'm gonna get my phone, can you get my phone? Because I've taken screenshots of screenshots of the Instagram stories and we'll go to the the survey as well excuse me go to my photos, so many gorgeous pictures of me. Okay, so All right. I'll tell you the questions I asked one thing ours is random, how many people in my audience have had, quote unquote weight loss surgery or and considering it, and 15% of people on my Instagram, considering or have had weight loss surgery? Because thinking about you know, that episode I did about weight loss is so fucking good. So I'm like, it was so good. And it helped a lot of people and I wonder how many people it is directly affecting? You know, so side note.

Okay, so first question, if you don't like your body, if I can wave a magic wand and make you love your body, what would you do? Also, I'm sharing this stuff so that you don't feel alone, right? I shared the answers to this on my my Instagram stories. And I said, How did that make you feel hearing what everyone else feels and things and people were like, Oh, my God, I thought I was alone in feeling this. I thought I was strange and sad and a loser but I'm not. You know? Okay, so what would you do if I could wave a magic wand to make you love your body? Here are some answers, I would have much more confident, and consequence. Consequently, better sex. I would wear whatever I liked. I would have more sex and my husband, I would finally be happy being single, I wouldn't feel as it as if it was because I was fat. I would feel easier to leave the house and do more things. I'd wear all the amazing clothes I've always wanted to. And I'd have sex without anxiety. I go shopping and straight to the beach. Amazing. I wouldn't waste so much time dieting and working out when I can find me be with friends and families. I would wear other colors than black. I would start dating focus on the rest of my life. I'd never second guess my worth, I'd be confident in my existence, I would pay for a proper massage. I would wear whatever clothes I want and not what is quote unquote flattering. Yeah, so that's what people want to do. When you're really struggling with your body image, what is your internal dialogue? What is your internal dialogue sound like? So the question is, when you're really struggling with your body image, what does your internal dialogue sound like? So this is what people said. The internal dialogue was saying, it's my fault. I have no self control. I'm lazy, I'm unworthy of being found attractive. The world will see me as weak and stupid.

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That I should be embarrassed that I should be embarrassed and ashamed that I am not worthy to be alive because of how I look. In those moments, moments, it tells me tells me it's the reason I'm single. I don't want to be seen by anyone. I want to apologize for existing. My body is ugly. I look like a glob a lump. I'm ugly because I'm fat. Why did you eat that? Why did you eat so much? Why don't you exercise? You need to lose weight. Just lots of insults that have been called around for years. Why did I let myself go? So I'm not gonna read all of them because there's there's so many but they're all pretty much like that. Which is hard, you know.

So next question is what things don't you do because you don't like your body? What things don't you do because you don't like your body? Okay, instigate sex. Enjoy, quote unquote treat food without guilt or shame. By new clothing. Go swimming, take photos of myself. wear tight clothes, have sex move my body. approach people talk to people look people in the eye. Because I'm so ashamed of how I look. I hate being filmed and I should be out doing solo jazz gigs. I avoid people I used to know because I can't stand to wonder what they think of me. Flirt with men. Oh my God, everything. Don't go out. Don't like seeing friends family. Don't date don't have sex. Don't don't wear shorts or tank tops or bathing suits or dresses. Exercise in public dress stylish, participates in sports activities with my children. Wear crop tops take photos Wear that fucker anyway. Okay, so next question. What do you do to try and hide your body so people to try and hide their body they wear back black clothing, clothing, baggy T shirts, long shirts, stay at home, don't go out wear layers. Try to make myself smaller, loose fitting clothes. Nothing I wear comes above the ankle. I tie shirts around my waist a lot. alter my body posture. Put my kids in front of me in pictures, big clothing not going out and not socially interacting. Don't leave my house. I'm surprised by these not leaving your house stuff. Again, there's so many of these that I'm seeing of not not going out because seeing people especially people that you may be used to know when you were thinner. And the shame that that induces and that's really that's really powerful for me because it means people are stopping living their lives. And that sucks. Okay, next question. What does it feel like to have the urge to hide your body? Exhaustion, horrible panic, anxiousness. I feel invisible hidden lonely vanilla ordinary plain. It won't make makes me want to cry with desperation and shame rage at our conditioning makes me feel like shit. So it doesn't feel good to have to try and hide your body, right? No. What impact would loving your body have on your life? Okay, so what impact would loving your body have on your life, I'd be able to document my life more. I never take photos or videos. I'd also have more videos on Instagram. I treat it well. Just not to give it much thought just live life. It would mean complete freedom in so many ways. I would feel free to create the business I dream of I'd be freer, I'd have less anxiety would have more romantic relationships. I'm not sure because I can't even get my brain there. I would show up more in the world. I could spend all that time thinking about more important stuff. Exec family. So yeah, that is what people said in my informal install around poll question. thingamajig is now I did a more formal survey with like buttons on the shirt. Now in this I wanted to get more into you know, how people

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what they're doing what they're doing to overcome these feelings, which are not good. Okay, so 92.6% of people in my audience are fat people. So that's the first thing. How would you describe the way that you feel about your body? So here are some responses, very mixed emotions. Some days I'm okay with it. But most days I hide in hoodies and tracks. Negative but working on it. I don't hate it. But I don't like it either. My big belly is ugly. I hate my stomach and my arms. Working really hard to accept it. But I have always felt it was wrong. Or I was a failure for having a fat body. Ashamed, ugly, unhappy. fear, disgust, trying to accept disappointed uncomfortable, sad, embarrassed way down sometimes okay, but I honestly would entirely change if I could. I don't feel ashamed anymore. But I'm not confident either. I hate my stomach, arms and neck. Don't hate it. I don't love it. Don't hate it rather wish it was smaller. And so I asked, Do you want to learn to love except your body? Because you know, some people don't. And 100% of people said yes. Which I thought was interesting, right? Because not everyone does want to learn to love and accept their body they would rather focus on other things, obviously. Okay, so I asked what describes you best from the following statements and the number one statement 81% of people said, intellectually, I know it's okay to be fat, but I don't like my own body. This is really interesting.

Okay, so in intellectually, I know it's okay to be fat, but I don't like my own body. So many people resonate with that they're like, I can look at other fat people and think they're gorgeous. And then look at my body and be like, is horrible. And so what that tells me is people are educated on fat phobia, the people in my audience, not the world in general, that'd be great. But people in my audience understand that fat phobia is not a good look. But they cannot translate that to accepting their own body, there is a disconnect there. And so I know, I think I know why. And from what I see is that people are getting trapped in the Constant Learner effect. And so this is something that I have a concept that I have created, because I see it all the fucking time is people are educating themselves. Hence, they know it's okay to be fat. But they are not taking action. They are learning, learning, learning, I want to learn about this, I want to learn about this, I want to educate myself, which is great, right? Don't not educate yourself. But then they don't do the things that don't do the things. I've used this analogy before learning how to swim just by reading a book, you're going to know all the theory, are you going to know how to swim? No, you know, you'll be able to stand at the sideline, or like actually tilt your head this way.

But then if someone threw you in and you'd never swam before you drown, right? So, okay, what have you done already to learn to love except your body. And so, the number one response is following fat people or body positive people on social media, the next most popular is read or listen to books, blogs, and other you know, audio books, all that type of stuff. And then the next one is listened to podcasts. Notice how all of this is learning. So these are the mean do these things, right? Do these things, but notice how it's consuming information. And it's not doing and the lowest, okay, so the lowest one is nothing. So some people have said, I've not done anything, that's fine. But then the second lowest is taking a paid course, or other structured learning. And when I say you know, learning when, like, for example, my paid course, fistfight Yeah, Academy. It's, it's more doing than it is learning because you know, you know, a lot of it is your you know, stuff and, you know, I'm going over over different concepts. And then we're doing the work together. And so this is just, you know,

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learning, learning, learning, not doing doing doing so if everyone kind of covered this already. So what is your number one obstacle in learning to love except your body so what do you perceive as the thing that is in your way so people are upset, it's an ugly body. Seeing all kinds of ads for weight loss, creams, diets, etc makes me constantly go back and forth with myself about wanting to lose weight and being okay with where I am giving my body permission to enjoy life, fashion media and hurtful people's comments. Feeling I'm too old to embrace it and have new style that reflects that, that I care what others think of me internalized fatphobia wanting to be skinny and not able to accept myself fear of how others will judge me if I gain weight or don't lose weight, societal standards diet culture everywhere. Chronic Illness and pain keeps me constantly coming back to the idea that if I just ate quote unquote properly, exercise etc. I would be fit and healthy, constant public health messages about this still affect me badly. years of being brainwashed and not fitting into society, MRR MRI chairs, MRI machines, chairs, etc. Okay, sir. Next is question is which of the following best describes which describes what you most desire? So what outcomes so 40% of people said, I want to believe that my body is gorgeous, amazing, wonderful, and be proud of who I am. The next popular one to 22% Was I just want to accept my body and feel at peace with it. And number three here was I want to be confident in my body so that I can do cool stuff like getting a job, friend I enjoy time with my kids or have great sex.

So it sounds like, you know, some people just want to get on with their life and not have to think about their body so that they can do cool shit. And some people want to really celebrate their body and just be like, I want to feel fucking amazing. I want to feel confident. And I want to do the things that confident people do, like, you know, if it's summertime not have to feel like I have to wear a sweater or cardigan to hide my arms or wear those clothes that are more form fitting or brighter or more my personality or, you know, all those different things that people want to have said before have sex and date people. So what has prevented you from enrolling in first party Academy? Which is my pay program? The number one thing here is I don't trust myself to follow through, I don't think I can do way. I don't trust myself to follow through. I don't think I can do it. I was so surprised by that. Because I'm like, Well, of course you can do it like? And I'll tell you why in a minute. Like, it seems to me like a no brainer. I'm so surprised that people I'm kind of like surprised. But then I'm not surprised because I'm like duh, well, obviously, people are struggling to have the confidence in themselves. Because this is the issue that we're trying to work on is having confidence in yourself. So okay, so that's, that's the end of that, you know, the stuff. So, three things I want to talk about here. Number one, is you have to actually do the work to see the results that you want, and not be in constant learner mode. Number two is you need to follow a recipe, a framework, you need to have a guide to help you. And number three, you need to believe in yourself just enough to take that very first step, not the whole thing, you just have to have enough belief to take the first step. Now, this is what I mean about these three things.

So number one, you have to actually do the work and not be in constant learner mode. So as I shared in that survey, most of what people are doing to try and overcome their dislike of their body is learn is learn is is is follow people is

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is listen to podcasts, which is great, listen to my podcast, don't stop listening to podcasts, reading books, which is all great. It's all great, okay, I'm not saying don't do that, do that. And you need to take action. Okay. So with anything in life that you want to do, you can't learn your way into doing things which need practice. Anything, think of any way that you've got skills in your life, you have to practice in some way. I'm sure there's things where you just learn and there is no practice. I'm trying to think of things. But anyway, you know, you driving a car, you can't just read the manual. That's why there's a I don't know, in the in, in North America, but in the UK, you have a theory test. And then you have the practical test. It's no good if you practice pass the practical test. If you pat pat, pass the theory and you're like, oh, yeah, I know what all these old roadsides mean. But then you get in the car and then you run someone over like, that's no good.

And so what so many people are doing is they're like, I'm going to learn the theory, I'm gonna learn a theorem, we learn a theory. And, you know, someone like me comes along and says, Hey, let's How about we jump in the car? And they're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not confident enough to jump in the car. Do you remember the first if you do drive the member the first time you got that, like someone let you sit in the driver's seat? And never you but I was like, you realize that I'm like, See, I had theoretically have control over this thing, which is gonna, you know, potentially kill loads of people and why you let me do this. I have no skills. And then the driving instructor is like, turn the key and like turn in the key you like, how is it gonna explode? And then they're like, put it in gear. Or, you know, I guess in North America, you have automatic so I said you'd still put it in gear, right? And imagine as a British person, we drive stick we drive manual, right? How much harder that is. But also coming to North America.

People always think I'm super cuz I drive Stig that just like, wow, you're like a racecar driver. I'm not Yeah. Anyway, so it was terrifying. They're like, Okay, we're gonna, we're gonna pull off now we're gonna, we're going to drive forward and you're probably in some industrial estate where there's no one around or in a giant carpark. There's no one there, you couldn't possibly hit anything. Maybe a lamppost is like 50 meters away, or something, I don't know. And you start driving, and you're the slowest crawl ever. And the driver and instructor is like, Come on, we need to get you up to 30 miles an hour, and you're like, 30 miles an hour? What are we doing? All right speed? Are you trying to kill us? And my driving instructor was like, come on, you need to go faster? Hey, I need to have at least two miles, you know, slow down to you know, when we get to that junction, I need to start braking before, you know, 10 minutes before because what if I don't and like everyone dies? And it was terrible. It was really hard. Right?

And some people what they do is they in this trying to learn to love their bodies. They're like, Okay, right. I'm ready. I'm going to take action. And they jump in a car. The you know, the, the analogy car that jump in the car with no instructor, no knowledge they've done no, you know, they don't know how to turn the key. They don't know where the indicator is. They don't know about adjusting the mirrors. And they start the car, they put their foot down, and they run over some old lady and then like, never fucking doing well, again. See what happens when I take action? I just killed some old lady is is a bad idea. I told her. I can't do it. Well, yeah. I mean, you need to have a little bit of help. To Roy, you do that. And so when people do take action, they're taking it in the wrong way. You know, with with the swimming analogy, it's like,

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okay, well, I need to learn how to swim. And you know how, what they do with some kids, and they just throw them in the deep end. And they're like, lol, learn how to swim, you know, you're gonna have to learn how to swim. Because if you don't, you're gonna die. And then will you be inclined to learn to swim and have fun in the pool? If you had been thrown into the deep end? And you just had to figure your way out? It would be traumatizing. Yes, there might be some people who are like, I did learn that way. And that was best for me. But most people, you would be like, fuck that I'm terrified of water, I'm never going to swim in and I don't trust that person who threw me in, it's just not a good, you know, good way to do it. Instead, we need to think Latos think Arctos. And that's all we need to think about is thinking toes in the water. We just need about think about sitting in the front seat, sitting in the driver's seat and holding the key and maybe put in the ignition not even turning it on. Okay? So, so you need to get out of that Constant Learner mode, because it's not getting you to where you want to be.

And so many people are okay, if you're if you're in this, there's a reason why I coined this phrase Constant Learner mode, because so many people are doing it. You know, and when I ask people, What have you done, what have you been doing? And they like, Oh, I love this. I love that. Okay, what have you done? And they're like, you know, so you're not alone. If you're doing that, and it doesn't it's not bad, right? It's, is you're not wrong for being in that it makes sense. Because it's scary. You know, it's great if you can learn to drive because what freedom you're you're going to have in life, but it's really scary. And so if we think that we can just learn how to drive, or learn to live our bodies by reading a book, and by not taking the action, do you think we're just gonna read that book? How fuckin yes, we could just gonna read the book. Because taking action is scary. And people might die. Well, you know, if you learn to love, love your body, people are probably not gonna die. I don't ever feel like so next is having a framework having a map having a recipe. And so, if you have the recipe so for example, in Finsbury Academy, I have the fears framework, and each letter of fears is an acronym for the work that we do in that module. So f is feelings Foundation, okay? And so each and then, you know, you don't need to know all the letters, but each letter is a step in the process, a recipe how to get from A to B, a map. Okay, I've laid it all out for you. I said, because I've done it before, and I've helped people do it. This is what we need to do. We need to do 123 A, B, C. Now have you been trying to get from A to B without a map without a frame? Without a recipe, and you know, I hate cooking okay, I'm really bad at cooking I can avoid cooking in any way shape or form. Great. I mean, I can pour myself some cereal for me that's, you know, as good as cooking I want to do so cooking recipes you could probably make say, like I'm say, I could probably make Who the fuck am i kidding? i There's no way in hell, I could probably make any type of anything without a recipe. I think there's one thing that I might be able to make Nutella cheese cake, mix them Nutella with some cheese. And then you've got a cheat. See, I told you this, but Okay, so you need to have a recipe. And imagine if you you have this recipe, it's in front of you, okay, you just print it out from the internet. And it's really complicated. They're like fucking cordon bleu. This, I can see that. You that whatever. And you're like, I ever know what I don't even know what series I don't even know what this again, what is this bachelor?

But you really want to do this, this recipe and it's kind of complicated. Same maybe, as you know, learning to love your body. So you can have a recipe. But then what if an expert chef was just like, hello, I'm just in your kitchen hanging out. And I'm gonna help you make that beautiful cake that you want to make. And here, let me help you. Let's go through the recipe step by step. And then it would be even easier, wouldn't it?

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Wouldn't it be even easier? So a lot of people are trying to do this work without a recipe. And, and so they're trying, they're trying, they don't have a recipe. They're thinking, Okay, well, maybe I'll try this. Maybe I do that maybe I did it. And then they they open the oven. And they've just got a big fucking mess. You know, they realize that they left the plastic on the chicken when they put it in the oven. My sister did that before. Or they thought that they could grill a salad. My friend did that before. She crece grilled chicken salad, because she's like, I want to melt the cheese on the salad. And she had some boy round and he wasn't impressed. So but if they had followed the recipe, the instructions if they had a map, then it would have been so much easier. And it would have meant that they weren't like alpha fucks like I'm not I'm not cooking again. This is bullshit. Back in what you know. And next time they're like, Okay, well I should actually turns out that if you don't put flour on the cake, then it's not gonna do cake shit, you know? Yeah. So next number three of this is you can do it. You can do it. Here's the thing what people are are experiencing. Learning to love your body when you've spent so many years hating. It seems like I have just dropped you at the base of Mount Everest and said, climb that. gone off you go see like a good luck. Yeah. And are you wearing flip flops? Fuckit just fucking climate gone.

And so they're like, I can't Hello, if Mount Everest. I'm wearing flip flops 10 minutes ago, I was just watching something cool on Netflix. And you're telling me I need to climb up Mount Everest. It is a fact that I can't. And that would be reasonable. You haven't trained, you know what the fuck to do? You're wearing flip flops. So the thing is, that is not that is not what's happening. And that is not the right way to look at it. The right way to look at it is. Let's break this down to the tiniest thing that's achievable. And that is all you need to do. Okay, so I'm going to come to you and I say okay, so let's climb up Mount Everest. So you actually wanted to Word The First step be to go to the base of Mount Everest and just start going going at it and hoping for the best. Now, the first step would probably be I'm going to google how to climb Mount Everest and would read a blog. Okay, so the first step is Googling something. Can you Google Have you ever Googled anything in your life ever? What's that? Yes, you have? Well, Holy fucking shit. You are a success. You have done it. Oh my God. You're an expert Google, you've probably Googled like 10 things in your lifetime. Oh, my more more than two things. Oh, holy shit. We're in for right now. You're just a Google impro. So, can you Google something? Yes. Okay, great. Step one done. Okay, next. Okay, maybe I'm going to read this blog post about what it's like to climb Mount Everest, what it's like to hike as a fat person. Alright, okay. So, next is, I need to pick a date of when I want to climb Mount Everest. Am I going to make it next week? No, that's not achievable. Let's make it two years from now. So next step is just to pick a date. Can you calculate what is two years from today? You can you have? Yeah, you have Hang on, wait a minute, you have access to a calendar.

And you can pick a date. Two years from now hang on, you can add to to this current year to make a year that is to whites. Fuckin Albert Einstein over here. Whites. You doing it? Alright, you've completed the next step. Okay, what's the next step after here? Buy some clothes. Okay, we're gonna, first off, don't even think about the whole outfit. Let's just start with a hat or some gloves. What gloves do you wear when you're climbing Mount Everest? And what do you do to find out what gloves? Something? You're an expert at? Google that shirt. All right. Okay, so you go through all these steps that tiny steps, what gloves to wear.

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Pick a day, all that type of stuff. And then you get into the more serious stuff of okay, well, I need a guide. I need someone to help me. Okay, we need to get to base one. Okay, this is what we do, right? And so the thought of climbing Mount Everest is a massive thing, right? It's a massive thing. Maybe you've never done it before. Chances are you haven't. And it feels impossible. But is it possible to do a little bit of googling? Yeah. And so that's what you need to look at is you need to look at that first step. And you need to remember that all already in life you've achieved so fucking much. It's incredible. You already done hard things. So it's not like you are not capable. You're not the type of person to do things. That's not true. And you might say, well, Vittorio, haven't done anything good. Yes, you have like, Have you ever? I don't know. brushed your teeth. Have you ever spoken to someone made a friend had a job or anything, these are difficult things you were not born knowing how to do that stuff. As a as a child, imagine as a child, you were told, okay, you're gonna go have to get a job. You were like, Oh, I don't know how to do that. Resume CV, what is that? I can't even write yet. You have to learn how to write, you have to learn how to communicate, you have to learn how to position yourself, you have to learn how to talk to other humans, you know, all of this stuff. And you're like, you know, we poopoo these things like, whatever, I got a job one time or whatever, I brush my teeth at one time. You know what, you know, no big deal. It is a fucking big deal. It shows that you're capable of doing these incredible magic things. That was me dropping like my fidget spinner thing. So you've already done so many amazing things. But you know, when we achieve these things, like whatever, you know, all these great achievements in your life, not great. Young got a job or, you know, my sister just texted me this morning. She says she's been going through these interviews to get a higher band position. She's a she's in addictions, mental health stuff in Ireland. And it's really hard. It's very competitive to get a higher band as in making more money, more responsibility, that type of stuff to get a promotion basically. So she's going through these different interviews and she's she's not been successful because it's so, so competitive. And then she texts me this morning saying she got this higher band job, and now she's going to design a new addictions center that will help so many people save so many lives.

And then she's like, Oh, but I feel bad because someone else I went for the job and they didn't get it, and I got it. And, you know, and she's always she's already kind of not Pooh poohing her achievement. But, you know, having these, these negative thoughts around it, and I'm like, fucking hell, you were, you know, turned down for different jobs and you kept trying, he did it. And it's an incredible achievement, and you should feel proud of yourself instead of feeling guilty. And, you know, we do this all the time with things that we've achieved. And you know, even with like my TEDx talk, I'm like, look back on my TEDx talk, and I'm like, oh, there's so many things that I don't like about it now. And there's words that I've used in there that are, are not aligned with with who I am today. And oh, it's just, I don't have in those types of feelings about it. But holy shit, did I work so hard to do that. And it's so easy to forget it and be like, well, Mills is one word. I said that I wouldn't say now. Therefore, the whole thing is just garbage. Not, you know, you've done so many things. And so when you did those things, no matter what it was, what? What did you have to believe in yourself? In order to do that? What did you tell yourself? How did you position yourself for success? And it's can be hard to remember that. But were you? Did you just know, okay, I can achieve it? Or did you just be like, Okay, well, I'm just going to take the first step. And I'm just going to whatever I with my TED Talk, giving a TED Talk seemed ridiculous. Like, I did this. So the first thing I did is I

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got an email from someone saying, Oh, my friend is doing this course, about how a free course, it's like a five day course, about honing your message for TED or something. And so that was the first step, just doing this free five day course. And then oh, then I bought her her full course. And her full course wasn't how to get a TED talk, her full course was, how to apply how to craft your message. Okay, so that's the next step. And then the next step after that was make a two minute video for the application process. And each one of these steps can take a while, right, you know, making a two minute video for the application process that that take a fucking long time because I had to read it about 50,000 times because to get it under two minutes, it's really hard. And it was like two minutes and one second, and that was too long. And was I fluffing up what I was saying and had to retake and all sorts of, yeah, it took a long time, you know, because if we look at it, just make a two minute video that's too big. Let's just break it down.

Okay, first thing, write a script. Not even write a script, write the first sentence, write the first word, you know. So and as well, this stuff is really hard because I mentioned before we spent years believing this and maybe everyone around you thinks that it's bad to be fair and and you don't know anyone who's doing this stuff maybe I'm the only person that you know is who is fat and doesn't think that their body is bad. And so it's so alien but then when you become more literate in fatphobia and then you start taking action you will see these massive shifts you know, you know people say all the time i i start i understood diet culture and then I saw it everywhere and you'll become you'll become better at dealing with it and navigating it just like anything. Just like starting anything new it's scary and it seems impossible. And you know, I think about the first time that I start work I started working in a bar when I think I just turned 18 And I I went I got a job in my you know, a kind of a bar that was like open until like maybe one or two in the morning and I'm so shy I don't even know how I got the job because I was probably like crying with nerves you know really shy and and then my first day I remember hiding behind the bar when people came to the bar because I was too scared to talk to them to the day that I left and you know, gladly doing things like I don't know enough about North America you do this but you have a bell in your ring last orders. Last orders at the bar please. And being able to do that. Like just got my knock at a door. knock on my door. phone ringing because I got a something Post, Evelyn dribbly of intuitive eating has sent me a copy of her new book, which I am in, oh my god. So that's exciting. Want to where I am, this is the pitcher or me, there's no picture of me in it. It's probably just me as a resource to follow but if I can, the founder, the creator, co creator of intuitive eating the work, and the the concept, knows who I am, and added me in the new book. So intuitive eating for every day 365 daily practices and inspirations to rediscover the pleasures of eating. There's a book Oh, so exciting, self compassion, day 136 self soothing Touch. Touch is an incredibly powerful way to help us self soothe. The simple act of touch activates part of the nervous system, the parasympathetic system, which helps you feel safe and calms distressing emotions. Parents instinctively trigger this reaction when they pick up a crying baby and rock the little one in their arms. There's also another biological bonus at touch, it releases the cuddle hormone, oxytocin, which plays a role in social bonding and reducing stress. Here are some ways to explore self soothing touch. Run your finger the finger so your scalp, place your hand on your heart. Rub the back of your head where your skull meets your neck. Give your shoulder rub with your opposite hand. Kim, am I gonna and I'm gonna read this shit. Look at my name in it. So exciting. Anyway, I like the colors in it too. It's

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like neon orange. I do love a fucking orange and green. Okay, so anyway, I'm gonna look at that later. While I'm not recording a podcast episode. Anyway, what I'm saying is ringing the bell for last elders at the bar, you know, my last shift. And I remember once you know them saying Can you ring the bell for last orders? And you have to shout really loudly. And this is big giant bell. And it means that people might look at you and I was just like, remembering last orders? And they were like, No, you have to fucking shout. Yeah, and I you know, I did it. And at the end, I was a certified bar wench pulling pints having banter with the customers. Did I even have sex with one of the customers? No, he was a colleague. Yeah.

Anyway, so overcoming things, you would overcome things. So the reason why I'm telling that story. At the beginning, it was I literally hid from customers at the end, I was basically sucking their knobs. And did I think that that was possible? No, I was thinking I just need to make some money. And holy shit. I can't believe I'm doing that I even drank I mean, I even before my first shift went into a bar and drank a glass of wine like that. Now I'm like, why would I do that? So weird, like 18 year old girl, just go into a bar, have to drink something before. I feel like I've never done that before or after, but I was just so scared. I need something to make it possible for me. So I just really half cut when I went. So funny. company that anyway. So in conclusion, the owner you have to actually do the work. Instead of being in constant learner mode, too, to follow a recipe, okay? Expect that if you don't follow a recipe or framework, have a guide someone to help you. It's going to be a lot more difficult. It's probably going to go titsa it's probably not gonna taste good. It's maybe it's gonna, maybe it will traumatize you. I don't know. It's possible that you can do it without the recipe, but it means that you're going to have to have lots of trial and error as trial and error. A lot of it and that's how I got there. A lot of trial and error and it took so long, right? waste, waste, waste, waste of time, wasted time and effort. And if I could go back to Victorian the past, but don't listen, just get someone to help you do this. Better. So I've said this before so many times. I'm like I'll just hack this. I'll just work out what they've done to get that success from what I can see on the surface. So many times I'm like I'm not buying a course to help me. I'll just see what they did and just quit Hear, I did that so much of my business?

And then like, years later, paying 1000s of dollars to kind of recreate the shit that I thought that I knew, but I didn't know. Cuz I was just No, no, because I follow a recipe. And number three, you need to believe in yourself just enough to take the first step, just take the first step, the first step, don't look at the whole mountain. We don't even need to look at it, we don't need to consider it. We don't need to think about it. We don't need to work out how we're gonna get to the top. We need to work out how to put the how to take that first step. What is it? And is probably first step a lot of times is just to Google something right? To learn to learn what the next step is, and don't even think about Don't you think about it? Don't you think about thinking okay, well, but then what is a fight? Or what how do I get to a final but I need to know, I need to know how we get like you can have an overview of the process but don't think about like how am I gonna How am I going to get like, but we really need to know how am I going to peak you know, do the summit I need to know how we're going to summit how we're how we're going to get to the top I you know in that film, Everest, I remember that's where you know those people you know, they died at the top. So am I going to die at the top end tomorrow about the diamond top of Mount Everest, you just need to worry about googling. How do I climb Mount Everest, okay? Don't get in your head about this stuff. Just do that first step. And you can do it. You can do it. You've already done so many amazing fucking things in your life. You don't even realize and if you're saying no, I am a Victoria. Are you alive?

1:01:42

Are you you're alive. You've survived. However many years you've been on the planet and you're not there yet. How many other people can say that they survived as long as you that is an achievement. Because life is fucking hard. Okay, so even if you're alive, and that is the only thing that you say you believe that you've done? I don't believe it. I think your beauchene that still incredible. Especially last year Holy Cow carrying a shirt. Wow. So yeah. Okay. Are you feeling pepped? Are you feeling pep talk? Are you getting ready to go out onto the onto the American football field and do some American football things? Like what a coach would do to you? Yeah. You ready to do some chest bumps? Yeah. Or is Marilyn Wan email emailed me and she did. Belly bump? She did two. What are they? What are they? What are they called? You know, when you do brackets, I say brackets. But then the two brackets are facing each other. So they look like they're doing a belly bump. fat belly bump. That's all I'm giving you right now. fat belly bump. Just don't worry about anything. Just Do It For Me fun. Okay, okay, good. So, anyway, okay, I'm gonna go in look at this book and tell my mom but I'm in this book. Like what? What are you talking about?

Thanks for hanging out with me today. I so appreciate the show notes for that link to the Hayes health sheets 074 And yeah, stay first party and I'll see you later thanks for listening to the episode and if you feel ready to get serious about this work and want to know when the doors open to fears fatti Academy which is my signature program, where I teach all about how to overcome your fat phobic beliefs and learn to love your fat body. Then go to first party.com forward slash waitlist again that is phase fatty.com. Forward slash waitlist to get your name on the waitlist. For when first Mattie Academy my signature program opens