Episode 182 Transcript

SUMMARY:

• Fat phobia during the holidays. 0:00

• Boundaries and dealing with difficult family members. 4:58

• Body shaming and setting boundaries in a fat-phobic family. 11:26

• Setting boundaries and respecting them. 17:00

• Overcoming past trauma and effective communication. 22:42

• Dealing with friends who promote diet culture and body shaming. 27:53

• Body image, diet culture, and eating disorders. 34:02

• Boundaries and responding to hurtful comments. 39:10

• Assertive responses to body shaming comments. 44:31

• Setting boundaries and communicating needs. 51:10

• Setting boundaries during holidays with fatphobic friends and family. 57:26

• Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. 1:02:54

• Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships. 1:09:09

• Setting and enforcing boundaries in personal relationships. 1:13:29

• Setting boundaries and self-care. 1:19:48

• Setting boundaries with family members. 1:23:57

Read the transcript alongside the audio.

You're listening to the Fierce Fatty podcast episode 182: Dealing with fatphobic family during the holidays. I'm your host, Vinny Welsby. Let's do it.

Hello, and welcome to this episode. So nice to see ya. How you doing? How's life? You good? I'm good, good. Good, good, good, good, good. My ring light is not working today because I have a multiple USB connector and that has broken as of yesterday. So I can't have my mic and ring light on at the same time. So if you watch on YouTube, you might be like very wise about lighting so bad. It's because I have just just a mechanic's light on me and the ring light. I don't know what the ring light does. But it's just you know, it seems like it's tiny, light source, but it just packs a punch. So if you're in the video recording world, a ring light, a ring light is better than a lamp or a normal light bulb. insider information for you. Oh, my goodness. Hey, have you noticed how the first time the podcast is becoming less frequent? And it's sometimes just one episode a month or once or twice a month? Well, the reason for that is because I am working to fund the podcasts. So we have Kofi KOF. I, which is kind of like Patreon, where you can donate to the podcast. And because I've been making the podcast for maybe four years now. We're at 192 episodes. And for that whole time, I've been paying to produce podcasts myself, which I worked out how much it was I've paid to write the vodcast. And I was like, Oh, God, oh, no, it was a lot. I can't remember what it was. But it was a lot anyway. And so I worked out kind of like bare minimum costs is to make four episodes of the podcast $680 a month. So that's why because our donations at Kofi is at just being able to fund one episode a month currently. So if you would like me to go back to doing two, three, even four episodes a month, and you enjoy the podcast, and you've listened to more than a couple of episodes, and you would like to fund fats content, then go to the go to my Kofi The link is in the show notes. We're currently at $290.39 subscribers to my Kofi a month. And so to get to two episodes a month is $340. So, if we can get to $340 so that's only another $45 That's only another nine people that's do $5 Is that nine people 24689 Yeah, like I have I just screwed up that mouth and someone's like, Vinny, it's seven wasn't my No way, another nine people to do $5 a month, or you can do more 1020 and you get perks for that you get cool, good shit, good, good stuff for that cup of tea with the perks are going to Kofi and I would have told you on kofi, you're going a slice of ice resource guide and other stuff. So $340 And we can do two episodes a month. So we close we close and we got there like a month for a month and then there's a catch 22 but less episodes that I make, the less often you're gonna hear the message to hey, if you want to donate on kofi and therefore people donate less and therefore I make less episodes so it's a real catch 22 And for most of the podcast I've been you know, funding it myself and so it's I don't I don't I don't know anyway, if you'd like this stuff I'll stop talking because I feel like I know a bit awkward saying give me money. Anyway,

Vinny Welsby 4:41

talking about fat phobic people during the holidays, maybe not just family but anyone you know, I know in a know in America in the US you have Thanksgiving, like a month before you just just had it when I'm recording it like a month before Christmas. But I as a British person who lives in Canada and Canada. We have Thanksgiving in October, I think because I don't celebrate it. It's not part of my cultural background to be bothered about Thanksgiving in any way I wouldn't because of colonialism. Anyway. Long story short, what I'm trying to say is I really don't think about gatherings until like, December time. And so I'm sorry for those of you have already had gatherings depending whatever your cultural background is. There's lots of gatherings and religious holidays and cultural holidays between November and January. So it's not just the North American Catholicism that's going on. There's also many other different holidays, for example, like Kwanzaa Did you know Kwanzaa is a week long celebration that goes from 26th of December to the first of January, so one week, culminating on the sixth day, which is the 31st of December, where they have a feast and Kwanzaa was first created in 1966 by a activist who I can't remember his name. Coringa brain Thank you. Something Kirinda in response to the Watts riots in the watts, riots was something riots that happened near La, where as a response of, to police brutality, and so Kirinda wanted to make a celebration where people who are black, specifically African American, could celebrate their, their culture and traditions and move away from what Ranga saw as the white holiday of Christmas. And you will see, Kwanzaa celebrated like different symbols. The main one that you might recognize is a seven candles together, three red, three green and one black. And there's gift giving, and there's different celebrations every day. Anyway, it's just learning about Kwanzaa information download. Anyway. So if you're like, if you're about to celebrate Kwanzaa, and you've got some dickhead, fat phobic family, because we know those fat bugs are everywhere, right? And you're like, Oh my God, what do I need? What can I do? Or any time of the year actually dealing with people who you might not see often or you might have relationships where it's a little bit more difficult than your friends? Or your partner you might have be able to have more frank discussions with those. So I asked people on the Instagrams tell me if you've got any questions if you want to share in experiences going so I'm going to share those I'm gonna be talking about boundaries I'm going to be talking about when people say that you're too sensitive and Stop overreacting all I said that was you. All I said was that you are disgusting, why you're offended by it. You're so funny. And I did for word tracks what you can say different levels of word tracks in regards to how you might escalated how you might act on a boundary Hard and Soft boundaries sign someone doesn't respect your boundaries. Oh, somebody's got stuff to do. We have staff and boundaries, boundaries feel really close to my heart, because I don't know about you. But for most of my life, I have been a timid, a timid people pleaser. And there's no way in the world I would be saying, oh, excuse me, can you stop saying that to a family member especially like, you know, when an aunt or uncle or you know, my dad or something? No, I will just leave and then slag them off behind the back, you know, like a normal person. But, annoyingly, because I've been, I've been in therapy for so many years, I've tried to be a better person barring and trying to be better with my communication and have better relationships. So I no doubt on boundaries and because unfortunately, if you have marginalized identities, you will have to probably do this work, which is not fair. You know, that you're the one who has to do a lot of the work. I talked with, I talk with someone with one of my friends the other day. Madison and you know, talking about how we feel like the black sheep sometimes in relationship dynamics as in like, the one doing the work and sometimes other people are not doing doing the work and it can feel really isolating and make you feel like is there something wrong with me? Like, Am I overreacting? Am I too much? Am I too demanding or whatever? Anyway, so we'll talk about that today. Okay, so your experiences, but a couple of quick comments, parents commenting to me, you're going to eat all that. Any changes to my body appearance? They comment on. Party says no one says anything to me but they do to my son. It pisses me off and he's a grown man. And I said to Patty, oh, my goodness, that's awful. What types of things would they say? And they say to Pattison, boy you're getting big asking if he's still exercising. He was a high school athlete. You know, we just want you to be healthy bull crap essentially. I'm learning to love my size but I'm not sure he's in that headspace people can be awful, especially family. Yeah, yes. Why is it family? Why is it family? It's I find that strange. I felt like maybe they feel like they have the right to do it. And they you know if you've had that dynamic younger with your you know a sibling and they're like, Oh, you're you're fat or whatever. Then they probably feel like it's okay as an adult to maybe what they view as tease you like it's in joke or something. Or that they have a right because their family and they just quote worried about you? I don't know. Yeah, family do seem to be the most. When I talk to people. When I talk to my clients when I do one on one coaching. It almost is the family that's the biggest problem. There's a Reddit thread here, which is Reddit plus size. Careful on Reddit because Reddit fat phobic community is is alive and kicking. But there are some fat positive communities on Reddit anyway, this person made a post kind of just a maybe a little bit more of a rant. fat phobic family and the holidays. I have been waiting wanting to post this for a while I have been in a larger body all my life and have realized in the last year just how fat phobic my aunt's are. The real gag is they are and have always been larger than I am. I am sort of a black sheep because I'm the only one of the cousins as my cousins and I call us who doesn't follow the status quo and and abide by what they think I should do with my life. Yeah, black sheep thing again, but in the last year, I underhanded the underhanded comments have been have intensified with my sister's weight loss. If I wear something quote scandalous one of my aunts were to wear I'm wearing a revealing when revealing clothing. I'm asked if I would feel more comfortable wearing leggings under a dress or a tank top to cover my chest. When my sister does it. It's all of the praise in the world to be clear. I look good as fuck and everything I put on baby in capital letters. Yes, my dad says that they are jelly of my self confidence. So thanks Dad. One of my cousins notices it to his husband lost 40 pounds. And you think this man was a God by the way they treat him now. My sister sees it too. Now we cousins have noticed a lot of their bullshit and stay away from them a lot. I'm really debating on if I want to go to Thanksgiving dinner to see the rest of my family who doesn't treat me that way and put up with my aunts I have several and their bullshit. I've warned my mum the next one who tries me I will not hold back and that I have have only kept my true feelings to myself. Out of respect for her. And love I have for my cousins. She told me to beat my peace. I hope I don't have to because they cannot handle what they dish out. So this was on posted nine days ago just before this Thanksgiving. And people are saying I'm sorry. And you know, perhaps you can say this and the poster said, Oh, I've kept my mouth shut for long enough. I'm not in short supply of responses. I just have to try and tone it down. So it sounds like this person's like, up to their limits. And just being like is going to be like fuck a one person says don't go Oh, no one person says go don't give up on the rescue family because of a couple of assholes who can't get their mouth shut. My only suggestion would be at the first comment. Give them one warning to knock it off with the remarks then if they continue, and they will let them have it. You don't have to do this of course but at least they can walk they can't whine when no one said it wasn't appropriate. Please come back to back on the invent never will tongue lashing that you give them. And this the OP said LM Anna lm a oh it's been brewing for 30 for some 30 something years. Yes.

Someone else commented if you want to save energy, just say wow. In response to that comments increase the volume of the WoW as needed. That makes me think of Oh Who is that one? That Back to guy. And he says, Oh, wow, I need to google it now. Oh, wow. Oh, it's Owen Wilson. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's that. So that's a technique that is a technique. Okay, so we got some questions. How do I handle multiple people calling me dramatic ganging up on me when I set boundaries? So this person is like, Oh, give me more. Tell me more. What do they say? It's exactly. So this person said, usually I get passive aggressive comments on my body such as, What was the last time you worked out? That nothing passive. Aggressive grows? When's the last time you worked out? Or because I'm getting married? Soon? I've had comments like, Oh, you better watch, watch out so you can still fit in your wedding dress, my eye roll in my eyes, go back roll back in my head any further. That'd be like slot machine when you win the jackpot. Recently, my boundaries have been very direct, like, Please don't talk about my body. Or I'll appreciate it. If you didn't ask me those questions. The responses I usually get are about how dramatic I am. For context. I'm the only person in my family who sets boundaries and calls out anything problematic. So they're usually lumping those comments about boundaries in with others, I've set nonrelated to fat phobia as well. Black Sheep thing, I will usually get a couple of family members all talking directly to me defending their comments on my body and telling me that I am quote, taking them the wrong way. Or, quote, mean no harm, they mean no harm. And then if I don't back down on my boundary, they will become angry as if I'm calling them a bad person. Oh, wow. This is Oh, this is so difficult, right? Anything is okay. So boundaries aren't about controlling how other people behave. It's a guideline to help you understand how you should behave, to feel good, right? You make a request. These people have clearly not only have they denied your request, but they are attacking you for having a very simple request. Don't talk about my body. What is it? You're saying? Please don't talk about my body. I mean, yeah, it's not you're like you're saying, hey, please, can you just stop breathing? You know, it's a very reasonable request. And even the most people who don't get, you know, body liberation would be like, Yeah, we should, we should probably stop talking about bodies, like it's not far left field, you know, or right field or whatever, whatever the saying is. So, being too sensitive to boundaries, you know, I like a good analogy. So I've come up with an analogy of what I think that this is kind of like so let's imagine that you have a bunch of donkeys. Christmas donkeys. Oh, like Dominic the donkey. You know that song? Ching Ching Hee Ha he hides dumb and Nick the donkey touching anything. He ha Hee ha the Italian Christmas donkey. La la la, la la la la la, la La, la, la la la la la. Take him take him dub them? That's a real good, that is a banger? That is a Christmas banger. Anyway, so you've got Dominic the donkey, the Christmas donkey in your field. And some of Dominic's pals. All right. So you have a field. It's an open field. Dominic and his pals. The donkeys hanging out there just having a good donkey life. Right. People in the area, come into the field uninvited. And start writing Dominic stealing Dominic's friends, pestering them, you know when you're and they stick their fingers in their mouth, and they put grass up their nose, just really just annoying them. So one day you put up an electric fence, because you're like Dominic deserves to live in peace. All right. People come to the field. There notice a electric fence. They get zapped. And they are like, wow. Like, what's his face? Owen Wilson. Wow. So Owen Wilson comes to the field and says, Wow, that's an overreaction. All I'm doing is coming in given Dominic some cases and you've got no electric fence and I just got zapped by it. So what they didn't see is the multiple times that you came to them and said, hey, you know what Dominic doesn't like it when you pull his ears and jump on his back. And his friends don't like it either. And, you know, also people have taken him taking his friends back to their house. And you know, and they're like, Ah, whatever. We're going to do what we want. And then you put up signs, you said, Hey, don't pull Dominic's ears, leave them alone. And they ignored the signs. And the only the first time that they really heard you, was when you put the electric fence. Because the other time, so just didn't think that you were serious. And so their interaction with the electric fence to them seems shocking, because it is they it's shocked them literally. And it seems like what the hell, I'm just having night of the donkeys all of a sudden, they've said, You can't touch the donkeys. And I'm just like what, but that's not your experience or Dominic's experience, right. And so it is to be expected that they are going to have a oh my god, you're so sensitive, because there's been a breakdown in communication of understanding each other. Eventually, you know, the people will come to the field, they'll stay behind the fence, because it's electrified, the donkeys will be happy. And then you'll probably you know, they'll learn that they can't go into the field, that's just not you know, they're gonna get electrocuted. Eventually, one day, you might decide to put up a wooden fence. And because people have learned that that is the boundary to the field. You don't need that electric fence anymore. There's a wooden fence and they just respect it. They understand what it represents. So initially, the boundary will feel shocking. And that's to be expected. But then people will learn the rules of engaging with Dominic and his pals. Eventually, maybe one day, you might decide, I'm going to open up donkey tall so that people can come and give Dong give Dominic a little pat and give stroke his hair and braid his hair or whatever. And then you are overseeing the situation and make sure they're not, you know, yanking on his tail or whatever. Right? You might decide to do that or not. Or another scenario is that you pull up the electric fence, they get zapped, and they're like, Oh, my God, you're so unreasonable. And they come the next day with wire cutters and cut down that electric fence and just go into the field anyway and do what they want. That's the scenario that happens most of the time is that when people stay at a boundary, people are like, Oh, my God, that's You're overreacting. And they just overstep the boundary anyway. Or we feel guilty. And we say, I made a mistake. And you take down the electric fence. I'm being too sensitive. Because the people outside have convinced you. Is it so bad? That I put my finger up Dominic's bum? He doesn't mind it. It's just a finger. You know? And then you're like, Oh, Ah, I don't know. And when it's not about Dominic, and it's actually about us, it makes it even harder. Being like, wow, I should I should probably just accept that finger up the bum. will have my ears pulled. You know? In the obviously these these are analogies for words. The other side of this as well, is that learning about overstating harm. So let's imagine, you know, you put the electric fence up people, you know, breaking anyway, and you're like, Fuck this. And so you move you move your your farm and Dominic and his friends to somewhere else completely different. You see someone in your new field and they're walking up to Dominic, your reaction might be Get the fuck out of the field, leave Dominic alone, I can't believe you did that you are terrorizing me by being in this field. I'm you're breaking the law, I'm going to call the police. That might be your reaction, because of the terrible experiences that you have previously experienced. Right? You might immediately put up a fence. And so immediately, you know, saying, Oh, that person that has come into the field or might say if you immediately put up a fence even though no one's doing anything to Dominic. That could be like overstating harm.

And this could be a trauma response. Or it could be because previously you've not been heard and so you've had to shout now. So it's kind of like say if you cut your arm, you've got a really sore sensitive arm and someone brushes by you, and it really stings. And you snap and you're like how dare you you've really hurt me and they have really hurt you. But it wasn't necessarily them that caused the initial harm, even though that they have also contributed to the harm that you're feeling right now. So the state of harm might not be in line with the actions of the person, but as a result of your past trauma. So to be an effective communicator, we want to try and not overstate harm, or ascribe the full power of the harm that has happened just then to that one person when there's a background of harm. So, here's an example like real life example. There used to be I used to work at this, I used to work at this company, like, I used to have a job. And there was this one guy who worked in a kind of like an open office. And there was this one guy, he was just a fucking knob. He was a bell, and he was really mean, and he would say, cruel things to people all the time and make fun of them and just be really dominant around the office and just belittle people. Anyway, so he was doing this stuff to me, I was new. And I was my therapist. What should I do? My therapist? What should I do about this guy? You know, and why is it so triggering for me? Wow, it's so triggering for me, because I've had past experiences with an abusive relationship. My dad is, was a very domineering bully type person. And so after talking with my therapist, I decided that I would take this guy aside, and I said to him, Hey, can we just talk privately? When I said that he was like, Vinnie wants to talk to me in private. Maybe they want to get with me or something like that. I can't know what you said. But I was just like, You're such in my brain. You're such a fucking dickhead. Anyway. So when I went out the back, I said, Hey, listen, I just want to go, Is it okay? If I share a little bit about my history with you? And he says, Yeah, sure. And I said, Hey, I used to be in an abusive relationship. My dad was very domineering. And so sometimes when you say these things, because of my past past history, it can be a little bit more triggering for me than it might be for other people. So I'm wondering if you could avoid saying those types of things to me. And he was like, Oh, my goodness, yeah, I'm so sorry. You gave me a hug. And then, you know, then he never said anything like that to me ever again. He did to other people, though. He continued with other people. So say that that would mean taking that approach, after lots of guidance from my therapist, might have been more effective than say, one day. Me saying Jorda that's his name. If you know what company I used to work at. You don't tell him? Hey, you're the worst person that's ever lived. You're a piece of shit. I hate you what you're saying. What you're saying is the worst thing that's ever been said. It might not have been aligned with him, him saying, Oh, you're bad at your job. You know, but also recognizing sometimes that's just the art. That's our reaction. Right? We we I do it all the time saying overstating harm, you know, like maybe my colleagues said a decade is it really like always II like also a harm hurt person who's behaving this way? Lala, you know, so. And because I have spent a lot of my life traumatized, you know, living with PTSD. I have been triggered by a lot of things. That's just normal, right? And so if you do happen to react with the, you know, oh, really big reaction. That's just a normal, totally, totally normal way to react. Right. So don't beat yourself up about it. But I'm not saying that this person is overstating harm. I really don't think that they are at all right. Because if someone said to me, Oh, you better watch out so you can still put in your wedding dress. And then I said, Can you please not talk? I'd appreciate if you didn't talk about my body. That sounds absolutely reasonable. Right? Maybe overstating harm might be like if they said watch out so you can still fit in your wedding dress, you might say. And overstating harm is you've just ruined my wedding. You know? Maybe they have maybe they've done other stuff anyway. So if you feel like yeah, you know what I feel like this is harmful to me. And yes, I have a back historic back history of, of, you know, many people doing this and so it probably is a sore spot for me, but just because it's a sore spot doesn't mean that I should just ignore it. Right? Does that mean I should just shut up and just let people poke that sore spot? Because it's inappropriate because that will be a dick move. Imagine if you were like, Oh, hey, I've got a bruised arm and someone was like, oh, right here and I kept poking it. That bruise is never going to turn into a healed, you know, arm is always going to be bruised. And that is what is happening with our fat phobic family is that bruise cannot heal because they keep poking at it. We say don't and they say You're so sensitive and poke again. I'm gonna give you more more tactics for that stuff. Okay, so, someone says, I'm a bum bum bum. Next. Next question is Hi, Vinny. Thanks for your blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Thank you. Thank you, given the festive season, and then the dreaded New Year resolutions that usually include weight loss and or fitness goals. How can I deal with friends who are doing the so called eight week fitness challenges? A friend of mine is doing one and all she posts now is before and after photos on social media and brags about her 20 I'm not gonna say what that is. Her weight loss, let alone all the diet talk of tight talk or things she won't eat now or constantly mentioning her dietician says she can eat certain foods only once in a while. That sounds like a shitty dietitian. I find it depressing and hurtful that she is obsessed now with weight loss. What would you suggest I do to shield myself self against this or have any comebacks when she when she she's talking about food dieting and losing weight? Whoa, Nelly, this is yeah, no, that sounds really difficult. You know what the first thing I would be doing is muting my friend, do not be afraid of that mute button, and answer on Instagram, as on social media. So you do not have to see those before and after posts. Because that stuff is difficult, right? And as well hearing like, oh my god, I can eat this and I can't eat that, you're gonna suck that stuff up. And the next time you pick up the thing that you know that you, she said that you're not meant to eat, you're going to be like, no one bad. And the next time you eat and the thing that you're meant to eat lots of then you're going to like, think a little bit better. Probably, that's how my brain works, you know, when I'm more vulnerable to that type of stuff. So protect yourself by not seeing it. Mute that friend, honestly, my Facebook page, I wonder, uh, my Facebook friends, say if I have 500 friends, I've probably muted like 350 of them. Like, really, I want to keep them as friends. Because sometimes you want to just look at them up, right and be like, I'm listening what this bus is up to now. But you don't want to see their daily thoughts, because their daily thoughts are, oh, I'm so naughty for smelling a slice of cake, you know. So you know, they're not dead to you. But you don't want to be influenced by that stuff. So meet them. Also get some more fat positive anti diet stuff on your social media instead. So you're helping your brain supporting that. And then you're going to set a boundary with her. Okay? Because this stuff is harmful to you, you can see it's making you feel you say depressed. And you find it depressing and hurtful. That's this this big stuff, right? So you might want to set a boundary with her. You don't have to, you don't have to be friends with her. If you realize that actually, this is all that her personality is. Actually you don't really like her that much. You're gonna end the friendship, why not? But if you want to be friends with her, you can do some of the things I'm going to be talking about in a little bit. So I'm gonna give you some words to say all right. Okay, so someone else's asked how do I still love my family stuck in diet culture when they're hurting me with their comments? Yeah, it's hard. And this is related to the previous question of the way that I feel about it. So there's that person, you have that foot who has a friend who's all like I'm doing this challenge. I feel like if you're British and standards reference, I feel like mystic mag. And I can see into the future. I can see into the future to March. April, May. February, right next year.

friend has had enough of a diet because it is absolutely soul destroying. Her body has rebelled against her. She is no longer losing the weight that she did at the beginning. She's desperate to eat the foods that she's been told that she's not allowed to eat. She is just it's just not working anymore for her. She's gonna quietly stop doing the things in the diet. She's gonna, you know, have all of those posts on social media being like, look how much weight I've lost. Look how good I'm good look And I am. And she's gonna be looking at those posts and feeling ashamed that she's not as soon as she was then at the lowest weight, she is going to be maybe having a more disordered relationship with food, that she might even have now an eating disorder, she might have spent money on new clothes that no longer fit and she's feeling deeply ashamed, she might not have things that feel comfortable to her when she goes out. She's really struggling and feeling and feeling embarrassed, because just a couple of months ago, or however long it takes. She was really like gloating about how good she felt and looked and all that type of stuff. And now she feels like an absolute abject failure. So for me, what I think about those people who are doing that is I feel real compassion for them, because it's like they're in that they're reaching for, for this thing, the holy grail of fineness and what fineness means, and they've got all this hope, in that they're doing, they're working really hard to become this thin person who is worthy and loved and desired and unhealthy, and all of those things that they don't feel currently, and they were doing it, and they could, then then then they didn't do it, and nothing wrong with them. Nothing due to them, but they will blame themselves. So I kind of feel like it is it's harmful to witness them in this stage of, you know, look at me and how thin I'm getting, that's harmful to witness, if you are in your journey of unlearning that stuff. And that can be very triggering. What I see is the After After, so you know the before and after I see the After After, and I see the the shame that this person is very, very likely going to be feeling. So you know, how do I still love my family stuck in diet culture, when they're hurting me with their comments, what you will do is you will work to set boundaries so that you are safe around these people while they're doing this or remove them from your life, you can do that too. But more likely, you're going to work to feel safe. And try to if you can see them as the after, after of what they what what is ahead for them most likely, you know, 97% chance that that's going to happen for them. And setting those boundaries I'm going to give you some more things to say. Someone else says how to resist not telling them to fuck off. I mean, you can you just do what you want, you can and sometimes set talent or fork off might be the most appropriate thing maybe for you. At that time. I'll give you an example of what I mean with that. I mean, it might not be the most effective communication if you just like walk in and you know, Aunt Sally is like so nice to see you and you're like fuck off Aunt Sally. Sally's desire to learn. But you know if Aunt Sally is has spent the last 30 years saying hey, you're a piece of shit. Yeah, eventually you might say fuck off. Someone else says can you remind everyone that people that fat people have eating disorders to Yeah, that's the thing is that we really are we really don't think that fat people could have a restrictive eating disorder which is guess what? Every eating disorder and presumed people presume that if that people have an eating disorder, it's it's binge eating disorder or bulimia. But normally just binge eating disorder because you know them then fat is be greedy. That's sarcasm by the way. Yeah. Hey, Patty said she had another comment, which was I've I've always heard boy patty is a big eater. Heard it all my life. It's just such a it's just why would we say this to people? You know, these just this one word. I was around a child and there was an ice cream Chuck truck. So this happened kind of fairly recently. And one of the parents said he wants ice cream. And the two children who were young said, yeah, the dad pointed to the little girl who was maybe three to three pointed to a tummy and said, you don't need any more. that you've already got a big tummy. And I I felt like I was watching in real time. Like the potential future again mystic Meg mystic Meg Cristobal have that kind of like, in 2030 years time that that child being in therapy or, or you know just talking with their friends being like I remember the first time my dad told me that I was too fat and we it was a wonderful summer's day and we were having ice cream and he poked my belly and said, You've had enough of that. I was that was my first memory I was three years old. And that absolutely changing the course of of that child's life. It was so heartbreaking. Anyway, so yeah, just you know, making me really depressed. Let me tell you some other really awful stories. You know, one time I saw someone kick a puppy, no, I that just never happened. ways I can make you feel more depressed while listening to the podcast. Alright, so word track ideas. All right. So let me give you some things to say. And I'll talk more about boundaries and what bounds like the anatomy of boundaries and stuff. Okay, so the good, the best thing to do is to either write down a couple of these, or memorize one of them or something as your go to because in the moment, you you're in your moment, you're in fight or flight, right, so Aunt Sally has been like, Oh, look how fat you are. And your, your heart starts beating faster, your your breathing is has become shallower. And your body is like, Okay, we're gonna fight this bitch. And then the more kind of, let's talk about it rational, being able to access the way that you want to communicate is probably less available to us. So if in that moment, you have a couple of words, and you can just say, Oh, what's on it, give me a second, get out your phone, look at your notes and be like, blah, blah, blah, whatever it is that you want to say, or to have that memorized. And it could even be that you're just gonna say, Oh, my thank you. Don't talk about bodies, whatever feels good to you, right? And these are suggestions and they might not feel like your words, and so you can make them into the way that you speak. Now, we spoke about, you know, saying telling Aunt Sally to fork off. Another episode I spoke I spoke about boundaries, and telling people how you feel. And if you think about a set of stairs, right? And our boundaries on the first step would be something gentle. Right? someone does something and it's not something that's really egregious, right? It's not something like they just hit you in the face. It's something you know, that you have decided warrants a gentle response. So that's the first step right. So step one, you might decide to give a gentle response. Now, if we look at step 234, or five, whatever. You look at step three, and house step what step three looks like, if someone does something and you don't have to necessarily go straight to step one, you can decide it's a step three response, you could decide it's a step five response. So you know, you might just go straight to the fuck off. Depending on the history of that person, depending on the situation, depending on your safety, you might have to physically protect yourself. And so that might be another step too. And so, say, if someone came and said, I'm here, I'm, here's my gun, I'm going to shoot you, you might find that it's not appropriate to say, I'm having some feelings about that. And I prefer it if you didn't, you go straight to literally running away or whatever it is you decide to do, right? Save your life, hit them in the face, whatever, right?

Obviously, it's not very often that that's going to happen. But however you choose to respond on this like set of scales, scales, steps, steps on the scale of steps is up to you. And you might have to move up on the steps, even if it feels inappropriate. And that's the one a lot of people Don't do is they'll do. And step one, or step one response. And they'll stay at step one, even though their boundary at step one or request at step one was not heard. If it's not heard, it will be probably a wise idea to restate the step one, or move to step two. So what are we talking about with the steps? Okay, so the first step is probably a gentle comment. So someone says something, oh, looks like you've gained some weight. Oh, you're gonna eat everything on that play? Something like that. Right? You might decide a gentle comment could be that you're gonna ignore their comment, and change the subject, right? So you're not engaging in it, but you're not saying anything. So that might be the gentlest way. You might say, I love you. It's so good to see you. Let's focus on joyful things today. You might say, I've realized that talking about food, or bodies, doesn't feel good to me. Can we talk about things that make us happy? Have you watched any good shows or movies recently? Right. So even within that, you can see how that's kind of heightened from ignoring to, you know, maybe being a little bit more assertive, but you're not being you're not telling them. If you do this, and I'm going to do that it's a very kind of gentle thing. And so you can come up with with one of those that feel good or use use one of those that I've given as an example. Okay, so let's pretend that step one, step two, might be a firmer, still pretty gentle, plus a request. So you now you're making a request. So first, you're maybe just saying a statement like, oh, that doesn't sound good. Or let's not do that. Or changing the subject, whatever. But here we're going to be requesting. So you could say, Let's not talk about food or bodies. Change the subject. These brussel sprouts are delicious. Who would ever say brussels sprouts are delicious? Although, you know, I did try brussel sprouts, where they were like deep fried with parmesan and lemon. And there was bacon. I didn't try the bacon at the time. So I was vegetarian, but the bacon tastes good, too. Anyway, so firm and request, nobody talked please. Thank you. Another one could be when you talk about my body, it makes me feel uncomfortable. Can you stop, please. So you see how they're a little bit more assertive. Okay, so imagine if they'll just ignore that, you might decide that you're going to make a request with a boundary. Okay? So none of those that we've said before, have a boundary attached. And so a boundary is going to be saying, I'm going to this is what this is what's going to happen like a consequence of your behavior. You might, you might decide, I'm going to go straight to boundary, I'm not going to do the soft stuff. So request with boundary. If you keep talking about food choices, or my body, I will take my dinner and eat in the other room. Or I won't be able to come to our next gathering, if we continue focusing on dieting, and Body Talk. Or when you make those sorts of comments, it really hurts me. So the next time you do it, I will have to leave. Okay, so you're telling them what your behavior is going to be? Right? I will do this. If you do that. You're making a request from them, can you stop doing that? And then you're gonna get you're telling them what your behavior will be? If they don't meet that request. Okay, so they can choose what they want to do. They could say, I don't care, that's fine, then you will then take the action that you need to take. So if you want to amp it up a level and you want to firmer like the firmest response, you can say something like, Absolutely not. I will not tolerate being shamed from my body or food choices. You could just say, Stop. You could say, oh, no, the food please have arrived. Please ask them to leave immediately. So the firmest response, none of those had any kind of boundaries with them. So you might want to add a boundary in there too. But any of those ways that you decide to respond is absolutely fine. So let's pretend You know, your family and everyone is like, Oh, yes, yes. And and so if someone was saying to me, Oh, you're so sensitive, what I might say is, Listen, I have had a history of an eating disorder, and a really terrible relationship with my body. So you may feel like you're, you're just joking. Or you may feel like, you know, I'm taking it the wrong way. But this is how it lands for me. And so in order to make me feel a little bit more comfortable, I'm not able to be around those types of comments in order to help me with my healing. Now, that's a very kind of generous response in regards to like sharing stuff about you. You don't have to, you can just say, That's my boundary, they say, You're so sensitive. Okay, well, that's my boundary. Why are you being like that? Why are you saying I'm so mean? I'm not saying that. You're mean? I'm just saying that that's what feels good for me. That's what is acceptable for me. Right? We don't need to go into debates with with people saying, I'm not sensitive and, and, you know, okay, fine, sorry, or anything like that, and trying to convince them, what you what you're what you need, is what you need, what you need is what you need, right? And if you need to be in an environment that's free from bigotry, Premier sample request, then, then that's, that's you, right? So they can decide what to do with that information. You've given them some information, here is a critical part. This is where almost every one trips up. They say, can you stop doing this thing? The family says You're so sensitive. With that piece of information, we know how they're going to react if we enact a boundary. And by the way, can you please stop doing that thing? We're not stating really a boundary? We've not told them? What's going to happen. So can you stop? Can you stop talking about my body? Oh, you're so sensitive. Yeah, yeah, I'm sensitive. Absolutely. But can you stop doing that? You know, and then see what they say. Next time I say it. You would you would say? If you talk about my body, again, I will have to leave? Are you sensitive? Okay, yeah. But I will have to leave if we keep talking about bodies and diets. And then this is a really important, but next time they do it, follow through on your boundary. Okay? That is the most critical and difficult thing that's putting the electric fence up. Right? If people are used to just going into that field, doing the same thing, talking about diets and bodies in front of you, you're going to have to help them understand what's appropriate for you. Again, they can continue doing whatever they want, but to have access to you, they need to refrain from behaving in ways that hurt you. Now, saying that there are many times where we cannot leave, we cannot go to the other room. We cannot enforce a boundary or even say here's my boundary, because we are in unsafe situations. There are you know, say you, you're living with your mum, and your mum says all this shit, but she is financially supporting you. And you know that she has a hairpin trigger. And if you said anything to her that she will throw you out of the house and then you could end up being

with nowhere to live. Right? That might be your situation and so it would not be probably the wisest to say hey, listen, Mum, if you do that, then I'm going to do this because then my might say we'll get the fuck out of my house. However, if you're just nervous because you don't know how someone's gonna react, or you're nervous, because, you know, someone's gonna say you're sensitive or You're unreasonable or whatever it is. I would try to give people the benefit of the doubt and give them the benefit of the doubt that if you clearly communicate, they'll get it and that they might have to be taken to you walking away or whatever it is that you're going to do for them to then get it. But give them that grace to be closer to you. Because sometimes we'll say, Oh, they won't listen, they won't listen. And that is not giving them the opportunity to be close to you as someone that they love. Because you're saying they are absolutely incapable of being an efficient communicator, or a better communicator, or incapable of putting aside their beliefs in order to make me feel more loved and accepted and comfortable. And if a lot of times, if people in our life knew how distressed that this stuff makes us, they would cut it out. Not all the time. But if they knew that it was making you dread spending time with them, be anxious, led to you to being deeper into your eating disorder, or, or, you know, hating yourself as you're falling asleep at night thinking I wish I was thinner. You know, that would be really impactful for them. Not everyone. But if we can try and give people the benefit of the doubt that if we clearly communicate, this isn't acceptable. They're going to react how they want and go through the process of actually implementing the consequence of our boundary. You never know what could happen. And sometimes that's what it takes for them to get it because they might have probably known you for decades. And knowing you for decades, they've learned what is acceptable. For decades, I've been walking into that field and pulling pulling Dominic's tail. And if you walk by and say dominate doesn't like that, they probably won't hear that. They might not even hear it. If you say dominate doesn't like it when you have this pool towel, can you stop? They might not even hear that. And they can might only be able to hear it if you put up that fence. And you say listen, I told you, you can't come and pull dominates town anymore. He doesn't like it. And he's a happy little Christmas donkey. So leave him alone. All right, so that's a big thing. This is post that was created last year. And it's it's around the internet again this year. And I really like the formula that they've created. By the way, all of these word tracks I'm saying, I'm going to make it into a Instagram post so that you can go and refer to it. So that's going to be out the same time the same week that this podcast is out by the way so go to my Instagram to see if that post is there and if there's anything there that you can pull from but anyway, your body is good. Your underscore body underscore is underscore good. Made a post called How to survive the holidays with fat phobic friends and family by Amanda Martinez Beck and J. Nicole Morgan Co hosts of the fat and faithful podcast. So they have a nice spice ICE Method. I don't know if they created it, but it's nice. It's nice. It's spicy is I'd see. I googled that but all that came up was a rapper. Nice spice or nice ice spicy ice anyway. Now I want to know about boundaries. Anyway. Okay, so this is our post. All of the links that I'm going to talk I've been talking about. Anything that I'm linking is in the show notes. For this episode. It's first for a first for e.com through tiny.com forward slash 182. God I forgot what my fucking website was facebook.com forward slash 182. But you can also find them in the if you're listening on app on an app anyway. Okay, so when someone says you look great, have you lost weight? The nice response No, I choose to focus on other things and Wait Good to see you though. The spice Nope, still felt still fat. There are so many more interesting things to talk about them. Wait the ice response Hi. Please do not comment on my body thin does not equal happy or better. So this is actually I've just realized this is kind of like the similar and similar analogy of the stairs thing of the like the stage one and stage two, stage three stage three. But there's no who kind of consequences the boundary thing so if you want the consequences of boundary thing you might decide to add that on here. Okay, when someone comments on something you put on your plate nice. I didn't drive all this way to spend today eating salad spice. Oh, I'm sorry. Did you think my food choices were any of your business because they're not nice stare rude. Continue loading plate that's a good one that I think that one rude is a good one. Obviously. I don't know how they're saying it. It's in capitals. That's what I hear is rude. Or it could be all right. Whatever you are you want to say it. That can be really funny because if you're just like, you know, someone's saying, oh, have you heard about the immigrants and you can just be like read it when someone makes a joke about the holidays making us fat you could say nice. I'll stop it one day of feasting will not make anyone fatter than they already are. The spice response and nothing wrong with being fat. Ice. Why is fatness a punch line for you? Do you think my body size is funny or to be mocked? Next when food is moralized the nice oh stop food food is morally neutral and today is about feasting. Let it go. Spice bad for you. Is it crawling with maggots? Because that's the only way I see piping bad. That's not the way only way I see piping bad. The only way that I see the only other way I see piping bad if it's a fucking pumpkin pie. That shit needs to go in the bin. Pumpkin pie who wants to eat a fucking pump? Like a mashed potato pie mixed with cinnamon spice with cream while she mashed potato with cream. That sounds good. In a pie. That sounds good. But no pumpkin pie. That shit is so little gross. Bad for you. Yes, it was a pumpkin pie. It's bad for you. It's bad. It's bad for your your soul. Ice stop moralizing food. It is it is harmful to talk and think about food this way. And I will not let you talk this way today. Around me and my children. Yeah, yes. Whether you choose nice spice or ice, don't be afraid to voice your boundaries and push back against diet culture and fat phobia during the holiday season. Love Amanda and Nicole. That's great. That's great. So, again, these are not necessarily boundaries. Because it's not saying, Well, no, they No, no, no, no, they didn't. You know, they're saying, you know, one of them isn't saying, Oh, stop it. Oh, stop. Yeah, so there's a couple of stops. But some of them are also just comments and comments. Not saying that the that's not good. But as in it's a different, it's a different thing. So if in the past, you've just been saying, What's wrong with being fat, which is a great thing to say. But it's kind of like opening a conversation where you may not be in that place to have a conversation. Or, and also, they could be hearing. That's okay, because I can say about this stuff, because then I can debate with someone so you and your thinking in your mind, stop fucking talking about that. But that might they might not have heard stop talking about that, because they have heard you say What's wrong with being fat, which is opening a conversation, which is, again, if you want to open a conversation, great, perfect. If you want to shut that shit down, being really clear and saying, I don't want that around me. We'll shut it down. And it might be that you do the other methods first before you get in with the the space here are the ICF things right? Okay, so there's another concept called Hard and Soft boundary. So I just want to share those with you that concept with you.

There's a link to this. Someone's website que si resolved.com. They say it's essential to develop and maintain healthy boundaries. Think of a boundary like this. A boundary is something allows you to keep what you want close to you and what you don't want away from you. This can be people objects, concepts, whatever you want. The main idea that, my dear, my main idea is that the boundary is something you maintain to keep yourself safe and comfortable. There are multiple types of boundaries, but the main types being hard and soft. So what's the difference? A hard boundary is something that is fixed something that doesn't let things in or out. In other words are hard boundaries always enforced. A good example of a hard boundary is not to drink and drive, no matter the circumstances. You don't cross the boundary of driving under the influence because it risks your safety, as well as the safety of others. A soft boundary is something that is determined by situations or by other people. And like a hard boundary, a soft boundary isn't always enforced. Using the car example, again, a soft boundary could be not allowing anyone to drive your car. However, in the event of you being intoxicated, you allow your friend to drive your car for you. In this circumstance, you cross your boundary of not letting others drive your car to avoid driving under the influence. Here's another way of thinking about hard and soft boundaries. Hard boundaries are black and white. Whereas soft boundaries are more gray. Although I use the example of drinking and driving your boundaries or whatever you make them. As mentioned before boundaries can relate to people, objects, and even concepts. So we all have we all have boundaries in our life. You might say, I'm terrible with boundaries, but you're not, you're not actually. Because imagine if someone knocked on your door and said, Hey, can I come live in your spare room and not pay any rent and eat all your food? You'd say? No. Right? Probably most likely, you'd say no. And there'll be a deck, right? They'll just like, Ah, I'm really rich as well. So I just know that I need your help. I'm just being a dickhead. Right? Yeah, and so say if someone came in spat on your shoe or something, you'd be like, a What the fuck, right? Don't do that. So we know how to set boundaries. It's when with people we love and because when we want to appear to be a good person, that's the thing is, you know what, sometimes people are going to think that we're bad people, sometimes people are going to say, You're too sensitive, whatever. Sometimes people are gonna be like, Why don't want to be friends with them if they don't want to, if they won't let me talk about how fat people are pieces of shit. You know, so you can be like, oh, I want to be friends with you. So how people react to our boundaries is up to them, right. And so you already have boundaries, you've already set boundaries, and you've probably got hard and soft boundaries in certain situations. And also something that can be a hard boundary in some situations could be a softer boundary and other well, it that would be that there'd be a softer boundary. But so for example, with me, in my life with people I know, I don't allow diet talk, as in them being like, Oh, I'm gonna go to a diet and sugar is bad and shit like that. Right? That's, that's like, I cut that out. However, say, if someone messaged me and says, says, I have all these beliefs that, you know, ABC or, or I'm struggling, and I Oh, you know, I feel like I can never get a boyfriend because I'm fat. That would be I'd be like, Oh, that's an opportunity to have a conversation. Right. And so I wouldn't be like, don't talk about that stuff in front of me because it makes me feel bad. Because I know, it's a like a professional setting, almost Well, professional, the internet, you know, but it's, it's, it's, there's an opportunity for education. Whereas with my friends and family, I want them to know what my values are. And so therefore, it's a hard, it's a hard boundary, that's not something that I will tolerate. Even though it's a hard boundary, I still, that doesn't mean that I'm going to go straight to your a piece of shit. I would, depending on the situation, you know, might do like level one on the stairs or level three or whatever, right? So but it would never just fly in my content, like it could happen once and I just don't say anything. But it would not long term fly as for a long term relationship, like at all. Okay, so that's hard and soft boundaries. And finally, I want to share with you signs your boundaries are being violated so you can see if that's happening to you. So signs that your boundaries are being violated. This is from Psychcentral. Number one, you have a codependent relationship. And so this when we're talking about go dependent, it refers to a specific relationship dynamic where one person puts their own needs to the backburner, and the others, that tends to avoid accountability for their actions. So in this section, they say, often folks believe that unless they sacrifice their boundaries for the needs of others, they won't be liked, loved or valued. So the belief that you having boundaries means that you're a bad person, and you haven't boundaries means that you will not be liked, loved or valued. And that's not the truth. Values route. Boundaries are such a fucking gift. Their huge gift. Would you rather your someone in your life say, hey, you know that one thing that you do? It doesn't make me feel good? Would you rather them say that to you? And you fix that thing? And you might feel like, Oh God, I'm a terrible person, and then you get over it? Or would you have that relationship and never know, when it could have been something that a value, really valuable relationship to you? And if you just knew this one thing, you could fix it or stop it? It's a gift to be able to set boundaries with others. Okay, number two, you have to set the boundary over and over again. Yeah. So we have to just be really kind of straightforward. And like, this is this and, and they out here, it might feel like conversation, Dave deja vu. So we just have to just follow through with what we're doing. And it's okay if they ask questions about, like, why this is important to us or whatever, but not debating whether our boundary is valid. Like a real judge, you're just saying this is what I'm going to do. Right? Not what they have to do. Number three, you have expressed discomfort. So they say here, you set and explained your boundaries, but they keep breaking them. Now, you're also expressing how that makes you feel, and they continue to behave similarly. Similarly, this is another example of boundary violation, a main sign that someone doesn't respect your boundaries if they don't stop their actions after you've expressed discomfort. If you've essentially asked for something to stop, and someone attempts to persuade you otherwise, or continues to engage in activities you're against, those are signs that they don't respect your boundaries. Number four, you feel off. Like here, they're saying you just don't feel good in the relationship, and they might that might also include how you feel in your body. Number five, they don't listen to or acknowledge you. A sign that someone doesn't respect your boundaries is interrupting or changing the conversation when you're sharing something important to you. Number six, they minimize or mock your requests. Sometimes it's difficult to consider other people's intentions when they say things quote, as a joke, or you're not clear if they're quote, only teasing, but sometimes humor may be a manipulation tactic to use to cross the line. So signs of a broken boundary may be invalidating or minimizing your knees that lead to the boundary for example, oh, come on, you can't seriously be that bothered by my phone calls at night, you get plenty of sleep. gaslighting may also be a red flag. This may involve saying things like you're just being too sensitive, lighten up. Number seven, they pressure you as possible that besides ignoring your request, someone may try to change your mind about your boundaries. This can be done in many ways, from ridiculing your logic for the boundary to making you feel guilty for setting the limit. They may also use a silent treatment or ghost you whenever you set the record straight. All of these may be an attempt to continue violating your boundaries and manipulating you into thinking their right to do so. And then they gave in this article, they give some examples of what to do if people are violating your boundaries. This is like written by counselors therapists. So yeah, link for that into the in the Sharma house. But this is honestly this is a perros. Sassaman last time, I talked to my therapist, I was talking about a boundary that I'd set with someone and being like, for fuck sake, I set this boundary five years ago. Why am I still having to deal with this, that like the fallout from me setting this boundary.

And the thing is, like, if someone is in your life in the periphery, and they're always going to be in your life in the periphery, but they're not in your life, there's always going to be butts up against those boundaries, when my boundary is no contact with someone and someone in my family, so it's kind of, you know, peripheral. So there's gonna be times where I'm gonna be in the same place, and how that slike continual, you know, it's like maintaining that fence of like, what to do, what is the best tactic and how to protect myself? And it's, it's frustrating and hard, but it can be really successful. And I have many relationships in my life now where I've said, Oh, we don't do that anymore, or whatever it is, you know, and it can you know, We just start with the, you know, the nice by size with, you know, Oh, don't say that or, you know, I've only once ever had to go to the I'm going to actually do something if you don't stop doing this thing. And that's the ending the relationship. But that took a yes to get to. Yes. Yes, right of being like, Oh, why am I such as table? Or this type of stuff? Yeah. So probably what's going to happen is use say, please stop doing that. And they will stop doing it. Or if they don't, you say, if you continue doing that, I'm going to do this. They continue. You, you enforce your boundary. And then they're like, oh, shit, they're serious. And then they stopped doing that. That's feels like probably the more extreme version of what's going to happen is you haven't enforced your boundary by actually following through on the consequence. But more often than not, all you have to do is say, one of those things. Oh, we don't talk about bodies. Oh, I've learned that. This doesn't feel good for me. So can we avoid it? One of those phrases, and it's just going to nip it in the nip it in the is it bird or but I think North American safe, but I think some Canadians and Europeans say but for the rest of the world, and if I can, no, but whatever one you say. It's going to nip it. I think it's the but I think it's a but I think it's a gardening term where it's you're nipping it in the bud, where you know, where something's beginning to bloom, you're going to nip it in the bud so it doesn't bloom into something. Something else. It's so is the bird. It's not but it's but I've just decided without googling it that it must be that because it makes sense. But if I'm wrong, tell me. So by the way, I have a mini course called boundary boss, that I do a terrific job of NaVi telling you that it exists. I don't want to make money. Ah, yeah, boundary Boss, I'm going to do I've decided just when I was recording that I'm going to do a it's normally $47 to get the course it's really good. But I'm going to do an end of year sale where I make it $27 OMG. So when I do that, for when the podcast comes out, I'll make a code or something. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll make a code I'll put the code wherever it is. What should we put make the code as Why is it so hard to think of a Volkswagen code code I can just make it anything up and I'm like I can't think let's just make it the code is going to be boundary boundary. So when you go to the checkout page, put the code as boundary if it's changes for any reason because I realized I can't have a eight letter word or something like that then I'll let you know but the link for boundary boss if you want to get it will be in the show notes and that talks more about this stuff and other stuff. Boundary boss actually got some I got an email from someone in the USA and you're violating you're violating all is it intellectual No not like intellectual property but they had bound they have a course called boundary boss which I had no clue about. And I think they must have made it after me anyway so they've they're like their boundary bosses is it must be like gangbusters like sales loads course mine doesn't but they're in the US right and so they sent our cease and desist that's what it is I sent a cease and because I must have Googled boundary boss and maybe like on page 17 of Google mine came up and they were like, Why found one they better stop using our name and then I was like, I'm in Canada so that doesn't count they're like oh yeah, sorry about that. Just record it and then there's I mean ever email saying cease and desist and I said I'm in Canada Ciao. Who knows that was like a year ago anyway so maybe they've registered boundary bosses are Canadian are in that process of it so that so get get it while it's there. I just have to change us change the name of it as a boundary boundary bash or something? My boundary bitch boundary boundary. Not no whatever. Anyway, whatever, blah, blah, blah. So yeah, take care of yourself while you're doing this stuff. And you know what, you don't have to go spend time with people if you don't want that. You You're allowed to just safe hug her and just watch watch some Telly at home or whatever if it's feels really shitty for you. But whatever you decide decide to do to stay alive in this world I mean yeah, you know and if you if you if you're like, I'm going to set a boundary and then you go around and you're just like, Ah, I don't want to win I'm scared and I'm not going to do it and you don't do it. Give yourself grace this this stuff is Ha ha are do hard. That's what that that's what that spells hard. It's hard, especially if you're a people pleaser right? So give yourself Grace I'll stop I'll stop rambling The sun has set in here. What time is it? It's like oh my god and 345 I hate Daylight Savings daylight savings can suck my fat tits oh you know what I'm gonna leave you on there's a there's a Oh boundaries Oh boundaries song right oh oh there's that oh there's a there's a Christmas song which is by Regan Chastain and someone else Oh boundaries or boundaries. But there's a boundary Song For Kids which is quite good let's I'm gonna listen to it some people like hugs or standing close, teasing or tickling while others do high fives handshakes, kisses sharing milkshakes things people do and say with others are not okay. Your feelings over politics No matter your size so you can set boundaries to clarify and you can say please stop I don't like that feeling uncomfortable. I need my space around me to take it personally just a boundary it's just a boundary stop don't like that. I'm clearly not comfortable in that space men around me take it personally it's just a boundary it's a boundary that's a boundary is a fucking banger in it. I'll put that in the show notes some of these key songs are really good oh and then they read also I find that Reagan Chastain one oh boundaries all boundaries I can't remember what the how it go hos and let's see if I can find it Reagan Regan chess the holly boundary song Jeanette to Patti that saves things in it boundaries you helped me deal with family all boundaries all boundaries with me

Vinny Welsby 1:23:38

another banger. Oh, I'm just giving you all the goods today aren't I? That's from 10 years ago. every year or every year I remember that song I'm like I get listened to the boundary song. Very well song. Very well sung. What was the last thing? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, two more things. Do more things. Two more things. Okay. Okay, sorry. I'll stop I'll stop talking to you. I'm sorry. Two more things. A little a little Did you see less dog? I'm gonna go find it. It's so funny. What's her last name? Leslie Jones comedian Hello girls. I was just remember her Instagram handle is less dog this dog maybe it's less dog not let's yeah is less dog Leslie Jones. Lindsay Jones has a higher Leslie Jones to come to your next family dinner. To get people to stop talking about shit. I'm gonna put that in the show notes so you can see it. I'll put on my page man that fun is funniest work. And also there's I'm going to find that I'm gonna see if I can find it. I don't know if I can find it. Anyway, there's I'll find them. Leslie Jones things like this other thing. I don't know who it's by. There is there So one person who talked about setting boundaries with with family members but doing it like she's talking to preschoolers and so she'll say all of these like phrases that are like, eyes on me cuddle bees. Now what do we do when someone says that they don't like that? Look at their face to say lace, Facebook frowny sad? Yes, so that means that they don't like it when you say, and so it's really funny they talk about like, they you know, like, aren't LINDA You know, this is if, if, if they're frowning faces frowny sad, that means keep your hands to yourself, aren't Linda, it's really funny. So so that could be another method for you to try with your family friends who are saying shit, oh, look at me Applebee's or I'm making these phrases up but she's got like the proper talking to children phrases down. When we keep our hands to ourselves. We keep our comments to ourselves. Yeah, anyway, go check out this. Leslie Jones thing I found it. Yeah. About Thanksgiving. It's it is. I've watched it probably like seven times. In the show notes, there's gonna be like 75,000 foot in links in the show notes. Leslie Jones. Funny Video. Okay. Okay, well, you know, thanks for hanging out. I hope you had a nice holiday time. Nice 2023 I hope you're alive. If you are congrats. If you're listening to this beyond the grave occupy well then I've been there and watch the fuck out for the new year's new year's new you don't have to always remember this will bullshit. It's gonna pass come February or even by come January 15. People are going to be off the diet wagon or whatever. So in during that time, if that's difficult for you just go and get some extra juicy fat content in your brain. Surround yourself by fatty goodness, maybe in Facebook groups or whatever. If you go to Kofi, you can download my fat resource guide and in there, there'll be TV shows and TEDx Talks is to watch as are so you can do that. You can listen to the 181 other episodes of first fatty podcast you can just go and have a big ol fuckin nap. That sounds good, doesn't it? Oh. Oh, that sounds good. Yeah, make nap. Yeah, go for nap. Just got to have a nap right now. No, I'm gonna stop playing and okay. Just hour and a half episode Jesus. Okay, okay. Well, I'll see you in the next episode. And remember to stay face fatty and I'll see you in a while Oh ALLAH guy tall Good.