Episode 48 Transcript

You're listening to The Fierce Fatty Podcast, “Ways that low confidence manifests in daily life”. I am your host, Victoria Welsby. And let's get this episode started.

I'm Victoria Welsby TEDx speaker, Best Selling Author, and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self esteem to being a courageous and confident Fierce Fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living in a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed? Or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century? So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty podcast Let's begin.

Unknown Speaker 1:24

Hello, hello, fatty Howard Delroy today how live what's cooking, you're happy if anyone gets I am looking over out of my window in my office and the fog is rolling over the fields over the sea onto the mountains kind of a dreary day. I tell you what, listen up. Now here. I've been watching The Handmaid's Tale Have you seen it? The hands made Handmaid's Tale, like I've watched, I watched season one and two when they came out. And now I realize Season Three came out. And so I've rewatched one and two in the in about a week, because I've got nothing else to do with my life. It's so honestly, refills like America is worth, you know, so close to becoming Gilead, which is the you know, America that's been taken over by this extremist. Catholic out. No, they're not Catholic. They're John's some version of Catholicism and impregnate women by force and yeah, it just makes me think, Oh, poor America. Hey, if you're American, please vote. Please vote, please. I'm not even American and I feel so anxious about this. And I this is my prediction that Donald is going to win the next election. That is my prediction. Okay, don't make that come true. Go and vote. Please. Please. And I don't even live in the States but I just feel so obviously what happens in the states of it affects everywhere, right? And yeah, and we don't you know, I don't want you to be, you know, affected by this maniac. This massive bigot that's in in my house. Anyway. Anyway, so yeah, I've been watching Handmaid's Tale and it's making me feel it's kind of it's kind of like, every episode is like that, that dark, that dark music music like like music like that, that sets the tone. And it's like, you know, dark and it's all very sad and no hope. And now I look out the window and it's dreary, and it's September now and I'm like, No, I should go and watch something. I should not binge watch programs like that because it makes me go and it makes me want to go out and I don't know, roundhouse kick. Men in the head. Whatever. Not that I know how to roundhouse kick but I could probably do it because I'm really good at kicking. Because I'm I'm super flexible. Anyway, if you're watching on camera, then I'm excuse my hair. I it is looking very towel towel tussle tasseled tussled, tussled beachy what is looking is looking a bit shit because I went out and I went out and walked the dogs and then it started raining super hard and yeah, so I just thought Fuck it. I'm just gonna leave it like this naturally. You know what looking at it. That's pretty good. So yeah, actually, I've changed my mind about it. I love like, Yeah, looks really good. And then I actually started like this is meant to be like this. Yeah. Do you think in my What are you doing that on video? So by the way, most people listen to the podcast through iTunes or Spotify or some other thing. And but you can also listen and watch me because obviously you just want to see me all the time. Watch me on YouTube, because I put the videos of me filming the podcast on YouTube too, because there are some people who like to watch on YouTube and also some people have a premium YouTube and they can download videos and watch them on the go or listening to them on the go. I don't know people message me and tell me they do it on YouTube. So if you want to see me then go on the YouTubes. So yeah, yeah, so that's my life at the moment are watching Handmaid's Tale and feeling like feeling murderous rage towards men. Men in his Gilead, not men and men in real life too. But you know, you know what I mean? So today, we're talking about ways that low confidence manifests in daily life.

Unknown Speaker 6:20

And what we're covering is all the ways Hating Your Body. And having low self esteem affects our lives. The everyday ways our behavior is different if you have a lower self esteem versus if you have higher self esteem, and why being worried about other people's opinions sabotages our happiness. All right. So before we start, just a reminder, if you haven't already, is that I have something called the first fatty Vault, which is a collection of Loeb's 1818, videos and workbooks, to help you get to a place of body love. So, if you haven't already downloaded that, check the link in the description here, and you'll see it. Okay, so ways that low covenants manifests in our daily life the way numerous. Now the first category that I want to talk about is the way that you relate the way that we relate to our bodies. So when you have lower self esteem, lower body confidence, if you think that you're a big bag of shared and that you're ugly, and your body needs to become thinner, whatever it is, that ability to be able to trust yourself, trust, your body, your feelings, and your physical reality is diminished. So for example, if you you know how of dieting, something that we have to do when we're we're stopped dying as we're dieting is we have to work to build that trust with our body again, because we've been ignoring a lot of the cues for hunger, and you know, being like, Shut up, you're not hungry, just have some water. And, and so that is, is one of the ways as an example of, you know, not trusting your body, not trusting your intuition, because you don't believe yourself, because you have, if you have lower confidence, you will take other people's opinions and listen to their advice, above what you know, and what you're feeling. So we've become really good at that, especially with dieting is we take the responsibility of feeding ourselves and how to do that we, we look, we read a book or we go to some diet club or whatever. It's like, Tell me tell me how to eat because clearly I don't know how to. And passing that on to someone else means that, you know, someone else is basically eating for us in our bodies over here being like, hello, I really want some of this or some of that, and you're like, No, that's not on the plan. Even if the things are, you know, quote unquote, good things, because it's not on the plan. And so you're disconnected from your body. And even if you kind of know in the back of your mind that something is not working, you're kind of disconnected from your intuition. Not that intuition is always the best but it is nice to be able to have that trust with your body. So you're disconnected from your body because of that. And if you're disconnected with your body, and you kind of see it as a thing versus this is me and it's amazing and it's great. is a lot harder to be empathetic towards yourself and connect To care for yourself, and careful this thing that you're that's taking you through life. Like, if you hate your body, it's a lot harder to care for it than it would be if you truly thought it was okay, or if you thought it was good, right. So ways that this could manifest is doing things that are doing good things for your body, like going to the doctor's going to the dentist, or other ways to care for your body or do nice things for your body like going and getting a massage or going and going for a nice walk or you know, things like that, if you don't like your body, you're less likely to look after it and care for it. And that disconnect grows even deeper.

Unknown Speaker 10:51

Another way that this this, you know, having lower confidence manifests in the way that relate we relate to our bodies is not showing the world, the authentic version of who you are. And so for example, not dressing in the way that is authentic to you, like you might love when you see other people wearing it, like bright colors and you know, skin type things and glitter and things like that. And you're like, oh my god, it looks amazing. But I could never wear that because my body is XYZ. And another part of it is is not wanting to show it off. Why would you want to show something off that you don't like or you're embarrassed by? Not not wanting to draw attention to yourself? Because again, why would you, you know, if you think that the thing that you have is, is bad in some way. Next is relating to your body is being in photos, perhaps you don't want to be in photos, because you're afraid you're afraid of what they will look like that you're afraid that they'll look bad. And then seeing the result of the photo could make you feel awful, and could be triggering for you because you are viewing your body. And you view that body as something bad. Or this is I always find this so interesting, because you know what? The people around us know our body so well, right? They know every single angle of our body. They know what we look like when we're deep in thought they know all of the different foibles that we have like something that I do all the time that I only noticed, because I watched the videos that I do is that I rub my nose or rub my face. And it's like, I think it's a self soothing thing. So, you know, I didn't know I didn't notice that about me. But, you know, the people around us know us what we look, we'll know what we look like in every way possible, especially if someone has seen you naked, if they're your partner, like they've seen your bumhole they've seen you from angles that you've never will be able to see yourself from. And then the idea that this photo represents a version of you, that is like this temporary version of you like maybe your arm looks bigger than normal, or maybe it didn't, or, you know, your belly looks bigger in that fit photo or whatever. But the people around us know what we look like, and that photo is not going to change the way that they view us. Anyway, sidenote, I always just find that so interesting, because yeah, people know what they look like. And if you look quote, unquote, fat in a photo of you look bigger, then at times you in life, you look bigger than you, you turn your head and then you'll look thinner, you know, you're you and you know, a focus on change. Anyway, side note, next is constantly making comments about your body and about how it's bad looking or, you know, you're too big or whatever. Or you're that something about your personality that you're you're stupid or you're lazy, you know, making comments like, Oh, I'm so I'm so silly. I'm so stupid. I'm so forgetful. Oh, I really should stop doing this or whatever, you know, those kind of automatic comments and, and making jokes at your own expense. Because he if you deeply cared about your body, you wouldn't be laughing at it. You know, sometimes, you know, we, we do make jokes, you know, self depreciating jokes, and, but it comes it can come from a light hearted place. Like when I make jokes about myself, I might be like, Oh, I'm a bit of a decade, because I'm just like, you know, it is true. Like sometimes I can be a bit of a dig in and it doesn't make me feel bad about myself. It's just, you know, a way of me expressing myself and it doesn't come from a place where I'm like, how am I going I'm at home and I'm like, I'm such a dickhead. Why am I such A bad decade and everyone thinks I'm a decade. And, you know, it's not that I deeply feel like I am a dickhead, even though I am a bit of a dickhead. Do you know what I would say? You get me, you know, just making jokes about how ugly you are how no one likes you how you never get a partner or how this that, whatever. So talking about that, let's talk about being worried about other people's opinions. So this is one, worrying about what other people think of us is, I think the number one barrier that people have, when it comes to doing this work. I think that if everyone lived on a desert island on their own, if we had 8 billion desert islands in the world, because that's the world population.

Unknown Speaker 15:54

And we didn't have to think about how others perceived us, we would just be like, oh, yeah, my body's cool, you know, thanks, body, whatever. But it's the thought of the way that we are perceived, and are standing in society, which is all bullshit, by the way, that stops us from doing a lot of stuff in life. Because we feel a deep, deep sense of shame. Because when we think other people judging us negatively, not always, if you have lower confidence, the deeper that that fear, and that shame is going to be. And of course, we all want to be light, we want to be loved, we don't want to be the villain and have everyone been like, Oh, boo, you're a bad person, and you're really horrible. Like, it's natural to want that. But for that, that feeling about how other people view you to be debilitating in your life, that is a problem. So someone with lower confidence is so moved by the thought of others judging them negatively, that they don't do things that they want to do. And what it is, is really, that they hold other people's comfort, above their own happiness. Let me repeat that, because it's important. When you are so worried about other people's opinions and how people might judge you, you are worried more about someone else's comfort than you are about your own happiness. And really who we think and about when we're worried about people who who judge us, it's like, you know, Becky from high school, who was a complete bitch anyway, and she's gonna be she's on Facebook. And if you put a new picture of yourself on there, and, and you look bigger than you did a couple of years ago, well, Becky from high school be like, she's got fat, you know, all these people that we actually care about? And if they are people that we care about? Why the fuck are they being searched knobs and just judging us negatively? Anyway, so. So what this could look like this fear of, of, of judgment, because someone has lower confidence or lower, lower body confidence, is not wanting to ruffle feathers with family and friends if they are fat phobic. So not setting boundaries, though, when family or friends are talking shit about someone else, because of their appearance, not saying anything or worse, agreeing with them. And so that's a big one is the people around you are misbehaving in some ways. And you don't say anything, because you don't want to rock the boat. Or if you do say something that you're not really serious about it. Because, you know, you were like, Oh, that's not really cool. But you won't actually back it up with any action. So if they constantly like, oh, fat people are bad. And if you say hell, that's not cool, but then they say it again. And you're just like, you say nothing, then you've not set a boundary. Right? And what is the reason that you've not set a boundary? Because potentially you fear that they could reject you, they could say, chill out, you're being so uptight, you fear that they could be like, Get out of my life, you're you're a bad person. You fear that could be an argument or, you know, I don't know personally, why you if, if you don't set boundaries might do this. I know. For me, I was just like, you know, if I set a boundary, then they will be like, what's the problem with you? You're so uptight, or they might tell me to fuck off. Or they might talk about me behind my back or they might not want to be my friend anymore. And if you are if that happens and they are someone that probably shouldn't be in your life anyway. So

Unknown Speaker 20:06

okay, how else this this manifests this worried about what people think is constantly monitoring your body. So monitoring your weight, checking your bodies or body checking. So to make sure that you're okay, so for example, pulling down your shirt to make sure it's not exposed an inch of your bum or, or, you know, adjusting your shirt, so it doesn't show your tummy or, or making sure that your hair looks a certain way or, or making sure that your makeup is perfect all the time, this body checking, because really, it's about others consuming your body, and then them making a judgement about it. And so it's really about trying to control how others perceive you. And if your shirt happens to be one inch lower, then they're gonna be like, Oh, my God, that person looks really fake today, I think it is, I find it so interesting, because, you know, adjusting our clothes, you know, you say if I, you know, a shirt went above our head than you may know, you'd want to put it down. But you know, it just it just the tiniest little bit, the person viewing your body is not going to be like, Oh, they've adjusted their T shirt, one actual outway. And now they look really fit. They're not even going to notice, right. But in our brains, we're like, Okay, now, now I feel better, because my shirt is completely covering everything. And people might perceive me as being a better person or a thinner person or a beautiful person, or more handsome person, or whatever. And as well, this could manifest is as trying to manipulate your appearance in order to keep your spouse happy. And for our spouses, we might do more deliberate things to keep them happy, like dieting or dressing in ways that they like, or keeping your hair in a certain way. I know that I have. I know that. I in in my last long term relationship, which ended a few years ago, my partner at the beginning of the relationship said that his ex girlfriend after they split up, cut her hair short. And he said he didn't like it, that he prefers women with longer hair. And so this was probably now nine years ago, eight years ago, maybe. And so I listened to that. And I was like, right, I am never going to cut my hair short, because he will not find me as attractive. So I'm going to keep it really long. And, and so beautiful. And so that he's so attracted to me. And guess what I did after we broke up, it was like a couple of years after we all year after we broke up something like that a couple of years, probably, I shaved my head. Because living up to expectation he hadn't said to me, Hey, don't cut your hair. He just mentioned that one thing at the beginning of our relationship. And we were together for five or six years. And that had stuck with me that I had to have long hair, because he would find me more attractive. But that obviously was something that was going against who I wanted to be as a person because I went and shaved my hair. Yeah. So are there certain things that you're doing. And of course, like, it's normal to want to keep your spouse interested and happy. And you know that they like that one outfit, and so you're aware of it, because you know that they like it. But if you're constantly it's if you're constantly worried about how they are perceiving you, and that if you do this, and they're not going to find you attractive, if you put on weight, they're going to leave you if you you know, x, y, z, then it's going to be a problem for them, then, then that's a problem for you. Next, going along with things that you're not really into, so that people think that you're easygoing and nice. Now, I've done this many times before, you know, going to go into places with my friends or like shitty clubs and being like, Yeah, I'm so and so when really I didn't want to go to that particular place, or I wanted to be at home or whatever. Because I wanted people to perceive me as like, oh Victoria. She's so cool. And she's so fun. And she's so nice. Because I didn't realize that if I had used my voice and said, Oh, hey, actually, I think that that place is kind of shit. Let's go somewhere else, that I could still be perceived as nice and easygoing. And, you know, good or whatever. I was just so worried that

Unknown Speaker 24:54

not being a people pleaser meant that people wouldn't like me, which is not through. And it is all about control. It was all about me trying to control how people perceive me again. And I had no control over the way that people perceived me. We don't right, no matter what, people are going to perceive you in all sorts of different ways. Like, as an example, go and look up your favorite book ever on Amazon? Well, good reads, I think that's place, a place where the review books, the best book ever written, even like the number one voted best book ever, you'll go and you'll see people saying this is the best book ever written. And you'll see people saying, This is the worst book I've ever read in my life. And you'll see a variety of opinions. Now that book is, you know, a lot of people who say it's the best, but for some people is the worst. And the book is not changed between reading, you know, people reading it. So no matter what, people are gonna judge you in any way that is out of your control. But by being a people pleaser, I thought that it was more likely that people would like me. But that wasn't necessarily true. Because if you are a people pleaser, you we're teaching you we're training people about how to treat you poorly, or walk over you. Because you're not setting boundaries. And you're not saying hey, this is what I think this is what, what I want. And you're teaching people that you're not important. And there'll be people, they'll be wonderful people in life who will be like, No, listen, what do you think you you're important, and they'll encourage you to not be a people pleaser, but not everyone will. So it's all about that boundaries again. And you can already do it like we can all not be people pleasers, like we've all done it in our life. So imagine if some random person walked up to you in the street, and it was like, Oh, can you go and empty all of your bank account? And just because I feel like it they weren't threatening you or anything? Can you just give me all your money in your car and, and your clothes and everything? And I just I just fancy them? You know, I just want them. They weren't threatening you or anything. You'd be like, No, I want to keep my money and my car and my clothes and all that sort of stuff. See you later. Now of course, if they're like threatening you, you probably give them to them. Right? But if they weren't, so you know how to say no, already. You've already you know, you've already done it. And you don't worry about you might do you might worry about offending this person who said, Hey, strip, give me all your clothes. But ultimately, you're able to do it. Now when it gets into someone being like, that's an extreme example, right? But it really in day to day life, what it would look like is someone gently overstepping things and you being uncomfortable with it. So for example, say if you have a spouse, and they bring a friend home with them, and the friend is really rude from the beginning, and then sits on the couch, puts issues on the table and is like, Yo, give me some food and some beer and hurry up about it. You You would probably like, Um, excuse me, maybe you wouldn't, maybe you just get the beer and mood. But say if that same friend came round and was really nice and had good manners and was, you know, you're having a great time with them. But then they were staying really late and you had to go to work in the morning. And they were like, oh, yeah, this is so much fun. Maybe I can get another beer and there'll be kind about it. It might be a lot harder for you to say, you know, get out every Wednesday and that way, you know, to say oh, I need to go to bed now. Whereas a people pleaser might be like, you know, let it stretch for to a point where they feel really uncomfortable about it and thinking, Oh God, I'm going to be so tired tomorrow. So the thing is with people pleasers the people pleasers are not necessarily good friends. I know when I was a people pleaser, I was not a good friend because I would have these people in my life friends. And they would overstep boundaries they would, because I was a people pleaser. I'm like, no, no, it's fine. It's fine that you were 45 minutes late, and don't worry about it. And then when I you know see another friend, like you never guess what? They were 45 minutes late. I can't believe it. They're so rude. Blah, blah, blah. But then to their face. I'd be like, Oh yeah, don't worry about it because I was so worried about them. Viewing me as you know, nice and kind and chilled out and all that type of stuff.

Unknown Speaker 29:49

Yeah. So next one is on this on this vein of worrying about how people view you is being a good fatty and so Good, Fatty, bad, Fatty, I've spoken about it before. But good fatty is a is a fat person who tries to be more appealing to society. Now, people might need to do this to survive. So it's fine. If you're a good fatty and you're doing engaging in good fatty behaviors, it might be really important for you to live in this society. So good fatty behaviors will be like, a good fatty will be like, I know I'm really I'm really fat and horrible. I'm on a diet currently, don't you worry, I'm gonna get thin and get rid of all this fat, or another good fatty behavior would be working out all the time, just to show to people I am I'm not lazy, I promise or only eating salads because you know, I'm a good, I'm a good person, you know, not like there's other fatties who eat, you know, not salads, or whatever. So a good fatty is a fatty who is kind of meek and mild and isn't disturbing people with their presence. Now, a bad fatty is someone like I would be classed as a bad fatty someone who is like, you know what, I'm not going to diet to make myself more appealing to the masses. I'm going to eat a variety of food, I don't care how you view me, I am going to wear things that show my body. And I don't care what you think I'm going to work out or not work out, I'm going to do that for me. But I'm not going to do it as a show to you to say, Hey, I know that I'm horrible and disgusting, because I don't believe that I'm horrible and disgusting. Now, neither of those are good or bad or better than the other. It's just a way of being in the world. And like I mentioned, sometimes people have to engage in good fatty behaviors to survive, because they might be in a really fat phobic family or situation. And being a bad fatty is not an option for them. So neither a good or bad. But being a good fatty could be coming from a place of low self esteem. You could genuinely genuinely like only ever eating salads and, and dieting and working out 75 days a week and all that type of stuff. But chances are more likely that that comes from a place of low self esteem. So managing other people's opinions, trying to manage other people's opinions means that you're expending a lot of energy and a lot of brain power alongside all that body stuff we spoke about before. So you have less energy to give to life to living. And so that's where we move on to our next category. So our next category is self fulfillment. So self fulfillment. Now what is in here is all the stuff in that is kind of making your enriching your life or not. Because you know, the first one I'm wondering about is work for a lot of people, but doesn't not enrich your life. And it's just a way to get paid, which is fine. So I used to be in recruitment, I was in corporate recruitment for eight or nine years, and I worked for agencies and I worked in house at companies. And I interviewed 1000s of people, I've met lots of different companies. And I was, I was really good at my job. Now, this is where my interest in how people perceived themselves got started, and how I could see the candidate A who had the exact same resume or CV as candidate B, who was maybe its exact same person. And then Candidate A who thought that they were terrible, or they didn't deserve the job that they deserve less than minimum wage, would be less successful and will be less successful at getting a higher salary than Candidate B, he was like, I deserve this job. I'm qualified for this job. And I deserve to be paid fairly.

Unknown Speaker 34:07

And so when someone is able to be themselves in the job market be themselves and knows their value, they tend to do better, a lot better. And that is if we can imagine putting bigotry aside putting sexism or racism and all of the different systems that mean that various different people are not as successful because of discrimination. But if we were to compare, you know, two twins, they're the same person, that exact same resume. And I would see all the time, people just being like, I don't know, I don't know if I can do this. I should I ask for that much. And I would be like, Hello. Yes, I've I've spoken to you for the last hour. You're great. Your resume is amazing. I'm going to send your resume to the client right now. You are perfect for this job. Like you've got it and they didn't they couldn't see it. And I was just so interested in why, why is it that they couldn't see that they were a good candidate for this job. So that's where I got started. So is the way that if you are in the job market or have been in the job market, the way that you are engaging in that job market could be a lot different if you had lower confidence or higher confidence. And that as well manifested for me, before I became confident I would accept shit jobs, even when there were better jobs available for me, I wouldn't go for the better jobs, I would go for the shittiest jobs because I was like, Well, that's all I'm worth. You know, as in shit jobs as in, you know, people treat me badly there. And they didn't get paid fairly, or what paid in a couple of jobs paid less than minimum minimum wage. We know evil bosses, I remember one of my like, first proper, professional jobs, I came from my first job in recruitment, actually, I came from working in a call center, which was hell, I was not suited to a call center at all. I was really shy. So I would not want to talk to people on the phone anyway. So I'd always be like, I'm busy, I can't pick up the phone, when it's like, that's your whole job. Anyway, so I wasn't very good at that job. But I was there for probably a year and a half. And so then I went into recruitment. And my first job in recruitment was fucking horrible. Because of my boss, my boss at this place. Oh, my God, he sat opposite me. And he would do things like, stop right now. What are you doing? And you're like, Oh, I'm typing an email back to you like, oh, Jane Smith at this company? What does it say? And you're like, oh, is this it? Like, why are you doing that? He just be so controlling. And we'd have to make 10 calls a day to potential clients. And so you'd have to get them on the phone. And if you've got someone on the phone, and you didn't mention that you had a candidate that might be good to work for them, then it wouldn't be counted as a call. And he'd sit there listening to your calls. And so say, if you called a company, you'd be like, Oh, hello. You know, it's Victoria here from from this recruiting company. Do you? Are you looking for any staff, and they'd say, No, all good, not hiring at all. In fact, we've got a hiring freeze at the moment, and everyone's about to be laid off. And then if you didn't then go, Well, I have a candidate. They are really good Accounts Payable clerk and they have six years experience. And so if you didn't say that, even though they're just like, I'm about to lose my job, then it wouldn't be counted as a call. And then if you put the phone down, you'd like we can't count that as a call. It was really hard to get 10 calls a day because people wouldn't answer their phone. Anyway, it was horrible. It was horrible. I hated it. Yeah, many days where I'd be crying at work because of that. So if I had higher self esteem, I might recognize that that behavior of him he was actually eventually fired. Because he, one day, one day he said to it was all women in the office apart from him, and he was like, if any of you bitches get pregnant, I'm gonna throw you down the stairs. And someone told one of the higher ups and he got fired, and wanted someone who was secretly pregnant at the time was scared to tell him anyway, he was a knob. So yeah, if I had higher self esteem, I might recognize that that behavior was not okay. When he said he was gonna, like, throw everyone downstairs if they got pregnant. I didn't even think that that was bad. I was just like, oh, whatever, you know, I'm not gonna get pregnant. Yeah, also constantly worried about that I'm about to get fired, because I thought that I was being worthless, and constantly trying to prove myself, even though all other times I was very good at my job.

Unknown Speaker 39:09

So work stuff. Now. What about hobbies or activities? What hobbies or activities are affected because of you maybe having low lower confidence. So, you know, do you have a goal to join the dodgeball team, but you keep putting it off? Because you're worried about? Am I going to be good enough? Are people gonna like me? Or go into that singing group and you really want to go singing but you put it off because we're having lower self esteem? What is on your list of things that you'd like to try but you don't? Well, things like wanting to go, you know, being invited to go on a hike with your friends and say, Oh, no, I'm busy. Because you're worried that if you go on a hike with your friends who happen to be thin, they'll they'll be a lot more faster you'll you'll slow them down. And what if they hear you breathing? Because you're doing a hike? And you just say, Oh, no, I'm not gonna go. I would feel that big time. I'd always be like, ah, and try and be like, as fast as possible. And then, you know, if someone walked by me, instead of being like, I'd like no breathing, not breathing. Nope, nope. I don't need to consume. Funny. Yeah, so dating, what about, you know, a lot of people when they have lower confidence, they want to have a partner, but they say, I can't find a partner because I'm too horrible and disgusting and fat. And if they say they don't go on, on online dating or take, take the steps to find a partner? Or if they do they make minimal effort, don't put any pictures up. Or if they put pictures up, they put them most absolutely most flattering, like most filtered pictures of just their face, not sharing the body. Or if they do have pictures off their body. And someone messages them then being like, Oh, my God, what if this think that I look bigger, when we meet in person, just all this this fear and anxiety around dating, like, a lot more than then is necessary. And of course everyone is, is nervous around dating, you know, because, you know, women don't want to get murdered, and men don't want to get laughed at. You know, it's natural to be to be anxious to a degree, but if it's debilitating and stopping you from doing these things, then it could be an issue. Next, starting your own business, do you want to start your own business, or your your kind of side would have her side hustle or something like that. But you're not because it means that you might have to be on camera, you might have to take photos of yourself, you might have to do some marketing, and you might have to put yourself out there, you might have to share your story. And all of that just seems like not something that someone like you could do. And so you just don't do it. Think of all of the incredible businesses out there run by that could be run by cool, diverse people. Not buy rich, old white men, and people are not doing it. And obviously there's lots of barriers there as well. But if they don't believe that they can do it, because they have lower confidence. And I just want to go around and just be like, just plug in people's just plug in my confidence, or, you know, higher confidence is with a wand or something for them to be like, Oh, I can do it. Oh, okay. Yeah, no, no, what do you think of all those kind of things, you know, and if you do have you do want to start a business, it's just, it's a gift to the world for you to be able to share your story and share what's going on. And yeah, if you want to don't, don't let low confidence stop, you please, we need more cool, fatty run more diverse businesses out there. And as well, with this self development is self fulfillment is doing self development. So during a core sort of going to university, believing that you might fail, or believing that you can't improve, or that you are special and how fucked up you are. And so what's the point in doing a course to learn how to feel more confident about yourself because you're a special kind of fucked up and it's never going to work for you. That's all beliefs from feeling like you know, from having lower confidence. And another thing is saying, you know, I ask people a lot why is it what is what is standing in your way of of becoming more confident in so many people say, Me, not me, as in Victoria, me as in them. They say me I am the problem. I am why I can't feel more confident, my brain and my thoughts and why I can't feel more, more confidence confident. And for me not knowing the steps is really what stopping people.

Unknown Speaker 44:21

Because what I hear is when they say me, is by here, I don't know if I can feel more confident, because I don't know how to do it. I'm the one standing in my way, but it's not you. It's that you don't have the steps, right? If someone just said, Okay, take this one step forward, you're gonna feel a little bit better. And another step a little bit better. But, you know, people are saying it's me. It's me, I'm the problem. And yeah, it's your brain. You have a brain. If you're listening to this, you have If you're a human being with a brain, congratulations. So if you have a brain and yes, it's you know, your thoughts and all that type of shit. But a lot of times, it's because people don't see a way. And so they make it about them. Okay, so the stuff, the stuff, the way that this manifests is different having a lower confidence having global body competence, that it manifests differently for everybody. So some of these things, you might like, no, that's not me. And some of these things you might hear, that's me, oh, my gosh. But low confidence, low body competence is nefarious and insidious. It's, it's in all aspects of our lives, and it affects everything. And that's why when we work on this stuff, so many different areas of our lives seem to improve. And, like areas where you're like, Oh, I didn't think about that being a fitting, but now this area of my life seems easier, because I don't hate my body, or think that I'm a piece of shit all the time, you know, unexpected, unplanned things, because this stuff is everywhere. It's like tentacles in all aspects of our lives. And that this is just stuff that I'm missing out today. Now, there's going to be so much stuff that I didn't have the time to get round to. But, you know, these are kind of key areas. And like I say, every one is different. So I'm curious, what, in what ways could this be affecting you? If you have lower confidence? If you have lower body confidence? In what ways is that manifesting in your life in what ways that stopping you from living stopping you from being the authentic you in what ways it is the fear of other people's judgments or the fear that you might be a failure, stopping you. And I encourage you to list it out, because it's actually very helpful as motivation to take action. Because a lot of a lot of times, what we do is we will minimize these things. And we'll be like, Ah, it's not that big of a deal. It's not that big of a deal. Because if we really have to look at it, we realize how this thing is affecting so many parts of our lives. And it will compel us to take action because if we realize shit, I'm dating guys who treat me badly, I've got jobs, like, I got a job that I hate, and I dress only in black, because I'm worried that if I wear the clothes that I really want to wear people that are laugh at me, and I'm constantly thinking about going on a diet and keeping my partner happy and all of these things, then, you know, it adds up. And when you're able to make small changes in your confidence, that adds up to where you get to a place where you're like, holy shit, I can't believe that working on my body confidence working on my self esteem and self compassion has such a positive effect on all of these different aspects of my life. Okay, well, I hope that was helpful for you and you've got some oh my god, shit. Yeah, I do that moments from it's not an aha moment. Oh, my God, oh, shit. Yeah. That's me. And rights, rights, rights and medicine, and things down if you want. If you don't, don't worry, you know, I'm not the boss of you, you do what you want. But it's really helpful to know why this shit affects us so badly. And screw this stuff is wrong.

Unknown Speaker 48:55

And by the way, if you have lower competence and lower body body competence, it's not your fault. We live in a society that is trying to make us be distracted with this unimportant shit. And to keep us less empowered, because we are so busy worrying what other people think of us and our bodies, and how we're not good enough so that we can't rise up and do amazing shit as much as if our head was clear and not having to think about you know, what we're allowed to eat next, and all that type of stuff. So it's not that we can change it, we can change it, we can change it together. Okay, well, thanks for hanging out to do and I'll see you in the next episode. And hey, if you haven't already getting that first fatty Vault, which is all of the juicy stuff I've made in the last two years to help you get to a place of body love, and food freedom all for free. tons of videos and workbooks and sexy sexy sexy stuff. link in the bio. Go get that for free and I'll see you in the next episode. Okay, stay face fatty and I'll see you later Crockett. Goodbye.