Episode 29 Transcript

You're listening to the Fierce Fatty podcast. I am your host, Victoria Welsby and in this episode 29, we are diving into part two of my story of domestic abuse. Let's do it.

You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm Victoria Welsby TEDx speaker, bestselling author and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self-esteem to being a courageous and confident first fatty who loves every inch of this jellied society teaches us living in a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter. Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century. So how do you stop a negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty podcast. Let's begin.

Okay, so we are into part two. This originally was going to be one episode, but it turned out to be over 19 minutes long, just the first recording. And then I recorded it yesterday and then I realized I had other things that I wanted to say. So I thought, Oh, you know, I'm going to split it into two episodes. So my first two-parter and in this part we are going to be getting into the escalation of violence and how I got out. And actually when I eventually left, I had to leave most of my possessions behind. I had left the house and then I sent him a letter saying the relationship was over and I knew that here's a reaction. His anger, his wrath was incredibly dangerous. And I was working in a bar at the time and the bouncers, the doormen they knew about this abuse going on because he had gone in and punched my boss, the manager of the bar.

And so they said that they would come round with me on a day that I knew he was going to be out and grab some things. And, I did that and I went around and I still had a key and it was terrified. They were like, one of them was at the door, you know, waiting to see if he came back, you know, for some reason but he was out with his friends. He did was go out with his friends on a Monday night and I frantically grabbed together a few things. Like I didn't have a van or anything like that. I don't even remember if I had a car, if I was just on my bicycle. But I remember I just literally grabbed things like my birth certificate or some of my artwork or a few clothes literally, you know, in there for 10, 20 minutes cause I was so terrified of him coming back. One of the bouncers, because they weren't afraid of him. They were like, this guy's an asshole. And cause my ex wasn't like some, you know, burly guy or anything. He was pretty, he was a dweeb basically, kind of like the way that I would picture him now, kind of like this sniveling kind of do we be pathetic? Not that being a dweeb is bad, but you know, he's not going to be. There's no way he would ever stand up to anyone who had any type of authority or power, like these bounces. And one of them came into the house and did a shit in the toilet and didn't flush it and then got his toothbrush and like rubbed it on his shit. And I was like so anxious about this. But now I'm like, yes. Fuck yes, you did it. You did that. Because my ex, he wouldn't let me poop. And the idea that he would come home and there'd be a poo in the toilet, I was like mortified because, you know, I was thinking like, what if he thought that I did the poo and I just gone wild and just came into the home and just pooed. Now I couldn't give a fucking shit. I'm so pleased that he saw a poo, but anyway, so my ex wouldn't let me go to the toilet. He wouldn't let me poo if I, if he caught me pooing, he would just be like, Oh my God, you are so disgusting. I can't believe you did that. Oh, you know, what is wrong with you? Which is just incredible that someone would behave like that. So him leaving a poo in the toilet was pretty simple, really.

So, you know, I couldn't poo, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. My basic human needs were not being met. And what a great position for him to have got me into where I was going mad. I was tortured. Imagine, not being able to sleep, not being able to go to the toilet, not being able to eat. These are basic needs. He smoked, I was asthmatic. He would just like smoke in bed and I wouldn't be able to breathe properly. Like Holy shit. And as well, like the sleeping thing got even worse because I realized actually we must've been together longer than two years getting on for three years because I had gotten into university and I was going to university. And normally when you go to university, do you move to wherever your university is? The university I went to was Darby, but he did not want me to move to a different city obviously cause he would lose control of me.

And so he said why don't you commute there and I will help pay the train fare. And I agreed. Of course he didn't pay any train fare or help me in any way financially. Instead he did the opposite. He would take my money, but my commute to get to university was from door to door, three and a half hours long. So imagine that like the amount of, you know what time in the morning I'd have to get up, walk to the bus stop, get a bus to the city center, get a train to a different city, then get another train to my university city cause there wasn't a direct train then get another bus and then walk all while carrying like loads of art equipment and things like that. And being sleep deprived, it was, you know, I was just hanging on by a thread really. So he could have and I would do anything for an easy life.

And so I was, you know, that he'd got me into a place where I was a perfect victim because I was so beaten down, so exhausted, so hungry, needed to do a shit so badly. Like I would hold in my poo for hours and hours until the moment he left. And I remember when he would go to work you know, saying goodbye to him at the door and then finally locking the door and then running into the bathroom so that I could go to the toilet. And I remember one time him coming back for something and just being like, Oh my God, he's caught me in the act of doing a poo. Like it's bizarre and sad and just goes to show like how much he controlled like my bodily functions now I poo whenever I want.

So there's an eight stage pattern that has been established that domestic abuse killers follow. And my ex pretty much got to six to seven, you know, in the pattern stage, six or seven before killing me. I'll link to it in the show notes. The show notes will be fiercefatty.com/029 for episode 29, fiercefatty.com/029. If you want to read the full BBC article about this. But these are the eight stages that they did a study of like 327 people who were killed by their partner and they identified every single one of these as something that was happening. So first is having a pre relationship history of stalking or abuse by the perpetrator. Now this one, this is difficult because you might not know that who you're with. They could be hiding it. I knew because you know, after a certain while he told me about how he stalked and abused his previous partners.

Next, the romance developing quickly into a serious relationship. That's exactly what happened. Within two weeks, he had told me that he loved me. We barely spent a day apart from the day that we met and we were living together within a matter of months. Next the relationship becoming dominated by coercive control. And so coercive control you know, being a bit of a bully making you feel guilty manipulating you. They're being coercive and they're controlling you with their behavior. So it doesn't necessarily mean that they're violence. Next, trigger to threaten the perpetrator control, for example, the relationship ends or the perpetrator gets into financial difficulty. So something happens, most likely the relationship ends. Next it's escalation, so an increase in the intensity or frequency of the partners control tactics such as stalking or threatening suicide.

So my ex did both of these things. He did threaten suicide. He did stalk me, stalked my family. And then the next stage is the perpetrator has a change in thinking, choosing to move on, either through revenge or by homicide. And so my ex chose to move on through revenge. He had told me all of the things he was going to do to me if I broke up with him and he did all of those things. The next stage is planning. The perpetrator might buy weapons or seek opportunities to get the victim alone. So my ex words hanging outside where I was living with my sister in at nighttime, watch where I was going. And all the times I wasn't alone, so he could have been looking for opportunities to get me alone. I don't know.

Next the final stage is homicide. The perpetrator kills his or her partner, their partner and possibly hurts others such as the victims, children. Now, he didn't get to this stage, obviously, because I am alive. But we don't know how far he could have taken it if certain things didn't happen. Like I got a restraining order against him. I didn't engage with him in any way. Not saying that, you know, engaging with them or not engaging with them is a factor. It's got nothing to do with what the victim does. But for me, luckily it didn't end in my mud. But this goes to show that you don't have to have actual violence in the relationship. You can just be with someone who is controlling and that could still lead to murder. And leaving is the most dangerous time because they're losing control of you.

And they're like, well, if I can't have, you know, and can they need to do something dramatic to either seek revenge or get you back. And so if you are thinking of leaving, please reach out to organizations that can help. A regular thing to say to people who want to leave is to have a plan in place. Perhaps if you feel comfortable, talk to the police and find out what your options are. Find out if they can help you in any way. And for me, I kept my ex thinking that he had a chance, even though I knew that I didn't want to be with him, because whenever he would just turn up at my sister's house, I would be like, Oh, yeah, maybe. And then eventually I sent the letter saying the relationship is over and I never went back to the house.

And I also, I left the city for a week or so he couldn't get me. I went to Scotland. So a reminder, if you've not experienced violence but you feel like you're being manipulated or controlled, it's still abuse. Or just because your partner may have only said or done a fraction of what my ex did. It's still abuse and it's not okay. Any single, one of the things I've said about what my ex has done, every single one of those things is abuse. So if you've just experienced one of the sentences of me saying, Oh, you know, him saying, why is your body like that? That's abuse. So there's no kind of top trumps on, Oh well my abuse isn't abuse enough because he's not, or they've not, you know, struck me. Or sometimes they're really, really nice and you know, it's only rarely that they are, say these mean things or, you know, manipulate me or whatever. Abuse is abuse and the impact that it has on you is totally individual. My ex was physically abusive, but his coercive control probably had a greater impact on me than his violence. And so just because you might not have experienced violence doesn't mean that the impact is not as great or even greater than someone who has experienced violence. And again, it's not top trumps of I've been abused the most or whatever. But just to recognize what you're feeling if you are not feeling good in the relationship. Is your feelings are valid and you still deserve to seek help if you want it. And you deserve support and you deserve to be treated well in a relationship.

So let's get back to the story and the reminder about the trigger warning, we're going to be talking about violence, sexual abuse, alcoholism, self-harm, and mention of suicide. This is quite brief that the self harm and suicide and this episode gets a lot heavier as he begins to get more abusive and more dangerous. And so if you feel like you're not in a head space for that or that might trigger you, then please maybe skip this episode. You can skip to the last five minutes maybe where I'm like, Ooh, that was hard. Or just you know, skip it altogether. I hope that you are well and safe and a reminder to Google, you know, to find resources if you need resources. And as someone who has been a target of domestic abuse and violence and also has someone in my family who is lots of people actually in my family who are victims of abuse and violence as an outsider, if you know someone in your life that is you suspect or you know, is experiencing something like what I experienced it can be really tempting to just be like, dump him.

He's a fucking asshole. Like, how can you let him treat you like that? I know I have felt like that so many times when someone I love is clearly being abused by someone else and I just want to, you know, shake them and be like good ally. Unfortunately, that's not necessarily the most helpful thing that you can do. What you can do is educate yourself on how to support someone in your life who is experiencing abuse. And most of the time it is being a compassionate, open listener and saying that you're there from them, not judging them for not leaving. If they leave and go back not being like, Oh my God, I can't believe you're doing that. But of course you don't have to. If your person in your life is experiencing abuse and it's trickling out into you or you're being abused by that person as well in some way, then you also have the right to protect your own mental health. You're being abused. You know how complicated it is because you love this person. You know that deep down there's a good version of them. And that's kind of, for me, that was what I was clinging on to that there is a good version of them under there. But the truth was the version that they show to me, the most is there's a true version of them. And my ex just happened to be a complete and utter asshole.

Okay. So let's get into episode two. Then he started getting violent and so I think it was over a piece of, you know, missing slice of bread that he would get into a rage. And I remember one time running into the living room and shutting the door and he just got there just before I could like shut the door properly. Not that there was a lock on the door anyway, and slamming his body into the, into the door and managing to get his arm around the door and trying to punch me with his fist. And so I was creeping into the, you know, the edge of the door to, to miss his punches and creeping down to the floor of the door. And so then he would get more purchased to put more of his arm in to try and punch me. And all of a sudden he just stopped. And then he just started crying outside saying, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And, then I was like, I felt sorry for him. And he'd say, Oh, I'm so sorry. And I'm like, well, he didn't, you know, he might have like punched my elbow, my shoulder or something. He might have got a few punches in my arm or something, but he didn't punch my face, so, you know, and he was just trying to get into the room, you know, I wasn't letting him into the room and, you know, so, and then he stopped. So this is what my brain was saying to me. One Christmas, my mum visited from Ireland and I missed her so terribly, you know, I was being abused and life was fucking awful and I was very attached to my mum. She was a very kind of, she was the sweet one of my mum and dad. My mum was the sweet one and my dad was a mean one.

And so I had put my mum on this pedestal as being this perfect human being when no one is a perfect human being. So anyway, I missed her terribly and I had decided I was going to spend Christmas day with her. She was staying at my sister's house and not with this boyfriend, and he was really not happy about that, but I had kind of put my foot down and I said, I'll be back the next day. I'll see you in the morning and then I'll be back the next day. So I went to my sisters and we had Christmas lunch and by around four or five o'clock, we get a knock on the door and it's him raging drunk saying, I need to go home. And so I didn't want my family to know that he was an alcoholic or that he was abusive at this point. I don't know if they knew, I thought they didn't know, but you know, it was pretty obvious that something was going on. You know, just even the way that I speak about him, I'm like, I'm terrified of him. So he said, you know, we're going home and he gathered up all my little gifts that I got and we went home. And I remember walking and he had this bag of gifts and saying I don't want to go home and I would never say something like that. I would just go along with it. And, he was like, well, tough, you're going home. And we eventually did get home and I was just like, I don't feel good about this. I want to go and see my mom. Like I don't ever get to see her. And, so he was like, well, if you leave now, I'm going to smash every single one of your gifts that you got today.

And I had this like defiance in me and I said, fine, go ahead. And as I was, you know, putting my clothes on my jacket back on and my shoes on, he got the bag of stuff and I remember him opening up CD cases. This is when we still have CDs and bending the CD until it snapped and getting out something else and smashing it. And at that point, I didn't care because I felt this kind of defiance of I'm going to go back and spend time with people who love me and who don't abuse me. And I went back and it, you know, by this time, it was a little bit later and my family were like, what are you doing back? And I was just like, Oh, I just missed you. And you could see that they were suspicious, but they just didn't say much.

And we just, you know, had a great night watching TV. So I was starting to get a little bit more independent and you could tell that he was not happy about this. So he kind of amped up the pressure, which is often what happens. I remember one night we went out drinking and I wasn't really drinking that much. I wasn't really into it. And he wanted to get me really drunk. And when we got home, it was late. And I was like I want to go to bed. And he was like, you're not allowed to go to bed unless you drink a bottle of wine. And I was like, I don't want to, you know, after a night owl and you just like, I just want to go to bed. And he was like, well, you have to drink this bottle of wine. And so he poured me this glass and, you know, I was kind of sipping it. And eventually he passed out, which was like, I thought that that was going to happen. And so, I went to bed and left him passed out on the sofa and he woke up and he came into the bedroom and he must have been really annoyed because he came in and he raped me. He came in and he raped me vaginally and anally and I lay there and he laid on top of me and it was horrible and disgusting. And then he passed out and rolled over. And probably had no recollection of it. Now at the time I was like, this is horrible. I don't like this. But I didn't understand that what he did was rape. It was only till years later that I really process what happened.

And I was like, Oh my God, what he did was rape. And it that comes like, I think at that time my brain was so overloaded with everything else that was happening that I could not process, that this other thing was happening to me. And the bed was always a funny place for me because he was, you know, he'd always have that TV on and, and so I'd always be constantly woken up in the bed. And one time in the night he woke up and he punched me while I was sleeping and now he'd come in and raped me. And so the place where you should feel safe, your bed, I was really unsafe. And him coming in doing that because I hadn't drunk the wine or whatever. It was all about power, right. And I had retreated to somewhere where I could be a little bit more safe from him.

And he came and made sure that I was reminded that I wasn't safe from him anywhere in the house. So another time it was my best friend's and we were having a party at different friend's place and he had been drinking all day long. And so I didn't want him to come because once he got drunk, he got, you know, he was volatile and anything could happen. And so I was like, I don't want you to come. And he said, well, I'm coming. You've got no choice. And at this time I was getting a little bit more courage and stuff. And so I said, well, I'm going to leave. And I had a bag with the presence of my best friend at that time. We'd buy to the light loads of presence. And as I was leaving, he grabbed the presence I had bought from my friend and he threw them in the bin at the front and try to pour bleach all over them and I managed to grab them.

I don't know how and I just ran. So my friend was coming to pick me up at the house and I just ran. And this is the days where we'd have telephone box boxes and I ran to a telephone box. It was maybe five minutes away. And I went there because I knew that that telephone box had bushes around it. And so I kind of went through the blocks in different ways to try and shake him cause he was chasing me. He was running after me because he was drunk. He wasn't as fast as me normally he would be. And so I got to this telephone box and I called my friend cause I didn't have, this was before mobile was really, we had mobiles but not really. I probably didn't have any credit and I called her and I was like, Oh Hey, how you doing?

Oh, I just pop to the shop. So I'm at this phone box, so can you just pick me up from this phone box, you know, nonchalant and then head behind a bush, which was behind the phone box because he, at one point he walked by, not directly by, but he was at prowling trying to find me and if he had seen my friend, he would have just waved it down and been like, Oh, I'm coming in with you. And then he would have just ruined everything. And so my friend drove up to the phone box and I saw her car and you know, then I jumped up and got in the car and they're like, what are you doing behind the bush? And I was like you know, nothing and just hate everything. No one knew anything about what was going on. And I think I stayed out that night and you know, I don't know what happened next, but I had a great time.

I remember having a great time and being like, I'm so pleased he's not here. Another time I remember I wanted to leave the house for something. Maybe I wanted to go around my sisters. And I remember him saying, you're not allowed to because I'd be spending more and more time at my sister's, which is kind of what happens is you kind of become more independent. And he could see that me spending time at my sisters, even though all we did was, you know, have dinner, watch TV, you know, nothing, you know, we do. It's not like we, you know, went out and had sex with guys or something, but we're just watching TV anyway. So he didn't want me to go and in our place he would lock everything as much as possible. So the front door had like three locks on it and the windows had these really weird kind of screw nut things where you had to get this special key to unwind the screws to open the windows anyway.

And so I got to the front door and he got there before me. I managed to unlock a couple of the locks maybe. And so then I ran to the kitchen and I was like, okay, cause he was really drunk. I'm going to climb up the kitchen window. So I started unscrewing the two locks to the window and I turned around and he had a knife and his face was just pure rage of I'm going to kill you. He knew that I was, his grip around me was loosening and so he had to up the ante. And so I couldn't get these windows things unscrewed in time. And luckily because he was so drunk, we had a small kitchen, but I managed to get round him some way, run to the front door and get the final couple of locks and done grab my bike. The bike was in between me and him and he started kicking my bike, trying to buckle the wheel. And we were out in the street basically, and I remember screaming for help and we're in a colder sack. And so there was many houses that looked upon this place and no one came out. And I don't know if they heard me or if they did or not or whatever. But I remember feeling so sad that no one came out to help me. I managed to wrestle the bike off him, got on it and frantically cycled away. And he tried to chase me, but he was on foot and drunk and I was on my bike. I called my sister, I must have had phone credit at that point. I called my sister and I said, help me. He's trying to attack me. And she and her boyfriend met me half way to their house. He was brandishing his skateboard, ready to hit him. And we went back to her place. He didn't come around, which was a good idea. So this was like the beginning of the end. I kept defying him when he was saying, you better stay in. And you know, I was at my sister's more and I had struck a friendship with a guy I worked with and he was super kind to me and we would spend time together and he would, you know, we'd go to for coffee shop and he would like say, can I buy the coffee? And this was like something as simple as him saying, can I buy the coffee was absolutely foreign to me.

It would be a case of, you know, if I went to the coffee shop with that guy, he would be like, well, your coffee is like, yours is 12P because you know, your coffee was more expensive. We, you know, whatever. I remember one time he was like it's lunchtime and I got a salad. And he's like, do you want something else to eat? And I remember being like, what do you mean? Like I'm allowed something else to eat that, you know, thinking in my head, I wouldn't say out loud cause I was like, Oh, I'm a food addict. And I be like, Oh no, this salad is fine. That's all I need. So he would also try and manipulate me in other ways and say things like, Oh, if you ever leave me, I will kill myself. He would cut his wrists. He would lock himself in the bathroom and run the bath and you know, cut away as his wrist. But he wasn't actually cutting himself. He would just get a little bit of a graze, but enough for me to be like, you know, don't do that and I'll look after you and feel sorry for him. He's very manipulative. So after him chasing me with the knife, he was all apologizing and try to make it better and was like, I'm going to get better. I'm going to stop being an alcoholic. And let's like start from scratch and we'll just go on a few dates. And I remember saying, okay, and then we went on a date together and we went for, he took me for a picnic.

Now, this was wild because he had bought food with his money and he had bought food that he knew that I would like and he said as much as you like. And he also didn't bring alcohol, so I was like, Oh my God, he's really turned a leaf here. I can't imagine how frustrating it must have been from my sister to see after being chased with a knife. And I was terrified when we got back to her house. I was just sobbing and you know, it was awful to then be like, we know we're going to try again and you know, we're going to go for a day. And only it was really nice and she didn't say anything to me. She didn't say like, this guy is a fucking loser get rid of him. She just let me get on with it, which was probably best thing to do.

But you know, this, this date we went for a picnic and it was all great. And I was like, Oh my God, this is the real him but he couldn't last, right. He would turn up at my sister's drunk and I would like turn them away. And one time he went to the pub and he got into a fist fight with someone and he came, turned up drunk and with a black eye and I was just like, Oh my God, he's totally out of control. And so I knew that I had to break up with him. I knew like that was it. I need to break up with him. So I knew that I couldn't break up with him face to face because as he told me, he would punch the person straight in the face. So I wrote him a letter and went around to the place that we lived in and put this letter through the letter box. And I think he saw me through the window and he must have known that that letter was your dumped basically. And I remember just running, running, running, running. I remember looking from a far, I don't know how I saw this, but I saw him coming out of the house and going through the streets, like zigzagging through different alleyways and trying to throw him off my trail and I'm getting away from there because it wasn't safe. And he obviously read the letter and he said to me, if you ever break up with me, I will make your life a living hell. This is what I will do. I will punch your boss. I will throw a brick through your sister's window. I will stalk your sister. I will stalk your sister's boyfriend. I will stalk you. I will make sure that you can never live in this city ever again.

And he lived up to that promise. He stalked the house one time came home cause I'd moved into my sister's. He was passed out on the front doorstep and we all had to just go away and come back later when he'd gone. He watched me and one day I went out to the cinema with my sister. I came back home. Soon as we came out back home bricks went through the front window. He went to my place of work, punched my boss. Luckily, I worked at a pub. And so, you know, that type of violence was, you know, a little bit more. They were used to, you know, people, you know, that type of thing versus if it wasn't. If it was in an office he stalked my sister. He would go into her place of work.

He would follow and harass her boyfriend. When he threw a brick through the window, we called the police, thank God. And the police, I remember them saying like, asking me questions like, does he hit you? And I was like, no. Cause at the time I was like, well, he's never like directly punched me right in the face. Like he's never given me a bloody nose. Now I know, like he know he was violent towards you. He might not have punched you in the face, but he's punched you and other parts of your body. He's grabbed you. He raped you. Like and so I was like, no, but I'm scared of him. And the police were actually a lot more clued into domestic violence than a lot of stories that I've heard. And so they actually arranged for it to go to court to get a restraining order.

And so we went to court and by this time I had a new boyfriend cause I wasn't waiting around to get a new boyfriend. I was like new boyfriend within probably a week or so, cause I couldn't possibly be alone. I remember we went to court and I went there with my new boyfriend and with a guy friend from the pub. And I sat right in the back of the court and they sat like I was next to the wall and they sat next to me, like both of them protecting me from him cause I was terrified of this guy. And the judge was like, Oh, is the victim here? And I was like, yes. And they were like, Oh, you've got a restraining order against you for a year, don't contact her, don't do anything and as he left and he was like, you can go. And as he left my now ex-partner the whole way that he left the hole with him walking out, he just glared at me. And as he got to the, just before he left, the judge said, come back here. And he said, I watched you staring at her, trying to intimidate her. And then he gave him a blocking and was like, don't do that. And that was so satisfying that he wouldn't put up with his bullshit. And he's like, you walk back out here and you keep your eyes to yourself and that was so satisfying. I had really bad PTSD from this for probably a year. Very often I would cry myself to sleep. I was very, very, very damaged. My new boyfriend, he wasn't perfect, but he wasn't an abuser and he would be really confused as to why I would act in certain ways, kind of like preemptively terrified of him.

I remember one night making him spaghetti and bringing it in to him and I brought him at his end. And then I came in with mine and my stroke fat fell straight on the floor. And I remember that moment of it falling on the floor and expecting the same reaction of when I spelt the paint. And I remember just like, I'm going, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry and like picking it all up and then putting it in the bin and then scrubbing the floor and then watching the play and, then they're watching the play and he comes in, he's like, Hey, what are you doing? Just have half of my dinner. Like, you don't have to wash up now. Just look what's the problem? Why so stressed out? Like, and he was really confused by it. And him not being an abuser was really healing towards me.

He was a bit controlling, but compared to what I experienced, it was like one of a hundred. Now I wouldn't take someone like him, but at the time it was you know, a lot better for me. The best thing for me probably would be straight to go into intensive therapy after that. But, you know, that's not how life went. So years later, I did tons of therapy. It was a while before I got into therapy, maybe five, six, seven years after that had happened. I got out of the relationships, I was 19 when I got out of the relationship and realized then, you know, having this, I remember exactly where I was when I realized that what he did was rape. And then I went to counseling through a women's charities in Vancouver and we spoke about telling the police about what he did and they supported me and like understanding what it was like to report to the police what it would be like to go to trial.

And we went to like the courts in Vancouver to see what a court system is like. And you know, what could happen. Obviously it was a little bit more difficult because I would have to report it in the UK and I was in Canada at the time. But then the next time I went back to the UK, I made an appointment with the police and I reported the rape and they were so good. I'm really pleased to tell you that they were so good because a lot of stories I hear, you know, police being like, Whoa, what were you wearing? Well, you were in a relationship, it's not running ramp, you know? But they would just great. There was someone who was specialized in I think sexual violence, something like that. We did an interview in every nice room, you know, no, not like a traditional interview room with a table and hard chairs, but it was like sofas and stuff and they had cameras, but the cameras were like hidden.

So you, it wasn't invasive. And so it was just having a chat with a police officer who wasn't dressed in the uniform. They would just dress casually and they were really thorough asking lots of questions and they really made me feel like I was believed like what had happened was wrong. Me reporting, it was important. I didn't expect anything to come of it because it was years and years later. I couldn't even tell. I couldn't tell them what the date was. There was no evidence it was my word against him but they went round and spoke to him. Now, just the fact that they went around to spoke to him was so satisfying. And they called me after and said, Oh, he says that he absolutely didn't. And he says, call my other girlfriends, I'll tell you that I haven't raped them.

And I was thinking, yeah, I bet they've got some stories to tell. I remember him one time telling me that his ex-girlfriend, he says, one time I was having sex with one of my ex-girlfriends and she was just there crying. And so I had to keep having sex with her and she was crying. It was really annoying. And you know, me looking back on that now being like, Hmm, you're probably raping her is why she was crying and why are you still having sex with her if she's crying anyway? So, and I knew what effect the police going around to him would have on him. He would be terrified. He would be, it would really fuck with him. And so then I heard later that your mom is saying, Oh, you know, we can't pursue the case, which is what I expected. Then just, you know, me doing this years later. So it must have been 10 years after our relationship ended. It was so satisfying for me to know that he knows that I have put my foot down and said, it is not okay that you did that. And I know that now versus at the time me thinking, wow, you know one way the police were disappointing was after the restraining order that didn't stop him stalking me. He would come to my work now, I worked in a bar and so he would come to my work and then I would call the police and say, he's come to my work. And because it was a bar, they would say, well, we can't prove that he's come here to stalk you. He could just be coming here to have a drink. He was barred. He was not allowed to go to the bar because the bar had bothered him because he punched the manager and he also had a restraining order about come to see me. But they were like, well technically. And then it was like, well he's gone into my sister's work and threatened her. Well, you know, it's not a restraining order against your sister is against you. And so unfortunately there was nothing that could be enforced when it came to him breaking the restraining order. He would actually have to come and assault me or something like that. So, you know, eventually I did leave my hometown and when I do go back to my hometown, I am very legitimately scared because I think if I see him, he will be so angry that I dared to call the police and tell them that he had raped me, that he would probably assault me.

And the way that his stature and the way he walks, it's not distinctive or anything, but you know how you can tell when someone you can see them in silhouette and you can see that that's their walk and that's sort of what they look like. And I remember one time being back in my hometown and seeing him and just being like, Oh my God, and like darting into a shop and, being like, Oh my God, Oh my God, I'm in danger. But I don't know if it was him, but yeah. So we took a long time for me to heal my relationship with food and to realize that I actually wasn't a food addict. I was just so incredibly deprived of food and abused with food. That it was no surprise that I was thinking and dreaming and, you know, seeking out food a long time to heal my relationship with my body because he was so like, Oh, why are you so disgusting? You're so fat to grow my self-esteem and to overcome that. PTSD, I still have PTSD symptoms. It still takes a long time for me to feel comfortable in bed. If there's a guy in my life, even my last boyfriend who I was with for six years, although within six, 'm like, Oh, it's a long time. If he would come to bed after me and come to bed in the night, hug me, I'd be like, like really scared, like jumping up if, you know, I was asleep and he came and he hug me or he moved the covers or he accidentally like knocked my foot or something. It would be a real problem. And so I'd always be like, you have to be really gentle and quiet and, I noticed that, you know, with new guys not being comfortable with them being in my bed, like having to, you know, that is probably, you know, I don't know how long it's going to take to get over that.

It makes sense that it's hard to get over that. But not feeling like my bed when there's a man around is not safe. Now my bed, when I'm alone, I do feel safe in which is nice that I can be safe on my own. But to get over my PTSD, I did a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy and then after a few years of doing that, I did Pts. I did EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization Reprogramming. I did an episode about what EMDR is and it is phenomenal. There was some things I just couldn't get out of my brain, like the silhouette of him walking towards me at the door or the image of him asking for money with his hand, his hand doing that give me money. His face when he was holding that knife and me trying to climb out the window and me hiding in a bush after and him trying to buckle my wheel and, you know, all of these things I just couldn't know, like in a loop because what's happening is my brain is like, this is a threat.

And wasn't able to process it as something that had happened in the past. And EMDR really helped me do that and cracked it. But still, there's still things that I need to work on, like, you know, the sleeping and I think I always will be affected by it. And the more I learn about what is not okay in relationships. The more I realized the extent to which I was abused. And if you had asked me at the time in the relationship, are you being abused right now? I'd say no. My boyfriend, like he might have a drinking problem, but that's it. He's the only one who when he drinks sometimes he might get a bit annoyed or whatever, but you know, no, he's fine. And I wouldn't have said that I was abused and it took years for me to be like, Oh, well, being terrified of your partner is not good. Being able to eat food is not good. Not being able to tell anyone in your life about what's going on in the relationship is not good. Being treated like shit is not good. Having my money taken away from me is not good, et cetera, et cetera. And you know, as the years have gone by, I'm like, Oh my gosh, I cannot believe that I survived that. And I feel so sad that Victoria at that age believed that, that was okay. And the way that I saw it was his behavior is not that bad. I'd always be like, I'd minimize it. It's not that bad. You know, all relationships are like this because I'd seen my mom's relationship with my dad and that was normal. And you should be a bit scared of your partner, right. And you know, men are very selfish, right? Not true. You shouldn't be scared of your partner. Men are not inherently selfish. And I knew no one else could put up with someone who looked like me, who was also addicted to food like me. Like I was in my mind, broken. And so it was either be with this guy or never be with anyone else ever again. That was in my head. That the choices, you know, be with this guy or if I did manage to get another boyfriend, they'd probably be worse than this guy. I had it lucky, at least this guy was, you know you know, he was not punching me in the face every day. So he's not that bad. And that was a behavior, that justification and minimizing was a behavior that I had learned very well from my childhood of, you know, at least my dad was doing this and that and the least he blah, blah, blah.

So yeah, that is it. That's my abusive relationship in full as a heavy one, right. And it's a long one, like 90 minutes long. And actually I have started getting back onto the dating apps. So yeah, getting back into the dating world. I've been single for a few years now after my six year relationship and I was doing a bit of Tindering or OkCupid thing when I'm maybe a year ago, but then I found in rural Ireland, there's like three people and then like when you've gone through them and you're like, Oh, so yeah. So, you know, I'd have to expand my reach to someone who lived eight hours away, you know, to find people in Ireland. And so anyway, because of COVID, Tinder is let you expand your search radius. So I can search for people in Vancouver cause I'm going to be back in Vancouver soon. And so I've been doing some messages. I've actually got some messages while I have been on here. John sent you a message, Tim sent you a message, Cameron sent you a message, Andrew sent you a message. Oh my God, I'm so burnt. So yeah, but what I found is that, so I think that I'm a good conversationalist now. If someone like message me and says, hi, how you doing? That's fine. I'll be like, yeah, I'm doing good. And I'll give them a little bit like, yeah, I'm doing good. I'm just about to record a podcast episode. How are you doing today? And what I find is, Oh yeah, I'm doing good. The sun is shining. I just went to feed some horses. Like people would just message back saying, that's cool. And I'd be like, give me something here. Or they'll be like, Oh, horses. I'm like, yeah. And then, you know, they're not so far maybe I've spoken to 10 guys. They don't seem to be good conversationalists. And so I'm like, well, they're not interested because they're not giving me good responses. And so then I'll just send like a one word response and then they'll still come back or something. And I'm like, well, why don't you have like a better conversation? And then it'll take a day to get a message back. And then, so now I'll keep you updated on the dating stuff. But the choice of guys in Vancouver is a lot better than it is in rural Ireland because there's millions of people to Vancouver versus three eligible bachelors in rural in Ireland. And they're not necessarily so eligible because they're all like, I'm like starting my day. I go, whatever. They're not like that but you know, they're not my types of guys because, you know I want someone who is liberal and understands about feminism and not necessarily understands feminism, but things that women and men should be treated equally. All genders should be treated equally. And you know, if you say that to someone what I found in my experiences guys who were more in the rural parts here, if you're like, Oh, equality. They're like, huh, what's that?

You know? And so I want maybe someone who's a little bit more political, maybe someone who's a bit more funky or has something about them versus, you know, it's just like, Oh, I like going out and getting drunk at the weekend. But you know, I like doing that 10 years ago. But you know, not necessarily now. So yes, I'll keep you updated on my dating life. I am not going to be in an abusive relationship again, don't you worry. I think from a couple of episodes ago I told you some dating stories about confidence before when I had low dating before, when I had low confidence in dating, now I have high confidence. It means that I just have less suitors because when I see a red flag, I'm just like, I can't be bothered with that. You know, when they say something like, even in like a Tinder profile, someone will give away a lot if sometimes they don't write anything. But like a lot of guys would be like, don't message me if you just going to be like messaging forever. I'm not here for a pen pal. I'm just like, why would that be the only thing that you say? You make yourself sound like it was angry decade. Or someone else was, you know, writing, being like, Oh bitches do this or whatever. Or being like, you know, I like having those have sex. Why are you good at sucking my dick? What? Why are you putting this? Do you think that hundreds of people going to be like, Oh, he wants me to suck his dick? Oh my God, I've never heard that before. What I catch. I mean keep your pervy to a minimum and you know, after a little while say, Hey, do you want to suck my dick? And then you know, that's fine. But in your profile like channel bitch channel.

So, I hope you have enjoyed? This episode as much as you can enjoy about hearing about me being abused. Yay. but it'd been illuminating in some way or you know, who knows. Let me know if this was an interesting episode. If you like hearing about my experiences or if you just want me to shut the hell up. If you want me to shut the hell up, maybe don't listen to the podcast, but I'm presuming that you do like listening to me. I get a lot of messages from y'all by the way, and I absolutely love them. I messaged the other day, what did it say? I saved it cause it was so nice. Oh, someone mentioned Fat Gal. She really liked my podcast and I said, what is it you like about my podcast? And she said, I think I just love your energy, enthusiasm, and your accent. Thank you. You have a very soothing voice. Who knew? And it's calming. I hope I don't sound creepy. Not at all. I also think your podcast is great because you have great thoughts and you point out things that I wouldn't normally think about. I plan on writing you a great review and sending you an email to get your book, but I also want to support you by buying a copy. Thank you. You are by far my favorite podcast. No one even comes close. I just want to thank you for what you do. You have helped me build my confidence and made me laugh. You are truly a wonderful person. Thank you so much. Your messages saying that you love the podcast are really great to hear because it says something wonderful about you as a person, but also it gives me good feedback about what you enjoy me talking about what is useful for you. I did a year of doing a video every week and the videos were like three minutes long ish, and I want you to get like short, impactful content out, but I don't think that resonated as much as a podcast. I don't know whether, because the podcast is more a medium that is more easy for you to consume. Although I also put the podcast on YouTube as I did with my videos or because it's more relaxed cause I'm just talking to you and so we can really flesh out ideas or you know, you just like falling asleep listening to me. Who knows? But yeah, so I appreciate your feedback and the nice things that you say, and I haven't got any mean reviews recently, which is good. Remember, you know, when people say things about you, it's not really got that much to do with you and more to do with a person, you know, given the love or give him the hate.

So anyway, thanks for hanging out with me today. I felt this is cathartic for me, so thanks for listening. I appreciate it. Why don't you Google horses with mustaches and go and see some horse mustaches so you can elevate your mood into a positive space of juiciness right now. Yeah. And I'm going to go and have something to drink. Not, something alcoholic and when I'm talking too much, my voice gets a bit ahhh. Anyway, you don't need to know that and I stopped talking the longest episode I've ever recorded. Okay. I will see you in the next episode. Have a wonderful day, Fatty. See you later. Crocodile. Goodbye.