Episode 28 Transcript

Welcome to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I am your host, Victoria Welsby and you're listening to episode 28 which is my story of domestic abuse. Let's do it.

You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm Victoria Welsby TEDx speaker, bestselling author and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self-esteem to being a courageous and confident first fatty who loves every inch of this jellied society teaches us living in a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter. Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century. So how do you stop a negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty podcast. Let's begin.

Well, hello, hello, Fatty. How you doing? Nice to see you for another episode of the Fierce Fatty Podcast. So pleased that you are here. I'm still in quarantine boooo. When is this going to end. I don't know about you, but I'm like searching for some type of certainty which really has never existed because you know, how certain is life anyway, but I'm just like Googling, like, when is this going to end? What is happening with Italy because Italy is ahead of Ireland and the UK in regards to fighting COVID coronavirus and trying to work out what they're doing and when we might be able to go outside and stuff like that. So in Ireland, we're not allowed to go outside one hour a day within two kilometers of our house for exercising either alone or with people from your household and you're allowed to go to the shop, but it has to be like the local shop. So, they have like roadblocks up and the police were like, where are you coming from? Where you going? And they will send people back. It's all very strict in Ireland, which I appreciate actually when I hear about the US and folks just going to the beach and businesses opening and I'm just like, Oh God, the US I feel, yeah, that sucks. I'm sorry if you're in the US yeah. So with my two kilometers, I've been doing things like going this, so I live in the countryside. There's horses down the road cause there's like a beach near me and they do horse rides on the beach. Sometimes it's not very often that they do it anyway. Some of the horses most of the time we're just chilling in a field. And so one of the fields where the horses are going feed them horse food. Like I Google it and be like, what horses are out to eat? So they like grapes and satsumas. And yesterday I tried to give them some lettuce and they were like, what the fuck is this? They gave it a little nibble and they're like, bitch gave me some more of those grapes? And Hey, did you know that horses, not all of them, but a lot of them have mustaches like proper, you know, could enter a competition mustache. I filmed the horses are for my IG TV story. So check out IG TV stories if you want to see some horses with mustaches and it's really common apparently. And I started noticing it. I was like, Oh my God. Yeah, horses do have mustaches.

Anyway, so big trigger warning for today's episode. We are talking about some really heavy stuff. I'm going to be getting into my story of domestic abuse in detail. I've kind of talked about it like an overview of, of what I've experienced, but I'm going to go in detail and giving examples of things that happened. And so I'm going to be talking about emotional abuse violence, sexual abuse, alcoholism, financial abuse. If any of those things, and I'm going to briefly mention a pedophile. If any of those things feel a bit difficult for you at the moment, then please skip this episode. Maybe come back to a different time or just totally never listened to it at all because I will be telling this story in depth. And the reason why I want to talk about it right now is I've been really been thinking about my abuse a lot because with people being in quarantine being in the households. The of domestic violence has really gone through the roof and many people have been killed by their spouses. And it's just been on my mind a lot and I want to talk about it in case anyone listening is experiencing something similar. Perhaps my story might help you in way I know that being a survivor of domestic abuse, listening to other people's stories makes me feel and has in the past made me feel more validated and more like what I went through was not okay. Because at times I have kind of said, Oh, it wasn't that bad. You know, I didn't almost die. So was it obvious? You know, those types of things have been going through my head and after doing many, many years of therapy, realizing that to the extent that I was abused and perhaps some of the stories that I will tell you in this episode. You might realize, Oh, maybe the way that your partner is treating you is not maybe the best or able to look back on other instances that you've experienced or maybe just, you know, it's interesting to hear about these stories. I know that I personally seek them out because I'm interested by them. So yeah. So yeah, trigger warning. Please don't listen if you think that any of those topics that I mentioned before could be difficult for you to hear. I'm going to be going into detail and I'm not really sparing anything.

So I was with this guy for over two years and I met him when I was 17 and it turned my self-esteem into like minus zero, minus a hundred territory and I was incredibly vulnerable. And now looking back, it's not surprising that I ended up with someone like him because of my history. But I didn't deserve it and everything that I'm going to be talking about, I didn't deserve any of it. And none of it is okay, but I'll be talking about, you know, how I felt at the time and at the time I really minimized what was going on because that's how I coped. And also we'll be talking about, you know, how I got out and ending with some, I know a little bit of justice so it's not going to be all also sadness. So when I was 16, my mom said that she wanted to move back to Ireland where she is from. She had an accident while she was cycling her bikes and opened the door and she got brain damage and it kind of made her think, okay, what am I doing with my life? And I want to move back to Ireland because where we lived in the UK was really a shithole. And being 16, I had just finished secondary school and in the UK you finished secondary school and you can leave school then or you can choose to continue, either go to college or go to six form within the same school and then once you've done that you can then maybe go on to university.

And so it was always my plan to go to university. And so I said, no, I want to stay in the UK and continue going to school and finish my education. I could have gone to Ireland, do my education, but it has a different education system. So I probably would have been put back a couple of years or delayed in some way. And I was like, I've got great friends, you know, why would I want to move to Ireland? Ireland sucks because, you know, we would go on summer holidays and Ireland was not the greatest place. Our grandad was very authoritarian, very religious. Like every single night, people would be kneeling down to do the rosary after dinner. So the rosary is like, I don't know, half an hour or 45 minutes of prayers, kneeling on your knees and you know, he had to go to church and you have to do this and all that type of stuff.

And a lot of, you know, working in the field because it was a farm and if you weren't working, you were lazy that ever. And so I was not keen on the idea of moving to Ireland anyway. And so I was like, don't worry about it ma. I'll be fine. I'll stay at home. I'll just go to school. You don't need to worry about me. I'm really mature. And my mum, she had a lot going on at that time. She was, you know, her mental health wasn't in the best place. And so she said yes. Really that shouldn't have happened. I was not really as a mature 17 year old, but I, you know, wasn't an out of control 17 year old. So she she moved away and I was left in the family home, which was for sale. Now the family home was super unsafe as well. So we lived in an area where I had previously been targeted by a pedophile in my back garden and there was a rapist that had not long ago had struck and raped someone my age very close to my home. And my back door in my family home wouldn't shut. So like literally not that it wouldn't lock, the door wouldn't shut because there was something wrong with the plastic of the double glazing. And what I would do is I would just put a clothes horse next to the door to try and stop someone getting in, which it wouldn't, but maybe if I had heard them like jiggling the door, then maybe I could run away or whatever. So super dangerous. And so, you know, both situations wouldn't go move into Ireland, probably wouldn't have been good. It turned out I actually wasn't good. My younger sister went and my granddad went and trashed her room because she had a picture of Kurt Cobain and was convinced that she was in leagues with the devil. And so that wasn't a good place either. And, my family home wasn't a good place and so I was used to this level of fear of feeling unsafe in my home. And my family home, I'd come from very dominant. Now I would look back and be realized that my dad was quite abusive. He was certainly abusive to my brother and we're all terrified of him. He was not a good husband to my mum, just very dominant where, you know, very bully. He was an alcoholic, so my mum eventually divorced him, but I had learned a lot about what a relationship looks like.

Basically, you're scared of your partner, your male partner, and you should be very subservient and try to do everything you can to try and help them and fix them because they're troubled people. So that's setting the scene of where I was. I was at school and after school I would clean the school for money. And one of my colleagues, which was one of my classmates who also cleaned the school one day, we were like, Oh, are you going out on Saturday night? You haven't gone out Saturday night. Let's have a bet to see how many boys we can pull. So how many boys we could kiss and whoever won the bet got some sort of prize. And that weekend, I went out to this really grungy place called the Met lounge in Peterborough where I'm from, kind of like where all the rockers would go and all the goths would go. A lot of very young people were there. In the UK, the drinking age is 18, but I went out drinking from the age of 15, and that was relatively normal. I wouldn't say all 15 year olds did it, but you know, I didn't even have a fake ID. I just, you know, if the bouncer would be like, how old are you? I be like, look at my tits. They're big on must be over 18. That's weird, weird. Anyway, I almost always get him. Yeah. So I was at this place where there was a lot of young people and I spotted this guy who would turn into my abusive partner and instead of saying, Oh, Hey, can I buy you a drink? He was like, Oh, I'm going to go to the bar. And I was like, cool. And he came back and he had himself a drink and he bought me a lollipop. Now looking back, I'm like woo, red flags, red flags and you know, I asked him, how old are you? And he was like 30 I was 17 by that point, 30 years old. And he comes back with a lollipop. And at the time I was kind of like a little bit like, ah, but you know, this was kind of like first if I had higher self-esteem, a 30 year old, I'd probably be like, why is a 30 year old interested in chatting up a 17 year old? Why is a 30 year old in a club like this that is full of young people who are very much under age. But at the time I was just like, Oh my God, someone's talking to me. I'm like, God, I'm going to get off with someone. And I'd kiss like loads of other boys that night anyway, and then I'd kiss this guy too and we exchanged numbers. And so we started dating and at the end of the year, so that was probably October time. And by December, January time, my mum had sold the house and told me that I need to find somewhere to live. Now, as a 17 year old, you can't rent somewhere legally you can't. It's just, you know, you have to be 18. And even if I could, I would work two hours a night, 10 hours a week as a cleaner after school. And so there's no way that that money would have paid for any type of rent. And I was just like, I don't know what to do.

And so I went to the council, which is the government and I said, Oh, I'm 17, I've got nowhere to live. And they placed me in a homeless shelter for children, for young people, for not children, young people. What I guess, you know, we were children and this place was super dangerous. It was in a sketchy part of town, less sketchy than where I was from originally. Like where I was from was the one of the most sketchy places in the whole of the city. You had to really be strong and tough to be able to walk around the streets there or have some sort of street smarts. Like I wasn't like tough, I'm so tough. But if someone ever said anything to me, I'd tell them to fuck off or, you know, run away or if they try to attack me, I would try and fight back.

So this place was super dangerous. There was a lot of drug user there. There were gangs of kids that would hang outside my bedroom window. One time when I had a shower, a gang of kids broke into the shower and then stood around as I like, got out of the shower and like try to intimidate me, super vulnerable there stood, you know, with just a towel and you know. Some kids had keys to all of the rooms and would like, you know, say I can just come in and take your stuff whenever you want. And and the staff there were pretty useless too. Like I said, I had planned on going to university and so at that time I was interviewing to go to university. And so you'd I studied art and so I have my big massive portfolio with me.

And I remember going to a university interview and coming back later and they'd say, where had you been? And I said, Oh, I went to this unit reading. It was for an interview. And I remember the staff member was just like, don't lie to me. And I was like, I'm not. Oh, well. So their expectations of the kids that were there were really bad and they didn't really protect the children that was there. I probably would have been, I don't know if I would have been safer being on the streets, but I was not safe there. Anyway, so I had been there for maybe six weeks, a couple of months maximum. And this guy, the abusive boyfriend who I'd been dating for a few months said, why don't you move in with me and my mum and our four cats. Now, anything would have been better than where I was at that time being in that homeless shelter. And so I was like, I knew it was bad. Like in my bones, I knew, I remember I said to my dad lived in the same city. And I remember saying to my dad, he lived in a one bedroom flat that this boyfriend had said, I can move in with him. And he said, you're not moving in with him because I still quite young. And I said, well, can I live with you then? And I just remember it so clearly. He just said nothing. And turned away. Years later I talked to him about this, like, why did you not let me live with you when I was homeless? And he was like, Oh, I don't remember, but my dad really didn't like children. And I was a young adult, you know, I wasn't a child, but really there's no way my dad had serious mental health issues.

There's no way he could have coped with me sleeping on his sofa. Like that was probably not going to happen. So, you know, he was just silent. And then I was like, okay, well I know my choice now is I have to go and live with this guy. But I knew deep down it was wrong. And his place was disgusting. His home it just, it reeked of like cat piss and it was super dirty and dark. And his bedroom, he didn't have a bed. He just had two single mattresses pushed together. Like there was smashed window and at least it was in a better area. And so it was on the edge of a better area. And so there wasn't that much trouble in the streets. But it was like a not nice place to live, but that was at least of it was like the fact that it was horrible to be there. To begin with, this guy, he was gray. I thought he was, I was so lucky. I thought he was really good looking. He showered me with gifts and affection. Within two weeks of meeting him, he told me that he loved me. I remember exactly where I was when he told me he loved me. And I remember starting to cry because I was so filled with joy because my self-esteem was so low at that point. And this is before he, you fucked with my self-esteem. I didn't think anyone could ever love someone like me. I didn't think that someone would want to date someone who was fat like me.

And the fact that this guy was telling me he loved me and I was so vulnerable at the time, like being homeless and you know, being alone and all this type of stuff, like I wasn't homeless at that time, but I was still very vulnerable. It was just a dream come true. So to begin with, it was like a fairytale and I was just like, my boyfriend was so amazing. And I would think about the age gap and I would just always be like, age is a number and I'm super mature and you know, it's just 13 years different. Well, when you're back young, 13 years difference is a fucking shit load. He was almost double my age. The maturity level of a 17 year old versus a 30 year old. I remember when I turned 30 and I was the same age as him and looking back and being like, could I date a 17 year old now? And I was like, hell fucking no. Would I date a 17 year old? They're a child. I'm an adult. Like, no. So slowly within probably a few months, he started questioning me. So he'd be like, why does your body look like that? Like, why are your breasts not perky? Why are your cloves so horrible? Why do you eat like that? Why do you have a snack when you come home from school? You shouldn't be eating anything when you come from school, why don't we go shopping and you buy some new clothes? And so it'd be like questioning, but then he'd be like, cause I care about you. You know? And it's just, I do know the way that he'd say it and I'd be like, Oh well I don't know. You know, this is just my body. And you know, he was so much older and more experienced and like, there must be something wrong with my body. Like, and he'd always be like, I thought that you said that you like wearing nice clothes or why are your clothes so disgusting? Just things like that. And like if anyone said anything like that to me now, I'd be like, get out the fuck here. But it would just be like one little thing of, you know, and I'd be like, am I rolling? Am I disgusting? And I started noticing as well, the more time we spent together is that he drank a lot. And one day he said, yeah, I'm an alcoholic. And this behavior wasn't as alarming as it would be because my dad was an alcoholic. And so it was perfect for me. Like I was his perfect victim, really. You know, we're vulnerable girl whose father was also an alcoholic you know, a domineering alcoholic then, you know, I could, he like really scored when he found me. And so I was just like, I'm going to help him get better. Like this wasn't a red flag. He wasn't saying, I'm going to get better. He was just like, I'm an alcoholic. And I was just like, ah, I'm going to love him so much that he'll stop drinking. With my love, I will cure him. So he would stay up late drinking and watching TV on this huge TVs. You remember when TVs used to be like seven foot long in the back and he had this surround sound system and his room was small and the TV was all literally like right at the bottom of the bed. And so he would be staying up late watching TV and drinking and I'd be trying to sleep cause I'd have to get up early for school in the morning.

And it was a torturous, literally, the light from the TV and the noise, surround sound, but the speakers were behind the bed and all around obviously, literally it's a method of torture. And so I would be exhausted all the time. And sometimes in the middle of the night I'd wake up and he would be passed out from drink and I would try and sneak and turn off the TV. But remember, like older TVs, you turn it off and it goes toooot, like that. And sometimes that noise would wake him up and he'd be like, what the hell are you doing? And shout at me and put the TV back on. And it would just be, I'd be there waiting, trying to go to sleep and waiting for him to pass out again so I could try and do the TV and, sometimes I just mute the TV and hopefully that wouldn't wake him and then a little bit while later then turn the TV off.

And it was just, you know, constantly fighting to sleep and being exhausted, which is, you know, torture. He began then controlling what I ate. So he could recognize that food was an issue for me coming from a household where we were poor, so we didn't have food. It was also a diet focused household. And so I never, you know, I didn't have a good relationship with food. Like I liked food and I enjoyed eating it, but I wouldn't say that I was disordered around food, but I wouldn't say that I had an eating disorder. But what happened in this relationship is I believe that I developed a bingeing disorder because he would really berate me for the way that I ate and what I ate. He would do the same for his mum. His mum was this little old lady, but he'd be like, how dare you put a sweetener in your tea, you know, it's so bad for you and things like that. And he would bargain with me for food. And so say if it was ~ he would want to go to the pub and I'd say, I don't want to go to the pub because it would mean like going to the pub in the day and then him drinking all day. And then if he was drunk, he would, you know, get in a bad way and it'd just be bad news for me. And so then he'd say something like, do you want to go get some lunch? And I'd just be like, my little heart would be like, Oh my God, food. And he would say, we can have half a sandwich, but we have to get it from this pub.

And so I would be like, Oh, I'm so desperate for food. I'd be like, okay. And then we'd go to this pub and I'd be allowed half a sandwich and then he would then be like, well, I let you have half a sandwich. And so I'm allowed to sit here for hours and drink. So looking back at what I ate when I met him 100% normal, I was just a normal eater. And he really made me believe that I was addicted to food. And so I saw that I was addicted to food and he was addicted to alcohol. So we were as both as bad as each other. He would do things like on a Friday night, he would always order himself a pizza. In the beginning of our relationship, he would order this pizza and he'd let me have one or two slices and I'd be like, Oh my God. Because growing up, we wouldn't ever get like a takeaway pizza that would never happen. And so it was really special for me, but then eventually he wouldn't let me have any. And so he would order whatever it was and he would sit there having this takeaway all to himself, knowing that I was there, like salivating desperate for some and I would just have to eat some literally like a slice of bread for dinner. So I remember his anger was explosive and he had like, what did they say? Hairpin trigger. Like he would just explode at nothing. So I remember one Valentine's day he was coming home from work at like seven o'clock, I think. And so I had made him spaghetti bowl with garlic bread. I think that that was in my mind, that was the most romantic meal that you could make.

And I remember him coming home and he had a package that was delivered and it was a coat. And so you opened the package and he couldn't do the zip up on the coat and he just flew into a rage and he ripped this coat off and like ripped the coat, threw it against the wall, raging, screaming and eventually stormed upstairs and got drunk. And I was just kind of sat there with this meal for two on my own and wouldn't dare say to him like, Hey, come and sit down and eat some dinner with me, or, Hey, why are you being such a fucking asshole? Because I didn't want to deal with his anger. When his anger was that explosive over not being able to do up a zip. Imagine if it was anything else. It was just, you were kind of walking a tight rope of trying to keep him happy, trying to keep him sober so that he wouldn't have these explosive episodes.

So eventually he got thrown out of his mum's house. I can't remember why, but he was also abusive to her as well. And he had a sister and his sister wouldn't really stand for it and his sister would come around and be like, stop being a dick to her and stuff like that. And eventually he was told he had to leave. And so we found a new place, which was literally a ten second walk from his mom's place. Like he couldn't bear to be away from his mum. It was literally across the road which is weird. And he would still go around and make her iron his clothes and things like that. Basically we hadn't moved out. We were just like in a house just across the road. And this place, it had a couple of pieces of furniture. He had a bed and the bed on one side was completely smashed. The slats were completely smashed and the mattress would sink in. But the other side, it was totally normal and he was super selfish. So there was no question of who should have the good side or the bad side of the bed or should we take it in turns or should we buy a new bed? It was just, no, you get the shit side of the bed because you know, why would you get the good side? And I bought things like curtains and some, you know, things for the house and stuff. He would take money from me. He worked a full time job. And I was I was at school and I was working part time. So my wages, the money that I brought in was not even a 10th of what he made, but I was the one who was paying for everything.

And I would get grants from the government because I was so poor. So every three times a year I'd get a check for, I think it was about for 1500 pounds, so three times a year. So I'd get like four and a half grand from the government a year. And he would just take my money. He'd say, you know, I'd get this check of 1500. And I remember one time he was like, Oh, I really want to just buy a computer and you know, can I have that money and I'll pay you back? And I would just empty my bank account and give it to him and he would of course not give it back to me. And like for when we'd go grocery shopping, we'd go to the supermarket at the till. He'd be there calculating, okay, we got a bottle of milk. And so how much milk do I predict that I'm going to drink versus Victoria, okay, I'm going to drink 33% of this milk and the milk is a pound. Therefore Victoria owes me 66 paid for the bottle of milk. And he'd do these calculations of okay, well you owe me for, you know, there's 17 slices of bread and so you owe me for X amount of slices. And before we'd even left the store, he would do this thing. I just remember his hand movement. So clearly this hand movement of give me the money and we wouldn't leave the store until I had given him exactly like, say if it was 16 pounds and 75 pens, if I gave him 16 pounds and 50 pens he'd be like, absolutely no, you cannot shortchange me like this. This is ridiculous. This is just shows how irresponsible you are that you would try and shortchange me.

And then I just like, Oh, here's an extra 50 pen and he'd be like, Oh, you know, really annoyed by it. And then we'd walk home and he would make me carry the heavy groceries in my hand and he would he'd have a backpack. He put some things in his backpack and then he'd just walk, you know, with his hands free, just using me as like the donkey to carry the stuff home. Now I'm just like, I cannot believe this. Isn't this infuriating? I feel like, I wish I could go back to that. You know, those moments where he's there, you know, being like, give me my money, even my 25 p or whatever, treating me like some mule donkey to hurry his shopping and just go and just kick him in the face. You know, I feel so fucking annoyed about what a dick he was like, not only was he abusive, he was just a fucking dick head, you know, just the shit personality.

So he was such a conman. Say we'd go to stores, we'd go to like a charity shop, he'd come out and he'd be like, Oh, next loads of stuff from the charity shop. And I'd be like why? And like, stuff that he didn't want, like, you know, key rings or whatever, you know, just because he wanted to get one over on them and he'd be like, this fucking charity shop. What is wrong with you? And he would like write into companies and demand refunds and any way he could make money from others including me, including his mum, anyone. If he could make a 10 P from someone and it meant like screwing them over, he would do it. Another thing is he would tell me in detail about all of his exes and the relationships and the sex that they had. And he was a fucking creep like he kept the sheet that he had sex with his first girlfriend and there was blood on the sheet. He kept that bloody sheet in a bag in his room and he was just fucking disgusting, weird, creepy. He would like make me have sex with him in ways that I wasn't comfortable. Like I went from being had never had sex with anyone to dating this guy who was very experienced and he wanted all of his partners to be virgins. And if they weren't a virgin and they were a massive slut and he would be like, Oh my God, one of my girlfriends had sex with two people before I met her. I can't believe what a slut she was. And I remember at the time I was thinking, I don't know, like how don't you have sex with more people than that?

What that sounds like double standards to me. So another thing he'd say about his exes, I remember one time I asked him, do you have any regrets in your life? And he said, Oh yeah, I have one big regret. And I said, what is it? He said, I regret the moment that every one of my ex-girlfriends dumped me. I regret not punching them straight in the face. And I was at the time like, okay that sounds a bit weird. Or like, that doesn't sound really cool. I remember being like, questioning him about it and being like, what, why would you do that? And he says, well, you know, cause they, they fucked me over or whatever. And he told me about how in his most recent ex he went to her place of work, punched her boss, got her fired, did all sorts of other horrible things to her and he was like really pleased with himself.

Like I told her sort of thing. And they never actually did anything to him. They just ended the relationship. So yeah, from that moment I knew that I couldn't leave because I'd be in danger. He would literally punch me straight in the face. And as we all know now leaving an abusive relationship is when it's the most dangerous. And anyway, my brain wasn't with all these things, these things all started slowly happening. Slowly doing it, slowly doing that. This is over a two year period. And you know, one thing, you know, he's an alcoholic and I'm like, ah, well I can be like Mother Teresa and really help him. And so, you know, it wasn't that big a deal and he would be domineering and you know, I was used to my dad being domineering. So it wasn't really a big deal.

No, he was financially controlling. My dad, he used all of his money on himself. Even though we lived in poverty, he would all use all of his money to drink. So I was used to the guys being super selfish and like my dad, he would buy himself fancy things and whereas we didn't have enough money to put and he would have like gold top milk, like this fancy milk. And so I was used to that. So him being extremely selfish was it that much of a big deal to me, him all of these things, I would rationalize it away and I'd think, Oh, but you know, when he's sober, he's, I wouldn't say he's really nice. I would just be like, well, when he's sober it's not bad. And when he's sober, that's the real him and if only he could get better, then he would just be the normal real him versus realizing the normal real him wasn't an abuser.

So I was absolutely terrified of him and would be walking on eggshells for fear that if I did anything wrong, it would spur him to go on a drinking binge. And if he did, which was he was drunk, say 75% of the time, there would be days that he worked and he would work like 14 hour shifts or 12 hour shifts. And so he would only work three days a week, something like that that he would all be like cram it over like two nights. So he was able to be drunk pretty consistently and he just had to not get drunk on those two days where he worked through the night. So anyway, I just constantly terrified of him and he would always like make warnings, like, don't you do this? I'm warning you if you do this. When I went to university, I studied illustration and so painting was my thing and so I would paint and he would always be like, you're going to spill paint one day, don't you dare spill paint. And one night when he had gone to work, I got out of my paints to go painting and I spill a tub of paint, I'm going to say to have a paint and maybe a cup of paint on the floor. And as soon as that happened I was just like, Oh panic, terrified. And I spent hours cleaning it and you could see a kind of paint little thing, but also the carpet was wet because I'd been cleaning it and I knew it would come up. You know, the last little bit it would come up. I knew. And so if this was a normal relationship, I would just put the paint on the floor and would have just been like, Oh bloody hell cleaned it up, you know?

Oh, it's about painting silly Billy, you know, call the cleaner the next day. Cleaned the carpet, it's all fine. But in this abusive relationship, I knew I had to escape. This was unforgivable. Me, him coming home. So he would come home I think like four in the morning, something like that, four or five in the morning. I knew he would come home and rip the covers off the bed and be like, what the fuck is this? And so I was like, I couldn't cope with that. And so I ran away to my sister's house. By this time my sister had moved back to England. And so I went over there and I was just like, Oh, Hey, I'm just going to stay here for a bit. And I remember his friend was dating my other sister and his friend we like stayed up late chatting. And I was like, well, the reason I'm here really is because I spent spilled paint on the floor. And he was like, he's going to be really upset about it. And he was like, I doubt it. Like, it's paint. And I was like, no, really he will be. And he was just like, seriously, I think you're overreacting. And I spent a couple of days, I'd left a note as soon as he came in, there was a note on the floor that I left him saying, I've spelt paint. I'm so sorry. The apology that I wrote on that piece of paper, it was like, basically I had just, you know, done something heinous, something really awful. So I stayed away for a couple of days and when I eventually got the courage to go back home, I remember he had like locked all the doors so I couldn't get in.

So I had to knock and I just remember seeing his shadow coming towards the door and then him just opened the door silently and kind of like, get in there, you're in trouble. And standing there what felt like hours while he lectured me and berated me and was like, I told you this was going to happen. I can't believe that you're just, you know, you're this and that and me apologizing so much and saying I'm going to make it up to you and dah, dah, dah, dah. And literally, it's like I came home and said to him, Hey, I've spent that evening sucking some other guy's dick or something, you know, the way he reacted and even, you know if that had happened in another relationship, it wouldn't be as a big of reaction as this. Around this time too, he put me on a diet. So he decided that he had to take control of my eating officially versus, you know, just a general berating of you shouldn't be eating that and that's why, you know, why are you having this normal amount of food? You should be having this you know, less amount of food. And so he said, okay, I'm going to put you on a diet. And I was like, Oh, thank you. So he loves me so much. He's helping me stop being addicted to food. And so he planned out what I was allowed to eat and it was nothing. It was the most minimal, not nutritionally balanced ridiculous, the same meal three times a day, basically. And so this made me even more disordered around food because I was not allowed because I was on this diet. I definitely wasn't allowed to be eating anything that was outside of this diet.

And this diet was basically tens of beans or tens of spaghetti hoops, a slice of processed cheese and a bread roll. That was what I was allowed to eat. And for breakfast I was allowed one slice of toast. And at lunch I was like a lot of bread roll with a slice of processed cheese. So not enough food at all by far. And it was just bad. It was just bad, bad in every single way. And so when he went to work on the nights that he'd go to work immediately I would go cycling to the corner store and buy food to make myself something to eat. And this just reinforced this idea like, Oh my God, I'm so out of control. As soon as his back is turned, I'm just there running for the shop buying stuff. And I thought, Oh, the shopkeeper's going to be like, Oh my God, look at this girl. She's so addicted to food. When I just know buy it, go in there and buy a couple of bags of crisps or something like nothing. And then I would hide all the evidence of food that I'd eat him. And he would also count food when he left to make sure that I didn't eat anything. And so he'd count like how many slices of bread is left in the loaf. And I remember I had had two slices of bread instead of one that I was allowed and he came back and knows one slice of bread missing. And so I was like, Oh well I took out a slice of bread and it fell on the floor so I put it in the bin. So that's, that's what happened to that slice. And he, he went through the bin and there was no slice of bread and he was like, you're lying. Why you lying? And go in, you know, went into a rage and then he started getting violent.

In next week's episode, I will detail how he moved from coercion, manipulation, the use of fear into using physical violence to control me. Now my experience is pretty typical in regards to how abusers behave in relationships and how their behavior escalates into eventual murder. I want to share with you some stats that I got from WHO, the World Health Organization. Violence against women, particularly intimate partner violence and sexual violence is a major public health problem and a violation of women's human rights. By the way, it's not just women who are the targets of domestic abuse. All genders are, it just happens to be the majority of targets and victims are women. Okay. Going back to these who stats global estimates published by who indicate that about one in three 35% of women worldwide have experienced either physical and or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence in their lifetime. Most of this violence is intimate partner violence worldwide. Almost one third 30% of women who have been in a relationship report that they have experienced some form of physical and or sexual violence by their intimate partner in their lifetime globally as many as 38% of murders of women are committed by a male intimate partner. Men are more likely to perpetuate violence if they have low education, a history of child maltreatment, exposure to domestic violence against their mothers, half or use of alcohol, unequal gender norms, including attitudes, accepting of violence, and a sense of entitlement over women. Women are more likely to experience intimate partner violence if they have low education exposure to mothers being abused by a partner. Abuse during childhood and attitudes accepting violence, male privilege and women subordinate status. So stat show four women in the U S die every day, murdered by their partner or ex-partner. In 2018 in the UK, 173 people. So people of all genders were killed in domestic violence related homicides. According to data obtained by the BBC from 43 police forces across the UK, an increase of 32 deaths on 2017. So this problem is not going away. It's actually getting worse.

So my ex had a fine upbringing. He didn't experience abuse. You had an average education. There was nothing there from his childhood that would suggest that he would go on to become an abuser. He said that his problems started because his dad died certainly from a heart attack. But he was an alcoholic before his dad died and he was being creepy with women before that happened. I personally think that he was a narcissist or had antisocial personality disorder alongside being a misogynist. And this is me being an armchair psychologist. I don't know. I'm just guessing and you know, that kind of wanting to find an answer for why he behaved that I think is pretty normal. But you know, I will never know what really was going on in his mind. What I do know though, is if a parent dies suddenly or if you were abused as a kid, or you saw your mother being abused, it doesn't mean that you're destined to become an abuser yourself. And people can make a decision to end the cycle of abuse if they've seen it in their childhood or to make an excuse for their abuse. And I used to always think in this relationship, if only his dad didn't die, then he wouldn't be like this. He's had this terrible thing happened to him. And that's the reason why he drinks so much. That's the reason why he's such an abuser. And I would make that excuse for him because he would always be saying, you don't know what it's like to have a parent dies suddenly. If my mum dies, then I'll be an orphan and my life, I wouldn't can be able to continue living. My dad eventually did die suddenly and guess what didn't turn me into an abuser. I experienced abuse as a child. I watched my mum being abused, still didn't turn me into it and abuser. So there is no excuse for being an abuser ever at all. It doesn't matter what has happened in your past. Some people experienced terrible things and they turn out to be advocates against abuse, whereas some people experienced abuse and perpetuate the pattern or they've had no history of abuse like my ex and just complete assholes.

So next week, the second half of this will be released and I hope that you are safe in your home currently, in your relationship. I hope you're not experiencing abuse and if you are unsafe, then please Google what services are available in your country. I have listeners from all over the world and so there are resources out there and nowadays it's a lot easier from when I was in a my abusive relationship to reach out to different aid charities and be able to just text them or send them a message, an instant message over the, over the internet. And understand is this abuse, like if you want to find out is what I'm experiencing abuse, is this okay? And they can let you know, this is not okay or I think that you should contact the police or whatever and as well you can download this app. There's apps that are available. One app that I know that is for the UK and for Ireland is an app called Bright Sky and bright sky disguises itself as a weather app and you can even have it. So when you tap the app, it shows the weather for your location. But then there's a secret way to get into the real app that's behind this interface where you can track the abuse that you are experiencing, get resources learn more about abuse and come up with a plan to leave your partner if you want to. So maybe go and cause this is quite, you know, heavy topic. Go and do something fun right now or I don't know, maybe you're in the mood where you want to hear you know, things like this. I don't know. Sometimes when I'm sad and I want to go and watch a sad movie or because it's cathartic in some way and I can release, you know the emotions that I'm feeling like, Oh, do what you want. So if you want to go and watch a movie about domestic abuse or not, or just go and relax and do something totally different. You do you. Look after yourself. Make sure you stay safe and I will see you in the next episode. See you later, crocodile.