Episode 37 Transcript

You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast episode 37. I'm your host, Victoria Welsby. And today we're talking about the fear of judgment. And I'm afraid people would judge me and we're going to talk about that and see if we can make you feel a little bit better. Okay, let's do it.

I'm Vinny Welsby TEDx speaker, Best Selling Author, and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self esteem to being a courageous and confident fierce fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living with a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed? Or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century? So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty Podcast Let's begin.

Unknown Speaker 1:30

Welcome, welcome fears fatty. How're you doing? I'm so pleased that you're hanging out with me today for another episode of the first fatty podcast episode 37. Oh my gosh. Can you believe it? So excited? I when I started the podcast few months ago, is it a few months ago? No. Jesus Christ like we're in June, July. What? Anyway, 37 weeks ago, so one month ago, that is seven weeks ago. i My goal was to do one podcast episode for every single week of the year. And I'm doing it I'm doing it every single week. We've got a podcast episode out to year. So I'm feeling pretty, pretty proud of myself and I make the deal. Yeah. And I gotta say a big thank you to everyone who has written a review for me. If you write me a review, and before you post it, take a screenshot of it. And so wherever you can write a review for the podcast, take a screenshot and send the screenshot to Victoria at first party.com I will send you a free copy of my book called vs fatty and earn a digital copy and an audio copy as well. So one of the most recent reviews I got was from Beth and Beth gave me five stars. And Beth said her confidence is contagious. And says I've been doing the deep work of recovering from decades of trauma and every type of eating disorder. By chance I stumbled upon Victoria's podcast recently, and it's a treasure trove of truth, wisdom, advice, encouragement and therapy. Thank you, Victoria for being so dedicated to spreading the anti diet body positive gospel. You are genuine, vulnerable and your accent is the cherry on top. Thank you Beth. It's so funny how so often people mentioned my accent I don't know. I wonder if British people think my accent is they probably don't. They're probably like, why are you talking? So North American. Anyway, so another review I got here from Tasneem who says the title of it is yes, mate. fivestars This podcast is is awesome and is one of the things that I actually look forward to listening to. I can always rely on an episode of the first value podcast to give me the extra boost of confidence and smokiness because Victoria is that cool friend who chews you all and tells you that you can do it. But with enough Sass banter and sarcasm that it's not cheesy. Also I love Victoria's mocking voice when describing ridiculous scenarios lol I think in mocking voice as in me being rude but you know when people are like, oh my god just I need some does. I think that's what Tony was talking about. So I'm like home. I'm like, don't judge me. I'm not a bad person, which is what we're talking about in today's episode is that fear of judgment and hands up if you fear that others will judge me judge you? Yes. And I hope Freudian slip there. Judge me? Yes, my hand is up. Of course I am a human being. If you didn't know. And I too have fears that people would Which mean, but I have learned to, for the most part, when I get those fears being like, tend to fuck off, you know, I'm got time for that I could die any day now who gives a shit. So in this episode, we're gonna go over that and see if we can make your gorgeous fat brain fit a little bit a little bit better around the fear of judgment. And a reminder that I have a brand new little something some invoice for you. And that is the first fatty body love roadmap. And you can get that by going to the episode show notes or going to first fatty.com forward slash 037 for episode 37. If you ever want to go to the podcast, and you've forgotten, like what episode number, you can just go first party.com forward slash podcast. And that is going to get you to the podcast. Yeah, and then you can scroll down and see whatever episode you want. And also, Hey, join my Facebook group, the one that I've been keeping secret from you. First party friends, you can just go Facebook, your friends in Facebook, just type that in or go to the link in the show notes. And yeah, you have to answer three questions to join because I want to make sure we don't have like a bunch of creeps or whatever. Because it's a good a good way to screen out people who would like you know, just want to come in and be like boobs or whatever. I don't know.

Unknown Speaker 6:37

Yeah, so answer those three questions. If you don't answer those three questions, I will not be able to admit you into the first party friends, Facebook groups and make sure you do and then we'll let you join the party. Right. Okay, today, what I'm going to be covering is why we are afraid of being judged, why it's not helpful, and how to reframe fears of judgment, so that you can live your damn life and not be constantly worried about what people think about you. So that is what we are talking about today. Now, why are we afraid of judgment? Well, if you're a human being 10 is a part of your your nature, it's a part of our nature, to be afraid of judgment. The reason being that if we are judged, then the consequences could be really grave. So here's what I'm talking about. Imagine, hundreds and 1000s of years ago, we were living in our small communities. And we had to hone the skill of making judgments about other human beings to understand if they were safe, or if they were an enemy. And so if we're in a community and another human approaches, we have to be really good at judging someone quickly. And if they're safe, then we can let them in. If they're like us, if they look like us, if they behave like us, they're allowed into our community. Now, once you're in a community, we need community to survive as human beings, we're social creatures, right? If your community judges you negatively, the consequences is that you are booted out of the community, you are ostracized. And as humans, we die without that community, it makes us very hard. It makes it very hard for us to survive, especially hundreds and 1000s of years ago when we had to survive in those many of those communities to to literally live and get our food and warmth and love and all that type of stuff. Now, now in our modern day, we still have that deep fear that if we are judged the consequences are potential death. And so why would you not be afraid of being judged whereas now the the reality is that we probably won't die if we're judged. But it is useful for us as humans to keep that that fear alive, but just a little bit right we don't need to have it so activated that we fear that if we if we were a crop top then everyone's gonna be like, Oh my God, you need to be removed from the human race Oh my God, because that's not really the reality right? So everyone experiences this even if you are super confident even if you have lower self esteem everyone in some way fears being judged because it's Just part of the human experience. Now, how much that affects you, is different for every person. And a lot of times when you do have a lower self esteem or you're not happy with your body, that fear of being judged can be a lot higher, versus for someone who feels comfortable in their body, and they know that they're worthy. So why it's not helpful to be so afraid of people judging us? Well, it's a losing game right? Now, because no matter who you are, or what you do, people are always going to judge you. I don't know if that's news to you, but you're always going to be judged. And we don't want to fall into this habit or this pattern of changing ourselves, or not living our authentic life, for fear of what others think, because this is what it's like, right? Imagine if you had a child, and they come home from school, and they said, I'm being bullied because I have big ears, or whatever, for example. So I'm being bullied because I have big ears. Now, would

Unknown Speaker 11:27

you say to that child, we know what child that bodies, right? Yeah, you do have big ears. And actually, do you know what, I think we should do something about it. I think that should always wear a hat. Or you should, in fact, let's get surgery to reduce your ear size or, or whatever. That is not going to be your first response when someone a child says that they are being bullied, you're going to say it's not cool that the bully is bullying someone because they are different. Now, other times, unfortunately, when it comes to having a fat body, we are told we should listen to the bully, maybe you should lose weight, then you won't get bullied versus saying the bully needs to change their behavior. You don't need to change your body body, the bully needs to change their behavior. So in some ways, we can recognize that it's not okay to pander to what a bully wants from us. But in other ways, when it comes to living in a fat body, we're like, well, I should become thin, then I won't stand out. I should conform in whatever way then I won't stand out then I won't be bullied versus people who are judging others need to fucking stop. Right? Which is what needs to happen. So what's the alternative? What really what is the alternative? Hide forever. Never be your real self. Never express yourself in ways that are authentic to you. Do you want to always be really vanilla? Really milk, you know, really milk toast? Be a smaller person in all the different ways that you could be just so someone that you went to school with on Facebook doesn't notice that you look a bit different. Do you want to be 80 years old and think? You know what? Chad never did? You know, comment that I put on weight. I'm so pleased I lived my whole life. Being smaller, not showing the world who I am doing all these things to fit in because Chad that knob that I used to go to school with all those years ago, he was never offended by my appearance. He never saw a picture of me on Facebook and said oh my god, she looks bad. I'm so pleased I lived all of my 80 years of my life or however you're gonna live not offending chat. Or, you know, whoever it is that you're worried about their judgment, fuck Chad plugin, he can suck my dangling tense. I don't care if Chad thinks that I have put on weight or if what I'm wearing is not okay. Or if my hair looks shit or whatever. I'm not going to live my life for Jad or Karen or anyone who is is judgment in that way. So what is the solution? Well, something that has brought me comfort, this might not bring you comfort. I mentioned it before, but you're always going to be judged Should Okay, positively and negatively, no matter what you do, you're always going to be judged. And there's something that someone told me, I can't remember who told me but this is this is years ago, and it's really stuck with me that in life 10% of people will love you 10% of people will hate you. And 80% are going to be somewhere in the middle. You know, they think you're right, or, oh, yeah, you are that person I met one time, you know, or just don't even think about you that much. And so no matter what you do, there's always going to be people being like, yes, you're amazing. You're awesome, you're great. And there's always going to be people like, I can't believe that you're wearing that. Oh, my God, have you put on weight? Oh, my God, there's always going to be people like that. So do you want to be judged? Knowing that you will be judged? Do you want to be judged for a fake version of you? Or do you want to be judged for an authentic version of you? So you can if you want to place more, constantly diet, try and fit in and not stand out in any way that you want? You can do that? Absolutely.

Unknown Speaker 16:24

But what consequences does that have? For you for your happiness for your self esteem? What consequences does that have for those around you? What consequences does it have for the world? Do we need more people who are shrinking themselves? who are who are making themselves more palatable for consumption by others? Do we need more of that in the world? No, we don't need more of that in the world. We do not need more people who are like, Yeah, I might be a little bit different. Yeah, I might be fat, I might be a little bit fat, or a medium fatter, or a super fat person. And I'm gonna go out in the world and you know, fuck what other people think. And as well, thinking about, you know, 10% will love you. 10% and will hate you. Do you want the people who love you to be those who love you for a inauthentic version of you? Or do you want those 10% of people in the world who you come across that love you to be loving the real, radical, messy, authentic version of you. Right, I used to surround myself with people who I would be such a people pleaser, and I would pander to them. And I would be very non offensive. And, you know, if they said they didn't like something, I would change it. And those who loved me loved me for a version of me that wasn't real. Because really, I want it to be myself. And when I did become myself and was loud and proud, some of those people I lost some loved it and was like, Oh, well, you know, I love this, this, this newer version of you where you are, you know, more yourself. So and it's more, it's more, isn't it beautiful? When you know that someone loves you and cares for you and things that you call for exactly who you are, like warts and all, because none of us are perfect, perfect people, right? Yeah. So in this, think of a scenario, you're walking down the street, and someone is judging you. So imagine if you know you're walking down the street, you think, Okay, I'm going to wear a crop top for the first time, or I'm going to wear something which is really form fitting, or I'm going to do my hair in a way that is different aren't going to put on those false eyelashes or whatever it is that is making you feel a little bit self conscious. So imagine if someone judges you. So think about this, like, Do you know them? Are they going to be thinking about you a day from now? You know, are they going to be like, Oh my god, I saw a person on the street and they were wearing a crop top. And it was really inappropriate. It was really horrible or whatever day from now where they're gonna be thinking about that, or is it just a fleeting judgment? A week from now they're going to be thinking about you. And if they are, does it matter? Do you know these people? Is it going to have an impact on your life? Is them approving of you or not approving of you going to change yourself worth your inherent self worth? As a human being? Your self worth is is unchangeable, right? No matter what you do, who you are What you wear, how much you weigh, you have worth as a human being we all do. And so if that one person is judging you negatively on the street, some random stranger, Does that have an impact on your self worth as a human being? No, it can feel like it right? It can feel like if someone is like, Oh, look at you, your whatever you can feel like, you know, our worth is is diminished. But that's not actually the reality. Also, think about it this way. You presuming because we don't know what they're thinking, right? Unless they are a complete knob, and they're like, fat person, or whatever. If you think that you see someone looking at you, or looking at you in a weird way or whatever. You presume they are thinking something negative. Okay? What you're doing is passing a judgment on them. You are judging them, you are judging, you are presuming that they are they're looking at you thinking negative things about you? How do you know this?

Unknown Speaker 21:20

You don't, you're making a negative judgment about them. So you're hoping you don't want other people to have negative judgments about you where you're, you're in that moment, if you're thinking presuming that they're having a negative judgment about you, you're judging them. You are doing the exact thing that you don't want others to do to you. And you're projecting your own judgment upon them. Whereas they could just be sat there being like, oh, there's a person. Oh, it's a nice day today, huh? I really need to do a poo, or whatever. Right? And, and you've projected onto them that they are like, Oh, look at that person. Oh, they're so fat, or Oh, they're so whatever. And it might not be based in reality. So notice your own judgments. And when you judge others, because we all judge all the time, even though you know, sometimes you'd like to think I'm above that, but that's not true. Notice your own judgments and how long they last. So, when you see someone different, and you make a quick judgment about them? Are you thinking about that person? Later that day? Or a week later? You know, are you telling your friends? Oh my god, I saw someone with this weird haircut in the mall two months ago, it was hilarious. No, your friends would be like, What the fuck are you talking about? You won't even be in your brain because you notice someone with a weird haircut. And you're just like, oh, there's someone with a weird haircut, not a haircut that I would have. But you know, whatever. And then it's gone from your head. Or maybe you might think about it again another time. But you know, a week or two weeks or a year later, you're not going to be like, oh, yeah, remember that one person with a weird haircut? It's just, it's useless information. Right? And so if someone is judging you, and they're like, Oh, my God, there's a fat person. You know, 10 minutes later, they're probably just like, Oh, I really fancy an ice cream or Oh, what am I gonna have for dinner? Right? So when, when I did my, my TEDx talk, if you don't know, I have a TEDx talk. It's amazing. You can check it out. When I did my TEDx talk, it was a big thing, right? So I was speaking on stage in front of 2600 people, and then it was going to be filmed. It was filmed, and then it was going to be put onto the internet. I listed out the worst case scenarios of what could go wrong, like in regards to people judging me. And so I thought, Okay, well, I could forget my words. Well, if I forget my words, can I survive that? Yeah. You know, that's okay. I've seen other people forget their words. And I know that had someone had forgotten their words. At a TED talk about same venue a couple of years before and what they did was they edited out all the bits that she forgot in the video. And then when they put it on the video online, no one could tell the people in the audience were like cheering her on and being like, you can remember and she managed to get her notes and blah, blah, blah. So 2600 people in the audience might have been like, oh, it would have been better if she had remembered her words or whatever they thought, but on the internet, which is where the The real big audience were, they had no idea. And so now my TEDx talk, I think as 140,000 views, so if I had forgotten my words, 2600 people who were in the live audience would have noticed, but the majority of people who saw my talk or see my talk 140,000 People would never have known. I didn't forget my words. But that was something that I thought, Okay, what is a bad thing that could happen? Another bad thing that could happen was, maybe I burst into tears and run off the stage. I don't know why. But, you know, that could happen. I could just run off the stage and be like, I can't do this. Could I survive that? Yes, I could survive that. I wouldn't have a TED talk. But you know, maybe I could try again, it could be a learning experience. But the absolute worst thing I could think of like, the absolute worst thing I could think of is, what if I shit myself on stage? That is the worst thing like the worst outcome that I could have thought of, for my, you know, outcome of me doing my TEDx talk. So, what if I did shit myself? Well, I would be really embarrassed. The audience would have been like, What the fuck is going on? And I would have had to, like know, shuffle off stage or pretend didn't happen or something? I don't know. But could I survive? If I shit myself on a TEDx stage? And have 2600? People watch me shitting myself? And maybe then it'd be put on the internet and have people watching me shit myself? Could I survive? Yeah, probably, I could probably survive. And what would happen is that after I got over the embarrassment, and the awful feelings and all that type of jazz, what I would be left with would be a hilarious story about that one time I tried to do a TEDx talk, TEDx talk, and then I shit my pants on stage.

Unknown Speaker 27:13

It would be great, it probably be more impactful in my life, than actually doing my TEDx talk, right? It would make my life more colorful and interesting. And yes, it would be awful. But I would also receive a ton of compassion from from others and, and of course, yes, I'd get judgments. And yes, there might be pictures of me on the internet being like, lol this girl, she hit herself on stage or whatever. But I would survive, and it would be fine. In the end, it would be fine. And people would forget about him. But I didn't shit myself. The TEDx Talk went almost perfectly. So think about what you're, you're afraid of. When you're afraid of people judging you? What is the worst outcome? Like? Are you worried that you're gonna walk down the street and then like a gang of teenage boys are gonna be like, Oh my god, LOL You're so fat. Oh my god, there's a fat person look at them walking around or fat? Like is that your worst fear? No, is your worst fear that you're gonna be wearing like a crop top and short shorts. And then you fall over? And you know, a crowd of people are surrounding you and laughing at you like, is that your worst fear? So what is your worst fear? When it comes to the fear of judgement? Is it that you fear that everyone's gonna see you being a fat person and be like, Oh, my God, I can't ever talk to that fat person who are disgusting. I don't want to associate with them. Like, what is your fear? And what is your actual worst fear? And could you survive that? Is there any benefits to that? Like, could that make you stronger? Maybe not. You know, maybe it would just be a terrible experience. Not saying that, you know, every shitty thing has to be something that you grow from, but do you think you could survive? Do you think you could live? Can you balance out the pros and cons of being your authentic self and living in the world in a way that is true to you versus the risk, but that most terrible thing that you're afraid of could happen and people could judge you? Like what is more important for you to live authentically or to minimize any risks that anyone could judge you negatively? And those things could happen. Absolutely. You could, you know, fall over and then have a gang of teenage boys like being like, Oh, you're so fat and disgusting or I don't know. That could happen. It's probably not going to happen. But it could, but if it did, can you survive? Probably right. Something that Brene Brown says that I just absolutely love and it really resonates with me is that shame cannot survive the light. So self compassion dissolves shame and judgment, okay? So what is it that you're afraid of speak that out, tell people. And you know that that shame that you're feeling around how people could be judging your body, like, I'm afraid people could be looking at my legs and my arms or, you know, thinking that they that I'm horrible or whatever, just speaking that out, even just to yourself, or journaling journaling on it, and giving yourself compassion. It will dissolve a lot of that shame that you are feeling. So it was an example. So recently, maybe a month ago, I was in this group discussion. Like a group of us were talking about overcoming Coronavirus, and dealing with like the upheaval in our lives and whatnot. And we did like 12 weeks of meeting every week. Anyway. So I I'm like a, I think quickly, and I'm able to talk quite quickly, and obviously I'm not shy. And so whenever it'd be a group discussion, and it'd be like, okay, so what do people think about this one topic? Immediately, I would always know what I wanted to say. And other people would would not want to speak and would kind of hold back. And so I'd always be like, I'm ready to go. If you know, no one else, you know, I'd always hold back a little bit to see if anyone else wanted to go first. But often I'd be the first one to talk. And so, you know, after I'd speak, I'd like they all hate me. You know, I was I was, you know, thinking they all hate me.

Unknown Speaker 32:14

They think that I'm bossy. They think that I'm overtaking the discussion. And it's all about me. And I'm not gracious enough to let someone go first. And I was sitting there not listening to all the other people were saying because I was thinking, Oh, my God lay or you know, they all hate me. And so at the end of it, I said, Hey, you know, because we do like wrapping up the of the discussion and whatnot. So hey, you know, I just want to share something that I'm feeling is that I had this judgment that, that I, I presumed that all of you hate me because I speak first. And as soon as I said it, I was just like, This is silly, right? This is like, really? And even before people were like, Well, no, that's not true, just by speaking it and saying that, hey, I'm worried that you're judging me, I'm judging you. judging me. I'm judging that you're judging me, but you're probably not judging me. Anyway. And a lot of people will like actually, no, we love it that you go first because it gives us time to think and we we need more time to process and things like that. Yeah, not that I always go first. But you know, I'd be one of the first. And so that fear was dissolved just by speaking it even before people reassured me and said, No, we like you, you know, speaking up just by speaking it and being vulnerable thinking oh, I think you will hate me and it kind of dissolved it. So can you speak it that fear that that that fear of judgment, what you are really afraid of to yourself to others and see if it dissolves and have faith in humanity just a little bit just because you know, sometimes we can't have faith in humanity but have faith in humanity and little bit because yes, of course there are total knobs in the world are going to be like lol a fat person. But more and more in society, we are realizing that laughing at people who are different or judging people who are different isn't cool. Really, like I used to be an adjunct professor at the University of British Columbia in Canada. So I'd be teaching, you know, 1920 year olds, 21 year olds, and

Unknown Speaker 34:46

their perspective on the world was so uplifting and incredible and inclusive. And so different from what I was like when I was at university I was just like, Boom, you know, fogging whatever. They were, you know, sensitive towards social justice issues. And so that is a world that is that is coming up. And not obviously not all of them, but so many of them that I was just like, whoa, you know, young people are cool. Like, I want them to be my friends. And even, you know, older people too. So, you know, Simon Cowell on Americans got talent, or Britain's Got Talent or whatever. Simon Cowell. He's been around, he's been doing this stuff for years, right? Do you remember you might not remember, but in his earlier days, he would be the one that when someone who came on stage who looked different, he would be smirking and laughing and being like, well, this person is going to be shit because they didn't fit the stereotype of what a pop star would look like. And then he had to eat his words many times when, actually the person who looked a bit different had an incredible talent, like one person that I'm thinking about is Susan Boyle. Susan Boyle was a, I think she was Welsh. But she was on I think Britain's Got Talent or sort of a show like that. So she she is an older woman kind of, you know, mumsy, you know, gray, perm, that type of thing. And, and her personality is more, she has autism. At the time, we didn't know that she just came across as a little bit more quirky, or shy or whatever. Anyway, and she, you know, Simon Cowell is like a famous clip of Simon Cowell being like, well, she's gonna be shit and look at her sort of thing. And given eye rolls. And then she sings, I Dreamed a Dream from Les Mears. And then everyone was like, Holy shit, she can sing. And so Simon Cowell used to be like that. And I've been watching America's Got Talent recently. And he is the opposite. Every time someone comes out, and they say, you know, I can't do this, I've been told that I can't sing because I'm fat. Or I've been told that I can't do this thing. Because my body is different. Or I looked at I I'm different in some way. Simon Cowell is always says, we don't do that here. And we don't judge people by what they look like. And I've seen him say it like almost every episode, and I'm like Saima cow, you have changed your tune. And the reason is, because it's not cool to shame people for being different anymore. Now, not everyone has got that memo. Obviously, not everyone has got that memo, but a lot of people have, and so have a bit of faith in humanity that, you know, not everyone, if you walk down the street, and you look different. Not everyone is going to be like, Holy fucking shit that look at that disgusting person. You know, most people are probably not right, or probably thinking cool. It's nice to see some diversity. This is thing that I wish I could find like the original thing, but it's it's like a sentiment or, you know, a quote, that I've remembered for years, I thought was kind of funny. And I can't find the original one. So this is me butchering this, this idea. But the idea is that in your 20s, you worry about people judging you, in your 30s you don't care that people are judging you. And in your 40s, you realize that they were never really thinking about you in the first place. And I love that because it's so fucking true, right? It's so true, like, not necessarily to the timeline, but really, that people aren't necessarily thinking about us as much as we think they're thinking about us. Of course, we think that people are spending 24 hours a day thinking about, you know, what we're doing with their lives, but really, it's probably just a fleeting moment, if at all. And we're all in our own heads. So we're walking down the street and someone looks at us funny. And we're thinking, Oh, my God, what are they thinking? are they judging me? Oh, my God, do they think that I look horrible, whatever. And that same person is walking down the street and they see you and maybe you look funny at them because they happen to look funny at you. And they're thinking, Oh, my God, what is my hair looks good. today. I've got something on my face was wrong with me. And you're both, you know, both of us are just like, oh my god, does this other person think that I look awful? Do they hate me? And we're just having the same fear. And you know, most people are not even thinking about you. Sorry to break it to you. I know I can't handle it. I want people to be thinking about me all the time. But the reality is, people are not necessarily thinking about you or judging you as much as you might believe.

Unknown Speaker 39:44

So a way to come over this overcome this is to personally try to stop judging as much. Now I know that's hard and being judgmental is it's a normal thing, right? It's a part of For us, as humans, we need to judge others to see if they are a part of our community. If they are safe, we have to look at someone say if you're walking down the street, and it's a dark alley, and you see someone walking towards you, you need to judge them quickly to know, are they safe, am I going to get mugged, you know, whatever, right? And so forgive yourself for the fact that you are judgmental, we're all judgmental, we have to be, but our level of judgment, we can try and tamper it down a little bit. So something that I've noticed is the most judgmental people that I've known in my life are also the ones that presume everyone is thinking awful things about them all the time. Because they're thinking bad things about others all the time. And so they're like, well, if I'm thinking shit things about people, then they must be thinking the same about me. But it doesn't work like that. Because not everyone is super judgmental. A lot of people try to work on being a better person. And if you're here, then I know that that's you, like you, obviously, are not are striving to not judge people for being in a fat body and all that type of jazz. So keep working on that and keep doing the good stuff that you're doing there to try and decrease the amount that you judge. And when you're noticing that you're judging. Trying to grab that. So if you if you're looking at someone being like, Oh, my hair look shed, or whatever it is, you're thinking, trying to catch that thought and being like, Okay, so what's going on here? Why am I having that thought? How is this this sort serving me what is going on here? And trying to show that person some compassion, of what their life could be like, and what you know, what is going on with them? And is them having a haircut that you've decided is a little bit different? Something that defines him as a person, and just explore it, right? So the next thing is to practice doing the things that you think that you're gonna get judged for. Okay, so whatever it is, you think that you're going to get judged for. The only way to overcome that is to do it, and see what happens. So the first time is going to be uncomfortable, is going to be weird, you know, say the example of wearing a crop top or whatever wearing a crop top. And then you know, even just feeling the breeze on your belly, you're like, what, this is weird. It will feel uncomfortable. And walking by someone, you're going to be thinking, what that what are they thinking, they're thinking, this is really important and appropriate, blah, blah, blah. But then the more that you're exposed to doing that, the more you'll realize that you're just walking around, and no one is really saying anything, it's not that big of a deal. And if they do, then they're a knob. So the more you do it, the more normal it's going to be. And the less that you're going to be in your head thinking, Oh my God, they're thinking this or thinking this or thinking this. So if you want to do something new in your life, like love your fat body, or stop talking about diets, and you don't, because you're worried about what your family is going to think, what your loved ones, what they're going to say and how they're judging you. I challenge you to challenge that judgment that you're making about them. A lot of times we think, Oh, yeah. All family I know what they're like, if I come in and say, Hey, can we stop talking about diets? They're gonna be like, No, I love dieting. Screw you. And they could do that. But we don't know until we try it. Right? We don't know. You know, if you went to your loved ones, and you said, Hey, I've hated my body, my whole life. I've dieted and it's not worked. And so I'm going to try something new. I'm going to try to work on loving my body. And to stop dieting, because it's not helpful for me. Can you help me out and not talk about dieting in front of me?

Unknown Speaker 44:16

Now, most loved ones will try to understand where you're coming from. And to to help you with this new request. You know, most most people will because most people are not monsters, right? However, some will not because they've known you as a certain way for your whole life potentially. And you saying, Oh, I'm going to change it all up and do something different. It's threatening for them inherently right? So if someone that you love is judging you vocally expressing their negative judgments, judgments about you, then you can't stop that right. We can't stop Are people thinking what they're thinking? If only weekend, I'm constantly being like, I wish I could just just jump into your brain and change the way that you're engaging. But it doesn't work like that, right? So we can't change the way that they're behaving or thinking, but what we can do, what we can control is a way that we respond the way that we take care of our mental health. And so if a loved one is like, Oh, you're so fat, and horrible, and oh, you should go on diet and all that type of stuff, then you need to do something so that doing something could be setting a boundary with them. It could be minimizing contact with them, it could be doing something to protect your mental health. So not saying anything, or going to a different room or putting your headphones in, or whatever. And it could be ending the relationship with them. It could be any of those things, right? So you can't control how other people judge you, you can only control how you respond to those judgments. Which sucks. I know, I know, I know, why can't we can mind control others is when i ng. So you have control in the way that you respond to judgments. So what are you going to do? Are you going to minimize contact with them? Where you're going to set a boundary and say, Hey, we don't talk about that in front of me? Are you going to protect your mental health in different ways? Are you going to cut them from your life? Or options? Okay. So, in a nutshell, in a nutshell, people will judge you. I know, I know. I'm sorry, people will judge you, but not nearly as much as you think. Because most people in the world strive to be better human beings. Not all of them. But a big chunk. Judgments mean nothing about you, and your core value. As a human. Would you rather be a vanilla version of yourself a quieter a, a smaller version of yourself, so that when you're 80 years old, you can look back and be like, I'm so pleased people judge me less, because I pretend to be a different version of myself. Or do you want to be the 80 year old with the pink Mohawk? And the don't give a fuck attitude? Because you have that decision, you have that choice right now, you see on the things I see on the internet all the time, people, you know, they'll be a cool picture of a granny like with a pink Mohawk, or whatever. And people are like, I want to be like that when I'm older. And I always think, why don't you be like that now? Like, why do you have to wait until you're, you know, older? To be like, I don't give a fuck what you think about me? Why? Why is it that you have to wait, because you might not ever get there? And when you get there? Why do you presume that when you get old, all of a sudden, the way that you've behaved your whole life on all the fears of judgments that you've held and not worked on are just gonna suddenly dissolve, guess what they won't, you have to do it now, to be able to be that I don't give a fuck old person who you know, shaves their head and rides a motorcycle or whatever it is that you want to do, you know, or just like, gives a finger to diet culture. So if you're like, oh, yeah, you know, like goals of when I get get older. We're not goals of what you're doing right now. Right? Right. So I hope that was helpful in changing your beliefs and your fears around judgment. And you know, judgment is always going to be that fear, fear of judgment is judgment is always going to be there and fear of judgment is always going to be there because you are a human being. But the way that you respond to it can can change and you can become more it can be easy to tolerate. When you know that fear of people judgments and if people ever say shit to you, honestly so if someone would say to me before, like my biggest fear is someone be like you're fat. And if someone ever did say, Oh, you're fat, I'd

Unknown Speaker 49:42

be like, Oh my god. Oh my god, it'd be so painful, so painful. And now if someone says you're fat, I'd be like, No shit, Sherlock like Wow. Great observational skills and what like it doesn't hold that same weight. Excuse apart. I have that same, that same power anymore. Because I've been exposing myself to that fear of that judgment of people having about my fat body. And so the more that you expose yourself to these things that you are afraid of the you know, the judgment around, the easier it will get. So to do that, alright, and go to the show notes first value.com forward slash 037, episode 37 on facebook.com forward slash podcast, and get that juicy new resource that I have made for you the first fatty body love a roadmap. So good. Inside it, you're gonna get the three simple steps to follow to increase your body confidence, the three massive mistakes everyone makes on this journey and how to avoid them. And you're gonna get free body love training sent to your in box. Yes, you're gonna get some more of me. Don't you love it? You might like no go away. But if you do then yeah. And join my Facebook group face value friends link in the show notes. But you can also do face value friends in Facebook. All right. Well, thank you for hanging out with me today. It's been amazing. Have you had fun? I've had fun. had the best time. And yeah, I will see you in the next episode. Have an incredible rest of your day, rest of your week. Whatever you're up to. I will see you later. Crocodile in a while alligator by fatties. Okay, bye bye bye bye.