Episode 25 Transcript

Hello and welcome to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I am your host, Victoria Welsby, and in this episode we're talking about how life changes when you love yourself, the good, the bad, and the weird. Let's do it.

You're listening to the Fierce Fatty podcast. I'm Victoria Welsby TEDx speaker, bestselling author and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self-esteem to being a courageous and confident first fatty who loves every inch of this jellied society teaches us living in a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter. Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century. So how do you stop a negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty podcast. Let's begin.

Welcome to episode 25. Oh my gosh. Quarter of the way through to a hundred. Imagine a hundred episodes of this bad boy. I started recording in November. Now it's just the beginning of April. So pretty, pretty happy with myself. It's pretty good. And today the sun is shining which makes my brain happy. I don't know about you but when it's a bit gloomy outside, I contend to feel a bit gloomy in my brain. And actually something I've learned since I've been in Ireland is that the countries that don't get a lot of sun like Ireland where it's gray and raining 97% of the year, a lot of people actually have to take vitamin D tablets because they don't get enough vitamin D cause there's not enough sun. So I'm taking vitamin D tablets and hopefully it's, I don't know what it's going to do. Give me all that vitamin D or you know, I like a bit of vitamin D, different type of vitamin D though numb thing.

I'm on video as well recording this podcast. I have been doing it for a few weeks now. So if you want to see my gorgeous face, which obviously then go and check out my YouTube channel to listen to the podcast there and you can see what's happening to my hair as well as time goes by however long we're going to be spending quarantining, self-isolating and me not being able to get a haircut. I've got a like, it's like a crimping. It looks like a crimping tool, but it's kind of, I don't know if it's called a chopstick hair curler. So it's a really thin hair curler in the shape. The kind of the size of a chopstick is a big chopstick. It's not actually the size of a chopstick, it's like a maybe two chopsticks together and it kind of makes them more of a different type of curl. So that's what I've done to my hair to try and make it look vaguely presentable. I was thinking about, I don't know, just shaving it all off, but my shaver is not working and I want to try and get some growth on the top as well. So sorry, if you're just listening, you probably, you're like, wow, what does your hand look like? I just don't know. Oh my God. So yeah, he's going to have to find a picture of me or not. You're probably not interested.

So today we are going to be talking about what happens like when you have confidence, when you have confidence in your body, you have confidence in who you are as perfect person. You feel you have higher self-esteem, you feel more self-assured. So what happens? The good, the bad and the weird things. So you know what to expect if you're on that adventure to feeling more confident in your body about who you are as a person, what you might expect in the future. And if you're at that place where you're like, yeah, I feel like fucking Beyoncé every day, then let's compare some notes because what I'm talking about are, these are my examples of what I have experienced and everyone is going to be totally different. But obviously there's sweeping themes when it comes to when you have more confidence what goes on in your life and how things change. And just a big disclaimer, the way that I express myself is totally individual to me. And so I want to do things like wear a string bikini and do lunges, right?

So that's me. I want to do that because it's fun and I'd enjoy it and I enjoy being a dick and just prancing around. Someone else can be confident, super, super confident and they just did their thing, right? So don't listen to my stories and my examples and be like, well if I get really confident, does it mean that I have to show my nipples to everyone at work? Cause I don't want to show my nipples, but if I don't want to show my nipples, does that mean I'm not confident? No, I've never shown my nipples to people at work. But if that's what you want to do and that's your expression of confidence, your authentic self and you do you show those nipples, just go wild.

So let's go through the good, the good and the weird and then we'll do the bad. Cause there is some bad things, you know, it's not all roses and unicorns and glitter raining down from the sky and all that type of stuff. So the first thing that I mentioned how life changes. I mentioned this just then happily wearing a string bikini, literally a string bikini and prancing around. So I'll link to the video, but they'll have a video of me. There's loads of videos of me in a bikini, just I say dancing, but it's really just me waving my arms. I have limited dance abilities, but this magazine, and there was a competition to be on the cover of the magazine. You just have to submit a video and then people would vote on the video. And I was like, okay, what can I do that represents me and my personality? And I was like, well, I like being a bit of a knob and being ridiculous. And so I went to, there's a pool in Vancouver, which is like in a place called Kits. Kitsilano, Kitsilano is very kind of yoga, very West coast, very, Oh, I'm training for the Olympics. It's a big long pool right next to the sea. It's gorgeous. It's absolutely beautiful, but very intimidating. When I first came to Vancouver, when I went to Vancouver, it would be 11 years ago now. That's when I was just kind of beginning to work things out. Even going to the beach, just standing there fully clothed. I felt intimidated. And so this is the type of place and it's a pool, you know, people are being very serious and swimming and you know, have lots of equipment and Speedos and stuff but it's beautiful.

And the backdrop is mountains and stuff. So I said to Summer Innanen, my friend, she was on last podcast, podcast before who lives just down the road from me. I said, let's go to that beach to that pool and film me just knob in about in the pool. And she's like, yes. Done. Absolutely. And so I went and I did things like dead lunges and rolled around in the shallow end of the pool and put my leg up high on a thing and just being a knob basically. And people were looking at me and guess what? I didn't care. I didn't care that people were looking at me. I didn't care that some people would probably like, Hmm, what is she doing? She probably needs to lose weight or whatever. I don't care if some people were like yeah, she's amazing, you know, because whatever people think about me isn't really none of my business.

I was just having fun and laughing with Summer and it was fine. This is weird, right? This is weird, as in my life not to have been expected because previously I would want to be wearing a T shirt if I went into the water to hide myself and running from the changing room to get into the water as quick as possible because I didn't want anyone to see me, but also not running too fast because he didn't want to slip and fall and have more people look at me. And this feeling of just not caring what other people think is weird, right? It's weird. But that is one way that my life has changed now that I am more confident. So the next thing is you know, when you're on a night out or you're just with friends or someone says, let's take a photo before I would be like, okay, so either I'm uncomfortable being in this photo, even being in the photo. Or I would be like, okay, well make sure that I pose in such a way. So like stick my chin out. So when people can't see my double chin, put my arms out as far as possible and hunch my shoulders forward so that my arms look thin and try and do that thing that Tyra Banks taught me in the in the two thousands about, I'm looking like I have a thigh gap by putting my knees together and like doing a little squat thing and contorting my body and trying to get the best angle. And then when the photographer would say, do you want to look at the picture? Immediately, the only thing that I cared about looking at was me and how I looked and if I look good or not. And then if I didn't look good thinking, saying like take another photo and you know, not caring if it was, if it was a good photo for everyone else, because if I looked not like a glamour model or something like miraculously the very best angle, a humanly possible with the best light then it would make me sad and I'd be like, Oh, do I look like that?

And now, I just honestly think if someone's taken a photo of me, it's good. It's good. Like it's a true representation of who I am. And I know that there will be some pictures where the angle will be where things will make me look even more fabulous. And then sometimes that will be angles or compositions of the picture where it looks slightly less fabulous, but still it's fabulous because I'm in the picture. So even as someone was like, right, I'm going to take a picture from below, I'm going to really catch that double chair and I'm going to zoom in on, you know, whatever feature that previously I would have said was bad. I be like, cool. It's just a representation of who I am and I'm not constantly looking like a model.

I know how to believe. I'm not constantly looking like a model, but the truth is that we have so many different angles and some ways we look more pleasing to ourselves, which is all just a construct from diet culture and patriarchy and all that type of bullshit. But now, so when someone says, Oh, do you want to look at the photos? I be like, yeah, we know. I know, I know look good. And I remember when I was in the BBC show, we had a professional photographer coming. He's like really incredible photographer. And he sat down afterwards and showed me the photos and I was just like, yes, yes. Oh my God. Oh my God. And he's like, do you like them? I'm like, they're amazing. Oh my God. In each one. And he could, you could tell he was like, Oh, this is cool kind of. cause I was just like, Oh my God, this is great. And even in like photos where maybe he caught me with my eyes closed or whatever, I'm just like, yeah, like why it doesn't matter. And hearing from the other people in the house about their experiences of going through the photos, just looking at them on his camera screen. And that was really difficult for them. And they were just like, I don't like any of the photos. I look bad and all of them. And in my mind I'm like, how can you look bad because it's a representation of you and your not bad. But obviously in their head they thought that they were bad. So now photos, I'm like take photos of me. Oh my God, I'm amazing. Or don't cause I don't care cause I'm amazing either way. And it's fun to take cool photos. Like you say, if I'm wearing something interesting or there's a cool background, that's cool, but if I don't look like a supermodel in them, I don't care. In fact, I think it's important to share those types of photos because that's a true representation of who I am as a person, you know, an imperfect person.

So another thing is the clothes that I wear. I remember during my exams at school when I was 15, that's when we do GCCS in the UK. That's people leave school. And you can choose to study longer if you want. But anyway so when I was 15 and in the UK schools on the whole we wear school uniforms and so which is good because it means that there's less kind of bullying because someone doesn't have the right clothes. And obviously there's still, because people will have like fancy shoes or whatever. And, in some ways it's bad because then maybe not all school clothes are made in all sizes. But anyway, for me, I thought it was good, but then the exams at the summertime in the school whole, which had no air conditioning because the UK doesn't do air conditioning. And anyway, the only clothes I had because we were poor, but also because I wanted to cover my body was a giant hoodie and like these three quarter length cargo trousers, which they were probably called at the time, but anyway, and so, you know, wearing this massive hoodie and it was like hot days and I was there not to look a certain way but to take exams, but I couldn't possibly go in and wear just a T-shirt with my cargo, three quarter length pedal pusher type things.

It was not an option for me because I was so deeply ashamed of my body that there was no way that I could do that. And so I probably struggled way more because I was so deeply uncomfortable and sweating my fucking tits of wearing this hoodie to try and cover myself up. And now I look back and I'm just like, it's funny because you know, not funny, but for as funny as in interesting that we wear these things to cover ourselves up. Like, you know, dark colors and all this other stuff. People could still see that I was fat. Me wearing a hoodie, people weren't like, Oh my God, Wow, Victoria is like a size 0. She's like, must be like an extra small cause she's wearing that hoodie and she's covering herself up. Oh my God, she's so skinny. I know it was, you know, this security blanket. And it was like, Oh well maybe they won't see my fat rolls or something. People could see I was fat and so I wish I could have gone back and been like, Victoria, just wear something that will keep yourself cool and people know you're fat and it doesn't make a difference cause you're amazing. Just the exams go on, it's going to be fine. So now I wear things that make me comfortable and wear things that authentically represent who I am. And I tend to like bright colors and I tend to like things which are maybe a little bit more dramatic or as before I would be worried about wearing anything like that. I'd be worried about wearing a crop top or a tight fitting dress or whatever it was. I would just be, it was always just be a battle in my mind of wanting to be fashionable and express myself.

But deciding that those fashions weren't for someone like me, you know, like when crop tops started coming out and, before when crop tops are a thing, like in the 1990s, late 90, early 99, whatever, whenever crop tops were around before and then I was just like, no, that is not something for me. But now when they came around again, I'd known maybe like four years ago when they started coming out again and I was just like, cool, this would be interesting to wear something. Which previously I had decided was not for someone of my size crop tops or for thin people who have flat stomachs is what I had previously taught myself, which was a belief which was not based in fact. So now I whatever love, fuck I won't and just bricks, press myself and it's all good.

So next thing is I will do stuff that previously I would have put off doing or simply not ever have done. So an example of this is I went on vacation to Mexico on my own. So an example of this is I went on vacation on holiday to Mexico on my own and I was at for 10 days. The reason why I went on my own is I had just split up with my long-term partner and I wanted to get away and I want you to go somewhere hot. And so I just, I just booked him not in a bajillion years. Previously when I had low self-esteem, would I have booked to go on a vacation on my own? It just absolutely no fucking way. Like, what are you gonna do? Like I would've just hid my room the whole time, maybe snuck out to the hotel pool or something. And this was a little bit of a challenge because for 10 days I was going to be on my own. I don't speak any Spanish. And I had never been to where I went before. And I just did it and I went and I would have day trip excursions and chat with the people on the bus and I would go and have dinner on my own and relax and have some drink on the patio and just relax by the pool and, you know, talk to waiters. And then I got food poisoning. I hang out in my hotel room alone for three days until I got better. But I did it and I survived. And it was fun. And there would have been points where it would have been more enjoyable if there was someone else there. But then there were points where, cause I'd just broken up with my long-term boyfriend. That was a day where I went to this rooftop pool bar thing and he paid to get in and then all day the waiters serve you and move your umbrella and things like that.

I just, it feels fabulous. And I just spent the whole day there eating food, drinking, sleeping when it got too hot, getting in the pool, coming out, reading, sleeping, drinking, eating. And if I had been with my next boyfriend, he would have after about half an hour or an hour being like, I'm bored, let's go. But I could just do exactly what I wanted to do and I didn't feel weird or all day. I was on my own. I didn't feel like people were like, Oh my God, she's on her own. What's wrong with her? Cause that's where, how I felt before that people would be like, Oh, there's someone on their own. She must be weird or have no friends or there's something wrong. And now I don't feel like that at all and because of that, then I can just go on adventures like going to Mexico on my own.

Now, another thing is having sex and not caring about if the lights are on or if I'm under the covers or not under the covers. And being able to express myself and just be comfortable with who I am. So when I was, I mentioned this before about me being in an abusive relationship, I probably told you about 50,000 times you're like, yeah, shut up, whatever. But when I was 17, I was dating that first year old abusive alcoholic, you know, and I remember he one day said to me, why are your breasts like that? Like, and he was referring to them like saying, why are they like that? Like saggy and droopy, like what is wrong you? And he wanted me to explain my body to him and explain why I looked the way that I did at 17, which the way that I looked was absolutely fucking perfect. Absolutely. Okay. Absolutely. How I should have looked and still look. And so in that moment I was like, okay, there is something really wrong with my body. This guy has been around the block longer than me. He's 30 years old and he saying, what is wrong with you? Now, if you would put current Victoria in that situation, I would have probably just had bud him. But if someone said that to me now, so if someone said something like that to me now, I would just be like, Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed for you. Like clearly you have not seen human bodies before. Like, what is going on here? Have you only ever seen women on the internet? Have you only ever seen women represented in a stereotypical porn like hello? What's wrong with you? You know I would just be like, wow Oh, this is awkward. Like these are just tits, you know human tits what is wrong with your brain that you would say something like that?

He was being abusive in that moment, obviously. And he was, you know, trying to destroy my self-esteem. And so for years it was like, Oh my God, I'm fat and you know, if I'm fat, I could at least have big bouncy tits to make men happy. And is what I thought. But my tits aren't like my nipples don't point towards the ceiling. Like, Oh my God, this is so embarrassing. And, but that's not how I feel anymore. I'm just like, my body is just what a human body looks like. Last week, I went to get a mammogram cause I found a lump in my breast. I don't think there's anything wrong, but anyway, and so there's lots of times you have to, you know, you do that with your tits out basically. And when you get a mammogram, you're standing and they put your tits in. Like this vice thing doesn't, it sounds horrible, but don't, it's fine if you haven't, you need to go. And I was thinking like, Wow, I could be stood here fully clothed and this is how I feel exactly the same. Like in regards to, you know, I feel like I need to cover myself. I'm just like these people, these, so maybe like five people on my tits that day, just that day. Normally it's like 500. And I just did not care. It was not even a thing. And imagine if it was a thing before, it would have been a thing of me being, you know, embarrassed and having to stand in a room with my top off and embarrassed and top hole of feeling like, Oh my God, is there something wrong with me cause I'm having to have all these tests done and I don't got time for that.

Like I don't care. You know, they've seen every single type of tits that has ever existed. Right. So you're like a mammogram technician. And then the doctor, we were like laughing. I was there with the doctor who did a ultrasound and I'm just that chatting away to her and she's like, it looks like she's close to retirement or and, you know, just there hanging out with my tits out. She's on a scan where I'm going to chat about like funny stories and stuff like that. And you know, it makes it so that something like that is not stressful. It's not, you know, a thing. And when it, when it comes to a new partner taking my clothes off and walking around naked, it's just not a thing. Like, I just think they're so fucking lucky that they have me in their beds or wherever it is behind the dumpster. Wherever they have me. They are so fucking lucky. Like the last guy that I had sex with, I was just like, Oh my God, you have a naked woman in your bed. How awesome is that? And he was like, yeah, and really that's what people are thinking. They're not thinking cool, you know, unless they're a knob or unless they're like incredibly inexperienced because now that we're getting older, we're, you know, I'm not in my twenties. I'm, how old am I now? 35. I always forget how old I am. Now that we're getting older, like I don't want to be messing about with no guy who has never seen human women bodies before, right. I don't want to be fucking around with a guy who's like, why are they not like round like a robot simulation like porn, I've been watching like what is wrong with you?

I be like, see you later Louisa, what's wrong with you? Yeah, so and because of that, because I'm not in my head thinking, Oh, well if I'm having sex in this position, my belly fat is going to be rolled up and scrunched up. And so if he's like doing it from here, then I will look thinner and you know, it's all about him and for me, him and his pleasure and how he was viewing my body. And that was nothing to do with me, right? I was basically having sex just fit the guy that I was with like, hello. You should be having fun to previous Victoria. And because of that now, because I'm not like, Oh, what does my body look like? Whatever. I'm just there just to have fun. And if a guy is all about himself, I'm like, hmmm don't think so motherfucker.

So finally another good is just feeling comfortable in my body and not having to constantly fidget and adjust things and pull my top down to hide my bum and make sure that my belly is haired and all that type of stuff. And it's like a general, like before it was like a general just hum of feeling uncomfortable in my body and feeling my fat and just being like, Ugh. And you know, walking around and thinking I caught people, can people see my stomach and kind of like a day really grinding me down and now never kind of body checking. The only time I'm like adjusting my clothes is, I don't know, is this normal but so often and my trousers is a falling down. I'm not trying, this is a not too loose. Like, I wear a bell. It's not just normal trouser usage my jeans is that what normal humans like anyway. And I tell him, I'm like adjusting things is, you know, from a trousers before now and I'll pick them up or as before. I'd be like constantly like, Oh, you know, if the wind blew and blew my jacket open, I'd be like, Oh, this zip up jacket. I don't want people to see this. And I would always be wearing jackets, you know, coats that zipped up to hide my body. Versus just, you know, walking around in a TV show or whatever. And as well, now I say if I'm walking around naked, getting ready and I catch my body in the mirror, if I see my body and my brain says, cause sometimes if there's difficult situations, like right now during COVID 19 my brain is somewhat trying to find control, right?

And so trying to, if I control all of the times, if you have a history with dieting or hating your body your brain will go, okay, why don't you lose some weight because you have control over your weight and you can control what you eat and then you're going to get thin. And if you thin and then you're happy. And so you know, noticing the other day that it looked to me like my body was a lot bigger and there was a lot of bulges and places that the previous day there wasn't. And so now I can be like, Oh that's interesting. Clearly my body hasn't doubled in size in a day because that is impossible. Those new, you know, the new bigness that I'm perceiving in the mirror is in my mind and that is diet, culture, fatphobia penetrating my brain for that moment and now I'm able to be like, Hmm, interesting. Something else is going on and it's not my body and I can continue just going around feeling comfortable in my body. Okay. So if I had listed off those goods and that's not all of the good, but if I had listed off those good when I was not confident, I would have been like, who does this stuff? This is not real, this is not realistic. There's something going on. Like this person has some, you know, something in their brain that's different from mine. That is never going to happen for me. But like I've mentioned before, when you decide that you're going to change your relationship with your body, it's not like you decide one day you wake up the next day and you're like, I'm Lizzo, I feel like Lizzo I'm going to wear some assless chaps to the basketball game and do some twerking and it's going to be amazing.

That doesn't happen. The govern from nor feeling good about your body to assless chaps is probably, it's different for everyone. But for me it was probably a couple of years. And obviously in between no confidence and assless chaps, not that I've ever worn assless chaps, but send me some well I'll wear them where small increments of change. And so, you know, that tiny change of I didn't go from wearing T-shirts when I was in the water to wearing a string bikini. Like that's fucking weird. I went from that to wearing just a black swimsuit that covered me up to wearing a swimsuit that had maybe some color on it to wearing a high waisted bought on bear and then a halter top bed. And then to, you know, a bigger bikini to a more revealing bikini to a string bikini, right? And so it's these incremental changes that leads up to this place where you're like, wow, I don't fucking care what people think of my body. I don't think about my body much. I am just neutral about it. And sometimes I'm like, yeah, I'm a fucking queen. And so all of that stuff can be seen as weird, right? Just going on vacation on your own and, mucking around with your bum hole out around your new boyfriend. Like what? But it is 1000% achievable, I promise. And to get there, if you want to get there, if you do want to be walking around with your bum hole out in front of your new boyfriend, you don't have to then you can get there. If that's one of your goals, bum hole showing to new partner, then you can get that, believe in your dreams, you'll get there.

Okay. So let's talk about the bad, the bad about loving yourself, feeling more confident, having higher self-esteem. So you were going to have higher expectations for yourself and what you accept. And that fact alone is hard. It's so much easier in the moment to be passive. It's life is easier. It's just, you know, your life is more of a straight line versus ups and downs. It's comfortable. It's the easier path to take. It's not as challenging. So the way that I like to view it is, I've used this analogy before, but if you're on a trail, so you walking on a trail through the woods or something and there's two paths and there's one path which is just straight ahead. There's no ups and downs. It's not going to be that challenging. It'll be fine. You know, it's just a path you can take.

And then there's another one and it's like, this path is rocky and it's is unknown. And I can see there's some steep bits, so don't worry, you want to do it. But if you go on the other path, by the end of the trail, you'll be on a more experienced trail walker and you will be better for it because you're able to manage to go on other trails and not be scared of the unknown and all that type of stuff. So it's difficult, you know, in the long run it's better. Well, I decided it's better for me to have higher expectations for what I will accept in life, but in the moment it fucking sucks. Not always, but it's hard. It's really hard because it's easier just to be like, you know what, I'll just accept that it's a bit shit and I’m a bit shit, so I'll accept shit.

You know? It's like, you know what it's like, it's like if you're in a restaurant and your meal comes and it's shit like really shit, it's all even just moderately shit. Or just like, I know you find a hair in it. Like, are you gonna say something to the waiter? And so a life where you're not where I wasn't confident, I wouldn't say anything to the waiter. In fact, when I was working on becoming confident, one of my things I wanted to do was complain to a waiter in a restaurant. And there's actually a picture of me that I have of me with my hands around the neck of a male waiter, pretending obviously to take a picture of me achieving this and I complained like the food was late or whatever. What is easier to, in that moment to just be like, you're the person you're with or if you're on your own or in your head, just be like, Oh God, look, there's a hair.

Oh, this is disgusting. Well, their soup isn't hot enough and Oh, this is not cooked the way all of this is not what I expected. And then when the it comes or the way you know the person serving you comes, is everything okay? Oh yes. Oh, it's delightful. Oh lovely. Best soup I've ever tasted. And money. Oh, compliments of the chef, right. That's way easier than being like, do you know where all actually is a bit sucky? And that is, well, I'm feeling more confident is for me having to, because you know that you're worth more to say I changed, this is a bit sucky and obviously not every time you go to a restaurant, do you have to complain because it'll all the times you food is going to be great, but this is an analogy. Sometimes in life you have to because you are compelled to because you know that you're worth more have to do difficult things.

So another bad, I say bad in quotation marks, but it's just, you know, life being a little bit more challenging. Dating is harder. So much harder. Before when I had low self-esteem, I would date any mother fucker. He would send me a message any, anyone, as long as they weren't, you know, borderline serial killer. Even if there was, I probably like, Oh wait, he's charming. And so I'm disappointed more often and I don't get as much D and I don't date as much. You know, before when I was single, I'd been fucking day in every fucking day of the week. I was thirsty. Oh. So here's a couple of the stories of my dating before and after. So before, this is when I first got to Vancouver, like 11 years ago I was dating on, ah, plenty of fish. Remember that? Plenty of fish don't think that exists anymore. So plenty of fish. I there was a guy, he said he was in publishing, so I set a date with him and the moment I met him, the first thing he said to me is, you're taller than I expected. And honestly, he was shorter than I expected. Not that I really cared, but he had lied about his height on his profile and then he was like, well, you'll take a tall. Cause I went back and I was like, hang on a minute. Like why am I taller than him? And he must've been probably 5'5. But I think in his profile he said he was like 5'9 or something like that. I'm 5'7. And so he was like, you're taller than I expected. And I was just like, mm, not really. And you know, the first thing someone says like that and it's kind of like, Hmm, was a bit of a desk because it's kind of, I don't know. Anyway, so that was the first thing. And then he had this job in publishing and so is what he said and I was like, Oh, so tell me about your job. His job in publishing was in Vancouver and I know a lot of places. I know in London, in the UK there is people that hand out free papers. And so he handed out the free paper and so, which is fine, whatever. But he had said, I'm in publishing, which is not a lie, but not necessarily a true representation. I went on maybe like three or four days with this guy. So after like the first 10 minutes of this day, I would have been like, ah, okay. See you later. If it was me now he said, Oh, I only date girls who are like model good-looking. Oh, they're kind of ugly, but they have a really good personality.

And I was like, which one am I then? And he was like, I'm just saying some like that. Like you want a fucking dick. Anyway, he knows I'd be complaining the whole time about how he used to have a really high paying job, but now he's so poor and he was like so hard done by, and he was like screwed over by someone, but you can tell from his personality that, you know, he probably wasn't real. And yeah, he just consumed about himself. And the last date that I went on him with, we were in his area and he said, Oh, I'm just going to pop into my apartment to pick up something. And so he said, Oh, he can come up with me. So I went up with him and I stood in his living room and he's like, I'm just going to go get to my room, pop, get something.

So I stood there. His apartment was a dump, obviously. I stood there, I'm like waiting like one minute and two minutes, five minutes. I'm thinking, what's wrong? Let me see. Did he get lost? And so I stopped, like, we'll come back and I'm like, Hey, whatever his name was, let's call him Dan. Hey Dan, are you alright, and I walked back into a find his room. Eventually he's there, sat on his fucking computer and his like wearing headphones, doing like the computer stuff, like playing a PC game. And he's like, Oh yes, yeah, I'm just playing the game. And he just left me, stood in his living room saying I'm just going to pop to get something. I'll be back in a sec and he starts fucking playing a video game. And I was like, I'll just be a minute to spare minute. I can't remember what I did. I'd probably just stood in his living room again. But yeah. And so I just thought, you know, that's a bit weird, but you know, you know, what do you expect? That's just how people are. Any of those single things happened. Then I would have been with higher confidence has been out there in a second and we'd been like, Oh my God, this was a hilarious dating story. But I spent I think, yeah, three or four days with this guy. And I probably stopped dating him only because he probably didn't respond to my messages. Like I probably was not the one that ended it. I can't remember though, and that's probably.

In my TEDx talk, I talk about me finding out the guy that I was dating at the time had like 17 other girlfriends and I was the one who busted him. And of course, it's not my fault that he cheated on me, but I don't think I would have gotten into that same situation where I was cheated on in that way if I had higher self-esteem because there were so many red flags that I chose to ignore. So we had a long distance relationship and he would just go missing for like a week. Like when I say missing, his phone would be off, he would not respond to any texts, any calls and we were like probably dating. Like we were together. We were, you know, it wasn't just like a casual thing. And so, and instead of being like, what the fuck, I would just be playing it cool and eventually he text me and be like, Hey, how you doing? And instead of being like what happened there? I'd be like, Oh, I was worried about you. I didn't hear from you. I'd be like, Oh, play cool, play cool. You don't want to be clingy. Just playing around and relaxed. And you know, he'd just been like, make up some bullshit excuse and be like, Oh, I miss you so much. And then just like love bomb me and shower me with affection and all the things I needed to hear in that moment. Now I'd be like, if my boyfriend just went missing for a week, I be like, what the fuck happened? And if it happened again, I be like, okay, something, something is wrong here. And that was just like so many fishy things that I totally played off and was like, well, you know, just be a cool girlfriend. Just don't ask him about that. Just, and obviously like afterwards when I met up with two of the other girlfriends, we pieced together timelines and worked out, but he would be like on a vacation with the other girlfriend at the time, you know, that week that he went missing.

And we weren't, you know, worked out, but there were reasons to be suspicious because he is all for, you know, jetting off. Like one time he took me to Paris for the week and the other one or the other girlfriends was like, where were you like when you with him between this week? And I was like, yeah, I was in Paris with him and found out that he, you know, would sneak off. He went once and he was like, Oh, I'm going to pick up some something for us to eat. And when he went off, he was gone for like a couple of hours. And I was like, well, why are you, and he was like, Oh, I got lost and stuff like that. It turns out he was on the phone to one of the other girlfriends. Anyway. So we, if I had higher self-esteem, any of those red flags, I would have been like, this doesn't feel good. And so I'm not going to stick around to try and work out if the guy's not going to be up front. And so now I've been dating, Oh gosh, maybe I've been single for three years. I don’t know. I can't remember. It feels, I don't know. Anyway, I'm single. I'm single and ready to mingle and I'd been on the apps. I'm not plenty of fish. I don't think that's around anymore, but a Tinder and OkCupid. I like OkCupid better because you know, you get a sense for the personality. Anyway. So one guy that I met on the apps was this really quirky lawyer guy. And he was I think it was like from Syria or something and like, and he was like, super interesting and you know, a little bit weird, a little bit nerdy. And I was like, cool. And he was like, I think he was a human rights lawyer anyway, like so many.

I was like, Oh, it sounds so interesting and so we met for coffee. First thing that he did is he hugged me and his hand went to my bum and I was just in that moment, I was just like, did that happen? Cause it wasn't like he didn't squeeze my bum necessarily, but it was kind of like, was that an accident? Like you know, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt, like one time and accidentally. One time I remember like one of the most cringy moments from my teenage hood is when I was, I used to play the trumpet and I came second in this trumpet competition and my dad was there watching. And afterwards he came to me and this was when I was like, I don't know, 12. And my tits were just starting to grow and you know, when your tits starting to grow in puberty they’re really hurt, right. They're really achy. Anyway, my dad came and he tried to do a little like punch on the shoulder, like good job Victoria. But instead of punching me out, you know, gently on the shoulder, he punched me on the tits, on the tit and it was so awkward because like my mum was there, my trumpet teacher was there. I know some of official. This is how I remember on my head and my dad just came along was like, good job Victoria, and then just punched me in the tits and I was just like, ah.

So anyway my dad always, he didn't deliberately punch me in the tits as a teenage girl. But so this guy, he touched my bum and so I was like, okay. And so we went and got coffee, I bought it, we sat down and it was summer, so he was wearing shorts and he was just sat there looking at his legs and finding like spots and he just started popping his pimples on his legs during our day. And, I was like, Whoa, who is like, well that'd be fine if we'd were dating or whatever, I'd still be like, dude, like we're out in public. But he started popping spots on his legs and then so I was like, mm, not really. And so he was like, Oh, do you want to like after we finish our coffee, do you want to go and hang out on the beach? Cause we were at the beach and you know, I spent some more time together and I was like, no, it's okay. No thanks. And he was like, Oh Hey, did you know that the best time if you were to murder a woman, the best time is on the first date? Because, and I'm like, what the fuck? Because on the first day, women are not necessarily excited about the guy. And so they don't tell their friends, whereas on the second day, they're more likely to have told their friends that they're going on a date. So it's first day is best time to kill and so I was like, Okay, see you later and off I went. So if this had happened, this whole sequence of events had happened when I had lower self-esteem, I would have been like, so if he touched my bum, I would've been like, Oh, he obviously finds me attractive. If he's touching my bum, good sign. If he was there popping his spots, I would probably be like, Oh, you probably so comfortable around me that he's able to do that. And like the murdering women thing, I probably would, would've been like, Oh, he's so quirky. And like, yeah, he's probably joking. Like he probably doesn't want to murder me. But I mean, raise your audience. Like maybe you don't joke like that on the first date.

So another one, my day before last, my last day in Vancouver. I mean this guy and he was new to the city. He was from, he was from somewhere in Africa. I can't remember which country. But anyway, see he seemed really cool and we chatted on the phone and stuff. And so we had the date set up and being on time is a big deal for me. Like it's a deal breaker for me if someone cannot consistently be on time and not have like a good reason for me, it is a deal breaker in a relationship. And so I get to the place and I'm like 15 minutes early. So I went in my car and so we're meeting in front of this pub. And so let's say we're meeting at seven, so seven, I'm there on the dock waiting, looking through the crowds for him to emerge and nowhere to be seen. So five minutes goes by like no messages from him. And at this point at seven, I had text him saying, I'm here outside the front no text messages from him. And so like 10 minutes past, I'm like, okay, well how long do I have to wait to not get a text for me to realize I've messed it up?

And so I'm like Googling like how long do people wait? And the, and the internet told me wait for 15 minutes and if they not arrive by 15 minutes, then you know, and so I think it was like minute 10 or some somewhere before 15 minutes. And he's like, great, be there soon. And so then when it got to 15 minutes, I was like, do you need. Are you lost or something? And he's like, Oh, I'm just leaving my home and I'll be there soon. Now where he lived was an hour away from where I was. So when he was like, I'm just getting on the bus or whatever, I was like no. Whereas before I would've been like, well, he's new to the city and so I just said, no, this is not gonna work. And I took myself off and had some, got some sushi and he was just like bombarding my phone with text messages, calling me being like, don't be like, don't be like this baby.

Why you gotta be so uptight? And he didn't even say sorry, like, Oh, I'm so sorry I'm late. Like something happened. He was just like, Oh, I'm leaving now. And it was already like quarter past. And so he was going to be there like an hour and 15 minutes late. And he's like, well, I'm coming, like, I don't want to waste my time coming if you're not going to be there and I'm still coming. And you know, before when I had lower self-esteem, I would've been like, ah, well, you know, he's coming so I'll give him a second chance. But I mean, like, that's a fucking red flag if there was ever one. So yeah, give me some dating stories there.

Another thing is that I have to set boundaries and you know, I love a boundary, but what I was mentioning before, it's just easier just to not to have to do these things. And, you know, secretly let people walk over you and not correct them and not say, Hey, this is what I like and want a need in my life. And you know, when someone says or does something shitty, I have to work out how I want to handle it. Like a goddamn adult sucks. I can choose to not do anything, but I know because I have now because I have a genuine desire to stand up for myself. You know, I can't You know, lets things slide whereas before I would let things slide, like say for example, I don't know. A friend says, Oh my God, I'm so fat and I'm disgusting. Whereas before I would have just been like, Oh, you're not fat. Don't, don't say that. You'll be enough. Or as now I'd be like, Mmm, that's not cool. And I'd say something and then that means that the next bad point is I have lost friends, family members and the boyfriend that I was with for six plus years our relationship ended. And a big part of that was because I had higher confidence. I couldn't accept the way things were any more and he was not able to change. And a lot of friends couldn't jive with the new version of Victoria that was more confident in the would say, Hey, that's not cool. You know, that's racist. That's sexist, that's fatphobic.

And so a lot of my friends from my childhood, a lot of the friends I made during my younger working years when I was working at a bar and I was working at a call center, a lot of those friends I would have, you know, long-term I would have had like lifelong relationships with a lot of those people. But I have changed so much that for most of them it's not possible for me to have a relationship with them, which is sad because I love them. I had so much fun with them. I was just literally on Facebook before recording this episode, looking at this group of friends I had when I was, when I left the UK friends from working when I was in a working in a call center and we'd go out every weekend and we'd get drunk and eat kebabs and you know, laugh and cry together and help each other and all this stuff.

And now, like one of them, one of them on Facebook was kept posting racist memes, like saying, don't come to England and things like that. And I'd be like, dude what? And so she was like, fuck you. And like blocked me and stuff. And yeah. And then when Brexit happened, the Brexit happened before Trump was voted in. And I said, I may just stay saying I'm embarrassed that Britain did. That just shows how racist a lot of people in the UK as racist, as a Trump led America thinking Trump would never be president. And yeah, and then a friend would be like, I'm not racist. I just hate immigrants. People who are not. Why? And I was like, dude, that's racist. And yeah. Anyway, imagine if I went out and I out with them now, not all of them obviously, but safe. You know, not all of them are racist, but one them on a night out now. And they were saying these types of things, like within five minutes I'd be like, ah, don't want to hang out with you anymore. So it's sad because I wish I could go back to my hometown and have, you know, a massive group of friends, like what I used to have that I would have loads of fun with. And it's just not a possibility if I, unless I bend on my morals and trying to be a better person. Right. yeah. And so the same with the same with the boyfriend. Not that the boy, the ex-boyfriend was racist or whatever, but it was a small, subtle shift that happened. And so I was with him for six years. We went ring shopping, we talked about having kids and getting married, all that type of stuff.

And he just couldn't get behind the idea of the science around about, around weight loss and all that type of stuff. And he couldn't, he couldn't take that next step in evolution that I was taking. And so the next point is it can be lonely. So now I've lost all my friends, which is not true, but no friends, no boyfriend, no family. Everyone hates me. Not true, but you know, sometimes that's how it can feel in real life or real life in day to day life when I'm around meeting people, I have not met a single fat positive person in the wild, like out in the street. You know, it's been very hard, you know, for someone to be like, Oh yeah, I'm like, you know, fat poster person. Yeah. You fat or anything like that. I have had to go seek them out. And so I mentioned Summer Innanen, one of my friends. So Summer, years ago I sent her an email being like, Hey, we live in Vancouver, will you be my friend? And we went out and had dinner, laughed low, just spoke about penises, did some high cakes, literally and became friends. And same with Louise Green who was on the episode before, literally was like, Hey, let's be friends. I have emailed so many people being like, Hey, let's go and grab a coffee. Like you seem cool. I've had to actually build relationships that would not have been built unless I went out and found these people. And a lot of people as well, they're not in Vancouver because I think, you know, rare for people to be fat positive and anti-diet. And so you know, a lot of my relationships are over the internet as well, which is, you know, obviously it's nice to be able to spend time with people face to face, but you know, that's the way it is.

And finally the bad is that you can get angry with the world and with individual people. And so when you see people who are behaving in ways that you've decided that I have decided is not in their best interest, you know, dating loser boyfriends or you know, not standing up to people when they're horrible to them and you know, all the things that you now do as a more confident person, it can be really frustrating because you just want to shake them and say, you deserve better. Why can't you see that? Why are you dating this loser guy? Why you hiding your body? Like it can get frustrating. And that's a momentary emotion because then you get into like, okay, well that was me a few years ago and I totally understand why they are like that. But you, you get, you see the people around you not demanding what they are worth and because you love and care for them, you want them to just do exactly what you've decided is best.

This is something that I struggle with is wanting to tell people to, you know, dump that boyfriend or whatever. It's not my place to do that. And you know, wanting what's best for other people. Now that you're more able to see what is possible for them. When you get to a place where you feel more confident, you know what is possible for other people, you know because you've been on that journey of being in that same place of not feeling like you're worth more, not feeling like, you should show your body, not, you know, doing the things that will make you happy and you know, what is on the other side. And so sometimes you can get angry and frustrated, but also there's the other side of deep compassion and understanding of where people are at and the reasons why they're at, where they're at and not being able to change for many different reasons. And, you know, it's complicated. It's complicated, right? And so, you know, although I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everyone feel confident, it's just, it's not life, right?

So the final one I want to end on is something beautiful, something beautiful about feeling more confident. If you work on your confidence, if you say no to diets, if you say yes to fat positivity, you will change the world. So you are able to break the cycle of body shame and dieting in your family, in your community. You are the brave pioneer that standing up to oppression. And when you make a difference like that, then you affect those around you. It's like the virus. It's like the virus. You will have an impact on those around you and they will have an impact on them. It spreads like the virus. I wish that there was some statistic to say for every confident person they positively impact 1.2 people or whatever it is.

And then see how about one person's action to say, no, I am worth more and no, I am not going to accept shit and no, I'm not gonna fucking diet for the rest of my life and make myself small. How that ripple effect is hundreds, thousands of people being a role model. And you don't have to be, when I say being a role model, do you use, not like you have to stand on a stage and talk, but it's those small moments like when you were at work and someone says, Oh I need to eat a salad cause I had some cake yesterday. And you say, well, you know, I don't believe in that. I believe that you can have salad and cake and all of the foods that you want. That is being a role model for those around you. And think about if you have children or any children in your life or children in the people around you's life, you might not even know the people around you that you were affecting, right? So your sister could be saying to her, work for and do, I heard this thing from my sister. And that work friend could be then saying, do you know what? I fucking had enough of dieting. I've had enough of hating my body and then affect their children. And then in the future, their children are not then dieting and hating their bodies. And it's just an exponential positivity. When one person decides, no, I've had enough of this bullshit. I'm not dieting. I'm not hating my body anymore. Life is too short. And you change the world as an individual. You change the world and it is beautiful. It is incredible. And of course not everyone that you come in contact with is going to be like, yo my God, I'm going to change my life too and fuck diets and fuck the patriarchy and stuff.

But you are going to influence people when you are passionate about something, when you make a change and people can see, even if you're not even talking to people, like people who are on my Facebook and I posted on my Facebook so infrequently on my personal page. My business Facebook, I post often but my people who are my friends from school will message me out of the blue and I'll be like, who is this? You know, we added friends in like 2009 or something. And, they'll say something like, wow, seeing you do this, and seeing you becoming body-positive and all that type of stuff has affected me positively. I'm like, wow, that's, wow, that's really interesting. And maybe I've, you know, not even shared that many posts or maybe there's, I shared one post and then they followed me on Instagram and dah, dah, dah, dah.

And so don't forget the power that you have if you decide enough is enough. And you break that cycle of shame. And don't forget the power if you don't write the, and we've all seen it. We've all seen generations, you know, of fatphobia being been passed down, you know, generation after generation. Because no one above us, no other family member said, fuck that shit on putting the end to it. And I'm changing our family's legacy. I'm changing the world. I'm changing this community with my one act of bravery. So yes, that's the good, the bad, the weird and landed on the be yellow fall for you.

So, Hey, I want to share a little something along the way. I'm used to working from home, right. And so if you are working from home something that I like to put on in the background is something called Low Fi Hip Hop and it's something, it's on YouTube live and it's just like really nice relaxing hip hop beats and you can listen to it 24 hours a day. I really like it. And so if you're working from home and you need, I don't know, some type of noise distraction or if the kids are like going mad and screaming and you need to drown them out, but you don't want to have like some really loud music then go check it out. I'm going to put a link for that and a link of me being attractive at the poor thing in the show notes to get the show notes, you can find it, like wherever you're listening, if you just scroll down, but if you just want to go to it now, it's fiercefatty.com/025, because we're episode 25.

And another thing to keep you entertained if you're at home is something I watched on Netflix was Unorthodox and it's about Debra Feldman, her true story about how she left her acidic Jewish community in New York, in Brooklyn. And how she escaped from an oppressive situation. And then it was so good. So it was a full pipe thing is so good. Debra Feldman wrote the book in 2012 and then they've made this Netflix series out of it. But I went and found the book and you can read the book for free if you go to Scribed. So C R I B D, Scribed because of COVIS 19, they're doing 30 days free and you can get an unlimited amount of audiobooks, articles books that you read on your phone. All sorts of different things. It doesn't have the most comprehensive selection, but I've been able to find maybe 50% of everything I'd want to read or listen to. And so I've been busting out reading and listening to books because it's free. So I will link to that Scribed as well in the book so that if you want to go and read the book. Yeah, it was good. It was good. It was good. And really it was made me want to learn more about Hasidic Jews and she's from the satsuma community and how like, I've seen like documentaries about the Hasidic Jew community before. And it's just so different from look. So I was brought up Catholic and obviously there's a lot of shame and guilt in, that's the big thing that I took from Catholicism is you have to behave in a certain way and, and if you don't, then you're bad and you're going to go to hell and things like that. And that oppression that weight on top of me just from a mild form of Catholicism and was a lot, and hearing all of the rules that this particular community has, you know, you're not allowed to use the internet and you're not allowed to read secular books and even books like kids' books, if there's any girl illustrations in there, they black out the girl's faces. And you know, you're not allowed to do this on a Sunday and you know, all of these different rules that must be difficult to live under if you're not into that. And obviously a lot of people enjoy that and that's good for them. But Debra Feldman didn't, and she escaped.

And so anyway, that's what that's about. I'll link to it if you want to go and check them out. Yeah. But thank you for hanging out with me today. A reminder to write a review for the podcast before you submit it, take a screenshot and then send it to me. And I will then send you a copy of, an audio copy of my book Fierce Fatty and digital copy too. So you can either listen to it or read it digitally. No questions are asked. So yeah, do that. Email me victoria@fiercefatty.com. Go to the show notes. You could submit a question that you might want me to answer on the show and the show notes. There's a little link there to say ask a question, do that as well, and just have an amazing fatty rest of your day, and I'll see you in the next episode. Okay, bye.