Episode 108 Transcript

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Welcome to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm your host, Victoria Welsby and this is episode 108. Today, we're talking about death to diet.

I'm Victoria Welsby TEDx speaker, Best Selling Author and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self esteem to being a courageous and confident fifth party who loves every inch of this jelly. society teaches us living in a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed? Or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century? So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the first fatty podcast Let's begin.

1:14

Hello, fatty how the devil are you? Hope you well have you have an amazing time. hope everything's great. So I just recorded a show with some internet who is my friend called death to diet. And I don't want you to miss out on it. If you weren't able to show up live, we're streaming on this new app called fireside which is it's why being any studio live a live audience studio kind of thing. It's hard to describe, they need to get like a one sentence like pitch for it because I don't know how to describe it. But we watch live and then you can applause you can join us on stage if you want to. All that type of stuff. And it was it was great. Like we were chatting for 45 minutes and we could have gone a lot longer. But some are very rudely gave birth to a child.

And now has has to pick up the child from daycare. I can't believe it's so rude. So she had to go and pick up a child but but but but we still had a really good chinwag listening to friends. Just yeah, like what we do, we go to lunch and we talked about this shit. So we thought we'd bring it to bring it to you. So the the next episodes, I'm also going to make sure that you find them on the podcast. So other episodes that we're going to be doing are kind of dishing dishing the dirt, dishing the dirt on various things.

But this episode, even though when you get this episode is episode of fit, the first podcast is going to be past the holidays. This stuff is relevant 365 Or for how many days there were a year 350 Let's just go round and round it up. This stuff is important all of the days of yours, okay, and I'm going to be sharing a the jab technique. I'm going to be sharing the Remove reduced protect formula. We have two questions that we're answering from listeners. Our our clients or followers have sent in questions beforehand. And yes, so let's let's go to the conversation and have the best time listening Okay. All right, here we go. Yeah, so death diet is summer and I have friends in in Vancouver here. And we have the same views on dieting and fat phobia. And so death to die it is a we're starting off as a sick six part series, a limited series streaming here on fireside which is the new newfangled Django lab where all the young people are coming. And what we want to do is talk about the ridiculous diet stuff and fat phobia that we see in the world and because it is the end of the year. I know this is the same for you summer. We have a lot of clients who were saying, oh my gosh, how do I deal with people over here? Humans, other human beings who are talking about diets who are being fat phobic, and all that type of stuff.

And so our episode today is we are sharing tips on setting boundaries and how to respond to diet talk during the holiday season. So that's what we're talking about today. But it is a quick overview of our stance on on diets like because it's called death to diet. So are you are you ready to talk about about that summer?

5:29

Yeah, you know what the simulcasting is just not for some reason. It's not working for me. So I'm not going to just fiddle with it the whole time. But hopefully it worked out for you.

5:37

Yeah, I think yeah. Me. Summer. Do we hate people who go on diets? No, no, thank you. No, just some people,

5:50

but we hate them for other reasons. No, no, no, because this is the thing is, is that like we've, we've literally been conditioned to, to dye it like from the moment we're kind of born into this world where we're sort of given this like life purpose of, you know, you should be thinner. And you should always be like pursuing, you know, behaviors that are going to make you thinner, aka dieting. And so like it's really if someone's a diet or that's to me, it's just an innocent response to living in the culture that we live in the the fat phobic culture that that we live in. So no, this is never anything we ever talked about here is never to like shame any individual for participating in diet culture. It's really like the the industry and the the system of dieting and the culture of dieting, and the fact that it upholds fat phobia, weight stigma, that's really what we're, you know what we're talking about, and what we're what we're against.

6:49

Mm hmm. Yes. And on the other side of things is where diet cultures and diet come from? You mentioned it before fat phobia, we both have the belief that fat people like me, are really fucking cool and deserve the same access rights and acceptance as straight sighs votes. And a quick note on language is we use the word fat as a neutral descriptor of people who are in bigger bodies, because we think there's nothing wrong with being fat. And for those who are not in bigger bodies, we would use a word straight size. So a little bit of language there if you're not familiar with that. Yeah, exactly. So

7:26

I would be straight sized. And you would be fat. And that's something that you self identify as. So I would never go up to someone on the street and call them that unless they had told me that they self identify that way. Yeah,

7:38

can you imagine? Okay, fine. I'm saying it in a good way. No. Yeah. So about us. I, a fat activist, I teach people how to understand weight stigma, aka fat phobia, and how to love and accept their bodies. I have a TEDx talk, bestselling book. I'm super good looking and FXI. And very humble. So that's a little bit about me. Tell us somewhere a little bit about you.

8:16

Yeah, so I've been doing this work for like eight years, which is a little scary. But, you know, I am a professionally trained life coach, but I specialize in specifically helping people around body image and self worth and confidence. And I host a podcast called Eat the rules. And I also have a best selling book. And I'm also really gorgeous. And so that's why that's why we're friends. Really? Yeah.

8:43

We have to be like, super sexually attractive. That's where I you know, my, like, oh, they serve a sexually attractive because that's, that's the only reason that I want to be friends and be seen in public. Right? Yeah, exactly. And that's how we actually met is I saw you, I can't believe eight years because I've been doing my thing for seven years. And I feel like you've been doing it for like, a zillion years longer than I have. But

9:07

anyway, I was doing I was like toeing the line for a while before that and I think I think it was like, I've been doing like 100% body image for eight years, but prior to that I was doing some like helping people heal their relationship with food and stuff.

9:22

Okay, okay, I get it. I get it. I get it. And that's how we met because I was like creeping you online and I saw your website and I was like I'm I reached out to you expecting you to be like, go away. I'm not interested. And I said, Oh, can I Can We Be Friends and let's go for dinner. And you said all right. Yeah, no, no,

9:42

no date. Didn't we go see Lindy West was that the first date? was the first

9:47

time yeah, what an amazing first day we went to eat food and then when and then we sought Lindy West. Yeah, yeah. I mean, amazing. Good. And

9:58

I think I feel as though In the first minute, you made some sort of dick joke, and I was like, okay, like, this girl's really cool. I feel like we'll be friends. Oh, sorry. Not at the time that you identified us at the time. I

10:10

wasn't going Oh, yeah. So and now you're like this human is really cool. Oh my sorry about us. But um, let's give a boring fact because you know, obviously we just sound so good. We need to bring it down a little bit and give us given boring fact about you summer.

10:30

Well, I saw what yours was. And then I, I basically copied you so I my boring fact is that I need in order to fall asleep at night I need a body pillow, a fan, a white noise machine, an eye mask, and a like a pitch black room. And if I don't have those things, I won't be able to fall asleep. So when I travel, I have to travel with all of those things or know that they're available to me on the other end. I know

10:57

what is a full body pillow? It's like is it like a big teddy bear that you hug?

11:01

It's it's a pillow? That's the length of of my body? It's probably about four and a half feet long. And you hug it? Yes, yeah, if I don't I get really bad, like cramps in my hips and my back and stuff. So it's sort of like, keeps my I'm a side sleeper. So it keeps my spine in alignment. Oh, and it when I was a child like I started sleeping with a large, stuffed animal, which then became like a butthead pillow. So I was really into Beavis and Butthead when I was like 12 or 13. And so I ended up like acquiring this big like, butthead pillow. This is so weird. I used to travel with it everywhere. I used to like take it on airplanes. Up until I was like 18 or 19. Um, and and then finally, when I matured a bit I upgraded to an actual body pillow instead of using flathead.

11:54

There we go. I think you should have been butthead back.

11:58

Probably got some diseases on it. What about you? What's your boring fact?

12:04

My boy. In fact, my boring fact is I sleep on the left side of the bed and do go my dog sleeps on the right side of the bed. And I don't think I could fall asleep and how it having to go there because I give him a little cuddle. And if I ever get a romantic partner I don't know what the fuck is going to happen because Google will be like, get the fuck out of here. So that is my boring fact. Very important to know what side of the bed we sleep on. But you know, I'm not as I'm not as a you know, I don't have as much requirements, but I'm liking this. Body Pillow thing is as fun. I can maybe pretend that I've got a boyfriend.

12:36

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah, and like it's you get to control everything so they can't they can make you feel that.

12:43

This is what's happened is you 100% humped you're What is it butthead butthead thing when you? Yeah, 100% Yeah. Yeah,

12:58

it's not actually true, but it's not true. You didn't do though. No, no, no,

13:04

no. Okay. You were like me? Cuz I was humping fucking everything.

13:08

Oh, no, no, it wasn't really. Definitely a little bit of projecting there.

13:19

Yeah. Anyway, shall we get into the meat and potatoes of the show today, which is talking about interview holiday stuff. But listen, even no matter when you listen to this, if you're tuning in, right today, or any other day of the year, this stuff is relevant 365 days, a year's days a year because we have to deal with this bullshit all the time.

13:43

Yeah, yeah. I also just want to say before if people are listening to this in if the people who are actually here. You can there's a little like, you'll see a little tab in the bottom right that says react. So you you if you touch that, and then it allows you to send a reaction, like if you send in an applause or any other kind of reaction. You just you can do that. If you Yes, yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you, John. And, and then if they want to speak, I don't know what they do.

14:18

Well, I will there's a little button in the right left hand corner with the dashes that probably says something like,

14:25

bottom left probably says like, age or something. Yeah. Okay. Anyways, that's the user overview. So okay, do you want to get into it? Do you want to give the question that I got? And

14:41

so someone wrote in, given having a question, given a question asking a question. I was like, what is that word? Asking a question. They said, I've been on my Intuitive Eating journey for over a year now. And my relationship with food is so much better. My mom has always been a chronic diet. And recently she's been doing keto. I really want her to understand my journey, and what the know what Intuitive Eating is about. But she doesn't seem interested. How can I get her to understand? Also, I'm worried about her diet talk over the holidays. So someone what? How would you answer that question?

15:22

Yeah. Okay. So I, I mean, I relate to this a lot personally, and I think that a lot of other people do, I feel like dieting is generally passed down from generation to generation, like the majority of people that I worked with, learned it from one parental figure most often their mother. And a lot of the people I work with that mother's still dieting at, like 70 or 80 years old, or however old they are, right, because it's a lifetime membership. And so I think that, like, we've kind of opened ourselves up to this new world, we've discovered this new way of being and we're like, like, it's so much better to not diet, you know, like, I just can eat the things I want to eat. And it's there's no guilt or shame. And we want to tell people about it. We want other people to to, you know, feel this way too. But not everybody's there. And I think that sometimes when it comes to stuff like this, we can't push our beliefs on anyone else unless they're ready and wanting to learn.

And so I think as it relates to your mom, I would say, maybe have a conversation about, you know, this is what I'm doing. It's really working for me. Do you want to learn more? Like, are you interested in learning more? And if the answer is yes, then like, what, what might be the most helpful for you like a book or a podcast or an article, like something that takes two minutes to read or something that's going to take you you know, two weeks, because it's a pretty in depth book. So that's like the best case scenario. I wouldn't expect that though, I think that if they're not open, if they're not willing, because it sounds like your mom's really entrenched in her way of thinking, which again, is not her fault, like, just innocent response to sort of the, you know, the cultural demands that are put on us, I think that there might be a bit of, you know, even letting go on your part, like having to let go of this idea that you can change her mind, or having to let go of this idea that like, you know, she's gonna totally support you, which can suck, you know, I think, but letting go of this idea that we can change people can also be really healing because it can help us just focus on our own process and our own journey.

And one of the ways I like to really position this is to just know that we all have different value systems, like we all hold different values. And so instead of thinking, like, you know, my mom doesn't get me or there's something wrong with me, try to reframe it in your mind, as we have different value sets, like my mom values, something different than me at this point in time, because values are the things we value can always change. And I think that if you can frame it up that way to yourself, it helps a little, it makes it a little bit easier to to honor each other. And I'm not saying you have to support her, I probably wouldn't support her, I would just be like you, do you whatever makes you happy mom. But I think that if you can position it as like, we hold different values, it makes that letting go process easier.

And then as it relates to the diet talk, I think that when that type of stuff, it depends on your comfort level, you know, are you comfortable saying something in advance, because that's kind of the ideal situation is to have a conversation with your mom, or send an email in advance and say, I'm on this journey, something really kind like, I'm on this. I'm on this journey. Now. You know, I'm really focusing on myself and my health, and I'm not focused on on weight loss or diet anymore, because I found that to be really damaging to my overall well being. Would you be willing to support me in this journey? And if they say yes, then say, this, I would love it. If when we're together, we don't talk about dieting or bodies or food. And that's kind of like the ideal situation, right? But not everyone's going to get buy into that.

And I think it depends on your comfort level. Like are you comfortable? Having that type of conversation? Are you comfortable? Like opening yourself up? And I think something to take away there is to make it about you and how they can support you versus like you're doing something wrong by dieting, because that's never going to be helpful. Rather, it's just like, you know, you're my mom, you hopefully want to support me. Here's something that I love you to do in order to do that. And so that's that's kind of like the best case scenario. And then there's always the worst case scenario, which is they don't do that. And then you have to think about what how am I going to respond in the moment? You know, am I going to change the subject? Am I going to hold the boundary firm? Am I going to leave the room? And that's completely dependent on the individual situation and what you feel comfortable with? And I think, Victoria, you're probably going to speak a little bit more about that when you talk about your technique later.

20:21

Yeah. And what I wanted to say about what you were saying is major, like, oh, my gosh, when I first discovered health, every size and intuitive eating, it was like, I'd seen the light. And I just knew, quote, unquote, knew everyone was desperate to hear this information. And I presumed that I could just walk up to anyone and be like, did you know you can be fat and healthy? Did you know that diets don't work and that everyone would be like, Oh, my God, thank you, Victoria, for sharing this information. Now, I'm going to never die again. And that didn't happen. I was like preaching to everyone saying, Oh, my God, this is gonna change your life, you know, you're never going to want to die again. And you're going to realize that your body is cool.

And I soon learned that people were not at the same place. And it's kind of like a unique set set of circumstances that mean that you're able to hear that information and internalize it and make changes in your life. And if I had heard that information, maybe a year earlier, I might have been like, What the fuck is this bullshit? Of course, you can't be fat and healthy. And, yeah, and so although I would love to force everyone just to believe the same things that I believe and have the same morals and values as I do. I can't I can't make it happen. No matter how much I try somewhere. It's very rude of people to not just listen to me and conform to the way that I want them to be. Yeah, yeah. Well, I

21:49

think like, especially when it's like your, you know, your family member, you sort of internalize it is like, it's hard to let that go. Like, it's hard to like, realize that maybe you won't get that buy in and support that you would really love from, you know, the parental figure in your life. And you know, I don't know if there can be like sadness about it. At the same time. I think when you surrender, that, it makes it a lot easier to just be able to go through and have empathy for them and be like, Okay, well, I'm on my own path. And I'm doing this for me, and this is the best thing for me.

22:23

Yeah, and that's a big thing is, a lot of times I see people saying, Before, when I was dieting, I was such a I'm so stupid. I was such an idiot. I, you know, all I ever spoke about was diets and lalala. And I'm like, oh, no, have some empathy for yourself. Because you are cause you are dieting, because Hello, it'd be weird if you weren't a diet in this world. And then you know exactly what you said, extending that to, you know, your mom or whoever, but also, knowing that it's really fucked up that this is happening, you know, it's not okay.

22:58

Yeah, yeah. And, like, I mean, I run into similar situation, you know, and I mean, I've written a book on this, and my mom still has her own way of thinking about things. And I've just had to accept that that's the way it is. And like, she's probably gonna go to her grave, feeling the way she feels, and wow, what can I What can I do? You know, and I think all I can do is like, try to support her. Like, if she makes a comment about her own body, all I can do is say something like, I love you, no matter how you look, mom, like, I think you're beautiful, whatever size you are, and that's like, that's the only thing that like, that's the best, I've accepted that that's the best I can do. And I think that that gets through to her more being than being like, Mom, you know, diets don't work. Like, you know, all this other stuff. That's just not gonna register.

23:50

Yeah. Whereas with my mum, my mum was very, you know, say saying, but she is now totally on board with everything. And I think it was just over the years seeing how this stuff affected me positively. That she's just being like, oh my god of Yes. And it's so cool to see because I never I was kind of, you know, assumed that that wouldn't happen. And I probably was all like, Mom, don't say that and blue at the beginning and but eventually she just kind of got it and that so I'm lucky.

24:27

Yeah. Yeah, that is good. That is lucky. Do you want me to read the question that you

24:32

got? Yes. Please read my question offline. Okay,

24:36

so the question is, I have put on weight since the pandemic and this year will be my first time I am seeing people for two years since I've seen people in two years over the holidays. To say my family are into dieting and working out is an understatement. So I know I'm going to get judgmental looks. My mom also likes to make little comments and if I say anything, she complains I am too sensitive. What should I do?

25:00

Oh my gosh, yes, I just, I wish that we could see like audience faces. If you can give a reaction or clap or whatever, if you too are feeling nervous about seeing people post pandemic, because your body might have changed. Because I Yeah, yeah, I think that even if you haven't body hasn't changed. Seeing people again, is really difficult. It's just it's like, it's almost like we've got used to not seeing people virtually and all that type of stuff. And so I think that you're, you're not alone in this. And if we were in a room of humans, everyone would would be saying, Yes, me too. I'm nervous about seeing people, I've been a little bit stressed. And if your body has changed, I mean, it's just entrenched in our, in our culture to see someone and be making judgments about how they look like in my family. I think it's just an Irish thing. But whenever I see my aunts, or I have, like, 75,000 aunts, I have 65 cousins, and 414.

And so anyway, so there's lots of family. Yeah. You know, the Irish Catholics? I do. Yeah, so the thing that people say, it might just be an Irish turn of phrase, but when they see you, the very first thing is, you look well, and there is not even a you look thin, or you look, whatever, it's just you look well. And in that moment, it's kind of like a little, a little, a little, like, have you judge the way that I look? And they might not have, they might have you know, they they have seen me. So yes, they've they've probably judged the way that I've looked. And in my life, I've gone from being a smaller size, still fat, but to being a larger fat person, and that having to go back to Ireland, to see family after I put on weight. It was, you know, I was like, Oh, I It's really difficult.

So, one, it's normal to feel like this way, especially during the pandemic. And to you're not alone. And when your mom says, You're being sensitive, my opinion is that you're not you're not overreacting or being too sensitive or demanding. It's a very reasonable request to not have to experience bigotry around your body. Like, you're not asking for too much there. If your mom is kind of like making those, those underhand comments. Did you ever have to deal with underhand comments summer? Yeah,

27:52

Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

27:55

I did. I never did. Well. You don't want to actually thinking like, Wow, no, I did. I don't

28:05

know if they were underhand. They were more direct, like, yeah. They're more like, you know, bully type comments, but, but also just Yeah, I mean, that could be a whole other show. So yeah, 10 of family secrets, but

28:28

I have a kind of method of dealing with fat phobia, a formula formula, and the three worst three words that I remember. And the first one is to remove, the second one is to reduce and the third word is to protect. And so can you remove the source of this issue, the source of fatphobia. And so say, if the source of your fat phobic thoughts coming up was a TV show, you can remove that from your life by not watching it. If it's a person, you can end the relationship. Or another way to remove is to set a boundary. And so that's kind of like the gold standard. If you can't do that, for there's many different reasons why we can't do that. And we'll talk about this in just a moment. The next thing that you can do is reduce, and so reduce the amount of exposure to that person to that situation.

And so, if you are going to spend time with your family, can you instead of spending two weeks there, can you spend one week in six days, you know, or one week or just a few days or just a few hours? Can you if that's not a possibility? Can you sit further away from them at the dinner table? So you can't quite hear all of the diet talk coming your way. So what ways can you reduce your exposure to that? fatphobia and finally, if you can't reduce because sometimes that's not possible either. What can you do to protect yourself so protecting your mental health and so that's gonna look like a lot of self care, you know, maybe listening to either our podcasts on the way to your drive into your family's house being like, Yes, I'm a badass, and no, I don't deserve this bullshit, or listening to a podcast while you're at dinner or shooting our band. It's cool to be fair, whatever it is, you need to do to protect your mental health. So gold standard is remove next reduce. And third is to protect and I would do exactly what what you said summer is, what can we do beforehand? Can we send a message to to your mom and say, Listen, this is what I'm doing. My script is so similar to yours. And mine is, I'm wondering if you can help me with something just going in on one thing. And that same as your approach which is not about you. It's not that you're a raging bigot and fat phobia, and diet culture nightmare, which maybe they are, but it's about me and my journey to love and accept myself and my journey to unlearn fat phobia and die culture. And I've noticed that something that's triggering is when people talk about food or bodies, or you know exactly what you said to them. Can we avoid that while I'm around? Who knows what they're gonna say.

But by the way, every single time I've set a boundary, apart from one time the person has said, yeah, cool, of course. Apart from one, is that the same with you? Summer? Have you had good experiences with setting boundaries?

31:35

I've seen it. I mean, for me, yeah, it's been, it's been fine. I think sometimes you have to kind of, like, reinforce it, because people are like, Oh, I'm not supposed to talk about that. Or, you know what I mean? And then you have to be like, no, really like. Um, but, and I've with clients, I've seen it kind of go either way. So I think it really depends, like I've seen for some people, it's been, like, really successful, and for others, like they've had to really kind of distance themselves from certain people in their life, because they just haven't honored that boundary. And that's really hard. And yet, that's probably the best thing for their mental health.

32:10

Mm hmm. It is so hot. Oh my god, this this stuff is so fucking hard. Why do we have to try and be an emotion emotionally intelligent human beings? Why do we have to like communicate and shit like that? Why can't we other people just read our brains? You know, read our minds know what we're thinking and just not be dicks, you know? Yeah. But I wanted to share a the first fatty jab technique. So we all know the steps on how to set a boundary and maintain that boundary. Would you like to hear that summer?

32:45

I word I've been waiting for it. Okay, so

32:49

the jab technique, another act well, not another acronym. I love a bit of an I Love My acronyms, but I didn't just give you one. I have lots of other ones. But anyway, this is the job technique. So the first the I'm just gonna say tell you what the what the words are. So J, judge a action b brace and B bottom line. So we've got a double bay there. So first off, judge so we're going to judge the situation we're going to assess, to see if it's safe to set a boundary because often, there can be situations where it's not safe to set a boundary where it maybe it's not appropriate to set a boundary for many different reasons. So for example, you've got a complete Belen boss, who is really cruel and mean and whatever, it might not be in your best interest to, you know, kick down their door and be like, listen up here, motherfucker, this is the way it's gonna go. Because, you know, they are not safe, you might get fired, that there's a there's a power imbalance there. Can you think of any other times where there might be a power difference? Some of the I think,

34:02

I think it's like, comfort to like, is it like, Is this someone that like, do you feel I like to kind of differentiate between like, is this outside of your comfort zone? Or is this unsafe? Because if it's like unsafe, then don't do it, you know? Whereas like, obviously, setting boundaries is always going to be outside of your comfort zone. So I think it I think you also have to understand the balance in terms of like, is it worth, because there's always discomfort? Is that discomfort worth it in this particular moment? Or is it better for me to just like, put on my metaphorical earplugs and leave the room? You know what I mean? So I think it's like it to sort of just like tag along with with what you're Yeah,

34:41

yeah, exactly. Exactly. And I've got a real life example of, of that. One time I was at this party Christmas party, and this girl we were playing this card game cards against humanity. Remember that? Yes. If you So we're playing cards against humanity and this girl there, one of the cards said, bitch slap, and I said, bitch, slap me. And she jumped out of a chair straddled me and slapped me across the face. I was like, What the fuck? And I said, Do not ever touch me again. I left the party and everyone was like, what is that person doing?

And anyway, I left the party, everyone was like, Oh, God, Victoria, you handled that really well. A couple of weeks later, I saw them her and her partner and I was with my partner, we bumped into them on the street, and we there was no kind of escaping, like, they were right there. And she pretended nothing happened. And we were just like, Haha, see you later. And as we were walking away, she turned around and slapped my button. And we weren't like we I didn't know the girl. Like, she was a friend or anything. It was just someone at a party. And then she did the same thing again, as I mean, that moment, I kind of I remember being like, shall I be like, remember here? Listen, I told you don't ever, you know, put your hands on me ever again? Or shall I just keep walking? And I decided in that moment, it was best for my mental health. Just Just keep walking. Yeah. And so you know, in the first instance, I did set a boundary and have a natural reaction of you know, someone hits you in the face. But then the second time, it wasn't worth my while, or it wouldn't have helped me in any way. Because I wasn't going to have a relationship with this person anyway.

36:36

Yeah. Oh, my God, what?

36:43

Is happening in this world? Yes. So that's the first step is judged. And then the next step is action. And so you go, I have to set the boundary. And so there's many different ways to set a boundary. It could be a face to face, it could be over a text, it could be, you know, sending a pigeon, whatever. But actually setting the boundary. What other ways would you have you heard about people setting boundaries, apart from saying, Hey, can you help me with something? Are there any other ways,

37:16

I think sometimes having like an ally there too, like if it's like, you know, like, if it's like a co worker, or you know, like another family member or your partner to like help reaffirm it or be the the communicator, like be the one to say it, you know, that's all that could that could also be be helpful in, in that circumstance. I think like one of the helpful reframes, I found find around this, too, is just like boundaries are. And this was something I learned from another coach named Victoria Albina. But she, she was like, boundaries are really a gift to the other person. Because you're saying like, this is, this is, you know, what I need from you. Or this is like, you know, and I see that, like, it's like, if you like, if I misgendered, you, I would want you to be like, hey, Summer, like, don't you know, can you not do that? Because then I would be like, oh, yeah, sorry, like, Thank you for telling me. Do you know what I mean? And so I think it's like that, like, I think if we can reframe it as like, it's actually a gift to the other person instead of like, I don't want to hurt their feelings, you know?

38:22

Yeah. And that's the actually when I when I was on Christy Harrison's podcast. That was the one line that she pulled out from what I said that boundaries are a gift, because they are such a gift. And I used to be such a bad friend, because I'd have friends that would do shit to do shit. And I would be so annoyed. But this this stuff that they doing, I would never mention it to them. And then behind their back, I'm like, oh, did you go and so did lose. And people would say, Oh, how about telling them like, never gonna do that? You know? What's wrong with you? Why do you think I would communicate with them? And it made it so people could never get close to me? Because if they pissed me off, I just be tight lipped to be like, everything's fine. It's don't worry about it. Because I was so terrified that they would have a negative reaction that they would be like, fully at the table and be like, How dare you ask me to take my shoes off in your house? You're so unreasonable. You know,

39:22

I've got a good one. I just put this example. I know we have to like, like, get a hurry this long. But real quick, when I used to work in a corporate job, the guy there was this guy in the cubicle next to me. Used to just burp like he would take he would take these like really loud steps you'd like and then like, all day, I would just sit there like just, like ready to explode like fuming at this. But we were not in the same department at all. I did not even know this person's name. They were like a temp worker that had kind of been placed on the other side of my cubicle. So I went to my boss like you need to do something about this. And then he had to go to the other guy's boss and the boss came and like, how to talk with him. And I can hear it because I was on the other side of the cubicle.

40:12

Oh my gosh, but then he stopped. Oh, it was miracle amazing. I'm so would you have done that differently now?

40:26

I don't know. I'm tend to really be passive aggressive and like, not not a great way. I'm trying to work on that. Because I think I remember like kicking the cubicle every time you did it, or I would like, make some noise. Like it was very passive aggressive. So no, because I honestly because I think that I dynamic that I didn't know him and it was man and like, yeah, I felt it was better dealt with through third parties.

40:52

And that's perfect. Because that worked for you. He stopped burping. And that's the thing is sometimes the passive aggressive kicking the cubicle is probably like, what's wrong with this? Fuck another person kick in the cubicle everyday. You know? Yeah, well. Okay, so the next letter, so it's J a BB, so you're on the first B, which is brace, which is brace for them to forget about the boundary? For them to be like, oh, yeah, about this new diet where you put cucumbers up your bomb. They're probably gonna forget about this new boundary. And so we need to get ready to reinforce a boundary, that's where it gets really difficult is sometimes doing the first kind of hey, can you not that having to do it the second time, it can be really, really difficult. Our next B is bottom line. So once you've braced and reinforced that boundary, if they do it again, we need to decide what we want to do. So what is our bottom line? Is what how they're reacting. Okay with you? Are you going to change your boundary? Are you going to remove yourself from the situation? Lots of different things can happen from reinforcing the bottom line, what ways do you think that we could reinforce the bottom line?

42:13

I think like, let you know, limiting the amount of time that you spend with them or you saying like, Okay, well, you know, I'm thinking I'm thinking a lot of people have issues with like, their, you know, like their mother in laws and stuff like that. So if they have kids, and so you know, just saying like, hey, we'll come over just for an hour or, you know, we're only gonna see you once a week instead of, you know, three times a week. And that kind of thing. And I think the other thing that you can say sometimes that that helps really hit the point home is like, when you say x, like when you when you make comments about food or more my body, it makes me feel really ashamed. And I don't want like, I don't want you, I'm not going to accept that you're making me feel that way. You know, I think if you can, like, I sometimes I don't think people realize the emotional impact it has on you. So I think if you can articulate that in a way that says like, it makes me really ashamed, it makes me feel really ashamed or it makes me feel really humiliated or whatever the word is you want to use, then that might help actually drive home that point to the other person. That's kind of like the last ditch effort that I usually kind of give to people. Yeah, yeah. Having to you know, separate, like, Let's spend less time.

43:27

Yeah, yeah. Love it. That's really good. That word is so powerful, because most people if they're empathetic will be like, Oh, God, I know. Oh, I feel like sometimes

43:37

people don't realize they're like, oh, no, I'm just you know, it's just like, whatever. But if you you know, it's having a big I just realized from matching like, their shirts, I just realized

43:48

I'm hungry. What are you wearing green? Ellia No, no, we won't change your outfit into something green. Yeah.

43:58

Cool. All right. Yeah. We got to like wrap it up.

44:04

I know because you have to go and do stuff because you've got a fabulous life whereas I'm just gonna sit in my chair and cry.

44:12

Do you want to go pick up my son Do you want to do that and then all sudden?

44:19

Right, okay

44:26

yeah, so you can follow me at summer internet and across every platform if you can't spell that you can just go to the body image coach comm and that will take you to my website I have a free 10 Day body confidence makeover that you can download there. So if you just go to the body image coach comm you'll see it there on the on the homepage and my podcast is called Eat the rules. What about What about you, Victoria?

44:51

Well, people can follow me at fears fatty.com My podcast is fast fatty. My book is best fatty my socials fitness buddy, my nonexistent children In what is called physio once fatty, and you can get my body love roadmap, just go to the face it this first thing that's on their facebook.com. So thank you everybody for hanging out with us today for this experiment of using this new app. I hope you enjoyed our time together any final words Samina.

45:22

Thank you just thank you for being here. We'll be back in January with another episode where we've got some good stuff to rant about there.

45:30

We've got such good stuff around about like, Oh, unbelievable, anyway. Okay, well have a wonderful rest of your day everyone enjoy picking up your child summer.

45:43

It's actually sunny out so we get to long

45:46

fancy thanks for listening to the episode. If you feel ready to get serious about this work and want to know when the doors open to fears fattier Academy which is my signature program where I teach all about how to overcome your fat phobic beliefs and learn to love your fat body. Then go to phase fatty.com forward slash waitlist again, that is phase fatty.com. Forward slash waitlist to get your name on the waitlist. For when first party Academy my signature program opens