Children try to make sense of the world and to make sense of this situation I blamed myself.

I shouldn’t have been in my garden playing, I shouldn’t have been riding my bike in front of my house, I shouldn’t have been walking with a friend on the underpass.

I have repeatedly been told that “It will get easier” with looks of sympathy at spin class or to “Keep going, you’ll get there” after a barre session.

I’m fat and that doesn’t mean I haven’t seen the inside of a gym before. It doesn’t mean the only sweating I do is staring through window of a donut store. 

This week, I had the honor of being on Good Morning America as a featured panelist for a discussion about diets!

I remember screaming at my desk when I got the email confirming my appearance, and I nearly fainted when I found out I’d be sharing the stage with some of my favorite body positive influencers. I was asked to be on the show as the anti-diet voice in a discussion with Mara Schiavocampo about her best-selling diet book, THINspiration.

As human beings, our  bodies are always changing.  In fact, we have been constantly changing since the very first day we arrived here on earth.  Every part of our body has been evolving over time.  It’s a natural part of our human evolution and it’s our body’s way of adapting to our needs, our behaviors and the environment around us.  

Imagine if you just decided, against all societal odds and against everything that people say you should feel about your body, that you were comfortable and confident with how you looked and how you ate?

You just decided: I’m confident. I’m okay. I’m doing alright. I should be proud.

Your life would transform in an instant.

The truth is that health is not an obligation, barometer or worthiness, entirely within our control, or guaranteed under any circumstance. The truth is that we should all have the opportunity, but never an obligation, to participate in fitness/athletics/movement at any level we choose. The truth is that we don’t have to make our self-confidence,  our self-esteem, or our self-worth  contingent on our health, our participation in fitness, or anything else. The truth is that the trolls can (and will) yammer on, but we don’t have to care what they say. The truth I realized for me is that I am the only person who can decide how I feel about myself and my body. The truth is that  we are worthy, no matter what.

Aahhh, giving a fuck. It’s a life long battle about what things deserve your fuck giving and what things don’t.

The way I see it, society has asked us women to give a fuck about the wrong things in order to distract us from giving a fuck about the things that really matter. That shit makes me mad girl!

I’m talking about dieting, teaching negative body image, treating women’s bodies as commodities and objects.

For my 18th birthday my dad wrote me a letter. He told me that no matter where I go, what I do or who I become, the most important thing I could ever have is integrity. The strength to stand up for what I believe in, for what's right, even if there are a million other people standing up for what's wrong. Before body positivity, I didn't believe in very much (and I definitely didn't believe in myself), but these days I understand exactly what he meant.

Why are fat bodies hyper-sexualised and slut shamed so often? Is there no other way for a fat women to exist, aside from being the voluptuous siren? With numerous fashion outlets coming up with sporty, alternative fashion for the plus size community, and women showing up for hashtags like Alternative Curves there is a clear message: Like straight sized fashion, we embrace diversity in style and have unique fashion senses.

So, why is it so hard to be confident? 

The reason being confident is so hard is because we think confidence happens without fear and self-doubt. We expect our fear and self-doubt to go away in order to be confident when the opposite is actually true.

What does confidence look like through the camera lens?   

We know what we’re told confidence it’s ‘supposed’ to look like. We’re told it’s our goal, told what it looks like, what it wears, what it’s proportions are.

Or at least that’s what I thought. That’s what a lot of us think, even as we’re in the process of unlearning the expectations of what our body is ‘supposed to look like’. It felt like one of the remaining big expectations I had put on myself in my own body acceptance journey.

Confidence what is it, and how the hell do we get it?! It seems just about as confusing and elusive as the Loch Ness Monster. People debate if it is even a thing. Whereas some people seem to be born with confidence, many others spend their lives trying to grab just a glimmer of what it feels like.

In 2009 I had met the man I wanted to marry, the man I knew I was to have kids with and have the most incredible life with. That was until I discovered he had a secret life with 2 other girlfriends.

I recently posted an image of myself on Instagram and described myself as fat and beautiful. The first comment I got was from a Nutritional Therapist/Fitness Coach saying “You HAVE fat.... You are not fat. You also have fingernails. You are not fingernails.”

Hmmmm…..

Semantics you may say, she was trying to reassure me that I wasn’t ugly and not to use derogatory names like FAT to describe myself.

Writing this blog post I felt so embarrassed. So ashamed. I also felt scared.

I feel embarrassed because I am a strong confident woman and why would someone like that be with such a loser for 2 years of her life.

I feel ashamed as in some way, it feels like it was my fault, that I deserved it. I worry you will lose respect for me or see me as a victim.

I feel scared because even after 10+ years of being away from him I still suffer from PTSD and worry he will try and hurt me in any way he can.

I have never written about this time in my life because I was scared he would read my words and try to destroy me as punishment for speaking out.