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Setting Boundaries, Saying No and Not Being a People Pleaser

Hi, It's Victoria Welsby. In this video, we're talking about setting boundaries, saying no, and stopping from being a people pleaser.

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Hands up if you're a people pleaser. I used to be a people pleaser. Most of my life, I would let people walk all over me. I was a doormat. I wouldn't say a word about it, but behind their backs I would be seething and angry and being like, "I can't believe that that person did that to me." Therefore, I wasn't a good friend, because I didn't set any boundaries or tell people and show people how to treat me.

So if you would like to not be a doormat, not be a people pleaser, then there are a few things that you can do. And all of them are really fucking scary, I'm sorry to tell you. The reason that a lot of people are people pleasers, is because for me, I was lacking self esteem. And I thought that letting people use me in any way that they wanted, would make them like me. Because I thought that I was an unlikable and unlovable person, which wasn't true.

And people would have probably liked me and loved me more if I had told them what was acceptable and not acceptable to me. So an example is different families have different ideas about whether you should take your shoes off at the door. Right? Some families, they never do. And some families, it's absolutely outrageous to wear shoes in the house.

I grew up wearing shoes in the house. But as an adult I am now like, "I can't believe that we wore shoes in the house." As an adult, if people would come round to my house, I would never say to them, "Take your shoes off please." If the didn't just automatically do it. And then I would be like, "I can't believe they're wearing shoes." But I had never told them to take their shoes off, so they didn't know.

And it could be their family or the types of families that didn't take their shoes off. When I was younger, I would never take my shoes off. If someone would ask me, I'd be like, "Hmm, they're kind of prissy." I would be really seething, be like, "Oh my god, this is outrageous." Now, I tell people, "Hey, can you take your shoes off?" If they don't.

And so my mom is a prime example of non-shoe taker-offer person. Because that's the way that she does it, she doesn't take her shoes off, and that's okay. So that is a small example of standing up, and so that's an easy way to practice setting a boundary. And so you say something little that you can you use, Like. "Oh hey, can you like turn the music down a little bit. Or can you do this and can you do that?" To see how people react.

The thing is, when you start setting boundaries, I thought that people would be like, "Fuck you. How dare you ask me to do that? Or how dare you state what your preference is? I hate you." Do you know what happened when I asked people, started setting boundaries with people? They would just be like, "Okay." And I would be really surprised, ready for them to be like, "You're dead to me." But that didn't happen.

Not saying that that can't happen if someone is not emotionally intelligent, to be able to deal with someone's boundaries. You can set a boundary with someone, they can choose how they are going to react. If they respect your boundary, great. But a lot of times, people don't respect boundaries just because they're used to dealing with you in a certain way.

For example, if you say, "Hey, do you think you can stop talking about dieting or weight loss or being thin as a positive and fat as a negative?" They might be like, "Yeah, of course. No problem." And then a couple of days later, "Oh my god, have you seen this new diet? It's amazing, we just eat lettuce. Oh." And it's not necessarily that they are not respecting your boundary because they don't respect you, it could be that. But it could be that they just forgot.

When you're setting a boundary, you need to be able to remind them and be like, "Cool, yeah. Do you remember we spoke about yesterday about not talking about diets?" Hopefully, the person will be like, "Oh yeah, shit I forgot." You will need to remind them. If they keep overstepping this boundary, you then need to decide what you're going to do.

You might have to be like, "Listen, this relationship is not going to work for me." That might be the best choice for you. Or you might just decide, I'm just going to keep reminding them. But if you decide to just be like, My boundary, whatever. Well I'll just let them keep talking about whatever and not correct them. You are then being that doormat again and you're not giving people the chance to respect your boundaries.

It's really tough for us, but if you haven't been doing this during your life. So start easy, start with something simple, asking for something that you want or need. Test the waters and then start getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Remember, someone's reaction has nothing to do with you and it has everything to do with them. So hopefully, most people are just like, "Yeah, cool. Not a big deal." Because it's not a big deal for them and they do love you and they want to help you in your journey to loving yourself. So hopefully, it's not a big deal.

If it is, then you need to then be able to act accordingly to protect you and your mental health. So good luck, go out there test the waters, try something that's scary. The more you do it, the easier it will be. And then you wouldn't have to keep reminding people about what a new boundary is for because you're sticking to your guns and it's not okay to do that thing that's not okay for you. And it's all good, it's okay to have boundaries. In fact, it's fabulous.

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