Worried People Are Judging Your Body Size and Appearance? Read This.

Some things to consider if you are struggling with the judgements of others:

  • People judge others negatively, and that sucks; I’m sorry you have to go through that.

  • Some people will judge you very harshly and unkindly. Some people will think of you neutrally or positively. Some people are hyper-focused on themselves and whether or not you are judging them negatively.

  • If you have a bigger body or are marginalized in additional ways, you are going to be experiencing more bias and judgement, and that is not ok.

  • If someone is judging your body size or fatness negatively, then it might be because they feel shame in their body and want to pass that shame to you to feel temporary relief. It’s not your shame to hold and deal with. Also, some people are just plain cruel or bigoted and you should not have to deal with that.

  • Those people shouldn’t be able to dictate how we live our lives, what we look like, how we dress or how we present to the world as a fat person. However, they often do get to dictate, either from fear of experiencing shame, changing our behaviours, or due to very real safety concerns, changing our behaviours. This world is often unsafe (especially for the most marginalized), and how you react to that is understandable.

A lot of people worry about themselves and how they look and use judging others as inferior as a coping mechanism.

However, they will also be confronted with people whom they deem to be superior, and any self-esteem they have can easily crumble.

So basing self-esteem on how well you play the ‘game of beauty ideals’ is limiting (and eventually people always lose as they get older, or their body/appearance changes, etc). We all lose when we play the game of beauty ideals; only the house wins.

What I have noticed through my own and clients’ journey is that the more you work on unlearning your own anti-fatness, the less you tend to think about how others perceive your body.

You’re aware people judge you; you know that it’s not ok and also their opinion doesn’t change the way you feel about yourself as easily.

You realize that your worth is based on your humanity and not how you look. You are more easily able to recognize the pain that people judging you are probably in themselves.

If we decide that we want to live without shame around our body, how can we support ourselves to do that?

Here are some ideas:

Look at your life and see if you are surrounded by people who help make you feel accepted and proud of your body. Are you surrounded by people who are anti-fat and pro-diet and feed into your worries? Can you add in more of the people who make you feel loved and limit contact with those who don’t (or set boundaries)? 

What other things in your life support fat liberation (like your fave TV shows or social media accounts you follow)? What things continue to influence you to believe that fat is bad, and thinness is the most attractive? Can you make tweaks there? 

Are you able to talk to a therapist or a trusted friend about your fears? You may be surprised at how many people feel the same as you. (Pro tip: don’t nonconsensually trauma dump on a friend who is bigger than you; that would be unfair to them).

Can you take small steps to help grow your confidence and resilience? For example, you want to wear a bikini to the beach but fear judgment. What if you start by wearing it around the house or in your garden? Then move up to wearing it at the beach with a cover-up, and then take the cover-up off for 1 minute only and see if that feels ok. You don’t have to be confident to do something scary; you just need to be courageous and support your mental health as you build up the confidence.

Would setting goals around specific things you’d really like to do be helpful for you?

Bottom line:

The comfort of those who judge you is NOT more important than you being able to live without shame. 

Go live fiercely, fatty!

Continue Your Learning & Unlearning

If this resonated, you’re not alone. Many of us are navigating the tension between wanting to dismantle anti-fatness while still feeling its impact in our own lives and bodies.

This work happens on multiple levels - personally and systemically.

You can start here:

You don’t have to figure this out alone - and you don’t have to do it perfectly to begin. Remember, you are worthy, you always were, you always will be. Stay fierce, fatty!

About the Author:

Vinny Welsby

Vinny Welsby (they/them) is a fat activist, diversity, equity and inclusion leader and founder of Fierce Fatty and Weight Inclusive Consulting. They have been a leading voice in dismantling anti-fat bias and diet culture for over a decade, a TEDx speaker, a podcast host, and a master's student in psychotherapy. Vinny is trans-non-binary and is dedicated to shifting how society views fat and queer bodies through education and compassion.

When Vinny isn’t talking about DEI stuff, they love snuggling with their dog, cross-stitching swear words and singing in a pop choir.

Follow Vinny on Instagram, Facebook or LinkedIn or get their free resources the Body Love Roadmap or How to Make Your Workplace Size Inclusive (or check out many other free resources here).

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