Yes, You Can Be Confident (Even If You Have A Fat Belly And Saggy Tits)

People say to me often, “Vinny, I would love to be confident.” 

They say “I would love to accept my fat body. I would love to feel like you, but I can't do it. I just don't think I can get there. It's not an option for me. I've tried and it’s not worked. Being like you is impossible, but I admire you for it. I also want it, but I am not going to get there. My body is especially unattractive”

My advice to you:

You CAN get there but the beliefs you currently hold mean that you think you can’t.

When I wasn't confident I used to think that I was particularly ugly and disgusting. I was particularly fucked up. My life experiences are particularly bad. 

And because of that I could never get to a place of confidence. 

Things I used to say to myself:

• The people around me, my family are anti-fat and will never accept me.

• Have you seen my belly? It's massive, bigger than what you see on Instagram and my tits are extra saggy, not like yours. 

• My bum is flat, not like what it should be. 

• My cellulite is extra cellulite-ty. 

When I was not confident, I would look at confident people and think they have something extra special or something about them that I don't have. 

They might be fat, but they've got perky tits or they've got a flat stomach or they've got some sort of thing that I don't have, which means it's not possible for me. 

But do you know what? All of my past beliefs were bullshit! Everyone is flawed and have things they don’t like about themselves - even the people I would look up to and think were perfect.

BTW, It is a million percent normal to feel like this!

So many people feel like this. Heck, I felt like this for 90% of my life. 

But listen up...it's not possible for people to get to a place of self love or even self-acceptance if they hold onto the unhelpful beliefs that I held onto for so many years.  If you are certain that there is NOTHING that will help you feel better then it’s going to be hard to feel better.

Today, let's decide to lean into hope.

Let’s consider that we can work on letting go of the limiting self beliefs that don't serve us and only hinder us from feeling truly confident in our skin.

You with me?

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About the Author:

Vinny Welsby (they/them) is a fat activist, diversity, equity and inclusion leader and founder of Fierce Fatty and Weight Inclusive Consulting. They have been a leading voice in dismantling anti-fat bias and diet culture for over a decade, a TEDx speaker, a podcast host, and a master's student in psychotherapy. Vinny is trans-non-binary and is dedicated to shifting how society views fat and queer bodies through education and compassion.

When Vinny isn’t talking about DEI stuff, they love snuggling with their dog, cross-stitching swear words and singing in a pop choir.

Follow Vinny on Instagram, Facebook or LinkedIn or get their free resources the Body Image Recovery Handbook or How to Make Your Workplace Size Inclusive (or check out many other free resources here).

How To Tell A Person To Lose Weight Because They're Unhealthy

When I was on that BBC show (Who Are You Calling Fat?), the producer came to me after we finished wrapping up to get my answer on something and brought a camera crew to chat with me. 

She asked “What does the audience do when they have a family member or someone that they love that's really unhealthy because they're fat? How do you tell a fat person to lose weight?”

My response “Listen up here…..You mind your damn business.”

Are you their doctor? No, so mind your damn business. 

And if you are their doctor, are you able to offer evidence-based weight neutral care for that person? No. Then maybe you need to educate yourself and mind your damn business if you're going to prescribe a diet. They don't work. 

But some people say, “But someone I know eats food that isn’t healthy. They eat food and they're fat! How do I get them to stop eating food?”

Well, this is how you do it…..Mind your damn business. 

When I work with people, coaching them in my Fierce Fatty Academy, the number of stories that I hear from people who say, my family told me, “Do you really need another helping? Do you really need to eat that?”

It has really stuck with them. It caused trauma and all other negative outcomes which by the way didn't include becoming thin.

People also say, “But what if I've never seen them exercise? They've never exercised in their whole life. Well, should I tell them that they need to exercise and they need to lose weight?”

This is what you need to do…...You need to mind your damn business. 

Who are you? Are you the boss of them? 

They might just not be an exercising type. They might exercise when they don't have the prying eyes of someone who's judging them on them. 

Maybe they do other things. Maybe they don't and it doesn't matter. You don't need to move your body to be a worthy human being or even to be healthy.

“What if the fat person that I love doesn't like being fat and is trying to lose weight? Well, then should I help them? Should I say, Oh, this diet is really good. You can do it. You can lose weight.”

In this circumstance….. you should mind your damn business. 

If you have a fat person in your life who doesn't want to be fat then unless they talk to you about this subject and want your advice or input then don’t tell them that they shouldn’t want to lose weight. Just let them do what they want to do.

However, you can model your own positive behavior by not dieting and loving your fat body. 

So did they come and ask you for advice? No. Then, mind your damn business, right? 

So the reason why it's so important for people to mind their business when it comes to fat people's bodies and presuming they know the health status of someone that they love is that you are actively harming them. 

You care about their wellbeing, you care about their health?

Well, then you need to educate yourself on what fatphobia, shame, and stigma does to fat people. 

It is so damaging. 

Your job is to unlearn fatphobia and to understand that if you want to fight for better health of someone you love, then you need to work to dismantle diet culture and our culture's deep fear of fatness. 

If you really cared about fat peoples health, then you need to do work on yourself and not give them advice about how to reduce their body size because you are further stigmatizing, marginalizing and shaming them.

And that is not good for their health.

P.S. Are you sick and tired of hating your body? Learn the exact steps to take to get to a place of body love and the 3 BIGGEST mistakes all people make in this journey here by getting The Fierce Fatty Body Love Roadmap for free: https://bampowlife.kartra.com/page/roapmap

Let's continue the conversation in my free group! >> https://tinyurl.com/fiercefattyfriends

Historically, Actual Fat Bodies Were Not Idolized In Western Society!

We have this myth that keeps getting perpetuated about how fat bodies used to be idolized throughout history in Western Society. That's not really true. 

Chubby bodies at some periods within our history have been represented as an idea of beauty. The idea of a “Rubenesque body”.

If you look at an artwork from hundreds of years ago, these bodies that we claim to be fat bodies are not actually fat. 

They're pretty thin and pretty white. They might have a little bit of cellulite and they’re size 8 or size 10 in the UK. They're pretty small. They're definitely not fat. 

We're like, “Oh, we remember before when fat bodies were celebrated?!”. That's never been the case. There's not much evidence to support that. 

Historically, fat bodies were never really celebrated and I'm talking about fat not slightly curvy people.

Some people ask about The Venus of Willendorf and similar figurines as an exception to this...well The Venus of Willendorf is around 30,000 years old, so well before modern culture. 

And also we don’t know what the figurine actually represents. Some scholars suggest it’s a fertility statue and some suggest it’s a self-portrait a woman at the time created. There is little suggestion that it’s celebrating fat bodies as beautiful - but we could be wrong! 

Personally, I like to think of The Venus of Willendorf as a celebration of fat bodies and wear my Venus necklace with pride.

But also understand that there was never really a magical time period where actual FAT fat bodies were consistently celebrated. Fatphobia is alive today as it always has been.

P.S. Are you sick and tired of hating your body? Learn the exact steps to take to get to a place of body love and the 3 BIGGEST mistakes all people make in this journey here by getting The Fierce Fatty Body Love Roadmap for free: https://bampowlife.kartra.com/page/roapmap

Let's continue the conversation in my free group! >> https://tinyurl.com/fiercefattyfriends

Avoid The Constant Learner Effect At All Cost!

I made this mistake for years and I want to tell you about it so that you don't make the same mistakes which actually helped lower my confidence. 

What we're talking about is the Constant Learner Effect. What is constant learning? 

Constant learning is reading loads of books. Following people on Instagram, listening to multiple hours of podcasts, but not taking action. 

Now those things are great, right? Of course, you educate yourself but when you don't take action, then it can be very damaging to your self-esteem. 

This is why people struggle with confidence.

They learn about confidence and fat positivity, they read about it and they listen to people talking about it, but they never do “the things”.

They're reinforcing the idea that they can't do it because they are not taking action. The longer time passes by, the more the belief that they can't do it is being reinforced. 

It's like this constant feedback loop of, I don't think I can do it. I'm not doing it. Therefore, I can't do it. I don't think I can do it. I'm not doing it and so on..

A lot of people get into this cycle and the longer that you're in it, the harder it is to break free. 

It's normal to do this or to be in this. It is not a failure on your part. 

Because taking action is really fucking scary, especially if the thing that you're trying to do is something that you are nervous about and your brain is telling you that you can't do it. 

Of course, learning about a topic is going to feel a lot more accessible versus doing the scary shit.

So, it's totally normal if you're doing this and it's totally understandable. 

The Constant Learner Effect is like if you want you to learn how to swim and you read a book about it. Whether you read books, watch videos, listen to podcasts, follow swimmers on Instagram and you weren't getting into the water. This is what it's like, right? 

The water is scary, deep, dark and, you could drown. There might be animals that might touch your feet and all that type of stuff. 

But you'll never build confidence to be a good swimmer unless you get into the water. Even if you're really scared for the first time….you just have to jump in!

P.S. Are you sick and tired of hating your body? Learn the exact steps to take to get to a place of body love and the 3 BIGGEST mistakes all people make in this journey here by getting The Fierce Fatty Body Love Roadmap for free: https://bampowlife.kartra.com/page/roapmap

Let's continue the conversation in my free group! >> https://tinyurl.com/fiercefattyfriends

Is The Strategy You're Using To Love Your Body Broken?

If you are not in a place where you feel confident your current strategy isn't working and you need to change something.

Or perhaps you don't even have a strategy?

You need to get one. 

What I see a lot is people becoming overwhelmed with all the information about confidence and fat positivity.

It's not that you're lacking information about how to love your body. 

You might not have been able to cut through the noise and through the bullshit and get laser-focused on one thing, right? 

When you have a list of a thousand books to read, and there is a million videos to watch, and 70 hours of podcasts to listen to...that's really overwhelming. 

So it's not that there's a lack of information, it's that there's no strategy there.

Just pick one strategy and go all in.

You may have tried many things and it's not worked...and then you blame yourself and you're like, “Oh, well, I'm just not the type of person who is confident because I tried this thing once and it didn't work.”

But did you go all-in with it? 

It's not your fault if you tried something and it didn't work, you have to get laser-focused on one strategy and go all in.

P.S. Are you sick and tired of hating your body? Learn the exact steps to take to get to a place of body love and the 3 BIGGEST mistakes all people make in this journey here by getting The Fierce Fatty Body Love Roadmap for free: https://bampowlife.kartra.com/page/roapmap

Let's continue the conversation in my free group! >> https://tinyurl.com/fiercefattyfriends

Hate Your Fat Belly? Watch This!

We have a special episode today as I am coaching a member of my program, Fierce Fatty Academy, live! Bethan is struggling with dealing with other people's opinions (even if she isn't sure what the other person is actually thinking - have you ever done that? I know I have!). Also, she is having a serious hate fest with her belly that hangs...which happens to be the number one area of our body that fat people struggle to accept. TW: Mention of spousal abuse (physical violence + emotional abuse), including a very brief mention of rape. Very brief mention of suicidal ideations.

Let's continue the conversation in my free group! >> https://tinyurl.com/fiercefattyfriends

Download The Fierce Fatty Body Love Roadmap: https://bampowlife.kartra.com/page/roapmap

The One Thing That Automatically Increases Body Confidence

There are 4 key mistakes everyone makes when they are on their body loving journey and I see them come up time and time again as reasons folks are stuck and don’t feel good in their body. Today I will be going in-depth on all 4 of them so that you can avoid these pitfalls. When you don’t work on the things we will be talking about in today’s episode then it’s like pouring water into a bucket with holes in; you’ll be working really hard to feel more confident in your body and it feels like nothing is working. It’s not your fault, we just need to plug those holes!

Content warning: I talk about what the UK government is suggesting to make people not fat in the first section, skip to 7 mins in to avoid this. Brief mention of the O Words.

Let's continue the conversation in my free group! >> https://tinyurl.com/fiercefattyfriends

Download The Fierce Fatty Body Love Roadmap: https://bampowlife.kartra.com/page/roapmap

Does Diet Culture Have Similarities to Cults?

I deep dive into this important question and show the similarities between cult behaviours and that of diets and diet culture. Why is it so hard to leave dieting...perhaps even more so than something we would consider a traditional organised cult? Also, I talk about how to easily spot if what you’re engaging in is cult-like.

Let's continue the conversation in my free group! >> https://tinyurl.com/fiercefattyfriends

Download The Fierce Fatty Body Love Roadmap: https://bampowlife.kartra.com/page/roapmap

One Cruel Comment Started 24 Years of Dieting

We have a guest on today's show and it's a member of my program, Fierce Fatty Academy. Susie shares her story of the first time she knew that her body was "wrong" and the consequences of a cruel comment from a teacher. After 26 years of dieting - losing weight then inevitably regaining it - she had had enough. Her transformation is unbelievable even to Susie, so you gotta tune in and hear what she has done now she loves her fat body.

Let's continue the conversation in my free group! >> https://tinyurl.com/fiercefattyfriends

Download The Fierce Fatty Body Love Roadmap: https://bampowlife.kartra.com/page/roapmap

Why Saying "Confidence Is Sexy" Is Problematic

In today’s podcast, I am talking about feeling unattractive because you are fat. Is it true that finding a partner is harder when you are fat? Are you destined to be single and alone forever or WORSE dating someone who is unsuitable for you because they are “kind enough” to overlook the size of your body? I talk about this AND answer a listener question in today’s show.

Let's continue the conversation in my free group! >> https://tinyurl.com/fiercefattyfriends

Download The Fierce Fatty Body Love Roadmap: https://bampowlife.kartra.com/page/roapmap

The Lies We Tell Ourselves so We Can’t Get to a Place of Body Love

People say to me all the time "Victoria, I wish I could be confident like you, but I can't do it!" I tell them "of course you can!" but they don't believe me. In this podcast episode, I talk about that BS belief that people hold that are incapable of being confident and loving their fat body because they are just not that type of person or are particularly ugly or fat or (insert another BS lie you believe here). You CAN get to a place of body acceptance and even love. Learn how in this podcast.⠀

Let's continue the conversation in my free group! >> https://tinyurl.com/fiercefattyfriends

Download The Fierce Fatty Body Love Roadmap: https://bampowlife.kartra.com/page/roapmap

Our Society Fetishizes Thin Bodies

Has your partner confessed that weight gain is a turn off for them? Or do you just know they have a preference for your body to be smaller rather than bigger? A long term ex-partner of mine told me that he was less attracted to me because I had put on a little weight. In this episode, I tell you that story and also what to do if this happens to you (or you fear it'll happen!).

Let's continue the conversation in my free group! >> https://tinyurl.com/fiercefattyfriends

Download The Fierce Fatty Body Love Roadmap: https://bampowlife.kartra.com/page/roapmap

Why Did My Ex Abuse Me?

I want to talk about domestic abuse today and my experience with it. I was in an abusive relationship for over 2 years and I feel compelled to tell my story in detail in part because domestic violence is at critical levels with the lockdowns. A massive trigger warning on this episode, I talk about: emotional abuse, violence, sexual abuse, alcoholism, financial abuse, forced dieting and mentions of food, very brief mention of a pedophile and rape. Please skip this episode if you think this could trigger you.

Let's continue the conversation in my free group! >> https://tinyurl.com/fiercefattyfriends

Download The Fierce Fatty Body Love Roadmap: https://bampowlife.kartra.com/page/roapmap

But What If You're Fat and Unhealthy

Is embracing your body just an excuse to give up on your health? Is fat positivity or body positivity advocating for people to be unhealthy? What do you say to a fat person who is unhealthy due to their weight? I answer all these questions and a listener question in this episode. Plus a Covid-19 fat health update. CW: Mention of the O words throughout.

Let's continue the conversation in my free group! >> https://tinyurl.com/fiercefattyfriends

Download The Fierce Fatty Body Love Roadmap: https://bampowlife.kartra.com/page/roapmap

Can You Be Vegetarian or Vegan and Also Be an Intuitive Eater?

Can you be a vegetarian/vegan and be an intuitive eater? Isn't that just another diet? Aren't vegans just people with restrictive eating patterns or eating disorders? Can you keep your food ethics and be an intuitive eater? Find out in this podcast episode. :)

Let's continue the conversation in my free group! >> https://tinyurl.com/fiercefattyfriends

Download The Fierce Fatty Body Love Roadmap: https://bampowlife.kartra.com/page/roapmap

How Life Changes When You Love Yourself (The Good, the Bad and the Weird)

I've gone from extremely low self-esteem to get to a place where I KNOW I am worthy and gorgeous and a-ok just the way I am today. With that gigantic shift has come many changes in my life; good, bad, and just plain weird. Hear about them in today's episode and let's compare notes on some of the things we have experienced with low and high self-esteem. PLUS I spill some juicy cringy dating stories from when I had low confidence versus now when I have high confidence.

Let's continue the conversation in my free group! >> https://tinyurl.com/fiercefattyfriends

Download The Fierce Fatty Body Love Roadmap: https://bampowlife.kartra.com/page/roapmap

Food Insecurity (Physically and Mentally)

COVID19 is a traumatic event for lots of the world and one big reason is food insecurity and the impacts of that. I grew up in poverty as a child and so we literally had food scarcity and I also lived in a fatphobic, pro-weightloss household and so there were the added confusing food beliefs around that too....which a lot of people experience. Having a history of dieting, a disordered relationship with food, or an eating disorder can make COVID19 a massive trigger for old patterns and behaviors. Learn about that in this episode and also what the heck to do about it. TW: mention of bulimia, spousal abuse, alcoholism, starvation, mention of specific food, and trauma effects.

Let's continue the conversation in my free group! >> https://tinyurl.com/fiercefattyfriends

Download The Fierce Fatty Body Love Roadmap: https://bampowlife.kartra.com/page/roapmap

The Magical Things I Thought Would Happen If I Got Thin

I am talking about the magical things I thought would happen when I became thin and also the ways in which I used to disguise my fatness. Some of them are pretty hilarious. Also, I talk about why we have magical thinking when it comes to weight loss. What ways have you tried to hide your body size from the world?

Let's continue the conversation in my free group! >> https://tinyurl.com/fiercefattyfriends

Download The Fierce Fatty Body Love Roadmap: https://bampowlife.kartra.com/page/roapmap

Am I Addicted To Food or Sugar?

Do you think about food all the time? Countdown the minutes until you can eat again? Are you addicted to eating? What about sugar? Is it impossible to leave sugary things in your vicinity because you'll eat them all up? In this podcast found out what is going on in our bodies and finally answer the question: Am I addicted to food or sugar? TW: Mention of addiction behaviors and substance use.

Let's continue the conversation in my free group! >> https://tinyurl.com/fiercefattyfriends

Download The Fierce Fatty Body Love Roadmap: https://bampowlife.kartra.com/page/roapmap

Things Confident People Do

What is it exactly that confident people do? Do they have secret superpowers that can only be replicated with witchcraft and sorcery? In this episode, I'm going to share the things that confident people do on the regular that make them stay confident so that you can copy those behaviors and thoughts to increase your own self-esteem.

Let's continue the conversation in my free group! >> https://tinyurl.com/fiercefattyfriends

Download The Fierce Fatty Body Love Roadmap: https://bampowlife.kartra.com/page/roapmap