One of the badass members of my private Facebook group got shamed by a stranger in the grocery store.

"I just went to the store for lunch and picked up a bag of chips. A lady I've never met before felt it was appropriate to say "you don't need that" as I put them in my hand basket."

BITCH, WHAT?!

It got me thinking of creating a list of sassy, badassy ways to respond when people are throwing shade about your appearance, your food choices, your lifestyle choices etc and the fab queens from my group have helped me collate a list to help you next time someone is being a rude asshole. With their permission I am sharing below:

person says "You’re fat"

"I know, thanks for noticing, don't I look GORGEOUS!".
"Oh wow! I had NO IDEA that YOU are my personal government assigned nutrition scientist. I'm SO glad you're here, because I DO have a lot of questions about food..." (and then you just go on bombarding them with questions that only a trained professional could answer).
Usually my response is "Seriously?!?!" With some major side eye. Although I really just wanted to kick some people. Lol.
Sometimes I respond "Awww poor you. Having to degrade total strangers in order to feel better. Awww I know, I know. Life is so unfair. You starve yourself and I just naturally look this fab!".
Years ago my boss's wife said to me "If I had a handsome husband like you do I would SURE lose weight!" To which I responded "After having 3 children, working full time and putting him through college, if he wants a skinny wife he is absolutely welcome to find one but, fortunately he is not that shallow".
My favourite answer to the are you pregnant question is "Yes! It's going to be a schnitzel. Maybe even with fries 🍟".

person says "You should do this/don't do that"

In response to "You don't need that" or "Are you sure you need that?" — a melodramatic, desperate life-or-death serious "Yes, I really do".
"Did you really just say that?" and "Wow, that's rude".
"I think you should do more/less of this/lose weight/change your lifestyle". Response "Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither".
Or: "Yeah, no. That's actually really dangerous".
My needs are far outside of your business.
Just saw a cheesy one on some page "If I wanted to hear from an ass, I’d fart!".
Do your hear that? It’s the sound of me not giving a shit about your opinion.
If only unsolicited opinions paid bills...
Aww, it's so sweet that you actually thought I'd care about your opinion. I don't.
"Gosh thanks so much for your unsolicited advice, random stranger whose opinion I give no fucks about".

person says "OMG, have you lost weight?"

"Nope, I have definitely been gaining." (usually true).
"I ran 10 miles yesterday. It was awesome." - total subject change
"Oh gosh, I hope not!".
What mostly works is something like "oh gosh! I literally wanted to ask you the same thing just now! Do you get that a lot?" Delivered with the right amount of overacting, of course 😉.
"Have you lost weight?" "No, but I look GOOD don't I?! You know it's probably all this happiness from not dieting".