Hello and welcome to episode 20 of the Fierce Fatty podcast. I am your host Victoria Welsby and in today's episode, we're talking about the things that confident people do that you can start modeling words do it.
You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm Victoria Welsby, TEDx speaker, best-selling author, and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self-esteem to being a courageous and confident Fierce Fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living in a fat body is bad, but what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century. So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty Podcast. Let's begin.
Well, hello there. How are you fatty? How's life treating ya? Welcome to double digits of the Fierce Fatty podcast. Oh my gosh. It feels like I've done like three episodes, but no, we're in episode 20, so yay. Pat on the back to me. It's my goal for 2020 to do at least one podcast a week. So yeah, I'm doing it. I'm doing it and we're in what, February you'll be listening to this in March. So I started the podcast in November, question mark. So yeah, I just left the sofa to come and record this podcast and it was so hard because Dougal, my dog was sitting on my knee and being all snugly and more lovely and I was just like, I'm sorry, douggie. Excuse me. I have to go. I want to go record this podcast and I say I have to, I want to, I want to come and chat with you fatties and yeah, talk about this really core topic and the reason why I was really enjoying Dougal being on my knees because the last week he has not been interested in snuggling with me. And the reason is that my mom's dog, Misty is in heat. Now Dougal is neutered, but something happens where his brain just, there's a switch that goes off and he's like, I must hump this dog nonstop for 57 hours a day. It's just, Oh, I have to feel so bad for both of them because I'll tell you why Misty is what we'd say in the UK. She's a dulux dog. And so North Americans out there, what would you dulux dog is an old English sheepdog and so she's this really big fluffy thing. She's probably, I don't know, a hundred pounds no idea about dog waste, but she's like a big dog.
Like, I'd say the biggest of dog. And Dougal is a small dog. He's about 20 pounds. He's a mutt and he's looks like a miniature border Collie mix with papillon, who knows? He's got big fluffy ears and a big fluffy tail, but his face looks like a border Collie. And so Dougal has been trying to hump Misty, but he can't actually hump because his face doesn't even reach her hips, right? Like, so he's just humping the side of her leg and Misty really wants to be harmed because you know, all of our hormones are saying let's get impregnated. And so she gets really frustrated with Dougal and like turns around and like nudges him and like pushes him with a pour to say like, come on and on top of this the neighborhood creepy dog. So creepy dog max. Max is a dog that lives about a kilometer away, like half a kilometer away. And he is allowed to roam free in the day and he comes to the house just to stay in the window and pine cry for Misty so he can get in and hump Misty. Now I don't know if Max is neutered or not, but I have seen the effects of a female dog in heat on Dougal. And what happens when a female dog is in heat is that in their urine is these hormones and pheromones that are released. And so all the dogs in the area know that there's a dog in heat here, come and have sex with the dog. But yeah, Max, he is up in looking through the window. So he's such a creep for so long or like so many hours from the moment I opened the door in the morning to let Dougal out, Max is there and he's like, Oh, hello and to the nighttime, Max is there.
He's normally, he normally hangs around and he's a creep anyway, but because Misty's is even worse. And if you think in like, why is there a dog just roaming around? So I'm in rural Ireland currently, and a lot of farmers will have border Collies. Max is a border Collie that they use on the farm for working. They're a working dog and they don't tie them up and they don't have them in the house because they're seen as a working animal. And so when they're not working, I don't know. I don't know if Max is actually a working dog or if he's just happens to be a border Collie. They a lot of times just roam free. And it's kind of funny, like if you go to the beaches around here, often you'll meet a dog that's just taken itself to the beach and we'll just join you for the walk that you're doing with your dog. And at the end you're just like, see you later. And when I first came here, I was like to my mom, like, this is stray dog here. Like, what the heck? We should take it and take it to the shelter or something. And she's like, Oh no, that's like Patty McGuigan's dog over there. He lives over there. He's just, you know, having a walk on the beach and Oh, this is Smithy over here. And he just loves playing ball. And it was really strange for me. But now I've gotten used to seeing just dogs just hanging around, which, you know, is good and bad. Like, you know, a person. I wouldn't want my dog to be just wandering around because you know what, if they get hit by a car but we're at like rural, you know, so there's not a lot of people around and not that many cars.
But anyways, and that is what was happening. I caught some really funny videos of Max being like, please let me in and I'll put some pages of the dogs on the show notes. The page for the show noted. So that's going to be fiercefatty.com/020 for episode at 20. So you can see the size difference between Misty and Dougal and see a picture of Max staring in the window like a creep. And because we don't know if he's neutered or not, we don't want Max getting anywhere near Misty because Misty could get pregnant. And Misty, my mom's dog is not neutered spade. Because she had a couple of litters earlier in her life and now she's older and I think she gets paid, but my mom's like, nah, we'll leave her. Anyway. So thats the dog, so popper, drama of pining lovers, star crossed lovers never to meet. And poor Misty stuck with Dougal whose penis doesn't even reach her ankle. And I have to put a dog diaper on Dougal, a dog nappy while she's in heat because he just wants to mark everywhere like her bed and where the room that she sleeps. And I'd know her because he wants the other dogs to know that, Oh, this is my dog, get away from my girlfriend. So he's constantly having to wear a diaper. So he's not happy about the whole thing, but it's wearing off. The whole heat thing is wearing off. He lasts about a month, but the process where dogs want to hump her is about a week. So yeah, the doggy sagas.
Anyway, I spent eight minutes talking about dogs. That's what we'd hear to talk about, which is the things that competent people do that you can start modeling and modeling, like copying so that you can feel more confident and you can spot in your life. Aha. That is a difference between the way that I am thinking or behaving. There's a gap there. And so I want to move things closer to the way that a confident person is behaving or thinking. So I want you to list these out for you and see if this is helpful for bridging that gap of where you might want to be with your competence and the things I'm going to be talking about here. They're not absolute. It's like every confident doesn't person doesn't do every single thing on best lists and say if you, if there's like a confident person, but they just don't do one of these things, doesn't make them not confident.
But generally speaking, most confident people, this is how they engage with the world. This is how they act and this is how they think. And obviously confidence goes up and down throughout life. And there's times when people who are confident will have times where they don't feel as confident. But there's about a general base level. Are you genuinely confident? Are you genuinely very confident? Generally very unconfident or you know, somewhere in the middle there. So it's kind of like a baseline for those who are more confident in the world.
So the first thing that confident people do is that they believe in themselves. They know that they can overcome difficult things and they are resilient. So my, my therapist my therapist in Vancouver, the practice, her practice is called peak resilience. And I just loved that word resilience before I even worked with her. I was just like, yes, that's what it is. It's resilience is knowing that shit is always going to happen in life, but I can survive it. And when they stumble, they will work on their self esteem. So if they gave ever have a stumble in life where something happens in their self esteem is dipped, they will work on getting back to a place where their normal baseline. So they see problems as a learning opportunity and not a reason to give up. They see problems as a learning opportunity and not a reason to give up. I love entrepreneurial stuff and online business stuff. And, that's something that I've learned big time is the difference between someone who is successful and someone who is not successful. Is it the successful person who's just failed more than the unsuccessful person, right? And so I'm confident people are confident to fail. They don't care about failing because they know that failing doesn't mean that they are a failure. Failing means that they tried and that is a beautiful thing. People who are unconfident would rather not try and not get the results versus try and not get the results because they tried, right. And by not doing it might not doing things and not taking action because they were fearful. You're not going to get the results. You're already getting the results that you're fearful that you're going to get. Mm. Mm. Thinking about it that way you, if you don't take action, you already have the results that you fear that you're going to have if you do take action. So why not take action? I mean, you've already got the results that you've got that you're scared to get.
Why not take action and try and along with this belief in South is taking what Shawn Achor from the Happiness Advantage calls it. The third path. I'll link to hawn Achor's book. It's a book I read eight years ago and it really resonated with me. And it's about when shit hits the fan in life is exactly what we would just been talking about. There are different reactions that you can have. Now the first reaction is you can be like, okay, so let's dream up a scenario. You have a car accident and you are injured. You can't risk totaled and it's your fault. Now you, that thing happens, your car is totaled, you're injured and it's your fault. The first reaction, the first path that most people go down is to say, Oh my God, my life is shit. Oh, this is terrible. Why me? It's just typical. This stuff always happens to me. Oh, I'm never going to drive a car again. This is just the worst thing happens. The next path is sticking at status quo. So there might be like, Oh, this sucks, you know, but I'm just going to carry on with life. And there's no kind of learning opportunities from that situation. The third path is eventually, sometimes it takes longer. Sometimes it takes shorter. Eventually getting to a point where you say, okay, that thing happened. What can I learn from it? What can, how can I use this opportunity to make myself better, to make life better? How can I be grateful for this? And know you don't have to be grateful for, you know, shit that's happened in your life, but these are the types of things that confident people might be thinking.
And not always, obviously, and say, if you have a car crash and you know, you have a car crash in the first thought, you're like, Oh my God, I'm so happy. This thing happened to me. I'm so grateful. That's fucking weird. That's not how people react, you know, because you're a human being. That's why I say eventually, eventually, you know, they can say, okay, so what was happening there that made me cause a crash? Oh, I was texting on my phone. Okay. The lesson I'm going to take from this is to be a more vigilant driver is to not rush. Maybe, you know, I was late and that's why I was rushing and that's why I was looking at my phone and maybe I need to get more calmness or stillness into my life. Maybe I'm going to start meditating.
What does this reveal about me as a person? Why was I rushing? Why was I late? Because I was late because I was trying to make myself look in certain way and why was I doing that? Why did I spend so time long getting ready right there. Just more curious about things versus automatically being like, Oh my God, my life is shit. They also might be thinking, Oh my God, my life is shit, but are able to get to a point where they stop being curious. So I will link to Shawn Achor book in the show notes. fiercefatty.com/020. So if you want to read the Happiness Advantage, I loved it. I'm ready in like in like I mentioned about eight, six time , when it came out, I read it. So whenever that is, and I met the author, he's a lovely guy. I don't think there's any diet stuff in there. He had a big impact on me. It's all about the science of happiness. So that first point is they believe in themselves and they see problems as opportunities and they are resilience.
Next one is investing in themselves, investing in themselves in regards to therapy, coaching, self-development, buying them themselves sings because they know that they are worthy. I'm getting rid of the crap things in their life. So, for example, you know, if you have your wardrobe filled with old grotty shirts that you've had for years and years and years have holes in and stains and stuff and you don't replace them. And it doesn't have to be about money. It doesn't have to be like you're replacing them with, you know, designer clothes or whatever. It could be stuff that you buy in at the first store.
But investing in themselves because they know they're worth it, investing in themselves because they see themselves as this valuable thing. And it's like Jess Baker made this, this analogy about the human, you know, human body is, human human beings it's like a having a car and you would never expect your car to just drive for years and years and years without putting petrol in, without getting an oil change, without changing the tires. Because, you can't needs these things and your car is an investment and you know you call it care. And it's just not possible for the car to run forever without you caring for it. And confident people know this too about themselves because they see themselves as valuable. You know, like a car. And think about, say if you, you have a car and you just, you never take it to the garage, that oil is totally dry and then the engine seizes up and then you put the wrong fuel in and it just explodes and you get scratches on it all the time.
If that car had a brain, what would that car be thinking? But like, well, I'm no valuable. Well, if you're not investing in yourself and it doesn't have to be money, it can be time. It can be effort. If you're not investing in yourself, then you're giving yourself a message that you're not enough. And so confident people invest in themselves because they know that they're enough. They know that worthy. They know that they deserve to feel good and deserve to learn and deserve to feel better about themselves in their brain and in their body. And, and it could be simple things like buying a nice chopstick or getting another session with your therapist or buying an online course to do with something that you're really interested in learning more about, right? So it doesn't have to be about money. It's about knowing your worth and wanting to look after that through investment.
Next thing that confident people do is, and this is very hard for a lot of people, but component people really do this. They cut off toxic people in their life and they set boundaries. Now I see this time and time and time and time again that people who are struggling with a competence cannot do this and have terrible boundaries, have super toxic people in their life. And the thought of cutting them out is it's an, it's an non conversation. It's never going to happen. It's never gonna happen because they don't think that they're worth anymore because they are terrified that if they set a boundary, the person is going to say, fuck you. Don't talk to me again. I hate you. You're a piece of shit. Go away. But in my point of view my thought on this is that by not setting boundaries, you're being very selfish.
Think about it this way. So you have people in your life. You might know if you have people in life, we'll have people in our lives to some degree, right? And this is what I used to do. So I used to be a big offender for this. I would have friends that maybe I had known for a long time. Maybe they were childhood friends, maybe I went to school with them. Maybe their friends are friends, maybe they're in my friend circle that I hated and I loved slagging them off behind their back to other friends and other friends. Cause I would be drawn to other people who'd like slugging other people off. We would just be like, Oh my God. Did you see what Michelle was wearing? Can you believe that her boyfriend did that? And I didn't hate them, but to their face, I'd be like, Hey Michelle, how are you doing? And that made me a terrible friend. Terrible friend to Michelle fictional, fiction, Michelle. If I was able to say if Michelle or whoever was actually a very toxic person in my, we couldn't mend the relationship, I should have just cut her out of my life by loved the drama. I loved it because it made me feel better about myself. Or I could have set a boundary with Michelle and that would have been such a beautiful thing to do because then Michelle could actually get close to me instead of me, you know, being two faced and know saying to her face, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. Yeah. Oh my God. Huh. And pretending to be a friend, which I thought I was a friend. I thought that's what friendship was.
If I said, Oh, Hey, this is actually, you know, I don't like this, or whatever, she could have had the opportunity to get closer to me versus me automatically pushing her away because I was a coward and I didn't want to tell her what it was that was bothering me. Say if I wanted to a relationship with Michelle, or I was too much of a coward to say, I don't want to be friends with this person. They're just too, we can't mend this, you know, I've never liked them in the beginning or whatever. I'm not interested because it's difficult and it's scary. And the thing is, it's confidence. Building, setting boundaries and cutting out toxic people is the biggest for me. Confidence boost ever. And a lot of people are like, well, when I'm more competent I do, I'll do it.
What is the catch 22 how can you be more confident if you are not cutting out these toxic people? Say if you've got someone in your life, he's always like, Oh my God, fat people are the worst. Oh my God, why are you so fat? Oh, you look like shit today. Why you so ugly? How are you going to care? Confident when you have someone like that in your life? Really it's just the constantly pulling you down and you're not. You're not serving them by being their quote unquote friend. You're really helping them. If you're taking up their time by being their friend, being in their life, they don't have the opportunity to go out and meet someone who will actually want to be their friend. So it's selfish to not set boundaries and it's to not cut toxic people from your life. Why are you holding onto these people,
Set them free so that they can be friends with someone who is more on their wavelength instead of having a friend who secretly hates them or is holding back secrets from them and not telling them how they really feel and not letting them ever get close to them in a real meaningful way because you're not saying how you feel and now this is really difficult and this is something that really, you know, sets apart confident people from unconfident people and seeing people set boundaries is just fucking amazing. It is so good. And what people think is going to happen a lot of times when they set boundaries is unconfident people or think that people are in their lives only because of the way that you behave like people or you know, whatever it is you're doing, you know, not setting that boundary.
They think that if they say, Hey, can you change this behavior or can you do this for me? Or whatever it is that the person is going to be like, fuck you. You're a piece of shit. Go away. I hate you. The relationship is over. And of course that can happen. That has happened millions of times in the world, but that is beautiful information. Remember what a confident people do is they take it as a learning opportunity. What learning opportunity do we have when someone behaves like that? Hmm, maybe they're not someone you want in your life. Could they be a toxic person? Well, there we go. Done. Cut them out of your life. But more likely is that someone who loves and cares about you say, Hey, can you avoid talking about fat as a negative because I am on my journey to loving my body. Someone who loves and cares for you will say, thank you for sharing that with me. Or some variation of that. It might take time for them to get to this place of saying, thank you for sharing. I will absolutely try that. You know, there might be like to begin with them, I'd be like, fuck you. And then mellow down a bit. But that's a big one in those toxic people out and said, no male and ruse.
Next is confident people don't do things that make them unhappy for a consistent period of time. Sometimes they might do things and make them happy and they're like, I ain't doing that again. But you know, if they've learned that something is not good for them, they generally don't do it again. So things like we mentioned before, being a people pleaser, they're not people pleasers. The reason why they're not people pleasers is because they know that their worth is not connected to how others perceive them. They are an inherently worthy, whether they do things or they don't do things. So and as well being a people pleaser is being a bad friend again or whoever it is you're doing it being about family member or being a bad spouse or whatever because you're not communicating your needs, your wants and your desires. So saying this could also go, you know, saying doing things that don't make them happy for things like the way that you exercise or move your body. So a lot of ex dieters will move their body in ways that they think that they should because they want to punish their bad fat body. So they might go to the gym or do CrossFit or whatever, but they don't like it when your confident, you say, ah shit cause I really fucking hate it. And then you're like, no fucking way, I'm not doing that thing. I might want to move my body in different ways or I might not to want to move my body. They're confident in that desires and wants and needs and adhering to it and honoring who they are. Truly deep down.
Next ties in with another point but they care for themselves and they will self care and even if it's seen as selfish cause a lot of times people are like all self care selfish and a lot of times people don't like self care is not selfish but it's okay to be selfish even if you know you are being selfish because a lot of time we're told to make it all about other people.
But they will treat themselves in a way where they will stop dieting because they know dieting harms them. They will start intuitive eating. If they need to heal a relationship with food, they will strive to get to a place with intuitive eating where they'll just keep going on the intuitive eating journey versus like, you know, giving up and being like, Oh, dieting is better. And listening to their body that goes for exercise as well. Moving their body in ways that they want. Advocating for themselves at the doctors. That's a big one. So self care in regards to looking after your brain, looking after your body, demanding what you need to look after yourself next. Something that confident people do is they know that they are worthy no matter what they look like. And they also believe this about others.
So confident people don't go around saying, Oh my God, did you see how fat my person was? Or, Oh my God, did you see his hair or whatever. Because they know deep down every human including themselves is worthy. No matter what they look like, no matter what they do, they don't feel like they have to prove themselves by with, you know, great achievements or trying to impress people and buying fancy shit just to, so that people are like, Oh, is that a Louis Gucci handbag? And it's fine if you're into Louis Vuitton or whatever. But, you know, is it like, where is it coming from? Is it because you enjoy it? If you do amazing, is it because you want other people to say you're a better person in you're worthy and you should be alive because you have a Gucci belt or whatever? Maybe it's not as helpful. So they're not ashamed of who they are. So quirks and all, they realize that human beings are deeply flawed. They realize that they are not perfect. They realize that they have done bad things in their lives and good things and genuinely they're an all right person. So they embrace their humanity and the humanity of others and they don't expect other people to be perfect as well. And they realize other people make mistakes. Other people are good and bad and generally are somewhere in between. And they are constantly working on raising that judgment that they have for themselves. If it comes up judgment they have for others as it comes up, because the human beings and human beings, we will always have something that will come up and you're like, Oh, yup, Oh yeah, that's not good. And that goes for biases as well. And so trying to work on being a better person and you'll never get to that place where you're like, yup, I am number one. I am the best person in the world. I can get an A star for my personhood. I've done it. I've nailed it. Because, you know, we're humans and we fuck up all the time.
Next thing is that competent people ask for their worth and follow their passions. So at jobs, they'll ask for a pay rise and they'll put up a good case and say, Hey, I know that I deserve this much money. And I know that's not always possible. You know, you might be working in like a job where you have fixed pay rate or whatever. But generally they will know their worth and ask for it. They might do things because if they're following their passions, I might start a business with their passion because if they're competent, they know they're gonna do it. They're going to get out there and people need to see what they want to show with money. They will speak up about money and say, Hey, you know, they're not gonna let people take advantage of them when it comes to money, which is boundary setting. So they know their worth and they ask for it and they know that if they don't get their worth, it doesn't mean that they're not worth that.
So it is a story of how this happened to me is this was a turning point in my confidence journey of when I knew, okay, this stuff is really sinking in. And this was maybe, Oh, seven years ago I was working in those recruitment job. I was in corporate equipment for nine years and I had been in that job, I don't know, a year and a half. And I wasn't making that much money because a lot of it was commissioned based, but I wanted a bump in my base salary. And so I went to the regional boss, we didn't have a boss in the office and one day he came in and I went to him and I said, Hey, I would like 2k pay raise. So I think at the time I was making 38k yeah, I was making 38k Canadian and I wanted to go to 40 and I remember so clearly I'm sitting in the board room and him exactly where he was sat and me and him saying, Victoria, you're not worth 2k more.
You're lucky we even have a job. Like how can you be coming in here asking for pay rise? And the way that he was speaking to me, it was really fucked up. Like, you know, you can just be like, nah, we can't afford to give you 2k more or whatever. But he was really kind of like, it felt like he was trying to tell me, you know, we did say that you're lucky to have a job, but you ask for something else. And in that moment, instead of internalizing what he was saying and being like, Oh shit, yeah, you're right. I'm not worth, you know, 40k a year. I'm lucky to even be getting 38 and in fact, maybe I should be, you know, I'm worth less than that. And maybe I would stick at that job for ages and you'd eventually be totally bummed out.
And and so, but I didn't think that. I just thought, no mate, you motherfucker all wrong. I know I'm worth more money. And so what I did, it's from there is I went and I looked for a new job and within two weeks I got a pay rise in this new job of 12k more. So I was on a salary of 50 K with the bonuses and all that type of stuff. And that just confirmed my suspicion is his opinion of me was that, to him, I wasn't, and that's fine. I didn't want to work for someone who didn't value me and I easily was able to go out with this confidence of knowing, Oh, I have more. I know I'm worth more. And went and got it. Now I know this is not possible for everyone and you know, I'm talking from a place of privilege to be able to go out there.
It's easier for me as a white person to find a job is easier for as a someone with a British accent to find a job because a lot of times North Americans presumed that I'm smart or I dunno partials, I think I am so not posh. And you know, I have privileges in there as well, so I just want to recognize that. But if it wasn't for myself competence that was growing at that time, I couldn't have taken action and gotten that 12k pay raise. Okay. So another big thing that confident people do is that they do things when they are scared. So confidence isn't feeling like, you know, never feeling scared. Confident people are oftentimes shitting their pants. And the reason why oftentimes people are confident people are sharing their pants is because they are doing things that expand themselves and help them grow. And this idea is summarized beautifully in a quote. This is a quote that my sister sent me when I was, I had just been cheated on by my boyfriend with 17, I found out he had four other girlfriends and I thought I was gonna marry him. And I was like, Oh my God, my life is over. I'm never gonna find someone who is nice as him. And obviously he wasn't nice cause he was cheating on me. Anyway. So my sister was in Canada at the time and she said, move to Canada. And I was like, I've never even left my hometown. And I'm terrified to do anything. Never mind leave the country and move across the world without a job, without really knowing anyone apart from my sister. And like, no, that's a nice idea. But no, and she sent me this quote over MSN messenger back in the day.
And it's a quote from Nelson Mandela. It's one of my favorite quotes. It is, I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. And that is what? Confident people are courageous. Even if they are shitting themselves with fear, their heart is pounding, they think they're gonna die. They try and then see, see what happens. So with all of these things that we've spoken about today is kind of a self perpetuating loop, a self fulfilling prophecy. Because if you do those things, you will become confident. If you do those things, you will become confident. If you continue to do it, your confidence will grow. If you don't do those things, your confidence will stay exactly where it is or will diminish.
And so a lot of people say, when I am competent I will XYZ. Well you have to do the thing to get the confidence. Confidence doesn't come from a book. Confidence comes from taking action, which sucks cause it would be so much easier if we could just learn what confidence is. And then even our brains, everyone would be confident, right? I remember a summer in one time comparing it to going on a roller coaster. You can learn about the roller coaster, you can understand like why, how it loops it does and how it throws you in the air and all this type of stuff. But if you are scared of the confidence of the roller coaster, you're not going to get confident by watching it. And you know, maybe a little bit learning about it but really what you need to do is go on the roller coaster.
Let's say if rollercoasters are always good, cause sometimes roller coasters are shit, right? Sometimes you can get your head knocked around, but sometimes they're really good. It's a good rollercoaster and he'd have to go on there. And then you're like, Oh, it wasn't actually that scary. It was really fun. And then you might want to go again, but you're still a bit scared and you have to go again and you have to go a hundred times on the roller coaster before you're like, yeah, whatever. No big deal. You have to be like, did you ever see the like the world record holder for being on the rollercoaster the longest? And he was like slept on the roller coaster, ate on the roller coaster. It was on the rollercoaster for like days. Like he was not scared of the roller coaster. So you have to like sleep, eat, toilet, everything on the roller coaster and whatever your roller coaster is, that's what you have to do.
So you have to take action even if you're shitting your pants because that is what will make you confidence. And that is where most people get stuck is they are waiting for this magical thing to happen and confidence just to be bestowed upon them. And one day wake up feeling like Lizzo and go out wearing a T shirt and a thong with a whole cutout so people can see your bum cheeks. That's not going to happen. You're going to have to go put on the T shirt with a thong, with some fishnet tights with a hole cut out on your bum cheeks and be like, Oh my fucking God, I can't believe I'm doing this and do it. And they'd be like, yes bitch, I did it right, Liz. I didn't, you know, just one day, wake up and be like, I'm Lizzo bitch. She probably had to work on it, right. She probably had to start by wearing, you know, maybe some booty shorts or something or, or tight jeans or you know, she just didn't one day wake up and be like, I'm Lizzo. I'm going to watch a basketball game with my bum cheeks hanging out and then do some twerking on the core. She just wasn't, you know, the confidence fairy godmother didn't come and just be like, I bless the Lizzo with all the competence of a mediocre white man. And you know, then she went out and got her, you know, her T shirt with a hole in it. She worked on it. And that's what confident people do cause we're not born knowing that we, you know, we're not born knowing how to do things. We try, we fail. We try again and we learn that we can do it where some people learn I can't do it. Which is a belief. It's a belief, which is beautiful because if it's a belief, it means we can change it.
So yeah, now the things that competent people do. So the big one, the big takeaways from here is boundaries. I know, I want to say boundaries. Boundaries, getting toxic people out your life and taking action. Even if you are shitting your pants, even if you have a turtle head, a poo coming out of your bum hole with fear. Just do it and if he shit, you said his shit. If you fail, you fail. What's going to happen, you probably are not going to die if you might die, don't do it. But you know, like those, Oh my God, it makes me sick. Watching these, ah, those people who were doing a park hall, what's the English name for it? Jumping in, you know, then the jump around buildings and stuff and like swing from lampposts. You know what I mean? What does it called? There's another word that North Americans use. Parkour is the French word that Brits use anyway. It might be called parkour too in North America. And you know, when you do you see them doing parkour on like a 5,000 story building and like fucking doing backflips on the edge of a building. And I'm just like, Oh, maybe don't do that because you are gonna die or like base jumpers and you're like, you're working up to be coming a base jumper.
Like, yeah, high chance that you're gonna die. But maybe that's your thing you want to do base jumping, go do base jumping. Base jumping if you don't know is jumping off. What does it stands for. Bay stands for buildings, Ariel, Ariel structures and tennis, something like that. Anyway, the base jumpers listening, which although we hundreds were like, no badges is what it's called. A jumping off them without and then releasing a parachute afterwards and it's super dangerous and massive. A majority of those, the people who do it die because because it's a short drop to the earth versus if you jumping on an airplane, if something bad happens, you have at least a couple of minutes to try and, you know, fix your parachute or whatever. But with a base jumper, you know, say if you went unconscious or your parachute is tangled does mean, your dead because you have like four seconds to you hit the ground? Anyway, I don't want to do any base jumping, but if you wanna do a base jump and you go wild, if you want to do parkour on the tops of buildings or you know, have you seen those those ones where people climb to the top of a massive thing and they just hold on with their hand and then take a picture of them holding on with just their hand. I have a physical reaction when I see that shit on Instagram, I'm just like, no, nope. Don't want to see that because I know the person didn't die because we're seeing the video. Maybe they did, but the friend took the video of whatever I just can't handle it.
So, Hey, guess what? Guess what? You're going to love this. So the, so the other day I was like, Oh, I need some more fat positive means in my life. And so I searched Instagram for the account that has fat positive memes because of course it exists and found that it didn't exist. What is wrong with the world? How is fat positive means not a thing already. And so I created the account on Instagram. Fat positive means brand new. Go follow it. I've put up about, I don't know, 20 posts so far. Some of them have created myself. I'm like golfer, I'm a fucking comedian during these posted memes. I do like a meme. I do like a meme and I wanted it. Cause I know there's body-positive memes, but you know, I ain't really, you know, eh, body positivity as discussed in the last episode. So these are like for fat. This is fat. This is fat. Goodness. Okay, so go follow it. I'm going to put a link in the show notes. Fat positive means on Instagrams. And let's see if we can get the following up to. Okay, let's see. What do I want the following to be? Let me see what the following is right now. I think it was like a hundred something. Fat positive mems, fat positive means. Here we go. 201 followers. OMG, pretty good. Okay. So, Hey, let's go just 300, because people need fat positive memes in their lives. We're saving the world with these memes. And share them. Tag me. You've got a picture of Beyonce on there. Oh my God, I've got Miss Piggy on there. We've got cats, we've got fat horses. Life cannot get better if you're on Ursula. Oh, beautiful, beautiful. Anyway I will link on my show notes. It's been amazing to hang out with you today. I hope you got some goodness out of it.
And Hey, listen, if you working towards this adventure in confidence and there's always going to be ups and downs. So there's times I feel like I'm a very confident person and there's times when this shit happens where my confidence will take a drop. It could be a little drop, it could be a big drop. And the example is if you listened to all of the shows being on the BBC show and then the aftermath of that made my confidence drop in a big way where I was like, am I a bad person? The answer is yes, I'm a bad person, but I'm also a good person. I'm also, you know, in between, you know, I've done bad things, some good things, you know, I'm a human, but you know, generally I'm not a bad person I like to think anyway, but I had a moments where I was like, I'm a bad person.
And genuinely believe that and the difference between if I wasn't confident is I would have probably been in that place of I am a bad person for a lot longer than I was. That was probably two weeks of being like, Oh my God, I'm a bad person. And then I was just like, Hello, do you even know who you are? And then I was like, Oh yeah, I knew her, you know, I know who I am. And if you are like not doing these things or doing these things, it doesn't make you a better or worse person. You know, I'm not a better person because I happen to be more confident. It just means I happened to have done certain things to get to this place. If someone has less confidence than me. They are equally worthy and you know, needed in this world and are just perfect and great.
Just how they are having more confidence doesn't make you a better person. Okay. So I don't want people to think I'm like you low confidence losers. Oh get out of here. I hate you. Because 90% of my life I had confidence that was in the pits. I was like inverted confidence. I had inverted confidence. Like if my confidence was a belly button, it'd be like it'd be an any. But most people have enemies so maybe it'd be an alley, but most people are not confident. So it'd be in any anyway, I don't need to compare confidence to belly buttons. I think you know what I'm doing. I'm always, not always a lot of time. I have really shit analogies. I'm sorry. I was listening back to the last episode and I was trying to say like parts of my personality or whatever and I was like, they're like sticks.
What the fuck fucking sticks. What are you talking about? It's because I'm looking out the window here where I'm recording the podcast. I am looking over fields and there's lots of sticks. So that's why sticks came to my brain. So I'm sorry for all my shitty metaphors. I will do better and try and try and no mixing of metaphors. Just be good, solid metaphors. Unless I'm trying to think of something on the fly then who knows? Well, thanks for hanging out with me today. It's been fun and I will see you later, crocodile. I will see you in a while, alligator, and I hope you have an amazing day. My incredible Fierce Fatty. All right, I'll see you later. Good bye!
EP19 Transcript
Hello and welcome to episode 19 of the Fierce Fatty podcast. I am your host of Victoria Welsby, and in today's episode we're talking about things people get wrong about body positivity. Okay, let's do it.
You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm Victoria Welsby, TEDx speaker, best-selling author, and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self-esteem to being a courageous and confident Fierce Fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living in a fat body is bad, but what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century. So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty Podcast. Let's begin.
Hello. Hello. Hello. I'm so excited to chat with you today. I was thinking about it, you know, I love making this podcast and I feel so thankful and appreciative of you listening and of the messages that I get from folks who say that this podcast has had an impact on them. It's really humbling and just beautiful to hear that what I'm doing is having a positive impact that you're listening and the appreciation, I'm trying to think of a different word, appreciation. You know gratitude. That's it, gratitude. The gratitude that I have the privilege to be able to make a podcast is, you know, it's not lost on me. So thank you for being here and for tuning in. You rock.
So today I have been inspired this to make this episode because last night, far too late in the night, I don't know if you do this, but I'll go to bed and then I'll just be like. I'll start listening to a podcast and then as the podcast is going, I started looking on Instagram and looking at like body positive stuff, fat, positive stuff, intuitive eating stuff. And then also the other stuff that I'm interested, like home decoration, a pimple popping, toenail clipping, ear wax removal. Basically, I'm a disgusting human being. One of the things I mentioned is home design. That's not disgusting, but I saw a post. There was a home design thing. It was someone's kitchen and in the kitchen there was a blackboard and in the blackboard someone had written keep calm and fuck size zero. And I was like, Oh no. So close. I see what you're trying to do with that message is kind of like saying fuck size zero is a concept you call, but you really far off the mark. And it really reminded me of an episode that I wanted to do which is this one I'm talking about the things that people get wrong about body positivity and loving your body and fat positivity. Let say loving your body.
We'll get into why that's not accurate when it comes to body positivity right now. So the first thing that people get wrong is exactly what I just mentioned. So, not saying that this person who has the picture of the kitchen with the blackboard is subscribing to body positivity. But this is a mistake that I see people who are like, Oh, I'm a body positive advocate or I love body positivity. And then they say, fuck size zero. And I'm like, Oh no, because I see people who are interested in body positivity or claim to be a body positive advocate, slag off other people's bodies. Now it's okay to be like, Oh, the thins, you know, the thins are doing this or you know, you know, straight sized people. They're doing, you know, as a joke being like straight sized people are annoying when they don't stand up to fatphobia and you know, things like that.
But saying, so critiquing what people with privilege do or don't do is what I mean, but attacking another body size because one another body size is marginalized. That ain't fair. That ain't it, right. And so I see a lot of people who are new to body positivity or fat acceptance and there'll be in Facebook groups and they'll share like memes or pictures or things, you know, things like real women have curves or only dogs eat bones when it, you know, talking about thin women and you know what that is, body shaming. It's body shaming. And think about it this way as well. You remember it was probably four years ago when those statues of Donald Trump came out, you know him, a statue of him being naked and in the statue, obviously they don't know what he looks like naked. They gave him a micro penis and obviously he was fat and the statue was there to mock Donald Trump and laugh at the size of his penis, laugh at the fact that he's so fat and to show like he is a bad president and he is a disgusting human being because he's fat and has, we don't know, a micro penis.
Now there was a lot of liberal people being like, yeah, this is great. This is so funny. Like, we should really humiliate Trump like this. And it was actually really fucked up because we're learning that it's not okay to be fat like Donald Trump is a rapist, a racist, a general piece of shit human being. And the one thing that he's not bad for is having a fat body and not that we know the size of his penis. If he did have a micro penis, then that's not bad about him either. There are truly a thousand things that we can critique about Donald Trump because he's a, you know, a piece of shit, but his body is not one of them. We're teaching other people that it's okay to mock others' body even if it's Donald Trump, like even if it's like the worst person living, which you know, Donald Trump, eh, close to is not okay.
It's not cool. It saying that we shouldn't mock other people's bodies, but some people is okay and it's not. So that's not what body positivity is. It's not lifting up some voices and to do that, squashing others. And of course, fat voices do need to be lifted up. But we don't do that through making other people feel bad and saying those other people are bad. What we can say is though the systems that say that those people, straight sized people, white people, able bodied people, et cetera, et cetera, that say that they are the best in society, those systems are bad, those individuals, because if that single characteristic doesn't make them an automatic bad person. Another thing about that Trump thing is the idea that he has his micro penis and ahhaa, it's so funny. He's got a small penis that's super transphobic, super transphobic.
The trans community are massively marginalized and what have you are fat and trans and you have a body that is like these statues and you see the whole nation taking pictures with the statue being like, Oh my God, this is such an embarrassment. Look at the size of his penis or he's so fucking disgusting. How is that going to make you feel? Fucking awful. Like awful. Like you, couldn't pick something else about Donald Trump to make fun of. Yeah. Yeah. You good? You know, loads of things. But his body is not it because millions and millions of people have that body. So many people have his, what we don't know what his penis looks like, has this penis. And we're making a joke of of micro penises which affect any human that has a small penis or a micro penis.
So we can critique the systems that elevate certain bodies over others. But critiquing, including bullying and shaming is, it's not cool. It ain't, it, it ain't it. So body positivity in case you don't know. It stems from the fat acceptance movement. Now I want to read a little bit about the fat acceptance movements. They learn about it from Wikipedia, which is obviously the only source that you know is important, joking. I'm not ready. So this is what Wikipedia says about the fat acceptance movement also known as fat pride. So the fat acceptance movement also known as fat pride, fat empowerment, and fat activism is a social movement seeking to change, anti fat bias in social attitudes by raising awareness about obstacles faced by fat persons for the general public. Areas of contention include the assethic, legal and medical approaches to people whose bodies are fatter than the social norm. The modern fat acceptance movement began in the late 1960s besides its political role, the fat acceptance movement also constitutes a subculture which acts as a social group for its members. The history of the fat acceptance movement can be dated back to 1967 when 500 people met in New York central park to protest against anti-fat bias. Sociologist Charlotte Cooper has argued that the history of fat activist movement is best understood in waves similar to the feminist movement, which she believes it is closely tied. So from fat acceptance, fat pride, fat activism started in in 1967 in the 1990s. So we have this idea about accepting bodies. In the 1990s, the term body positivity was coined. And the website the body positive came about. And that is a direct connection to the work done by fat activists. And so body positivity is a political movements and it's based around making changes in the world so that fat people, marginalized people, queer bodies, disabled bodies, any type of marginalized body gets more access and the world is treated fairly, is treated like a a normal human being.
Now, fat activism was started by queer people, a lot of queer people and a lot of people of color as well. And so those different intersections to think about too. And so it's about saying, Hey, fat people or people, let's just treat them like people. Hey, stop discriminating against us. And so what people hear nowadays, and it's not surprising because of the way that Instagram and the media portrays body positivity is it's all about loving your body. And it's not, it's not actually about loving your body is a political movement to say, Hey, be cool to fat people. And if you happen through body positivity to love your fat body, amazing, that's great. But really that's not what body positivity is, but it has been co-opted by thin white women on Instagram. And they'll be like, Oh, I'm so body positive. And what they'll do is they'll show, I'm like showing you right now, you can't see me.
You can only hear me. They'll have pictures of them scrunched over, you know that their skin is rolled up. It's not actually even any fat. It's their skin is rolled up and they'll be like hashtag so brave hashtag body positivity, hashtag love my body and whatever. And it's great that they have love in their body in fight and acceptance, but they are taking the words, body positivity and showing the world that it means that we should be loving thin, white women's bodies more. And we already have that message to love thin white bodies because thin white people are the dominant class, dominant body out there. And so it's no doubt, no surprise that people are like, Oh, body positivity is light and fluffy and it's all about loving yourself. And all of that is great. That's great. But that is actually not what body positivity is. So that's just self-love. When I say just self love is so important, but it's not the political movement, which is body positivity, advocating for the rights of fat bodies. Okay.
So the next one is when people hear some people, when some people hear the term body positivity, what they hear is lazy people giving up on their health and eating donuts all day long. Like it's an excuse to be lazy and gluttonous. This is what some people hear when they hear what he positivity. And some of that message is diluted down to here. You know, folk who are into body positivity, you would be like, Oh, it's all about, you know, yeah, donuts and it's all about saying fuck it to health. And that's what it's about. And, it might be part of it, like that might be a part of your journey and it's absolutely fine if that is but it's not really accurate, right?
It's, you know, if you do want to love your body, you might happen to eat donuts. You might happen to not exercise, but it's not actually saying, right, I'm body positive, therefore I hate the idea of being healthy. Therefore, I will never eat another vegetable in my life, therefore I won't brush my teeth anymore. Therefore I'm going to engage in dangerous activities and die. That's not what it is. This is not what it is. And you see a lot of people coming into body positivity and they're like, yeah, fuck it. I'm never gonna do this. I'm never going to exercise and be healthy. And because that's what they think it is. And it's fine if that's what you want to do, if that's what they want to do. But it's kind of, it's kind of not the same thing, right?
So it's not about saying fuck it, but saying fuck it could be important and exactly what you need, but that is not what body positivity is. And the idea that body positivity is about saying fuck it. Which, you know, some parts of it is saying fuck it, you know, fuck it to the systems and fuck it to the oppression and things like that, but not fuck it in regards to your health, but you can say fuck it. Do your health too. Does that make sense? Am I making sense here? I feel like I'm contradicting myself a bit. You know, saying that you can say fuck it to your health, but that's not what body positivity is about, but you can do it, but it's not what it is about, right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Good, good. We're having a conversation here.
Okay. So body positivity another, a mistake or even fat positivity that you need to love your body. You don't, you can be into body positivity and hate your body. You don't have to want to wear a bikini and strut around. And it's not about being confident. So, you know, because it's about about elevating marginalized voices and you support that. But in your day to day life, you can't or you don't want to, or you're not in a place where you can you know, stay around the pool in a bikini or that's just not your thing. That's fine. Doesn't mean that you will bad body positivity, right? You can support and want fat people to have access to healthcare and to be paid the same and to get the same equal opportunities as everyone else, but not love your fat body or be on the adventure of coming to a place of acceptance of your fat body. And you don't have to want to be confident. You don't even have to want to love your fat body. You could be like, do you know what? I just don't like having a fat body. But even though I don't like it, I still want to advocate for my rights and other people's rights and advocate could be just following people on Instagram or it could be doing more.
So that goes into my next point of you need to quote unquote do something to support body positivity or to be an activist. Now activists, you think activity and some people think to be a body positive or fat positive activist, you have to do big things. You have to do grand gestures scary things you have to take to the streets and you have to stand up and speak. And those are all absolutely valid forms of activism. But another valid form of activism is deciding that you're not going to say awful things to yourself today or deciding that you're not going to shop in that clothes store. The only goes up to 1X or deciding to speak up when your sister is saying, Oh, that's person is ugly. That's still activism and it's what you're capable of. And if that's where you're at, that's perfect. And it could, be just something like saying something to yourself that's still activism. I see a lot of snobbery around activism of like, unless you're on the streets with holding up a sign, you're doing it wrong. You're not doing enough unless you're donating money to certain charities, you're not doing enough. Well, that's a very privileged way of looking at them. Someone I know I should really mute this person on Facebook, but like have good content apart from apart from, from time to time, getting angry with people, which is fine, you can get angry and saying why did not more people turn up to this thing, this event, this, this, this activism thing that we were doing when I see you doing other things, like, you know, going to grocery shopping with your kids or getting a cup of coffee and, and complaining that those people are not doing activism in the way that this other person wants them to do it.
We don't know what's going on with other people's lives, right? We don't know how many spoons they have. So spoons is kind of like, in the mental health field. It's kind of like how much energy, mental energy you have left for the day. And so say every day or some days you have 10 spoons, some days you have 20 spoons or whatever, some days you have two spoons of mental energy. And you know, you can only that day, you might only have two spoons and having a shower might take one spoon and making breakfast might take one spoon and you have no spoons left for doing other things. And so if you don't have any spoons to do these things, or if that's just not the way that you do activism or if you're just not interested in being an activist, that's fine, right. You do you. I spoke about this in a podcast I recorded the other day. I'll let you know when I have podcasts coming out with other people. Other people as in being on their show talking about Maslow's hierarchy of needs. And I'll probably do a whole episode about Maslow's hierarchy of needs, but basically human beings need you know, they need shelter, they need food and shelter. That's a basic thing. So shelter, food and water for them to survive. And then they go on to needing comfort and love and stable home environment. And then when they have all of these other needs fulfilled, then they're able to go into self actualization. And that's when you start being able to do self development and try and become a better person. Well, if you don't have a stable home environment, then it's very difficult to self actualize. Because you don't have that foundation to be able to take it to the next level. And so if your version of being a body positive activist is a tiny act, then that's perfect. That's fine. It doesn't mean that you're a worse or better activist than someone else who does something that you perceive as bigger or better ring, right. Okay.
My last point, my last point, I might lose some of you because of this point, because people get very angry when I discuss this point. So brace yourself. So my last point is you cannot be actively trying to lose weight being on a diet and also declare yourself to be body positive. Let me explain this. So a lot of you will be like, yeah, obviously, of course, and some people might, I don't know. But I'm, I think that people should have equal, have equality, but also I want to dye it for whatever reason, I want a smaller body.
So body positivity and trying to lose weight, being on a diet, I see them as pretty much opposite things. It's like black and white or black and a shade of gray or something. So by dieting, this thing about what we're doing when we diet, what we do when we diet is we are trying to erase a fat body or make our body less big if you're not already, if you're not fat. And so you believe if you're dieting that there should be less fat bodies in the world. If you have a fat body, if you die, you believe that you're going to get something from having a smaller body, whether that be more health, whether that be, whether that be more worth. And so you are buying into the lies that diet culture continue to perpetuate.
And so you're saying, I believe that if I get thinner, I will have more health, I will be more worthy as a person. And they lies that diet culture perpetuates and diet culture is inherently anti fat, violently anti fats. It also means if you're dieting is that you reject the science. So you're saying I don't believe in the science. I think that I'm going to be one of the one percenters that can do it. And you're not, you're not looking at the science that shows that dieting hurts people physically and mentally. Another thing that can be happening when you're dieting is your increasing the stigmatization and marginalization of fat people. Even if you're not fat. Because those around you are affected by what you're doing in your life. And if you are on a diet, what are you telling them? Even if you're not talking about it, what are you telling the people around you that smaller bodies are better, that smaller bodies equal health, that smaller bodies mean that you're more worthy, that you have a preference for a smaller body. What does it say about their bodies? You are increasing the marginalization of fat people. And we mentioned before what body positivity is, is aiming to decrease the marginalization of fat bodies. And in something you're doing, you're doing the opposites, right? So it's like saying I'm a feminist, but for myself, I think that women should have less rights. And you know, women, you know, they're very emotional and women is best if they are caregivers because really that's not a man's role, you know? And so it's kind of like, you're a feminist because, it doesn't seem like it. It seems like you're reality equality there. Is there a lot of people get really hot under the collar about this fact and they're like, but I want to continue dieting. And I also want to say that I'm a body positive advocate. Now of course you can continue dieting. You do you, your body, you do what you want, right? And also this isn't count for people who just happen to lose weight, just cause you know, that's what human bodies do. They lose weight and they gain weight. That's just life, right? And so it's about the intentional act of trying to manipulate the size of your body, which we know is not successful and makes you bigger. So that's what I'm saying, like trying to manipulate the size of your body. So if you were just happen to become thin, then whatever, you know, it doesn't mean that you're not also body positive, but if you're engaging in activities that increase the marginalization of fat bodies you can't, you know, have on the other hand of I want to help fat bodies not be because you're doing something that hurts fat bodies.
So, but you know, what I say to people is but then people are like, Oh, but I think that people should love their bodies. Well, you know what that is? That's self love. It's self love. It's just the act of self acceptance and that's cool. You can be in self-acceptance and also wants to diet. But body positivity is a political movement, right? Does that make sense? Are you picking up what I'm putting down? Are you smelling what I'm cooking, right. So body positivity is a political movement and self love. I don't know if this is a political movement or not. I don't know. I don't know about the histories of history of self love, but it probably is political in some ways, you know, in a lot of ways probably I'm thinking about it. And so yeah, so it can be self-love.
You can be into confidence and or body autonomy and all that type of stuff. It also diet, but claiming that badge or you know, that badge of honor of body positive advocate or activist and also actively trying to lose weight. It just doesn't go hand in hand. And you're not a bad person if you want to lose weight, you're not a bad person. If you're on a diet, you're not a bad person if you're not into body positivity or if you, you know, whatever you do, it's, this stuff is so complicated, right? It's so complicated and you get so many different messages and so it's okay if you're still dipping your toe into it and learning more. You know, it's the what really grinds my gears. What really gets on my tits, what gets some my tits is the people who should know better.
And so people who have massive followings, hundreds of thousands of people and they're like, love your body by this shit, your panty love your body. I lost X amount of pounds. Especially if they have like in their profile is like body positive, whatever. And they're on this weight loss thing. It makes me want to stab pins into my eyeballs in frustration. Cause I'm like, no, no, no. Because why is why I get frustrated is because people are getting the wrong message of I can die my way into loving myself. I can die at my way into making a better world for people who look like me. And the truth is it's so fucking hard to love yourself if you're trying to erase yourself. It's so hard to love yourself if you were trying to erase yourself. And so these Instagram accounts that have massive followings who were advocating for weight loss and also love your body.
It's like the way I see it and there's a fork in the road in your life of am I going to continue dieting and there's the other side is am I going to try to accept and love my body? Not that that's what body positivity is, but you know, I'm just on this tangent. Am I going to try and love and accept my body? And they're two separate paths really. Sometimes I might weave together a little bit, but really they're two separate destination and it's very difficult to choose between the two because dieting, you know, if we had, if you're walking on a trail and it'd be like a sign for dieting, dieting this way, when you reach the end destination with dieting, you're going to have this gorgeous body. You're going to be ripped, you're going to be toned, you're going to be strong, you're going to be healthy, you're going to be so happy.
People are going to be looking at your body and saying, Oh my God, have you seen her? She looks so good. You're gonna feel like you can do anything. That's what the advertised, you know, dieting is. The reality is, you know, it's like that, you know, that episode of the Simpsons where they get abducted by aliens and then there's a book, they find a book about how to cook, how to cook humans, and then there's dust on it and then they rub it off and it'd be like, how to cook four humans. And then it'd be like they rubbed the dust off again and it says how to cook forty humans. And they rubbed out dust stuff again of how to cook four forty humans. And it's like that, you know, if we rub the dust off the diet sign, we can see, there'll be an asterick saying, 99% of people will not reach the destination.
You know? And even if you do reach your destination results are not guaranteed or typical or likely to ever happen. You know, tiny little ass drinks. And right at the bottom. But then we see the sign for the self love self-acceptance and it says this is a steep route. This is difficult, you know, advanced climbers only and you just like, ah, and at the end it says at the end, who knows, who knows what's going to happen but it's difficult. It's so easy just to go down the diet route, right? But what we don't know is actually the diet route two is really difficult and there's like gillies and there's bits where there's like crocodiles and you have to swing over like tiles and most people die on the way to the root, to the end of it.
And the other people who finished the self love roots, there's so much stronger after doing it. So they're might common things of what people get wrong about body positivity. Now I don't tend to use the word body positivity as much any more because I mentioned before it has been co-opted by by companies by thin white women. And it's been commercialized and it's been turned into something that's very light. And fluffy something that is very very different from what it is. And so I say, you know, fat activism, I don't like saying fat acceptance because for me like it's fine but for me, acceptance is, you know, fat tolerance. Like can we just tolerate these fatties. I like fat positivity. Yeah, fat, pride. But whatever, you kno, you can use what you like. Like you might really jive with the term body positivity. That's cool. I did for a long time and now I feel like I want to state that I'm more radical. I don't want people to look at say my Instagram page and if I say body positivity, I don't want them to think that I don't want them to think that I might be anti-fat because there's lots of people who proclaim to be body positive but are in fact anti fat. And we see that in a lot of feminist spaces of you know, love your body. But then they will not advocate for fat bodies. They will not stand up when there is bigotry against fat people because underneath they're like ahhhhh, but all my healthy. But ah, is it good for people to see fat people burning? You know, are you glorifying a recent team wrong? You know that type of bullshit.
So I want to be more radical and say specifically fat acceptance. So people are not confused as to my intentions and my intentions is to say, Hey, fat bodies are cool. Let's just treat fat people like people. Which is a crazy notion. I know. I really want to stop saying I keep, I really want to stop saying crazy. I've been trying for I've done really well actually. I've been trying for the last maybe two years to take it from my vocabulary. But I need a Thesaurus. Look at Thesaurus, right is such a word that I keep going back to. And I'm like, no stomach. Maybe a couple of more years and it'd be totally gone from my mouth. The reason why is because it's ablest it's a saying. The having mental health issues is something bad, right. Which I don't believe.
Hey, guess what? I'm watching a show and I'm fucking loving it and I think you might be able to get it wherever you live in the world for free. Now for British listeners, you might be like yeah, we heard about the show like 50 years ago, but because I've been living in Canada for the last 10 years and I'm back in Europe for a bit. I'm catching up on all of the British shows that I missed that were being advertised at the time when I didn't know that they were on or whatever. But years ago, I think maybe when the book first came out. I read the book and the book is called My Mad Fat Teenage Diary. My Mad Fat Teenage Diary by Rae Earl and it'sMa masterpiece. It's so good. And so read the book if you want to read the book. It's based on Rae, the author. Her diary from when she was 16, 17 years old about how she's fat. She just got out of a hospital because she had mental health issues. And she's a virgin and boys don't like her because she's fat and she's really struggling because of a mental health and she's trying to make friends and she's not cool enough. But if she called and she's a funny one and it feels like the, it's just my life when I was a kid apart from, you know, being in hospital because of my mental health. But they made it into a TV show and so in 2013 they made into a TV show called my Mad Fat Diary British comedy drama.
And you can stream it on channel4.com. Hyperlink and see if this link works for you, but you'll have to. So channel4 is a British TV station and they, every station has the opportunity for people to stream. And I always thought, because I'm in Ireland, I'm in the Republic of Ireland. That I couldn't get it because I'm not in the UK now if I travel an hour into Northern Ireland, that's classed as the UK. And then I thought I'd have to go to the UK to stream. And so if I ever, you know, stay in Northern Ireland, I can, you know, download BBC shows and all that type of stuff. But my sister told me, no, you don't, it doesn't track your location. And so in the Republic of Ireland, I was able to go onto channel4.com and you just put in your address. And so obviously say that you've got a British address, you know, like 10 Downing Street or Buckingham palace or whatever. Probably don't use that because I'll probably be like, Oh, you're the queen signing up for a channel4.com account. I don't know, find out an address and postcode of some random address and sign up and see if it works in your country. It was for me and I'm not in the UK currently and there's loads of really goods channel4 shows. But anyway, this one so good. I'm into season two, series two as you know, series three. Now I've been obsessed with it and it's just so cathartic to see basically a representation of my teenage hood and the frustrations and not being able to communicate cause you're a teenager and the pain of living in a fat body and my body size at the time was pretty similar to the actresses body size. And it's just, it's feel good. It's funny. And it's definitely watch. Yeah. And some people were like, this came out in 2013. This is not no news, but I'm telling you I missed out on it because I was in Canada.
So see if you can download it, I'll put a link in the show notes that will be at fiercefatty.com/019, episode 19. And also in there there'll be a link for you to join my free training. And so my free training is the Free Training: The 4 Simple Steps to Feel Confident in Your Body and Around Food ... Even If You Believe It's Not Possible. So sign up for that free training. Oh my God. And do you know what, something just popped into my head.
We know about this whole episode of talking about like what body positivity is or isn't. I'm obviously like a fat activist, but also I think it's really important to be confident in your body and be into and to love yourself. And so it's just different, you know things in what I believe. And I also believe that people should be intuitive eaters and to heal their relationship with food and all that type of stuff. And so that's just like, I want to say stick in a row of sticks, but that's really shit analogy. One cake slice, in a cake in a whole cake, from what my brain is saying. Making total sense with them, glad you can understand what I am saying. So yeah, so that's just, you know, one part of what I believe.
And I want it to make this episode so that we can kind of be on the same page about this topic and then we can move on to I love talking about shifting your beliefs and that's really important for me is shifting negative beliefs. And so, one more episodes on that. So let me see what I've got coming up episodes I've got coming up. Am I addicted to food? You're not giving up if you accept your body and stop dieting, how pursuing health can be problematic. So yeah, there's some episodes coming up. And I will be having more episodes where I am interviewing people. I have a barrier there. There's some block in my brain about doing that. I need to work on it. I need to work on it. I'm telling you. Yeah. Do you want guests? We had Nicola, she was fucking amazing. People loved that episode. Do you want guests tell me, message me, Instagram, me, email me, victoria@fiercefatty.com Tell me and yeah.
Okay. I'm going to let you go. Thank you for hanging out with me today on this episode, and I will see you in the next episode, my Fierce Fatty. Have an incredible rest of your day. Okay, bye.
EP18 Transcript
Hello and welcome to episode 18 of the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I am your host, Victoria Welsby and today's episode we are talking about the good fatty versus bad fatty dichotomy. Let's do it.
You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm Victoria Welsby, TEDx speaker, best selling author, and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self-esteem to being a courageous and confident Fierce Fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living in a fat body is bad, but what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century. So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty Podcast. Let's begin.
Hello. Hello. Hello. Welcome to this episode. I'm so pleased to have your back or if this is the first episode you're listening to, welcome to Fierce Fatty land where all the fatties run around together and dance and sing and do loads of fat stuff together. Wouldn't that be amazing? A fat camp, but not like a fat camp like you have in America where they try and make you lose weight, but a fat camp where we all just be fat and amazing. I just had dreams. I'm coming to you today from a very stormy Ireland. I'm looking over the the sea right now on the waves are huge. We're in storm Siara or Kiarra. I don't know what happened anyway, how we're pronouncing it, but that's what it is. And it's been hailey and rainy and snowy and sunshiny and windy and rainy. And I let Douggie out this morning. Douggie, my dog to do wee and it was sunshiny. And as soon as I shut the door to let him out, all of a sudden this wild hailstorm came and started hailing on him and he was like, Oh, I don't like the asshole. Oh my God, let me back in. And so I let him back in immediately and he was like shaking and not from cold, but from scare, from being scared. And I was like, Oh my God, Douggie, I'm so sorry. And he wouldn't eat his breakfast because he was so frightened. He's a very sensitive dog. But then he eventually ate his breakfast like a couple of hours later. After he'd calmed down from the big hail on his nose or wherever, wherever hit in. That hail is painful, right. I went out in it yesterday and I was like, what the fuck? Oh my God, get in the car. Come on. I was saying to me and Douggie cause it was a thing. Anyway, I'm all snuggled as a bug here though in the house looking out over the wind isn't that nice when you can hear all the wind and rain and stuff outside and you're nice and warm. So that's where I'm at.
And I wanted to share something with you. Just to show you something because I got a bad review for the podcast. And I want you to tell you about it. You're like, why are you excited about that Victoria? Because I just want you to make a point about something. I actually got it in three months ago, but I hadn't noticed because I hadn't looked at my Itunes, my Apple podcasts reviews because when someone does a review, they normally email me and let me know and then I sent him my book. But these people didn't. And so there's people that are here who could get a free book, but you're not, but maybe you've already got the book or whatever. But anyway, so I checked and I got a bad review. Let me read it to you. I've got two stars which is still pretty good. Thank you for the two stars. I could've got one. And it's from Blow Source. I'm obviously not still listening to the podcast because a Blow Source review starts with irritating, decent production values. Thank you very much. But the host's personality and arrogant tone, great on me. Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. And the rest of my reviews are all five-star saying like, love, love, love. This is amazing. It's my soul. Happy, outstanding, fantastic. Listening over and over. Confident. Great. Love it. I love the podcast and why I wanted to share the negative review with you is because people are going to love and hate you no matter what you do.
People are going to misunderstand you. So this person saying I have an arrogant tone. A lot of people might think, yeah, she's so arrogant. Oh my God, she loves herself so much and that might be absolutely true for them. That's their perception of me. And for other people it's just like, no, she's just sassy or she's just confident. And whenever a woman is confident that people are like, Oh, they're arrogant because we don't have enough representation of strong, confident women in our media or whatever. And so if you doubt for a second that people are going to love your hate, your whatever, I want you to go to think of your most favorite movie or your, the book you would read and it changed your life and you just, every single word is perfection. It couldn't be any better. Go and read the reviews.
It's better if you go on like Amazon or something because then you'll get a real range of society and you'll have people being like, Oh my God, this changed my life. This is amazing. And you're going to have people who are like, this is a big bag of dog shirt. The author or writer or director needs to never do anything like this ever again. It's an embarrassment and that's just life, right? You always going to have people who love you and you're always going to have people that hate you. Now getting that review saying that I'm irritating. My personality is grating and I'm arrogant. I could be like, Oh shit, I need to tone down my personality. I need to stop being so irritating. Now, if I did that, not that I'm out there being like, do you know what?
I'm going to be really irritating today. But obviously there's something about me that this person finds irritating, so I could try and tone myself down. Not too sure what they find irritating, but why don't I could just turn everything down a bit. I could just not be me just a little bit more. So this person or people like that person, or not irritated by me, but would the people who wrote the five star reviews believing a five star review, then would it be a four star review? Would it be no review or you could still be a five star review, right? Why not just be the version of me that attracts and repels versus a version of me, which doesn't exist in real life, which is somewhere in the middle that neither attracts nor repels, which is what I did in most of my life is I try to make everyone happy and something that I learned when I was doing my TEDx talk. I'll link to it in the show notes. Someone told me, I can't remember who told me, I wish I did that no matter what you do in your TEDx talk, because I was on the fence about taking my clothes off or not. And even up until a few days before, I wasn't sure, should I take my clothes off, you know, not, I had two different speaking coaches. One said, I think you should do it. It'll be amazing. And the other side, I don't think you should do it. It'd be inappropriate. It could ruin things for you. And, I kinda got down to like, what do I want to do? And someone said to me, listen, no matter what you do, even if you stood on the stage and just did a poop, just pull down your trousers, lifted up your skirt, and just pooed on the stage and walked off.
Or if you delivered the most, you know, touching and heartbreaking and speech ever, there will always be 10% of people who hate you. 10% of people who love you. And 80% is going to be somewhere in the middle. So what do I want to do? Do I want to be the real authentic me? And that real authentic me is the one that flops out how long tits on stage, or maybe do a poo or whatever it is you want to do. And how the 10% of people who love you love you for the real year, right? Versus say if you did something which you know, if you lived your life in a way that is not authentic to you, you'll have the 10% of people who love you, love a version of you that is not true to you. Right? Right, right.
So yeah, bad reviews. Just want you to share that with you. And you might be like, Victoria, I love you. This person has written a bad review is wrong and don't listen to them or whatever. But you know, whatever people think about me or say about me has got nothing to do with me. It has got everything to do with them, right. Really, because you know the people who are leaving all these nice reviews. What is going on in their life that makes them take the time out of their day to write something nice about a stranger on the internet. Cause that's not a small thing. I have literally probably only ever written two podcast reviews and my whole life and I listen to podcasts all the time, like at least one a day. And so I don't generally go out of my way unless someone specifically asked me, Hey, can you review my podcast? Which is why I've probably left two reviews. I don't go out of my way to leave a review. And so these people have gone out their way to do that. What does that say about them? It says a lot about them, right? That they like this content, that they want this podcast to make an impact. And they think others should listen and they want to share, or maybe they're doing it because they want to support me or whatever the reasons is. It's not to do with me, it's to do with them. And the same with any negative reactions. We don't know what's going on in this person's life. You know, they didn't write anything mean. It's just, it's just an opinion, right. And maybe, you know, they're saying irritating. Maybe they had a friend once who sounded just like me and they're like, Oh, that British bitch, I hate her.
And they like ruined their lives or something. And then as soon as I heard my voice, they were like, Oh my God, who is she? She's the worst. So yeah. Anyway, that's a bit of a long tangent or to start off with 10 minutes, not so long. But yeah, seriously, if you ever, you know, worry that, you know, worry about doubt your greatness or doubt what you should be doing or doubt if you should be wearing that crop top or if you should be, you know, speaking up or whatever it is, just know, unfortunately you're going to get, you're going to get criticism, but you're also going to get people who love you, not that you need people who love you but and that's just the way the world works.
So let's talk about the good fatty versus bad fatty dichotomy. Now this is so interesting and you might have never heard about good fatty, bad fatty or you might have already, but we're going to go on a deep dive into that today. And I'll explain what they mean and how they impact us and how buying into the good fatty, bad fatty dichotomy is, can be stopping you from truly loving yourself. So dichotomy, just in case you haven't come across that word before. Dichotomy, so says the internet, a division of, or contrast between two things that are or are represented as being opposed or entirely different. Okay. So it's like two different things. And let me start out by reading a little excerpt from Reagan Chastain's blog, Dances with Fat, if you've never come across dances with fat. Donald says with fat by Reagan Chastain is the first place that I ever learn about fat phobia and the fact that the fat people should be treated like we're humans. Strange, right? I was like, what? We should be treated with humanity, get out of here. And I remember being in bed just reading Dances with Fat and the blogs and just being like, Oh my God, Oh my God.
And then, you know, turning into my then boyfriend being like, did you know, did you know? And he was like, well, anyway, there's loads of, she's a prolific writer. And so you can just uneasy it as well. You can search our site. So if there's anything that you're like, Oh, I wonder what Reagan thinks about this. And anyway, fangirling. so what Reagan says about good, fatty, bad fatty. And then I'll explain more about what good and bad fatty is. So the good fatty, bad fatty dichotomy, originally named by the fabulous Kate Harding happens when people try to divide fat people up into two categories and suggest that one group deserves to be treated better than the other group. Good fatties are seen as doing the quote unquote right thing by people who think they have the right to judge.
It may be that they are seen eating how they dress, their current health slash ability, whether or not they engage in movement, the type of movement they engage in and bad fatties are those who are seen as doing the quote unquote wrong things based on those same criteria. So that's from Reagan Chastain, Dances with Fat. So the idea is that say if you think of fat people, say if you knew nothing about fat positivity or body positivity or anything like that, the general population will think about fat people in certain ways and they will categorize fatties as a more palatable version of a fatty or a less palatable version. So a more palatable version of a fatty to society is a fatty who knows their fat and knows that there is a really big issue with the fact that they're fat and they're doing things like they're on a diet.
So they're like, I know I'm fat and I know it's bad to be fat, but high. I'm doing everything I can to lose this weight. They do things like eat, quote unquote healthy foods or work out a lot. Do you know, go to the gym or go running on the street or whatever. You know, you see those memes of you know, don't make fun of fat people when they're in the gym. At least they're trying to do something about it. So that is, you're a good fatty, good fatty is also. So this is according to society, so just because you happen to like working out doesn't mean that your subscribing to this good fatty thing and you're like, I'm a good fatty is it's to do with the way that people perceive fat people. So if you're just like, Oh, I just like working out, am I doing something wrong?
No, that's not what we're talking about. Go and workout or no. Do what you want, right? Another way that a good fatty is perceived as a good fatty is they're the types of clothes that they wear. Are they fashion forward? Are they doing makeup and do they wear high heels and do they subscribe to trends and are they cool? Right? And another good fatty is a fatty who is funny, right? You know, the funny fat guy and probably they're making a lot of fat phobic jokes. They're probably making jokes about their, you know, how fat and horrible they are, how they can't see their penis, how they've not had sex in years, and how, you know, they're just so fat and disgusting. And, and that is very nonthreatening to society because, you know, fat jokes like that, it's like, I know what my place is in society.
Don't worry, I'm not trying to, you know, take any of that privilege that you have because I know I'm disgusting, right? And a good fatty is, you know, outwardly fat phobic. There will be like, Oh yeah, fat people who are obesity epidemic, all that type of stuff. Now that is like a very rough kind of guideline and a bad fatty would be doing things like eating quote unquote unhealthy food. So foods that society have decided that we shouldn't be eating. So a bad fatty would be a fat person who is eating a pizza in public or eating an ice cream or whatever. And you know, someone would walk by and see that fat person eating something that they quote unquote shouldn't be and will be more likely to be like, Oh, look at them. Typical, typical fat person eating a slice of pizza.
A bad fatty would be someone who doesn't move their body. Again, this is according to the way society views. So if you don't move your body, you're not, it's not that you're a bad fatty or you know, anything like that. You know, society is way more sympathetic to a fatty who is outgoing for a run versus a fatty who's out, you know, watching a Netflix marathon. So doing a marathon or watching a Netflix marathon, there's two different perceptions that you'd get from the general public because of those two things. Yeah. So a bad fatty too is maybe someone who was like, Hey don't be mean to fat people. People, you know, the types that these are the types of people that straight sized people and just society in general get mad about, like so typical. Look at them, look at them just sitting on the sofa and eating food.
Like they need food to survive or something. Oh my God, I can't believe it. So that is what good fatty and bad fatty is about. Now I engage in both of all of those types of behaviors are good and bad, right? and so it's not that we should try and not do certain things or do certain things, but examine what we are getting from doing certain things. I'm not doing certain things and how I'm trying to become or be a good fatty could be holding us back from loving ourselves. Because we want the wider world to know that we know we're horrible and disgusting and we're trying to change and all that type of stuff. And if you do engage in quote unquote bad fatty behaviors, you're going to be met with anger and disgust and disdain. And if you are engaging in good fatty behaviors, then you're going to be encouraged.
Good for you trying to lose weight and celebrated and probably pitied like, Oh, she's trying so hard. I feel sorry for her for being so fat and horrible. And maybe one day she'll be thin and people are going to skin be like, Oh my God, I can't wait to see where you're going on your journey, how you're working so hard and don't worry. One day you're going to be thin and it's going to be amazing. And what we're trying to do with those types of behaviors is we are trying to be accepted. We are trying to get more privilege by not experiencing as much oppression, not experiencing as much oppression. Jesus, why is oppression such a hard word for me today? So the thing is we can really work to experience less oppression if you're living in a fat body, because that's always going to be that, you know, generally if you're just walking around and you know, you're just experiencing life.
You can't always be engaging in these good fatty or bad fatty behaviors, right? Because you're a human being and you're not just one that one thing. So talking about good fatty attributes as a positive thing is justifying why we should be included, right? So think about how you're talking or, or justifying fat people. Like I used to do this a lot when I first came to body positivity. I'd be like, Oh, fat people can be healthy. Now, I talk about this a lot because I know this is a barrier for people because they're like, well but fat people can't be healthy. But it'd be a big thing of but fat people can be healthy and fat people do work out on fat. People do eat healthy foods. You know, I'd be thinking like that, like fat people are just like, you thin people is what I would be.
You know, in my head talking about being like fat people can be as good as thin people. So is that making it more palatable for you to be getting into fat positivity or body positivity to know that, but I can be healthy if I want to. I can. That's subscribing to the good fatty, bad fatty dichotomy. And we're not all just like one thing, right? We're all a myriad of different things and different behaviors and attitudes and we're not all just good fat. You're bad fatty. It's not helpful to think of people as, you know, this black and white thing. And we, I always avoided my whole life trying to be bad fatty. I did not want to be seen as a bad fatty. I would do ridiculous things really. Most ridiculous thing I used to do would be, I would eat with small cutlery. So if I was eating a bowl of cereal instead of eating with a spoon, like a normal spoon, I would eat with a teaspoon because I'd be like, okay, Oh, I'm so delicate and gentle. I could only manage two Cheerio's look how tiny my spoon is. Why not greedy? I'm not greedy. Like the other bad fatties who we were the ladle, right? I'm not like paddle eating cereal, bad fatty. I just, I just eat Cheerios. I'm so tiny. To try and fool people being like, Oh, look at, ah, right. Oh eight in certain types of food in front of people and never eating other types of food because you know, you didn't want them. I didn't want them people to be like, Ooh, look at her eating a chip. Oh, can't believe it. No wonder she so far. I want it to be seen as good. And so I would do things like run. I hated running. It was so fucking boring. Running for me is boring. Cool. If you love it, that's you, just you do you. But for me it would just be running. When I move my body, I like moving my body because it's fun. Like I'm having a dance, I'm having a groove, I'm jiggling my fat or whatever. I guess running. You do a lot of fat jiggling.
Well I did because my fat jiggle when I ran, but I was running because I really believe like, okay, this is what thin people do is that they run, which is, you know, I'll see. That's a problematic statement in itself. But that's what I believed and if then people saw me running and thin people saw me doing like the 10K. I did a 10K and in Vancouver they'd say, Oh yeah, look at her working so hard to try to not be fat. And I felt more assured in myself and it was safer for me to behave in those ways because at that time I didn't have the capability to stand up for myself and I couldn't handle if someone did say something like, why are you eating that? Cause I was so deeply filled with shame that there's no way that I could be like, because I fucking want to, what the hell?
Why the hell are you talking to me about while I'm eating? Get out of here. I would just, you know, someone questioned me about a quote unquote bad fatty behavior. I would just, you just kill me. I would just shrivel and die and hide because it wasn't safe, right? I wasn't at that place where I could engage in bad fatty behaviors, which is, you know, we all engage in all of these behaviors, right? We all eat healthy food and eat unhealthy food as much that there is unhealthy and healthy food because that's not really a thing. We all, you know, don't move our bodies, you know, cause we sleep, right? We all engage in all types of things, right. And obviously I say, Oh, but he's know not always all. Yeah. So we know we're not just a good fat, you're a bad fatty but by embracing body positivity or fat positivity, we are stepping into that bad fatty place. And now for me, I'm just like, yeah bad fatty stuff like Whoo, eat the pizza or whatever and it's a celebration to me. But it's really fucking scary because like I mentioned before, people are going to notice and are going to judge and could be making comments to you and you might not be ready to handle what they're going to say or they might not say anything or even what your brain is thinking about the whole thing. So if you're engaging in good fatty behaviors and you know it's not actually what you want to do, you might be engaging in good fatty behaviors and it's exactly what you want to do. You love you know, working out or eating these foods or whatever and that's fine and it serves you then, then that's perfect. But you might be engaging in behaviors that don't serve you. And like I mentioned me going for a run or going to the gym.
Oh my God, gym was so boring. But everyone, I used to work at this call center and after the shift, everyone at the call center would go to the same gym and you'd be like, Oh look, look at us all on the treadmill. Working out is so good. So amazing. And so yeah, you might not be able to stop engaging in those behaviors because it might not be safe for you. It might not be physically, emotionally safe. It might not be good for your well being. You might not be in a place where you can do that. So I just want to put that out there. If you are engaging in these behaviors to keep yourself safe and you recognize. Actually, I don't want to be doing this, but you need to because of whatever reason that's going on in your life, that's fine.
Like, you know what's best for you, right? So don't be like, Oh my God, I'm doing it wrong. I'm trying to be body positive, but I'm like eating loads of kale and I shouldn't be, I should only be in pizza and no, that's not what I'm saying. No, no, no. But just to recognize that you don't have to adhere to what society thinks that you should do to be more palatable. Now there's a really cool zine that Stacy Bias has created and it's all about the good fatty archetypes and Stacy has identified 12 of them. I'm not going to go through all 12 today, but I'm going to give you an idea because it goes even deeper into good fatty, bad fatty. So I'm going to link to this. You can actually buy this zine. It's so good.
I remember seeing this when I first got into fat positivity and I was like, yo, this is amazing. But there's these different types of fat people or archetypes or tropes are more palatable. So let me share some with you. Okay. So the fact, the first one, the fat one, the first one is the fats unicorn. And so this is a fat person who engages in healthy eating daily exercise. When they go to the doctor, they have perfect lab reports. They are absolutely healthy. So these fat people don't engage in the typical behaviors that are associated with fat people. They're basically the poster child for health at every size. Of what, you know, if we have to tolerate a fat body, we would want them to be this, you know, this type of fat body that is a good, you know, engages in all the types of behaviors that, you know, society says that we should.
So you might be looking at that fat unicorn trope archetype and that be your kind of hope or example of, see I can be a good person. See, I can be healthy and therefore worthy. So it's absolutely beautiful and fine if you if health is something that you want to pursue and something that you you know, that's a goal of yours or your, you know, it was a big, is a big thing about your personality, whatever, that's absolutely fine. But is it that you're getting self worth from a certain health status or hope that you can achieve this health status?
So the next archetype is the fat athlete or the fatathlete, fatathlete, the fatathlete known as the exceptional fatty. So this is an athlete who does things like is an accomplished dancer, you know, like, so Beyoncé's backup dancers, some of them are fatties and so people are like, Oh, they're fat. But they are like. Did you see how long we were dancing at Coachella? They were dancing like for three hours straight like Holy shit. So they don't really qualify as being fat because they're an athlete or you remember, you remember like we have the same brain a couple of years ago there was a young fat ballerina, her name is escape me at the moment and she became viral and I, she was probably on Ellen and all those types of things. And she was like doing pirouettes and jumping into the air and there was also another video of a fat man doing that. Now those types of fat people are celebrated because they are an athlete. Now you know, the same thing, not that this wouldn't happen before for various reasons, but if there was a fat person, you know, just eat an ice cream or, or not moving, then they wouldn't go viral because that was boring. But also because that's, you know, that's not the palatable good fatty.
So the next one is the work in progress. And this is a fat person who was like, I know I'm fat and I am going to get thin. So they're dieting, they're doing some quote unquote wellness thing, which is a diet or maybe they're looking to get the the stomach surgery or taking pills to make them poo themselves or anything like that. The working progresses. I'm not a fat person. I am a thin person temporarily living in a fat person's body, even though I've been fat my whole life. But the real thin me is coming out, and this is a temporary thing. So don't be judging me as a fat person because I'm not a fat person. I'm going to be thin soon. Okay. Like not a fatty, this is, you know, you're not really a fatty because you just waiting for that thin person to come out.
The next is the fat celebrity, the fat celebrity. They are the ambassadors of fatness. So think like Adele , Rebel Wilson, Beth Ditto, Melissa McCarthy
On the subject of Rebel Wilson. The amount of people that come up to me and they're like, Oh my God. Yeah. you are just like Rebel Wilson. No, if I had a dollar for every time someone said that to me, I'd have probably about six dollars. That means hell. Yeah. Like I always think like is that because Rebel Wilson is the only funny fat person that you can think of, you know? And so you're like, Oh my God, you'd just like her. So I get it all the time, even though I don't look like her anymore. I used to look like her cause I had long blonde hair, but now I have short hair. So yes. So they, so fat celebrity, they are these extraordinary artists, right? They're an exception to the rule because they are, you know, the funny one that a sidekick, they, they serve us in different ways, right? They entertain us. And so we can kind of excuse, I'm doing quotation marks, excuse their fatness because they're doing you know, things to make us happy or entertained or whatever.
Next, we have the mama hen. So the maternal fat body and so maternal fat bodies, you know, you're not your grandma, your mom, those types of fatties, they are seen as more acceptable because it's seen as more acceptable in that position because you know, it's soft and homely and warm. And, and what Stacy Bias says is the maternal fat body exists as a metaphor for compassion and comfort as well. She says the maternal fat body doesn't need to be an aging body at all. This stereotype works to dismantle the natural sexuality of many fat women of all ages.
Okay, so the next one, the next archetype or trope is the big man. So this is the powerful man metaphorically and physically. So men who are seen as the protector, the bear, the beast, the strong man or even the clown and it's related to the fat athlete, the fat fat fleet, but more relevant to the family. In the big man is sometimes the unlikely hero. And they're probably sweet and vulnerable that the good guy you know, they're the guy that you would end up with after dating. Those are jerks and you kind of like settle with the big guy. That's the, you know, the trope. And as well as there's also comedy tied in with that. Next one. Next trope is the no fault fatty. So this is one that I think about quite a lot is the, that when people find out or know that their fatness has been caused by something that is out of their control, they feel a lot better about it versus say they affect for a reason that they blame themselves.
For now, if he's all the BBC TV show in it, we did these tests, they took our DNA and they were going to look to see what genes we had in our bodies that made us more likely to be fat. Things like in your family you might have certain fat genes and so your mom and dad could carrier your mom can carry a fat gene and carry a fat gene. And together if, you, you know, they procreate then that that child is way more likely to be fat. There could be genes that make you less feel less satiated, so you need to eat more. There could be genes that make you enjoy foods that have higher calories and higher fat. There could be genes that you have that mean that you don't want to move your body as much.
There's loads of different things anyway. And so I allowed them to take my DNA only because I want it to be in the room apart of the discussion, but I actually didn't want to know any of my results. The guy accidentally revealed one of my results and I was just like, ah, I don't want to, I personally don't care whatever either way. But for the viewing audience, I didn't want to share that. I had a quote unquote excuse to be fat as in if you don't have an excuse then your, there's something wrong with you. And so a fatty has a quote unquote excuse, like, I don't know, say taking certain medication, a certain illness something happens where your body gets bigger because of something outside of your control. Then these people are seen as way more power to than people who don't have a quote unquote excuse.
Now in the house, the BBC show, they went round and every single person there had different genes that made them more likely to be fat and made it harder for them to be thinner people. And all of the people there were the people who didn't like being fat. They were over the moon. And the reason they were happy with these results is because it put them into a category in their brains that I'm okay, it's not my fault. I didn't do this to myself. And that's problematic. And I'm guessing like, Oh, that's what they were thinking because, you know, I don't actually know, but I'm just, I'm guessing the people can, you know, their family and the people watching the show can look at them and be like, it's not their fault guys. It's not their fault that they are fat and disgusting and really ugly unlike that guy over there that all he does is eat loads of food or whatever it is.
And so are you thinking about like, Oh, maybe it's not my fault that I'm fat or you know, I'm only fat because of this and so it's not my fault. And are you putting you know weight on that as being a good thing? And are you looking at people who don't have a quote unquote excuse and being like, Hmm, well, what did they do? It's their fault and me know they deserve less sympathy in your brain than other people. Okay. And so the last one I want to tell you, because I'm not going through all of them, I'll leave only the recipe you to discover yourself when you clicked the link is the fatshionista. So the fat fashionista, and we spoke about this before, is the fats person who is dressed really nice and fashion forward.
And of course this is an issue for larger fats, for super fats, for infiniefats, they don't have easy access to fat fashion you know, things because of course there's hardly any stores that carry sizes above 4X, 5X, 6X, et cetera. And you have to have the financial resources to do this. But when a fat person think about this, like if a straight sized person comes they're walking around and they're just in their sweatsuit, they're sweating suit, they're wearing their sweating suit, their hair's in a messy burn and you know, they just got the sunglasses on and they just look at, you know, their clothes are a little bit schlumpy versus if there was a fat person who had the exact same outfit on you, the thin person, you'd be like, Oh, they're just, you know, they're are casual and they look cool and they're just having a relaxed day or as a fat person wearing more schlumpy type clothes, you're just like, Oh my God, pull yourself together.
Have you no respect. You know, you're fat. You could at least dress up to try and, you know, you know, polishing a turd type of thing and you might, if you like dressing up, I personally do too, then that's fine. You don't have to not dress up. But this is again, reminder the way that people perceive fat people. You might also be putting spending a lot of time on hair and makeup and that type of stuff after kind of going through like, do I like doing this? I worked out personally, I'm not a massive fan of high heels. But I am a fan of like doing my hair and I'm interested in makeup and all that type of stuff because I like it not because I'm trying to be more palatable, but again, if you're doing it to be more palatable, to keep yourself safe and that's what you need to do, that's absolutely fine too.
But by being a fatshionista so you're defying the stereotype of dumpy, the dumpy, fatty and as well fashionistas tend to be more hourglass shaped fatties and so hour glass shape fatties this is another one is, you know, people will celebrate our glass shape fatties but if you're a fatty, we have tiny tits, flat bum, big tummy, you know, an apron, anything like that, then that is not seen as, as acceptable as a fatty that is more sexualized, right? It's all about, it's all about what these fat people can do for us in society.
So, whew, good fatty, bad fatty, so you don't have to do anything on the good fatty or the bad fatty side. You'd just be, you just do what you want to do. But, be critical about the way that you are thinking about other fats and yourself. Are you thinking about yourself in that terms of well at least I'm doing X, Y, Z, and these are the types of behaviors that, that we try to engage in to try and lessen our impact on the world in a negative way but fuck that, right? So instead of things saying things like, yeah, but I'm fat but I'm healthy, or you know that that guy over there, he's fat, but he works out loads, he's actually really muscle-y. It's all just muscle. Those types of things are problematic, right? Versus just, you know, whatever. They're a fat person who cares, you know, if they eat in a certain way or move their bodies or whatever is, you know, none of our business basically. So hopefully that's been helpful. And I mentioned before like holding on to these, these tropes and buying into this, you know, I have to be a good fatty or you know, I have to engage in bad fatty stuff.
If I I want to be fat positive, I'm holding on to any types of rules is you know, could be keeping you stuck and holding on to wanting to be more palatable to the world. Oh wow. You know, it's just keeping you small small in the way that your impact in the world versus you just being you and just doing what feels good. And it could be that you happen to engage in all these, you know, good fatty behaviors. Cause that's just you and, but you know you're doing it cause you would genuinely enjoy it and that's fine and I'm good. So no judgment, no judgment, no shame or current.
So any questions about, I wish you were here to say yes Victoria. Actually I don't get this bit. If you do just just email me victoria@fiercefatty.com.
My little fact today, and this is a little trick for you, you can try there. So on Facebook, my name is Victoria S. Welsby. The S is theoretically my middle name, but it is not my middle name. The S I put there, gosh, six, eight, 10 years ago. Oh my God. Yeah. Maybe when I first came to, yeah, 10, 10 or 11 years, Holy shit. Time goes so fast. When I was just starting out and discovering this stuff, I changed my name on Facebook to Victoria S. Welsby. And I just have never changed it. And the reason why I did that was because I wanted a reminder to love myself. The S stands for sexy. So I wanted a reminder just in my daily life, you know, no one else could see that, you know, just like a little prompt. The I was okay or you know, I was sexy or I was whatever. And I've kept ever since. In fact, one time my mom was like so my mom's named Sarah and my sister's middle name is Sarah. And one time she was saying to me or about me, my middle name being Sarah because S on Facebook, and I was like, my middle names is not Sarah. And she was like, well, what is on your Facebook? And she's had six kids. So I left forget who we are. But could you do something like that? Cause people don't need to know, right? People just presume it's your middle name or whatever, you know, unless you change your name on Facebook to like sex machine, sexy hot stuff, dick killer, 29, 69, people will know. But then that might be your identity. So go with it. If you want to be, you know, the dick destroyer on Facebook become the dick destroyer. And if aren't Mildred said, what's this all about? You might listen, Mildred, I'm trying to love myself, alright. If you criticize me, that's my identity is a dick destroyer. All right, Aunt Mildred can go suck a dick. Yes.
So that is our episode today. I hope you enjoy it. And a reminder to share on social media that you're listening to this episode. Maybe share and tag me. Tag me if you've got a public account, you know, as not private account, you can tag me and I'll see. I'll put you in a draw to win a Fierce Fatty mug. Why not tag me and put me like, Hey, I'm the dick destroyer. I'll enjoy that. That'll make my day. I want dick destroys all over the place, okay. Yeah. So thanks for hanging out with me. I really do appreciate you spending your time listening to me blab on about fat stuff and I will see you dick destroyer in the next episode. Okay, bye.
EP17 Transcript
Hello and welcome to episode 17 of the Fierce Fatty podcast. I'm your host Victoria Welsby. And today we're talking about what if your doctor told you to lose weight because of your health condition? Interesting. Let's do it.
You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm Victoria Welsby, TEDx speaker, best-selling author, and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self-esteem to being a courageous and confident Fierce Fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living in a fat body is bad, but what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century. So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty Podcast. Let's begin.
Oh what a beautiful day it is today. I think spring is coming. Yes, I love the spring and summer. I love being warm and not cold. I just took my my dog to the beach and I'm going gave him a bath because he went into the sea and he got all sandy so you're no longer smells like hamster. Dougie is my dog.
So yeah, I'm excited to talk to you today about this super interesting topic of what to do, right. When your doctor tells you to lose weight. First, I want to share with you a review that I got on Stitcher. Most of you were leaving reviews on Stitcher, which I thought, I thought I didn't know anyone listening to Stitcher. I know it was a thing, but apparently is and a reminder that if you leave me a review and it can be anything. It doesn't have to be a long novel, but it can, if you want to. Take a screenshot before you submit it and then email me at victoria@fiercefatty.com. I will send you a free copy of my book in audio and digital versions. You can read that.
So this review says review title life-changing. Yes. and it says, I am new to the fat acceptance movement after being on a diet for basically my entire life at age five, my dad called me Porky as I was headed to have a bath at 14. I was hooked on aerobic exercise by 16. I decided to give bulimia a try and spent many nights hiding in my closet sneaking food just to throw it all back up. And on several years of diet and exercise scams culminating in the decision to have gastric bypass surgery at the age of 35. It's now been 10 years since my life altering event and gaining since that a life altering event and gaining most of the weight back and adding on many other issues such as chronic anemia due to not being able to absorb vitamins properly. I decided to wake up and face the fact that this is what I'm supposed to be and it's okay. Victoria is a delight to listen to and the ideas and statements she shares are very thought provoking and helping me little by little to move on with my life, stop negative beliefs about my body and truly enjoy the things that matter. So that is from Kimberly. Thank you Kimberly for that review and sharing your story.
I'm going to do an episode on the surgery. I don't wanna say weight loss surgery because often people don't lose weight on it. I like saying stomach amputation surgery because it's not always done in amputation, sometimes stomach squeezing because it's important to not soften such a violent act on fat people. But I'm sure a lot of people can resonate with that story, right. I know a lot of those thing, a lot of things that you shared, I was like, yup, yup, yup, yup. Me too. Yeah. So share your reviews. Let me know what you're writing and I'm going to share some love with you by getting my best selling book called Fierce Fatty. And the more reviews and five star ratings the show has, the more likely that other people are going to stumble upon it. People who are in desperate need of this message and we all, I'm guessing we all, but I remember hearing that message finally that it's okay to be fat and it just being more life changing and just getting that one message out. But it's okay to be fat can change some, you know, change someone's whole life. And so by you writing your review, you're making it so someone else might be able to hear this message that their body is okay. And that's pretty cool, right? That's fat activism right there. Do and share write now review. Let me know you're a fat activist.
So today's episode we're talking about doctor doctor, telling you to lose weight. And if you're, if a fat person chances are you have been told to lose weight when you've gone to the doctors. I think it's probably pretty rare that you've not been told that you have a big body in that you need to lose weight. And it's very, very common that as a fat person going into the doctors, you know, you go in, you're like, Oh, I think I've stub toe.
And the doctor's like, have you tried a diet? And you're like, hmmmm just want my name for my stub toe. And you know, when the doctor says, Oh, you diet and exercise, you like tired in exercise. Never heard that one before. What is this mystical diet and exercise thing? You're talking about new fangled dangle thing on must try when in reality we probably have tried an exercise many, many, many, many times. And if not, then we, we know the drum that people be just calories in, calories out, all that sort of, and it's not, it's not true, right? It's just utter bullshit. And so what if you have a condition? Say for example, PCOS ,sore knees, type two diabetes and the prescription is what do you got to lose weight? And if you don't, there will be dire consequences. That's hard, right? That's hard if you're on a fat acceptance journey.
And then you also have something going on with your health where you've been told you have to lose weight. I mean, what do you do? Do you just throw fat acceptance out the window? Do you, do you try and love your body while also dieting? You probably have been told that any of these conditions are because you have more fat on your body that if you have type two diabetes, it's because you're so fat and greedy and you eat sweets all day. If you've got sore knees, you've just so fat that your knees are just buckling under the weight of you. And it's your fault. You should be embarrassed for what you have done to your body. And that my friend is total and utter bullshit. So it's so bullshit. It's just unbelievable. Now there is a correlation with certain things and having a bigger body, but it's very complicated.
For example, with type two diabetes, there is a correlation, but no one knows why that is. Like, is it that you have more adipose tissue, your body? Is it because fat people experience more discrimination, marginalization, stigma and those things make people unwell. You know, we don't know. We just don't, we don't know the answer. We don't know if if having a big body or we do know this, if our own a big body, it doesn't mean you're automatically going to get certain illnesses. And a lot of times being fat counter-intuitive to established medicine I say established as in, you know, medicine that was like, Oh fuck people die on everything. And now you know, modern science shows actually if you're fat, you're more likely to survive a heart attack or you're more likely to recover. If you're an old fat person, you were just way more robust than a thinner fat person.
And so many different things, so many different stats to show that fat people are just not automatically about to die from their founders. But we're told that these are conditions of course directly because you are fat and it's very complicated and we don't know why. And also thin people get these conditions too. So if it's because you're fat, then what the heck on why thin people getting type two diabetes. Why do you think people have PSOs? Why do thin people have sore knees and it's not their fault if they have those conditions, if they're thin, right? Because clearly it's not, you know, not something they've done. I roll. Am I rolling right now, that's all I got some.
So it's not your fault. Please take that. It's not your fault. And I know when people get those diagnoses, it really is, can be not always just shame. She can't tell anyone. It's your like people feel like it's their dirty little secret that they've done this to themselves. And then what type two diabetes? A massive risk factor is genetics. It's genetics. And so if you have type two diabetes in your family, you're way more likely to get it versus if you, if you don't, then you're way less likely. There's other risk factors too. Some people of color are more likely to get type two diabetes and it's nothing to do with their body size, right? So that's my spiel on diabetes, type two diabetes. I've been on my, I've been on one like research thing with type two diabetes ever since.
The BBC show who I feel like, Oh no ever talk about is the BBC show, but the scenes at BBC show, Who Are You Calling Fat. And we had that representative from diabetes UK come in and say, Oh, your legs are going to fall off if you get diabetes. I knew a lot of stuff about, you know, fatness and type two diabetes by wanting to get a lot more information into my brain. And I find it very, very interesting and also very maddening that this condition is, is like there's beating stick for fat people like diabetes, so fat, diabetes, you're going to get diabetes. Not only is it bullshit that you know, every fat person it is going to have diabetes. It's also really healthiest. Just like, Oh, you're a better person if you don't have a health condition, you know, are you a better fat person if you don't have type two diabetes?
No, you're equally good or bad. You know, as someone who does have it or doesn't have it, you know, and also it's treating type two diabetes as this thing, like a death sentence. Like, Oh my God, if Oh, your life will be absolutely ruined, you're going to die immediately if you have type two diabetes. And for a lot of people is a very, very easily manage condition. Now, you know, that's a lot, that's a complicated statement because you know, some people don't have access to healthcare. Some people have other things going on, but generally speaking, it is an easily managed condition and it's not going to ruin your life. And really if you have just been diagnosed with type two, you know, you might be feeling that dread and that terror of, Oh my God, my life is over.
You know, I'm so unhealthy or whatever. But hopefully as you live with it, you'll realize that, Oh, I can do this. You know, hopefully if you have access to healthcare. Oh, the US also being in the UK and being in Canada for the last 10 years, you know, that's not free healthcare. Yay. Which everywhere should have, I mean come on. Okay, so you have whatever it is you have. I'm just boiling it down to like PCOs, sore knees and type two diabetes cause that is the common, more common things that I come across. So your doctor says, okay, you need to lose weight. Now what your doctor is doing in that moment is prescribing you something which has a very, very, very low efficacy rate that is not backed by science. Did you know when I found this out, I literally was just like, no, no, it can't be. But not once ever in the history of the world has that been a study to show a diet works? Not one. Never ever. There is no robust study, you know, peer reviewed and not paid for by diet companies that shows any diet works. Nothing. Isn't that mad? Isn't it wild? Have a diet industry is $66 billion a year, yet there is not one single study to show a diet works is just, it's just bananas. I just, whoaaa. Yeah, so they're prescribing something that has no science behind it. We do have a lot of science in regards to the effects of dieting and you know, with a failure rate of 95 to 100%. And that that 95% statistic is, is about 50 years old. Lots of studies have been done since then and we know that if you are living in a bigger body, say if you're bigger than a small fat, the chances of you being able to lose weight, keep it off for the rest of your life is less than 1% not 0.8% chance.
Okay? So, you know, you might be thinking, okay, well I'm going to do it anyway. If I have a 1% chance, maybe 5%, you know, if I'm feeling generous 5% chance that this might work for me, well, there is consequences for dieting. Not only does it fuck with your brain, it fucks with your body, it fucks with your heart. You more likely to develop an eating disorder. 90% of people who go on a diet display symptoms of disordered eating slash eating disorder. 90% and two out of three people gain more weight being on a diet, right? So they, so if the cure is to lose weights then you've got a two out of three chance by going on a diet to weigh more. The thing is your weight doesn't correlate to your health. And so that doesn't really matter if you gain weight.
But if your doctor is prescribing something that is doing the opposite, then they're not doing right by you. So the answer is not to diet. Now, a lot of people do diet and they might see relief from symptoms. They might reverse their condition, they might have a happy ending. Now what things are they doing while they're dieting? Is it the weight loss that has quote unquote cured their condition? Or is it the things that they're doing to lose weight? There may be some healthful things that they're doing. For example, they might be moving their body. Study show exercise has very little effect on your ways. It's not a good way to lose weight. There is no way to good way to lose weight. But exercise in particular is not good for losing weight anyway, but it's good for other things, right? As long as you're doing it in, you know, in a non obsessive type way.
And so say if someone has sore knees and they start moving their body, they start doing physiotherapy, they start strengthening their muscles around their knees and they happened to have lost weight, which is more more likely than not temporary. And so they're like, Oh my God, it's the weight loss. It's because I lost weight that my knees don't hurt anymore. By the way, our knees can take massive, massive loads of weight, you know, really. So someone is like, Oh my God, I lost weight and my knees feel better. It's because I was so far and now I'm so thin I lost 10 pounds or whatever. And when they stop being able to keep the weight off, then they stop those behaviors that saw them temporary lose weight because what's the point? If they're not losing weight and they're gaining weight and so they're not going to do those behaviors, they're not as sustainable.
Studies show healthful behaviors are not as sustainable by far when you tie them in with the number on the scale versus when you tie them in with how you feel. And so when people lose weight and they feel better and they're engaging in healthful types type of behaviors, not always are they doing this obviously. And then they put the weight on, they stop those healthful behaviors and they're fatter and they're like, Oh, hi, it was the weight I've put on weight and now I, my knees hurt again. Well, maybe they stopped doing that, that, that physiotherapy, maybe they stopped doing the strengthening of the knees, et cetera, et cetera. Or maybe, you know, someone who has type two diabetes, they start by eating certain food, right? And cutting out food groups or whatever. Now I'm not a dietician, I don't know what to tell you to eat, to help with type two diabetes.
But the things that they could be eating could be alleviating symptoms regardless of the weight loss, right? So, but then we, we attribute any of the good stuff to the fact that they have less adipose tissue. So the question you need to ask is do straight sized people get this condition? Has a straight sized person ever had sore knees? How's a straight sized person ever had type two diabetes? Has a straight size person ever had PCOs? What do they do to manage their condition? Now the doctor might be like, Oh well they eat more of this and they exercise like this and they'd take this tablet and they do this. Well that's what you want. You'll have thank you very much because that's effective, right? Versus just diet, which is not effective. And we'll do the opposite. Not the, you know, being heavier means that you'll have more health issues.
But if the doctor thinks that having a smaller body equals health and you know, no, no doctor. So you'll have the things that the thin people, the straight size people are having and doing. And it's easy for me to say that right now because when you're in the situation, when you had this diagnosis and the doctor says you need, you really need to lose weight. It's so fucking hard in that moment to be like, eh, I don't think so. A doctor person in a white coat, very authoritarian I'm feeling very shamed right now and so I'm going to stand up to you and tell you no. Now it's very hard. It's very hard in those situations because you know we're bad fat people and we've just gobbled so much food and we've caused our eyeballs to fall out and all that type of stuff.
So it might be difficult in the moment and that means you're a human being. But if this happens to you, know that you can ask this question, know that when you are prescribed weight loss that you can question, you don't need to say, no, I'm not going to lose weight. I've no course you can do that. You can say something else and you can just ask question more. And you can say outside of the weight loss, what else can we be doing? And, and when you say you can say to the doctor, and so when you say weight loss, do you mean you want me to eat certain food? Do you mean that you want me to move my body? What do you mean? And they might be like, yeah, I just mean, you know, eat more of this and less of that and did it do whatever.
And now that might be a triggering message on its own and you can find a health at every size nutritionist or dietitian or non diet dietitian to help you. Those maybe shame filled messages around what you should and shouldn't eat. But digging down to like what actually they are talking about. Do they mean that they want you to be smaller or do they mean they want you to engage in certain behaviors and also on that, on that note that presuming that you don't already engage in those behaviors, you know? Like, yeah, like so many times, Oh my God. Presuming that, you know, being, you know, you've never moved your body and maybe you haven't ever moved your body and that sounds certainly defined, but the presumption that fat people are all the, you know, all do the same things and behave in the same ways, it's just redound, right. So what I say to my doctor, if they ever start talking about weight is I say, listen, I'm a fat activist and I want to let you know that I have had an history of disordered eating patterns, overexercising and all sorts of, you know, things like that. So when you talk about weight loss as a prescription, it is harmful towards my health. So what can we do to treat this without talking about weight loss? Because that is not an option for me. That's the type of thing that I will say to my doctor. Now, I've only had to say that once. In the past, before I was fat positive, I would just like, you know, when they say lose weight, I'd just nod and be like, afterwards I'd be like not going to happen. But saying this is not going to happen. felt good. Of course you don't have to say anything. I know in the state sometimes you might have, you know, issues in regards to maybe the doctor or write non compliant on your file and maybe that'll go back to your insurance company and your insurance go up. I don't know. You know, I know the states and insurance is so fucked up, but I wouldn't be surprised. But try and get you know to what it is they actually want you to do and what it is that thin, straight sized people do when they're in this situation. And remember, it is not your fault.
Now in the show notes, go check out the show notes, fiercefatty.com.017. If you scroll down, there's probably going to be a link wherever you're listening to take you to the show notes. I've attached a PDF from Three Bird's Counseling and the intuitive RD. And it's a little thing that you can print out. Let find it for you. I want to read it out and you can take it to your doctor. Now you don't have to have a conversation with your doctor. You can just send an email, you can send a letter, you can just write down something on your phone and show it to them because it can be a very high stress situation, right? So this notes that Three Birds and the Intuitive RD wrote says this, dear health provider, so this is about getting weighed, but think about this in regards to asking for what you need. This is the type of things that you can say. Dear health provider. I understand your general procedures may include collecting weight data at every visit. As the research on weight science suggests, I find it health promoting to avoid weighing myself unless it is absolutely medically necessary for my treatment. And so that that line I love that I find it health promoting to and research on what science suggests this good the good stuff, right.
I understand, weight may be helpful when determining anesthesia dosage ,determine pediatric and some adult drug doses, low weight, anorexia treatment, tracking child growth trajectory, kidney failure and a handful of other scenarios. I will be happy to comply with being weighed in such medically necessary circumstances. I also understand weight is not necessary for routine checkups, sore throats or many other general visits. Unless my weight would impact today's treatment, recommendations I decline being weighed if it is necessary I would like and then it has three different choices. First one to be informed as to how the weight information will impact or inform my treatment. The next one says to be weighed blind. The next one says for it to not be written on the chart I carry to the front desk and then it ends with thank you for respecting my refusal to be weighed during our sessions and thank you for you for providing me care.
Now in my course Fierce Fatty Academy, I have a different options for emails, letters word tracks to what to say to your doctor. Depending on how you want to approach it, you know, you don't have to necessarily talk to them face to face, you can email them or whatever. And so there is that resource inside Fierce Fatty Academy. But you can go to the show notes to get that little PDF. And it's great. It's great. Yeah, so in a nutshell, when you are prescribed a diet, you are being prescribed something with a very, very low efficacy rates. Like imagine if you went to into a doctor and they were like, you like I have this condition. And they're like, okay, well take this pill. 99% chance it's not gonna work and actually really good chance it's gonna make you unwell emotionally and physically, but give it a go. You never know. You might then be the magical unicorn that it might work on any size by, I don't know. No, actually there's no science at all. Apart from, we do know the negative effects. That's backed by science. You'll be like, no bitch. Do you have a doctor's license? And what the fuck are you talking about? What's your give me something that works please. What? And you knew that there's other group of people who were getting from the same doctor a different pill, but that works even like give me that motherfucking pill, right? And so that's well dieting, you know, being prescribed dieting is like, it's like being given a pill that doesn't work and makes you physically and mentally well. And of course you can take that pill. It's your choice. You do what you want. You might decide going on a diet, you might be one of the lucky few, I say quote unquote lucky because really the side effects from dieting is in my eyes not worth it, right? You might be one of the lucky few this magical weight loss thing works for.
So you can decide, you can decide, you can decide, okay, I'm going to try and lose weight, your body. But you can also decide that this faulty bullshit prescription is not for you because you deserve better. You deserve the same respect and care and level of treatment that someone who is in a smaller body gets. And it doesn't matter if you quote unquote caused your fatness. It doesn't matter if you caused anything that's going on with you. And think about the idea of being, you know, causing your illness. This is fat phobic because there's lots of instances where humans cause an illness. So for example, I used to love skiing. I'd go skiing all the time, every weekend, every time I chance that chance I could. And one day I was skiing through skiing on my favorite slope. It was like through the trees and it was super icy. And I, and I fell and I tore my my ACL and did damage. I can't remember the words of other shit in there. Anyway, I fuck money up and I went to the doctors and eventually I had knee surgery and it was probably very expensive. I didn't have to pay for it living in Canada. Yay. but never once did I feel like, Oh shit, I caused this. It was an icy day and I had found just before I fell, the second time I had fell and in my brain I was like, come on now, like suck it up, you can do it. But really I knew that I needed to take a break because I was getting in my head and blah, blah, blah. And so it was my fault, you know, as, as much as you know, anything can be your fault like that.
I wasn't shamed. I didn't feel ashamed. I just thought this thing happened, you know, I deserve to have a knee. That is to feels good. I'm going to have surgery. And when I was in recovery, you know, people, you know, I got cards and a bunch of flowers. Well, they were like fruit, the look like flowers dipped in chocolate delicious and I wasn't embarrassed that I had this thing happen to me. And it's the same like whatever's going on with you. And the reason why I didn't feel embarrassed is because that wasn't to do with me having a fat body, right? In fact, I was quote unquote, society would have seen me as a good fatty because I was a fatty that was exercising. And so I was, you know, it was a good thing that if I was going to injure my body, it was because of that versus say if I injured my body, because I didn't know something negative. I know I got stuck in a chair because my body was fat and I hurt my hip or something. You know, that's fatphobia. That's fatphobia, right?
So another thing in the show notes is my free training. So if you are in a place where you're not loving your body, where you're still feeling out of control around food, you gotta get on my free training. It's called the 4 Simple Steps to Feel Confident in Your Body and Around Food ... Even If You Believe It's Not Possible! And I say, even if you believe it's not possible, because a lot of people, they'll, they'll look at me and they were like, well, you're special. There's something special about you and there's something extra ordinarily unspecial about me that means that I cannot be as confident and body loving and food PC as you are. And if you're thinking that, listen up here, that's fucking bullshit, you're not extra ordinarily ugly.
And even if you are, fuck, fuck that, like we've made up an idea of what ugly is. You know, if you are, if you do believe the ugly, why can't you embrace your ugly? And if you think that you, Oh yeah, but my belly hangs over, but my tits are extra saggy and long, but my stretchmarks are brilliant. But you know, if you think that you've got something extra special, that means that you can't love your body. It's bullshit. It's baloney, it's baloney. You know? I'm not extra special. Honestly. I promise you I'm not extra special. Like, listen, I came from a very damaged background where someone like me should not be in this situation where I am today. You know, the chances of me getting here was slim, right? And if someone like me can do this, can overcome such a tremendous amount of adversity.
And if you listened to two episodes ago, you might have an idea of a bit of the adversity. If I can do it, you can fucking do it. Okay? So if you're having those doubts, shelve them from the moment you can still, you know, hold onto them if you want to, but come along to the webinar. The 4 Simple Steps to Feel Confident in Your Body and Around Food ... Even If You Believe It's Not Possible! in the show notes.
Little fact about me for today is I find this so interesting. Do you know what your Myers Briggs personality type is? You might be thinking, what the fuck is that? Or you might be like, Oh, this because I was in recruitment for nine years before I was a professor. And then now doing this I was in recruitment and so I did a load of personality testing because it was a lot of, you know, to do the hiring practices and when you're being hired as a, as a recruiter, you need a certain specific personality type. And I had that personality type that was more likely to be successful. So my Myers Briggs is ESFP, ESFP, Echo Sierra Foxtrot Pepper. That's not what those stand for that's just the phonetic alphabet. I know phonetic alphabet cause I used to work in a call center anyway. So you can find out your Myers Briggs. If you go to 16personalities.com you can find out for free. But it's really interesting to find out your personality type and Myers Briggs is not the be all and end all. There's lots of different personality thing of a jigs is out there. But Myers-Briggs is like the most common. And often you'll see on dating profiles, because I'm dating, you'll see a lot of people who are like, Myers Briggs is this. And I'll go up and look at what their Myers Briggs means and then I can be like, no, no, no, not for me.
So the first letter in it means that I am an extrovert. Now, I always thought I was an introvert, but really what it is is it's where you get your energy from. And it turns out I get my energy from spending time with people, which is probably why I like doing this podcast because it feels, if he feels like I'm talking with you, like you're my friend, I'm like, I'm chatting to a group of people or whatever. Even though even though it's just me in a room but I do need a lot of downtime. I do need downtime to recharge and time alone. So anyway, so my personality is the entertainer and the athlete. And so the entertainers and athletes more likely have my personality type, which is ESFP. And I get on, well mostly with people who are introverted and my romantic partners are more likely to be introverted sciencey cause I'm arty more structured, that type of person versus me, I'm, I kind of don't tell me what to do. Like hence being an entrepreneur I couldn't work a nine to five job because I'd be like, what do you mean you want me to come at nine and then stay till five in recruitment. As long as you will making money, you could kind of come in when you want and leave when you want it and just, you know, just do what you want and get drunk at lunch and that was perfect for me. And same with entrepreneurs stuff, you know, I can be very structured, but when I choose type of thing, so I was never going to be an employee. So my personality type, bold, original, ascetic, showmanship, practical observant, excellent people skills. My weaknesses, because I need to tell you my weaknesses. It says sensitive.
So they're strongly emotional and very vulnerable to criticism. Now I've worked on this before, I would be like, Oh my God, you don't like me, but this is stuff I've worked on. A conflict adverse, I don't really get into fights, but I will stand up for myself. So that's kind of easily bored. Yeah. I need excitement. Poor long term planners. I'm like, God, this is so true. I am the worst at long term planning. I just think in the next kind of couple of weeks and even just the week, like we get to the weekend, I'm like, well, what should we do? Like why is no one organized anything? And it's like, well, I could have organized something, but my brain is just doesn't think like that. Unfocused. I don't think that I'm unfocused. Yeah. So they're the negative. So yeah. 16 personalities.com learn a bit about yourself.
And the reason why it's great to learn a little bit more about yourself is because you can recognize when things are not feeling good. Maybe it's because it's going against what your personality type is. So, for example, so when I was an adjunct professor I would teach the students to how to network and how to talk to people. And the event used to be this massive 500 people networking event. Most people hate that. Like I'm not into reading networking events really, that's not my thing. But they, some of the students would be absolutely fucking terrified because they haven't had the experience, but also because they were an introvert. Now it wasn't my plan to have a networking event in the curriculum because I don't think that's fair for people who are not those types of people. And introvert might be way better in a one-on-one, you know, quiet coffee shop, that type of thing, meeting maybe meeting a friend of a friend, that type of thing. And they're not going to be their best when they're having to do things that are outside of who they are as a person. And they might take that as I'm not good. I'm not good at connecting with people. And that's not necessarily true. It's just that that situation isn't designed for you to flourish. And so yeah, if you know your personality type, you can really understand like why for me, like why is it that a nine to five job sounds horrible. But for someone else, the idea of being an entrepreneur is just their worst nightmare. Like it's, there's no stability. It's kind of, you know, who knows what's going to happen month to month and for someone else that that is just horrible and they need that stability of a nine to five. Yeah.
So I'll put a link on the on the thing and jig and so you can check out yours if you want to. You don't have to, you might think it's another fucking bullshit. All right, well, thanks for hanging out with me and I will see you on the next episode of the Fierce Fatty podcast. Good bye my fatty. Okay, see you later.
EP16 Transcript
Hello and welcome to episode 16 of the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm your host, Victoria Welsby. In this episode, I'm answering the question: If I start intuitive eating when I put on a ton of weight, let's do it.
You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm Victoria Welsby, TEDx speaker, best-selling author, and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self-esteem to being a courageous and confident Fierce Fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living in a fat body is bad, but what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century. So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty Podcast. Let's begin.
Hello. Hello. Hello. Welcome to episode 16 I'm feeling really good. You know, today it's been really windy and haley. I'm living close to the beach and in Ireland and we get a loads of wind. It sounds real. It sounds so good at night here on the the roof. But, but just like 10 minutes ago, the sun just came out and is shining across the fields, across the sea, across the mountains and its beautiful and yeah. So I'm feeling good and I just got back from a business trip to LA. Oh my God. I'm so fancy. If I had hair, I'd be flicking it around right now is not really fancy. But I go to LA, the last time I went was in May and now it's well I'd went in January, now it's just the 3rd of March. February. Oh my God at time. But I go because I have on my business, if you didn't know I have an online business, I teach a fat people how to love their body and stop dieting, start intuitively eating. He didn't know. You probably didn't know. And anyway, having a business is can be difficult because not a lot of other people around have online businesses. It feels like everyone I know has an online business because I've slowly made friends in the online business world. But anyway, I am a part of a coaching program and we meet up and have events in, tends to always be in LA, kind of a central location and hang out with other business folks for a few days. And it's just so rejuvenating, so invigorating, so inspiring. And I love it, you know, to hang out with all these different people who are doing not the same as me because everyone has a different business and it's amazing to see all the different types of businesses that have successful on my business is doing three things from like calligraphy, like people making a wonderful business from teaching others how to do calligraphy online.
Another guy who's teaching people not to be scared to fly online. Isn't the future amazing that we can do this now and any education that you want around any specific topic, you can find it online. So yay for being born when we're born. It'd probably be better if we were born like a hundred years later if the world is still around. But yeah, even not being born in like 1900. So something that I'm doing right now is for the month of February, I am feeling fattylicious and excited to share the fatty love and I am putting on a ton of free training, free webinars. And so if you are not a place where you love your fat body, you where you don't let what others think of you, stop you from doing whatever the hell you want. If you're scared to wear a crop top or bikini your bay, your fat arms in public, or if you're struggling with feeling confident and not out of control with food and getting that intuitive eating, the journey nailed down, then please come along. The training is called the Four Simple Steps to Feel Confident in your Body and around Food, Even if you believe it's not possible. And I'm putting on training, I'm dedicating February to it basically. And so, that's the thing is I normally will do a training a couple of different times, but I'm spreading it out. So there's lots of different times because people who follow me and people who who consume my content are from around the world, literally all around the world. So lots of different time zones. And so go to the show notes, the show notes fiercefatty.com/016, because it's episode 16, and get that link for that training and it's free. Just sign on up. Just put your name in the your email. You can put your telephone number in there as well if you want. You don't have to, but it's a cool thing where I can text you to say, Hey, the training's just about to start. How cool is that technology? Yeah, so make this February the fatty love month and finally begin to feel like how you should feel, should feel relaxed about your body. It just shouldn't be a thing. It shouldn't be a thing and food shouldn't really be a thing either, right? so I barely think about my body and I barely think about food. Like, you know, as in stressing over it, I'll be like, Oh, why do I want to eat and all this is delicious, or Oh why, whatever you like this or whatever. But thinking, Oh my God, can I eat? What can I eat? How many calories is that? Oh, am I going to get fat and roll? So come over to that training and let's have some fun and hopefully there'll be a time there that fits your schedule. I hope so. Because yeah, I'm putting it on a lot of different times. Okay.
And so today's episode, I am going to answer a question, a listener question. If you want to ask a question that could be answered on the show, again, go to the show notes and there'll be a button there for you to submit your question. And it's, you just tell, just tell me your question and just you doesn't have to, you know, write anything long or you can if you want or short. And if I think it's, it's going to be beneficial for other people to hear the answer, then I will answer it on the show. So two, I'm gonna, I'm gonna read out this question to you and then I'm going to answer it, but we have a download for you that goes along with this episode because of the stuff that we're talking about in this episode.
It's talking about beliefs that we have, which are not necessarily true. And so there's a workbook called the Fat Cutting Workbook. And so fat is not fat as in fat on your body. Fat stands for F- false, A- assumed T- truths, Fat Cutting Workbook. So False assume Truths workbook. And that's the only fat that you need to cut. okay. It's a False assume Truths and you can download that at fiercefatty.com/016, for episode 16. But if you scroll down on wherever you're listening to this, then you probably have a link to the show notes anyway.
Okay, so let me read this question and it's from Debbie. Hello Victoria. I love you and your podcast. Thanks Debbie. I'm 23 years old and I come from a family of bigger women. While I was in high school and college, I always worked hard to keep my weight down, but after years of struggling and learning about fat phobia, I don't want to worry about my weight anymore. I just want to eat the foods I enjoy and never step on the scale again. Since I've started intuitive eating a few months ago, I have put on weight. To my surprise, I've been okay with it so far, but I've started to feel some guilt creep in. What if I gain another 20 pounds or 30 or more? What if my ultimate goal isn't being healthy, but just being happy and eating what I want? What would my family or friends think of me when I'm no longer the smallest one? What if I ever become the biggest one? What if people judge me for getting fat and I show associate me with that. My question for you is, how can I embrace or even love my inevitable weight gain? Can you help put a positive spin on my bigger, bigger belly sticking out or people making comments. I don't want these events to make me question my intuitive eating decision. I want to be able to laugh it off, be proud of my progress and keep eating what I want and if I do get much bigger, bigger, it's because my body was meant to be much bigger, right? It would be so helpful to learn how to embrace and yes, even celebrate my weight gain to be proud of my new fat roll or softer cheeks and bigger pants and how much happier life is now, but then it was before. I think that with your enthusiasm and expertise, you can really drive the point home if you believe in it. Whenever I have doubts, I would love to hear someone say things like, your jeans can't button anymore. Look how far you've come in your recovery. You should go celebrate and get new clothes that fit your new happier body. Go donate those old jeans from the old you and don't forget to treat yourself to some tacos and donuts on the way home. You deserve it. Have a great day. Smiley face. And that is from Debbie.
So that is our listener question today. An amazing question and I know a lot of you will be nodding your head saying I feel the same. I have felt the same. I have the same fears. And I know I personally had those exact fears myself before I started all this before I discovered intuitive eating and fat positivity. So I can absolutely relate. And this whole question of I'm scared about getting fat is really one of the cornerstone fears. The one of the things, the barriers that stop people letting go of that dream of becoming thin and embracing the reality. I don't want to say reality as it as if it's this dark and horrible thing, but the reality that we can't manipulate the size of our bodies, genuinely speaking.
So it was hard. So I'm going to break down this question and then go through a few of the things, a few of the sentences and kind of pick them apart a little bit and just kind of raise some questions in case your feeling the same. If you're feeling the same as Debbie and Debbie, you're listening, hopefully this will benefit you as well. So one of the lines is to my surprise, I've been okay with it so far, the weight game, but I've started to feel some guilt creeping. What if I gain another 20 pounds or 30 or more? So the first part saying I've been okay with it so far, but guilt is creeping in and it's kind of like are you okay, because guilt is creeping in. So there's something going on there of, of maybe not panicking as much as you thought you would if you put on some weight, but you know, you're not zen about it.
You're not like, yeah, bring it on. And so there's something going on there. Now when we have any type of reaction, it really is a gift. It really is a gift. Any type of negative or positive reaction, it is telling us something. And so if you are having a fear of weight gain or fear of what that could mean, what does that tell us? It tells us that we need to do work on the fear of weight gain. And why do we fear weight gain? Well, because of society, because of fatphobia, because of the patriarchy and getting into that and getting into like the deep dark, like where does this come from? And getting yourself good and mad and really breaking that down. So let's continue with that. Breaking it down. So you say you feel guilty, you feel some guilt. Why? Why on earth would you feel guilty for doing something that is good for your mental health and for your physical health?
You demon. Oh my God, I can't believe she is doing something good for a mental and physical health. She should be ashamed of herself, right? Why would you feel guilt? So I'm guessing the reason that you feel guilt is other people's perception of what you are doing now. If you were living on a desert island, you might not be feeling guilt, right? If you didn't have the influences of fat phobic people around you, say if you're on a desert Island or on an Island filled with fat positive fatties, how amazing would that be? How it'd be so amazing. You probably wouldn't be filled feeling the guilt.
So let me reframe this in a way which is like, Oh my God, duh. I don't know your past behavior in regards to whether you are a chronic dieter, whether you had a full blown eating disorder whether you just dabbled. You mentioned that you worked hard to keep your weight down and so chances are you had at least disordered eating behaviors. And so you had something going on there where you were unwell in some way. And also dieting. However, whatever way you try to manipulate your weight is not good for your physical health even. Okay. And so imagine if you had some of the ailments that isn't associated with being good or bad. Say you broke your leg, say you broke your leg and you went into hospital and the people around you were like, did you see what she is doing? She went to hospital and she got a cast on her leg and now I can't believe it. She's walking around with crutches and when she gets home, she puts her leg up to rest it. And she's not even doing any physical activity for the next six weeks.
She is an embarrassment. That wouldn't happen, right? That's ridiculous. You were like you doing the things you need to do to make yourself healthy, to make yourself heal, to make yourself happy and be able to not react. Don't react like that because we don't have any stigma around people breaking their leg. But we have stigma around people's body sizes. And this is the exactly same thing as you're doing these things to help heal yourself. And you are worried about people's reactions, which brightly so because people do have reactions. But to reframe it in your mind, you're getting better. You're healing yourself. You need to do this. At the moment, food is your medicine. You need to heal your relationship with food and you need to know that you have an abundance of food and these are the things that you need to do to get better or healthier, whatever, happier, whatever it is that you're trying to achieve, right? And so, you know, feeling guilty. Why, why, why?
Okay. now the next sentence I want to talk about. What if my ultimate goal isn't being healthy but just being happy and eating what I want? Eating what I want. That's the end of the sentence. Do you know this how I noticed how, I dunno if you know how I don't know if this true, I've just, this is probably not true. And all over North Americans end sentences on a high like, and so it sounds like they're asking a question and so it's, it's kind of really difficult to know. What if it was a question or if it's the end of the sentence. I don't know. Debbie what is that? Am I talking, talking shit?
I noticed that when I moved to Canada and it was like, you ask him a question, I don't know. Anyway, different people to people talk differently all over the world, right? okay. So what if my ultimate goal isn't being healthy but being happy in eating what I want? Okay. So what if you don't want to be healthy? Absolutely. One goodillion percent. Okay. So we live in a society that really values health and it assumes that health is something that isn't something that individual controls when health is a very complex issue and a lot of what makes up someone's health status is not in their control. A lot of it is a socioeconomic stuff where you were born, the color of your skin, how much money you have your, your ability to access different types of healthcare, the amount of stigma and marginalization you receive, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
How much is in personal control is, is actually not that much. So you can't necessarily control your health anyway, but if you were trying to do things that were healthful, fine, if you were not interested in doing things that are helpful, fine. Both are morally equivalent. Okay? You are not a better person. If you, you know, run marathons 50 times a day or if you only smoke kale believes and put them up your bum and all that type of stuff versus if you're not interested in that and you know, you eat food, which you know, we have been told is unhealthy and do things that society have told us are unhealthy. It's fine. You can do that. You don't need my permission or anyone else's permission to do what feels good for you. Right? So if you're like not interested in pursuing health at the moment or, or being obsessed with health because maybe you have been a lot in the past that maybe that's exactly what you need, right?
Maybe that is perfect for you. That's absolutely fine. But something that I want to say is, are you presuming that by eating certain foods and, or having a bigger body that you're not healthy or that your health is damaged? As I said in the point before, by stopping dieting, by listening to your body and honoring what it wants and needs, that is a healthful behavior. So maybe are you accidentally embracing health and you didn't even realize it, right? So do you believe, do you believe that health and weight are correlated? Right? So there's a fat person, okay. Can tell. Absolutely. They have type two diabetes. Their eyeballs are about to fall out because they have so much fat on their body that it's squeezing them out and about 17 seconds until they die. Obviously you don't think that because you know, that's the internet troll that thinks that, but all the other deep down beliefs where you think, yeah, faculty.
Yeah. If I this one thing, I am one step closer towards type two diabetes or whatever. And what if you, what if you have different health outcomes? What if you do get sick? What if you die? Oh my God, you might die one day. Oh my God, we're all gonna die one day. We can't control that, right? We are going to die and hopefully we'll live a long life, but maybe we don't. Who knows? Right. We are. Hopefully if we get old, our body is going to break down. We are going to get sick, something's going to happen that causes our death. So it's inevitable, not the, you know, we want to race towards death necessarily but that is going to happen. Sorry to break it to you, but you will get sick at some point. Now all of the illnesses and conditions that people traditionally associate with people having bigger bodies, are they actually. Are the bigger bodies causing those those issues?
We don't know the answers. We don't know. We don't know. Correlation is not causation, right? Is it the amount of stigma and marginalization and oppression that people experience also very deeply tied to negative health outcomes? Yes. We know that. We know that. And so are you further marginalizing yourself by believing that fat bodies are unhealthy and that your body is unhealthy because that is causing stress and that will be detrimental towards your, your happiness and your, your, your health outcomes, let's say will can be, you know, but you know, if you're stressed out and you're like, Oh my God, you know, isn't it? It doesn't feel good, right? So can you embrace the idea that every body size can be healthy and unhealthy? You can't tell someone's health status from looking at their body. And also if you're not interested in health and you're like, how can give a fucking shit if I have all the health conditions that there are, and that's fine too. You can do you right. Don't buy into healthism I'm going to do a whole new episode on, on healthism. We can get into the nitty gritty details, all that fat beauty. So yeah.
Next sentence, I want to talk about what will my family or friends think of me when I'm no longer the smallest one? What have I ever became the biggest one? What if people judge me for getting fat and associate me with that? Okay. So does being smallest one mean that you're good? Cause I presume that you're the smallest one now, right? So does, what does that mean to you? To me it means that you happen to be the smallest one. It means nothing else. It's like if you said I have brown hair. It is, you know, it's just a descriptor. It's a meaningless but Oh, of course it's not meaningless. It's lots of meaning behind it. But in regards to who you are as a person, it doesn't, you know, you couldn't say to me, okay, that person is the smallest person and then you know, Oh, they're the smallest person must mean they've got a great sense of humor. Must mean that they're a real bitch. Must mean that they love working out or whatever. You know, you don't know. You don't know anything about that. So, you're placing a meaning on it. What does it mean to be the smallest one? Is that something that you're proud of? Is that something that throughout your life you're like, okay, my family is bigger, but I'm the small one. I have got this under control. I'm not like them. I'm better than them or I am flying under the radar because I have a smaller one. It like, what does it mean?
I don't, I don't know the answer to that. I was always the biggest one. And so in my family, so what if you are the biggest one? Well, what that mean for me, I always meant for me I was like, I'm the biggest, so I'm the tallest. I have the biggest shoe size and I'm the fattest. No one else in my family is actually fat. Although growing up I was, I were all fat, but that's because I had my views on what was fat was totally fucked up. Actually my family are all a lot smaller than the quote unquote average sized woman. So I know what I put on being the fattest was that I was an embarrassment, that I was an outsider. The I was the one that was damaged. The, I clearly had issues that were visible on my body, whereas the rest of my family were good and normal.
And the, my larger family, larger resident, the more, more aunts and uncles, not larger as and bigger my, my, my wider, larger family. What were they thinking about me? They were like, Oh, what are the daughters, look how fat she is when everyone else is straight sized. What happened to her? That's what I was thinking. And I just was desperately to just try and to get, if I could be thinner than, than one of my sisters. Oh my God. Whoa. And that was probably some jealousy going on there, right? Like why can't I be thin and small and little like them? Like I just want you to have a little feet and little hands and, and be a child basically. Because then I would be desirable to more desirable to men. How fucked up is that? Seemingly I want it to be a child. And so what does that mean to you to be the biggest one?
Is that based in reality? Well, you know, was my mum looking at me and saying, Oh my God, I've got a failure for a daughter because she's bigger. I don't know the answer to that. I'm guessing probably, probably no. Sometimes she probably thought, I, I hope that she could be thinner because my mom, you know, was fat phobic and in that probably wanted the best for me and probably presumed that being smaller I would have a better life. Turns out my life is better because I'm fat. Who do so, but even if it is true, say if your whole family say if you did become the fattest one, save your whole family was like, Oh my God, look at her. She's out of control, she's disgusting, she's a peg, blah blah, blah. Say like, that's the worst. That's the worst case. Right?
And everyone staged an intervention being like, you're so fat and horrible. You don't have to take on those beliefs, right? Just because other people believe certain things about you. Why do you have to believe them too? There were a different stage in their adventure to, you know, and place of non diet. Maybe they never get to a place where they don't diet. Maybe they're there, we're ready. You know, we just, we don't know. And you're just at a different place in your life and that's fine, right? and I'm sorry to break it to you. You wrote in here, what if people judge me for getting a fat? Listen up here. Listen up here. Hey, you, me, every one on the planet is constantly being judged and is judging others. It happens all the time now. Me possibly I try to limit my judgment as much as possible because the more I judge others, the more I judge myself.
And when I find myself getting caught up in judgment because you know, I'm a human being, then I just try and take a step back and be like, mm, this is coming from now. I don't tend to judge people on their bodies but on other things like, like someone was in the store ahead of me and the shopkeeper was talking to a customer and I was stood there for like, I don't know, 17 seconds while they would not ring away and like being like, Oh yeah, blah blah blah, blah. And I was just like, accommodate this calm. They see me, both of them see me stand here with stuff ready to buy and that talking and they're having a good time. Don't they know that I am very serious and I'm here to buy my whatever it was. I was there to buy and I was like judging them.
Negativity. Like, Oh, this person's so bad at her job and who is this person? She's so rude and stuff. And then, then I caught myself and I was like, Victoria really? Is it really that big of a deal that, that, that, you know, catching up or whatever's happening, you know, maybe that shopkeeper she hadn't talked to anyone that day in a, in a, you know, a friend or whatever and it was like a real joy of a day. And then she has some madly customer like crossed arms, like looking annoyed over like, and she wants to talk to her friend just for a couple of seconds. And then you have me being like, Oh, you know, doing whatever, you know, with my face. And then, you know, I just reminded her how much she hated a job and whatever was going on. It doesn't matter because in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter, right. So that's just a little example of how, how I judge. But we were all judging, you're going to get judged if you're fat, if you're thin, if you have the way that you talk. Like I just judge people at the beginning of the episode, the way they talk, say North Americans do the end of the sentence. The way that you wear your hair, your shoes, the choices that you make in life, the partner that you have, every one is judging you constantly. You have to deal with it. And the way to go over other people's judgments is to feel secure in what you are about right? And know that no matter what you do, if you stayed small for the rest of your life, you're going to get judged. If you became the biggest person in your family, you're going to get judged.
If you go date this person or you don't date this person now, whatever it is, no matter what you do, if you hide in your house because you're fair, if you're scared of people judging you, you will be judged for hiding in your house because you're scared of other people judging you. You cannot avoid being judged. Now, something that I had a quote that I heard before, I did my TEDx talk and this changed everything in regards to fear of what people would think. Because when I was doing my TEDx talk, it was only a few days before that I decided to take my clothes off. I was stuck between taking my clothes off or just doing a dance and I had two speaking coaches. And one coach said, if you take your clothes off is going to be amazing, people are going to go nuts. It's going to go over so well.
Your talk will go viral. And where the coach was like, I don't know. I think you might be about to be making a fool of yourself. This could go really badly. It could be bad taste. This is the TEDx stage after all. And I, I, I trusted both of them. They both had good points and both of them were absolutely right. And the quote that really changed my mind and made me decide to take my clothes off is 10% of the audience watching my TedTalk will love me. 10% of the people watching my TEDx talk will hate me. And 80% are going to be somewhere in between, in between that love and hate. Now I can be my true self and have 10% love the true me. Or I can be muted for fear of offending people and keep my clothes on and have 10% of people who are not actually my people love me. And so why would rather the people who love me, the people who are my people, the people who are like, yes, fuck yeah, let me see that. Let me see those fucking little tits. Let me see a long tits out, flop them out. I want to see them jiggling. Let me say all that shit and not give a shit that it's a TEDx stage. And just be like, fuck yeah, this is amazing, right. They're my people. Not the people being like, Oh my God, this is so inappropriate. They're not my people.
And so who, who do you want your people to be? The people who love you, the 10%. Are they going to be people who are like, Oh, she put on some way or are they going to pick the people being like, yes, she has really flourished since you said fuck you to dieting. Wow, look how amazing she looks and feels and I'm so pleased for you. Would you rather have that 10% love you or a different type of scent? Would you have people love you for the real you? And the real you right now is fatter than you know you a few months ago. So are you going to be living for the to please people who don't actually like the real you? I mean you can, but you probably won't be as happy, right? And that's what most people do most of the life is that they try and please everyone. And no one is actually pleased, you know, because you're trying to be one person, one for one people and another person for other evil and it's just not going to work out, right.
Next sentence. I want to talk about on the end of this one. You say, what if people judge me for getting fat and associate me with that? So what if people do associate you with fat? What does that mean? Is that bad? I fucking love that people associate me with fat. I felt if someone was like, Oh, I associate you with I don't know chickens, Victoria. I'll be like, well what do you mean chickens? Why do you not associate with me being fat? I'm fist fight. Hello? It's like a power of my identity.
Why would you be afraid that people will associate you with being fat? Is it because you have internalized fatphobic beliefs? Yep. And we all have, we're all fat phobic, right? And it's to what degree are you fat phobic? And so if you don't want to be associated with fatness, then who had low siren is whaling. That is fat phobia because you a believing that there is something wrong to be associated with fatness if I'm understanding your sentence correctly. So yeah, you need to work on that, on that in 10 less fat phobia because fuck, listen, there's literally nothing wrong with being associated with fatness. In fact, if I would be so sad if people would like, Oh, if I was straight size, it's cause it's part of my identity. Not that being straight size is bad, but I'm so aligned with this identity of fatness.
It makes me so happy. I just love it. It feels like we're a part of this really cool gang. You know, the fat is taken over the world. I love it. And if I happen to become smaller day, just, you know, obviously I'm never going to go on a die, but anyway, dies. Don't make you smaller. But I'd know. Let's just for a man generic reason, I was, I was thin it would, it would be either, it would be difficult for me, honestly. It wouldn't be difficult for me. But of course we can't, we can't ever predict what our bodies are going to do. Okay. So the next part of what you said is, my question for you is how can I embrace or even love my inevitable weight gain? Okay. So first part of this, why is weight gain inevitable? Now you, you said you've already experienced weight gain, but why is it inevitable that you will continue to gain weight?
Why is it, why is it inevitable? Is it inevitable? Do we know what's going to happen to our bodies when we start intuitive eating? Nope. No, we don't. And are you looking at this as a lot of people do? I know I certainly did the short term, right? Like intuitive eating, you know, we can get fixated in like how long is this going to take? And they know by maybe by a year and maybe a little, but this is a, this is a life lifelong thing, right? We're going to be hopefully intuitive eaters for the rest of our lives as long as we don't go back into dieting or whatever. So he's a lifelong thing. Now you at, you know those clocks that you, that you see scientists, they show like how long humans have been around and like from like 12 to like what, 1159.
So all the way around the clock is, has been without humans in the last 10 seconds is like with humans anyway. So you are at like second, you know, minute one of the 12 hours of intuitive eating life, right? And so it could fill out that minute one is, is everything because it has been everything so far. That's your experience in intuitive eating. But the longer you become an intuitive eating you realize that that stage exactly where you're at was so tiny. Like you said, it's only been a few months. In a year's time, in two years, three years, what you'd probably 10 years is going to look different for you. And so you might put on weight in the first bit, you might lose weight, you might stay the same way. We just don't know how your body is going to react and how things might be different in a year's time because you might be at that stage where you only want to eat the foods that have been denied to you all of your life and you need to be, you need to be doing that to heal your relationship.
And so this stage you could just be eating those foods in a year's time. You might be like, I'm bored of those foods or not. You still love those foods and you could in the stages of intuitive eating one of the final stages is gentle nutrition and wanting to add in more variety, wanting to see how different things make your body feel and all that type of stuff. And we don't know what that does to your body either. Like in regards to weight gain or weight loss or whatever, we just don't know. What we do know is when we are eating in a way where we're listening to what our body wants and needs, our weight will stabilize and it could take months, weeks use. We just don't know. And so it could be that you're at the stage where your weight is increasing at the moment and it could increase until infinity.
Not that that's gonna happen, but you know, we just don't know is what I'm saying. You don't know what your, what is going to do, you have to trust in the process. So weight gain is not inevitable. That's the first thing I want to say. And so how can I embrace or even love my weight gain? I think you said it perfectly in the end of your question when you said this is me healing your weight gain is a, is a physical manifestation and representation of your healing, your maybe your body image issues, your, your feelings around food and dieting and all that type of stuff. It literally is you becoming better and more. Well and so working on that internalized fatphobia of, of seeing fatness or weight gain as a negative is a big one. Working on that. And so what positive things does having a big body mean to you that you no longer have an eating disorder?
I don't know if you had an eating disorder that you're recovering, that you're saying fuck you to diet culture. A big thing for me is that embracing my fatness is stepping out of a system that hurts me. Let me read you this quote. This is my, one of my favorite quotes I'd say all the time because it's so powerful. This is by Naomi Wolf. She wrote the Beauty Myth but has a quote, A culture fixated on female fineness is not an obsession about female beauty, but an obsession about female obedience. Dieting is the most potent political sedative in women's history. A quietly mad population is attractable one. Let me read it again cause this is really important. Listen to what I'm saying. A culture fixated on female fineness is not an obsession about female beauty, but an obsession about female obedience. Dieting is the most potent political sedative in women's history.
A quietly mad population is attractable one. So the way that I see my fat body and I put on weight when I stopped dieting, I'm, I'm, I have a bigger body now and the way that I see it is that I was exactly what this quote was saying was I was keeping myself mad and distracted pursuing this useless thing which was having a, having weight loss, having a smaller body, pointless, you know, it didn't make me a better person. It didn't make me grow as an individual. It didn't leave me any, any energy to do the things that I deserve to do in my life because my, I was just fixated on becoming thin and this dream that what would happen when I became thin and so we're tired, right? As, as dieters, you're tired, you're exhausted, your brain is just done because all your brain power, most of it is being spent on, I'm going to go on how many calories is in this slice of salary and how many calories in a pea and how many and what can I eat them. I bought him a lot his plan this meal, LA, I'm thinking about your body and how shit it is and all that type of stuff. And so you don't have the energy to do cool shit. There's no way that I could have done any of the stuff that I have done. Writing a book, having my own business, moving to a different country, being fucking on my [inaudible] if I was still dieting, no way, Jose. Not in a million years because I was distracted with bullshit. And so is the weights that you are gaining, is that a representation of the chains that you are taking off your mind and your body? Is it a rebellion? Is it radical? Is it political? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Total are those things right? It is radical and political. You are making a statement with your body that says, fuck you.
This culture that is fixated on thinness on white power, on male dominance, on all of the oppressive systems that are used to keep everyone down who is not in that position of power. And you don't want to bind to that, right? You don't want to buy into that, but you forget because you forget like what is behind dieting. You think it's about you. It's not about you. It's about keeping us, all of us controlled is keeping us sedated so we cannot rise up and I don't know about you, but it is about time that everyone who is dieting rises up and says, fuck this shirt. I don't know if you believe that, but I believe that because it's just a waste of time, energy, money, money and ah, dreams and goals and all that type of stuff. So yeah, what does that fatness, what is the positive aspect of that fatness to you? And you might be thinking scared of the negative aspects and the negative aspects. You can explore that, write that down and believe and think, is this true? And some of that's going to help is that free download the Fat Cutting Workbook, the False Assume Truths workbook. Because this question, it's fear, right? This question is fear and it's false assumed truths, right? A truth, a fact is something that is 100% true 100% of the time.
And so these, these beliefs, they're not truths, right? They're not, they're not fat. They're not fat. And it's not fact that you are going to be the fattest one. And therefore if you're the fattest one, then this will happen. And this is this, you know, X, Y, Z, and then you're gonna end up homely lonely and alone and everyone will hate you. And it's just a belief if it's a belief. And the good thing about beliefs is we can change them holding you. Sometimes you just need someone to give you a different viewpoint and it can be revolutionary, right? One of the, I made a new friend at LA and I was like, let's take a picture together. And she's like, okay, but let's put the camera up high I and I was like, why? And she said, cause it'll make me look thinner.
And I was like, why would you want that? And she was like, Oh damn. And I kept challenging her in like whenever she'd say things like, cause we were talking about fat stuff, not just randomly. I'm not just like stop being, you know, I'm not like a jerk or anything. But that's fine if you want to challenge people all the time, but it doesn't make you a jerk. But anyway we was talking about fatness and all these fucked up beliefs that we have and she was just like, what? Oh yeah. Oh my God. And you know, why, why do I want to look thinner and why do we believe that, you know, health and way so heavily correlated. And why do and so any of these things, these, these fears, these fears there's something going on behind them and its beliefs.
And so unpacking those beliefs and being like, is this true? Is it true? I dunno. Is it a fact? Remember a fact is 100% true 100% of the time? Or is it a belief? Is it a belief that we want to let go off? Cause we have lots of beliefs and they serve us right? Lots of beliefs, you know, we need them and somebody who's don't service. So let's get rid of those nasty ass beliefs that are keeping us stuck. They suck. Yes. So I have answered your question.
Fandom fact about me. Today's fact is my favorite food. I really like pizza. My favorite pizza is from Dominoes. I love it cause I put that meal stuff on the bottom, you know? Do you know what I mean? It makes it kind of gritty. I don't know if it's called mill or something I've known so , I know it tastes good, but my favorite topping is a green olives, mushrooms and light jalapenos, which I then peel off. Like I'm such a wimp when it comes to hotness, but I'd like a little spice. And so I do like jalapenos and when I get it, I peel it off. And so it's just got the essence of jalapeno and that's hot enough for me. People who see me doing this and like, what the fuck? Why do you even order the jalapenos and take them all off. Trust me, I can taste the essence. It's beautiful. And sushi and I'm really craving some sushi now because I'm in rural Ireland, they don't have sushi. And when I was in LA, sushi is like a $17,000 per roll. So I was like, nah, this is probably, and I had sushi before in LA and it wasn't that great. I'll wait to get back to Vancouver because she sushi is cheap and delicious. So I, I'm looking forward to having some sushi.
My favorite sushi is maybe like, Oh yeah, this is one cord is his car. I think it's called you and me being, and it's like edamame me beans and like cone flakes on top and then probably avocado, something like that. Yeah. So I'm a vegetarian by the way. If you hadn't noticed and like why you ain't just no bread, no meal, those and, but I don't care if other people are vegetarians or vegans or whatever you do. You, I'm just not that interested in me. And I can do an episode about if you can be a vegetarian and intuitive eating, if you want, let me know if you want that. The answer is maybe for me, yes, but it's a maybe it's a maybe it depends if you're using vegetarianism as a restriction thing or if you just have a preference for not eating me for whatever reason.
I'm also a big food thing that I love because I'm Irish. My mom's Irish is potatoes obviously there's something in Ireland. I've literally eaten a 200% increase in potatoes. So, and I did this thing, this genetic testing thing and it said you have a very high tolerance for potatoes. And I was like, yeah, no shit. Like my ancestors went through the potato famine. And so they love a better potatoes. Yeah. So I do like a potato. My favorite potato would be a roast potato hmmm. But a proper roast potato. None of this fucking bullshit where it's not crispy. I've seen so many roads, potatoes, like roast potatoes, they say roast potatoes. When you get your eggs Benedict and these like wet tiny cubes come out. And I'm like, these motherfuckers ain't roast potatoes. These are wet cubes or potatoes. I'm still eating that shit. But still it's not a roast potato. Roast potato is like a quarter of a potato baked for like an hour with you know, oil so that it's crunchy on the outside. That is a roast potato. Don't be coming up with those fucking nasty wet cubes and call numerous potatoes cause that ain't a roast potato. Anyway, I'm on my roast potato high horse.
So, reminder that February is the Fierce Fatty loving yourself month where I'm doing tons of training for ya. So check this show notes to sign up for the free training guaranteed to blow your mind, to entertain you, make you say hmmmm yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup. And feel good afterwards.
So come join me and if you enjoyed this episode, why don't you share on social media? If you do, I will put you in to win for the possibility to win a Fierce Fatty cup. And if you write a review for the show in the review, it doesn't even have to be long. You can just be like, this is good. I like her. She is very sexually attractive. You know, you can just put a thumbs up with five stars. Take a screenshot before you submit it, send it to me victoria@fiercefatty.com and I will send you a digital and audio version of my best selling book Fierce Fatty. How good is that? Literally you can just wrap an emoji there and send it to you because the more reviews that the show has, the more likely people are going to find it and we want to spread this Fierce Fatty message, don't we? Yes. We want the world filled with Fierce Fatties just gobbling up things and loving themselves and yeah, all that stuff.
Okay. Well thank you for tuning in. I appreciate it. Thank you. Really, I appreciate it to know that your listening and yeah, taking the time out of your day to tune in or, yeah, it's pretty cool. It's amazing. So I'll see you on the next episode Fierce Fatty. Good bye.
EP15 Transcript
Hello and welcome to episode 15 of the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm your host, Victoria Welsby. And in today's episode, we're talking about mental health, PTSD and EMDR. All are acronyms. So let's get into it.
You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm Victoria Welsby, TEDx speaker, best selling author, and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self-esteem to being a courageous and confident Fierce Fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living in a fat body is bad, but what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century. So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty Podcast. Let's begin.
Okay, so today's episode is going to be pretty heavy and I wanted to give a trigger warning. In the show notes, but before we start that, I'm going to be talking about things like abuse abuse on a minor rape, starvation binge-eating. I'm going to be mentioning a pedophile and talking about this all in relation to mental health and post-traumatic stress disorder. So if you're feeling like any of those topics could trigger you, did I say binge-eating as well? Binge-eating I guess I didn't mention that. So if you're feeling like any of those topics might trigger you, then skip this episode. But if not, then come along and let's talk about this really important topic.
So I want to be talking about living with depression. I live with depression and PTSD and what has actually worked for me, in so much as you can overcome this deep shit. And the reason why I wanted to do this episode is because one of my most recent posts on the interwebs, on Instagram, on Facebook. I had a lot of people saying, thank you so much for sharing this. This is exactly how I'm feeling. It's so nice to know that I'm not alone. And this has given me some hope. And so I thought, you know what, I'm going to put this into an episode. And I never thought I would be doing an episode like this because talking about my mental health, I want to say issues, my mental health in general has not been something that I've done. It's something that I've hidden and not purposefully. I just didn't want to talk about it. And I've realized that, you know, I talk about so many different intimate parts of my life and this is a big one.
Talking about it helps me and maybe it might help you. So I'm going to share some of my experiences and talk about the different things I did and what has worked, what hasn't worked. And of course I'm not a therapist, I'm a coach, I'm not a therapist. So what I'm sharing is my story. It's, I'm not giving you medical advice or mental health advice or anything like that. It's all for information purposes only. And if you have to pick up something that I'm putting down and it's useful to you, then great. But I'm not a doctor, okay. So just a disclaimer there. I like to think of myself as someone who is super, super fortunate and privileged. If you listen to episode two and you know anything about my kind of general life story you might know that I was brought up in the UK in a city called Peterborough, which is voted. What a city in the UK to live.
Very, not all of it is rough, but there's lots of very rough areas. And I was brought up in one of the roughest areas and we live next to a traveler site. And we lived in a counselor state and so we lived and we were very poor. We lived amongst very poor people and we were very poor, very underprivileged. You know, probably the, you know, not the poorest of the poor in the city, but not far from it. So the area we lived in was very dangerous, very, very dangerous. And one of the reasons why it was dangerous is that there were a lot of sexual predators. It felt like a lot. I don't know if, if that's a reality, but well, you know, you be the judge of that when retelling the story it felt like there was a lot of sexual predators around.
So I can't remember for certain how old I was, but between the age of 7 and 10, I know it was when I was in primary school there was a local pedophile and I didn't know that he was doing it to other people. I think he was, but he would come to our house and my mum would be at work and we, I'd come home from school with my little sister and when I would be out in the garden, he would come and expose himself to me. So I would be out in the garden playing and he would be standing in the bushes cause our garden like kinda went onto a bushes onto a field. So it was more secluded and just stand there in decently exposing himself. So the first time he did it immediately I thought I've been wrong.
I've been bad, I've been naughty. And I went and ran to my oldest sister and didn't tell her but just said I really want to do some homework. Like I needed to repent or something for the bad thing that I just up. He kept coming back and actually one day when I was walking with my friend underpass, he was stood there. I don't know if it was the same guy, but I presume so who knows. He was just at the exposing himself to me and my friend and he came back again when I remember playing on my bike in front of my house and he was just stood there watching me play and my mum noticed him and said, Victoria, come in, come in. And I hadn't told my mum what was happening. Until I told a friend, actually, this is a different friend. And she was like, you need to tell your mum. And I remember she was like a little bit wiser, older or whatever. I remember going in and telling my mum and my mum being horrified obviously. And so when she saw this guy exposing himself again, she rushed in and told my brother and my older brother and my brother chased him and couldn't catch him, which is a shame. Later, a few years later actually in the same area that underpass, someone was raped and I'm very sure that it was probably the same guy because of escalation of behavior. But I don't know for sure. Anyway, so this experience when I was between the age of 7 to 10 really messed with my head obviously. And because it happened at home, home is somewhere where you meant to be safe. And I wasn't safe, I literally wasn't safe at home and we were too poor to do anything about it.
Like we couldn't move. We reported to the police, but, you know, what could the police do really, unless like they caught him in the act and I was just terrified to be at home and to walk around the streets where I lived because he was literally hanging out in the streets, hanging out in the bushes, like in the playgrounds that were there, which were really run down and dangerous anyway, but he'd be hanging out there in the bushes. And anytime that I would hear any kind of noise in the bushes, I'd be like, Oh my God, it's him. And I'd be terrified and run home. But then a home, I wasn't safe. And so home, I became very deeply traumatized, so I couldn't be left in a room alone. So I always had to have someone in a room with me that included going to the toilet.
So I couldn't go to the toilet on my own at top of my mum, come to the toilet with me because I was so terrified. I couldn't walk up the stairs unless there was someone in front of me or they'll and also someone behind me. I couldn't sleep without the light zone. I couldn't like look out the window into the garden because I thought he could see me in the garden, all sorts of stuff. So how this happened, I don't know. I was so lucky. My mom took me to my local doctor and told him about what I was experiencing and I got to go to therapy for free. I'm just so thankful that that happened, that my mum recognize that she should try and do something because they'd been lots of mental health issues in the family and it had not ever been kind of like a solution sought for it.
But I think it was, this was like such an extreme case where I couldn't do anything and I would just be screaming and crying so terrified. And I went to see a therapist and we did cognitive behavioral therapy. And so what that was for me was testing myself and pushing myself, trying to try and do something that was scary, but not that scary. So, for example, I remember the first time after therapy, she tossed me to try something. And the first thing I did was to stand in the living room, just at the doorway of the living room. And my mom stood at the doorway of the kitchen, which was like half a meter away, so I could still see her and then like do that for a minute. I remember writing down like how scared I was, like 10 out of 10 scared.
And I did it for a minute and the next time we increased it to two minutes and next time, three minutes, next time I'd go in the room, next time I would do this and every time it would improve. And I began to not be scared anymore. But because I was legitimately not safe, I could never not be 100%, not scared because I needed to be because I literally was unsafe. And so walking around the neighborhood not only did you have to worry about, you know, getting, you know, attacked by people in the neighborhood, but also being attacked by, you know, grown pedophiles. So that was my first experience with therapy and I'm very, very thankful that I experienced that. And what cognitive behavioral therapy really helped me do was it really helped me throughout the rest of my life of understanding about fear and how powerful fear is and how unreasonable fear is.
You know, it can come from a very reasonable place, but how it just makes no sense in your head if you're scared or something. It doesn't matter if someone's like, but it's not scary. Your safe, it doesn't matter. Like you know, I was scared to even flush the toilet and it didn't matter if, you know, my mom was like, why, what do you think is going to happen if you flush a toilet? You know, it didn't, no, it didn't. It wasn't rational, right. and how you can really break down fear. Anything, any thoughts so this fear was so debilitating that I would, you know, constantly be terrified that I could overcome that such a young age and break it down into small pieces was a real self esteem builder in regards to being brave in life and trying things and knowing that I could overcome it.
And I truly do feel like this about everyone, like whatever thing that you might be struggling with, if you break it down into little things and you're kind with yourself and do the easiest amount possible. If you do want to overcome a certain fear then it is a lot more manageable than someone just, you know, trying to force you to do something and it becomes even more traumatizing. I know there was times where my sister, my younger sister would get frustrated with me, like she was really young and so, cause she would always have to be the person that would hang around with me. And she, you know, if we hadn't fight or whatever, she'd be like, I'm going to leave the room. And she left the room and I'd like, ah, my God and it made it worse sort of thing. So it's like, you know, when people are scared to swim and then someone will come and be like, chuck him in the pool and be like, that will teach them. And I'm like, no, that will give them trauma.
Yeah. So I mentioned before there was mental health issues in my household. My dad was an alcoholic. He suffered from depression and anxiety so much so my dad should never have got married or had children. Like he really should have just been a bachelor, like that would have made him happy in life. But I think he was trying to conform and you know, do what he was supposed to do, but really an old in an alternate universe. There's a version of my dad out there who never got married and had kids and is happy as Larry. So much so about my dad's anxiety and depression.
My mom had had two kids together and then my mom got pregnant with me and the thought of another child he just couldn't handle. He was just like, absolutely no way, we can't have another child. Now my mom is an Irish Catholic and doesn't believe in, I don't know now what she thinks about abortions. I think she's very kind of like touchy on the subject. But at the time she didn't believe in abortions and my dad wanted her to get an abortion to get rid of me and my mom is so soft and meek and mild and my dad was a bully, so I'm really surprised that she didn't. And so because she said no, he said, if you don't, I will kill myself. And I'm really surprised my mom did this. She said, no, I'm keeping this baby and so my dad, my dad went ahead and he overdosed on his antidepressant that he was taken at the time.
This is the first time I had my dad ever got an antidepressant. He overdosed on it and then he wasn't successful and they just took it away from him. That was the idea about around mental health at the time. It was like, well, he overdosed and he's a nuisance and don't give him any more mental health, you know, don't give him any more medicine because he's clearly, I don't know, like I was talking to my mom about this the other day. Like, what if someone is at the point where they attempt suicide, they need help. And obviously it was an abusive thing for him to do that to my mom, like ultimatum, like get an abortion or I will die. That totally wasn't cool. And when I found out about that, he did this obviously make me feel like a big bag of shit.
Now I have a different perspective of like, Whoa man, he was dealing with some really difficult mental health stuff and this is the only way that he could see to solve the problem. So I have that in my family. My dad had deep, deep anxiety, unable to go to go shopping and stores because if there was too many people, it would make them too anxious and he would store them off. At the time, I didn't interpret this as anxiety at the time. I was just like, Oh, he's such a dick. He's such a mean person. He died a couple of years ago and reflecting with my auntie, we were like, do you know what? I think that he was autistic as well as having anxiety. He wasn't able to relate with people. He was very, lots of signs of being somewhere on the autistic spectrum.
Which is a shame that we didn't recognize that while he was alive because it makes so much sense. But when you're a kid or when you're in someone's life, sometimes it takes a step back to realize, you know, they're not just a Dick. They've got something else going on, you know, it's about, it's about their brain and stuff. I remember writing in my diary, I had a diary. I still have a diary. I had a diary from the age of 10 or 11. It is fucking hilarious. There's so much shit in there. Like, Oh my God, I can't believe Rachel said that and then Irene did this and then, Oh my gosh, she thought a batch, you know, all that sort of bullshit. And there's also really sad things and that I remember clearly, I don't have my diary with me cause I'm in hundred at the moment is in Vancouver.
But I remember clearly writing a line in there saying, you know, I will definitely suffer from depression as an adult. There's no way that I can't, from all of the shit that's happening as a child. Which was quite insightful. Now I think that I was already depressed as a child. I often couldn't go to school because I was too anxious to do it because of different pressures. Like I would, I would play the trumpet and I couldn't handle going to my music lesson and things like that. But it wasn't treated like there's something wrong with maybe something, you know, Victoria's mental health might need to be looked at, was more kind of like she's lazy. And that's what I felt was, you know, I'm lazy because I don't want to do that. As well in regards to my mental health, then I was binge eating and also restricting.
Hence why binge-eating because I lived in a very kind of anti fat and diets positive household and so there was a lot of body image issues and self esteem issues going on there. So I was also doing that. So who knows why I as an adult you know, currently, I don't know if I will always have depression. I don't know if it was either, if you're always just a depressed person who manages a depression, I don't know. I don't know what the answer to that is, but I think it's a combination of the genes from my dad. You know, his mental health was, you know, an area that he should have been able to focus on, but the times, you know, meant that he couldn't or maybe it was the stuff that happened in my life, kind of difficult childhood and all that type of stuff that made it more difficult for my mental health.
Who knows, right. But that's just who I am. So by the time I was 17, I met a 30 year old guy. Creepy as fuck. And of course at this stage I had very low self esteem, you know, being a fat teenager coming from a place where at the time I was homeless you know, difficult childhood, alcoholic dad all sorts of stuff. So I was just prime pickings for a creepy older guy who went on to abuse me. So because of my low self worth and because I've never seen a healthy relationship in real life like my dad was, I mentioned domineering, my mum was the the dormant. It was kind of in my mind maybe that was my role too, to be a doormat, to be agreeable. And of course, I basically was dating the, you know, my dad, which is just so cliched.
But this guy was even worse than my dad cause this guy was actually deeply abusive. So I spent two years with this guy and where my mental health was at that time, maybe, you know, I was struggling with my mental health. And things was tough and I had really low self esteem, but he took that and being with him plunge that into the darkest depths that I had never experienced, where I longed to go back to that dysfunctional household with the alcoholic father and all that sort of jazz to begin with. He was so charming. And now if there was a 17 year old girl who told me the story about how she met this guy in the club and the guy for stars, I met him in his club where like loads of children were hanging around like literally like I was 17 in the club.
Is you go to the club, it's legal in 18 in the UK, so it doesn't seem as bad as it is, but he was, he was 30 and hanging around. Well, all these 17 year olds and he came up to me instead of saying, Oh, can I buy you a drink? He was like, can I buy you a pop? Oh my God. Like, hello, a red flag. Like he really liked treating me like a very young, young child, so that's like so fucked up. He would always buy me Teddy bears and he would want me to take Teddy bears out with me. Like say if we went out anyway, he put those, a Teddy bears in my back for me. He wanted me to dress like a school girl. He want my hair in pigtails. He basically wanted a child and he would always be like, Oh, you're so old.
You're so old. Like, Oh, you're 17. And then when I turned 18, he was just like, Oh God. Like, you know, Oh my God. Now I'm just like, what the fuck? And that's just the beginning of it. He started controlling me, very emotionally abusive. He began to be physically abusive, but in ways where I excused it, like, Oh yeah, but you know, he might've hit me but we were falling asleep and, you know, maybe I knocked him or something and that's why he punched me in the head. You know, I would make excuses for it and cause it was sporadic. It was never like, Oh well, you know, he beat me up. It was always like, well, you know, I just make excuses. Something that he did, which really, really, really fucked with me because I was very vulnerable around this as well was food.
He put me on a, a diet. I say diet. He actually, what he did was he staffed me. He would give me, he decided what I was allowed to eat and it was hardly anything, did not meet any of like the food groups. Like if I had carried on with this diet and he'd given me, I would have died from malnutrition because it was just bread and processed cheese and a tin of like spaghetti hoops. So, and if I deviated from this plan that he had for me, I would be in big trouble. Now, as we know, if you restrict, then your body will rebel and will make you focus on food because you need it. You need it to survive. And imagine that being, I was restricting myself because I thought this was a good thing. It was very kind that he was helping me lose weight because I was so fat and disgusting.
So he was being very charitable to help me lose weight in this way. So I had him controlling me and I had myself controlling me and my poor body was just like, feed me. Oh my God. And so then whenever I did have chances, say when he went to work or I went round to see a friend or spent some time with family or whatever, I would deviate from this plan and I would feel terrible about it. I'd feel terrible that I had eaten food, you know, and I would think, Oh my God, I'm so greedy because I had a slice of pizza or something and Oh man, he would do things the weekend. He would order himself pizza and fries and salad, and he would sit there and, and eat that. And I would be there just salivating. He would not absolutely not let me have any at all.
Maybe sometimes and it would be like, Oh, you can only have like the tiniest amount. And he would save it and the next day he would have the leftovers. And if he ever caught that I had any of his leftovers, he would literally count how many of whatever his takeaway he'd have, how many he had of this and he would remember. And so if I had snuck in like a chip, he'd be like, there's something. You had a chip, didn't you? You did, didn't you? You're so greedy. I'm on top of this. He was also an alcoholic. And so the times when he would pass out from drink that's when I might try and sneak food and hope that he would forget because he was drunk and think, Oh, maybe he ate it and I'd get away with it that way.
And I remember one morning waking up, he had passed out the night before with him storming into the room cause he'd passed out in the living room and hadn't come to bed holding up a bag. The takeaway bag, and he was like, you ate a chicken ball, didn't you? And I was, you know, he like burst in, woke me up and I was just like, what, what? No, no, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't. And he was just like, you're so greedy. You're just so disgusting. You can't even help yourself. And I think I was just like, yeah, I eventually had to admit it to him because he was like, I counted them and stuff. But it was just so head fucking RP to put it lightly. On top of this he also raped me. He would, one evening he got drunk and he would want me to be drunk too.
But I wasn't really a big drinker. I was always wary of being a big drinker because of my dad being an alcoholic and he was trying to force me to get drunk. And he passed out and then I went to bed thinking, Oh God, I've escaped him, force feeding me alcohol. But then he came into the bedroom and raped me. Now at the time, I didn't know that, that was rape. Like I just thought, I just have to, I just have to put up with this. I just have to, you know, at least he's not shouting at me, you know, at least he's not throwing things or threatening me. Like this was like in my mind, a lower level of abuse. And so it was a more favorable outcome than him forced drink feeding me wine, right. And it was only years later and I, you know, looking back and being like, Oh yeah, that was abuse. So yet that was this. No, yeah, that was not okay. I knew that I didn't like it, right. Or everything that he was doing. I knew he didn't make me feel good. I knew I was afraid of him. I knew that he was an alcoholic and I knew that that was not a good thing. Like I knew, but my slow self esteem didn't allow me to say I'm outta here. And of course it's very dangerous to leave abusive relationships anyway. So this is where I got the bulk of my trauma from. The bulk of my PTSD came from this two year relationship. Eventually, I got a job working in a bar. I started making more friends. I became more independent friends that he didn't know of and because the bar was very transient and things like that.
And so I was able to make friends with people he didn't know or he didn't know where they lived. He didn't know the telephone number. And one of the friends there helped me escape. The bounces from the bar that I worked at came round with me one day a day that I knew who was out and we collected a few of my things. One of the bouncers, this will maybe make you make you feel happy. One of the bouncers after we left, he was like, I went and just, I went and did a big poo in his toilet and I was like, Oh my God, that's so awful. And one thing is because this ex boyfriend wouldn't let me go to the toilet. He wouldn't let me poo which is so fucked up. And so I had to wait for him to leave the house if I ever needed to go to the toilet. I was allowed to wee but not poo. And if he ever caught me using the toilet to do a poo, he just be berate me and be like, you're so disgusting. I can't believe you do that anyway. And so there's this bouncer, I did a poop in the toilet, left the poo there, and rubbed his toothbrush on the poop. And I was just like, Oh my God, he's going to think that that's my poo. And I was like, really embarrassed, but now I'm just like, fuck. Yeah, like leave the poo. Yeah. So of course he didn't stop there and he harassed. He threw a brick through my sister's window, blah, blah, blah. I went to court and got a restraining order that didn't stop him. He came to my place of work, punched my boss stopped my sister, my sister's boyfriend, and eventually I left the city because it wasn't safe.
But can you imagine then after that experience, where my mental health was, where I was around food. I was so confused about food and so messed up around food because I, you know, him putting me on this quote unquote diets starving me I thought was a good thing because I was so out of control. I couldn't control myself. Whenever he left, I went and I got bought food and I ate food when he wasn't there. And all I thought about was food. As soon as I woke up in the morning, I remember my eyes opening, I additional remember thinking, yes, I get to eat my breakfast, which was a tiny breakfast and then it would be counting down until I'm allowed to have my lunch. And so I was like, Oh my God, I need to go to like ovary is anonymous and like Googling that and instead I went and did weight watchers, which just taught me even more how to be disordered around food. Like literally they're teaching you, you know, tips and tricks on how to improve your eating disorder, right. So that was fun.
I didn't have any support for my mental health around best time but something fortunate happened. And that fortunate thing was when I was about 21, I was riding my bicycle and I got to a roundabout and a woman behind me in a car ran me over. And I wasn't injured that badly. I'd like hurt my elbow and like bruised all over. But because of that, I was scared to ride my bike. And, and the insurance company does a thing where they send you to your doctor and then you tell the doctor what's going on with you. And I mentioned, Oh, I'm scared to ride my bike. And I just saw that was that I was never going to ride my bike again. And the doctor said, okay, we'll send you to therapy. And I thought, whatever. And the therapy that we did was something called EMDR. Now, what EMDR stands for, there's a word here that I already struggled to say , Eye Movement Desensitization. I literally have it spelled out phonetically. Desensitization and Reprocessing, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. I've cracked it. I can say that word now. And I was so fortunate to discover this. So I had to experience this, this minor trauma of being hit by a car. Well, you know, it is a big trauma, but in my life, that was like a drop in the ocean compared to everything that I'd experienced up until that point. And so I went to this therapist and he said, we're going to try this thing, EMDR. And I was like, sounds fucking nuts to me, but I thought, I don't care. I'm not paying for this therapy. And we've got 10 sessions of therapy, do whatever. And so what he did, and I'll explain more about what EMDR is, is I didn't know at the time is actually very legitimate, legitimate form of therapy.
It's not some quack medicine or whatever, but it looked like that to me when I walked in and he had a a row of led lights on this stand. And he had, he'd put pulses in your hand and you'd wear headphones. And in their headphones, it would be like a beat from one side of the ear to a beat to the other side and the lights would go left, right, left, right. And you'd be watching them and the pulse would be not left right, left, right. And what this is doing is it is processing the trauma that you're currently experiencing. So trauma is, it's something that we think is a current threat, right? So most of our experiences in life, we don't remember them because they're not eventful. So the really good things that happened and the really bad things that happened, they stand out.
We remember them. Because they were big positive emotion or, or a big negative emotion. And when we have trauma, we think that we still have a current threat. And so we can't let it go because it's not safe for us to let it go if we are still under this current threat that our brain thinks we are. And so, you know, when you're falling asleep and you experience REM, Rapid Eye Movement, your eyes are flickering left and right. That is a time where your brain is processing is what, you know, thoughts and feelings, what's happened in the day. And I like to explain it like your brain is putting categorizing things as a memory or things as something they want to remember or, or a a trauma. And so like your memory of brushing your teeth that morning that can just go into the library and one side of your brain and on the other side of your brain is where all the scary and happy stuff goes.
The stuff that you want to remember or maybe you know, don't want to remember. But it's important to remember things like trauma to keep you safe. And so REM, what EMDR does is it kind of moves your eyes left to right, left or right and it's processing. It's doing that processing that REM does, but it's guided by a therapist who helps you understand that trauma and helps you process it to get it to a point where it is no longer traumatic. So it's taking it out from that one side of the brain where it says this is trauma and it puts it into the other side where it says, this is just a memory and it's no longer a current threat and it's fucking magical. Whoa.
Let me read you this definition from emdr.com about EMDR. So I'll give you a little bit more information. So EMDR is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences. Repeated studies show that by using EMDR therapy, people can experience the benefits of psychotherapy that once took years to make a difference. It is widely assumed that several emotional pain, so no severe emotional pain requires a long time to heal. EMDR therapy shows that the mind can in fact heal from psychological trauma much as the body recovers from physical trauma. When you cut your hand, your body works to close the wound. If a foreign object or repeated injury irritates the wound, it festers and causes pain once the block has removed, healing resumed. EMDR therapy demonstrates that a similar sequence of events occurs with mental processes. The brain's information processing system naturally moves toward mental health. If the system is blocked or imbalanced by the impact of a disturbing event, the emotional wound festers and can cause intense suffering once the block is removed, healing resumed using the detailed protocols and procedures learned in EMDR therapy training sessions clinicians help clients activate their natural healing processes more than 30 positive controlled outcome studies have been done on EMDR therapy. Some of the studies show that 84 to 90% of single trauma victims no longer have posttraumatic stress disorder after only three 90 minute sessions. Another study funded by HMO Kaiser Permanente, Lord found that 100% of the single trauma victims and 70% of multiple trauma victims no longer were diagnosed with PTSD after only six 50 minute sessions. In other study, 77% of combat veterans were free of PTSD in 12 sessions. That has been so much research on EMDR therapy that is now recognized as an effective form of treatment for trauma and other experiences by organizations such as the American psychiatric association the world health organization and the department of defense. EMDR therapy involves attention to three time periods, the past, the present, and the future focus is given to pass disturbing memories and related events. Also, it is given to current situations that cause distress and to developing the skills and attitudes needed for positive future actions with EMDR therapy. These items are addressed using an eight phase treatment approach.
So that is from emdr.com and what that actually looks like in layman's terms is sitting with the therapist and with the beeps or the pulses or the lights or whatever the therapist uses can just be touching your knee with their fingers after, right? There's lots of different methods. They will say, okay, let's think about there'll be preparation before this. So you're not just, let's think about the traumatic experience. It's you're in a safer environment and then now we'll walk you through the experience and they'll talk about it and you will be, your eyes will start flickering.
It's the strangest thing. So you're there if your eyes are closed, they'll just start flickering. Like you're in REM and you almost feel like you're in a dream state. It's the most bizarre, wonderful, magical thing ever. And within about three sessions, I was no longer afraid to ride my bike. I was riding my bike and big roundabouts riding around, happy as Larry. And so he was like, well, we've got more sessions. What else do you want to work on? And I was like, well, I know I get car sick and so we did cost being car sick. It was magical and that was like a small trauma. So it worked really well really quickly and we just kind of did bullshit stuff of the next, of the following 10 sessions. I can't remember what we did, but I was like, what is this stuff? And it stuck with me. I didn't have the time. I don't know why, but I didn't at the time. Think, why don't we use this to talk about the other stuff. I was could know, I could know at the time, I remember this, that therapist was like, tell me about your family. And he just said, okay, what about your dad? And I just started crying and he's like, why are you crying? And I was just like, I couldn't even say. And he's like, is it because you love your dad? And I was like, yeah, I couldn't even talk about my dad, never mind. All of the other stuff that I'd been through. So I wasn't in the stage, at that stage yet to talk about it. So I moved to Canada and luckily Canada is more of you know, everyone has a therapist and people are more likely to talk about therapy than in the UK where it still is very much more stigmatized.
And the idea that there's something wrong, you know, your defective if you go to therapy or you know, something like that. So after I'd been in Canada for a few years, I started going to talk therapy. So, CBD, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and it was it was okay, but it wasn't getting to what I really wanted to get to. And what I really wanted to get to was getting rid of the nightmares I had every single nights I wanted to get rid of, you know, someone said my name too loud, or if someone touched my elbow or if someone walked by me or someone sneezed, I would jump 10 feet in the air and be like, Oh my God, I'm screaming, I'm always on edge. And if my boyfriend at the time, like turned in bed, I'd be like, Oh my God. And my low self esteem and all that type of stuff.
And after a couple of years of talk therapy, I was like, it's not going away. And it came back to me that I had done this EMDR stuff and my GP at the time was like, Oh, it sounds like you need EMDR. And I was like, Oh shit. Yeah. EMDR. Like I hadn't taken it seriously. I was like, Oh, it's just for this like, you know, this little thing. And for travel sickness it's not actually for you know, heavy stuff. And how wrong was I? And so I luckily found my therapist who is still my current therapist and she was like specialized in everything that I was looking for. And it was also like a feminist therapy therapist. And I was just like, Oh my God, this is amazing. And we did EMDR for maybe a year, maybe doing two sessions a month.
And it was just incredible. I cannot even tell you honestly, like we'd go, I'd go into a session and I'd be like, Oh my God, I'm having this nightmare every night I'm having this nightmare, the same thing or whatever. And then we do a little bit of EMDR and you know, she would tap on my knees and so she tapped on my knees and my arm would start flickering and she'd like, just notice. And how do you feel about yourself? You know, on a scale of one to 10, how true do you believe it is that you are worthless and whatever it is I was feeling at the time and within one session, two sessions, that particular belief or thought it was like, no, I don't believe that anymore. I think that I'm great or I think that I'm, you know, I did the best that situation or I think that I was, you know, it's not my fault that I was abused or whatever it was and it was just revolutionary.
It was really, really life changing and we processed all of the trauma. Now I still go to her because I think that I always will need a therapist. I think everyone needs to have a therapist. Honestly. It's like saying, I don't ever want to go to the doctor again. It's like, well, well, you've got a body so you know, you need to look after it sort of thing. If you want it to be in the best health. And I have a brain on, I have a brain that has has depression. And so I look after my mental health as much as I can. And so I see her every maybe three weeks, every four weeks, every two weeks, depending on what's going on in my life at the time. And so now I just, we just chat, right? We just you know, just kind of standard type therapy and it's perfect.
And if I ever did experience something, experience anything traumatic or any of the traumatic things come up again, I would definitely do EMDR again. It's just absolutely incredible. It literally, I've said this word magic. It feels like magic because if you have trauma, you know, the amount of things that you're ruminating on, the trigger responses that you have, you can't, you can't help it. And people are like, relax and you're just like, I would love to, you know, I would love to not be scared when my boyfriend turns in bed. You know, I'd love to not scream in the office when someone sneezes, you know, it's embarrassing. I would love to sleep through the night and not have a nightmare. And you want that, you want to cure that. But, you know, talk therapy for me wasn't fixing it because it was something deeper, you know?
So in my work for you, you know, obviously everyone is different, but that was my experience that it was incredible. So even though I don't know if you say like, my PTSD is solved or it's done and I, you know, I've never have PTSD symptoms again. I don't know. But I know that, it's kind of like, it's an ongoing thing, right? Your mental health is an ongoing thing and my mental health is an ongoing thing and I really, really try to stay on top of it. Now, the posts that I mentioned earlier that people were responding to is I shared something which was very difficult for me to share. And that was that, so, you know, I did the show, the BBC show, Who Are You Calling Fat? So when I saw the show before it was released, it was edited in a certain way.
Now, they hadn't finished the edits, but basically it was going to stay the same as it was. I asked them to take a couple of things out and they said they were going to add a couple of other things to make me look more likable because they'd made me look like the villain. And then when they showed it on TV, they'd added in a couple of more things but made me look more, I don't know, unreasonable or unkind or you know, just not likable. 2.4 million people saw those two episodes and that was just the night. So now it's probably, you know, 3 million pluses, watched it on the replay and I got so many messages now. A lot of them were wonderful. They were really nice saying, thank you. You're amazing. You were great. You were the best thing on the show. LA, LA, LA, LA.
But a massive portion, which was what was expected. We're like, we hate you. You should die. You're a piece of shit. You're killing people. And what I really struggled with was, you know, it's not fine for people to hate me because I'm fat. That's not fine. But I was kind of like, I'm expecting that, but my views were not represented in the show in a way which was accurate. And so they would take soundbites and it would sound like I would, you know, it sounded like, Oh, I think that fat people never get diabetes. And I didn't say that in the show. But it would come across as like that. And so then people are like, she's fucking dangerous. This woman is encouraging people to get diabetes. And they'd be like, well that's not, that's not, that's not, well I think. Or there was a line that they had, I don't believe in health.
They used a snippet. I don't believe in health. Health is a social construct now. You don't hear the things I said before and after, which was that I don't believe in the way that we view health as a society where it's a binary where either you're healthy or unhealthy because health is shades of gray. Of course health is a thing. But then, you know, I've got people being like, ah, and it was nonstop. And of course I took myself off social media. I had my sister going through my messages and deleting them all and deleting all the horrible comments, but the trolls would they would get really creative and they would find ways to get in touch with me where they knew that I would see it. And so even though I was avoiding it as much as humanly possible, I was still getting bombarded with these messages about how you are a piece of shit.
Now, this all coincided with other difficult things that happened in my life in 2019. Lots of 2019 was a really shit year for me. So many things didn't go my way. Now I am a really resilient person because of all of this stuff I've done in therapy, years of therapy. I have learned to bounce back from things not going my way really easily. Like I'm a very, people would describe me as very positive very happy and all that type of stuff. But 2019 wore me the fuck down. And so then when the show came out, after a year of things not going my way, and I had, you know, all of these people telling me that I am such a bad person, that I have a bad personality, that I'm a bitch, that I'm you know, hurting children and all sorts of stuff, which is not true.
But I started to believe it. I started to believe it and I started to internalize those messages and I started to withdraw from my support network. And because I thought, Oh my God, I must be so embarrassing for them. I've made a fool of myself on TV. I didn't make a fool of myself, but this is how I was interpreting it. I've let down the fat positive community. I've made a laughing stock of the fat positive community. I think I know stuff and I don't, and I'm actually a very mean and cruel person and I started just to believe all this like these waves of messages just, just had infected my brain. And the thing is, trolls are really smart. So they'll try and come after every different thing, every different angle. So it wouldn't be just be like, you know, one thing it'd be, you know, Oh your hair is shit. And then someone else would be like, Oh my God, you've, you've not even got that many followers on Instagram or whatever. And then someone else would be saying something like, Oh your your dad would be so ashamed of you and like things like that. And it just got in, it got in and there was like a little crack in my brain because of the shitty year and they just got into my brain. And the result of that was me becoming suicidal and genuinely believing that I should die and thinking that I was a burden on my family, thinking that I was just an embarrassment thinking that no one really cared about me or, you know, I was just a nuisance sort of thing.
And thank God because of all of the work that I've done and the access I have to my therapist. Talking to my therapist. After a couple of sessions, she kind of snapped me out of it and I went back to all of the self care that I am used to doing and I was able to overcome that really quickly. Obviously, I'm still slowly overcoming that. Like, I didn't work for all of December and half of November. I still did the podcast because I wanted to. But I didn't work at all because I needed to protect myself. And luckily because I have my business, I could do that and not have too many questions being asked. Took myself off social media, I shut down my Twitter so people couldn't follow me or whatever. So yeah, so just to say that this stuff is hard, right? You can work years and years and years that your mental health and you can have a shit month or shit week, a shit day some shit circumstances happening.
And it could tumble down. Luckily because I've worked so hard at this. It was kind of like a stumble. It was like a wobble, but that wobble or could have had a very, very serious consequences. And of course it's serious anyway, just think that I shouldn't be on the planet anymore. But it's fucking hot out there, right. It's hot out. They are. Whew. So I shared that on social media. And something, the reason why I want you to share that is because I haven't often talked about my mental health and what is going on with me. I kept it very private. I would never tell colleagues like anytime that I was dealing with mental health issues, I would never like take time off work or I would try not to. I would never complain. I would never get the ask for the support that I actually needed. And that wasn't real. You know, that's not real. Like you might see Victoria as this very confident, positive, bubbly person and I am all of those things. But also I'm fighting something else, you know, day to day. I'm very happy. But I have to work at it. I have to work at it. And I am positive and also I can have days where I don't feel positive and I feel negative and that's the real Victoria. So I wanted to share that with you and share the work that has gone behind overcoming my PTSD and working at my depression and and as well, I have medications for to help with my depression and thanks Canada. Thanks Canada because Canada really helped get me to a place where I could think about going to a therapist and taking medicine and feel less stigmatized so it felt less, feel less ashamed, but you know, still did feel very ashamed because I wanted people to think that I had all of my shit together that I had. You know, I had a shitty past, but my future is absolutely 100% rosy and I don't think anyone's life is 100% rosy, right. I think that everyone struggles with feeling bad and feeling share it and maybe don't, people don't get to the point where they think that suicide is a potential option, but I'm sure a lot of people can imagine getting that, you know, to that place.
So yeah, I've been vulnerable in today's episode and even, you know, chatting now about this, before I started recording, I was saying to myself, Oh, maybe you shouldn't do this episode because people are gonna think that you summit wrong with you and that you are not professional and you are not. I don't know. You don't have it together and that you're just, just, my brain was telling me stupid stuff and I was like, no, that is due to the stick of stigma around mental health that you are believing those things Victoria. It is not true. It might be true. Some people might be thinking, Oh God, I hate it now. Now that I found out that she sometimes struggles with a mental health. I hate it. Well, you know, they're not the people that I want. Being a member of the Fierce Fatty community, right. So if you're struggling then I feel you, I feel you. I hope that you have a network around you, even if it is honestly, if you think that it's not valid. If your network is online, it is, is absolutely valid. And a lot of the times people who live in marginalized bodies, that is a place where they seek refuge. And so I did get a lot of refuge from people online and friends that I've met online who, some of them are now I've met in person because some of them live locally and some of them not. It has been invaluable just to have someone to say, Hey, you know, I've got your back, you know, or I hear you, or whatever, know that there are many people out there who support you, who want you to feel good, who think that the world is a better place because you're in it, right. So, yeah.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying about that. So a fact about me cause we're entering the episode. So I want to give you a little fact about me. I'm going to have to give you a picture for this so you can see it. But my fact about me today is that I have a wonky index finger. So you know, as a kid you suck your thumb. Well I used to suck my left index finger and then rub ribbon on my lip. And this means that my finger kind of has turned and so it doesn't go downwards. And so when I use my index finger and middle finger, if you do your English finger and middle finger, put them together and touch your thumb with both of them together, you can do that, right? So if I try that on my left hand my two fingers just split and I can't touch my thumb with my index finger. And so it means that my left index finger is like a useless finger. I can't use it to do things. So like if you're doing a button or using a knife and fork or typing on the keyboard, my finger is always up in the air cause it's basically I can't use it to do anything. So it's just hanging around, floating around in the air. I'll put a picture up on the show notes. Also in the show notes, which is fiercefatty.com/015. I'll put in a link to emdr.com so you can look more into EMDR if you want. Of course you don't have to, but it's there for you. And also if you are feeling suicidal, please reach out to someone, whether that be just Googling your local hotline that you can call or telling a friend or telling someone on the internet. You don't have to be alone, so please do that. And I'll put some links in the show notes too for you to reach out to get some support if you need it.
Oh, it's been a heavy one today, hasn't it? Thanks for for being with me. And if you enjoyed this episode and you got something from it, please leave a five star review for me on Stitcher or Apple podcasts, whatever you're listening to. And if you would like a free copy of my book as a thank you, take a screenshot before you submit it and send that to victoria@fiercefatty.com and I will send you an audio and digital version of my bestselling book, Fierce Fatty, and share on social that you are listening and tag me and I will put you in a draw to win a Fierce Fatty cup. So yes, thank you for hanging out with me today and I will see you Fierce Fatties next time.
EP14 Transcript
Hello and welcome to episode 14 of the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I am your host of Victoria Welsby and in today's episode we're talking about why intuitive eating isn't working for you. Let's do it.
You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm Victoria Welsby, TEDx speaker, best selling author, and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self-esteem to being a courageous and confident Fierce Fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living in a fat body is bad, but what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century. So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty Podcast. Let's begin.
Hello, hello my gorgeous souls. Welcome to this episode. How you doing? How you feeling? I'm feeling particularly good today cause it's getting brighter, isn't it? It felt almost like spring today where I am in in the middle of nowhere in Ireland, I had some birds tweeting and the sun is shining. I took my dog, Dougal out for a walk. It's so do you have a dog? Do you have dogs that like to rub their faces and their bodies in the most stinkiest, nastiest shit and disgustingness that they can find. My dog Dougal his smell, his nose receptive smell radar must be off the hook. Now I'm in the middle of nowhere and so I'm in like farm country and there's loads of like sheep poo and cow poo and just maneuver being sprayed on field and all sorts of things. And Dougal manages anytime that we go out to find the most disgusting smell. And when my back is turned for like 0.5 second, I'll turn around and he'll be like gleefully being like hahaha rubbing himself in this stuff. And he did it again today. I'm just like, no, what am I doing? And he did it the day before last and I have to give him a right every time he does this. And so I'm like, you know, bastard, why are you doing this to me? Yeah, but apart from that it was a nice walk and now the sun is not setting, but it's looking beautiful over the Irish Hills. I'm going to be here for a couple of more months and then in in Q one, sometime in Q one, I don't know when I'm going to be going back to Vancouver in Canada, which is where my base is. So anyway, that's what I've been up to cleaning up dirty dogs. And I took my mom's dog too, and she never does anything like that. But the thing that Dougal wrote in was so juicy that she did too. And so I'm like, Oh my God, my mom's dog is massive as well. This big fluffy the Jew looks dog, old English sheepdog. So I was like, why are you doing this to me?
Anyway, in today's episode we're talking about intuitive eating. I don't think that we've spoken much about intuitive eating yet, but it is a big part of what I teach. And the way that I live my life. And I think we should talk about it and what people struggle with in regards to intuitive eating. Because talking to people and coaching people, I see the same things come up again and again and again. And it's the same two things that are preventing people really being, I don't want to say being, doing intuitivity, eating well, but doing intuitive eating in a way which is feels good and isn't yet another diet or another set of rules.
And so I want to talk about the two ways that people stumble in intuitive eating. So in case you don't know what intuitive eating is, let me break it down for you. So the, what I like to call intuitive eating is intuitive eating is just eating. Like we'd never been fucked up by diet culture. So imagine, imagine a world where you were brought up when there was no such thing as diet culture and everyone was just balanced around food. OK. Not being like, Oh, you shouldn't eat that and all. Did you know that salary has 12 calories and you shouldn't have it before 3:00 PM or unless you'll put on like 17 pounds or whatever. You would just eat quote unquote normally you would eat what felt good. And when I say feel good, I mean what feels good to your tummy, what tastes good, what feels good in regards to how it affects your body.
And so you might be like, Ooh, I love chocolate that makes me feel good. And you might also be like, Ooh, I love vegetables cause they make me feel good or you might not, it just wouldn't be a big deal. And you would eat the things that your body needed and you would eat the things that your brain wanted and it just wouldn't be a big deal. You wouldn't be like, Oh my God, I need to work off that grain of sugar that I ate yesterday by doing 12 hours of intense cardio or whatever. You just wouldn't think like that because that's diet culture that has made you feel like that and fat phobia. But there's an official definition so intuitive eating is a term that was coined by Evelyn Tribole and Elise Rash in the 1990s and what they say on their website, which is intuitiveeating.org is intuitive eating is a self care eating framework which integrates instinct, emotion and irrational thought and was created by two dieticians, Evelyn and Elise in 1995 intuitive eating is a weight inclusive evidence based model with a validated assessment scale and over 100 studies to date. So it's been around for a while and really this type of eating wouldn't even need a name, but because of diet culture, it's this way of eating, which is quite strange if you think about because most people have some type of rules, some type of guilt, something going on, which means they can't eat in a way which is free from shame and guilt. It, I think it's, it's very rare to see an intuitive eater out in the wild who just was brought up as an intuitive eater and you would recognize them because as maybe if you're a former diet or, or you have your own stuff around food, you would see them. And they would just eat food and they just, you know, would just eat food and just be, just be quote unquote normal. And you'll be like, what is wrong with you? You're so weird, don't you? You know, don't you feel guilty for eating that or you know, they just seem relaxed around food. And so it's just, it's very strange if people haven't been affected by diet culture and have been taught things by their parents, which leads to disordered eating patterns or full blown eating disorders. So there are 10 principles within intuitive eating, so I'm gonna read them out to you. And so these are cannot, I don't want to say they're not prints, they're not rules because they're principles.
But these are the 10 things that intuitive eating comprised offs and let me just read them out to you. Number one, reject the diet mentality. Number two, honor your hunger. Number three, make peace with food. Number four, challenge the food police. Number five, respect your folders. Number six, discover the satisfaction factor. Number seven, honor your feelings without using food. Number eight, respect your body. Number nine, exercise. Feel the difference and number 10, honor your health with gentle nutrition. So I wanted to read those 10 principles out to you because this is where the mistake number one happens when people are trying to become intuitive eaters. Now, if you've ever been on a diet or you live in a culture that is fixated on dieting, which is most people in the world, then you have been taught that you are not to be trusted around food and around feeding yourself. And what diets do is they infantilize us. They say, you need to follow this diet because we will tell you what to eat, when to eat it, when to exercise for how long. We'll give you these trackers and these apps. And because you can't be trusted because if you left to your own devices, you're just gonna eat forever and just be so fat.
You need to let us do it for you because you're dumb basically is what we've learned and we have really internalized this. And so when people stop dieting and they start intuitive eating, they are really looking for that set of rules. And they look at the principles of intuitive eating and they put them as hard and fast rules, very black and white. And that's totally to be expected that you would think like that because we've been conditioned to think that we can't feed ourselves. Like I remember when I had stopped dieting, I had started to try and eat, I'd know differently, not intuitive eating, but I was trying to learn how to feed myself because I genuinely thought that I didn't know what to eat if it wasn't on a diet plan, like I was just in that you'd like, I don't know what to eat is what I thought the truth is.
My body was like, bitch, give me some beans or give me some cake or give me some whatever. Like I, my body was shouting at me saying hello, I know what we want to eat. And I'm like, Oh, shut up. Shut up. What do you want? Some like was that you want to own one lentil? What is that? So I was just very good at ignoring, listening to my body, which is normal, which is where a lot of people are. And I remember just going to this doing this weekend, this two day retreat thing, and it was all about wellness and what to eat. And they fed us and stuff. And at lunch they gave us like a tiny salad and there was a box of nuts as well. And I was saying to the person, like, so how many like, nuts should I eat as a snack?
Like should I eat like three nuts? Should I eat? Like what, like seven, like 20. And, and good for her that she didn't say, Oh, eat five nuts. She was like, I dunno what you want, kind of things. That was so lucky that because she could have easily just told me a number of what I should eat and I would have been like, well, that's the healthy amount to eat. And the reality is, eat what you want, right. What your body wants and needs and what you think you know is delicious. And I was just like, what give me an answer. Like, you know the answer. Tell me how many do you eat, you know, this is what I was saying in my head, but out, you know, I was like okay. I'm thinking there must be a number because I was craving someone to tell me what to do, how to feed myself.
I was just to let you like, I don't know how to eat like a normal person. And the whole time my body was like hello. I'm here. I'm telling you what you need. And you know, I'd have little whispers from my body being like, Oh, I really fancy this tonight. And I'm like, shut up. Yeah, you're not getting that or whatever it is. So it's really easy to put extreme kind of structure on things and this can lead to not being as successful with intuitive eating. And when I say being successful, what I mean is finding food freedom. It's not feeling out of control around food. It's not thinking about food that much apart from, Oh, I'm hungry. Oh, what do I want? Oh, let's go to this restaurant. Oh, that food's delicious or whatever. It's getting to a point where you just feel at peace and if you don't feel at peace, there's some more work to be done.
And of course it's not linear. It's not like you'll become an intuitive eater and then you'll get to a point and then you'll be like, done. I never have a single issue with food ever again, because then things always come up, right? So let's go through these principles and see how you could be making them too rigid for you and you have to trust yourself versus using outside information. And this, I like the way that they've called this principles versus rules or you must abide by this. And as we know, like with diets, if you didn't abide by X amount of calories or X amount of burpees or whatever it is, that it would have some sort of negative outcome, right? So we're very scared to not follow something to the team. So some of the principles that I'm going to mention, I want to go through how you could be making them not black and white.
So number one is reject the diet mentality. I think that's pretty, you know, basically try not to diet. Try not to think that dieting is the way to go and that's a process. And so that is something that makes sure that your making sure that you are working on it and it's going to take time. But the next one honor your hunger, now a lot of people, they might be like at work and their lunches are say 2:00 PM and it comes around to 1:00 PM and they're really hungry and they don't eat until their lunch break because their job means that they can't go often and eat. And so they're just like, Oh my God, I'm such a bad intuitive eater. I'm doing it wrong. I had to I didn't eat when I was hungry. And then when it came to 2:00 PM I was really, really ravenous. And then I ate all the food and blah, blah, blah. And I'm just a big loser and I'm not doing this wrong. This very black and white thinking, right? So life happens sometimes you are not going to be able to eat immediately at that point that you're hungry. Now you can do your best to anticipate things, right? Like so say you almost always have your lunch at 1:00 PM, but then someone, you know, one of your colleagues said, Hey, can you swap one with your lunch break cause I need to go and pick up my sick kid. And you're like, yeah, sure. And then something happened and you know, and then you're hungry. It's just life, right? Or your stay, you're hanging around with friends and someone says, well, I'm not hungry yet and we'll wait a little bit. And then that food, food takes ages to come and it's just live.
And so you're not a bad intuitive eater for not eating when you're hungry. What eating when you're hungry is doing, is helping you become in tune with your listening to your body. Because during our dieting is if you've dieted we celebrate hunger, right? Like when you're trying to lose way of feeding that hunger feeling in my belly, I'd be like, yes, I'm winning. Like literally right now my body is burning all of this disgusting fat. And so that hungry feeling would be a good thing. Or I'd be hungry at a time where I decided I shouldn't be hungry and I would just say to myself, Oh, I'm not hungry. I'm just thirsty. I'm not hungry. Or if I am hungry I'll just eat some some, some air. I'll just I just gulp some air. And, and kind of ignore that signal or some people don't really feel that signal at all or very much cause it might be years that about you that your body's like hello hungry and then you're just like, shut up.
Don't care about what you're saying to me. And eventually your body might be like, Oh fine, fuck you. You never feed me when I'm hungry so I'm just going to stop sending this signal to you. And so when you try and start feeding that hunger, you're like mine. Don't feel it when it's not there. I don't feel hungry and it could be that you just tend to not feel that hungry or it could be that the signal is so weak from years of ignoring it, that it just needs time to build up trust and for you to be like, listen, I'm going to listen to you now. And then eventually you bought it. Be like, okay, and try this out. And then once you listened to your hunger, then your body's going to start giving you those hunger signals because it knows that you are going to feed it.
So are you being very black and white around that only your hunger. Like I say, try and plan as much as you can because you know, it's not fun to be very, very hungry, right? I know that when I, this was something that I struggled with is I would get so into doing my work, I'd be like, I'm in the zone, I'm in the zone, right? And I could feel that I was hungry and I'd be like, no, no, no. I'll just 10 more minutes or whatever. I now turn into an hour and then I just stop and be like, ah, I'm so ravenous and then my blood sugar would get low and I'd just be like, I just needed to feed myself. Literally, I like felt faint sort of thing. And so I started recognizing that I'd had this, how would have this pattern of getting in the zone is loving what I was doing.
So I would make sure that before that point I would have something, some snack or whatever to take the edge off. So that when it did get to a point where I was out of the zone or finish doing whatever I was doing, I wasn't so ravenous, right. Cause I recognize that that feeling wasn't a feeding that I liked because it made me feel kind of like cold and sweaty and my car was about to faint and I couldn't get food into me fast enough. And just it wasn't a good feeling for me, right. So now I am a lot better with that and I will always do my best to eat and try and plan ahead. But always, you know, life is not perfect and things happen. So number five of the principle is respect your fullness. Now respect your fullness.
What ban is all about, again, is getting in touch with your body. When we're in diet land, what we will do is we'll do two things. We'll either not eat enough and not be full because the diet plan has said that you're allowed to eat two grains of rice and one grain of salt. And then when you be in those two grains of rice and one grain of salt, you're not full. But you're like, well, the diet plan says that. And so you're not getting that feeling of fullness or when you're dieting, it's like a pendulum. You will restrict. And the natural response is to binge. And I never knew this, and for years I was like, Oh my God, I'm a monster because I will eat a lot of food in one sitting. And the reason was because I was restricting so extremely that my body was fighting back and doing everything it could to get me to a place where I was feeding myself.
And so it was absolutely normal that, that you binge if you do binge. And the reasons are all the times behind it is because you've been restricting. So you might feel more full, you might feel uncomfortably full. And so that might might have been the pattern that you've come from. And so when it comes to respecting your fullness, well again, if you're looking at this black and white, you could be sat at the table being like, am I, what's my level of fullness? Like, you know, being very precious about it and being like, am I full enough? Am I not full enough? Did I eat one pea too many? And now I've gone over and now I went from being satisfied to being too full. You know, in the beginning it's nice to be curious about those things, but if at every meal you're really getting into the weeds of, ah, I don't know, and am I doing this right?
And and not allowing yourself to eat more than what your body needs. And here's 1000, 1000000% to eat okay to eat more than your body needs. Sometimes you might eat more because the thing is fucking delicious and you just really like the thing and you eat more. It's not big deal, right? Well sometimes you might just want that, that feeling of more being more full and that's fine. Or sometimes you might want to not be as full and that's fine. You're right. It's all good. It's all fine. It's what you want to do with your body. You're not being a good or bad intuitive eater if you're not being quote unquote perfect with honoring your respecting your fullness. And sometimes I will eat more, I will not like kind of notice what I've eaten. And then I'll have like another bite and I'll be like, Oh.
And then all of a sudden my fullness will hit and I'm like, Oh, I ate more than I wanted. And it's just, it's not a big deal. I'll just be like, Oh, you know, next time I know that maybe this amount of food is enough to make me feel satisfied. And then this amount of food I feel maybe uncomfortable in my tummy and, or maybe I want that feeling, you know, who knows. So are you being black and white with that? And if you are, try not to next number seven, honor your feelings without using food. Now, if I was smart enough to be back in 1995 and writing intuitive eating principles, I might be hesitant on putting this in as a principle because it is very, very easy to use this look at this principle and think that you're doing something wrong by using food to manage your emotions.
You in the past might have, I have a used food to cope with difficult emotions to cope with hard times or even use food as a celebration. People do it all over the world every single day, you know, like kind of birthday having a birthday cake, going out for a meal with to celebrate or whatever. We are using food to honor our feelings all the time. And it's absolutely okay. And you where if you've done this very, very smart and resourceful for doing that, especially at times where you had limited power in your life. So for example, when you were a child, so I used food to help me cope with a difficult childhood and it was great because what we'll see alternative, right? Really, what was the alternative? I broke down, I did something else. Something that was very destructive. What was the alternative at that time?
That for me, you know, the best alternative would be idea. If we lived in an ideal world, then I would have been in like therapy and all that type of stuff. But that wasn't, that wasn't my reality. Right? So you did something that was very, very smart and you helped yourself survive. And if you still do use food to honor your feelings, you're still doing that, right? You're helping yourself cope maybe with emotions and feelings that could be life threatening and your, if you are getting some type of comfort with food, I mean really does that make you the devil really? You know, one of my my clients said she had like a really terrible day and, and she got some, she'll do some popcorn and she was kind of telling me this is maybe like, maybe this was a bad thing because she used popcorn to comfort herself. And I was like, Oh my God, popcorn, you ate some popcorn. Oh my God. Call the police. She's eating a popcorn cause she had a bad day.
Oh my God. Outrageous. And in reality and that is just some fucking popcorn. Like, Oh, you know, it's all good. It's fine. Now there might become a time and maybe not, there may be a time where you identify that there are more complex things going on and you now have the resources or the ability on all the desire to own your feelings and your emotions in a variety of ways. Y1ou might not want to, right. So you might be like, okay, well I'm having a really difficult time with this thing and I have been eating food and that makes me feel better, but still I think I need to do something a bit more as well, or something different and try out and see if that helps. Even better and so you might be like, okay, well I'm going to go to therapy or I'm going to go and talk to a friend or I'm going to go watch some cheesy Netflix thing or whatever.
And you might notice that that is more helpful or not or not, it might be that the using food is the best thing for you, right? So there's nothing wrong with using food to help you survive life, but you might get to a point where you might want to explore other things as well. So for example like, so we all use every, like it's society uses food is totally tied in with our emotions with the happiness and you know, sadness and big events and things like that is the consumption of things. And so, you know, but we're demonizing it when it's in fat bodies, right? So take the black and white out of it and take out, you know, Oh, you know, I had this thing cause I was sad and I'm now I'm bad.
I'm bad cause I did that. You know, you're just a human being, right? And you're doing your best. You're doing your best to survive. Okay. So, number nine of the principles is exercise. Feel the difference. So how could that be black and white? How could you be making that black and white very easily? Especially, this is another one. I might, if I was in, you know, changing the principles, I might be like exercise if you want it, but if you don't want to do just chill, just don't worry about it. Not, not as succinct as exercise. Well, the difference, right? Because I just recognize that so often, dieters, ex dieters and people living in diet culture, AKA everyone turn it into if I'm not doing it, then I'm wrong. You might not be an exercising type person. That's fine, right?
You might have incredible trauma around exercising. Even the word, like I don't use a word exercise because for me exercise means running around the school field on a freezing November day being the last and my bum wobbling and being really ashamed and the teacher being like, why are you so slow and being picked last and I'm going to throw up from exercise and so much at the CrossFit place and you know, that type of thing. That's what exercise brings to my mind. So I don't even use that word. I just use the word movement or I might just say, you know, dancing or just having fun or whatever. I'm going for a walk. And so your, you could have connotations with that, which means that you're not able to at the moment engage in physical activity because it's just a whole load of negativity and shit in your brain, which is understandable.
You know, so many fat people have that story of absolute abuse at the hands of PE teachers and gym teachers at their schools, cruelty, ughhh, from the kids and the teachers and no understanding for the dynamics of what is at play. When you're a young person and you live in a bigger body or you know, anyone who's just not as as athletic, right. And it's a very big kind of like if you are athletic, then you are one of the cool kids sort of thing. So if you want to move your body, great. If you don't, there is no more reality in moving your body or not moving your body, right. Reagan Chastain says it's more equivalent to do a marathon or a net Netflix marathon. Both are morally equivalent. And that's absolutely true. Obviously our society doesn't say that. But if you want to say, if you, you're just like fuck exercise because you know I've had bad experiences with it.
Or you could have the belief like, I believe the exercise, the only reason to exercise was to punish your bad fat body. And therefore it was not to be enjoyable. And so when I was in my dieting days, I would do things like go to the gym, boring, go running, not my favorite, go to these like fitness classes where it's all filled with like Guinea people and doing things like BA peas and stuff, right. I would do things like that because I thought exercise wasn't fun. You did it as a punishment, as a penance for living in this body. And then one day I went to, I don't know what it was and maybe a dance class and I was like, what the fuck? This was fun.
And the instructor didn't once mention like, come on guys, burn those calories. Like let's trim up bombs or anything like that. It was just, yes, I feel like Beyonce right now. And then I had this realization, Oh my God, you can move your body for fun. And I realized that I moved my body all the time like riding my bike, but I didn't count that as exercise because it was kind of like, it was away to travel, right? Or walking. I was as well, that's just a way to get from A to B, right? It's not exercise, but it is, you know, in the word, you know, the definition of exercise because I didn't have any negative feelings attached towards it. So could you try something which you don't have anything negative to attached to or don't know?
Like if you don't want to, don't. My personality type is, I I have a personality type. This is the Myers Briggs by the way. Is free to do a test online to see what type of personality you have. It's like something that everyone uses is like the really common like personality indicator thing. Everyone date your profiles are like, my mind's Briggs is this, this, this, and and my Myers Briggs is the performer slash athlete. So it's a part of my personality type to enjoy moving my body. It's just something that I like, I like doing adventurous things. Like if someone said, what do you want to do on your birthday? I'll be like, Oh, let's go kayaking or let's go white water rafting. Or like I like that's my preference is to do something like movement, something fun like that.
That's just my personality type. Some people never exercise. Some people are not able to move their body. So this, this number nine is able to just, right, because some people can't. Does that mean you're not a good intuitive eater? Nope. No, it's not. It does not mean that you're not good intuitive eater if you never exercise a day in your life or if you are a professional athlete and you exercise all the time, that doesn't mean that your like Goldstar intuitive eater, not just you're just a person, right? And then number 10 of the principles is honor your health with gentle nutrition. Now thinking about this, when you start intuitive eating can really throw you off because to begin with, you almost have to throw out all the rules and just feed yourself everything that you have denied yourself and so you to do that.
You almost can't think about nutrition in that moment. Now that stage doesn't last forever, but it's crucial that you do do that refeeding stage because you are really healing and beginning that relationship with your body again. Now the nutrition thing comes in. Now there's different stages of intuitive eating. There's the beginning where you're like a wild you're, it's like you're a teenager and you're like, fuck the rules. And it's so important to be that teenager of like, fuck the rules. Like because you've been living under diet rules for years and so you have to go mad and go explore the world and AKA eat the food that you have been denying yourself for years and years. And it's a really important stage of intuitive eating. And there's you'll do that for however long a piece of string is and eventually you'll be like, well, that was cool, but I'm a different stage of my life now.
You know, the life of intuitive of an intuitive eater. And you'll start to be like, well, how does this food make me feel? And what does this, you know, do in my body? Does it make my tummy feel good? Does it make me feel alive and vibrant after? Or do I notice that if I eat that thing, it makes me feel a bit yucky? Or what ways can I get more different variety of foods in my life? Like you naturally get to this point. So if you're not feeling like you're naturally curious about gentle nutrition that you're, you're not there yet, right? You have to just be get there naturally. And this can be really frustrating for people because people want to get started in intuitive eating, eat the food and get it over with so that they can just not eat all the food because they don't want to because the scared of the consequences.
But the more that you have fear about the consequences of eating food, the more that you'll stay at that stage. And there's no way to know how long you need to have that healing time. And it's really important. It's kind of like I, like I say, it's your medicine, right? Like you have to take your medicine and sometimes you don't want to. But you have to, you have to take that medicine so that you can begin to feel better. And a lot of people just do, you know, want to know and avoid it and should make it short and put on diet rules onto what they're eating in this stage. Because a lot of people are very clued in on, on the nutritional value of the things that are they're eating. And so they're like, Oh my God, this is X amount of calories and this is this.
And if I have this and Oh my God, I'm just going to put on so much weight and woo, and they lose their mind, right? So the gentle nutrition comes at a later stage. And if you are not able to think about that without being triggered, without having a big emotional response of kind of like, fuck you, no, I don't want to do that, then you're not ready, right. And there's nothing wrong with not being ready. It's just that is just where you are. And however long that refeeding stage tags, it's how long you have been dieting and also how much you let yourself be in that stage. So you could have been dieting for like, you know, you could be really young and I've only gone on one diet and then trying intuitive eating and the refeeding stage could take forever because you're like not really allowing yourself to eat what your brain and your body is telling you that it needs and wants.
Or you could be a lifelong diet or, and go through that stage relatively quickly because you're just like, I'm just trusting the process and just allow myself to eat exactly what I want and need without guilt and shame and making up for it by doing exercise and all that type of stuff. And you know, unless she wants to exercise and go ahead. So that's the first mistake is treating intuitive eating as a diet with expectations and set outcomes that black and white thinking. Being very strict with yourself, trying to be perfect, thinking that refeeding stage is too long. No one else has been doing this, you know, refeeding as long as me because I'm so greedy and I'm out of control. And you know, other people, they just do this for three minutes and then they're on to being, doing gentle nutrition but not me.
I'm just so greedy, you know. No, everyone thinks that, right. and as well on top of this is thinking that intuitive eating is going to make you thin. Oh. Hoping that having that hope in the back of your mind of being like, I had some people get thin from intuitive eating. If you ever see someone, you know, schlepping intuitive eating as a diet to get thin. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's wrong. They should be taken by the intuitive eating police and put into food prison or something. Because it's not a diet, right. And intuitive eating is getting you at a place of peace with food and we do not know what's going to happen to your weight. Your weight might stay the same. You might lose weight, you might gain weight, you might gain weight, then lose weight.
You know, we just don't know because when you're listening to your body there's a weight, there's a set weight that our bodies like to be out throughout our lives, which is a kind of 15 to 20 pound range that most people in their lives stay around that range because our bodies are happy at that weight. So with intuitive eating you get more aligned with your set point weight and we don't know what that is. You might know, you might, you might be like, well, all my life I've been around around this, give or take 10 or 20 pounds. So don't have any expectations of what you're going to way after or during or you know, you'll be doing intuitive eating for the rest of your life. So I don't have any expectations on that. If you do, if you're worried about getting fat or hoping that you're going to get thin, it's going to influence your intuitive eating and what you're eating and what you're not eating right, which is going to make it more difficult for you.
So that leaves it onto point two which is the number two reason why people struggle with intuitive eating is that whole idea about being scared to be fat. Internalized fat phobia. So this is math. This is really, really, really big and you cannot learn intuitive eating without also and learning fat phobia as much as possible. That's why I think, I think intuitive eating should be taught as much as possible by fat people and or have a massive portion of breaking down fat phobia alongside it. Because the whole reason we're kind of in this place where we don't trust our bodies, where we can't eat quote unquote normally we're not at food piece is because we are so goddamn terrified of being fat or fatter. So the big thing about intuitive eating is letting go. And so many people really struggle with this really, really, because the fear of eating X amount of things and that X amount of things turning into X amount of weight gain is terrifying.
You were literally running into the fire that you've been avoiding your whole life, right? You've been avoiding trying to get fat or fatter. You've been doing the opposite. And right now, intuitive eating is saying, eat what you want. And you know, in your head you think you know, that eat what you want in the past, when you have eaten what you want, is meant that you've got fatter, right? So you're taking that past experience and you're like, well, I know, I know myself. I will never stop eating. If I can give myself permission to eat whatever I want, I will eat until I die, until my stomach explodes. Side note, when I was a kid, I someone told me that there was a story about a woman on Christmas day that ate so much, her stomach exploded and she died. Is that a true story?
A very unlikely cause you, you just vomit it wouldn't you if he ate too much. Anyway, so I thought I would, that was my fate. I truly believed my fate was death from stomach explosion. And on Christmas day, like whenever I'd ID, you know, you'd eat like a lot. I'm thinking, okay, this is the day I die. This is it. This is how I die. I kind of thought, well definitely I'm the type of person to die from stomach explosion, from eating too much. Yeah, that's not gonna happen. That is not going to happen. The reality is a lot different. So I wrote Huffington post asked me to write an article on intuitive eating a couple of months ago. And I have an analogy which kind of helps it makes sense for people. So this is my analogy. So imagine your thing that you can't be trusted around if thing that you really fixate on or you love and it's the best thing, say it's chocolate, right?
Imagine one morning you woke up and you went downstairs, you went to your kitchen. To make breakfast and you opened your cupboard and the cupboards were filled with chocolate, chocolate bars, chocolate cakes, or different variety of chocolate, your favorite and new chocolate you've never tried. You open the fridge and it's filled with chocolate mousses and chocolate eclairs and fancy fondants. And you look at your kitchen table and you have a chocolate fondue. You have a chocolate fountain with all of the chocolate just dripping everywhere. You turn on the tap and outcomes, chocolate milk, there's chocolate everywhere. And as soon as you take a chocolate, it is magically replenished. And to begin with, you're like fuck yes. And you put your head under the tap and you drink the chocolate milk and you're just handfuls of chocolate and you're bathing in the chocolate fondue and you're just, Oh my God, just eating all the chocolate is amazing.
And you just love it. And this is your diet. Now you are only allowed to eat chocolate. And how long do you think that you could be doing that before that gets old before you're like a fucking chocolate. How long? And imagine if you, you know, society told you you need to be eating that chocolate and everyone around was like, Oh well you're not on your chocolate diet and at work, you know, you go out, you go out to a buffet with all your colleagues and you notice over there is, Oh, there's a salad bar over there. What you wouldn't do for, you know, some crisp fresh lettuce. And so you sneak it, you go to that salad bar and you have some lettuce, cold cucumbers and some all those little tomatoes and it burst in your mouth and say, Oh, so delicious. But you feel guilty because you've slipped from your chocolate diet, but you can't stop thinking about that salad and all the other food that you have been denying yourself and soon chocolate.
It just, you don't want it. You just fed up with it because that's all you're allowed to eat. You're being forced to eat chocolate and you would really love for your taps to just turn back to water and for your cupboards to be filled with a variety of things and to get back to a place where you like chocolate. But you know it's not that big of a deal because you know that you have abundance. So this is, this is kind of what we're doing in society with dieting, but swap chocolate for some, you know, healthy food groups or whatever that we should quote unquote should be eating. And the salad is the bad thing, right? And so you can see how ridiculous it is, right? And you can see how once you allow yourself anything that you want it, the power soon goes very soon goes.
And we don't want to get to a point where you're like, I hate that thing now because no, we want you to still have joy with food. There will be a stage where you don't feel joy with food because all the emotion is taken out of it. And it's very sad intuitive eating. But generally speaking, we don't want you to get to a place where you like being forced fed chocolate and you're like, never again. The idea is just to show you to illustrate the in reality, you're not going to eat the thing that you're scared to eat 24 hours a day for the next, you know, 365 days for the next 10 years for the next, because you'll get bored of it. It's like this illicit thing is elicit right now in your head is elicit because you've not allowed yourself it because society has told you that you shouldn't have too many of those things.
And if you do, you're greedy. If you do, your heart will immediately stop because lard will be running through your veins. You know, and we give it this such power. And, and it starts from a really young age, right? I've, I've spoken about this before, how from a young age we're saying to children, eat your greens. Make sure you eat your vegetables. And we're telling kids, vegetables are disgusting. Eat them. They're horrible. We have to really bribe you to eat them. If you eat them, you'll get dessert. And we teach in care's dessert is this thing that we've put on a pedestal. It's so delicious. You'll be lucky if he get it because it's so delicious. But what if, you know, we just treated the thing that we, this elicit food that we've put into our brain that's so bad, you can't control yourself around it.
It's just a normal food, right? It, it might seem manned to think like, I could never be like that around this food group, but if you filled your cupboards with all of the food group that, whatever it is, and it might be a lot of different things, you literally knew that you had a never ending supply of it. No matter how much away it would just be replenished and it won't be replenished from magic. It will be replenished by you going to the store and buying more. It was soon lose its, you know you know, that sex appeal will go because you'll just be like, ah, whatever. It's just another food. Yeah, I enjoy it. But you know, whatever, you know, it's just not a big deal. So if you're afraid about that refeeding stage because you're going to get fat, if you don't have that fear of fat and have that fare that you are out of control, you were this gluttonous peg that's just going to eat forever and you're going to be that story in the newspaper of woman dies from stomach explosion, from eating 57,000 donuts.
Once you let that that story go, because this is the story, right? It's not based in reality. You I'll get, I'll get someone being like, here's the article about the woman who kind of died on Christmas day, ruin their stomach explosion. No, he's not reality, right? Is it? That's not actually what's going to happen, but we're so scared of the consequences. We've been told that that will happen to us if we eat this, these certain foods that we're scared to eat or we're told that are unhealthy. But say if you, if you were like, I can't let the idea go that this food is unhealthy. So imagine, what about if you think about it this way, okay. You can't let go of the idea that food is unhealthy and it means that automatically you're going to be unhealthy because you're eating it. Are we eating lots of it?
So theoretically you are. Instead of focusing on your physical health, what you're doing is temporarily focusing on your mental health, which is not true. Intuitive eating helps you focus on both but say you can't let that go. Is it possible for you to focus on your mental health more than your physical health temporarily? Is it, is that okay for you to do? If you're in a better place with your mental health and your, your feelings around food, then would you be in a better place to then focus on your physical health? If that's what's important for you? And it doesn't have to be. It's absolutely okay if you don't want to be healthy. If that's not not something that is, you know, setting your world on fire, you're morally equivalent, right? But so can you do that? Can you focus on something else about your health temporarily. Because this stage is temporary, right? And what if you do put on way, what if you do put on a lot of weight? How does that make you feel? Is that like a hell fucking no, I, Oh no, I can't do that. Would it means that you need to work on your fat phobia and we all have fat phobic beliefs, even me spoken about this before, we all have our phobic beliefs because we live in fat phobic societies and we can't help but absorb them. And so you always need to be working on your fat phobia and all the other, you know, bullshit things that we believe, you know, believe in, Oh our racism and or all the other ways that we're beggars. But if you've got a big case of fat phobia, that will be the second reason why you're really struggling with intuitive eating.
So I want to make this as easy as possible for you. So I have made a workbook to go along with this episode and it's called the Intuitive Eating Breakthrough. Boom workbook. And this workbook is going to help you understand the ways in which your intuitive eating is being sabotaged by your thoughts and your beliefs. So to get it go to Oh, what's the web address? It's always right here. There we go, fiercefatty.com/014. That's for episode 14. So www.fiercefatty.com/014, Episode 14. Also I'll drop the link, if you're listening to this in iTunes or what's the other one? Spotify. I'll drop a link. I'll drop the link for it in the show notes. Okay. So that we can you can go deeper on it.
So this Intuitive Eating Breakthrough work book that I've made for you. So what do you think, has that brought you some clarity? Now, by the way, a lot of times people think, Oh, I'm not doing that. I'm not being black and white. And I'm not, I'm not. Because they don't realize, they don't realize it until someone who has been doing it or has more clarity, can be like, yeah, that's kinda, that's kind of fat phobic. Oh yeah. That's kind of, that's kinda diety. You just don't realize it, right? Because you're in it, you're in it, you just, you know, and so you might be like, eh, that's not me. But if you're struggling, is it, is it, is it yeah.
So a little fact about me and today's fact is the last book I read, the last book I read, I finished it last night, very proud of myself and that was Happy Fat by Sophie Hagan and Sophie is a comedian. And of course the book was funny, but also very serious and important and very well written and entertaining. I got through it in maybe five days and I'm not really, I'm not a book reader really. I normally listen to books. I'm not a massive reader, but I, I do you know what I bought it when I went into the, Who Are You Calling Fat house fulfillment? Cause I knew that we wouldn't be allowed our phones. But they didn't get a chance to read it then because it was so fucking busy. And then I've had it on the side being like read me, read me since. Anyway, so I definitely would recommend reading Sophie's book. I'll link it on the show notes as well, and I've just bought another book Losing It by Kai Hibbard. Now Kai was in the third season of the biggest loser and I was reminded that it was on my list of books to buy and I've just been really inspired.
I want to read it immediately. I'm going to read it after I've finished recording because today, Jillian Michaels, the the trainer that used to be on the biggest loser Shane Lizzo fucking not bad. Oh, if I was that presenter, this shit. So what is it she said? She said Jillian Michaels said the present. It was like, Oh we Lizzo and all these people who are representing different body types. And Jillian Michaels was like, why do I need to think about her body? Why are we even thinking about her body? Cause it's not going to be awesome when she gets diabetes fucking idiot. Oh my God. Jillian Michaels is a massive knob. She's had like loads of lawsuits against her because she's been schlepping these diet pills that, you know, kill people and stuff. And she's all like, Oh, I'm worried about your health boo fucking shit.
So Kai Hibbard who was she's under some really strict contract from the biggest loser, they basically take away all your rights about talking about it. And so this book is quote unquote fictional, the fictional story of her Kai's time in the biggest loser experience. But by, I think it's basically so 100% true and how they abused them and told them not to eat anything and made them exercise for eight hours a day and made them exercise on, on you know, broken ankles and shit like that and, and said that coffee is a meal and gave them pills to you know, the basic of the diet pills to make them make the hearts race ready fast. And, and yeah. So Jillian Michael's greedy has about fat people's house so much so that she physically and abuses them.
She loves fat people not yeah, so Kai shared about her book that she wrote and it came out last year. And so it's been on my things to buy less since then, but I really want to read it now because I want to read all the shit or nurturing Jillian Michaels and all of the awful stuff that she did. I want to know more about it, but there's a really, really good, is it New York times article? I think there's New York times article on the, the repercussions that the biggest loser contestants have suffered after being in doing that and how the metabolisms are so fucked up and how, I think one guy was like, Oh, we can only eat 600 calories a day. And if he ate more than that, then he'd put on weight and yeah, it's just heartbreaking. And I used to love that show. Oh my God, that you show. Oh, I would binge watch so many seasons of that show. Ugh. I just think about the amount of fat. Hate that really, that really contributed. And I really believed, you know, when the trainers are, be like, you're so nosy and come on, keep doing. I'd be like, Oh, look at those disgusting fat people. They're just so lazy. Like, why don't they just keep working out? If they weren't so fat, they could work out more. And why? If they only lost 20 pounds this week, you know last week they lost 30 pounds and you know, it just really contributed towards my fat hate. So, Hey, if you're still watching that show and you're trying to love your fat body, here's a little Clover. You don't watch it. It's gonna make you hate your fat body even more.
And it's funny, isn't it? How funny how they do the before pictures and they always make sure that the before pictures look as as unappealing as possible. Like they put them in shit, cloves and you know, make sure that they don't look very happy. And then the after pictures, they're in a glamorous dress with high heels and full makeup and all that type of stuff and, and obviously thinner. And and that's just even the beginning of the bullshit. That's, that's the biggest loser. So, yeah, I'm going to read that book. Losing it by Kai Hibbard. I'll link that and Sophie's book and actually I'm going to link that New York times and let me just write it down. Link New York times article. I want to find it for you and put it in the show notes that you can have a little read that was really interesting and sad as well.
So, Hey, if you want a book to read for free, why not leave a review for this podcast which will really help me because it's going to spread the word. The podcast streaming services really like to promote podcasts that have lots of reviews. Leave a review for the show and say how amazing and good looking I am. Something like that. And before you submit your review, take a screenshot and email me victoria@fiercefatty.com with your review and I'm going to send you a digital and audio version of my book Fierce Fatty so you can get your read on with that, listen to it or read it. And share on social media that you're listening to Fierce Fatty. And I will put you in a drawer to win a Fierce Fatty cup to drink beverages out of. Oh, you can do anything with it. Use it as a hat. Try and put your foot in it and use it as a shoe. Whatever you do, I'm not the boss of you. You do what you want with your cup when you win it.
So thanks for hanging out with me today. It's been fun. Yeah, I'll see you at the I'll see ya. I'll see ya the next episode. Okay. So see you later, crocodile. Okay.
EP13 Transcript
Hello and welcome to episode 13 of the Fierce Fatty podcast. I am your host, Victoria Welsby. And today we're talking about fat fertility with Nicola Salmon. Let's do it.
You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm Victoria Welsby, TEDx speaker, best-selling author, and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self-esteem to being a courageous and confident Fierce Fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living in a fat body is bad, but what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century. So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty Podcast. Let's begin.
Victoria:
Okay, so welcome to this episode where I have, Oh my gosh, a guest, my first ever guest. And I'm super excited about it. I was just talking to Nicola just before we started recording about how I wasn't planning on having guests on the podcast to begin with, cause I was like, Oh my God, it's all about me. Oh my God. Just my boys. But there's certain topics within fat positivity that I really geek out about and I'm not an expert on. So there are people who are experts on certain things and Nicola is an expert on fat fertility. So I was like, Nicola is amazing. I love her. She is a fellow smelly Brit like me. So why not get her on the podcast? So if you don't know who Nicola is where have you been? She is a fat positive feminist fertility coach and author of Fat and Fertile and she advocates for change in how fat people are treated whilst accessing help with the fertility. And Nicola supports fat people who want to get pregnant using her fat positive fertility framework to find their own version of health without diets, advocate for their bodies, relearn how to trust their body and believe in their ability to get pregnant in their current body. Oh my God. Nicola, you sound amazing. Come talk to me. Welcome to the show.
Nicola:
Thank you so, so, so much for having me. I feel so honored to be your very first guest. I'm just doing a little happy dance over there.
Victoria:
Yay. I'm doing a happy dance too. Happy fatty dance. I wonder what a fatty dance would be if there would be some sort of fatty movement. What would be the fatty? It'd be belly jiggling.
Nicola:
Should be lots of roles. And there are lots of kind of like undulating of like boobs and bellies and.
Victoria:
Yes. Do you know what it'd be like? You know the snake, like the snake, but a standing snake, but you're like scrunching all your or your fat everywhere. That is what it is. Decided by downs me for everyone. So Nicola, we connected on we connected in a group, actually a totally separate group in a business group. And you were like, yeah. And you were like, Oh my God. I was like, Oh my God. And then we've been connected ever since. So probably a couple of years, maybe a year. Yeah.
Nicola:
So happy to have found you and that somebody else talking about this stuff, it was so new to me.
Victoria:
Oh really? No. Really. Wow. When you're so you just, you have such an important message because it's rarely talked about in the fat positive community is fat fertility and the bullshit that fat humans have to go through if they do need help while you know, trying to get pregnant. So let's talk about that. Let's talk about all the bullshit and everything that goes on and all the things that people believe. Like fat people can't get pregnant, get pregnant cause they're so unhealthy and they're going to die any second and all that sort of jazz. So yeah, actually actually actually tell us first about what your doing for your clients and then we'll get into the details.
Nicola:
So it started out my whole business, kind of started out because I saw that I was a fertility coach to begin with kind of just doing general fertility stuff. But then I saw that there was this whole area of fat people who weren't being supported and as a fellow Foxy I was like, you know, this isn't okay. These people are being laughed at being told that it's their responsibility to lose this weight. And it was really just, it just opened my eyes and completely blew my mind as to how they were being treated. It's, you know, the stuff I hear is absolutely appalling about how the doctors tell them it's unethical for them to get pregnant, for them to support it. That they can't believe that they would even consider getting pregnant in their current bodies. Like the stuff that they are telling them is stuff you wouldn't tell you know, your worst enemy. It's, it's awful.
Victoria:
That is just, I didn't want to interrupt you by being like, what the fuck? Oh my God, that was what, like unethical to get preg. Why would say that? What's that all about?
Nicola:
It's the, I mean they believe, you know, and I think doctors go into their role as doctors because they want to help people, right? And the majority, and I think that they believe that, you know, the fat shaming, the weight stigma, this is a way of encouraging people to lose weight. And it's absolutely ridiculous. Absolutely untrue. Just makes you feel like shit, makes you feel like you hate your body even more. And it just sends people down a spiral of, you know, like horrible body thoughts and you know, horrible disordered eating behaviors and all that stuff. But I think that helping at the end of the day. And you know, for me it's such a big part of my work now to change that attitude and to advocate and put activism into my work so that we can change the system supporting this because it's fine and dandy me supporting these people. I'm going into their doctors and you know, trusting their bodies and all this stuff. Until we change the systems, it's not going to get any better for the next generations of people. And we need to change that so that these people have an equal and fat, you know, there's no chance that the system, they need to be able to get the same support and that they need for their healthcare as everybody else, regardless of their body size.
Victoria:
Mm. And so the people that come to you for your expertise, they have tried to get pregnant but they have not yet been successful or they are pregnant or a mix of the two or, yeah. Tell us what type of clients.
Nicola:
It's a mix of the two. So often I will help people get to get pregnant and then help them supporting them through pregnancy because it doesn't stop once you get pregnant. It's like the shame and the judgements and the, you know, awful behavior from the healthcare professionals does not stop once you're pregnant as kind of. In the UK for example, we have the British midwife association has a link with sending worlds so they will recommend people go to slimming world when they're pregnant if body. Yeah. What? Various like money exchange towns in that situation. So it's, you know, it is in every system and the things people that you believe would be, you know like above all that stuff. It's in deep, it's entrenched in all our systems.
Victoria:
I literally gobsmacked birds during pregnancy. People are being told to lose weight. Like what?
Nicola:
Is it like growing a human being, right?
Victoria:
Yes. And you could, because you know, a diet is literally starving your body and the amount of negative health that comes from dieting that seems like on a whole another level of fucked up. Like telling someone to lose generally is like fucked up. But while pregnant, like you've got to worry about growing a human and worried about what people think of you. And now you have to also worry about starving yourself like.
Nicola:
Oh yeah. And it means people direct their appointments. It means people that don't want to go and see them midwife because they're worried what the scale is gonna say. It means that they are not getting the same access to birth choices when you know when they are given birth because they're saying, Oh well you're too high risk this and you're definitely going to get gestational diabetes. And you know the reason we know that the risks are higher for people in bigger bodies to have some of these pregnancy related conditions. But I believe so much of that is due to the weight stigma. You know, there is so much evidence out there that supports the fact that weight stigma contributes to these negative risks and health and we can pretty much contribute all those increase in risks to the facts that these people in bigger bodies are being shamed or being judged or being made to feel crap about themselves when they're pregnant and when they're trying to get pregnant. So it's, you know, and it's not going to help by these people, keep creating these situations where people are treated poorly.
Victoria:
Mm. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. I'm just, I'm raging over here. It's like, ah it, yeah, absolutely. And so tell us about before you get pregnant. Some of the ideas and maybe not even just fat bodies, the ideas that we've been told, when you reach a certain age, then your chances of getting pregnant are like 0%. Like as soon as you hit age, I don't know, 30 or 20 or whatever it bullshit age they say. How that is potentially misinformation and also maybe the access that fat people are denied when it comes to help with their fertility.
Nicola:
So yeah, the age thing is a tricky one because we're told that like there's this myth that it like drops off a cliff as soon as you reach a certain age. And that's just not the case because we're all different, right? We're all in different bodies. We all have different experiences of life if we'll treat it our bodies in different ways. So our fertility kind of reflects our health. It's not a separate component that is just sitting over here doing it. Same thing, you know, it's part and parcel of how our body's showing us how well it is. So it makes sense that some people can get pregnant in their forties. Some people, you know, they need some more help earlier on. So it's just really not making people feel crap that they've left it longer or not. Maybe people feel crap that they you know, that they aren't able to conceive naturally. And it's about just really supporting people where they're at in a nonjudgmental way, in a helpful, as helpful as we can weigh in the systems that we're working in and just being, you know, like helping them in every way, both physically and mentally. Because this is a huge mental process, you know, trying to get pregnant, getting pregnant, this takes up people's whole entire lives. You know, their whole life will revolve around this act of trying to conceive and when it's not working, when it's not happening as quickly as you think it should. Because again, there's so much misinformation around that. So many people think as soon as you stop taking contraception, that's it. You're going to get pregnant because that's what we're told in school, right. Don't touch boys, you're going to get pregnant.
Victoria:
Yeah. I remember one time I walked off a boy in a club and I was like, Oh my God, I'm definitely pregnant. All I did was one came off like I didn't, there was no jeez up in my coochie nothing. And I was like definitely pregnant. Oh my God. Anyway.
Nicola:
I think if we were talking earlier on about, you know, why actual cycles are and what actually happens on how it impacts our bodies, it would, you know, make a huge difference to how people show up in the world who are kind of, you know, female assigned at birth. So it's, yeah, it's challenging. And for people who are in bigger bodies, well they have to contend with like strict BMI cutoffs for the UK in the NHS. So you have to be under a BMI of 30 to access any NHS funding for treatment
Victoria:
30. That's, that's, that's small, right? Yeah.
Nicola:
I know. Most clinics, you know, private clinics where you actually go and pay to have treatment in the UK, that BMI is normally around 35 and it's similar in the US you know, depending on your insurance and depending on what state you're in, what connects around such a huge variety and there really is no consistency. There's no reason for those BMI cooktops. It's arbitrary. I mean, BMI is bullshit. Anyway, so it's just so infuriating because I'm told these people, I'm like, you know, there's so much that, you know, the fertility doctors can do to help people. They refuse to. So some of my work, I've been helping people advocate against them. We've had some success, which has been incredible, but to put that kind of energy into even getting to the first stage of this can be traumatic treatments. You know, IVF and stuff are nothing you take on lightly is, you know, it's not fair for them and it's not something that they should have to do.
Victoria:
Mm. It's a different level of cruelty to deny someone the chance of having a child because their body is not thin and I'm thinking about, you know, obviously you mentioned before BMI is bullshit, but I happen to know my BMI just cause the doctor annoyingly told me recently is the 37 and I am a small, medium fat, medium fat basically. And so that means that someone would have to be theoretically straight size, a thin person to access help. And as we know, most people are not straight size. It's more common to be fat than it is to be thin. And so it just seems really, really fucked up. Yeah, it really is. Yeah. So, so people who go to, you know, like you even a private clinic or the NHS or whatever and they have a higher BMI. Is it literally just no, go away, you're too fat or is it kind of like, yeah, literally go away. You're too fat.
Nicola:
Sometimes that ain't get in the door. The GP won't give them a thorough specialist because they're like, no, they'll just deny you go and lose weight and come back. So people are left with a choice. They either go and try and lose weight, you know, and normally that is like, I want to lose weight as fast as I can because I'm worried about this age thing. That's right. The ticking time bomb in the corner. Yeah. So then they'll go on the low calorie diets or the very low calorie diets or you know, whatever it is. And that is then going to have a really negative impact on their fertility because that's starving their bodies and it just makes no sense.
Victoria:
Yes. I was just thinking that like get, you know, engage in eating disorder type behaviors and make your body really sick because it's starving and then you are quote unquote well enough to try this treatment when they were well before theoretically.
Nicola:
So people have to choose between starting their family or having an eating disorder, right. And it's the most infuriating thing is, you know, when they know that it's a male factor thing. So for a headscarf, heterosexual couple, you know that it's the male factor. That's the problem. So they need the IVF, everything's perfectly fine. A test to great for the female, but she's in a bigger body, still denied. No, yeah cause messed up.
Victoria:
Is that because they say just IVF is less successful in fat bodies.
Nicola:
Yeah, they stay that. But I've, there's no evidence, it's so much research now to support the fact that IVF works equally well across the BMI and it's really just the fat phobic attitudes of the healthcare professionals and that maybe they're not set up to be support people in bigger bodies. They're not trained enough to deal with bigger bodies.
Victoria:
Like, you can't see me right now, but my eyes are wide, my mouth is agape and I'm just, it's like I knew about this, but I thought there'd be some kind of like well clearly you're healthy so you're an exception or something like that. It's just a straight, no. So what do these people do? Who were then denied and they can't lose weight or they don't want to or you know, or whatever.
Nicola:
They're just that they're not given any support. They're not given any advice. It's either lose weight or don't come back. And so they just have to try and conceive naturally. Yeah. But if you, if you know that something's wrong, if you know that maybe you've got block tubes, are those your partners issue, then you really are stuck. You know, you have to save copious amounts of money to try and find a private clinic, which there are some that will support you regardless of your BMI. They are few and far between, but there are some well yeah, or try and use the way in which we know as a few tile anyway for 95% of the population. So it's, yeah, it's one of those messed up games of like money versus how if it's just ughhh.
Victoria:
Yeah, I know. I wonder. Cause the UK is pretty fat phobic, like living in North America for 10 years. And then coming back, I've been here in Ireland for a year. Seeing this fat phobic and obviously North America, but it's different type of angry fatphobia here. And so I wonder what it is for the rest of the world. Do you think this is pretty standard or this is exceptionally fucked up for the UK?
Nicola:
It is pretty standard for more I can gather, you know, I have clients in the US I have clients in Australia. So mostly kind of Western countries and the attitudes are very similar, but I feel like almost the range is different. So maybe in the UK the ranges are smaller, so like the outrage will start at BMI 30 maybe in the US that would be a bit higher, maybe 35 or 40 would be a more normal cutoff for fertility clinics. So I feel like the very, the range may be different, in which case, you know, like which size is quote unquote acceptable and which isn't. But there's the shame and the guilt and the way that they make these people fail is definitely universal.
Victoria:
Yeah, absolutely. And so if by some miracle I'm a fat person does become pregnant who has been struggling, I'd know they get go to a private clinic or something happens and they become pregnant. You were mentioning that the, they're told to lose weight and something you told me before, which was, I can't remember what it was, but fat people are told, Oh, you've got a you're doubling your risk for some type of thing. It might be gestational diabetes, but it's actually just going from like no 0.5% to 1% chance of getting. I, am remembering that right? Do you remember this?
Nicola:
Yeah, I can see if I can vote. The statistics like to give you the accurate ones, but yeah, there's like, they tell you like that you've got 74% chance more, you know, more chance of getting this issue and you've got, you know, like 200% more chance of getting this. But you're right, the stats are so small that it's let me see if I can just grab it up. So, you know, like we said before, the risks are there and I think it's really important to be informed of those risks and be aware that they exist. But you know, they're still really small. So things like gestational diabetes, if you're in a quote unquote normal BMI, it's like 2.3% of people who get just as in diabetes and then like between 30 and 35 it's 5.5. So it doubles, but it's still a small risk. And that still means that like 94% of the people don't get diabetes, but you don't, you know, they almost take it as like, it's a given. Oh, you're in a bigger body, you're gonna get this, you're gonna get that.
Victoria:
And as well, what really grinds my gears with any type of, Oh, you're going to get this thing is if you do get gestational diabetes, does that mean that you're going to spontaneously combust? Like does every single person you get gestational diabetes just die on the spot? Is it like, is it a manageable condition, Nicola?
Nicola:
Totally. Completely. 100%. And people in smaller bodies get it too. It's not something that's just for people in bigger bodies. You know, every size body gets this condition. So therefore, you know, it's nothing to do with the size of your body. It's actually to do something else that's going on, right?
Victoria:
Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, we are all so terrified of getting these conditions, but the reality is that, you know, most of the times these are conditions or something that are manageable, but what we're so afraid of is maybe the shame and stigma and the fear of harming the baby and all that type of stuff.
Nicola:
And so often with pregnancy, this fear of hurting the baby comes above the mother's own wellbeing. So we're so concerned, you know, everybody says at least the baby's healthy, at least the baby's healthy. But it's so important for the mother to be healthy as well. You know, we have to take both those lives. And you know, and be really, really clear that, you know, the mother's health is imperative, both our physical and mental health. And that should not be just, you know, brushed under the carpet. That shouldn't be the second thing that you think about her, you know, health or wellbeing is paramount.
Victoria:
Because if there's no parent that is giving birth and there's no baby, right? Yeah, exactly. So, Oh man, I need to take a deep breath. Well, it's like rage and juicing information. And so the parents survives the whatever it is the period of growing the baby. What's that called, pregnancy? So the parents survives the pregnancy. And now they are going to go and deliver the baby. What differences does someone with a fat body see when they are delivering?
Nicola:
So normally they will be classed as high risk throughout their pregnancy, which then means that they're kind of in the UK at least. So I went through this personally. I was high risk just due to my BMI, there's absolutely nothing else going on. So that meant I was under consultant care, which is like a higher level of care. And that severely restricts the birth options that you are given or advised. So when I was pregnant with my first I did quite a lot of research about this cause I wanted to have a home birth, I wanted to have a birth. That was my preference and I was told no, I was told you are not allowed to have those things. You are higher rescue or too big. The midwife could, you know what happens if you fall over or they've been to wife can't get you out or you're too heavy to for her to carry them, you know, there's shamy shaming language. And I did a lot of research around it and I found that actually they can't tell me what to do. I can choose where I give birth. It's my body, it's my choice. So I could have a home birth if I wanted to and they would legally have to support me with that. So that's what I did. I told them that's what I was going to do in the end. I didn't have a home birth because of some other things that were always going on. And I made the decision to go into hospital but unless people know this, unless people are aware of the role, the rights in the health care, you know, in general. But also like with giving birth, you can be made to feel like it's not a choice. So you're told that you have to go and have this consultant led care in the hospital laboring on your back, which we know isn't the best thing to do anyway. But it just severely restricted my options and it was, you know, I was treated in a very different way than my, I feel I'd been treated if I was in a smaller body. Yeah. And made to feel almost irresponsible because I'd let my body get to this size and it was, you know, like, how dare I do that to my child, you know, nothing happened. Everything was fine. Everybody was healthy. But yeah, it was a sobering experience to say that I used.
Victoria:
And we'll start with your first introduction to the world of fertility and birth and`fatness or were you already doing it?
Nicola:
It was my first experience of really seeing fatphobia reaction. I wasn't really aware or have the language for it at the time cause I was still very much entrenched in diet culture. But it was my first ever time of advocating for myself before that I was always just a goody two shoes. Yes. That's exactly what the doctor says. I'll do everything they tell me to do. And it was the first time I'd really ever stood up for myself. So that was a really big moment. Me and definitely one that propelled me down this path.
Victoria:
Yeah. That's so incredible. Cause I can't even imagine being told you are high risk and if you do a home birth and who knows what's going to happen kind of thing. You know, to have the strength to say no, like I'm going to do it my way. That's pretty amazing. Oh my God.
Nicola:
It took a lot and it took a lot of energy and it took a lot, especially being, you know, like eight, nine months pregnant at a time that's not an easy stretch, you know, kind of thing that you're doing to your body. So yeah, it was a lot. And again, these people shouldn't have to do that. They should be allowed to have the choices that they want to make and be supported on that and not have to have this extra bottle and this extra fight and take this extra energy because some people won't have the energy because pregnancy can totally deplete you and you can feel like you've got nothing left to give at the end of it. And that's so normal, especially if you're working and you know, so many people work throughout their pregnancies and not able to take time and rest when they get, when they're pregnant. So it's a lot to ask of people and then you go into new motherhood exhausted, you know, like you've just had this battle on your hands that you never wanted to have in the first place and you've given birth and now you've got a human to take care of. You've got no idea what to do when you know you're not setting up new mother's mental health in the best way. When you are giving people, you know, like putting people in that position.
Victoria:
And, so you mentioned that you were told that you were higher risk because you have a bigger body. What's the reality behind that? Like, Oh, people in bigger bodies are at higher risk for, you know, death or the baby not living and things like that. Or is that exaggerated?
Nicola:
So this term, high risk is really quite all in. It's like a kind of catchall. So they'll just label you high risk. They didn't really talk about what high risk is or they didn't for me. But high risk is that you are at higher risk of things like miscarriage, stillbirth. I talked about gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, you know, all these things. But realistically it's, the risks are that the risks are high, the rest have been shown in evidence, but they haven't accounted for things. Like a lot of these people have been dieting beforehand. A lot of these people have been treated differently in their pregnancies. And we know for a fact that for people of color in the UK, their death rates when they are given birth is ridiculously higher than the non people of color. So we know that the fact that there's this marginalization for people of people of color has an impact on their death rate when they are pregnant and that is not acceptable. Something, you know, there has to be something done about that, but we can see that marginalization has an impact on that and there's no reason to like disagree that that plays a role in how pregnancy is dealt with and how birth is dealt with. Because obviously it plays a huge role.
Victoria:
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. It's, it's, it's that idea that just because you have a fat body, the fat body is the thing that is responsible for any type of health outcome. But exactly like you saying about people of color and the astronomical death rate. And so you can't say, okay, people of color, their bodies just more at risk for dying. It's not their bodies. It's their experiences and the systems. Yeah. And the experiences in the systems of fat people, it makes total sense that is what is making them at higher risk for certain things. And I just imagine being giving birth, being so vulnerable and having people around you that, you know, don't approve of your body or think that you are a bad parent because of the size of your body is going to do no good for your feet, for the experience and for your brain and for the, for the health outcomes that you're going to have.
Nicola:
Well, we know that, you know, giving birth you need to, the best way to get a good outcome is to have a safe birth, to be in a safe environment. To, you know, all the hormones that were involved in birth is all around kind of oxytocin and creating this, you know, like feeling safe and feeling secure. You cannot do that in a brightly lit hospital room with doctors around you telling you that, Oh, I can't put this monitor on your belly because it's too big and it's not working. And in my first one they missed my what do they call it? Can't remember the rest of the junk now. I had an epidural on the first time they put it in, they missed so it didn't work. And they were like, Oh, well, you know, I couldn't really tell because if you're the fat on around your spine and Oh my God, like it's not an environment you want to be given birth.
Victoria:
And yeah, because going to the doctors as fat people we know can be very, very difficult. And yeah, in a being in a space where you, you know, you might have to be there and not being in control and just, Oh, I just sounds awful. Just thinking about these, you know, fat knob heads being like, Oh, you're so fat and you're like, I'm giving bath, leave me alone.
Nicola:
And it's, yeah, it's not it's not a super safe place to be as a fat person. Christian. Yeah. And so what about C-sections? Is there anything like that? Fat people are not given C-sections if they need it or they're given too many C-sections or they're given too many people. See people giving birth naturally in a fat body as too dangerous. So the C section rates are so much higher for people in bigger bodies. And again, you know, you totally should be free to have the birth that you want. And if you want to see section that is totally, totally respected and fine, but you shouldn't be made to feel like you have to have one because of your size of your body. Like there are benefits to having vaginal birth, there are benefits to C section. We should be given the option and you should be allowed to make that decision on your own.
Victoria:
Oh, it's just maddening. Maddening. I'm going, what were you gonna say?
Nicola:
I said it was going to say, it's just like this hyper focused fat phobic or weight stigma if just like all concentrated in this tiny area and it's just like magnifies everything because you know, it's this kind of life bringing into the world and it's just seen as so dangerous. It's, yeah, just crazy.
Victoria:
And on top of that, the guilt because there's another human involved your baby. The guilt of, you're such a bad parent because you're so fat. Oh my God. How could you do that to your baby? Yeah, actually on that TV show that was on, Who Are You Calling Fat, one of the people on there, she had given birth and she had gestational diabetes and she was there crying saying, I feel like such a bad mother. And you know, if I was there in that moment, not that she would have wanted me to be like, no, no, you're not a bad mother because you are fat and you had gestational diabetes. You're a bad mother if you're, you know, are a dickhead to your kids and the crew and things like that. Like things that like killed anybody. Yeah, right. You had gestational diabetes and you were fine and the baby was fine and you know, but it's really hard not to believe that because we're told being fat is a personal failing. And then when you have another person involved, the baby. Then you are just a monster for choosing quote unquote choosing to be fat.
Nicola:
Oh, and the thing is it doesn't stop there. Like the doctors are talking to me now about like fat babies, so like fat people having a higher risk of having fat babies and then, Oh my God, you know, like what can we do with these fat babies that are, you know, making it seem like this poor child who's barely been born is now like a health risk of all these other things going wrong in their life. You know, they're five minutes old and all they do, they're labeled as fat and unhealthy. You know, like it just doesn't stop. It's just, it's a joke.
Victoria:
I never heard about that before. I always thought like having a fat baby. He was like, Oh, good that fat. They're like sturdy. They're ready for the world. And, but now they're like, no, they're not spelt enough.
Nicola:
Yeah. Well, no, that's he fat now. And Oh, I read this, the heartbreaking story about this, I can't remember where I read it now, but it was this woman who was so worried about her, a baby being fat, that she wasn't feeding her enough. He wasn't giving her enough milk and giving her water instead because she was worried about how being too fat, this is a baby and the baby got so malnourished that the baby dies. And that's, Oh, how do we get to a point in our society where people are so worried about how big their babies are, that they are doing this to them?
Victoria:
Oh my God. Like, you know, it's very common to be like that with, I don't know, total is up because you know, parents are so terrified that their children are going to be fat. But I didn't, I never, I mean, I'd had, you know, I watched that there was one film. Do you remember seeing that film? You know, they'll film? No. You're like, what film?
Nicola:
That was a film where the it wasn't a true story, but the mother was only feeding the baby like vegan food and then only feeding it water and things like that. I've not seen it.
Victoria:
I think Adam Drivers in it I might be wrong anyway. And so I knew that that was a thing in fiction, but seeing it play out in real life and, you know, obviously it's happened before and I wonder how, you know, it just goes to show how powerful fat phobia is that you could think, genuinely believe that was what was best for the baby. Yeah. It's just, Oh yeah, yeah. Well, I want it to be lots of fat babies and, you know, chubby legs and big fat cheeks and all that sort of deliciousness. Oh yeah. Just yummy. Yes. And so after the baby is born is there any issues accessing care then or is there a different type of care then if you are in a bigger body?
Nicola:
It's tricky because a lot of people are kind of left to their own devices after their baby's born. There isn't a huge amount of postnatal care in our country. And as far as I'm aware, it's not really a big thing in any gift. The Western countries for the clients I work with. But I can say is that kind of once you give them birth, literally as soon as you give them birth, your body again becomes almost public property and they're like, Oh, so you know what you're doing to lose the baby weight and Oh, have you heard that breastfeeding helps you lose weight and the losing weight, the diets, the targeting on social media from all the like fit, get fit, do this with a post-baby body stuff is strong like the message is strong that you have to shrink your body again.
Victoria:
Mmm Hmm. Yeah. some are in and who's my friend? She is, she does the same thing as me and she has a baby and she was just like, its mm. It's just wicked. How everything in the pregnancy stuff that she is reading is well, make sure that you're not fat lose away and you know, just constant, you need to be thin and get your, you know, get your sexy body back and all that sort of bullshit. And you know, obviously I've not experienced that, but you know, he just makes me want to stab someone in the face. You know.
Nicola:
That's it again, these women are, you know, humans are such a vulnerable time in their life, you know, like taking care of a tiny human, they've got no idea what they're doing and they're being bombarded again saying, your body's not enough. Your body, you've got to do this, you've got to do that. And it's like, it's so bad for your mental health. So bad.
Victoria:
Yeah. Just, and as well, like kind of like that layering of, of the patriarchy that your body is this object and is your spouse now looking at you in a different way versus is your spouse bowing down at your feet being like, Holy shit, you just made a baby and you're amazing. You know, and that's what we should be expecting versus, you know, Oh, it's just my spouse saying that my body's not good enough now. And you know, do they want to date someone or be with someone who hasn't had a baby? And it's just the wrong thing that we're being told to focus on. You know?
Nicola:
Yeah. It's the last thing we should be focusing on. We should be focusing on how have we got enough sleep? Are we drinking enough water? You know, like these basic needs. Are they being met? And it should go well above and beyond that. But you know, like most people aren't even getting those basic needs met at this time in their lives. And it's the fact that we have to almost be putting what our body looks like above those basic needs is terrifying.
Victoria:
Well, as long as our is skinny and the baby is skinny and we're both catwalk ready, then nothing else matters. Right. Good. Yeah. Oh my God. So what would you say to someone who wants to get pregnant or is having struggles with their fertility or is pregnant or has just given birth? What advice would you give to those people?
Nicola:
So I think the biggest thing for me when I was starting out on this journey was surrounding myself with other people who looked like me. So whatever stage you're at, whether you want to get pregnant, you are pregnant, you've just had a baby. Surround yourself with people in bigger buddies who are at that stage of their life. You know, find like on Instagram is my favorite place. But find other people who are going through this thing a similar thing with you and hopefully aren't too entrenched in diet culture that all they talk about is dieting, right? You just want to be able to have other people going through this experience. People see, see all the bud lease, you look like your body's like postnatal or during pregnancy because your body will look different than the magazines show you that your body should look like in pregnancy and postnatal. It's really about, you know, finding other examples and normalizing what you see in the mirror versus kind of what you see on the outside world. That was the most helpful thing that's helped me when I've been going through all this stuff.
Victoria:
And what about we, we've spoken about this before, the trusting of your body to get pregnant.
Nicola:
It's such a huge part because we're told over and over and over and over again that your body won't get pregnant, but you can't practice people. Fat people can't get pregnant. And you just become, and you're so used to diet culture telling you that you can't trust your body. Like you can't trust your hunger signals. You can't trust your cues. You can't trust what it's telling you that we just get so disassociated from our bodies. And I think when you want to get pregnant, we building that trust can be a really important piece of the puzzle. So just really getting in touch with how your cycles working because you know, you need, you know, having a healthy cycle can be really helpful when you want to get pregnant. And just, yeah, just really paying attention to what your body needs and what your body wants is a really beautiful way to reconnect with your body. And your body is going to be fucking phenomenal. Your body is going to create human being. You know, you need to be able to trust it to do that and to go through that process without, you know, this fear and worry that we're told that we have to, you know, you have to be afraid if it has and you have to be afraid of that because the truth is that you don't, and most people will not get gestational diabetes or preeclampsia, you know, all these scary things. Most people are going to have completely happy, healthy pregnancies and babies at the end of it.
Victoria:
I get this sense that for a fat person, a good thing is just to kind of relax and, you know, you're like you say trust yourselves and not worry so much.
Nicola:
I mean, telling people to just relax is a much harder thing. Just chill out. Would you relax? Yeah, exactly. I mean, yeah, finding ways that you can support yourself so that you aren't constantly worried and stressed and thinking about this all the time. Like you don't want this stuff keeping you up at night because you need sleep. Like sleep is just as important as what you're eating to support your health and wellbeing. But finding ways that you can look after yourself and support yourself, just be really kind to yourself I think is a really good place to start because we are so used to being ourselves up in front buddies. We are so used to that being the norm of like the thoughts that go around the round around in our heads. Like you guys were told as good faculties we're supposed to be thinking about our next dialogue or our next Weber. So really just being kind to yourself and thinking, okay, one of my favorite things to do is just to stop and pause and go, what do I need right now? Do I need a drink? Do I need to go for a week? You know, like meeting my needs and just really honoring what my body needs in any given moment. It's really only way that you can like do this, right? You know, you're only in the present moment and say, just going for what your body needs and give a moment.
Victoria:
Mm, beautiful. Beautiful. So obviously people want to know more about this and you have a book, right? You tell us about it, Fat and fertile.
Nicola:
So, I self published it about six months ago now and the response I've had has been phenomenal. I am so grateful. It took me a long time to write because I was absolutely petrified of being a fat fertility coach. You know, like this is one of when I was coming to terms with you and I have deceased me and I'm going to have to be fat for the rest of my life. Does this mean I'm not going to be happy? You know, I had to work for all that shit that I'd kind of taken on board. So it's just, it sat in my drawer for around time, but finally it's in the light of day and I'm just, you know, people are so happy to be able to read abook that's about that body that's not written by a thin person telling them to lose weight and to eat all the kale and Afrikaans day that they can find. It's really about looking at ways that you can support yourself in a bigger body and how you can advocate for yourself in a big bowl if you need to and how to, you know, practical stuff around, you know, what, what can you do to work for these beliefs that you have that you're not able to get pregnant in your bigger body. And it's kind of a lot of nice stuff in there as well about like I did and how my journey to pregnancy was. So it's really just, I like to describe it as a hug in a book. It's really kind of comforting, nourishing, loving book.
Victoria:
Mm. And so where can people get it on your website? On Amazon.
Nicola:
It's on Amazon. All over the world. That was the easiest way I could self publish it. I know Amazon is a bit, but yeah, it was just the easiest way to get it out there so people can read it. So it's, yeah. Ebook and you can get a paper copy as well.
Victoria:
Amazing. So you're the best. I'm just soaking in all this knowledge that you've shared and I know you have so much more, so people should definitely go and get your book and go to your websites. Which is nicolasalmon.co.uk and I'm going to link your social links. You're on Instagram is Fat Positive fertility and Facebook. So people can go and have a creep, have a look and be like, Oh yes. Oh my God. Yes. This is so right. But something I like to do is at the end of each episode, I share a fact about me. And now you have sent me some facts about you and every single one, I was like, get out all your fact. So way better than my facts. I'm like, what how rude! Like my facts are like, Oh, I like having a nice pool and having a nice page. You'll fax it like, Oh, I'm a film star. Oh, I'm a new Keela physicist. Get out lifeguard. What? Okay, so I'm going to read to somebody who's out, but I want you to explain some more. So once you were an extra in a film with James McAvoy, what was that then? Superstar.
Nicola:
They did film at my university. I went to University College London, in London. And they filmed a quite, remember what the film is called now. How bad is that? Stopped at the town it's called. It was before James McAvoy was really a film star. I'd really had no idea who it was at the time. But yeah, it's basically just me like walking behind him on this film. Yeah. Which was fun. Is there a fun, actually.
Victoria:
Is there a clip on the internet?
Nicola:
I'm sure I could find you a clip. Yeah, I'll find you want to send it to you.
Victoria:
Yeah, amazing. So your next fact is before you're a fertility coach, you were a nuclear physicist and part of your job was to clean a radioactive toilet. Was that a toilet that I'd been on?
Nicola:
No. Why us radioactive? It's actually really radioactive. So I used to trained before I was a coach, I trained as a medical physicist. So I did a master's in medical engineering and physics and I ended up working in the nuclear medicine department at a hospital in London. And we gave lots of different people for cancers and various things like radioactive medicines to help with that cancers. One of the things, one of the treatments was that they had to stay in a room isolated because they were so ready to actually, if they couldn't be around people. So part of our job at the end of it and they'd finish that day and I could go hide and was to kind of go around the room and clean everything clean all the toilets and everything and test it with one of those BPPP for my chest to make sure it wasn't too radioactive for the people to be around.
Victoria:
And how'd you clean a radioactive toilet? Is it just lots of bleach?
Nicola:
Yeah, lots of bleach. The grease. Yeah.
Victoria:
I thought it'd be like some kind of radioactive bleach. Like there's no cool lasers involved. No, I thought that's what I thought was there. Just be lasers and smoke and stuff. You've ruined it for me, Nicola. Sorry. And you were qualified lifeguard at university, so you're an amazing swimmer. Jealous.
Nicola:
Not anymore. Well, no. You probably remember how to do it right. It's like riding a bike. Well, I'm not sure about the lifesaving you there, but the swimming, but yeah. Did you ever save anyone's life? The only incident I ever had to deal with was so it was like a university swimming pool and they have clubs. The only incident was when the trainee life cops, you had their own little club but practicing saving each other and one of them hit them over the head with a light lifesaving brain.
Victoria:
Oh no. Really? Yeah. That was it. And then you're like, get out the way, stupid. I'll say. Yeah. And you can wiggle only one year. Why only one?
Nicola:
Well, if I take a lot of practice, this is what I was doing when I supposed to be revising for my degree. I was just like practicing like this light, just one muscle, like in my ear. I think it's my left ear. I can wake anything just like, but you got to make sure you don't do your eyebrow at the same time.
Victoria:
I'm literally trying to do it now. Are you doing it now?
Nicola:
Yeah. I'm like, can I do it? Can I, am I now for secret elf? No, I can't do that. Yeah.
Victoria:
Thank you so much for being on the show. I so appreciate it. You are an amazing first guest. Oh my gosh. The best. Yes. yeah. And sharing all your knowledge, like that is a lot. So you making the world a better place and this information is so goddamn important and you've made me so angry that I am just going to go into my local doctor's office and be like, fuck you all, I do. But she also checked me up with your wonderful facts that make me feel very jealous. Yes. So thank you and thank you listener for hanging out with us today. A reminder to share that you're listening to this podcast and you are going to be put into a draw to win a Fierce Fatty mug. And if you and/or you don't have to do both, but if you write a review about the podcast on Stitcher or Stitcher, Stitcher, Spotify, Spotify and Apple, Apple, iTunes, thingamajig, not Stitcher, ignore me. Then email me, take a screenshot before you submit it and email me with that. And I will send you a digital and audio copy of my best selling book, which is also called Fierce Fatty. So I will see you on the next episode, Fatty. Good bye.
EP12 Transcript
Hello and welcome to the Fierce Fatty podcast. I am your host Victoria Welsby. In this episode we are talking about new year's resolutions that won't make you feel like a big bag of shit. Is it possible? Yes. Let's do it.
You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm Victoria Welsby, TEDx speaker, best-selling author, and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self-esteem to being a courageous and confident Fierce Fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living in a fat body is bad, but what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century. So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty Podcast. Let's begin.
Welcome to 2020. Oh my God, you survived. I survived. If you're listening to this in a different year, then. Welcome to the year that you're listening to this whole raw, you're alive. So it's the beginning of a new year and during this time, Oh my God, the amount of bullshit that we get bombarded with, you know, diet adverts and all that new year, new you start the new year because you're a fat piece of shit. You're gonna love it. It's pretty overwhelming, right? And there's a thing about starting a new year is you do want to reset or try something new or become the best version of yourself. And I know I just went and had a good old clean and disinfected things. I'm like, Oh my God, it feels so good. So it's normal to want to start a new year and make some changes and often ex dieters or dieters or any human being in the world, one thing that they will try is a new diet in the new year and as we know, diet, doesn't fucking work. They're a big bag of bullshit and diet companies are smart. They're packaging diets in new ways. I always saw this diet advert today. And it was like this animation of this woman's singing. And I'm saying, Oh, you got one on one support. And I was like, Oh, it looks so fun. And then I was like, Oh, it's a fucking ad. It's the fucking diet advert. And I was like, well, no. And so they're smart about repackaging these things and you might be looking at some of these new fancy diets where you put a cucumber up your bum hole and think, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, this might one might work. And it's not because your naive or gullible or whatever it is because they're really fucking smart marketers. They have to be because diet had been around for a while now, and body positivity and anti diet is becoming more and more mainstream.
And so they had to be like, this isn't an ad diet. So many people come to me and say I don't know if this is actually a diet or noise. It's one where you rub pepper into your eyes. Like it's not a dye. And I'm like, yeah, that's a diet. And so if you are trying to manipulate your body size through what you eat or yeah, trying to manipulate, but your body side through what you eat, then it's a diet, right? So if you're on the, I might be thinking about doing a diet, check out this episode, listen on in. Or if you just want to improve the way that you relate to your body and you're not at that place yet, or thinking that you're a bad ass fucking queen or king or gender nonconforming royalty member. Well that would be, I'm with these words like what is the last episode I was talking about that God get a new topic, but I'm just like, what is the nonbinary word for that?
Anyway, so if you're not at that place yet where you know that your body is fine just the way it is, or okay or amazing, if you're a place where you are actively dislike in your body, maybe try some of these suggestions for new year's resolutions that are gonna make you feel better and not worse. Because if you go on a diet, chances are it's going to fail. And then what happens when something fails is we blame ourselves. And diet companies are really good at blaming you as well because you are so bad and naughty and you just ate all the food when the reality is that diets are not sustainable and not eating food makes you feel out of control around food and you need food anyway. If you want to know more about my diets don't work, then go back to episode like two or three where I talk about it.
Yeah, so I'm going to give you some suggestions and these are things that I do and these are things I continually do. Because it's not like you get to a place where you're like, I am amazing, and then that's it. You know you're done for the rest of your life. It's a constant process because we are constantly being bombarded with messages to say that you're not good enough, and the way that I deal with it is that I have a very, I'm very in tune with whenever I am not feeling 100% I'm really out. I'm a detective about it. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Because it's, it's strange, right? If I'm having doubts about who I am as a person, if I don't think that I'm worthy, if I look at my body and I think that there's something wrong, something's happened, something's influenced that, right?
It's not that I'm inherently wrong or bad and it's just I've had a realization, Oh shit, I'm a a unworthy person. I've just realized it no, something has influenced me and so I practice this and so it becomes really easy now, like an instant, almost an instant thing where I'm like, ah, there we go. There's a bad body thought. Yup. Know where that came from getting that out of my life. Thank you very much. So this is a practice. Everything that I'm going to suggest to you, it's not, you know, you're going to get rid of it and then on the next day you're gonna wake up and you're like, Oh, hello. I'm Beyonce. Hello, I'm amazing. You might do, who knows? But you just have to keep practicing it. So some suggestions for you, things that you can take on. You can do all of these things.
You can do one of them. You can say, fuck you it already, these are all bullshit. I'm not doing any of them. Whatever you want. You're the boss of you. So first one is to take all body shaming language out of your life. And so that starts with talking about you and not saying like, Ugh, I'm so disgusting today. Or, or even not just body shame and just derogatory shared about yourself. And so you might have, a lot of us do have a habit of being like, Oh, I'm so fucking stupid, or, Oh, I should have done this and I should have done that. And Oh, my hair looks like shit today, or whatever it is. How often do you do the opposite? Whenever I talk about myself I'm always just like, Oh, I look great today. Like if I verbalize things, it will be a positive thing.
Cause your ears are right next to your mouth, right? And they're hearing that share. And so if you're talking crap about your body areas, I'm like, listen to me and what she say. And then it goes into your brain. And then it's just a reinforcing of that negative message. And you might be thinking it, but how about if you're thinking it, you decide in that moment to pick out something that you do like about yourself and voice that instead. Or if you catch yourself being like, Oh, you know, something is bad today or I don't look good today, or whatever, say something positive to counteract that. And so the other side of this is talking about other people now it's so common when we want to bring someone down is to talk about their parents, right? Think about Donald Trump. Think about the ways that people take him down.
They say that his hair is shit. And he's fat and he has a small penis. And if you engage in that type of talk, you're saying it's okay to judge others even if they are the devil themselves on how they look. And it's not, it's not, even though Donald Trump is the biggest bellend around, it's not okay to say, Oh, you see such a fat bastard or whatever. It's body shaming. So even if your body shaming your worst enemy, it's body shaming. It's judging others on their body and that's not okay. Even for people that we hate. So get that language out of your life. And even, you know, like someone that Donald Trump like, Holy shit, he's got so many bad things about him and the fact that he is fat is not one of them. Literally like you've got a laundry list of shit to go after day, you know, we just, you know, so many things you can be like, well that he, he's a bad guy.
He's a bad person. He's a racist and a rapist and a predator and evil and all that sort of stuff. And saying, Oh, and he has a small willie. It's just, it's not cool. And talking about him saying he has a small penis is transphobic. So those statues, remember those statues that went up maybe a couple of years ago, and it's just to mock him how many people who have that body that size penis, that size body, that size, stomach, whatever, that hairstyle, whatever. And the nation is like, Whoa, you know, this is so funny look at this statue of Donald Trump naked. To try and belittle him, but it's going about it in the wrong way, right? Because if you had that body and you see the whole nation laughing at you, if you had that penis size and the whole nation was laughing, Oh my God, it's so shameful to look like that. Well, it's not very nice as it those, you know so yeah, body shaming, shamy language get it out of your life and you feel want to insult someone else, just go creative, right. Got on a massive wanker rebellend or whatever it is.
So next, number two. I, there's something about my personality which is I like taking stock of things. And so I have kept a diary since I was 11? 11? Or 12, maybe 13 at the very oldest. But I was given a diary then and then I spent maybe 10 years fitting that up and have another diary. So fucking interesting and funny and sad and all of those things. But anyway, I have this habit of wanting to write and so this is easy for me. And so what I do every night is I will write down in the morning and at night. So in the morning I write down what I'm grateful for, three things I'm grateful for. And in the evening I write down the three best things that happened that day and how I could have improved that day. Now you can just do that or you can buy, I have a specific diary for this, which I wish I bought, which is called the Five Minute Journal. Just Google Five Minute Journal. I'm to think there's a three minute one there too as well. They will just knock off the sore of each other. It's not fat friendly because there's a blurb in the beginning and it mentioned something like weight loss and I was like, Oh fuck sake. So you know, maybe don't read the blurb or maybe get the three minute one, maybe they don't have for mention of weight in it or maybe just write, you know, just write them down yourself.
So the three things I'm in the morning, the three things I'm grateful for and three things that I would like to happen that day and in the evening, the best things that happened, three best things that happened that day and what I could have done to improve the day or make it better. Now this is something that I've done for a long time. So sometimes I'll have breaks and I have always have some sort of diary where at the end of the day I ask a question. I have one, which is a five year one, I'm on year two now. And it's interesting, so interesting. But it really, really gives you clarity and practicing gratitude has been shown to benefit you in multiple ways. And one way that's related to confidence and, and loving yourself is to realize that even if you perceive that your body is not okay, your body still does tons of shit for you.
Like you're like, Oh, my body is disgusting and your body is like, yo, mother fucker. I'm like breathe in here for you. I'm making your heart beat, your brains work. And I know your complain about is that you don't like to tell a lie. Like fuck you, right? So getting that habit of appreciating what we do have in life, which is if you listening to this podcast, you have more privilege, financial privilege then most people in the world, right? If you can read and write, if you have access to water, if you have a roof over your head, if you have people that love you, all those types of things that really is a privilege. And it's, sometimes we can take it for granted, right? And I know sometimes I can be like, Oh, my fucking family is the worst.
But then really there's lots of things that I've got to be to be grateful for and you'll start noticing as well that you do start being more grateful for the things that you have in your life and the people that you have in your life. And you start realizing actually what brings you happiness. And so the three amazing things that happened today, which is you do at the nighttime, you start realizing it's not actually the things that you think that make you happy. It's, you know, the silly little things like, Oh, my dog was curled up next to me and we had a really nice cuddle tonight. Or my family spent time with me, or my partner kissed me, things like that, or I had a really good egg sandwich versus you know, I drove my car today and it's like really fancy. And people stared at me because they thought I was rich. You know, it's not necessarily those types of things. Or, you know, I've got a big package of clothes today and the clothes make me feel amazing. It's not necessarily those things. And so it makes you realize, ah, okay, so spending time with my partner or spending time with kids or spending doing this or going outside walking or whatever it is really have an impact on my happiness levels and it helps you become generally more happy, right? We want some of that. So that is another suggestion for you.
Now this is a good one for the new year, but I do this very often anyway. I do this probably once a quarter. And that is to go through your closets, your home, and look for things that bring your mojo down, that bring your vibe down, that make your brain and makes your brain sad. So starting in the closet do you have things in your closet that don't fit? Get rid of that shit. Why have you got it in there? If you've got things like the fit, maybe when you were 11 years old and you're like, Oh, I'm gonna slim down into that or your, your prom dress when you were a few sizes smaller and you're just like, Oh, well I only have one day, one day. And when you see it, you're like, Oh, I used to be so thin and pretty and now look at me. How often do you go in your wardrobe? Probably every day, right? So you're going into this place, opening these doors, opening the drawers every day. And if you've got things in there that reminds you that you're not good enough for whatever reason, it could be that it's not that you've got clothes that don't fit.
Maybe you've got clothes are really worn out and clothes that don't make you feel good. And if you have the financial ability to, you can just get rid of those things and maybe find something that's nicer and you know, you can get into this habit of wearing clothes that don't necessarily make you happy or is a Marie Kondo says spark joy. And why not wear those things that make you feel joyous on a day to day basis? If you've bought clothes, thats or like goal outfits when you were dieting previously and you're just like, but they were so expensive and they're so nice, donate them. Someone else is out there who's like, Oh, I really want one of those things and they're going to the charity shop and they can't find them, right. So what about the things that you have in your house?
Do you have a set of scales? Get rid of the scales they need to go, Oh my God. Scales. I'm just like, Oh, scales. They give me the heebie- jeebies, no. If you live in a house with a partner who has scales and it's their scales, you could do something like ask them to put them somewhere else that you don't see them or hide them somewhere that you don't know where they are. But seeing those, imagine if they're in your bathroom and every time you go and have a poo, you're staring at the scales and you're like, maybe I'm too fat. Or you accidentally stand on them and you're like, Oh my God. And you know, it's just, is that a reminder for you? You could be like, don't fucking care about scales and it's fine. Keep them around. But I mean, why do you need to scales?
Like my mom has scales in her house and I'm like, why don't you have scales? And she's like, Oh, I don't want you, don't weigh yourself to you. And she's like, why I use them for like if, if we go traveling to weigh the how heavy the, the suitcases, which this isn't up here now. My mum doesn't go dry, doesn't go traveling. No. The last time she went traveling, she came to Canada. I'm a four or five Finn. Two years ago, actually she came two years ago, she came to see me do my Ted talk. And she was like, never again, cause she doesn't like it. She just likes, she's very, she's a homebody. And so I know she has these scales to weigh luggage for these non-existent tropical vacations that she's going to go on. And so subconsciously when she sees the scales, what is she thinking? You know, I don't know. Because, you know, she says it's for weighing luggage, but you know, when I see them I'm like, fuck you scales. I'm like, can I throw them out? And she's like, no. Anyway. So what about other things that things are bringing you down? Like do you have a Fitbit? You know what a Fitbit is doing is telling you, bitch, you didn't do enough today, right? And sometimes they might say, Oh, you look, you're so good, you did like 5 billion steps today. Well done. That means you're a more worthy human being. Well, no, no, you're not more worthy if you do zero steps or if you do a billion steps in a day. Is that a reminder? Oh, you know, you might be like, no, my Fitbit is fine. I like it. You know, it's good to know how many steps I do or whatever it is.
I don't know what else it does, but probably other magical things. Only you will know, right? You'll know if if it's actually helpful or if you know, deep down actually looking at the steps is, it's given me some type of anxiety around my worth. You have to be very in tune with this stuff because to begin with you might be like, no, it's fine. And then the more you get in tune with how you're feeling and what might trigger those negative feelings, you'll be able to split it better. So if you're unsure why not just not wear it for a while and see if your body satisfaction increases or decreases or stays the same, right? You have to be a detective. Find out what is good and bad for you. What about on your phone? Do you have apps that you need to get rid of?
Like do you have old dieting apps or some type of app that is triggering for you? Like some sort of wide no movement app and you're like, Oh, you see and you think you need to do 50,000 crunches or something. And what about newsletters? The emails that you're getting, like have you previously subscribed to, you know, raw vegan, clean eating bullshit, you know, only like wallpaper to stay thin diet. Unsubscribed from that bullshit. Like you're giving brain space, even if it is just a few seconds seeing those emails come in, get rid of them, unsubscribe, throw them into the sea, whatever it is,right?
So the next step is looking at the things that you are consuming in regards to media and social media and films and TV and magazines and all that type of stuff. And notice how this might change. You might start watching a TV series and be fine and then halfway through you might be like, Oh my God, I don't know. Actually I've spent 16 hours watching this TV series and I've only seen thin people in it, right? Or I've noticed they're making fat jokes. Like I started watching You, I'm not going to give you any spoilers. But there is a fats character. They're like a side character. I'm like, okay, great. There's a fat character and there's like no mention of of their weight or anything like that. But most of the actors are, you know, thin people and they make a fat joke as well. I'm just like, ah, haven't finished watching it. But I wonder, you know, I'm being careful of how much that might affect my mental health, right. Binge watching series. And so I'm watching it still, even though I know that they're straights, there's almost exclusively straight size and, and beautiful, you know, stereotypically beautiful people in it.
I'm just noticing how that might affect me. And so far I've not noticed anything because I think there's a lot of liberal ideas in the show. But anyway, but I saw this cause it's the end of the year, like Roundup of like best articles that you should read. And this one article was like this one website is a body-positive. This one Instagram account is body positive and it's showing how celebs have Photoshop their images. And so I went and checked out of the Instagram account. I must've been fucking one in the morning, but I spent, it seems like 17 hours, but like probably half an hour looking at these images the celebs had photoshopped in and they have like before and after in a like a video. And so it's like it will go from like edited to not edited and you know, the idea is to be like, Oh, these labs, this is what their real body looks like.
And so I thought, Oh yeah, this is interesting, this is good. And then they start showing like pictures of closeup off celebs faces and stuff. And I'm like, well this is good because you can see how celebrities are flawed like everyone. And you know how you get into a black hole of this stuff. And so for like half an hour I'm scrolling and being like, Oh yeah, yeah, they've definitely edited that and thinking why, you know, why and, you know, thinking, getting into their brain of them thinking that, you know, their waist is too big or their bum needed to be more curvaceous or whatever it is, but they're not. Then I was like, okay, there's enough of this. I've, you know, literally Victoria go to sleep. And then I went to the to the washroom and I looked at my face in the mirror and I was like, Oh, well look at my face compared to the celebs. And I started noticing things on my face being like, look at, look at these wrinkle around my eyes. And I had this thought of, you better not be smiling too much Victoria, because you're going to, people are gonna see your wrinkles.
I was like, what? I immediately, I was like, Oh shit, that half an hour looking at this one Instagram account. I'm not going to tell you what the account is because I don't want you to have the same experience. Even though I went in thinking, Oh, this is good, because this is like highlighting what celebs actually looked like. Really what I was looking at was looking at bodies, which was still socially the top ranks of what a body should look like according to us society. Even though when there were unedited, they were still absolutely unattainable unrealistic. And so I was looking at this quote unquote perfect image and then going back to the imperfect one and the imperfect one was still insane, right. And then the close ups of subspaces and some of the faces where, you know, older celebrities and obviously no wrinkle inside perfect skin, you know, and they're trying to find the little kind of imperfections.
And then when I looked at my face I was like, Whoa, what my face isn't like the celebs faces. And I've never cared about my face. Like I've always been like, my face is fine. Like not my face is good. I've never needed to worry about it. But I started worrying about it and this is a couple of weeks ago and I still, I'm noticing sometimes looking in the mirror at my face, I'm having a reaction. And so what that is, is great information for me. So I know if I ever see an article about being like, Oh look at these Photoshop fails, I am not looking at that now. Maybe in a few years time I might look again and you know, forget about this story I'm telling you and look again and it might not affect me. It might not affect you or maybe it will affect you, but in that moment that affected me, maybe I'm having some sort of also something else is going on where I'm thinking, Oh my God, I'm, I'm getting older and I don't have a partner.
And you know, who knows, right. What, what else is going on that is influencing that. But I found that that was a trigger. And so yeah. Are you looking at things that you know afterwards don't make you feel good? Well guys, don't look at them and it can be really hard, right? Like even on, on Instagram, obviously I never like pictures of like diet accounts or foods, you know, you know, change the pastor for, for, for air and you'll be thin and things like that, those types of accounts. But still, you know, on the discover page, I'll scroll down and sometimes things will show and I'll be like, Oh, what's that? And I'll look at it and I'll be like, Oh fuck, it's a diet thing. Oh shit. He said before and after, but I didn't see it from the small thumbnail. And so they're still trying to creep in because you know, a lot of people do like that type of stuff.
And the algorithm is probably like, Oh, well she likes all this plus size content, this, you know, anti diet stuff. And maybe she'll like diet stuff and maybe she'll like people who used to be plus-sized and they've lost weight. And so it's a constant battle of protecting your mental health as much as possible. Like protecting it like it's a newborn baby, you know, especially if you're not in a place where you're rock solid with how you feel. You have to be really aggressive about it and be strict with yourself because it's like taking poison. And you might take, just take a little drop of it, but it's just simmering in your system. Or, you know you might notice the immediate effects, but if it's just like a little drop here and there and eventually, you know, you're gonna die from this poison from miracle to die, but you know, an allergy.
So be strict with yourself. And if you've noticed the like for example with this you know, me looking at my face and being like, Oh, maybe I should not smile but ridiculous. Then what can you do to counteract that? And so looking at images of older people maybe or off or people who are, whatever it is that you're concerned about, people who are embracing those parts of those their body and joyful, not people being like, Oh, this is what I used to look like, or, you know, that type of stuff. So you can, it's like the antidote, right? It might not be as powerful as that poison because I'm telling you half an hour of me looking at these before and after pictures of celebs not be know before Photoshop and whatnot. It might take 10 hours of body-positive content to erase that.
Or you know, three hours talking to my therapist about it or whatever, right. So you have to be very careful because that stuff is really powerful. Nah, we just spoke about it. My therapist, Oh my God, I fucking love therapy. I love therapy so much. I talk to my therapist, so once a month, normally almost once every three weeks. I've been talking to her for maybe seven years now for the same one. Amazing, love her so much. And before that I didn't have enough money before that to go to see a paid therapist. And so I found a free therapist. And so they're probably, maybe I don't know where you live, but there may be resources for you to go and see a therapist. So that's my next one is if you can, working with a professional on this type of stuff.
I cannot tell you how much I love and appreciate the fact that I have access to therapy. It really is really, really important. And the way I see it is you might be like, well, I've got friends and family that I can talk to about my stuff, but one, sometimes your friends and family are too close and they're trying to influence you in ways that they want to influence you, right? And so the ways that they want to influence you, we all do it then it might be good for you, but we don't know. It might not be the best reason, but when you have a third party who is not, you know, carrying their own baggage about who you are and all that type of stuff is very helpful. And also it's not actually your friends and family's jobs to be your therapists.
And of course, you know, we talk with our friends and family about our problems and, you know, come up with solutions and say if you're sad and all that type of stuff, but it's not anyone else's job to fix you. It's only your job. And honestly, our friends and families aren't, unless they're a therapist, even if they are that they're not qualified to do that, you know, cause you wouldn't have a friend as a therapist, therapist as a friend, cause they might be too close is what I mean about that. But yeah, so even if you're investing, you know, a couple of hundred bucks every six weeks or two months or month or whatever it is, however much a therapist is in your area, I don't know, like it's probably cheaper in other places, but the investment, the return on investment for me for therapy has been exponential.
It's been like a bazillion percent return on investment. Honestly I cannot tell you enough and a lot of people say to me, well, I went to therapy once and I just didn't like therapist and guess what, well there's loads of therapists out there that you might go to one, two, three and be like, nah, it's not necessarily therapy. You don't like, it's that therapist, right. So, my therapist I went to she was probably the fourth therapist, my previous therapists, they were though two were okay. One I went to before her and she was like this British lady and you know, I'm British, but she's very like snooty and being like, Oh, this is your problem and this is what's wrong with you. And I was just like, Mitch, we've been like speaking for 15 minutes. How do you know what's wrong with me?
And another thing, I spoke to another therapist for the BBC show. They provide you with therapists before to make sure if you're okay to do the show and afterwards. And I didn't like her either and it wasn't a fit. And so, you know, I've had, that's probably five actually now five therapists and this one I've had, she is a great fit. And it's like meeting people at a party, right? You might meet one person and be like, there are massive dickhead and you might meet someone else and be like, Oh my God, I want them to be my best friend and therapists forever. So, so do some experimentation. Six and people out. And the great thing about modern technology is that you can talk to therapists online nowadays. And so no matter where you are in the world, and I've seen these adverts, I can't remember the name of it, but you can Google it and find it.
We can talk to therapists virtually. And so you can text with them. You can email them, you can video chat with them. And I'm really sure. It's pretty inexpensive. So how about that for a new year's resolution, trying doing some therapy or you know doing a program or something Oh, something that you could do is a program that could support you loving your fat body is Fierce Fatty Academy, which is my program. It is not available to buy or to enroll in currently. It will be sometime in 2020. I don't know yet. I haven't done my planning for 2020 yet. I'm recording this in 2019, by the way. So don't be like, Oh my God, it's 2020 already. It's still 2019. I have time. So I don't know when you can get it, but enrolling in a program like face value Academy, which helps you love your fat body and find peace around food is that a wise investment for you in 2020, right? Am I not be, it might be, you might be like, no, it's not actually also a different program could be, but know that, you know, something like Fierce Fatty Academy is out there in the world. So with therapy, with working on their stuff, I was able to do my next step.
My next step is getting rid of shit people. So new year's resolution, write it down, get rid of shit people from my life. This has been one of the hardest things for me because it's dating with other people, right? And sometimes the people you get rid of or you need to get rid of you know, limit the time you spend with them or get rid of the amount of your life completely. Could be people who are very close to you and you might have a deeply you know, dysfunctional or entangled relationship or codependent or whatever. And so this is very difficult. And so with therapy, maybe, maybe not, who knows? You could work to know how to deal with those people, the people you know who aren't right for you in your life, move away from them or get rid of them completely. And it can be a really long process. And so I have a family member who is in the immediate family and for years in therapy, I've been working on trying to repair the relationship. And so this person let's call her Becky, this person, Becky for years has broken my trust, has been really inappropriate. And so by wanting to get over it, I was just, I just want to get over it and I just wanna forget about it and not, it just not be a thing. I'm just so done with being mad at this person. And so literally years in therapy of being like, okay, so what do I do? Okay, I'm going to reach out to her and tell her how I feel. I'm going to send her a letter. I'm going to set a boundary. I want to take some time away from her. And tried, honestly tried everything I could to try and make this relationship work because it was in the immediate family. And not having a relationship with Becky would be very difficult. And so eventually through therapy I had to work out. Actually I can't have this person in my life in any capacity. So I can't talk to them, I can't engage with them, I can't even if they try being like, Oh, I love you, I'm sorry, and please be my friend and things like that. I can't do that right now. It might change. But and this has been the situation for the past year and having this person who has for many years been a negative influence and just a source of anguish because I wanted to fix the thing and I couldn't fix the thing. And why can't I fix the thing? Why can't I just get over it? I'm realizing I just have to let it go. Has been so great, really great hard, complicated. I've had a lot of flack from other family members because I should just get over it and be their friend and stopping so sensitive and things like that. Which those comments are not appropriate by the way. But that stuck a big example of something that I've done, which I'm actually very proud of because I've set boundaries in place which are very difficult to do because it's you know, like I say in the close family but I'm not saying you go do that tomorrow, just you never talk to your parents again or whatever.
But do you have people that your kind of may know, friends, friends or friends who you don't see that often, but you know that when you spend time with 'em no good comes of it and you leave spending time with them feeling down or not as good, you know, are you, are you spending time with people and you're like, Oh yeah, that person's fucking awesome. Oh my God, I can't wait to see them again. Or you know, the way that you're feeling afterwards is a really good indication of what's going on, you know, in that dynamic, in that relationship. And of course you can work on fixing it, but some people, you know, deep down we know that that person isn't good for us. Just can you move away from them? Can you spend less time with them? Can you write on a vision board?
Get rid of Becky in 2020. Then Becky comes around and is like, what's this? They go done for you. But you don't have to have shitty people in your life, by the way, right? It's not your job to fix them. You're not a bad person for breaking up with people. Even if you've been friends with them for years, even if they're a family member, even if they are your spouse, even their the father or mother of your child or whatever it is. If people are not working for you and you know that relationship is not benefit beneficial for both of you, then seriously consider ending it. Spending less time with the person putting in boundaries, life too short and no on that is you might feel like you're being too sensitive and overreacting. And if you, you kind of drift away from someone or break up with them, they may accuse you of being too sensitive.
But as you become more confident and realize your worth, you realize the things that you have been taking as this is okay behavior is not actually okay and it's okay for them. That's fine, but it's not. It's not okay for you now and it's fine. So there are some suggestions for ya. Tell me. Are you going to do any of those things? All of them. None of them. Do you have your own? Are you inspired to do your own version of one of these or some of these? Message me, let me know at victoria@fircefatty.com, or you can find me on Instagram, fierce.fatty or Facebook, Fierce Fatty. Or anywhere else. Twitter. I'm already on Twitter. I'm on Twitter. I'm on Twitter, but I've made my account private because of all of the trolls that I got from Who Are You Calling Fat? The BBC documentary that I was in though. They attended to congregate more on Twitter than they did on Instagram, which was interesting.
Anyway so my sister was hanging out with me today and I told her that I was doing this podcast episode and I said to her that at the end of the podcast episode, I always show, tell you a fact about me. And so I said to her, what should my fact be today? And my sister told me to tell you some embarrassing things about me. So the first fact that she wanted you to know about me is that once, when we were kids we lived in a really rough neighborhood and we were hanging around in some bushes as you do. And I found this Teddy bear, this I don't know, looks like maybe it's a polar bear. I was maybe 10. And she was 8 around that. And so I found this bear, and it was a white bear used to be white and it was like covered in like mud and it looked like tar basically don't even touch it, you know, don't even go near that thing, put it in the bed and like disgusting, duh, you know. So I said to my sister, Oh look, I found this bear. And she's like, Oh, can I have it? And I was going to be like on a story in the bed. And I was like, yeah, but you have to pay me for it. So then she was like, how much? And I was like five pounds, five pounds. And five pounds then was loads of money, especially cause we were really poor. We were really poor kids. And so she probably had to save up and give me the money, but she, she gave me five pounds.
And this Teddy bear she called Snowy was literally disgusting. I think mum put it in the wash, but I remember she kept it, she still got it Snowy. It's her Teddy bear but she's gone. She's had for years and now it's kind of whitish, gray white. But for years it had these big black stains on it cause it was like in a bush. It was this disgusting thing. And I saw the opportunity to make money from my poor sister, my poor little sister, and sold it to her for five pounds. So, but she's still got it. Now she's got Snowy. So she's very lucky that I found that and sold it to her. Very industrious child I was and the other thing that she wanted to know once she wanted you to know is that one time when it was her birthday my other sister who's older than us, bought her some white musk perfume.
And so white musk perfume was from the body shop and it was just like we loved it. We were like, Oh my God, we love this white musk perfume. And so my sister bought Cath McAfee's, my youngest sister's name this white musk perfume. And I decided that I want it and so then I stole it from her. And obviously like we shared a room we went to the same school and everything and she's like where's my white musk? And I was just like, I don't know. But then she like, you smell like white musk, you have my white musk perfume. And I'm like, no, and we were at this bus stop going to school. And she's like, well, let me look in your bag. And I was like, no, you can't look in my bag. There's nothing there but you can't look. And at the end of the day I was like, you can look in my bag now. See there's nothing in there. And obviously it was like in my pokey or something. But then my oldest sister to buy my younger sister another bottle of white musk but eventually I gave it back. I was just so jealous. I was so jealous. Like, yeah. But my sister was no angel one time and she was mad at me. She made me a cup of tea and she took all the hair from hairbrush and put it in the bottom of the cup of tea. So ain't no angel either. Okay. It wasn't me that was just the massive knobhead.
Although I feel, I do feel like there's lots of stories of me being a knob. When I was young, I was younger. One time, so my mom would work and we would have to entertain ourselves. And so one Saturday we decided, this is where my I, my entrepreneurial spirit started when I was a kid. We decided, I decided, I said, let's have a fair in the back garden. And so like a fair, like you know, there's games and like we sell things like brick and back, brack and stuff. And so we're like, okay, well what are we going to sell? And we just went through the house and took all the stuff in the house, but it all out into the stuff that we decided that we didn't want. My mom's stuff. And then we made posters and bear in mind we lived in the really, really, really like if not the roughest neighborhood in the city that I grew up in Peterborough.
The second rough like really dangerous. And so when we put posters up everywhere with our address and come along and I employed neighborhood kids to run the the games and stuff and we were like, the whole neighborhood was just traipsing through our back garden, like buying my mom's stuff probably for like 20P and not that my mom had anything of value anyway. And then I went to meet her from work midway through the day and cause she worked until like one or 2:00 PM walking home. I went to mirror a wall at work and walking home and I was like, so it's pretty cool. We have like a fair going on in the garden. And she was like, what? And then she saw one, like one of the posters up somewhere and then she just ran home and she was like, get out, everyone want to get like a house ransacked.
And the money that I made that I made basically, the money that I stole from my mum from selling us stuff. I had to give it all away to the neighborhood kids that I'd employed because I wasn't very good with business at that point. So didn't end up making any money. But I guess when, you know, when kids are left to their own devices, I kind of do that kind of come up with shit like this, right. So anyway, that was a little fact about me being a knobhead child. I wasn't completely a knob head, but yeah.
All right. So, Hey, message me and let me know. What are you going to be doing for 2020? I love hearing from you about the podcast. So yeah, it makes my day when you say, Hey, I really liked that podcast, or Hey, you're so sexually attractive. I know. Oh my God. Yeah. But yeah, reach out. Say hi. And Oh Hey, the show notes for this episode is fiercefatty.com/012, cause we're episode 12, so show notes. And so if you want on social media Fierce Fatty, www.fiercefatty.com/012, you can find all the other episodes on that page, you know, there's falling pages. But wherever you're listening to it, all the other episodes anyways, I don't even know why don't you that. All right, so happy new year.
I hope this 2020 is going to be incredible for you. I will be going back to, I'm currently in Ireland, but in the first quarter I'm going to be going back to North America, to Vancouver, Canada, which is where I'm normally situated and I'm, yeah, I'm going to be finding an apartment there. Wish me luck because it's like a feeding frenzy for any type of apartment that's not like $5,000 a month or something. Yeah, but I'll be back in North North America in quarter one, and taking over the world for the rest of the quarters. So wanna join me be a part of the Fierce Fatty Revolution. You're welcome. Come along for the ride. All right, we'll have a wonderful rest of your day, Fierce Fatty, and I'll check you out in the next episode of the Fierce Fatty podcast. Goodbye.
EP11 Transcript
You're listening to episode 11 of the Fierce Fatty podcast. I am your host, Victoria Welsby. And in today's episode we're talking about fat shaming kids and how to not screw up the next generation. Let's do it.
You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm Victoria Welsby, TEDx speaker, best selling author, and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self-esteem to being a courageous and confident Fierce Fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living in a fat body is bad, but what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century. So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty Podcast. Let's begin.
Today, I'm going to be answering a listener question about fat shaming kids and that's what it has inspired today's episode. So if you would like to ask a question that can be answered on the show, yes, great idea. Do it. Then go to the show notes. The show notes for this episode is fiercefatty.com/011 cause it's episode 11. fiercefatty.com/011 and there will be a link there for you to submit a question and make sure it's a question that you know I can answer. So to do with fat stuff, to do with anti diet, to do with intuitive eating, to do with being fabulous and competent, not to do with like how to make a pavlova or something like that because I can't help you with that. I am not a cook or a chef or a pastry chef or any of the above.
So, and remember to leave a review for the for the podcast. Not only will you get a copy of my best selling book Fierce Fatty in digital and audio format, but you get loads of good karma and spreading the message that this podcast is needed. I mean, huh? Is that better than my book? Probably. No, it's not. My book is amazing. So before you submit your review for the podcast, just take a screenshot of it and email me at victoria@fiercefatty.com. With that screenshot and I'll just send you your book, easy peasy, lemon and lime. No muss, no fuss. You can do it. And every single person that does that gets a copy, no questions asked.
So, I get messages about the podcast and it's so nice to read the impact that this podcast is having on you already, even though I've only done this is the 11th episode so far. So if you're having a good experience and tell me, I just wanna read you an email that I got from Maya and Maya had listened to episode 10, which was the five reasons why you hate your fat body. And Maya said in capitals, loved with four owes this podcast, three exclamation marks. So love this podcast. Listen to it twice last night and realize I haven't reverted just my neural networks got a bit jammed with watching straight sized people in shows as I've wound down from work a little so more time for that bubblegum type stuff. Also coming up to festive family time is making me wobble a bit and the layers are feeling bad back a bit more. It's a bit raw rather than regression. I'm still on the fat body love train heading for radical change town. Going to share widely and spread the good news. I know your podcast will help so many if it can help stubborn old me in two lessons, crying, laughing face. Have a great day. Love, Maya.
So I love getting messages like that. It's so wonderful to hear the positive impact that this is this podcast might be having on you. So if you're having a good time or listening in then let me know. Email me at victoria@fiercefatty.com.
So one of the, I mentioned before to submit questions to the show and I've got a question from Dorney Bird and I'm gonna read this question out to you and then we're going to go through the answer, the options, what you can do. And this episode is not just for those who have children, it's for those who were ever a child and you can parent yourself now as an adult or if you're a younger person and repair maybe your experiences as a child to identify what is appropriate in regards to treating a fat person, how fat child, how to treat them. And also if you ever interact with children. So if you have any nibbling, nibbling is the gender neutral word for niece and nephew. So I have a nibbling that I spend a lot of time with. My two year old nephew Finley, I say nephew, I don't know what gender he has decided that he is yet, but he's my nibbling a two year old Finley. And so even though I don't have kids, I have an impact on children.
So here's a letter from, letter. Here's the question. Maybe it's an old fashioned, it's a letter. Let's say pretend I got a letter. I got a letter in the mail from Donnie Bird. Donny Bird says, how can we support our children who are living in bigger bodies? My daughter had a letter come from school that said her weight was disproportionate to her height. She is 14 and has great self esteem. I want to help her continue to love her talented, bright, funny self. Awesome. Thank you for sending in that question Donnie Bird. It sounds like if you're 14 year old has great self esteem, that's incredible already. Cause I remember when I was 14, I was just like, and I thought I was disgusting and horrible. So something must be going on right there. For your 14 year old to have a great self esteem.
So this question is really multi dimensional. The answer is and there's a lot of things going on here. So I'm going to give all of the the feedback in regards to say, if we can presume that Donnie's doing a great job already, but genuinely speaking for all people who were interacting with children, caregivers, aunts and uncles. And I wonder what's a gender neutral word for an aunt or uncle that must exist? Someone tell me. So I am not a parent. As I mentioned before, I don't know if I have, I'm going to be a parent who knows. I've always been on the fence of, I could go either way. I don't ever have like a pressing need for a child. I'm not in a relationship at the moment, but I found that when I'm in a relationship, I'm more leaning towards wanting a child.
But who knows, who knows? I always thought when I got to pass 30, I always said I would not have children until I was 13. I presumed when I got to 30, then I'd be like, Oh my God, I want kids. But that's not ever really happened for me. But I'm not anti kids either. I love kids. So my experience here is as being a fat child and dealing with and helping those who have survived a childhood of being a fat child. And honestly, a lot of the times people are really damaged by their childhood. Those who have marginalized bodies of messages that they have received growing up have things that they are navigating now to overcome. And so the messages that we're giving children and younger people are so important. I think it can really change their lives for the better or the worse. And so the way that we talk about fat is so important.
Yeah. I wonder if we were, there's a quote, what is it a parent who loves their body immunizes their child from low self esteem. That's a rough version of this quote that I remember. Basically I wonder how many less dollars would be spent on dieting and you know, shit your pants, teas and all that type of stuff. If the people who we're caretaking for us as we were growing up were just like, yeah, fats, fabulous bodies comes in all shapes and sizes. You know, I wonder what the world would have. The world will be different if that was the case. And not blaming parents because parents are just people, right? They're just people who happen to have kids. And so they are fallible and they make mistakes and they are doing their best. Sometimes they're not doing their best. And they live in diet culture just like we do and they have their own shit going on in their head too. So no blame here, no shame unless you're being complete nob to your kids or all kids in general. Don't do that. But on the whole, I think parents are doing the best in a world that heavily criticizes parents for not, you know, cutting their kids' sandwiches into the shape of dinosaurs and wearing high heels in the kitchen and, you know, taking their kids to 75 activities a day and things like that.
So moving in the direction of fat positivity is a wonderful goal to have. And even just recognizing the ways that you are interacting with your kid, interacting with others is very, very powerful. So I'm going to go over some ideas for you that could, could resonate and you can be like, Oh shit, yes I do that. Maybe I shouldn't do that around my child or children in general. So, and by the way, if I did have a kid hundred percent chance that I would hurt or damage the kid unintentionally in some way. And so we, because I'm human, right? And you're human. And so if you listen to the podcast, you've worked out, Oh shit, I've been abusive or I've been giving a negative message to my children or people around me. Just realize that you're a human being, right? There's not, I don't think it's possible for a child to go through childhood without big fucked up by their, their parents or their care caregivers in some way, right? I mean, it's not possible. So even if you're the most well-informed, well intentioned, perfect human being that doesn't exist, you're still gonna fuck up, right? So give yourself some grace with this stuff. So, first thing is working on your own shit. I mentioned before that we, most of us in the world live in a culture that is focused on dieting and believes that smaller bodies are better than bigger bodies. And we cannot help by be influenced by that. So I am fat phobic. We're all fat phobic, but it's the level of fat phobia that we have and we allow into our lives. And so my fat phobia, I still probably have fat phobia that's undiscovered, right?
And I'm like, Oh my God, I'm so good. I love fat people. There's probably somewhere still deep in the dark pits of my brain where I have negative thoughts and beliefs and biases against fat people and not just fat people or marginalized people identities. And but it's our jobs to try and discover what those beliefs and biases we hold. So you need to be working on that stuff because if you've lived in this society and you've never worked on it, you are being fat phobic in ways you probably don't realize. So you might be able to pick up how you're being fat phobic in the way that you are talking about human bodies. And so how are you talking about your body? Are you like, Oh my God. Oh wow, look at me. I'm so amazing. Look at my bum today. Oh, I'm so pretty. I'm so handsome. Oh my God. Oh yeah, I'm lovely or Oh, I'm worthy no matter what I look like. Or do you not make a thing about appearance or are you just like, Oh my God, my stomach is a bit flabby today and or I'm not gonna wear that because my legs have got sady light, or Oh, I've got bingo wings, or Oh, I don't have a six pack, or whatever it is. How do you talk about your own body? Is it positive? Is it neutral? Is it negative? How are you talking about other people? Are you like, Ooh, did you see Saundra? She's pawn some way, hasn't she? Even if you're not saying it to your kid and you're saying it, maybe you know, chatting on the phone to your friend or whatever. People around us pick on that stuff, pick up on that stuff, right? And they know that we have those judgments about other people's bodies or our own bodies. I know that with my mum and my dad actually, my dad never wanted to show his tummy. He had a big tummy. He actually had a hernia that made him have a big tummy. And so he wasn't actually a fat person, but he had this kind of beer belly. Maybe he had a baby as well because he was an alcoholic. But anyway, he had a fat tummy. And he was so self conscious about it. He was very, very, very self conscious about it. And I was talking to my aunt the other day, my dad died a couple of years ago and talked to my aunt earlier this year and she was saying that she's a nurse, that she would send him stuff from the hospital to make his stomach smaller, like girdles to try and make his stomach smaller.
And I never knew about any of this, but I did. I did know about him not liking his tummy. He'd always be like, Oh, it's not my fault that I have a big tummy and things like that. So what message was that giving to me as a kid? My mum would always talk about needing to be smaller and that she was the fat one in the family and she was too big and you need to be smaller to be worthy. Now my mum is a very slight woman. She's five foot two and she's not fat. And she's very straight size. And so growing up I saw her body and probably by the time I was 10, I was the same height as her. Now I'm five, seven. And so I was physically bigger than her and I was a child. And so if I looked at her body and then I looked on my body and her body wasn't okay, well then what did that mean about my body? So make sure that you're working on your own stuff, you're never going to be perfect. Things are going to come out your mouth that you're like, Oh my God, I can't believe I said that or thought that still even me, things will come out of my mouth and I'll be like, what the fuck, where did that come from Victoria? Hello bigots, right? And you just have to learn from it and do better.
So another thing that comes up for me is what parents do, what caretakers do is they try and prepare their children for the big bad world. And in one way that I was prepared for the big bad world was to be told that I needed to lose weight in order to be successful and do the things I wanted to do and to be loved. One such instance that I remember is, is watching their singer on telly and she was an opera singer and she was singing and I was, you know, dancing around the living room and trying to imitate this singer. And then I, at the end of the song, I was like, I'm going to be a singer when I grow up. And I remember my mum saying, Oh, you know, that's nice sort of thing, but you know, you can't be fat if you want to be a singer. Obviously she'd never seen all these fat opera singers. And I have in fact, I was watching an opera singer too, but she was like, Oh, you know, you, but you need to lose weight if you want to be a singer. And in that moment, I didn't think, Oh, you know, good idea. That's a really good piece of advice, you know, you're saying that because you love me and you want me to not be disappointed.
What I took from that was don't be ridiculous. Someone as ugly as you could never be a singer, you know, don't even think about it. And she was in that moment, she wasn't being trying to be mean as far as I'm aware. She was trying to protect me and help me. But it did the opposite. It was those types of messages and most of those negative messages I got from my body were from home, and they weren't necessarily always reflected in the world. And now we know there's loads of fat singers and you know, remember when pop Adelle started or America's got talent or whatever. And you remember that years and years ago, I don't know, maybe 20 years ago, 15 years ago. And it was very like you had to be between the ages of like 16 and 21 or something and you had to have the image and whatever. And then they started to loosen the restrictions on that. And now they have anyone in any shape of size and any age and whatnot because they realize that talent is talent no matter what package it comes in. And so luckily the world is changing for that type of stuff, but don't impose limitations on your child because you think you've made the assumption that they can't do it for whatever reason, right? Like even if there are limitations, even if they say, I want to be a skydiver and there is a weight limit on that who knows how technology is changing in five years. The weight limit could be higher, right. You know, so don't say, Hey, you can't do that because you're fat. Even if you're trying to protect them and I know it comes from a piece that place of love most of the time.
And even I hear a lot of stories about from clients that people, parents saying, you're not going to find a romantic partner if your fats and you need to lose weight in order to find a romantic partner. And that's not true, right? Yes. It might be harder because we live in a fast phobic society to find a mate if you don't adhere to the the beauty standard that we have decided upon as a society. But still it is realistic to say, even if I am fat or even if I'm really fat as hell, I am still worthy of a romantic partner and capable of finding a romantic partner who loves me for me, not because I, you know, weight 10 pounds less than I did, you know, a month ago or whatever, right.
Another thing to focus on is normalizing body diversity. So teaching them that it's okay to be fat. And I presume people do this already. I'm saying with a very high voice I think peopledo this. When I was on that show, Who were you calling fat? And I was doing the scene where I stood in Oxford City Center with a blindfold on with pens in my hands and I said, right on my body to support body positivity. A woman came up to me, now I don't know what age her kids were because I was blindfolded, but she said, thank you for doing this. Is important for me to show my kids that bodies come in all shapes and sizes and that your body is beautiful. And I was like, yes, yes, you do it. Amazing. This is great. Imagine if growing up, even for me, if I had seen that, if my mom has said, come on Victoria, let's go and write on this person's body because she's showing that body body diversity size diversity is important.
How that might have have affected me. And that could just be that one sentence that you say you could have a big impact, but it's something that needs to be continually spoken about. Saying that bodies do come in all shapes and sizes and that you can be healthy at any shape and size. And so talking about healthism as well as fat phobia, because they might say a lot, a lot of times I see people who are on the borderline of being fat positive who are like, absolutely it's important to show different types of bodies, but what about the health? And I'm like, Oh, you were so close and then you fucked it up. No. And so talking about health as well and about how healthism is totally fucked up and how we judge people's bodies by how healthy our and how fat people are presumed to be unhealthy and how it's how fat people are discriminated against when they go to the doctors and not given the correct treatments and things like that. And just making them aware that this stuff exists. And to say you're not more important as a person if you're healthy or, and you're not less important if you're unhealthy and size and health don't necessarily go in hand in hand. And so with body diversity, two things that you can do, say if you're a fat person and you have a fat child, you can normalize your body and show them your body without shame. So for example, my two year old nibbling Finley I will, I will often show him my tummy, not just randomly, like look at my tummy, but say if we, you know, if he's looking at his tummy or whatever. And the way that I talk about my tummy is if I lift my shirt, I'll say, Oh, look at my tummy. Isn't it soft and squishy? And so it's kind of, you know, I'm not saying, Oh, Oh look at so fat and horrible or something like that. I'm just showing, Oh, here's a different type of body because I'm the fattest person in my family. And what if your child says, Oh my God, look over there and I cut that fat person. How are you reacting when your child notices a fat person? Now, children, when they're younger, a lot of the times they'll just say, they'll just notice someone who is different and just say, Oh, that person is different. And they don't necessarily have judgment. Studies show, however, children are picking up judgment from an incredibly young age. Especially if they are not socialized with different types of people, they will then other those people, they will think that those people are less desirable as a playmate than those people that they are surrounded with. So if your kid is like whispering thing, look there's a fat person, don't be like, Oh, don't say that they're fat or don't, you know, don't make sure that you're not saying bad things about being fat saying, yeah, so that person isn't it nice to see different body types and encourage them to use these neutral descriptors of fat and fat is not a bad thing.
All right? A big thing is food. So the next point is talking about food and the way that you talk about food. So parents all up and down the world are actively teaching children not to trust their bodies and become disordered around food from a very young age because it's very well established parenting advice or the way that our parents have parented us. And we kinda just follow what we've learned, right? I know I've been doing that. Like when, when I'm hanging out with, with with Finley, I find myself saying things that my mum maybe said to me and I'm like, Oh my God, where did that come from? Oh my God, it's stored in the back of my head of how to be a good parent or how to parent and challenging that. But actually the way that we feed kids is, whoooo, super problematic.
So feeding babies, we trust our babies to say, Hey, I'm hungry, right? Babies normally cry when they're hungry and when they're full, they normally stop drinking milk, right? And the baby will say, ah, it's fucking two in the morning. I'm hungry. Give me some milk or it's 3 am. I don't care give me some milk. Oh, I only drank milk 20 minutes ago. I don't care. I'm hungry. Give me some milk. And we don't say to the baby, listen up here now baby. We don't eat path 7:00 PM. Okay. You ate half an hour ago and you're not due a feed for another hour. We just listened to the baby and be like, Oh my God. Well the baby's going through a growth spurt today. The baby is less hungry today and just needs to sleep more. All the baby really wants, you know, lots of milk or is feeding every two hours or is feeding every half an hour or whatever, right. My sister just had a baby or we could go 10 days ago. Whooo. Yes. So I'm just being reminded about all this stuff about babies and we're not like my baby is wrong because they stop eating when they've decided they're full, right. We're just like, they're full. But there's something that changes between the time that they are babies to turning into toddlers and we start trying to force them to do things the way that we want them to do things. Now Ellyn Satter, I'm going to link it in the show notes. Ellyn Satter is the boss when it comes to the all knowing food expert when it comes to feeding children and raising competent eaters. And so if you want to learn more about this stuff that I'm talking about, go to my show notes. But if you just want to, Google is ellynsatterinstitute.org.
Ellyn spelled E L L Y N, Satter -S A T T E R. ellynsatterinstitute.org. I am gonna link up to it. But think about the way that we are talking about food to kids. It's really obvious when someone shines a light on it. You're like, Oh yeah. Now I was never interested in learning how to teach kids to be an intuitive eater because I didn't have kids around me. But now that I have kids around me, I've become fascinated with this topic because it's just so, it's so interesting. It's so interesting and noticing how I'm an intuitive eater. I teach intuitive eating. Intuitive eating for children is different because they're not adults, right? And we have to take up some responsibility. And actually what Ellyn Satter teaches is the division of responsibility. So basically in a nutshell, the division of responsibility is that at from a toddler onwards, adults are responsible for what children eat when and where.
So what, when and where a child is fed and the child is responsible for whether they eat at all. And how much, so think about the ways that traditionally, and this is, everyone does this, so don't feel bad if you're doing this because everyone does this. Saying one more bite, eat greens. If you eat up your dinner, then you can have some dessert. Oh, you're such a good child for eating up all your plate. If you don't eat your dinner, then you're gonna go hungry. Or if you don't eat your dinner, then we're going to give it to the kids down the road. Now what are these teaching children now. If you encourage kids to eat certain foods and discourage them from eating other foods, what do they learn about those foods? Well, what I learned is growing up that chocolate and crisps are bad or chips as you say, North America.
They are bad, they are restricted and I am naughty when I eat them or only get them if I've been good, I have to meet certain criteria to get them like eat something which is yucky and what is yucky things that we have told, been told that we have to eat our vegetables. Right now children do have an aversion to green vegetables or other vegetables because their palette actually picks up bitter tastes more than an adult's palette. And so they don't, they taste different from how we taste them. And so they have to be taught to enjoy them and to teach them to enjoy them is to not pressurize them to eat them. It's just to expose them to them. And so some parents even do things like force feeding their kids these foods and mean like, Holy shit is that, that's not traumatized new kids.
Then I was watching an episode of that show, what's it called? Super Nanny and these parents were like, blending the meals up and like force feeding their four year old kids like blended food. And the kids were screaming and stuff and the parents were like, Oh my God, we can't get them to we and you know, must have been really frustrating for them. But the kids also were probably being like, fuck this, we're not eating this food because it's, you know, it's scary and horrible. And growing up I remember my dad was very forceful. My mom was very soft, you know, would let us get away with anything type of thing. And my dad was the absolute opposite and my dad wanted us to, what it mean to eat brussels sprouts because he loved brussel sprouts. And I remember him being like, I know that you'll love them if you just try them.
And I was just like, I don't want to try them. They're yucky. And obviously I'd never tried them, so I didn't know. And I remember him saying, come on, try one, try one. And I ran away and he brought me back and sat me down and he forced the brussel sprout into my mouth. And I remember throwing up and my mom saying, Oh, leave her alone now. And so that was my reaction to Brussels sprouts. Now it took me years and years and years to try brussel sprouts again because I had a traumatizing experience around Brussels sprouts being force fed, a brussel sprout. And so I was encouraged to eat these vegetables and stuff, but I knew that I quote unquote knew they must be horrible if my parents are being like, eat that, eat that, don't eat too much of that.
I remember when one day a pancake day, it's a big day in the UK. It's to do with Easter and you make pancakes and the proper pancakes, not like North American pancakes. They like what a North American would call a crepe. Anyway, so pancake day, exciting day, make pancakes after dinner with some lemon and sugar. Amazing. I remember my dad making pancakes and I remember I had one and then I ran upstairs and he said, Oh, do you want another one, Victoria? And I was like, yeah, or a one, a hundred. And he very angry. He said, no, you're not having a hundred. Clearly, I was joking, but I probably did want a hundred, but you know would he have said that if he was making brussel sprouts, if I said I want a hundred brussels sprouts, he wouldn't say, no, you're not having a hundred. He'd just laugh and be like, Oh, you can have all the Brussels sprouts you want. But in that moment, I was taught pancakes are bad. You can't have too many pancakes. And what did that make me want more pancakes? Because I was taught that they were these delicious, naughty, devilish things that I shouldn't have. And so with all these kind of mixed messages as I got as a kid, I started binge-eating I started sneaking food being very secretive. And basically developed an undiagnosed eating disorder. And now this is not the case for everyone. And I think my case was a little bit more extreme than the average household. But just think about the way that you're talking about food anything where you are. Even if you're positively encouraging your child to eat certain foods like well done for eating your vegetables. The child picks up on it. Kids are smarter than we realize that the child picks up. Even if it's positive encouragement, you are still delivering a message that that food is good and this food is bad and you're naughty if you have too much of that. And that food is disgusting because we want you to eat it.
So Ellyn Satter is the boss when it comes to this type of stuff. And remember it's like division of responsibilities. Adults are in charge from the age of they're a toddler up what, when, and where the child is fed and the child is responsible for whether they eat and how much they eat. And so if they want more, they can have more. If they don't want any, they don't have to have any. So that's a whole, that's a whole deep subject. But it's a big is a big thing around fat kids as well because fat kids, how often a fat kids put on fucking diets told all, don't you do this, don't you do that?
And it's very judgy and shaming and the way that we approach food and food education is very shaming now. I'm not saying don't talk to your kids about food, but you can make it fun and interesting and nonjudgmental, right? And there's ways to do this. Like, Oh, by the way, if you eat this, it makes your tummy feel full. And if you eat this, it makes you be able to run longer or whatever. Right? And if you eat this, it makes your brain happy. And so there's not judgements. Okay. so next is important to talk about fat phobia and body politics and talking about how we want to make the decision to not give in to the bullies. Because the current narrative we have around fat bodies is the world says that fat bodies is bad. And so the answer to that is to not change the world is to change our bodies.
And so it's like saying there's a bully in the playground and the bully says, gimme your lunch money. And instead of saying to the bully, Hey, stop bullying people and taking their money, it's saying, just give them your money. Just give them the money and they'll go away. Well, that's not the answer, right? So talking to kids about how the world is biased and fucked up and that we shouldn't be giving into these narratives about what is an okay body and talking about how as they grow older they're going to become more exposed to these ideas, especially as a teenager. And it's normal for them to look at their body and think that it's not okay. But what is really happening there is that they are being brainwashed by media and by society into thinking that their body is not okay, but their body is absolutely fine.
And on that, on that as well as is I presume that parents do this anyway, but saying that it's okay. It's not okay to judge people. From the, you know, external appearance. I really have such faith in the future generations. I think it was last podcast I mentioned that I was an adjunct professor for a few years and the students that I taught, I was just like, fuck man, you're so savvy when it comes to social justice and these types of things compare to when I was in school. And so I know that it's getting way better, but it's really important for it to come from home as well about not judging anyone by their parents, even if that person is a massive decade. So here's an example, Donald Trump, a lot of people will make fun of Donald Trump because he's fat. That's not okay. Donald Trump make fun of Donald Trump because he's a wanker because he's a bigger, because he's racist and sexist and an abuser and all of the things that you know, there's so much that you can go on Donald Trump and being fat is not one of his flaws. It's not one of his flaws. He has many hundreds of them being fat is not one of them. And so even someone like Donald Trump who is the biggest balland around, we cannot make fun of his hair, his body size, the size of his penis, the presumed size of his penis as transphobic as well because it's a confusing message. Also. It's okay to make fun of someone for their body size if they're a bad person. Well, I don't like that person over there because they were mean to my friend when it's okay to make fun of them. Is it okay to make fun of me? Because sometimes I'm a bad person, you know, it's confusing, right? So we just don't make fun of people for their body size ever. Or for anything to do with their parents really. And I know that can be really tough because it's a part of our language and it can be a way that we bond with other people by being like, Oh my God, did you see blah, blah, blah. And it can be a way yet to bond and it can be hard to stop that behavior, but notice that and, and try not to do it.
So I mentioned this briefly, but I want to state this very clearly. Do not ever put them on a diet. No. And don't tie it around them. What behaviors are they learning when they see you? Diets only negative ones. And even if the doctor says all that your child needs to go on a diets, no, no, no. If you're unsure about why that's important. Go back to..I think it was episode two or three where I talked about why diets are fucked and so you are actively harming a child. If you put them on a diet really big, seriously, you are actively harming them. And it's just so fucked up. And there's so many stories I've heard about kids being put on diets and how it destroyed them, gave them an eating disorder, gave them a terrible low self esteem, all sorts of bananas stuff. So don't put them on a diet. Even if even if it's like, well, it's not a diet. I'm just going to make them eat vegetables and I'm just going to, you know, one of these like it's not a diet, but they can only have 500 calories or whatever. It's a diet.
Another thing to do is to make sure that they know that they are worthy no matter what they look like or what they do because we all lie. Everyone is worthy as a human being. No matter what, no matter what you do, what you look like, anything. I personally always for years and years and years believe deep down, I knew that I would be more loved by my mom if I was thinner. I just knew it. I knew it. I knew that she would finally embrace me and be like, Oh my God, Victoria, you've been hiding in that fat suit for years and now you're thin and I love you, and I'm proud of you. And one time when I did get straight size, I remember coming home to Ireland and to spring, like I've arrived on my God and one of my aunt's seeing me and one of my aunts who's super, super, super, super fat phobic and she was like, Oh my God, Victoria, keep up the hard work. This is so incredible. I'm so proud of you. She's never spoken to me like that before or since because obviously I put on the way and more. But the truth is I actually wasn't loved more. My mom at the time who was more steeped in fatphobia then was probably very proud of me. That is true. But she's now way more proud of all of the other awesome shit that I've done in my life. And even if I had never done any ocean shit, I would still be worthy as a human being.
And I never knew that I do now because I found out myself. But passing on that message that even if they are the opposite of what is desired by our society, they are still a worthy human being. So in that letter that Donnie Bird sentence, there was a letter that came home from school saying the child's height and weight was disproportionate. Now this is a really important point here. If I was that parent, because I do this for a job and I'm very confident about this and the facts and figures and all that type of stuff. So I don't expect everyone to do this. But I would, I would take that as a big threat to my child's happiness, self-esteem mental health. And I would make a meeting or I don't know how you'd communicate with the school, call them, email them, go in and kicked down the principal's door and talk about why that is deeply problematic and talk about how you never want to see anything like that. Come home with your child again. How you do not want any of that fat phobic shit around your child. How you take this very seriously, why this is fucked up. Hopefully your child didn't see that letter. Oh my God, well they must have because they must have been weighed or something. Like there must've been some thing going on in school. Like I would just shit with anger. I would just do a poo with anger. I'd poo on the principal's desk in anger if that happened.
And so my next point is to protect them from adults who are fat phobic. And so those adults could be adults who were in positions of authority, like teachers, like doctors. It's, it's really not okay. No matter who it comes from, for people to say your body is wrong, especially a child who is at 14. When you're 14, and you're like, Oh my God, you're all over the place and do people like me. Am I okay? And Oh my God, no, you're too fat. Oh, my other laugh from school. Who? Shit, man, that would, Ooh, I thank God that nothing like that ever happened to me because, Oh Lord, I can't just, Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. But it's happening all over the world, right. And luckily Donnie Bird is no knows that it's bullshit. Well, I'm presuming and knows that this is not okay, but a lot of parents would probably be saying like, Oh, well, you know, this is not good. You're too fat. You need to lose weight. And that could be the start of an eating disorder. It could be the start of years of body dysmorphia or it could be the start. Who knows what it could, you know, at least it could be the start of them not being able to trust you to not shame them, you know?
So yeah, I would be making sure that I stand up to anyone. And that goes for yourself too. You know, advocating for yourself. But if your child sees you advocating for them in about their weight and they are a fat child, how much confidence is it going to give them to be able to advocate for themselves when they're an adult? Be amazing. It'd be amazing. And now I know that's hard, right? It's hard. It's hard to stand up to people in positions of authority. But if you do your research, if nothing, read 'em health at every size by Dr. Linda Bacon. Tons of research in there about why dieting is fucked up and how to how to navigate the world. In regards to science, if you want to be healthy as someone living in a bigger body. And so you can give people information from that.
Another thing is don't shame them for wearing clothes that you think are too tight or not appropriate for a fat child. And so if you, if a straight size child was to wear the same outfit as a fat child, but then you say to that fat child, mm, that's not appropriate, that's fat phobic. If your child is comfortable wearing whatever they're wearing, then let them do it, right? We are the ones who tell children all know you need to hide that belly or you need to hide that muffin top of where you need to. Oh, no, that's insightly. And so if they're comfortable wearing whatever, because the time is, you know, times are changing and fat people are more and more allowed to show their bodies, don't preemptively remember we spoke about a point before. Tell them or people are gonna make fun of you because you could be the only one making fun of them.
You know, they could be surrounded by people who think they're fabulous and they could be dressing like their role models, like Lizzo with them. Maybe not if they're going to school with a Tee shirt with the whole cutout in the bum with a thong and fishnet. It's maybe there might not be ever ivory up, you know, if they're going to school like that. But you know, think about how would you, how would you judge a thin child, a straight sized child versus this fat child. Are you putting different standards on this fat child? Eh, maybe you shouldn't. Another thing is with fat kids, we want to be able to like, well, they are so lazy. They just, all they do is mom, whatever, making assumptions. And so movement exercise can be a massive source of trauma for for fat kits for any kid really.
And the way that we are being introduced to different types of exercise is negative. And so don't bully them, cajole them, guilt them into moving their body. Now, I didn't realize that when I was a kid, I moved my body. I thought that I was this lazy, you know, couldn't do anything type person because when I did move my body, it was in ways that it wasn't a big deal. So we were very poor growing up and we would ride, ride on bikes everywhere. So my mom, me and my sister we would ride up bikes to do the weekly shopping. If I think about it now, I'm like, Oh my God. Like we would have tons of carrier bags on the side of our, you know, on the handlebars of all bikes and riding home. My mum, she'd carry the most obviously, and she'd have like 57,000 carrier bags filled with groceries on her bike.
And you know, cycling not as short distance quite, you know, through a few neighborhoods, probably a half an hour cycle. And so we were on our bikes all the time. It was our method of transport. And we'd be, I'd be around the neighborhood on my bike. I thought that my bike was a horse. I would put a skipping rope on the handlebars of my bike and I'd lean back into my seat and I'd steer my bike with the skipping rope. Like I was like staring a horse and a yeah, that caught on in the neighborhoods. I'm proud to say. Yes. So I was on my bike all the time. If I wasn't on my bike, I was on my roller skates because it was fun and I'd be roller skating everywhere and even more roller skates to church and things like that because those activities weren't forced on me. It was just a mode of transport. It was a just a way to have fun and so I was active all day. You know, like in the summer I'd be out all day on my bike on roller skates. Now when activity was forced upon me, so like in school every year we had to run the 1500 meter, I think it was about three, I think that's about three quarters of a mile and everyone would be like, it's a 1500 a day. We're doing it at 1500 and it'd be like sprung on us almost because everyone dreaded this. Like we had no training in regards to how to run. It would just be once a year. Everyone had to run around the track. I think it was like three in a quarter round the track of one of them and he would be so traumatizing and all the slow kids would just be like, Oh my God, this is the worst day.
And people would try and get out of it and you would dread it and it'd be the worst. And so then I presumed that running was the only valid form of exercise because it was this thing that was pushed on me. And so when I as a, as a child wanted to lose weight and put myself on on diets, I would run up and down the corridor in my house at like hundred lap intervals and run around the neighborhood. Now this was really fucking unsafe running around the neighborhood at night. Like I lived in a counselor state and I could so dangerous, really, really dangerous. But I thought that that's what exercise was because it was a, it was a thing that was not enjoyable, not realizing that I was already exercising a ton. And so what activities do you think came with me into childhood?
Into adulthood? Not rollerskating. I do have, although I do have a pair of roller skates, but I love biking. It's just something I love doing. I don't see it as this thing to punish my body. I just see it as something to have fun to explore neighborhoods to get around and you know, freedom because that's what it represented to me as a child. Now, whenever I'd be trying to get fit as an adult, I wouldn't be doing biking because that was fun. And I enjoyed it. I would be doing running and doing it to the extreme running. I remember running on this day, there was like so much snow and ice and I remember running in my neighborhood where I could have easily slipped and died or whatever. And it was night time too, and taken a picture of the terrible conditions and putting it on social media being like, I'm so dedicated to being fit that I run in any conditions and people being like, good for you. And I was like, yeah, look at you lazy people not running when you could die. And so that was what the messages that I got about exercise. So what messages are you giving your children? You need to be moving your body. You need to be exercising. You need to be on that treadmill. Or are you just being like, Oh, let's just go and explore this neighborhood on our bikes or let's go and splash in the pool today, or whatever. Movement in life. If you are interested in being healthy now, you don't have to be interested in being healthy. But movement is one of the things that can contribute towards making people feel better and is one of the things that you can do to improve your health. Although it doesn't have a massive impact. It's something that we can control some of the times, well, most of what's going on with our health is it's genetics is where we live. It's who we are, et cetera, et cetera. Anyway, so, but health is something movement is something that we can sometimes have control over. So don't give your kids the experience of being forced or being told that they have to. Louise Green, one of my friends, Louise Green, she's also known as big fit girl. Amazing. She's got an app that's just come out with a Big Fit Girl app. And so if you're, if you're fat or whatever size you are and you want to do exercises with body positive stuff, get her up. But anyway, I digress. She tells me a lot of her clients, they are coming back to exercise as adults because they were so traumatized as children because they were forced to do stuff that they, they were scared off for for decades. And it's only years later that they're gently trying to reintroduce themselves to exercise cause they know that it makes them feel good or whatever it is.
They want to have more strength or flexibility or whatever. So if you want your child to be moving, move with them. Do movement where it's just, you just go in for a walk or whatever and don't make a big thing about it. Just don't make a thing. Just, just, just be a normal person. You know, a big thing, this goes out to adults as well as children. But a key thing to why humans think that body is not good is because we see messages that tell us that our body is not good. This is what a body should look like. The way that we received those messages is through media, through the films we watch the TV, the adverts that we see, the magazines that we read, the books that we read that have descriptions of fat people as bad and thin people as good.
So what media are they consuming? Even as, so my two year old nibbling Finley, I'm watching these cartoons that he's watching and Cocomelon and baby boomer nuts that fucking, Oh, watch and watch the same fucking thing over and over, anyway. And there's like, they have songs on there and one of the songs is like, Oh, the parents are sneaking at night and eating sugar. And then the other parent catches the one parent saying, what are you eating? Or I'm eating sugar and I'm just like, this is fucking, you're teaching the kids that sugar is bad and Oh my God. And there's other ones being like, Oh, you have to eat vegetables and things like that. And I'm just like, no, the wrong message. Anyway. so are they watching a ton of stuff like that? Oh, as they growing up, are they watching a ton of stuff where they have just thin white people in it? And what are they learning? Now a lot of times you might not be able to say, don't ever watch that. You can't watch that because there's no fat people in it. Well, you know, that's not probably not realistic, right? But you can be talking to them about it and being like, Oh wow, isn't that interesting? That only seems to be thin people in this show. Wouldn't it be cool if they had some characters in there who were a little bit more diverse or introducing them to different shows where there is more diversity or giving them books that has more diversity.
So Fluffy Kitten Party wrote a blog about this topic. I'm going to link to it in the show notes. And in that blog there is a list that Fluffy Kitten Party has curated of fat post body and fat and body positive books for kids. There's a list of lists. So there's probably hundreds of books to find. And so you can counteract those messages that kids and young adults are getting. By giving them the things which will fill their media with more variety so they're not just seeing thin white people being represented and being the only ones who were, who fall in love and get the guy and are athletes and et cetera, et cetera.
Another thing, so this the last point is don't force your kids to spend time with fat phobic or diet culture obsessed people. And if they are exposed to those types of people, then talk to them about why that's bullshit and why that's problematic, right? So if your, you know, your kids are going around your, your parents' house and so they seen the grandparents and the grandparents are like, Oh, you must need that. Oh, aren't you fat? And all things like that. Then a lot of the hard work you're doing at home is going to be potentially undone by spending just a couple of hours with these people, especially if they're people that your child loves, then those words are more impactful and more normalized when they're saying, Oh, you know, you mustn't eat that or whatever it is. So maybe your parents are great, but apart from that, well, can you talk to your parents and be like, listen, we don't talk about that in our house, so can you not or if you're not able to do that for whatever reason, saying to your kid, by the way, your granddad and grandma talk about this, but we think that that's not right because of this. But you know, just to be aware of it, you don't have to do XYZ and your body is fine and all that type of stuff.
Obviously the better thing would be to get them to stop behaving like that. But say if it's just, you know, a random person, you meet at a party and your kids are there and they're like, Oh, I'm so fat and ugly, or whatever talking to your kids afterwards about how that's kind of interesting how that person talks like that and just having a conversation with them about it. So that is a lot of information. I'm losing my voice actually, after all that information and I've gone, this is the longest podcast I've ever done. Oh my gosh. But I have a lot to say about the topic. And by the way, just a reminder that if you are around kids, you're gonna mess them up in some way. Obviously we'd try not to. We're not actively, unless we're bad people. We're not trying to mess them up, but we all slip up and kids are hard. Now, I'm just an auntie and I look after my nibbling and I'm like, wow, this is so hard. I can. So see why you can't always be doing the best and doing all these things all the times. And sometimes you're tired and you're just like, just eat the food and just be quiet or whatever. So give yourself grace and you don't have to be the perfect parent because that is not possible. You can just be moving in the direction of enlightening yourself and trying not to be doing harm. And at times when you have the capacity to do more extraordinary things like standing up for them and saying excuse me, school, that letter is really fucked up and this is why it's fucked up.
And I'm taking them to see fat positive movies and Oh, like, Oh, that's a bit old. I was going to say, Oh, you should go and see party cakes or something. But I think that's for like, it's like an 18 or something. So maybe if you have older kids yeah. So give yourself grace and Donnie Bird, thank you so much for writing that you clearly love your daughter massively. Which is wonderful and it's admirable for you to have asked that question because it shows how much you care about your kid and other fat kids. And it's really a beautiful, beautiful thing. So thank you so much.
So, and little fact about me cause I like Sharon facts. I like talking about myself, just myself. Its all about me obviously. Talking about films cause you know, I like films. I really like films. The last film that I watched was so fucking good. I try to watch more diverse mm not fat shamming films, not always possible. But I watched a really good film last night called Call Me by your Name. It was on Netflix out in 2007 it gets 95% on rotten tomatoes. So it's not just me that thinks it's good film critics too as well. So it's directed by Luca Guadagnino. He's an Italian filmmaker. He's gay and this is a film about to like a coming of age film, a younger boy, man. And an older guy they're not gay, but they kind of discover their sexuality through a hot, steamy summer in Italy. And it is gorgeous. So it stars Armie Hammer. He is, you would recognize him, like I know you'd recognize him from social network.
So remember the two twins the rowing twins who originally started Facebook and then Mark Zuckerberg allegedly stole it off them. Well, he plays those two twins. So he's the older guy and then Timothée Chalamet, he's like a rising star actor, plays a younger guy and it's really fucking steamy at one point Timothée fucks a peach. So it's brilliant. So have you want to see some peach fucking and some beautiful, its beautiful. It made me cry. It was so, Oh really good. Well, you can just read the novel. So originally a novel by Andre Ackman. So definitely worth a watch. Call me by your name. Call me by your name. I've been on a stint of wanting to watch films that I wouldn't necessarily, like if someone described this film to me, I'd probably be like, yeah, yeah, I'll put it on my list. But then, you know, just watch Bridesmaids again. You know, but I've been watching, I've been in a setting of just looking at the films that are our award winners and just watching them without reading the synopsis and, you know, dick convincing myself there'll be rubbish because it's not right. I'm saying anyway, you might think it is rubbish. This is my opinion.
So yeah. So thanks for hanging out with me today on this episode 11 reminder to leave me a review. If you got any aha moments in this episode and share on social media that you're listening. I will enter you to win a Fierce Fatty cup that you can drink hot liquid out of, cold liquid out of, you can put food in it. You could put, I don't know, jewels in it. You could wear it as a hat. You could put your foot in it and where it was a shoe might be a bit small, but you can do anything with them. Multi-Use cup for yah. You'll get in a draw if you share on social media that you're listening to his Fierce Fatty podcast. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for all your emails and messages and reviews about the show. I appreciate you more than you know. And thanks for your questions that are coming in. I'm looking at them and I'm fitting them into the podcast schedule. And so you might not get your question answered immediately, but it's on my list. So don't you worry, don't you worry. All right. Okay. Thanks for hanging out with me today and I will see you on the next episode of the Fierce Fatty podcast. Goodbye.
EP10 Transcript
Hello and welcome to episode ten of the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm your host, Victoria "Sexy" Welsby. And in today's episode, we are talking about why I use the word fat and not the O words, and the O words being overweight in quotation marks and obese in quotation marks. Let's do it.
You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm Victoria Welsby, TEDx speaker, best-selling author, and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self-esteem to being a courageous and confident Fierce Fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living in a fat body is bad, but what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century. So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty Podcast. Let's begin.
Y'all, it's so cold today. I'm recording this the beginning of December. It's going to be going out in the next week or so. And I'm freezing. I'm actually in a loft at the moment. And so if you hear wind noises, it's really noisy in here. The wind is hitting the roof and it sounds really cozy, but if you hear some kind of sounds like, I don't know, wind I guess. Well that's what wind sounds like. It sounds like wind then it's the weather. And I've tried to wait to see if the wind will die down before recording the episode, but I don't think it will. So yeah.
Hey, Apple podcasts is really fucking annoying. You lot are leaving me some gorgeous reviews and you're telling me about it. Because if you tell me about it, you get a copy of my book, you get a digital copy and you get an audio copy and people emailing me, giving me that gorgeous reviews and they're not showing up on iTunes. There's only three reviews on iTunes and I've had a lot more than three, so it's getting on my big fat tits. But that's Apple podcasts, I keep saying iTunes but it's Apple podcast saved difference. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah. So I wanted to read one out today, one of the three that have appeared on Apple podcasts. Maybe some time in 2025 the new ones will. That's why I say take a screenshot before you submit your review because if you press submit and then try and take a screenshot when it appears you'll be waiting until you're dead. So if you want to get a free copy of my book, the digital and audio version, then screenshot it and then send it to me victoria@fiercefatty.com.
Here is review from Miche 1971 and Miche says, "A must listen podcast five stars. Obviously, this is a podcast you need. If you want to say F you to anyone who makes you feel like bad for living in a bigger body. I've spent a little over a year with Victoria listening to her coaching and learning so much about diet culture and how it's a tool to make us feel so horrible about ourselves and keep us small. So we'll buy into the idea that our bodies are bad and we should try to be smaller no matter how exhausted it makes us, no matter how many times we fail a diet. I highly recommend listening to this podcast. Thank you, Miche 1971! Gorgeous, gorgeous review. I love it. Thank you. Thank you all for tuning in and listening and being here. And even if you haven't written a review yet, I appreciate you because you're here on this fierce fatty wave, journey, hot balloon, whatever you want to call it. And that's pretty amazing.
So bonus points, you also get my book if you, you get my book, if you write review and tell me about it. But if you share on social media, I'm going to enter you in a draw to win a Fierce Fatty mug, which is amazing. Make sure you tag me and make sure for the wall that you want to tag me, that your profile is public. If it's not public, I can't see it. Yeah, and you could win a mug. Oh my God. Amazing. And if you want them to show notes to today's episode, it's fiercefatty.com/010 for episode 10. So fiercefatty.com/010. There is a link there so if you want to ask me a question and I will answer the question on the show, there's a link there for you to do just that. And it's really simple. It just goes to a form that says, what's your question? And you want to share your name or not and you can, if you don't, if you want to, if you don't have to, you don't want to.
Yeah. So today we're talking about the word fat and why I use the word fat and not the any other words? I do use other words. We can talk about those but I like fats. Obviously, it's this, you know, my brand is Fierce Fatty Podcast, Fierce Fatty, my books, Fierce Fatty and I like being fat. But a lot of people when they hear that word, it can be really jarring and shocking and people are like, Oh, don't say you're fat, you're not fat. You're beautiful, pretty sure I am both motherfucker. They mean well, right, but so it can be jarring for most people actually because we have learned that the word fat is an insult, is one of the worst things that you can be as a human being.
And to call someone fat, you might as well be calling them the C word. You might as well be calling them, you know, a kitten killer or you know, something really bad. And so that word, it's kind of like, Oh no, don't say that about someone because we think fat is bad. And so people don't want to use the word fat because we know fat is bad as a society that's what we've been, we've been taught. And so someone who is kind and considerate, we'll be like, okay, well I don't want to use the word fat because that's such a horrible word to use. This is their opinion, not my opinion, but this is how I used to think. And so instead I'm going to use the quote unquote correct words to you and what are the correct was to use. Well, the words to use our words that we use in medicine, right?
That makes sense, right. You know, we're going to use the correct words and be politically correct about it. And so people then will use the words normal, overweight, obese, morbidly obese, et cetera, et cetera. And even me just saying those words, I'm like, ughhh shut up and this is really problematic and I'm going to explain why. And so if you've not heard about the BMI scale and what a load of fucking bullshit it is, get ready to be like, what the fuck? And, to never potentially want to use the O words ever again. So the BMI scale is a measurement that we use to determine someone's health status, right? So in case you don't know, it's basically, it's a simple formula. So it's a number that is generated by dividing someone's weight by their height squared and multiply in that result by 703.
Guess, when this thing was invented 10 years ago, 20 years ago, 30, 40, 50, try. Almost 200 years ago. What do we use in medicine that hasn't been improved upon in 200 years? Probably not a lot of things, right? So the BMI was created, body mass index was created in the 1830s by a mathematician, statistician, astronomer, sociologist. This person had a lot of feathers in that hat. Is that the right way to say it? They were smart, but they weren't a doctor. The name is Lambert Adolphe Jacques Quetelet? Quetelet! Sure, Quetelet. Adolphe Jacques Quetelet, Belgian person. So Lambert, let's call him Lambert. Lambert, got old Lambert. Lambert wanted to study populations to see how to categorize populations. And so he took white European men and looked at their sizes on average. Remember this is 200 years ago and it's just what European men that he studied and he put categories on these people.
And now he said, this should never be used to measure the individual or to be used to measure health. This is not what the BMI scale is. So fast forward, hundreds of years, not hundreds, 200 years, roughly 150 years. You can tell I'm great at Math. Who knows how many years, I can't do her Math. But in more recent times, the scale has been adopted as a way to determine someone's health status and the categories of what makes someone quote unquote overweight or normal weight or any of the other weight labels that are out there. Arbitrary numbers. At one point, it was lowered because it was 27 for someone to be classes overweight and it was lower to 25 for the reason of, it's just easier to remember. It's like, it's so messed up. In 1998, the World Health Organization lowered these categories of what is considered fat and what not.
And the committee who changed it consisted of people who would directly linked to diet companies, weight watchers or diet pill pharmaceutical companies. Now, if that is not a conflict of interest, I don't know what is, and so overnight, 29 million people went from being a normal weight to being overweight just because, huh? Do we fancy 29 million new customers? Huh? Well, we can get 29 million new customers if we just lower the thresholds. Pretty smart, right? What it is small for them who wants to make money, but he's not actually helpful for human beings. Now the BMI is used in the States, in North America, in places that have, you know, rely heavily on insurance or medical insurance now in the UK. So he really kind of rich people that will have insurance because we have the NHS, Natural Health Service. And so now insurance companies will want to know your BMI because guess what they can do, charge you more money if you're fat. Even when I remember completing a mortgage application and they want you to know my height and weight, and I was like, well, why does a mortgage company need to know my height and weight what it was for insurance, right? And I don't even know, like I got my house, I got a mortgage when I was in my early twenties, and what if I was like, class does very, very fat that wouldn't have been denied a mortgage. I don't know the answer to that, but it's just made me think, I just realized that. So many experts agree that the BMI is pretty unscientific and doesn't really tell us much of anything. It definitely doesn't tell us someone's health status. There's loads of things that you might see like, Oh, Brad Pitt is actually classed as obese and Jason Mamoa is morbidly obese.
So I don't know I'm making that one up. But you know, he probably is because it doesn't tell us how much fat is on someone's body and even if you know versus muscle. But even if you know that the amount of fat on someone's body doesn't indicate health either it's just, it's not showing us much of anything. They are some instances where the BMI is useful. An example of that is medicine dosage or say if you're going to have an anesthesia, they need to know your BMI so they're not like giving you too much and you die or whatever. You're not getting enough and Oh my God, what a horror film. Imagine waking up in surgery. No, that's always been my fear. I'm actually, you know, when I had surgery when I was a kid on my teeth, one of my tooth was growing. My canine was, I think my canine was growing up instead of down or something like that. Anyway, and so I had surgery when I was a kid. You know what my biggest fear was? I was about, let's say I was about 10 or 11. Then my biggest fear before I went into surgery, it was that I obviously didn't understand. I didn't understand what I was going to go on, that I was going to start humping the the table. While having surgery that I was going to somehow go from being on my back, so on the stomach or my stomach and start humping the surgery table and the surgeons were going to have to like strap me down because I was some out of control sex child that I seriously thought that that's what was going to happen. I remember waking up from surgery and being like, Oh my God, they probably all saw me humping the table even though I was totally unconscious.
And like, why would that happen? What is wrong with, what is going on with my brain as a kid? Anyway, so okay. So that's BMI and so that's where we get those words from normal weight, underweight, overweight. And so let me go into more about the words, those words. So, I call them the O words because I don't even like saying overweight and obese in the body positive community, in the fat positive community those weight, those words are seen as slurs now. And people don't actually write them out. They put them in quotation marks or they put asterisks or stars in the word. And so that it's not written out because it can be really difficult for people to read and see or even to hear. And if you think, Oh my God, a slur, that seems extreme and let me tell you what a slur is. And slur according to Merriam Webster dictionary is an insulting or disparaging remark or innuendo, a shaming or degrading effect.
Let me explain how these words are shaming and degrading, disparaging and insulting. So that you can be like, Oh shit. Yes they are slurs. Oh my God, I didn't realize. So what does the word overweight,sound like? Like what does that mean? Well, it means the past and is over the weight that a human being should be. Now what weight should a human being be? All sorts of weights, right? You know, there's no one weight that, okay, the perfect human being weighs this much, is this tall, has this color hair, has this color eyes, has this kind of skin, that fee is this size. The nails look like this, their belly button is an innie or an outie that air logs are attached or not there can curl their tongue. Who knows? Because we're all so different. You know, it's just in the animal kingdom. There's no one way or size a dog is or you know, any other animals. You know, cat is not like, okay, this is the weight. You know, all donkeys weigh this much. The tails are this long. And if there, if the tail is longer or if they have shorter legs or whatever, then they are not a good donkey, right? It just, it, you know, human beings come in all sorts of sizes and shapes and heights and abilities and that's a good thing, right? It's a good thing. We don't all want to be the same human because it's boring and eugenics, right? So that word says that human beings should be a certain way. Your body is not at that weight. Therefore you are wrong. Your body is wrong and faulty and needs to be changed.
That's bad, right? The word obese, this one is even more fucked up. So not only is it presuming that you're overweight because it's the next category up. The word obese means, literally means the meaning of the word obese means having eaten until fat. The word obese means having eaten until fat. Now everyone who falls into that category of obese, is that accurate? Have they eaten until fat? Are all fat people at home just polishing off a thousand donuts for, you know, casual snack in the afternoon and guzzling them lard milkshakes and all that type of stuff. No, we know now modern science tells us that there are literally hundreds of reasons that someone has a different body size and to presume that fat people have become fat because of something that they have done, which is wrong. And even if you have eaten until fat, who has decided that is wrong, because what is behind that?
What is going on there is that a reaction to years of dieting. Is that a reaction? Because of some sort of emotional thing that's going on where you need to protect yourself. And the alternative is something, you know, more difficult and difficult to deal with, et cetera, et cetera. Is eating too much food? Does that mean that you're a bad person? All this is all judgments on the individual, right? It's saying that the individual's body is the individual's quote unquote fault. And it is not looking at the whole issue of why people are fat and the fact that being fat is not even in the issue because we all come in all different shapes and sizes and now there's a beautiful thing. So the O words really pathologize fat bodies, they presume that fat bodies are diseased and wrong and need to be fixed. And that is not true.
If you want to be healthy, you can be healthy and be fat. I know it's absolutely fucking healthy. Holy shit. Cold the presses. But it's true. If you don't want to be healthy, that's fine too. It's up to you, right? It's your body. You do what you want with it. So as soon as I hear someone use the O words, I'm like, Oh my God, this person is not safe. I think, Oh, this person is not really into social justice, or this person is not that far along in their body acceptance, their body love journey, or this person hasn't got a lot of education around this issue. And so it makes me hesitate towards that bold person. Now if people are using those words and they're like, Oh, Hey Victoria, I'm struggling because I'm overweight and blah, blah, blah. I understand that where they're coming from, right?
You're not a bad person if you've used those words, because we've all used those words. I didn't learn about this stuff until the last kind of five years of my life and I would be like, Oh, that's so nice of me to use that word, overweight, you know, obese. That's kind of me because I'm doing the right thing. But now we're becoming smarter and more savvy about the effects of the words have on people. And we've not even spoken about the category of normal. I mean, Holy shit, normal. Oh Lord, right? Just the whole, yeah, just, Ugh. I'm literally just shaking my head. They're being like, you have a normal body or you have an abnormal body. There is literally something wrong with you. You big freak. Look at you. You're two pounds over normal or 200 pounds over normal. You'll mega abnormal. It's just very judgy, right?
It's very judgy. And not only is it judgy, it's dangerous. This is not just about, you know, let's make people happy by using the right language. This is literally life or death because what we know about saying that fat bodies are not normal, saying that fat people have eaten until they're fat, that they are over the correct way. Their bodies are bad is violence against fat people is death. It is literally death. It's stigma. It's not being able to go to the doctor because you know that you're going to be prescribed a diet because you stubbed your toe or way more serious things like I hit all the time whenever I share on social media about anything to do with weight stigma and doctors, the amount of messages and comments I get people being like, Oh, I didn't go to the doctor because of this.
Or I went to the doctor because I had this issue. And they said, Oh, it's because you're fat. Turns out I had cancer. It turns out I had MS, turns out and then we hear stories in the media of turns out that fat person died. And this is all intertwined with the oppression of fat people. This language is devastating to the care and love and acceptance of fat people. So it might seem like a little thing and it might be like, eh, whatever. Just call them overweight, who cares? But it's really, really, really harmful towards everyone. Really? How many straight sized people go into a doctor and they're presumed to be 100% healthy because they're straight size, right? It's not just fat people who were affected by this. It's everyone who presumptions are being made about their health status because of the size of their body.
We don't want to do that, right? It's almost 2020, right. We want to be forward thinking. So the O words are slurs. If you want to use the O words, like sometimes no medical publications, we'll use the O words cause they don't know any better and you know, they think they're being you know, based in science and whatnot. And so say if I want to share a publication, which is good in regards to like, Oh, overweight people does that to other people I will say, Hey, trigger warning the use of O words or I will put in quotation marks. The words overweight, obese or I will also, well I actually do is I put in quotation marks and I also star out the ease in overweight and obese to say, Hey, this is really fucked up. We don't use this word. So we don't use the O word, but why do I use the word fat and not something else like thick or fluffy or curvy or whatever.
Well, the fat positive community have reclaimed that word and use it as a neutral descriptor. And by using it as a neutral descriptor, we're saying there's nothing wrong with being fat and why fats? Why fat? Well, fat is that, that word that we have all been so terrified of. I used to be so scared that someone would ever call me fat. That would just be my deep dark thing. Like, please don't even know if I ever got into an argument. Please don't with them. Say that. Call them, call me fat or if a bully called me fat. Ugh, like I remember this boy at school and we were in French class and he said, Victoria treyground or gross or something, I can't remember what the word was, but it was a French word for fats. And him and his mate was laughing, turn out both of them fancied me fucked up. Obviously, I'm mean gorgeous, even as a kid. But they were saying that and I just, it was just sickening. Like how I can remember that years and years and years later, I remember where we were. I remember my friend Irene turning to me and saying, can you hear that they're calling you fat and French? Like it was traumatizing. And now obviously that's not the only instance, but it would literally be a knife to my heart. It would be the most hurtful thing. Like, and they could call me anything but fats. Now, if someone calls me fats, I'm just initially like, well done. You have eyes like, yep, yep. I'm fat. Well, she point, it literally has taken the power out of it because I have reclaimed it and I've said, you cannot hurt me with this word anymore because it's mine.
It's my word. It's like someone saying, Hey, you Victoria. Well yeah, that's my name. That's who I am like and what, what you play are you trying to make, you know? And so it can't hurt me. It really, it really cannot. I promise you. Like some people might be like, well, I just has so much power for me, but if you reclaim it, you can work on diminishing that power. So the you people can't hurt you with it anymore. People can't hurt me by calling me fat anymore. I've just, sometimes I just think, Oh, thanks for, you know, if someone's trying to say it in a mean way most people say in like a neutral way or even a positive way. If someone is trying to say it in a mean way, I'm just like, yeah, thanks. You know, thanks. I am, I know.
Isn't it good? So it's something that we've reclaimed, reclaimed, and it's a neutral descriptor. The same way as someone says, like right now I currently have yellow hair, so I have lemon, yellow hair. And so someone said Victoria, the, the the white girl over there with the yellow hair, green eyes, she's fat and she's wearing this like you don't think, Oh, you know, those other words, you know, brown head, whatever. You're not like, Oh, don't call her brown head. That's so rude. She's got chocolate hair or whatever, right? Yeah. Cause it's just not even a thing. It's just a descriptor about human body. And so we don't need to recoil when someone uses that words. And of course you call yourself anything you like, even if it is the O words, but just have an awareness that when you use those words, people around you are learning something, right?
Straight sized people are learning, Oh maybe it's okay to use those words. Maybe another fat person said to, you know, a straight sized person, Hey those words or slurs and, but then another fat person is using them. Then, you know what does that teaching? What is that teaching us? And so why I don't tend to use euphemisms because euphemisms being things like fluffy or ferric or curvy or zaftig or full, voluptuous. All are absolutely fine. But it's softening the idea of fats. It's saying, well, we don't want to use that nasty word, fat because there's something wrong with it. So we don't try to say, Oh, she, you're not fat. You're curvy. I've noticed a lot of guys I've dated if I ever asked them like, Oh, do you normally date fat girls? They'll be like, no, I don't take fat girls.
I don't curvy girls. And it's like, mate, you date fatties, there's not wrong to date fatties, you know, but then sometimes when they say curvy, they just mean quote unquote curves in the right places. You know, someone who's not actually fat, like someone who has maybe a big tits, you know? And so it's useful for actually saying no fat, like fat, fat, fat, not, you know, big tits, foul, big bum, foul, whatever. So should you call other fat people fat? Or if you're straight sized, should you call school fat people fat? Well, I always say respect what people call themselves. And so if someone wants to call themselves overweight I personally, if someone says I'm overweight, I wouldn't actually refer to them as overweight. I would use a word, a more, I'll use one of the words I'm going to share with you in a minute.
I'll use a different word for them. Just cause I don't, you know, it's like they're slurs. I just can't bring myself to say them, but I won't say I won't necessarily, unless our client of mine correct them and say, Hey, let's not use that word. So go yourself what you want, you know, really. If you can't get on board with fat, that's fine. I'm presuming you can because you're listening to Fierce Fatty podcast. And so I'm guessing that you're okay with the word fat, but let's say if you're a fat person, should you refer to other fat people as fat? Now, I will tend to mix up different uses of words. And so say if I'm with someone who you know, a friend and as a friend, they know who I am. And so I might be like, Oh my God, look at that fat person over there.
She's got a great outfit on or something. I would happily say that to a a friend talking about another fat person. Now say if that fat person with a cute outfit came on over, I wouldn't be like, Hey, fatty, how you doing? Because that thought person might be like, how rude, why are you calling me fat? I wouldn't reference that body, but say if I was, I don't know why I'd be referenced them, they're referencing their body to them because that's weird. You're not like, Oh, hello fat person. But I would use maybe different words until I, you know, I'd ask them, I'd probably ask them. But if you're not sure what to refer to someone as, here are some words that you can use, you can say, instead of overweight, obese or whatever. And if you're not sure if there are core with the word fat, you can say people of size or person of size, you can say larger body, bigger bodied, bigger bodied person.
You can say higher weight individual. You can say plus size. You can say big. So there's some non euphemism Medu is that a word you not euphemizing is other word. Just make it up words. Tell me if one of those words is right. If don't want to use a euphemism which is absolutely, you know, great and fine. You can just say people of size, person of size, bigger bodied higher weights. And sometimes it might be better to use those types of words versus fat for example. In in spaces where there might be some struggles with this. Like for example, in in the eating disorder clinic world, they might not necessarily use the fat, the word fat as much, but they might use the words higher weights, individual or bigger bodied individual. Now when I hear someone using those words, I'm just like, I'm in love with you.
I love you cause I know they get it right. They get it. And so if someone says people of size, I'm just like, Oh my God, be my best friend. I want to marry you. You get it, right. And so any of those words, I'm just really loving and, and you know, if you want to, you know, be playful and call yourself curvy or thick or fluffy or anything, I mean it's your potty, do what you want. But just be aware of the O words and how powerfully harmful they are for individuals and for society as a whole.
So that's why I use the word fat. And I started using the word fat maybe. Oh gosh, five years ago I remember I sent an email to my subscribers at the time and I was like, the email said I am fat and that's okay. And I remember when I sent it, I was just like, Oh man, this is big. It felt like I was coming out to the world as a bigger body person. Whereas before I was trying to hide the fact that I had a bigger body. I was just like, I hope doesn't, people don't notice. I hope that with my optical illusions, I'm tricking them into thinking that I'm thin and by saying, Hey, I'm fat and it's okay. It was really like stepping into my true self. And I don't know if I got people emailing me back saying, don't say that you're not fat.
I probably did, but I don't remember if I did. What I remember is it being a positive experience and really it being really cathartic for me to reclaim that. And it really was a turning point from being embarrassed and shameful about not being thin to being like, I'm fat and what, like and what or like, what have you got to say about it? Nothing. Okay, good. Something will fuck you. So do you want to come out as a family? Do you want to say, Hey, well I'm fat, I'm fat. I think I spoke about this. Yeah, I did speak about this on the last episode, but if you're like, I don't know, am I fat? Am I fat? Well to work out if you're fat, listen to the last episode. But the way I like to just decide whether someone is actually fat as if they have experienced systemized oppression, stigma lost opportunities, et cetera, because of the size of that body.
Is life harder because of the size of your body? And so for an example, have you ever not fit into a chair because of the size of your body? Have you not gotten a job because of the size of your body? Are you able to shop in stores and buy clothes? Are you able to shop in maybe just one store or are you able to shop in all the stores? You can also look at the fat spectrum again on the podcast before episode nine and work out like clothing size wise. Like, do you fall into, you know, being fat or not. And a lot of people call themselves fat, but they're not actually fat. Like, I remember being like, Oh my God, I'm so fat and I was like a size 14 and I'm just like, mm, no, you were actually smaller than the quote unquote average sized human woman.
So, you know, it's probably, it is a good thing to not call yourself fat when you're not actually fat. And all the times people call themselves fat when they're not actually fat is what they're trying to say is, I don't feel comfortable. I feel like my body is too big and fat is a negative thing in their eyes. And so they say, I am fat because what they're trying to say is I don't like myself. I don't like my body size or if you say I'm feeling fat, Hmm, are you, or are you feeling bloated? Are you feeling uncomfortable? Are you feeling that you've already should be smaller, et cetera, et cetera. So yeah, maybe don't call yourself fat if you're not fat, but if you fat one. But yeah, so that is the why I call myself fat and maybe why I don't use the O words.
I want to tell you something about myself. So the thing that I want you to tell you about myself today is how I got to where I am today. Like, have I always been doing this? How can people love their fat bodies and feel comfortable and uncomfortable around food? No. Surprising enough. No, I haven't. I've been doing this for probably I think since 2013 I first started a blog and I've been full time in my business since 11 months now? But then I was, you know, doing stuff in my business part time previous to that. So originally, so I worked in a call center when I was just left university. It was fucking hell. It was horrible. It was character building. It's what it was cause I was so shy. You wouldn't believe it now, but I was so fucking shy. The guy that trained me I'm still friends with him today and he was just like, Oh my God. Like, yeah, he was like, you were just shitting your pants on, you know, the thought of talking to someone on the phone. Literally. I don't know how I even did it because I was so scared. And I would be working in the complaints department for a motor insurance or car insurance company. And so working in the complaints department, that was so much fun. Oh my God.
And working at a call center, like you have to type a code into the phone to say, I'm going for a piss now. And if you're like, you've spent too long pissing today, what's wrong? You've spent seven minutes pissing, Oh my God, am I did poo or whatever. So that was awful. And then I saw an advert in the paper being like, do you also to make loads of money and drink martinis and be fine? I'll be like, And I was like, yes, I want to do that. And it was a job for, it was an ad for a recruitment agency. And I was perfect for it because I just spent, I don't know, a couple of years, 18 months taking abuse from people online on on the phone. And so in recruitment, my first job in recruitment was calling companies being like, do you want to have staff from us? And then being like, go away, leave me alone, you piece of shit or whatever. And so I was used to people being mean to me on the phone and doing those calls. And so anyway, and so then that started eight years in the recruitment industry in talent acquisition is what we call it nowadays, talent acquisition, acquiring talent, very sexy. And I was turned out to be very good at it. I was actually at one stage, the number one account executive for the largest agency.
I was a number one account executive in Canada for the largest agency in the world. And I think a lot of that was to do with like being a people pleaser and, you know, perfectionist because I wanted people to love me and all that sort of stuff, which is fine, whatever. I did that. Then I turned and moved into internal stuff and doing more like HR stuff. And then University of British Columbia, which is the number two university in Canada had hunted me to become an adjunct professor for them because I do like what's the word? Not charity staff. Volunteer, that's it. Volunteer what is the right word? Volunteer staffs. I do a lot of volunteer, like career advice and helping people and helping MBAs with salary negotiations and all that type of stuff. Show them the money.
And so they wanted me to teach their BAS there. This the undergrads to how to communicate and how to get jobs in the modern world. And so I did that for two and a half years. And while I was doing that, I was also doing my business. And I also am a certified coach, studied in personality tests and understanding humans. So yeah, so a long time, I was kind of a few years, part time with my business and then finished being an adjunct professor 11 months ago, being full time in my business ever since then. But it feels like I've been doing this for like two minutes, but also for two decades, right. Cause there's so many new new things happening and and yeah, just feels like I've also been doing it forever, which is cool. I like it. Obviously. I love it. I don't really like it. I love it. This is my life's calling. This is what I want to do. This is what I am doing is to tell people, Hey, you don't have to feel how I used to feel, which was a big bag of dog shit. You can feel okay if you want to or not. You do, you want to have you want I'm not your boss. You do what you want. Yeah. So that was my fact about me. Corporate recruitment, university adjunct professor. Now I teach women to get flopped. Let's hit South for everyone to see in the bikini. If you want bikini or not or whatever, more than I do what you want and I'm not the boss of you.
All right, so if you've not already subscribed to the podcast, make sure that you subscribed so you get a new episode. I'm trying to do one for every week. I say trying, I will do one every week. And by the way, Hey, did you know that I have about 18 months worth of videos on YouTube, so 18 months where I did a video every single week and then like short and sweet, so like between three minutes, you know, six minutes, that type of thing on topics that we're talking about on the podcast. And so if you want just like a five minute dose of fat positivity in your day, go and check out my YouTube channel. The link will be in the show notes to get some of that in your brain. So, yeah. So make sure you give me a review. Five stars, please, or whatever you wanted to.
I know the both of you. But if you would like a copy of my book the audio and ebook version, take a screenshot and email me victoria@fiercefatty.com and share on social media, tagging me fierce.fatty on Instagram and Fierce Fatty the other places you'll find me. You know where I am. And I'll put you in a draw to win a Fierce Fatty cup. And thank you for being amazing and hanging out with me today. Honestly, I love hanging out with you. I really do. Like, I was walking on the beach the other day and I was like, Oh, looking forward to recording the podcast episode so I can have a chat with them, with you. Listen to you. Yes, you right now.
So thanks for hanging out with me. It's been fun as always, and I'll see you on the next episode. Have an incredible day, Fatty. Good bye!
EP9 Transcript
Welcome to episode nine of the Fierce Fatty podcast. I am your host Victoria Welsby and today we're talking about the five reasons why you still hate your fat body.
You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm Victoria Welsby, TEDx speaker, best selling author, and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self-esteem to being a courageous and confident Fierce Fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living in a fat body is bad, but what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century. So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty Podcast. Let's begin.
Hey, did you know, did you know that if you leave me a review for this podcast on Stitcher or Apple podcasts and screenshot the review before you submit it and then email that to me at victoria@fiercefatty.com. I'm going to send you an audio and digital copy of my best selling book also called Fierce Fatty as a massive thank you. And even if you have the book already, why not write a review just to spread the good love so that more people can find out about how to be a fierce fatty and how to stop dieting and how to realize that their fat body is just amazing just as it is, right? Because we want to spread that message, wouldn't you? I would love to have had that message. Imagine when I was like any age before I've discovered it. And someone, when someone told me it's okay to be fat. I know because when someone told me it was okay to be fat, I was like, what the fuck? What do you mean it's okay to be fat? You're out your mind. Yeah.
So let me review and bonus points. If you share on social media that you're listening to this podcast, I'm going to enter you to win a Fierce Fatty cup. And what a better way to tell the world I'm fat. I don't give a fuck what you think about it. I'm fierce, right? So do it. And also check out the show notes because this episode we have a download that goes alongside so that you can get the absolute most learning and impact from it. Go to fiercefatty.com/009 for the show notes and you're going to find the Fierce Fatty Confidence Makeover. Okay, so go to the show notes fiercefatty.com/009 cause it's episode nine. And look for the link for the Fierce Fatty Confidence Makeover. Absolutely free. Yeah, it's gonna go along with today's episode.
Now we're talking about the reasons why you still hate your fat body. And a lot of people come to me and they say, I've done this, I've done that and I've listened to this and read that and done this and I still hate my fat body. I don't know what, why, what the heck? Now there's some, some really for me because I do this, you know, I teach people to love their fat body. There's some real obvious things and I want to share them with you to see, to make sure that if you're in that place where you don't love your fat body, you've got these things covered so that you can move forward with thinking that, you know, not even love thinking that your body's all right thinking that your body deserves love and respect and attention or whatever you know.
So the first one reason why you still hate your fat body is the media that you can shoot the people that you follow on social media. Now we are being brainwashed to think that thinner bodies are more attractive. We are aggressively being told this message through advertisements, through the, through media that we consume. It's just been drilled into our head aggressively to the point where we don't even realize it. We're watching certain TV shows and we don't notice that every single person who is an actor on the show is, has certain look, they're all quote unquote traditionally what you would say is beautiful according to society or documentaries. Like is it all one type of person, one type of body or anything? What body types are you consuming? So one thing that I noticed this summer, it's November now, nearly December, but this summer being in the UK area is UK media.
So fucking fat phobic. It is just eye rolling. Oh my God, it's so bad. It's so bad. Like the morning like chat show things and radio shows and everything. Even from places that you think is more liberal, it's so sensationalized. fatphobia is just exhausting. But the big shows that are on, they don't often have any type of diverse body sizes on there. So a big one is a love Island. So if you're in the UK, you'll know this love Island. Basically it's a reality TV show. I don't actually know much about it cause I've watched like half of one episode, but it's a reality TV show where traditionally attractive men and women go somewhere hot and they hook up with each other, try and fall in love. I don't know, something with love, but they're in their bikinis. They're in their swimming shorts and Speedos and all that type of stuff.
And the reason why I've only watched half an episode is when I was actually in the BBC the TV show that was filming is, it started I think, yeah, it started or it was on and some of the house watched it. And I sat down and I was like, what's the big fuss about the show? And I started watching it and I was like, Oh no, Nope, Nope, Nope. This is going to change my neuropathways for the worse because it was just the same body over and over and over thin women and muscular men. And I was like, nope, this show is bad for my mental health. And so I was like, you know, hung out in the room for a bit, wasn't that you're watching the show but then didn't watch it again. I bet you I would have loved it. I bet you would have been so entertaining and addictive and you know who's hook, who could not with who and blah blah blah. But even though I know I would've probably liked it because I like trashy shit like that, I knew that also it would have affected my mental health and it's really easy for me to spot something that is going to negatively affect my mental health and what I see as attractive or acceptable or worthy or lovable is I would just start, something will come up in my head of, Oh, maybe you should, why don't you lose weight Victoria? And I'll be like, what the fuck? Where's that coming from? And it was like okay. Yeah, I was watching the show about this. Yeah. And it could be something which is innocent, right? It could be, you know, just like a property show and, but the presenters are very attractive and thin and buff and stuff like that.
And the people they're selling houses for are traditionally attractive. And think about as well, your social media, where are you spending your time in a day? And if you're like me or like most humans on that, you're on social media. At least for, I don't know, an hour a day or a few hours. I shudder to think 27 hours every day I'm on Instagram and I'm more like 26. And so what type of people are you looking at? Even if it's your friends, your friends on Facebook. Are you friends with only thin people? Only people who you feel jealous of their body. And so they could just be like going around life being like, here's a picture of me and my kids and that picture could trigger you so you don't need to unfriend them. You can just maybe pour, seeing their photos, seeing their feed for 30 days. And if you want to go check it out, you can just go and look them up and look, right. And just see how about, helps with your self esteem. Is someone in your friend group, so sharing lows of like, Oh my God, look at this before and after picture or Oh my God, I'm on a diet and now alarm, bullshit like that. Then you need to put them on, I was a word, you know, hide them or put them on pause. So these are not the right words, but you know what I mean, on Facebook. Hide them from your newsfeed. Yeah. It's hiding. I don't hide them. Yeah. Or if you want to go to the you know, you could also unfriend them if you want, you know, do what you want. But I a lot of time hide people, especially.
So some I get a lot of friend requests and I really like it. When I'm getting friend requests from fat activists and body positive people because I know they're share good shit. But if I ever get a new friend, you know, cause they connected for someone, I think they probably know who I am and then they share anything which is even slightly triggering from me. I would just hide them for 30 days and then if it comes up again, then I'll hide them, you know, after 30 days and they sharing some other stuff that don't like, then I've just permanently hide them. My mental health is too important to me to let their views of the world hurt me know, especially if it's not someone I know, I would just unfriend them, right. I am on following people on Instagram all the time.
Anyone shares anything remotely you know, not fat positive. I'm just I've got time for that shit like if you spend any time on my social media, you come away feeling better not worse, which is on times what social media does. So do you have someone who is sharing recipes for diet meals or fitness inspiration accounts or accounts that promote movement? But the pictures are all like of a thin athletes, no fat athletes. Then this is a big reason why you don't like your fat body. Okay? So that's number one, following thin people on social media and consuming media that only has straight sized people there. Okay.
So number two is spending time with fat haters and dieters. Now where do you work? What people do you work with? Who do you spend the most time with? Who are you chatting with on the daily basis? Are all your colleagues like, Oh my God, I need to try this new diet. I just eat bird droppings and balls of yarn and I'm going to lay a 7,000 pounds. You should try it. At the dinner table or the lunch table at work and people like, Oh, I shouldn't eat that because then blah, blah blah. Or Oh, it's Sally's birthday, but I'm not gonna have any cake cause I'm going to be good. All they like talking about their diets and are they talking about how they're disordered with food. Not saying how they were recovering from it, but how you should be disordered with food too and try this new diet and Oh my God, I look so fat today. I feel so bloated. It's a day, things like that. We spent so much time at work, right? So much time. And a lot of times we want to tell our colleagues to suck a dick, right? We want to say, Hey, you motherfucker, you just eat my fucking tits because Keto is bullshit. You're going to lose weight, but then you're going to put on more weight and it's fucking rubbish. I just want you to die, Karen. Okay, Karen just die. We want to say that, but we can't because we want to keep our jobs. But do you have to spend your lunch with Karen? Do you have to engage? When Susan starts talking about her bird dropping diet, do you have to be like hmmmm or can you say to Susan. Susan, this is a really fucking boring or Susan, isn't that a lovely day? Did you notice? Susan what are you doing this weekend? You know? Oh, Hey Susan I'm recovering from disordered eating. So when you talk about disordered eating, it's really difficult for me or I don't know, put some headphones in or move desks or hide under your desk crying and rocking.
What can you do? What can you do? There's so many different like strategies you could try and employ to avoid as much as possible. And sometimes it might not be possible, right? And you can't control that but the people that you're surrounding yourself with at work are very influential. The people you're spending time with the most time with your friends are very influential on how you think and believe and it makes things normal, right? Like, if anyone started talking to me about a diet now, I would be, it'd be so strange. I'd be like, what? What, what diet? What is that? It'd be very, very strange for me. But 10 years ago it'd be very, very strange if someone said, Hey, let's not talk about the layers because I found it so interesting telling people like, Oh, by the way, that packet of crisps has 17 more calories in this packet of crisps.
That was really interesting information for me. I don't know if you can hear in the background, but Dougal, my dog has decided to start scratching the carpet. I've told him off. I've told him, listen Dougal, we'd make an a podcast here so we don't want you scratch and so sorry about that little bit of scratching. Also, I get a lot of messages from people on Instagram and they will send me screenshots of messages that they get from their friends and their friends are being outrageous, fat phobes and I'm like, what the fuck? This is abuse. This is straight up abuse. And and their friends are gaslighting them saying, no, I'm not being mean. I'm just, you know, it's cause I love you. That's I love you. That's why I'm telling you about this new diet. That's why I'm telling you that you're fat piece of shit or that's why I'm telling you whatever abuse that they've got.
If you tell your friends, Hey, or people around you, Hey, don't talk about this stuff and they don't respect your boundaries, go back to episode seven. Yeah, seven where I teach about how to set boundaries. The name no friend of yours, okay. No friend is going to be sending you fat phobic messages or you know, telling you saying nasty shit about your body. Like, Oh my God, I call you. I'm telling you now, if you are my friend, I'm never going to be saying anything like that. I'm going to be sending you, sending just lovely, sweet messages to you. No, you need to get these people out of your life or you need to put in boundaries because your happiness and mental health are important. Okay?
Next your family of origin. Now, this is number three, family of origin, your family, your family, the people that you spend time with who brought you up. You properly learn a lot of fatphobia from them. Probably a lot of my clients and people I talk to most have a story about, you know, many stories about their mom said this or did this adapted this or said that their uncle did this and did this sister brother, people being awful human beings to them. And it's certainly my story that growing up I knew I learned that fat was bad, that thin was good, that dieting was a way of redemption, et cetera, et cetera. And because I grew up around that and a lot of us do, it's such, I think it's quite rare that we don't, that you know, that someone doesn't have that experience. It's no wonder, it's no wonder that you don't like your body when you go home on the weekend or you go and see your family at Christmas or whatever and they're like, Oh, you've got fat.
Oh, did you see Aunt Marilyn? She put on 12 stone or whatever bullshit they're talking about. That affects you because you want to be loved and accepted by your family. You don't want to be rejected by your family, even if you really fucking hate them and they're really annoying and then you don't want to actually spend time with them. Deep down we all want to be loved and respected and it feels unsafe to know that our family are judging us because of our size. You know, we could be kicked out of our, you know, community if you go back into our brains of, you know, traditionally when we would have lived in communities and being rejected by our community, by our family was dangerous because humans, we don't survive well on our own we're community type beings. And so your family of origin, perpetuating fatphobia and diet culture is very influential on your own self esteem. Your mom looking at her body saying, Oh God, look at my bingo wings. Oh look, I'm so fat and mm and she's smaller than you or has the same body as you. She might as well be saying that about you. And so if you don't address that behavior in whatever way you want to address it, go back to episode seven about boundaries. And so it could be spending less time with them. It could be saying, do not talk about your body like that. It could be, I'm only talking to them on the phone for five minutes instead of 10 minutes. It could be loads of different things that work for you, but if you do nothing about this, then there's no wonder that you don't like your body because you are being bombarded with these messages left, right, and center that you're not okay.
It's a miracle that you even think that maybe you could like your body like seriously. It's a massive, massive, massive achievement to get to the point where you think maybe diets don't work. Maybe fat bodies are okay. Most people don't get there because of the aggressive programming we get in this society.
Okay, next point number four. Number four reason why you still hate your fat body is you don't challenge your internalized fat phobia. Now we're all fat phobic. All of us, even me, I'm fat phobic. I just haven't discovered the different layers of fatphobia that I still have, right? Like, I think, yeah, fat people are great and straight sized people are great and it's okay to be fat and all of this stuff. But there's still some fat phobia like it in my brain that I haven't discovered yet. And there probably will be till the day I die. We're all fat phobic. We're all bigoted in some way. But the levels of bigotry that we carry should be as small as possible, right? And so just acknowledge your fat phobic. If you live in this society and you've, you know, you live in this society, you live in our society, then you fat phobic cause we brought up in a fat phobic society. Now if you can say certain things about, you know, or some fat people are beautiful but not me. I'm not, there's still fat phobia. It's internalized fatphobia. It's internalized hate for yourself and discussed for yourself and your own fat body. So you have to work on that. You have to break it down. You have to say, why? Why do I say that their fat body is okay and those fat people are attractive but these fat people, me, I'm not attractive.
Why is complicated, but it's stems down to what it is? Its fat phobia, right? It's your internalized fat phobia. And so think about certain things it could be as well, but notice yourself judging others. And so look at pictures of fat people and see if you have any reaction like, Oh yeah, that fat person looks okay, but that fat person isn't okay because XYZ and break it down and find out, you know, where is this XYZ coming from? What's going on here? Is this based in reality or is this bigotry? Am I being a bigot right now? Do I want to be a bigot? Do I? You might say, yes, I love being a bigot, but me personally, I don't enjoy being a bigot and I try my best to try and not be a bigot. And you know, it's a process, right?
You know, because we live in this society that's so aggressively anti-fat. So if you don't challenge your internalized fatphobia, you're not going to be able to move forward. If you're constantly thinking, Oh, you know, my body is just disgusting, but fat bodies are just not attractive, but fat bodies are just not healthy, but fat bodies are X, Y, Z. How will you're not going to be able to love your own, right?
Okay. Point number five. Point five reasons why you still hate our fat body. You've not made the decision to change and taken steps to change. Okay? So you have to decide, I am done with this shit. I'm done with this shit. Fuck this. I've spent my whole life dieting. I've spent my whole life hating my body. I am done. Then you have to do something about it, right? You have to take action and you might not be done and that's fine.
You might not be at that place. You might be like, you know, I just want to try this last diet. I just want to try this last tea that makes me shit my pants. That means I have to wear a diaper and nappy. I'm not quite sure if I can give up on my dream of being thin. That's a big one is having to give up on that dream of being thin and what comes with that dream. It's devastating, right? Just devastating to give up on the idea that one day we'll be thin and we'll have that fairy tale ending. Oh my God. It's really sad. It's really sad. I just knew if only I lost X amount of pounds. If only, Oh, they're not, then I'd love myself. Then I'd love myself. I'd have a body that people would envy versus, well, maybe if I stay the same way and I just try working on it, maybe I will love my body.
Then when you're in diet culture, that doesn't seem really like a viable choice because you've tried loving your body the way it is now when you don't love your body, but you have to decide, I'm giving up diets, I'm going to work on accepting my fat body, loving my fat body, getting to a neutral place with my fat body. And you have to then do things versus just being like, I wish, I hope one day something's going to happen to make me like myself. You're the only person who is responsible for how you feel, right? And you're the only person really can take the action to do those things and whatever that might look for you. It could be going to therapy. It could be reading books. It could be listening to this podcast. It could be doing things like taking Fierce Fatty Academy, which is my e-course. It could be exploring things in many different ways. Like there's no right or wrong way to do it, but you have to take action. You can't just hope that you know something's magically going to change. You have to decide and then you have to take action, right?
So they are the five points. Let me go over them again and remember there's a download that goes along with with this episode which is called the Fierce Fatty Confident Makeover and that is at fiercefatty.com/009 cause it's episode nine.
So the five reasons why you still hate your fat body, number one is you follow thin people on social media. You follow diet people, you are consuming media that only has straight sized people only perpetuates fat phobic ideas. So it's media you're consuming, the social media, the movies, the TVs, the radios, everything.
Number two, spending time with fat haters and dieters and think about where you spend most of your time in your life is that work? So Susan at work, sorry if you're a Susan and you're listening and you're like fucking Susan and Karen always get it. What the hell Susan at work is jabbering on about her bullshit diet all day long and that is a big reason why you don't like your fat body.
Next. Number three, your family of origin and the people who raised you. The people that you spend time with who are your family units. There love and acceptance are important to you and if you know that they will love you more if you're thinner, that's a problem. That is something that needs to be worked on.
Number four, you don't challenge your internalized fat phobia and we all have fat phobia. It's just to what degree you have already explored your fat phobia or not and it's an ongoing journey. Honestly, I've been doing this stuff for years and still something will come up where I'm like, Oh, yep, I just had a fat phobic fall about that person, about myself or what's going on there and you to explore that one, Victoria, what the hell? You know, there's not, it's not a destination that you can arrive at and you've got to like, all right, done and dusted. I no longer have bigoted thoughts. Unfortunately, it'd be good to be get that right and good if we could become perfect humans, but you know, it's not gonna happen.
Okay. And number five, finally you've not made the decision to change and taken the steps to change something to attack onto that is that is absolutely okay if you you haven't made that decision to change and you don't want to take the steps to change where you are in your journey is absolutely perfect, okay. You do you, right. You know what's best for you and if you're not ready, then you're not ready, right. Don't force yourself, don't be like, well, you know, I already do actually want to explore more diets. And I just think it's one diet that I've heard about is actually gonna work for me. And then, you know, if you think that was what's best for you, do the diet, then you know, when the diet fails, we're sorry, it's probably going to fail. Then you can come back with more confidence and be like, do you know what? Fuck this shit. Whereas now you might be like, fuck this shit question mark and you might be more resolve to really do this. Whereas right now you might be like, eh, somewhere in the middle, right. So you might not be at that motivated stage and that's fine, right? You, do you, you know what's best for you.
Yeah. So, and then a fact about me in the last episode I mentioned that I went to university, paid for by the British government and I have an Irish mum and so the Irish government gave me money to live. Ah, don't you know if these systems is amazing. So I went to university, but I want you to tell you what I studied. I studied illustration. Illustration means to illuminate. And so I loved art all my life growing up and I loved painting and it was my favorite subject in school. I studied it at GCSE and A levels obviously and then I did a diploma in our design and photography and then eventually did this more specialized degrees. So it took longer in illustration. But I had such low confidence that there was no way in a million years I was ever at that stage going to be able to become a professional illustrator because I was just wrecked with self doubt. I just be like, my work is awful and it's terrible. I look back and I'm like, what? You are so talented? Oh my God, to come good you you're able to draw what? This is a really good. But at the time I just thought I was awful and I afterwards I was just like, Oh, I can't do it. And I just went and worked in a call center and so I'm a very creative person. I love singing and dancing and being creative in whatever way that comes. And you know, things like doing this podcast is, it's creative for me.
And so I'm a very creative person. And nowadays, like with my illustration, I loved painting. That was my medium that I most enjoyed and so I have really big appreciation for anyone who is able to be creative and put their artwork out there because I know how difficult that is. Oh my God. To have people criticize and judge your creations. I personally at that time couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle it and was just embarrassed and ashamed the whole time and being like, Oh my God, you know, this is so rubbish. And, so if you do that then high five to you, it's pretty badass. And yeah, so creative person, not into the sciences and maths and that type of stuff. Not my personality type at all. So that was my fact about me today and I went to university of Darby. If you're a North American, you'd pronounce it Derby, but you're wrong. It's Dhabi spelled D E. R. B. Y. yeah. I know you want to say Derby, but it's not.
Anyway. Okay. So leave a review, send me a screenshot of your review and I'll send you my book. Share on social media, share the love and there's get this message out that it's okay to be fat than it is possible to change your reality and change your belief systems around fat bodies and live a happier life. Not constantly having to look at the scales and judge yourself on, Oh my God, it's so fucking boring and exhausting and Ooh, no, thank you. And I just want it to say as well a massive thank you for your support and your love and your messages about the podcast. I really, really appreciate it really more than you can know. And I'm thinking of when I'm recording these podcasts, I'm thinking about who's listening and you, I'm thinking about you, you right now listening, thinking are they enjoying it? Is this content something they appreciate and I hope that I'm serving you and bringing you good stuff. And on that note as well on the show notes page, there's also a place where you can ask questions. And so I have another question coming up in a future podcast episode, but if you have a question you want me to answer, go to the show notes, which is fiercefatty.com/009. And you're going to find a thing to submit a question and as long as it's about this stuff, right? Fat bodies dieting, intuitive eating, all that type of stuff, don't ask me the best way to run a skate backwards. I never mastered that. I can only run a skate forwards. So make sure it's about this, not something else. Okay. because I probably won't be able to answer you if you asked me how to cook an anomaly. I don't know. So yeah.
Yeah. So thank you. Thank you for being here. It means a lot and I appreciate you and yeah, you are changing the world by listening to this stuff and spreading the message. You're literally changing the world, so you're pretty fucking badass. It's one thing. All right? Okay. All right. So I will see you on the next episode of the Fierce Fatty podcast. Thank you so much for hanging out with me today. Have a wonderful day. Dougal didn't make any more noise, so he's asleep right now. I'm going to go give him his dinner. But yeah. All right, I'll see you next time. Goodbye, fierce fatty.
EP8 Transcript
Hello and welcome to episode eight of the Fierce Fatty podcast. I'm your host, Victoria Welsby. And in this episode we're talking about Size Privilege.
You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm Victoria Welsby, TEDx speaker, best-selling author, and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self-esteem to being a courageous and confident Fierce Fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living in a fat body is bad, but what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century. So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty Podcast. Let's begin.
A lot of people get angry about this topic and the reason most of the time is that they don't understand what thin privilege is. And then when they're told that maybe they have thin privilege, people say, but I don't because I don't like my body. And it's not what thin privilege is. So in this episode, I want to explain exactly what is size privilege or thin privilege and see whether I have it, whether you have it. Why do we need to be aware about this thing anyway? And big surprise, if you do have privilege, any type of privilege, guess what? That doesn't mean that you're a bad person. No, it's just something about you as a person. It's neither good or bad. It just is, you know, the same way that if you have, you know, blonde hair or black hair or whatever, it's just a part of you as a person, but it makes things different in the way that you go about life.
Now, before we get more into that, I want to let you know that if you do me a massive favor and leave a review for the podcast, either a nice review, something like is amazing. She's so sexually attractive, whatever you want, leave me a review and before you do take a screenshot and then send that to me, my email victoria@fiercefatty.com and as a thank you, I'm going to send you a copy of my best selling book called Fierce Fatty: How to Love your Body and Live like the Queen you already are. I'm going to send you a digital and an audio copy so you can listen to it or you can just go ahead and straight read it on your, on your computer, on your phone or whenever you like so as a thank you, I want to give that to you for leaving a review and as another thank you.
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So size privilege. Oh my God. I realized I was listening back to last episode, the last episode of the podcast just to listen back and make sure that things make sense and yada, yada yada. And I fell asleep to the episode, but I do this all the time is I listened to podcasts, not my own podcasts cause that kinda sounds narcissistic, but I listen to podcasts to fall asleep too. Do you do that? But they have to be specific type of podcasts. They have to be quiet or podcast or can't be ones where people are laughing and having a good time and you know where their spikes in the volume. And I realized that fierce fatty podcast is not a falling asleep to podcast because there's bits where I make weird noises or do a shower, EBIT and yeah, I fell asleep listening to the podcast and then was rudely awoken by myself being like, Whoa, saying some things like, I'm sorry if you're trying to fall to fall asleep listening to this podcast because it's probably not going to work for you.
At some point I might be like, Whoa. And then you'd be like, Oh, look, fucking shit. What was that noise in your wake up? So yeah, maybe this is a daytime podcast or maybe it's not. Maybe it's just me that listens to podcasts to fall asleep to normally crime podcasts. There's something wrong with me. What's wrong with me? Oh my God. Yeah. Anyway something I wanted to mention is in the last episode I said something and I was like, Oh, that's not what I meant. Something. Just a quick side note, I said about align two lines. I said in the show, in the BBC show that I was in, this is what last podcast episode was about that I said, I don't believe in health. And then I said that, I said health is binary, but I didn't say that. I said health is a social construct.
So I just, when I was listening to that and falling asleep, I was like, no, health isn't binary. That's not what I said. So just a side note correction on that for last episode is I said health is a social construct. I don't believe in health is so called social construct. And in that I was talking about the fact that the way that we view bodies, fat bodies or health is very black and white when in fact it's actually shades of gray and quite complicated. So on a side note, alright, so this episode is titled, what the heck is thin privilege and do you have it? Now I'm using the phrase thin privilege because that's the most common way to describe this topic that we're talking about. But I think the word thin privilege is a little bit alienating for some people because if you ask the general population, do you identify with the word thin?
Like do you have a thin body? Even those who do have a smaller body or even very small bodies would not necessarily classify themselves as thin. They'd be like, well no, I'm just, you know, maybe I'm a little bit chubby here, you know, maybe because the way that we see thin is, is a very, very, very small person. But a lot of times fat people, class, what is thin is someone who is just not fat. And so that could be someone who is chubby but not actually fat. And so I want to use the words more of size privilege because even if you are fat, you still can have more privilege in your body than someone who is bigger. So sometimes I might say thin privilege, but I really want to get out of the using thin provision, say size privilege because I think it's more approachable and more understandable.
So the reason why I wanted to talk about this is in the BBC show that I was in, there's a scene that you see where I've got a lot of messages about this. People being like, why? Why don't people understand what privilege is? Oh my God. But there's a scene at the table and I don't know how we got onto it, but we're talking about privilege. And I said I am a small, medium fat person, therefore my body is more privileged than people who put bodies are bigger than me. And Sarah took offense to this and she was like, what do you mean? Like, you know, you can't say that your body is better. And I said, no, it's not that, that my body is better, it's just that I'm less marginalized. And I said something like, you know, life is just easier for me because I'm less discriminated against and all that sort of jazz.
And it's potent to recognize that bigger bodies need to be lifted up as said something like that. Can't remember the exact words, but that was suggest, and then it cuts away to later to Sarah and she said some that says something like, I can't believe it. Victoria is so egotistical that she thinks her body is better than others. And at that point I was like, nah, that's not what I mean. That's not what privilege is. And I being in my, my bubble of forward thinking, people who are interested in social justice, I presume that everyone knows about this thing called privilege. Whereas, and especially someone like Sarah who works for a charity trying to help fat people, I just presumed that it was just a normal kind of conversation. And that was ignorance on my part because not everyone is into this stuff or knowing about this stuff.
You know, it's not, it's not necessarily a common phrase. In popular society. You might hear, you know, male privilege and even male privilege. Some people are like, well that's not true. There's no such thing and women get all the privilege because they can bat their eyes and get lowers or things and things like that. So so we're still a society struggling with the idea that there is a thing or called male privilege. And so when you get into something like thin privilege or size privilege, people are just like, no fucking way. What is this bitch talking about? So I want to break it down to make it super understandable and take the kind of anxiety out of it. Because if someone says you've got privilege, a lot of people feel defensive and rightly so, right? You know, because sometimes when we hear that you have privilege, sometimes you hear your life is easy, your life is rainbows and unicorns, money raining down from the sky, you poop glitter, your feces rubies.
That sounds uncomfortable. But you know what I mean? That your life is easy. And so then people who have privilege say, no, my is not easy. And so what privilege is, is saying that your life is not harder because of this certain characteristic that you have or don't have. And it doesn't mean that you are a bad person because you have privilege. Now, sometimes people who have privilege, a lot of the time, people who have privilege use that privilege for their own gain and they don't want to dismantle the systems that gave them that privilege because it means that they are going to lose the thing that makes their life maybe a little bit easy. So I want to give an example. So I mentioned before that I'm a small medium fat. Now, I don't know if I've mentioned this before on the podcast, but I know that I haven't gone in depth on it, but there is such a thing called like the fat spectrum or the fat scale.
This is something that Ash from the Fat Lip podcast created. So the idea about there being different sizes of fat people has been established in fat activism and more recently ashes created this kind of very simple guide and it's not the kind of be all and end all of who is fat and who isn't fat. And if I'll you this size of that size or whatever, it's just a guide to give you an idea of how much privilege you have. And it is very, it's focused towards women because it's women's sizes and so there's no, it's hard to kind of put men on this scale or any other genders who don't wear women, women's clothing. So, so that's something to note. So this is this, the fats scale. And by the way, the way that I define fat is have you experienced oppression or stigma because of the size of your body.
And so that's not just, you know, someone saying, Oh, you're fat and actually you're not fat. It is systematic. And so for example you go into a clothes store and they don't have anything that you can wear. There's not any sizes. You sit down in a seat and it's too small. You get overlooked for a promotion because your boss thinks, yeah, you know, that fat person is obviously greedy and lazy, things like that. So have you experienced oppression because of the size of your body? Then you're probably fat. Now we all experienced oppression because of the sexist society that we live in and even thin people do. But it's a very specific, because of the size of your body is seen as a negative and it's based in fat phobia. So that's just my definition of what is fat and who was fat. But this is the fat scale. So a small fat person is classed as a US size 18 and lower. So that for UK size is UK size, 20 and lower. And that is also a XL or two X in clothing. And so a size 18 US or 20 UK size and lower. And so if you were a small fat in the clothing world, you would be able to find clothes that fit in mainstream brands and you would have lots of choices. And so you'd be able to go into any most high street stores and they would carry your size, right? So they wouldn't stop at size 14. They would go to size 18. Now that might be the very top end of what they carry. But you can still walk into most high street stores and find something, right? So that's a small fat and medium fat person is a size 22, 24 US and UK, that's 22 to 24, 22 to 26, sorry, typo in my writing.
And that is a 2X and a 3X. So if you're a medium fat, you can shop at some mainstream brands but mostly plus brands and on line. So that's my reality is that if I go into the city center here, so I'm currently in Ireland and if I go into Derry, there is one store that I can shop at and that is Primark. They carry a size 20 in Primark. But 20 I don't always fit into a size 20 because I'm a size 20, 22 and so I can shop in Primark and there is one plus size brand store in, in dairy. But it's, it's like not fashion forward. And so I've been in there a couple of times and I've been like, Nope, not for me or thank you. But still there is theoretically a whole store that I could shop at if I did choose to wear that plus-size brand.
And I can go into Primark to get some size 20s in there. But most of the stuff that I buy is online because I can't rely on Primark to you know what, you know what stores have, like sometimes you'll pick up a one size and it'll be like 57 inches smaller than the other size of, you know, in a different clothing piece. So it's hit and miss. So that's medium fat. A super fat person is us size 26 to 32 and so that's a UK size 28 to 34 and that is size, 4X and 5X. So as a super fat, you would wear the highest sizes of plus sizes. So in plus size brands so that store in dairy that has the plus sizes, they're very highest sciences they carry. And you can only mostly only shop online because there's no choices really. So imagine if you, I didn't have Primemark and I only had that one store in Derry, which I didn't find fashion forward, but that was my only choice. I would have to shop there and I wouldn't always get stuff in there because the sizes maybe don't go up to a 4 or 5X. And if they do move, they didn't have them, et cetera, et cetera. And then finally we have infiniefat, also known in the fat community as a death fat. Now this is a tongue in cheek, so don't be like, Oh my God, death fat. Oh my God. Infiniefat is a tongue in cheek. So the death fat is, you know, people from the outside, you know, the hand ringers and hair polos. We'd be like, Oh my God, that person is so fat. They're about to die. How can they even be alive with that fat. And that fat person is just like, ah, I'm just so, I'm just here. I ain't dead yet. You know? So it's a kind of a tongue in the cheek thing. And so in infiniefat is someone who is a size 35 US or higher. So that's size 36 in the UK and 6X and higher. So as an infiniefat is very hard to find anything that fits. And at anywhere online there's no way you can go into the high street and find something. And often you require custom sizing and having clothes made or you having to make your own clothes. And so that is the infiniefat or death fat.
So the reason why it's important for us to recognize that there are different levels of fatness is not to, you know, categorize ourselves or to say a smaller fat is better, better than a medium fat or an infiniefat is better than a super fat or whatever. It's just to recognize that each person, no matter wherever they fall on the spectrum will have different experiences in life. And to recognize that my life is just that little bit easier because I am a small, medium fat than someone who is a super or an infiniefat. Now, an example of this a few ago, I went to the local fair and there was a big hyped new ride. And I love the fair, I love scary rides and you know, I'm bit of a Daredevil sort of thing. And I went with my then ex boyfriend, still my ex boyfriend, but he was kind of like newly ex-boyfriends. So we were still kind of hanging out and stuff. And we went on the rise and we eventually we lined up, we queued for this, this one ride I think it was called the beast and it was like, which spin you up in a spin you from side to side in a circle and we're waiting and loads of teenagers in the line and we might need maybe 20, 30 minutes to go on the ride.
And so then we got on the ride and we were the last two riders. And so we were split up and I got into my seats and I pulled down the, the harness thing, not a harness, but you know, more secure than harness, you know and it wouldn't quite close, but I thought, Oh, you know what, they'll come over and they'll just do it. They'll push it in and it will click. And so the person came over to try and click, push it in for it to click and it wasn't working. And I was like, well, you know, it will, this person's probably just a week, you know, and and so they called over someone else and someone else came and was like, Oh, maybe take your coat off. And I was wearing this really thin jacket, like this jacket was, you know, as thick as a Tshirt. So I was thinking, Oh no, that's not gonna work, but I'll give it a try. And so by this time, this is maybe two minutes have gone by where the riders are starting to look around or like what's the delay? And all of the teenagers are there watching. And I take my jacket off, put it on the side, sit back in, and then two people come and start trying to push the thing in and eventually they say, sorry, it's not what, it's not fitting. You're going to have to get off the ride. So got off the ride and now luckily I was fat positive at that time and my experience of that was, Oh, that sucks. They don't make rides for people who are only slightly larger than the average size person. And I say average. I mean the most people are now plus-size, most women are.
And so we carried on and you know, my ex boyfriend was like, that sucked. And I was like, yeah, that's okay. Carried on. Went on a different ride, blah, blah, blah. Went home. The fact that I could go on any ride at all was size privilege. I had size privilege that I could get through the turnstiles the, I could sit on a ride and only one of the rides that I try to go on in that fair ground didn't fit me. Only one. Okay. So I was excluded because of my side size from one ride. And my ex boyfriend said it wasn't that good anyway. I don't know if he was probably just trying to be nice, but so someone smaller than me in that moment. So my ex boyfriend who was a smaller guy he had sized privilege because he was able to get on that ride, that ride was made to fit someone of his body size. But I then had size privilege when I went on the old wooden roller coaster. But someone who was bigger might not have been able to fit. Maybe someone who is bigger would never even go to the fair because they just knew it would just be full of disappointment. So imagine that, like say if you're a thrill seeker and you love going on rides that you could never have done something because of your size. And so that's just one example.
Other things could be because because of my size, it is easier for me to find someone to go on a date with than someone who is bigger. So someone who is bigger, they experienced more discrimination and they will experience partners who, potential partners who say, Oh, I'm not dating someone of that size, my size. I will have more people who are likely to say I will date someone of her size, but still there will be even more people who will date someone who is straight sized. So I have privilege, but also I don't have as much privilege as someone who is smaller than me. And other examples are, it's probably easier for me. It is, I know it's easier for me to get a job than it is for someone who is bigger than me. I used to work in recruitment for 10 years, I was in recruitment. I would see size discrimination at work. I remember very clearly a woman coming in for an interview with us and in the recruitment firm and they were, I'd say they were a super fat, maybe an infiniefat noticeably fat. And I remember seeing her walk by and then not that long later her walking and leaving. And then my colleague who interviewed her coming in and being like, did you see her? Oh my God, well I can't present that to the client, can I?
Because we'd get clients candidates. And I remember saying like, Oh, didn't they have the experience? And he was like, no, like she's so fat, she's so big. And it didn't matter what was on her resume, he totally dismissed her because of her size. She was seen as unprofessional or slovenly or lazy or all of the other things that fat people are seen as. And some people who are, who are fatter are seen as more or more aggressively. So and as well, think about going to the doctor. If you are a smaller body person, if you go and you say, well I have a sore knee or any other element that you might have, the doctor will say, huh, interesting. I wonder why and I'm more likely to treat you like your a normal human being. When a fat person goes in, so say me.
I actually damaged my knee skiing. I told my MCL and my meniscus skiing and I've skied you an extent and I remember the doctors saying like, Oh, are you active? And as in like, should we fix your knee? Like is this going to be a big problem for you? And I was like, yeah, I am. I am quite active. I like, I'm like I think at the time I ran running cycling's women, all that type of stuff. And they were like, Oh, okay. And they made a decision to fix my knee. I don't know whether if I said I don't do anything, whether they wouldn't have, but that was my perception. Now if a very fat person had the same problem, tore their ACL and then meniscus in their knee, would they have been given the same opportunity to have surgery?
Would they have, have had that ACL repaired or would they have been even asked, are you active? Would they, would the doctor just have presumed? Well, clearly they're not active because look at the size of them. Would they have been blamed on having a sore knee? Because if they're way more likely, so right, versus someone who is smaller. So just to reiterate, if you have privilege, it doesn't mean that your life is rainbows and fairy towns. It just means that your life is not harder because you have this certain level of privilege. Now, we all have so many different parts of our identity. So you might have privilege in your body size. So you might have size, privilege, but you might be lacking privilege in other areas. So you might be a small person, but you might be a person of color. You might be a small person, but you might be trans or nonbinary or queer or disabled or any other identity which is marginalized.
And so even if you have one identity which is privileged, it doesn't mean you don't also have other identities which are marginalized, right? And so it's, it's complicated. You know, human beings like complicated. It's not black and white of you have privilege, therefore your life is amazing. You're lucky bastard. I wish that, I wish that I was you, right? So I have lots of privilege. I am white. I was born in the UK, although I grew up in poverty and was homeless at 17, I had the education that the UK provided me. I managed to get a degree paid for by the UK because that's what the UK do for poor people. And I was able to continue my education and then make something of myself. I am also CIS gendered. I am straight, I am able bodied. I am currently lower middle class. When I went to Canada, the privilege that I experienced there, it was so interesting people presuming because I'm British, so British people are seen as you know, in North America, seen as is, you know, small or something or posh. And I remember my first boss being like, Oh, you're going to get, so you're going to make so much money here in the recruitment industry because of where you from your accent. And I was like, Whoa. And I saw it time and again, people presuming that I was rich and smart and educated and lots of positive things because of where I was from. And know, I wasn't going to tell them like, no motherfucker, like I am from a council estate.
I am rough as I come. But that was, you know, really plain as day for me to see. I was getting all of these things and I was getting people to like me quicker and trust me quicker and presume positive things about me because of a characteristic of me. There was nothing that I did. I happened to be born in a country. I didn't choose that. Right? And so I didn't do anything to get that. But also I'm not bad because I have that. You're not bad because you have any type of privilege that you do have. You're not bad if you don't have privilege. You're not bad if you are marginalized. It's just a part of our identity.
What is bad is if you recognize you have privilege and you're like rubbing your hands together and you're like, right motherfucker, I'm gonna milk this. I'm gonna really make sure that I stay on top and that I don't challenge status quo. I don't want to rock the boat because if I rock the boat then I might be taken off my perch. Now, a good example of this is rich old white men. Now rich old white men, they rule the world and they don't want things to change because if they're at the top, if things change, what's going to happen? Maybe they'll become number two, not likely to happen, but they basically don't want to experience the things that marginalized people experience. Because it makes life just a little bit harder and in lot of cases a lot harder spending on your, your wealth level and status and all that sort of stuff.
So you have privilege, right? It's just part of who you are. Does it make you bad? But what are you going to do about it? Right? Are you going to use your privilege for good or for bad? You have this power. Are you going to continue to oppress others? And I benefit from the oppression of others. Like I benefit as a white person from white supremacy. I benefit from people hating very, very fat people. I benefit on on the surface I could say no, I don't, I don't like that. I'm liberal. I'm forward thinking, but still I benefit from it because the systems in place have made it so that, you know, white people get ahead, that straight people get ahead more easily than those who are, you know, have different types of identity.
So how can you use your size privilege for good? Well, there's lots of different ways. So something that I do in my business is whenever I have a project, say if someone has invited me to, Hey, come on this. For example, a panel of speakers about a certain topic, I will always ask them, who are the other speakers? If it is just a bunch of white women, able-bodied straight people who don't have marginalized identities, then I will say, no thanks. I'd rather you add more diverse group of people. I don't want to take the space of someone who is more who has less privileged than me in this discussion. Very often I've seen you know, panels and it'd be like, Oh, summits and things like that. And I'll look at the other speakers. And I'm like thin white woman, thin white woman, thin white woman, thin, white woman. What? Where all the fatties where are the people of color, where are the disabled people learning queer people. And you know, the trans people. And I will say this to them, I'll say, Hey, no, but I do know some people who who might be a good fit. And a lot of times they're like, what? How dare you? When I say Hey, no, cause I'm just going to be another white person out into the mix. And so whenever I do things where I am putting things together, I make sure that there is a diversity of size and identities. And so the last time I did something it was called the Fierce Fatty summit. I think I did something last year and that was top priority for me. And a lot of people say, but it's so hard to find people who were not white, who are not stray, who are not thin and I call bullshit on that. You might know a lot of straight white thin women because they, it's easier for them to be elevated, right? And so it might be harder to find a lot of people I say harder in quotes because of systematic oppression, right? But they're, there they are. So there you just might have to do an any little bit of digging, like digging. Yeah. So you have privilege. I don't know what type of privilege, maybe it's size privilege, maybe it's something else. But again, you're not a bad person. You are, if your, you're a complete dick about it and you don't want to dismantle the systems that uphold that the marginalization of others. Yeah. So that is privilege. Hopefully I've covered it all. Hopefully I've made it accessible and easy to understand and not confusing. And I wanted to make this episode because moving forward in the podcast. I'm going to be talking about privilege and things like that and I just want it to be like, I want that to be an episode. So we lay out what privilege, what size privilege is. And so we're talking the same language sort of thing.
Now I'm going to link Ash from the Fat Lip and that fatness spectrum in the show notes. So go check it out. You can find the show notes linked below depending on where you are. But if you just want to go straight there, it's fiercefatty.com/008. Because episode eight, again, that is fiercefatty.com/008. I should say like www.fiercefatty. You know, you know, you didn't know. Do you remember in the when the internet first came? I was and say in the olden days when I was a kid, when I was young when on TV they'd be like, Hey, H T T P colon, four slash forward slash www, you know, to do the web address and it'd be like 75,000 characters long. And you were like, Ooh, so futuristic. Yeah.
So I know a fact for you for today, I mentioned before that I had an ex boyfriend. Yes. One time I'd say it's someone. But I am currently single and ready to a mingle, like being single for about, Oh my God, maybe two or three years. Yeah, maybe two. Yeah, maybe three. Holy shit. Too long. Not really. Not too long. It's the longest I've been single actually. My last boyfriend, that guy that I mentioned, I was with him for six years. And so the last time I dated both before that was quite a while. And my dating experiences have been interesting because the last time that I dated I had low self esteem. And so, you know, someone sent me a text saying, show us your tits. I be like, Oh my God, I think I know my boyfriend, I think he loves me. He wants to see my tits of coal. She can see my tits. Oh, I want to see my asshole too. Oh my God. Yeah. So it was easy for me to date when I had low self esteem because you know, anyone who would even just be like, Oh way shall I wish your rat. I could like, Oh my God, he's so romantic, Oh my God and now I don't have time for anyone's bullshit. And yeah. I've been in Ireland for a guy. Sounds so I sounds like Canadian when I say that for, I've been in Ireland since how many? 10 months, nine months now. And I've had one date, I like to two days with one guy and he turned out to be, Oh my God, he turned out to be a complete balland. So we had the first date and we'd been chatting back and forth and stuff and on my profile at the end of it, I say I only date fellow feminists.
And so that rescreens out a lot of people who were like, Oh, feminist. And so on our second date, so first date we went and got some dinner or whatever. And our second day I brought up the subject of, Oh, so, so you're a feminist then? And he was like, feminist, what does that mean? Like men can't be feminists. I mean, I'm not feminine. And I was just like, Oh my God, here we go. And I was like, is this motherfucker not even read my profile? And my profit was not that long and this thing wasn't capitals, like I only date fellow feminists. And like was it what like, what? And he was like, yeah, know men can't be feminine. And I'm just like that's not what feminism is. And then I was like, it means that you believe that men and women should be treated equally, have the access to the same opportunities and blah, blah, blah. And with that definition, most normal human beings are feminists, right? And he was like, well, women who got all the same rights as men. And I was like Nope, Nope, Nope. And uses that. And he, he just went off. We just went off on one. He just thought ran in and aven and then get this, get it, get as good as, get this. He said this to me and he's like, well, I've been a victim of sexism. By the way, men can't experience sexism because it's about power. Men have the power so they cannot be victims of sexism. So he's like, I've been a bit, I've been a victim of sexism. What do you think about this situation here, this situation, and you are going to be your mind is going to be changed. And I was like, okay, tell us about this situation where you've experienced sexism. And he said, one time I was training this group of people at work and I was like, yeah. And I was looking at the tits and bum of one of the people in the class and I was like, hmmm, yeah. And then he said afterwards, the friend of that person made a complaint about me and I got told off. Now if that isn't sexism, I don't know what it is. And, I was speechless. I was like, what? And he's like, because they don't know that men can't help looking at a woman's tits and bum is not mindful that she had her tits and bum there and I was looking at it, she probably wanted to have a date with me and I didn't even go on a date with her.
And, you know, that she ask me why they complained about me. I was just like, Oh my God, who is this human being? What? And so yeah, I was just like, mm, yup, yup. It's time for me to go. Yeah. So, that was my experience in Ireland. I've not been that bothered about dating really. And a lot of the times you just get a bit tired of it, you know, because every time you start up a conversation and you're like having a bit of banter and then they're like, shower, she tits and you're like, Oh, for fuck's sake. Or Hey, how you doing? And then, and then they're like, Oh, I'm really horny today. I've got such a massive heart on. And you're like, really, really well. You would so more likely to get laid if you just behave like a normal human being. And then went on a date with me and behave like a normal human being and maybe then we'd have sex, but we will all of these fucking, you know, asking for tit pics and sending me dick pics. Like it's not working out in your favor mate. Yeah. So that is my fact about me. I'm single. Anyone, anyone want to date me? I'm pretty awesome. I want any leads on a normal human beings for me today. Let me know.
So reminder, leave a review for me. And before you submit the review on Apple podcast or Stitcher, take a screenshot because you know what, I've had the good, we've got number of reviews, but only a few are showing up because what happens is you submit it and then 75 years later it's approved and put onto the podcast page.
And so if you wait for it to come up and show on the podcast page, you might be waiting until you die. So take a screenshot before you submit it and then just email me at victoria@fiercefatty.com. I'll send you an ebook version and an audio book version of my book. Share on social media that you're listening to the podcast and I'll put you in the draw to win a fierce fatty mug. Cup for drinking hot liquid or cold go wild, drink cold liquid from it yet your wild cold liquid drink and person you. And thanks for hanging out with me today on this episode of the Fierce Fatty podcast. I can't wait to see you again on another episode.
Have a wonderful day, my Fierce Fatty. And yeah, keep amazing.
EP7 Transcript
You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm Victoria Welsby, TEDx speaker, best-selling author, and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self-esteem to being a courageous and confident Fierce Fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living in a fat body is bad, but what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century. So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty Podcast. Let's begin.
Hello and welcome to episode seven of the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm your host, Victoria Welsby. And in this episode, we're talking about the BBC show that I was in and I'm going to be spilling the beans. Let's do it.
Have you seen the two part documentary series that I was in shown on BBC too is about a month ago now. Don't worry if you're not in the UK you can still see it. Don't tell the BBC, I'm telling you this, but someone told me that if you Google, Who Were you Calling Fat, which is a show name and, also the words Daily Motion, then you'll find, you'll be able to stream both the episodes on Daily Motion for free no matter where you are in the world. But if you are in the UK, you can catch up on the BBC Iplayer for the next 11 months while the show is going to be streaming for free.
Obviously, not for free because you pay a TV license, but yeah. Yeah, so if you haven't watched it, I don't want to say go check it out, but if you do want to go check it out, then it's there for you. And I'm having a lot of feelings about the show. So in this episode I want to clarify some things and tell yah, some of the things you didn't get to see in the episode, but before I do, I don't want it to remind you that if you leave a review for this podcast, one, I'm going to be eternally grateful to you. You can leave a review on Stitcher or on iTunes. I don't know that there's anywhere else you can leave a review, but they're the two places I know. And two, if you do that and you take a screenshot before you submit it, email me victoria@fiercefatty.com. With that screenshot I am going to send you an audio and digital copy of my best selling book, which is also called Fierce Fatty. How to love your body and live like the queen you already are. Amazing. So that's my gift to you. It's really important that I get reviews, lots of reviews, five star reviews for this podcast, especially as it's just starting up because it helps spread the word and it helps the algorithm on Stitcher and on Apple podcasts to know that this is not a big pile of shit. Maybe it is a big violation yet, but some people don't think it is, which is good.
So let's talk about this episode, this TV show, two part TV show. So I was filming in June or July, one of those months. I went to Oxford. I don't actually know where we were because it's all very top secret. And we stayed in this house with nine other fat people, bigger bodied people. And the way that I got into the show is that the production company called Love Productions. They're the same production company that has done the great British bake off. They contacted me after seeing my TEDx talk and it feels like a million years going back and forth and meeting people and talking to people and whatnot. They picked me to be on the show. And the reason why I chose to go on the show because, it was the BBC because of the higher caliber of shows this production company has produced because the the team were telling me very like, this is to elevate fat voices. It's really important for people to understand fat positivity and you know, that reassurance that this is not going to be a sensationalist, you know, piece of garbage sort of thing.
So that's my reasoning behind going on the show and really why I want to go on the show was two reasons. One to to elevate this message that it's okay to be fat. It's my life's calling. It's my life's mission for people to know that they don't have to be living in shame because of the size of their body that you can be fat and healthy. You be fat and happy. You can be fat and loved, you can be fat and have a fulfilling, incredible, wonderful, joyful life and you don't actually have to lose weight to get all of those things that you can get living in the body that you are now. So this was my life's mission to share that message and what a better way to do it where on a program, which is going to be watched by millions of people. And two, I really wanted that extra exposure for my business. The more people, the more eyes on my business, the better for the message, the better for me. And I think that I have an important voice that needs to be heard in regards to fat positivity and confidence and intuitive eating and all that sort of stuff. So we after a lot of back and forth, I eventually arrived in the countryside and Oxford chair and we spent 10 days together and we did a lot of stuff that you don't get to see on the show almost. It feels like every single minute of every single day was accounted for in regards to doing something or talking to a camera person or being filmed. Like literally from the moment your eyes open, there would be a camera person there until the time that you went to bed.
And they were like, can we film you brushing your teeth? You'd be like, no one wants to see footage of me brushing my teeth, really. But they insisted watching the whole thing and getting into bed and turn the light off and they had a crew there 24 hours a day just in case something happened in the night, you know, some someone kicked off or something. It was a really interesting experience. It was very tiring. Not only because we were doing stuff all the time, but talking about heavy stuff, no pun intended, political stuff for that many hours of a day is exhausting, right. And you need a lot of, you need some like comic relief. And the times that we weren't talking about this stuff, we laughed so much like, I haven't laughed as much in a concentrated period of time as I did in that house.
Like all of us, you know, spent evenings together and crying, laughing, especially on the very last night, like literally like telling people to stop, stop, I'm dying. But you don't get to see any of that. At the end of it, at the end of filming we said they're going to be really mad with us because none of us had any type of fight or conflict or, you know, people didn't raise their voices or no one had a fist fight or anything like that. And it's interesting to see how it's edited to make it look like there's a lot of conflict when in reality there actually wasn't. And even at the point where Sarah left the table after the discussion about body size and privilege, but it was just like, Oh, well Sarah's gone because she doesn't like the discussion and you know, there was no hard feelings or anything like that and we all just carried on getting on with each other as normal.
But that doesn't make good telly, right and what else doesn't make good telly is people having very balanced opinions. And so I was the one who was portrayed as the extremist of having these views, which were bananas. And I knew going in that there would be a lot of people who hated me, a lot of fat folks who were just like, how dare she say it's okay to be fat. But what was really difficult for me was having people hate me for opinions that I don't actually hold because of the way that the show was edited for various reasons. Like it's you know, two hour documentary, they can't get in all of the the background to every single statement. And as well, it's more entertaining when I say something like, I don't believe in the science and we don't actually hear what the science is I'm talking about and people will take from it that I don't believe in science in general, which is not true.
And so I want to clarify some of those things where it's like not really what I said or what I meant. So some people will watch a documentary and they are going to take from it that I and anyone who is interested in body positivity doesn't care about health, about public health, about individual health and those who do are bad or stupid or wrong. And perhaps I've never been to a doctor or perhaps I have no clue about what it's like to live in a bigger body because theoretically so far I've never had any negative side effects. Some people are going to take from the show that I think that people who diet or have stomach amputation surgery are bad people or stupid are you know, all of the negative things that you can think some people were going to take from the show that I don't think that there's any chance that fat people can ever get diabetes and these things I'm saying that some people would take from it is reasonably they will take from it.
It's not like they're getting these ideas just out of nowhere. It's because the way the show was edited lead you to believe that I could think these things or believe these things. Another one is I don't believe in any weight related science. Well, I'm going to answer all of these in a second. Other people would take from it that maybe I'm narcissistic or arrogant or egotistical for thinking that my body is okay or good or attractive. Some people are going to take from it that intuitive eating is being greedy and eating quote unquote unhealthy food all the time. And the intuitive eating is all sorts of, you know, assumptions being made about what intuitive eating actually is. And another thing is we shouldn't teach kids about food because if we teach kids about food in any way whatsoever, they will automatically gets an eating disorder.
Now there's a lots of other things that people are going to take away from it that, you know, like, like I'm a bad person. I'm evil. I'm killing people with my opinions. I've had it all really that I am. Yeah. Basically, I should just stop being here on the planet because of my thoughts and beliefs. And you know, some people really do believe that and you know, it's their place to believe what they want. Is that a helpful belief for them? Maybe it is, but it's not really based in reality. And something that is important for me is to embrace the idea that I am a human being and I'm not 100% good and I'm not 100% bad. I'm just a human and I'm deeply flawed. And I don't always do the best that I can do and sometimes I do do the best that I can do.
But I'm infallible. And sometimes I make mistakes and sometimes I don't communicate in the best ways. And sometimes I do, and I'm an excellent communicator and I'm a great person, but I'm a human, right. And a human being means that there's good and bad about me. Obviously I can try and work on being as good as I can most of the time. But you know, we're all human beings.
So the truth about the things that have been portrayed in the show unlike the reality is, so there's obviously the first thing that in this documentary is it's kind of like body positivity versus health. And the thing is I'm rolling my eyes right eye. The thing is body positivity is health. It's choosing mental and physical health. And so it's not either or. That's something that really cheese me off because people rightfully so will be scared away from positive body positivity and fat activism because they think if I want to love my body, I have to give up on my health. And in fact the opposite is true because we know that diets damage our physical and mental health. Choosing to stop dieting is choosing to work on your mental health and choosing to stop damaging your physical health and in turn work on that. But also you don't need to if you don't want to, if health is not a priority for you. That's another thing about body positivity. You're not going to be shamed if health is not a priority for you. But with diet culture, yeah, will be So focusing on health so dramatically. So you know, but fat people like it as soon as you hit fat people. But what about the fat people? What about their health? They're killing everyone by being fat. They're a burden on the health system in the garden around and eating babies because fat people are so bad and all this sort of malarkey, it's increases shame and shame has been shown to have very negative health outcomes.
Shame is just bad all around for your physical and your mental health. And health is not binary. So one line that I had in the show, and I'm like, this doesn't make sense with no, no thing to explain what I'm talking about is I said I don't believe in health. Health is binary. So that was the two lines. I don't believe in how of health is binary. And so a lot of people are like, you're so fucking dumb. How can you not believe that health is a thing? And I'm just like, okay. What I mean is I don't believe in the way that the society views health as a black and white on all of healthy or unhealthy thing because that's not helpful because we can never be 100% healthy. We can never be 100% unhealthy. Maybe if we're dead, you know, but it's not either or.
It's a spectrum. It's a scale. It's shades of gray. And I'm looking at health like it's always a personal responsibility and you're the only reason that you are healthy or unhealthy is not based in science and it's not true, right. And believing that healthy bodies are more important than unhealthy bodies is all kinds of fucked up. And it's based in healthism and healthism is the idea that healthy bodies are better than unhealthy bodies, that the individual in control of their health status. And what we know about health is that it's a very complicated issue that a lot of things contribute towards someone's health outcomes and what you eat and how you move your body is only a small percentage of what makes up someone's health status or, or health outcomes. It's a lot to do with your socioeconomic status, what country you're born what your ethnicity is, how rich you are, your access to health care et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Right? It's a really complicated issue. And so when I say I don't believe in health, I don't believe in the way that we view health currently in our society, in the mainstream media, and a big way for people to express fatphobia without being overtly fat phobic is to say, but what about the health about fat people? That's fat phobic, but it's kind of like, Oh, well I'm concerned about you and I'm concerned about the society. I always say to people, if you're really concerned about me and my health, you would also be concerned about my mental health, which you are actively damaging right now with your fake, well, what about your house?And I'm not here for that fat phobic fuckery because it's just fat phobia in disguise, right. Okay. So the next point is that I think that people who die or have some stomach amputation surgery are bad people according to some people who watch the show.
So no, if I thought that people who diets are bad people, I would be including myself in that list because I was a lifelong dieter. And I'd be including 90% of women who 90% of women have dieted. So no, you are not a bad person if you diets are actively dieting, if you have a stomach amputation, surgery, and I know on why I use the word stomach amputation surgery now it is so important to describe what is actually happening when people have their stomachs amputated in order to gain the things that they have been told that this surgery will give them. It is a violent act and we need to not normalize it. And also using the words weight loss surgery is a misnomer because often people don't lose weight or they, what happens when there's weight loss? It's a temporary thing.
So for me, stomach amputation surgery or stomach squeezing surgery as Marilyn Wann, author of Fat So Incredible, fat activist. Just recently introduced to my vocabulary depending on what type of surgery it is. That's why I use that. It's really important not to normalize something that has terrible, terrible outcomes really, and ruins people's lives. Honestly. There's so many. So, Oh, I don't even get me started on this. It's just in 20 years time we're going to look back hopefully and be like, Holy shit, I can't believe we used to do that to fat people. Oh my God, we're so sorry. So anyway, do what you want with your body, your body, your choice. If you have decided that stomach amputation surgery is your only hope and is the best choice for you. You do, you, you know your body better than anyone else in the world.
If you have stumbled across a diet and you think, Oh my God, this diet is really gonna be the one, this is going to be the one that makes me lose weight and therefore I'm going to become healthy and worthy and lovable and accepted in society, then you do it. Go ahead. Go and do it. The pressure to be thin is so immense that dieting and surgery make absolute sense as a response. It's kind of weird not to diet really if you think about it, because the that pressure that we feel is astronomical and letting go of that idea that becoming thin, all of your dreams are going to come true is very difficult and sad. Really sad to let go of that. If only I lost X amount of pounds, then my mum would really love me. Then my partner would really think I was sexy, then I'd been loved and cherished and I'd be worthy.
Fuck, that's hard. Right? And so I have deep empathy for people who are in that situation. And I kind of feel like it's a journey that we're all on and people who are dieting, they're just a different stage in their journey. And if someone came to me and was like, Oh, I'm doing a diet, I would never, unless they said to me, what's your opinion on diets? I would never be like a, by the way, motherfucker, you're so dumb for dieting. I just wouldn't engage cause I wouldn't engage in diet talk anyway and I would remove myself from the situation. But this show it was all about what is your opinion? What is your opinion? And so they asked me directly, what's your opinion on this surgery? And I'm sad, I say it's all kind of kind of fucked up. And in that scene where you see Dell comparing being fat and happy to Chernobyl, Oh my God, there was a bit that was a w it was in the original editing, but it was cut out.
And I was asking Courtney like, how did you feel when he was like, cause he held up his trousers and I'm saying, Oh my God, look how far I used to be. And it's just like, Oh, for fox, you know and then he was talking about how, you know, everyone who's fat and happy, they're like comfortably numb. And yeah. And then you've talked about Chernobyl and we were like talking about that earlier, but later being like, Oh my God, I can't believe that he compared Chernobyl and for people who are fat and happy. Like, no, I don't know why I got onto that. But anyway, and so, yeah. And so you see me saying in that scene like, Oh, he could have engaged in healthful behaviors if he was interested in his health. Now I would never go up to someone who's had stomach amputation and been like, why you did that wrong?
You should have done this. But the conversation was around like, what is the alternative? And that's why that line came out. So I'm not in the business of offering people my opinion unless they come to me for my opinion or you come to my podcast or you come to my social media and you're there to see what I think. Right. so I'm not in the business of forcing my views on other people and telling people they're wrong for dieting or what doing whatever they want with their bodies. It's got nothing to do with me. But when people promote the dieting is going to give you all of this, you know, magical stuff and money's going to rain down from the sky and all your dreams are going to come true as if you lose as long as you lose 20 pounds or 50 pounds or 200 pounds or whatever.
That's when I have to stand up and call bullshit and say not so much. Sure. And promote a different way or an alternative. Yeah. So next, so this is one that got really, people ruffled that I don't think there's any chance for fat people to ever get diabetes. Obviously, so on the second day, Jack invited in Colin, who was an ambassador representative from diabetes UK. Now as fat people from the time that we have a bigger body, people are saying to us, no, that you are about to spontaneously combust because you're so fat that see, it's pretty likely you're going to die in about 12 minutes, right? We get it from every fucking corner of the world. Every where fat people know that there are potential health outcomes we're a high risk for certain things. Now this is a, that's a very simple statement that I just made is actually a very complex issue and a lot of the researchers is we don't know why, for example, fat people are more likely to get diabetes versus thin people.
We don't know what's going on there. We can't say, Oh, it's because they have more fat on their body. We cannot say that science doesn't know. There's not an answer. If you're unsure about this, go to any diabetes charity webpage and read a little bit about diabetes. So yes, of course fat people get type two diabetes. Of course fat people are more likely to get type two diabetes than straight sized people. We don't know why. Okay, so there's not in contention that fat people get sick and die, like fat people are not, you know, blessed with eternal life, right? Like what the hell do you read it? Some people really think that, I think that fat people just don't die, probably will never get sick. No yeah, that's not reality. But the thing is is should we, what where I struggle with is should we continually be shaming fat people because they're more likely to get diabetes?
Should we be increasing the stigma around type two diabetes as a personal failing, not a very manageable condition. Because really if you do get type two diabetes, the medicine and the technology we have today means it's very manageable. Now, if you do what Collin did, Colin on the show who had his leg amputated, he actually ignored his condition and his diagnosis for 20 years. And so he was diagnosed with diabetes and straight up ignored. It didn't take any medication. And because of that, he had to have his leg amputated. Now it was presented that, and it's very fair mongari presented the, he got diabetes and all of a sudden, because he was, you know, fat ingredient ate loads of chips. Like he said, he had to get his leg amputated, but that wasn't the reality. And that's not the reality for most people living with type two diabetes.
And to make people so terrified that if they eat a candy bar, a Snickers or whatever, that they're going to get diabetes. It's not, it's not based in reality. And that increased shame makes people sick. Like, should we, you know, should we keep fat shaming people on the off chance that they get diabetes when we know shame directly harms and kills fat people? And shame makes fat people fatter. Not that there's anything wrong with being fatter, but if you want fat people to be thinner than don't shame them because you know it's going to have the opposite effect. Now I'm in the various start of the program, we talk about words and I say that the O words which are overweight and obese are slurs. They shouldn't be used. You don't get to see the reasoning behind it. I wrote a really detailed post on Instagram about this.
And so if you want to know more about why the O words are slurs and shouldn't be used, go onto my Instagram @fierce.fatty and look at the post that says the words overweight and obese are slurs and shouldn't be used. Anyway, and in that thing, in that home for discussion, I say I don't believe in the science. Now, a few minutes later, Sarah said to me what do you mean exactly when you say you don't believe in the science? I say, Oh, I don't believe in like the, the science that weight loss companies when weight loss companies pay for studies to be done to show that their diet means that you're going to lose 75,000 pounds in 12 seconds. So that's the science. I don't believe is bullshit science, which is the science that most people don't believe. Right? So, you know, science that is not based in science. I believed in, I believe in science that is based in science. But they don't show that clarification because it sounds better, but I say I don't believe in science, right. That's more interesting. So there is not one single study ever in the history of science of the world to show that a diet works longterm. So diets they, they help you lose weight. Absolutely. They help you lose weight temporarily, but most diets will after between two to five years, you will have put back on the weight at best you will have put back on the weight and more. And also you would have picked up a ton of disordered eating habits and a lower self esteem and shame and all that juicy stuff that we love. Right. so yeah, also what I don't support is the idea that correlation equals causation. That's the whole thing with diabetes. Type two diabetes and fat bodies, like we don't know. The having a fat body is the reason the fat people are more likely to get type two diabetes is a very complicated issue and this is not radical stuff that I'm saying.
It's pretty well established and it's very well known that correlation doesn't equal causation because it's that's just not the way that the world works, right. So next ,there was a scene, Oh my God, there was a scene, right? So I was explaining about body size, privilege, saying that because I have a small medium fat body. So I'm a UK size 20, 22 and a US size 20-22, 20-20, 22- 24. Anyway I know my British does is better anyway, I'm a small-medium fat. That means that I have more privilege in my body. For example, when I go to a restaurant, I know that most chairs I will fit in. There will be some chairs that I will have to say, let's swap this chair because it's like super uncomfortable, but I can still fit in the chair.
There is one store that I can go to and shop for clothes in the local, in the city center, right? So there's one place I can go. People who have bigger bodies will have zero places to go. People who have smaller bodies to me, we'll have more than one place I can go and shop. When I go to a fair ground, I will fit into 90% of the rides. I am probably paid more than people who have bigger bodies and promoted more than people who have bigger bodies. I experienced less discrimination and marginalization. I get less abuse and hate online, although I do get my fair share. Yeah. So it's important to recognize levels of privilege because we want to get the most marginalized folks raised up and lifted up versus given all of our attention to straight size people who say, Oh my look at my tiny little tummy roll or I'm so fat.
So my life is theoretically easier than someone else's life who has a bigger body. Not saying that their life is shit because they have a bigger body. But my life is not necessarily like rainbows and unicorns because I have a smaller body. It just means that they are systems in place to make it a little bit easier for me to live, right. And there's systems in place that makes it who has someone who has a bigger body and a little bit harder to live. Right? And it's all on a scale and everyone is different. There might be other intersections that play with your identity and it's, it's all very complicated. But it's important to recognize that I have privilege in my body anyway. And so I was talking about privilege in my body and then it cuts to a scene of Sarah being like, how can she be so egotistical to think that her body is better than other people's?
And I was just like, ah, I wrote, that's not what privilege means. So privilege is not like, Oh, I'm so fucking gorgeous and new are really fucking ugly. It's got nothing to do with that. But obviously I am gorgeous, but it's got nothing to do with that. It's about access and it's about marginalization. It's about how the world views different bodies, right? So you know, a lot of people see me as a fat woman strutting around and my bikini being like, yeah, look at my fucking juggling wobbly bits and yeah, I want to look in the mirror. And you know, there's a scene where I'm looking at myself in the mirror and I say, Oh, I'm so good looking, you know, tongue in cheek. And that is very jarring for a lot of people to hear that, to hear a fat person say hi, I'm so good looking because we have been told that fat people should be very down on themselves.
They should hate their bodies, they should be grateful for any attention or any reassurance that they get, especially from straight sized people. And they shouldn't be prancing around in a bikini thinking that they are the Mott's nuts. And when we see someone who does think that they're okay does think that their body is good, that does think that their body is attractive in a body that society tells us is not attractive, that is very difficult for some people to deal with. Kind of like has no one to hope his bitch that she's fucking ugly. Like doesn't she know what she looks like? And yeah, I know what I look like and I look fucking gorgeous. I mean, how low have you seen me? So yeah, some people would take that as narcissism and it's not, it's just called self esteem.
It's called not holding onto the shame that I don't need to hold on to, right. That's not my shame to hold. If people think like that about their bodies and then therefore think like that about my body, that's their problem. It's got nothing to do with me, you know? And it's like, if we see a confident guy, we're just like, Oh, he's just confident. And it's to do with sexism as well. Like when we see a confident woman, she's a bitch, right? No, I'm not a batch. Nice. Sometimes maybe I'm a bitch and I think I am. That's not something that I identify with, but yeah, I'm not a narcissist. I'm not egotistical. I'm just someone who has healthy self esteem and is not afraid to say to people, yeah, I'm good looking and what? Right. And what, you know, Jesus, Jesus low weighs us.
All right. Okay. So intuitive eating. Now you hear a very short soundbite of me saying, Oh, am I an intuitive eater? And then Sarah finishing kind of saying, that means that you eat whatever I want. And I say, yeah, that's what it means. I eat whatever I want. Very layman's terms of basically very roughly. It means I eat what I want. You know, to the untrained, yeah, that sounds like high E or whatever I want, fuck the consequences. I guzzle lard milkshakes 24 hours a day. I have an IV into my arm of melted butter and cream and I never eat vegetables. I detest them and I just eat cake for breakfast, like 10 cakes for breakfast because I eat whatever I want, what I want that's diet culture. That's what the opinions from diet culture, that is not what intuitive eating is.
Intuitive eating. The non layman's version is, I mean, I could have done a lot better in that moment. I could have said, yeah, it is eating what I want when I want, but I also, it's what it really means is listening to my body, honoring what it wants and needs. And if that means that I want something fresh, like for example yesterday I wrote down, I have a diary and every day I write down things. One of the questions also what could have made today better? And I was like, you know, more vegetables. And so I've got a hankering at the moment for vegetables. And so I'm making myself broccoli soup tonight because I have a hankering for some green vegetables. But that doesn't make me a good person because I'm listening to my body and my body says I want some green vegetables girl.
And I'm like, okay, you're going to get some. But then you know, I'm gonna maybe tomorrow have a hankering for, I don't know, 20 cakes for breakfast or whatever. So it's listening to our bodies and it's healing that relationship that we have fucked up through diet culture. Its I think it's so rare that someone is not fucked up through diet culture really, really just to find an intuitive eater in the wild who, who hasn't been taught how to be an intuitive eater who, because we are all born intuitive eater babies are intuitive eaters, right? You know, you don't hear a baby like crying and then being like, do you know what actually it was, it was two hours ago that I ate and really I should be in every three hours and so I'm not going to leave it for an hour and then eat in an hour because that's when I should be hungry, right. The baby is just like, no, I'm fucking hungry. I don't care. It's two in the morning. Don't care that I ate two hours ago or one hour ago, or I just ate and throw up, gave me some more food. Please. Thank you. Going to go to sleep. I feel good, put on my pants. So, you know, we're born intuitive eaters and then it's hammered out of us with all of the, Oh, you must eat greens and don't leave the dinner table until you clean your play. And, you know, forcing children to eat more than what they want and they, you know, getting children to not listen to their bodies because you know, children know when they've had enough and it's all of our bullshit saying Oh yeah, broccoli is good, but it didn't taste very nice. We're just reinforcing that by saying, eat your greens, eat your greens or this chocolate is a treat.
We're really putting chocolate on a pedestal or whatever it is. We're putting on a pedestal and we're teaching them that vegetables are bad and well, you know, that's just one example. We do it through loads of different ways. We you know, fuck up kids and continue to buy into this diet culture bullshit as adults as well. So yeah, it's repeat, it's intuitive eating is healing our relationship with food and getting to a place where we listen to our bodies when it says I'm hungry. We do our best to eat when it says I've had enough, we say, do I want to continue eating because this thing is delicious or do I feel good? Do I feel satiated? And listening to that and not feeling like, Oh my God, I need to eat more of this thing than I actually want because I'm scared.
I'm never going to get it again because it's a quote unquote bad food. So intuitive eating basically is eating like you've never been fucked up by diet culture. Okay. So the last point that I want you to make was, you see in there's a scene where we read this survey that people have about there's a survey that people would have about, you know, people live in fat bodies. Like should we fat people, a burden on the NHS and bullshit like that? And one of the points was like, Oh, we should teach kids more about the fact that they're going to die any second if they're fat. And I was like, nah, maybe not. I don't think continuing to shame kids is a good idea. And then one of the lines I say is, I'm teaching kids about food increases the risk of eating disorders.
Now what I mean is that the vast majority of the ways in which we currently teach kids and adults about food is steeped in diet, culture and fear-mongering. Right? and we teach kids about good food and bad food. And you know, like this whole new fucking weight Watchers bullshit teaching kids about like red foods and don't eat too many of the red foods and the red foods being bad and the green foods being good and you can eat more of the green foods. And Oh my God, it's so fucked up. And you know, as what, as portion control and any other rules it's actively harming them, right. I bet you so many people fat people have this and I know, I know so many fat people have that story of, of learning their stuff from our caregivers saying, Oh, you must, Oh well don't eat too many of those chips. Oh yeah. And it just teaches disordered eating. It teaches us not to trust our bodies, not to trust ourselves because we cut, we cannot control ourselves around certain foods because they are addictive. Food isn't addictive. But that's the, the, the message that we're giving kids versus teaching kids about food in an intuitive eating way. So making it fun and not saying, Oh, you should eat your vegetables because they're better for you when you shouldn't eat this thing cause it's bad for you. But saying things like, vegetables give you energy or vegetables help your, you know, eyes grow and making, making it up.
But educating in a way that is not based in shame and saying you know, letting them eat dessert. Before dinner, you know, like giving the whole meal at once and just letting children eat what they want. Like you, you decide if you want to raise an intuitive eating child look into Ellyn Satter. But it's a whole thing of you, a division of responsibility. You provide the food and then they choose what they eat and you provide the food and it might mean giving them the dessert with dinner and not making the dessert, the treat and seeing what happens. And you know, that's how you raise an intuitive eating child is you know, teaching them without shame and being curious with them and just letting them do their own thing. You provide the food and let them do their own thing.
So so teaching kids in the way that we currently teach them is absolutely encouraging eating disorders and disordered eating patterns and low self esteem and all sorts of negative things. And so we need to reform the way that we talk to children about food. And so what would be really cool is if we had health at every size, haze, haze informed non diet dietitians or nutritionists teach intuitive eating and how to have food piece. And this includes eating foods that we F that make us feel good both physically and emotionally. Maybe that would undo the harm that we have already caused our children in this fat phobic society. So they're the main points. Like, whew, it's been like a month since the show came out and I'm still getting hate mail. It's incredible. Like some people are block them on Instagram because they're like, why are you and I blocked them and then they'll email me or they'll find me somewhere else and they'll be like, you blocked me, listen to my ran.
And they'll send me like paragraphs of bullshit. It's just mind marketing. Like one person was like, I'm thin, and you saying that you like your fat, fat body is wrong because you're telling thin people that they shouldn't like their thin body. And my bitch, Jesus, a fat person says, I like having a fat body, chill, thin fragility. Oh my God. Yeah. But what really gets on my tits is, is people being like, Oh, you don't think that people ever get sick? And I'm like, no, I don't, but what? No, I don't believe that. Yeah. So it's, it's people hating me for things I don't believe, which is difficult for me because I'm absolutely ready to take a stand for the things I do believe in. But the portrayal of body positivity as this kind of extremist anti-health movement is very damaging towards people who are trying to love themselves because they, they're like, I don't want to be an extremist.
I want to look after my health. I don't want to die. And unfortunately, the show for some people portrayed body positivity as a quote-unquote cult. And even one of the people, Sarah, said there are Colts when we all know the real cult is diet culture. Yeah. But genuinely, like we in the house, everyone got along apart from, there was one person that shall remain nameless that no one really liked because they were really inappropriate, would say inappropriate things, would stare at the women's tits all the time, shouted at the producers, was like really unreasonable, would go on long monologues and was just basically a massive creep. And I was like, well, I can't wait to see how this person is edited. And then I watch a show and I'm like, huh, they're not in it. Well you didn't get to see any of the creepy stuff and annoying stuff.
And what the hell I'm pretty portrayed as have it in my what. Oh my God. Which was a surprise. Anyway, so I am hopefully next episode going to get on the rest of the body positive crew from the show because obviously we all love each other. Incredible. So that's David the plus size male model. He is a fucking, Oh my God. Dreamboat Miranda, the plus size sex worker. She is also a TEDx speaker, comedian podcast host. Incredible. Courtney known as body palsy bell on Instagram. She is just so, she's so funny. She's like, she was eehhh that's what she says. And kind and smart and just a great human being. And so next episode we are hopefully fingers crossed going to get us four together and we're going to have a little chinwag about the episode and share our views in a way that's not edited to make us look like we are unhinged or unreasonable or whatever.
So fingers crossed we can get all four of us together for a nice little nicer about all of that juiciness. And just this week I, well last week was approached by Huffington post to write an article on intuitive eating. So I'm going to link that in the show notes. So that is fiercefatty.com/007 for episode seven. I'll link the article. It's pretty amazing. So yeah, Huffington post approached me and I wrote this piece for them and Evelyn Tribole, one of the founders of intuitive eating actually shared it on social media. So you know, it was good. Oh yeah, no big of like an amazing, I was like, Oh my God. The founder of intuitive eating things that my writing is good and not a big pile of shit enough to share on their social media.
So yay. Yeah. So to read the article, go to fiercefatty.com/007 or check out the show notes where I'll have the the link in there so you don't need to type it out. And a reminder to leave me a review and before you submit your review, take a screenshot sent, send it to me- victoria@fiercefatty.com. I'm going to send you as a thank you a audio and digital version of my ebook bestselling book Fierce Fatty because you wrote can you deserve some love for spreading the love about this podcast. And bonus bonus points share that you are listening on social media and I'll put you in the draw to win one of five Fierce Fatty cups, mugs, drinking equipment, drinking solution. Anyway, it says Facebook is amazing. I have one. Yeah. So share on social media and tag me that you are listening to this episode and yeah, I'll put you into win one of those mugs. All right. Okay.
So thank you for hanging out with me today as I spilled the beans or beans on. Who are you calling fat? The BBC two documentary that I was in. And a reminder, if you do want to watch it, of course massive trigger warning if you do want to watch it. There is heavy use of the O words. There's obviously fat phobic fuckery. There is shaming that there's also radical bits of fat positivity and it'd be cool if someone just cut out all of the, all of the fat phobic fuckery and just had the fat positivity in so people could watch it and not be exposed to that. But if you're feeling up for it then then check it out. If not, then don't because it could be triggering for you. I know it was triggering for me being in the house with the fat phobes for 10 days. I needed a big old break afterwards and to be surrounded by fat positive people.
Before we go, I want to share a fact about me, Victoria Welsby. That's my name and my fact today is that I have a dog called Dougal and he is so fucking cute. I love him so much. He looks like a miniature border Collie mixed with a puppy arm. He's a mutt. I got him from a rescue in San Bernardino in the US I think he came across from Mexico, then he was flown into Canada where I got him. He's in Ireland with me last cause I mean Arden for the year and he is black and white and yeah, he looks like a border Collie, but with a puppy on tail and puppy on ears. He knows he knows a lot of tricks like speak and ringing a bell, like a bell for food. He's really clever. And he snuggles with me at night time. Oh my God, I love him so much. And I've had him for about five years, so he's, I think he's about six years old and he is almost always at my feet when I'm recording this podcast or recording videos or doing any type of work because he follows me around like a creep and I can lose that he's obsessed with me. But honestly it's me who's obsessed with him because he really, really is fantastic for my mental health. And when I'm without him for any type any time at all, I'm like, Oh, I need to see him and stroke him and stuff. So, yep. Dougal, the little dog, the miniature border Collie looking puppy on the thing. And he's my little buddy. He's my little, my son. Yeah. So that's in fact about me today is I have a dog and I love him. He's called Dougal.
All right. Thank you for hanging out with me today and being a part of the Fierce Fatty Revolution.You rock. Obviously. And I will see you on the next episode my fierce fatty. Okay. Good bye!
EP6 Transcript
You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm Victoria Welsby, TEDx speaker, bestselling author, and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self-esteem to being a courageous and confident Fierce Fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living in a fat body is bad, but what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century. So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty Podcast. Let's begin.
You're listening to episode six of the Fierce Fatty Podcast, and today we're talking about how to deal with dieting friends. Let's get into it.
So by the time this episode comes out, it's going to be about six weeks until the winter holiday season, the day and around this time we tend to spend a lot of time with family or people we don't see that often. And so this podcast episode is going to be super beneficial because we're talking about how to deal with people when they're talking about diets when they're talking about, Oh my God, I just started this new Keto thing and I've lost 7,000 pounds in 12 minutes and it's amazing. You should do it because you're so fat and things like that. Hopefully, you don't have relatives or friends who say those exact things to you, but you never know. So this podcast is all based on a question that I got from a listener. And so the question is, what can I say to my thin or thinner than me friends when I feel offended or annoyed by their negative food talk or when they blame moods on sugar? So that is from Elisa and we're going to get deep into what to do when that happens because it's a big one, right? When we've decided that we don't want to diets, we don't want to be around people who were talking about that shit.
Before we get into that, I want to remind you to subscribe to this podcast on whatever podcast provider you're listening to and to leave a review because if you leave a review, if you send me a screenshot of the review before you submit it and email it to me, victoria@fiercefatty.com. I'm going to send you an audio and digital version of my best selling book, which is called Fierce Fatty: Love your Body and Live like the Queen you Already Are. And that is what every single human being that leaves a review. So yeah, do that. You can leave a review on Spotify or Apple podcasts and I'm gonna send you the juiciness, which is my best selling book as a thank you for sharing the love and bonus, bonus points. If you share on social media that you are listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast and tag me if you have a public profile, then I'll be able to see that tag. If you don't, then I won't be able to see that tag, but tag me and I will put you in the draw for a Fierce Fatty mug. So you can declare to the world that you are a fierce fatty. You don't give a fuck what they think about your body, so do that and we've got a download that goes along with this episode and that is at fiercefatty.com/006, fiercefatty.com/006 for the show notes and you can also go there and there'll be a button for you to ask a question.
This podcast is brought to you by Fierce Fatty Academy. Fierce Fatty Academy is my incredible and life-changing e-course, which is only available to enroll in sporadically throughout the year. Fierce Fatty Academy is all about stepping into your power and knowing for certain that you are a fierce, strong, worthy human in all your body's glory. I will teach you my secrets, but changing your limiting negative self-beliefs about your fat body and empower you to finally feel in control around food knowing you'll never diet again. Fierce Fatty Academy is open for enrollment on November the 5th, 2019, but for a matter of days only. For more details and to get on the waitlist, go to www.fiercefatty.com/academy. That's www.fiercefatty.com/academy.
So this question from Elisa is a really great question. I get asked this a lot and it is very difficult. I gotta tell you this was one of the last things that I was able to do was to respond in a way that felt good when people were talking about their diet. But since I started doing that, it's been a lot easier and is actually one of the cornerstones of me having higher self-esteem of me having a deep sense of self-worth. And so the answer, in short, we can do this all at this whole episode with one word. Let me just read the question again and I'm going to give you the one-word answer and then I'm going to explain better than just one word. The question again is, what can I say to my thin or thinner than my friends when I feel offended or annoyed by their negative food talk or when they blame moods on sugar from Elisa?
So the one-word response is boundaries. Boundaries. I have you said to me if I asked this question years ago and someone said, boundaries, I've let blah, nope. Boundaries. Aah outta here, no thanks. What is this? Nope, not setting boundaries. No, cause I used to think about boundaries as they were these horrific conversations where you'd have to be like," Duh, this is how I'm feeling". And then the person would be like, fuck you, you piece of shit. How dare you say something to me? And then I would be like, oh, I'm so sorry. And it would just go terribly and there was no point. And you know, I was too scared to even speak up and say, how was thinking of feeding. Anyway, that was my thoughts on boundaries. But let me share what, what boundaries actually are. So personal boundaries are guidelines, rules, or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits.
So that is from Wikipedia, defining what personal boundaries are. And so in super simple layman's terms, it's like, say if you live in a house or an apartment, the walls of your abode of where you live, they are literal walls that say to people, this is my space. And so imagine if you were just hanging out in your living room watching a TV show and someone just walked in and they're like, alright, as it goes and I'm just gonna make myself a cup of tea. You are like, what the fuck? Who are you? Get out of here. You'll probably be like, Oh my God, are they going to rob me? Or whatever. But in this ridiculous example, let's pretend you knew they were and they'll just say, I'm just going to make a cup of tea. Oh, I'm gonna make myself a sandwich as well and get cozy on the sofa with you.
And this is not someone that you want in your house, you would most likely say to them, "Get out. Go to your own house and make your own sandwich." I'm watching TV on my own. Thank you. And it'd be really easy for you to usher them out of the house and lock the door and be like more fucking, what the heck! What happened there? But in our normal day to day life, we have these boundaries that are invisible limits where we feel like it's okay for people to go and for the things that they say and people cross them. And instead of reacting in a way to keep ourselves safe, which is lots of different ways that you could do that, we instead do the equivalent of a random stranger walking into our house says, Oh, I'm just going to make a cup of tea and make myself a sandwich. Put my feet up. Can you give me a foot rub? And what a lot of the time we do is we just say, Oh, okay. But secretly inside we're like, who the fuck is this motherfucker? What do you mean foot rub? Does he think that I'm a slave? Am I a servant? But, you know outside our attitude is, Oh yeah. Yeah, I don't mind. I used to do this all the time, so people used to cross my boundaries all the time and I would never say anything to them. And you might be thinking, well, what's wrong with that?
So let me read you a little bit from positivepsychology.com, our boundaries might be rigid, loose, somewhere in between, or even non-existent. A complete lack of boundaries may indicate that we don't have a strong identity or are enmeshed with someone else. Healthy boundaries can serve to establish one's identity. Specifically, healthy boundaries can help people define their individuality and can help people indicate what they will or will not hold themselves responsible for.
So that's from positivepsychology.com and so healthy boundaries are good for us as humans. If you don't have healthy boundaries, you will have unhealthy and unfulfilling relationships and you'll struggle to make deep connections. You carry resentment and anger and you'll just be quietly pissed off with people who you probably like or you love and they love you. But you are seeding inside because they said that thing and they keep saying that thing. And why do they keep doing it? So annoying. But have you ever told them that it's inappropriate or annoying or upsetting to you or makes you mad? Have you, maybe you have. And if you have, then we're going to talk about that as well in this episode. The way that I see it now is that boundaries, setting boundaries really are a gift. Really, truly. Now what I mean about that, what I mean with that is that I would, like I said, keep people, you know, not tell them how I was really feeling. And then I'd go back and talk to another friend about them being like, Oh, can you believe they did this? And said that, Oh, what a bitch. And would never say how I was really feeling. And so, therefore, that person could never get close to me, truly get close to me because I had put up this wall of not communicating what I really thought and felt and say, if this person genuinely wants to be my friend, they're dude and they can never really be close to me. And so by saying to them, Hey, that thing that you said really made me feel like X, Y, Z, you're allowing them to get to know the real you, to love you, to build connection and trust. And it's also the opportunity to work out who is not right to be in your life, depending on how they respond.
And so for me, boundaries in the past have been very, very scary. And still, it can be scary for me to set boundaries because you don't know how the other person's gonna react. Now, in my experience, most people react like average human beings. And if you say, Hey, that thing is upsetting me. They say, Oh, I didn't know. Okay, well I'll stop saying it, or whatever it is they say. So I will go into what to say exactly as well. So don't worry, I'm not just going to be like, just tell them. I'm going to give you some, some things to say. So how you react to a situation like this, your friends talking about dieting and sugar and all that sort of bullshit is completely up to you. It's your decision and how you react. Okay? Brene Brown said the most compassionate people are also the most boundaried.
So the way that you react is totally up to you but recognize there's going to be a way that you can react that is gonna serve you better in the long term than other ways that you could react. So when you're having negative feelings, when you're around someone, it's probably because they are encroaching on your personal values. All right? So we all have values. You might not know your values to say them out. Like my values are this, this this. But you have, we all have values. You know about how we want to behave, what we value in ourselves, what we value in others. And everyone's values are different, right? And so your friends talking about their diets, it's probably pushing on one of your values or some or many of your values. And that is why it's making you have a negative reaction.
So for example, if someone started talking about dieting, a friend talking around about dieting around me, it would encroach on my personal values of authenticity and curiosity. And so these are two of my values. So authenticity is it's important for me to be authentic. And so in that moment, if a friend was talking about their diet and I didn't say something, it would not be authentic of me unless the situation is, it's, you know, it's just around a person that I'm like, Oh, diet, I'd just be like, whatever, see you later. But if it was someone I cared about and I wanted to establish a good relationship, my authentic reaction would be like, mm, no thanks. I'm not into of dieting. And as well, curiosity, so it's important for me to be curious and it's important for those around me who I prefer to surround myself with people who are curious, who are interested in learning about about society and being the best person they can be. And for me, I see dieting is really old fashioned. Like, Oh, it doesn't feel it. This is the world I'm in now, right? I've just find it so bizarre that when someone says that they're going on a diet, I'm just like, aren't we in 2019 now? Like it's almost 2020 and we over diet. Doesn't everyone know they don't work? And so it would be encroaching on my curiosity because they wouldn't have necessarily displayed curiosity to understand about diet, culture, bullshit and things like that. And so that's why it might feel bad for me. It might feel bad for you for other reasons, but understand it's encroaching on something that is core about you as a person.
And so it's important. It's really, really alluminating. Something important and you're having a reaction because it's a part of your identity of who you are. And so you can do a few things, so here are your options. There's many, many, many options. You could do anything you want. But here in a nutshell, here are the things that you can do. So what are the options you could do is do nothing. Listen to your friends. Talk about their, you know, we're eating worms that we found in the garden die and rubbing poo onto our faces and that's our new diet. And it's great and we've lost 50,000 pounds in the last 12 seconds and you can go, yeah, great. Oh, sounds interesting. Yeah. And in your brain, you're like, you, you fuck, I can't fucking believe this. You're eating worms. You put poo on your face. What? What are you doing? Don't you know this won't work? Don't you know the diet is a bullshit or God want you to stop talking about this rubbish. It's so boring. So that is what your brain is saying, but your mouth is saying nothing and your head is maybe nodding or your mouth is saying, Oh yeah, maybe I'll try that or whatever. And so that is an option, that's an absolutely viable option. And you might choose to do that because it's not safe to say anything because you don't give a shit about the person. So for example, here is an example of me not doing anything. Oh actually kind of doing something but then choosing not to do anything about a boundary that had been crossed. So here's an story about how not doing something worked for me. And so not doing something is a good option.
Okay. So one time it was Christmas and we went round a friend's house, me and my then boyfriend and we decorated gingerbread houses and it was all very Christmasy and then people started, more, people started coming around and people were drinking and stuff and we started playing a card game and we're all sat around in the living room playing this card game, having the best time. And one of the guests, there was other guests there. I had said, I've got this card and it had read something about someone bitch slapping someone and being a Brit, I didn't know. Maybe it's just me. Maybe Brits do know. But I said, what does bitch slapping mean? And immediately this person, she jumped out of a seat, she straddled me and I'm sitting on my seat and slapped me across the face. And I was like, what the fuck?
I'm not one for, you know, be will touching me, you know, slapping me like I'm not into, I don't think anyone is really but it was really a personal boundary. Like, bro, like alarms are going off physically. She's in my space. She sat on my lap and then she just slapped me and she was like, that is what a bitch slap is. And then she started laughing and immediately I said, don't ever touch me again. And you could see everyone was like, Oh my God, I can't believe she just did that. And I can't remember what happened next, but I think we carried on with the game. And my friend who was sat next to me was like, wow, you responded so well to that. And I just felt uncomfortable with this whole situation. And so I said to my partner at the time, I said, let's leave and so we left. A few weeks or months later, we bumped into this person with her partner and I was like, Oh fuck now, cause she wasn't a friend of mine. She's like friends or friends. And she was like, Hey, how are you doing? And I kind of made small talk but I had already decided that at that point I was not going to pursue any type of relationship with her and also wouldn't go to any events that she was at also because I didn't want anything like that happening again. And we kind of made small talk and then we left and as we left she turned around and slapped me on the bum and like see I get like sometimes playful pats on the bum, you know, between friends it would be fine, although my friends don't hit me on the bum, she probably slapped me on the bum and even if it was soft. I had previously told her don't ever touch me again. And I decided at that moment instead of being like taking it to the next level and the next level would be to use more of my voice to say, Hey, I've told you do not touch me. Okay. So that would be the next level. Cause you know, the previous level was me saying do not touch me in a strong voice. And at that moment, I decided, you know what, I'm not interested in reasserting my boundary with her. I will never see her again. Hopefully, I don't bump into her in the street. And if I do, I decided I will not talk to her at all. Like, oh, I'm not going to make small talk with her. And so at that moment, I decided to do nothing, just walk on and be like to my partner, can you believe it?
She just smacked my bum, what the hell? So she had poor personal boundaries herself because she thought it was okay to get into someone else's personal. We didn't really know each other. We may maybe meet a couple of times before that party. So that's an example of doing nothing. Now say if I wanted to be friends with her doing nothing at that moment or following on like we could have had a conversation and I could have been like, listen, you snapped me in the face. Why I'd want to be friends with something like this. I wouldn't, but you slap me in the face, you hit my bottom. I know that you were trying to be playful and funny or whatever you were trying to do, but that is not okay with me and I would establish a boundary moving forward. But because I didn't want to be friends with her, because clearly, her boundaries were not well established and in place of knowing that was not appropriate, I decided to let it go and just be like, wow, that was a person with bad boundaries that I met.
So there's kind of good and bad on doing nothing. You have to work out. Do you want to be friends with that person moving forward? If you do, then you're gonna wanna set a boundary. If you don't, you can just let it go and be like, Whoa, don't want to be friends on that person. If you aren't going to be friends with them and you don't set a boundary, it's going to build resentment. You're going to get angry and it's going to damage your mental health. And we don't want friendships that damage our mental health. Sometimes shit happens, right? But overall we want to have friendships. It goes both ways of being joyful and filled with love and all that type of juicy stuff. Okay?
So the next thing that you can do is remove yourself from the situation. And so this could also be something where you're not actually saying anything, but you remove yourself physically from the room. And so say you're in the living room talking with your family and they're like, oh, I'm gonna just do this new diet. You can be like, I'm just going to pop to the toilet. You're going to pop to the washroom or just walk away and just situate yourself somewhere else. That is another thing that you can do. You can also remove yourself in regards to removing yourself from the friendship, from the relationship. So cutting the relationship off and so you're removing yourself from their life, that is another option. But if, say in the family example where you're just going to walk away, you will have had to decide, is that the right thing for me in regards to my own mental health? Am I actually going to be seeding afterwards and be like, I can't believe it. They ruined Christmas by talking about this.
Would it be better for you to actually say something or is it, you know, weird aren't Doris and there's no point in saying anything to her. So you don't want any drama. You just gonna walk and it's not going to affect you that much because you've not told, you know your weird aren't. But you know, putting cabbage up your bum is not actually something that's going to help you lose weight. So that is another option.
Another option is to set a boundary casually. And so you can be playful with boundaries. It doesn't always have to be serious. And sitting down and being like, you hurt my feelings. Although it can be, and that is also beneficial. But you could do something like if your friends are talking about diet bullshit, you can do something like, Hey, you lot don't remember diet talk is so 2016, can we not? And kind of make a joke out of it and being like, Oh my God, diet talk is so boring. Oh yeah. Something that my sister does to me and it's hilarious sometimes. Say if I'm talking about something boring, she'll just start snoring and close her eyes and make a head not off and its so funny. So I'll be halfway through a sentence being like, Oh, did you know blah, blah blah. And then she would just go and we would just burst, burst out laughing. And it's kind of a nice way to say like, shut up, you've bored me now. And it's, it's nice, right? Because we're both, you know, neither one of us is offended if I sometimes I'll do that to her. If I can remember to try and be funny but it's not an aggressive, like, stop doing that. You're making me feel sad or mad or whatever. Not that you would a lot of the times be doing that anyway when you're setting a boundary.
So is there anything that you can come up with which might be more lighthearted to navigate their behavior and you could say, Hey, this is so like, Oh my God, this is so 2016 like hello and they might not listen to you and they might ignore you. And at that point you might decide that you want to set a clear boundary, as I saying something like, Oh, Hey, diey talk is so 2016 is not really a very clear boundary, but you're kind of throwing it out there that you're not okay with this, but it's not explicit, right. And so a clear boundary would be something like, here is a story that I want to share you, share with you. About a boundary that I set, so I was working at this company maybe, I don't know, six years ago. And I was brought in as a talent acquisition manager and it was a startup company. And so you know those desks everywhere, you didn't have your own office. And so I was opposite, this guy who was in a different department and he wasn't a manager. From the very first day that I came into this company, he was like sussing me out. And like from the day one he was like, manager, huh? Well how did you get that job? And I was like, in my head I was like, what motherfucker? What'd you mean? How do I get this job? Because I'm a fucking badass bitches, why? But you know, first day at a new company you don't want to be like throat punching people. And so I would just let it go and he was just a massive balland basically he would be rude to everyone and make them feel really uncomfortable.
He was very domineering and we were out in an open plan environment. He would just be always speaking up and telling people, you know, being a dick and one time and I be going home and saying to my then boyfriend, I can't believe this guy. He said this to me today and he said that to me today. Oh my God, this is blah blah blah blah. And then one day he said to me, you should be ashamed of yourself. I can't remember what it was about, but I just remember that line. You should be ashamed of yourself for something. And, I was like, no, I'm done. And so I had a conversation with my therapist and I was like, I'm done. What do I do? Oh my God. I just say, Hey, this guy, I want to like have a fist fight with him.
And we decided, okay, we need to set a boundary. And so the next day at work or whenever it was, the next day after the therapist appointment, I just can't you through it through the day. I said to him, Hey do you mind if we go to the back? The back was like the only private place, like literally some corridor. Do you want me to go to the back for a quick chat? And in front of the whole room, he was like, Ihhhhh, Victoria wants to take me to the back for a quick chat. She's probably going to try and have sex with me. This guy was such a knob, but just even that, you know, he was a knob. And I was just like, Oh, fucking. And so he's like, okay, we'll go to the back. And so we went to the back. And so what I did was I shared with him my story. And so I wanted to share with him a little bit about my story. So he understood where I was coming from and I wanted to make this about me and not about him. Because if I made it about him, I thought that it would not be the right strategy. And so I said, Hey, I just wanted to share something with you about me that you might not know. And so in my, you know, I was homeless and I was abused and you know, my dad was an alcoholic and blah, blah, blah. All of the the story which you can hear in episode two if you're curious and you haven't heard it. And then I said, and so when you say things to me like this, XYZ, you should be ashamed of yourself or whatever.
It's very difficult for me to hear and it reminds me of being in those situations, which were not good for me. So do you think that you could avoid saying those types of things to me in the future? He was like, Oh my God, I am so sorry. I didn't know, I won't do that anymore. Can we hug it out? How to hug? And we kind of ended on a happy note, went back to the office. He was like, Oh, she didn't try and have sex with me, idiot. And I'm never more, not once ever did he say anything to me ever again. That was rude. In fact, he was very pleasant to me. I wouldn't say he was nice because he was a knob. He was a complete knob to everyone else but not to me because I told him in a nice way, listen up here motherfucker. I'm standing for your fucking bullshit.
Now, I didn't have to give him any kind of backstory. I could just say, can you stop saying that thing? But because we'd been working together for probably a few months and understanding his personality I thought that was the best way to do it. And so it doesn't have to be a big sit down thing. You can just say, say if your friends are talking about their diet, you can just say, Hey I don't know if you know this, but I've actually started on this journey of repairing my relationship with food and healing myself because we live in this diet culture and it's really damaged the way that I relate to food. And something that I would like to do is remove all of the diet talk out of my life and I was curious if you could help me with this. And your friend would probably say, yes, I'd love to help you.
And you'd say, great. The way that you could help me is when you're around me. Can you not mention about diets or food or sugar or any type of moralizing around food and I really appreciate it. I really appreciate you. This is so helpful for me. If you could do that, thank you so much and your friend will probably be like, yeah, this is great. I'm going to help you. And hopefully because there are good friends, they do want to help you and it's true. This is what's happening. You are repairing your relationship and hearing that type of stuff is difficult. Even now, like if I hear stuff like that, I'm just like, Oh God, no, it is damaging towards my mental health. And so you're allowing your friend to help you continue with your journey and help you grow.
Now your friend could be like, what? What's your problem? I'm not doing that. And you know, that is, that is beautiful if they say that because it means they're not the type of friend that you want in your life unless you want to continue working on this and I don't know what you could do. If a friend doesn't want to respect a boundary, then no friend really, really they know friend and the same goes for family. Even, you know, people very close to you, even your parents, if they can't accept a boundary, then you know that you're going to have boundaries because they have poor boundaries and they are not the type of person that you want in your life. So you're gonna do this first thing and it's going to be scary or it might not. You're going to say to your friends, friend, friends you're going to set a boundary in some way if that's what you decided to do.
Okay. And you don't have to. They 99, 90, who knows? I'm making up percentages. Chances are they are gonna break that boundary, especially if it's something that they've been doing for a long time and it's something less in their life and it's something that has been okay around you in the past, like talking about diets. Before you might have engaged in diet talk. I know when I was dieting, I was like the first one in there being like, Oh my God, did you know the air has 17 calories? And so we should stop breathing so much because then we won't be fat. And I God, right, I'd be the one. And so it would be absolutely normal and okay for my friends to be like, Oh my God, did you hear about this? And I would normally previously have loved that conversation. And so if I all of a sudden came out of the blue and said, Hey, I'm not cool with that anymore, they would probably forget or not take me seriously.
Okay. And so this is where the hard work comes in. I know that conversation was hard, but what you need to do is when they slip up, and they probably will because they're a human being and they're not slipping up, most likely than not slipping up to be a dick. Sometimes they might be but generally it's just part of their brain. It's their normal way to speak and if they need help in remembering what your boundary is. And so you have to say, Hey, remember on Wednesday we spoke about X, Y,Z , and just make it lie. You don't have to be like, you, motherfucker, you went over my boundary and I hate you when this have a fist fight outside. Just like, Oh Hey, you remember that? And they'll be like, they'll probably be like, Oh shit. Yeah, sorry. And you were like, yeah, no problem.
Anyway. Did you see that new Netflix show? Or they might react in a negative way. Oh, he's still going on about this. And what is that? That is a gift. It's telling you something about them as a person. Do you want a person like this in your life who cannot respect your boundaries? No, you do not. Of course you can work on that stuff. Right? And this might go on, depending on the relationship, it may go on for a long time. So as an example, my mum, used to be, used to talk about kind of weight stuff a lot, and many years ago I said, Hey, I'm not down with talking about this anymore. Can you not talk about fat as a negative? Yes, no problem. I won't do that. Now, up until that point, it would been literally decades of us having the relationship where it was okay to talk about that stuff and because I wanted and want a relationship going on with my mum when she would slip up and she wasn't doing it because she was like, I know I was going to rip fuck call Victoria today when I talk about this person's diet, this already gala.
And so when she did, I would say, Hey, remember? And she'd be like, Oh, Oh yeah, I'm so sorry. And the incidences would go from quite often to less and less and less. And now this still might be something, but she catches herself and she'll say, Oh, not that. That's good. Like I'm dancing, what is it called? That dancing show that's on BBC. If you're in the UK dancing, dancing, dancing with celebrities, I don't know. You can let me know. Come dance with me? Come dance with me, come dance with us? Come dance with me? Anyway. And she said, Oh, what are the sniper easiest lost like loads of weight since the start of the show because he's been so much dancing. And I was like, hmmmm and she was, and she could tell she's like, Oh yeah, that was a weight thing.
And I was like, Oh, he must, he must be really hungry or whatever. And so it's less and less now to the point where it's not really even an issue. Now. Someone else who was behaving like that, if I wasn't necessarily wanting a relationship with them, I might have decided that that was not okay for me. And whatever you decide is best for you is absolutely fine. It's okay to call off relationships with people who we've been told is not okay to cut off relationships with like close family members, parents. It's not your job to be in a toxic relationship, that's not okay. And so now the way that I express boundaries can be, can really vary from day to day. So on Instagram, I have a boundary of, I don't let O words, obese and overweight beyond my Instagram cause it's a fat positive place and those words are slurs.
And so when someone uses an O word on my Instagram and my comments, I will, what I'll normally do is if they're, if I can clearly see that they're not a troll and they something like, if they say something, Oh my God yeah, blah, blah, blah, obesity or whatever, I'll message them and comment back and be like, yeah, absolutely blah, blah blah. By the way, we don't use O words in a fat positive space like this because they're slurs and maybe a heart or something to show that I'm not angry and that is me setting a boundary. I don't want to see those words come up in my feed or my page. That is my boundary. Now sometimes people say, Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize. Yeah, that's fine. Someone said to me yesterday, why are they slurs? And for me that kind of pushed my boundary a bit too much because they were asking me to educate them for free emotional labor.
And it's okay if you want to but you don't have to and at that time I was like, nah, I don't want to educate this person. So I just said, Google can tell you, which is true. Literally cuckoo can tell you like, I'm not here to educate you, although sometimes I might want to educate you because sometimes I do want to you know, continue that conversation. But yesterday I wasn't in the mood and especially because they were a thin person or their profile suggested that they were a thin person, I kinda thought, you know, they don't seem to be valuing my labor in this exchange because they weren't like, Oh my God, I didn't realize I'm so sorry. Like, could you maybe explain a bit more about that then I probably feel more inclined to explain to them my point of view about them.
So I could also decide to just delete the comment. If someone just used the word, I could just be like, you know what? They've crossed a boundary and my response is to delete the comment. It's my choice. It's my page, right? And so when someone does cross your boundary and you've clearly stated your boundaries and they've done it, and they could just do it once and you could say, you know what, that's enough. I'm done. Or they could do it a few times and you can be like, okay, that's it. I'm done. You need to do something. When they cross your boundary, you can't just be like, Oh wow. Because it's a pointless boundary. If you do not, there's no consequence. You know, think about kids when you like, Hey, don't do that thing. If you do, then this thing's going to happen. Something negative is going to happen if you, you know, don't bite your baby brother. And then they bite their baby brother and you're like, I told you not to bite your baby brother, and you did. And they're like, hmmm, there's no, you know, reason why they wouldn't want to do it again. Baby brother tastes nice or whatever it is they're doing. You know, there has to be a consequence and then they can learn that behavior is unwanted and adults are just the same. And so the consequence could be that you just like, do you know what? I'm going to leave actually you know, I'm not mad, but I'm just not into this conversation, you know, so I'll check you out next time. So you could just leave you could just go into a different room. Say if you're with your family or you can say, Hey, I'm going to take some space for you because you've broken that boundary again.
And I'm not feeling good about this. And so I'm going to take some space for you and you can decide I'm not going to talk to them for a week or whatever. Take whatever space you need from them. Or you can say, you know what, this relationship is not for me and you can end the relationship. So the decision is yours but you need to have something in place when they do cross your boundary. Because if you don't say anything, you might as well have never had that boundary conversation to begin with. It would have been a waste of your breath. And it's actually a negative thing if you might as well definitely not have said anything because they know, okay, when when this person says, Hey, this is really serious for me, this is important that you're not really being serious and it means that they can disrespect you even more.
And we want to have relationships where, you know, we're mutual respect and kindness and all that type of stuff. And so with boundaries, I used to always think, Oh my God, people are going to explode in my face because of my past and being abused. That was my reality of people exploding if I ever asked for anything reasonable. And so I had to practice this. I had to start small and say, Hey, do you think that you could, you know, I'd be like, what do you think? Maybe you could, and it'd be something tiny like, Oh, could you maybe not wear your shoes in my house? Maybe all of them, sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Don't hate me. And practice and then move up to the bigger stuff and the scary stuff. And honestly, it feels so fucking good to say, Oh, Hey, we don't do that.
Or we don't say that or, you know, I'm not into that. And you know, or make a joke about something to say, Hey, I'm not cool with that. Or some comment to show that, you know, this is not okay with me. It really does build yourself esteem because then you start to realize you are so powerful. You really are. And think about the people who you know in your life who have good but good boundaries. They're probably a lot more competent and you probably respect them more versus the people who have terrible boundaries and who say yes to everything who talk about people behind their back because they're so mad with them because they don't ever stand up to them or set a boundary, right. So that is my answer. You got the short answer boundaries and then the long answer, which is, woooohh, boundaries.
So at least I hope that helped and I hope that it helped others who are tuning in to today's episode. And I want to end each episode with a little fact about me so you can get to know me a little better. So today's fact is about my favorite music. My favorite artist. So currently, my favorite is Beyonce. I love Beyoncé's music and I just, I think Beyonce is just badass and amazing. I love the Coachella she had fat dancers. She is pushing ideas which are more forward thinking which I love. I hope she goes to the extreme with fat acceptance and really goes full out versus having small fats as dancers. And she does something like what Miley Cyrus has done in her recent video. She had a model on the who is an infinifat and it's amazing. I'll link to that in the show notes. You can see that video and it's like three seconds of glorious super fat, naked Shane Long fan. Her name is Angelina and she is an angel. I am telling you. So I hope Beyonce does something like that gets really even more political with our fat positivity. And I don't think she's actually fat positive because I watched a documentary about her run up to Coachella and how she was like, I need to lose weight and she was eating like nothing and these intense workouts all day long, she'd be working out and then she'd be going and dancing and doing the routines. And I just thought, Oh my God, Beyonce. I wish that you realize that your body is just incredible for what it does for you and you don't need to also be eating nothing.
She was eating, I can't remember what it was but you know, hardly anything. So that's my current favorite and I grew up listening to Destiny's child on my cassette, cassette. One of my favorite cassette, first cassettes was a writing's on the wall, Destiny's child. And I would listen to that in my Walkman and fall asleep and then the batteries are drained. But as a kid also if you're British, you know this band, I loved East 17 and Brian Harvey. You know what I love East 17 cause they were the bad boys. And then they take that which was the other band, they were like the good boys. And I was always like, nah man, I'm a bad, I'm a bad girl. Like as a ten year old, so bad. I like this boy band. And yeah, Brian Harvey was my favorite and I would like make out with the poster in my room of Brian. Years later actually Brian Harvey ran himself over with his own car. So. Well, yeah. How fun googling that fact. Very strange. Yeah, so there's my little fact about me.
Reminder, go and write a review on wherever you can on Apple music or Stitcher. Take a screenshot of that review before you send it off for approval cause it takes time for them to go through and send that screenshot to me, victoria@fiercefatty.com and you will get an audio version and a ebook version of my best selling book as a thank you and share on social media that you're listening to this episode. And I'll put you for a draw to win a Fierce Fatty mug and we've got a download that goes along with this episode and that is at fiercefatty.com/006, fiercefatty.com/006 for the show notes and you can also go there and there'll be a button for you to ask a question.
So if you have a question that you want me to answer on the show, and I think it's something that others will benefit from me asking which your questions are always great. And it's something related to fat positivity, to anti diets, to intuitive eating, changing your negative thoughts, all that type of stuff. Don't ask me, you know, how to create an umbrella or something cause I don't know the answer to that. So if it's something that's I can contribute on, I will definitely include it in an episode. So go to the show notes, fiercefatty.com/006 because it's episode six and I can't wait to see you in the next episode. Have an incredible day. My fierce fatty. See you soon.
This podcast is brought to you by Fierce Fatty Academy. Fierce Fatty Academy is my incredible and life changing e-course, which is only available to enroll in sporadically throughout the year. Fierce Fatty Academy is all about stepping into your power and knowing for certain that you are a fierce, strong, worthy human in all your body's glory. I will teach you my secrets, but changing your limiting negative self-beliefs about your fat body and empower you to finally feel in control around food knowing you'll never diet again. Fierce Fatty Academy is open for enrollment on November the 5th, 2019, but for a matter of days only. For more details and to get on the wait list, go to www.fiercefatty.com/academy. That's www.fiercefatty.com/academy.
EP5 Transcript
You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm Victoria Welsby, TEDx speaker, best-selling author, and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self-esteem to being a courageous and confident Fierce Fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living in a fat body is bad, but what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century. So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty Podcast. Let's begin.
You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm your host, Victoria Welsby. And in this episode, we are talking about how lacking self-esteem can ruin your life. Oh my God, let's get into it.
This podcast is brought to you by Fierce Fatty Academy. Fierce Fatty Academy is my incredible and life changing e-course, which is only available to enroll in sporadically throughout the year. Fierce Fatty Academy is all about stepping into your power and knowing for certain that you are a fierce, strong, worthy human in all your body's glory. I will teach you my secrets, but changing your limiting negative self-beliefs about your fat body and empower you to finally feel in control around food knowing you'll never diet again. Fierce Fatty Academy is open for enrollment on November the 5th, 2019, but for a matter of days only. For more details and to get on the wait list, go to www.fiercefatty.com/academy. That's www.fiercefatty.com/academy.
So before we get into that juiciness, I've got a secret to tell you or the cat is out of the bag on social media. But in case you don't follow me on social, what the heck. Why are you not doing that? fierce.fatty on Instagram. And Fierce Fatty on Facebook and, fiercefatty_ on Twitter. Don't ask me why they're different. I'm sorry. Someone already had taken straight Fierce Fatty. Anyway, so my secret is that this badass fat bitch is going to be in a two part documentary series made by the BBC. That going to be on BBC too and actually by the time this episode is released, the show would have just come out. So the show is coming out on the 28th and 29th of October and it's called "Who are you Calling Fats".
And actually the name of it was very contentious because in the fat positive world, we don't use the O words. Overweight and obese because they're fucked up. I'll do an episode telling you why they're fucked up in a future episode. I always say this, I'm going to do an episode about this. Yeah. Cause there's so many things I need to tell you and I want to talk to you about. Anyway, so this show, what I did was this summer I actually flew to the UK and I lived in a house with 8 other people who have big bodies, bigger bodies. I won't say fat because not all of them identify with that term. Some of them think that term is a derogatory and they go by the O words. Some of them obviously are not body confident or not fat positive.
Some of them have had stomach amputation surgery. Some of them have health issues, some of us were fat positive and body positive. And in the show, I am the most fat positive into fat politics and spreading all the fatty juiciness around and it's pretty interesting as you can imagine. Oh my God. As you can. Oh my God. Like I didn't know how intense these types of shows are. Like I thought, you know, this is pretty intense. You know, filming for 10 days. But from the moment that you wake up to the moment you close your eyes, basically you have a mic on you and you have someone filming your every move, everything you're saying. And you're doing really intense activities like intense emotionally, like talking about really deep, heavy subjects and you don't have any downtime.
We didn't have Wifi there, we didn't have access to our phones. And so you don't have any time to unwind. And so this 10 days was pretty wild. And so now I know like why people, if they're ever in a like reality show or documentary might do things that they could regret. Because I'm telling you, the pressure was very, very, very intense. I came away from filming feeling I'd represented myself quite well and it was quite truthful. And I saw the show a few weeks ago, I went down to London to the production company's studio and watch them and thought, yeah, that's, that's pretty much me. Some of the editing is dramatic. There's some things in there I'm like, eh, didn't actually happen like that, but smooth technically it's true, but there's maybe a little bit, you know, of things to spice it up a little bit and to make people appear more like characters and versus, you know, these really a fully rounded human beings like we all are. And so, yes, if you're in the UK, you can check it out on the iPlayer. I'm not sure yet how much I can actually tell you about it. It's all very hush hush. Like I've been keeping this secret for ages. It's been doing my nogging in like, Oh, We couldn't post anything. Like, Oh, I'm flying to the UK. No, take it down. Like they are watching ya, the baby say, I might even be getting into trouble and if I did telling you what I've just told ya. Hopefully they're not listening. Don't know.
Don't get me in trouble. Yeah. But if I can talk to you more about the experience then I will in future episodes. A big thank you to those who left reviews for me and if you leave a review for me on iTunes or other Apple podcasts or Stitcher or anywhere else that you can leave a review. I don't know if there is anywhere else that you can leave a review. For this podcast, I will give every single person that does that a copy of my book. So you're going to get an audio copy and the ebook version as well. So if you want to read or you want to listen, I've got yet covered. So please do leave me a review for this podcast if you've been enjoying it. And bonus points, if you share about the podcast on social media, I am going to enter you to win a Fierce Fatty mug so you can be drinking your tea, drinking your coffee, and feeling like a Fierce Fatty, telling the world I don't give a fuck about what you think about my fat body. Yeah. So, do that.
So, I want you to talk about how lacking self esteem in your body, in who you are as a person can really mess with your life can really ruin your life. Because that's what happened to me is my lack of self esteem really, really made life. No, it took the joy out of life. And there might be ways that your, if you have a lack of self esteem in any areas at all how you could be being affected and you don't even rarely. So we have a download that goes along with today's episode and it's called the Your Why Guidebook. So why body confidence is important for you. So this, download goes along with the episode and you can get that by going to the show notes which is fiercefatty.com/005 for episode five.
You get that and you can go in even deeper on the today's topic. So I've categorized it into a different things here. But the first one I want to talk about is your psychology, your beliefs, your mental well being. And lacking self esteem obviously is affecting your mental health because it's a part of your mental health, but it's a real domino effect on all of the beliefs in your life. And the reason why it's a domino effect is because our beliefs about who we are form our identity and our identity really changes the way that we behave in the world and the things that we think are possible for someone like us. Whoever you think that you are? You've decided because your beliefs about the world and your beliefs about you. So if you think, Oh, fat is bad, for example, and a thinner body is more desirable, which is the common rhetoric in society, right?
So it's very understandable if you believe that. But it is a belief and a belief is something that is we have decided maybe without evidence that is true because I believe it's not a fact. A fact is 100% true, 100% of the time. So using that example of fat is bad or having a fat body is bad. It's not a fact. It's not 100% true 100% of the time, right? Has there ever been a fat body that's been good? Yeah, of course. So it's a belief. So if you have that belief that fat is bad. That I'm fat, therefore I'm bad. I'm fat, therefore my body is less worthy, it could then go on to, I'm less worthy. I am unlovable because I'm less worthy. I am undesirable. People don't like me. Maybe think of the things that can come from that belief of I am less worthy in society because I have a bigger body.
So for me, I would have beliefs of I am less worthy about my body and it will trickle into other things, other beliefs of I'm not as intelligent or I need to work harder to be a good person to make up for the fact that I'm less of an acceptable human being. So in lots of ways I'd be overachieving trying to be like the best girlfriend ever by the best friend and just never feeling like I measured up and really sucked. You might relate with this of feeling like you had to become better in other ways because you might not have liked or don't like your body, but it's a real domino effect, right? If you think that your body is not good enough, if you're suffering with a lack of self esteem, it has a domino effect in your mind and so many other things are affected.
So the second one I want to look at is your intimate relationships. The people that you are dating, the people that you're having sex with. If you have a lack of self esteem, do you think that you're going to be dating people who are your equivalent, you going to be dating people who are fuck boys, losers, people who. If you had higher self esteem, the exact same body, but if you had higher self esteem, you probably wouldn't touch with a 10 foot barge pole, right? And this has been so apparent for me because I've been single for three years now, but before that I had been in a relationship for six years. And so it was nine years ago plus I was on the dating scene previously and being back in the dating world for the last three years has been so interesting because the amount of guys that I know, I would have eagerly gone on a date with previously.
Now I can see the red flags and I'm like, no fucking way. I can see that the old version of Victoria who had lower self esteem 9 years ago would have been like, Oh, I can help him and I can help him overcome his misogyny or his you know, shady goings on. And, all of the things that are real big warnings now for me. And it's meant that before I dated loads. I'd be having dates left, right and center. And now I hardly ever go on a date because so many of the people that I encounter, I'm just like, who are? You know. The minimum amount of effort they'd be putting in, they'd just be like, yo or just send a message saying, hi and that will be it. It was Victoria before and be like, Oh my God, they said hi to me. Oh, maybe they love me. Oh my God, this is going to be my new husband.
And now Victoria is like, no, but in a bit more effort. I mean, don't you know who I am? I'm amazing, come on. And so even attracting the types of people that you might attract, but also, dating in general, like dating versus just being happy single, right? So right now I'm happy single, I'm not actively dating, which is fine, but before I would actively date, because I had a fear of being alone. I would end one relationship and move within days or weeks I'd have another boyfriend on my arm because I couldn't be single because my lack of self esteem, man, that I had to have someone to prove that I was worthy. Whereas now like this has been the longest I've been single in my whole life from when I started dating, dating at 17. So if you're in a relationship, are you staying in that relationship because you're not happy, but you're staying in it and you're not unhappy, but you're staying because you don't think that you can get someone better.
But this is the best that someone like you because you have lower self esteem can get. I remember believing that so hard, even when when I was 17 and if you'd listened to episode 2, you know my story when I was 17 I was dating and an abusive alcoholic. I even remember standing in the shower, the shower, the water hitting my head and my hands on the tiles and just thinking I want to get out of this relationship, but there's no one else that's going to love or accept someone like me because my self esteem was so low. I thought that this guy was so charitable for dating a person with a fat body and because he was quote unquote conventionally attractive. I was like, well, I've won the jackpot. I can't leave this guy because I will be single forever. And the truth is no. I only believe that because I had low self esteem that the truth was very different. Like he didn't deserve me. Like Holy shit, I wish I could just knock on the door when you know, young Victoria's having a shower, but like, Hey, listen up what you know, come on. Really, you want to see, you way to see all of the guys that you are going to have fun with in the future. You would not believe it. Oh my God. Then you know, Victoria, 17 well Victoria would have been like, ah, I don't believe you. So there's no point in me saying that to younger Victoria if I could. So your relationships, your intimate relationships, if you have lower self esteem, you really could be accepting less and as well the way that we behave when we have lower self esteem. So I remember one boyfriend, he was friends with his ex girlfriend and his ex girlfriend had cheated on him and one of my ex boyfriend had cheated on me.
And so I had this like enraged anger that how can he be friends with her? She broke his heart and I would be so mad about it and really it was low self esteem. And so I'd be like, are you texting her? And I would like look at his phone and I would be just thinking about it all the time and all of my therapy sessions, I'd be like, Oh my God, he's still in love with her and blah blah blah blah. And that was low self esteem. That behavior came from because I didn't think that I was good enough or I deserve this guy or you know, I thought he was gonna leave me and cheat on me and, and now I would no way behave like that. Like, Oh my God, looking through my partner's phone, unless like, you know, unless some shit went down, you know, but in a not normal life situation, no way because I don't need to do that type of stuff anymore because you know, if my partner is going to cheat, they're gonna cheat. Me looking through their phone is not going to change that, right? You know.
So what about the way you relate to your body? So things like exercising, moving your body. If you have lower self esteem, you might be doing things like moving your body to punish yourself, moving your body for the sole reason to lose weight versus realizing that you're a fucking glorious creature and moving your body for fun or not moving your body at all. Because really you don't like it but you're forcing yourself to do things. Because this lack of self esteem is driving you or you could be doing things like going to do exercise that is super boring. For example, I hate the gym. So boring. The only time that I had gone to the gym in the past, I've got a gym membership when I was like on a hardcore weight loss journey and I would go and the trainer would be like, okay, do this thing and it's going to lose calories and do that thing and then you're going to get, you know, more shape here and you know, no fun in it and it would just be boring, boring, boring. And so now I never go to the gym, but I do things like I dance and I ride my bike or I go to yoga or whatever things I actually enjoy. And maybe you could be doing things like not prioritizing your mental health. Maybe if you have low self esteem, maybe you believe that you don't deserve that or that you can't change things, you know. That's a domino belief about, you know, I can't change things because I'm that type of person who is going to be like forever. And what about, Oh, this is a big one.
The next category is family and friends. So when you have lower self esteem, you're less likely to do things like set boundaries, hide our boundaries are gross. Ah nah, boundaries. Boundaries used to be really, really big for me. It's still something that I'm working on. You might hear my dog in the background, Dougal, he's rubbing his face in the carpet, you know, like dogs do.
So if you hear panting in the background, that's Dougal. He's shaking himself. So not setting boundaries with friends and family and spending time with people that you don't actually lie. I was so guilty of this, Oh my God, because I was so terrified to set a boundary. I was so terrified to say to someone, Hey, can you not do that or say that? Cause I, you know, I don't like it or whatever because I was so scared that they were just going to be like, what? How dare you ask me to not do or say something? You are a piece of shit. I hate you. And so I would just not say anything because I didn't want to be rejected by them. And so I would just be hanging around with people and then I'd be the worst friend because then I'd be hanging around with people and then behind their back I'd be like, Oh my God, that girl is such a bitch.
I can't believe she did this. And then she said that and they'd babababababa and I was the worst friend because I wasn't giving people the opportunity to get close to me because instead of saying, Oh Hey, you know, when you come to my house, can you, do you mind taking your shoes off? Or something simple like that. Instead, they wouldn't know that was something that would annoy me. And then afterwards I'd be like, Oh my gosh, she didn't even take our shoes off. Can you believe it? Oh, it's terrible. I'm saying we can get close to me cause I'd be secretly angry all the time. But they had, you know, slighted me and all these different ways and it would just build up versus now I'll just be like, Oh Hey, you know, this is a shoes off house simple. And people are just be like, Oh, okay.
Like no big deal because really it's not a big deal. Oh, there might be other, you know, things that are a little bit more of a bigger deal, but when you have higher self esteem, you know, that if someone doesn't want to respect a boundary, then it's not anything to do with you. It's something to do with them. And then you can make a decision yourself of what the consequences are for them not accepting or you know, pushing one of your boundaries. But when you have lower self esteem, that's impossible really. It feels impossible to do that, to stand up for yourself because, you know, I felt grateful for any type of friendship really. Even if it was someone who was, you know, not someone I'd be friends with now.
So what about things like your social life and all of the fun and adventures that you have? Maybe you could be doing things like not going on trips or adventures, doing cool and fun things because you're worried about people judging you. You're scared of rejection maybe or maybe you're worried about what your body can or can't do. And this is all normal, by the way. This isn't, you know, you're not wrong or weird if you're any of these, you're like hmmm that's me. It's totally normal. And so are you stopping from living life because of your lower confidence? Literally missing out on fun things like not going to parties because you don't like the way that you look. You know, you're putting on lot so many different outfits and you're just like, Oh no, I look terrible. Oh, don't even want to go when you either don't go or you go in the whole night, you're thinking, Oh, people look better than me. And are they looking at my clothes and can, Oh, she looks literally fat in that or whatever. So you might go, but you're having a shit time where you might not even go and you know, come up with some excuse and it's all down to lacking confidence.
And so the next category is business and your career. So if you're lacking self esteem, you might do things like avoid asking for a promotion or a pay rise. And this was actually a big pivotal moment in my journey. I remember when I was working on my confidence and I was kind of like midway through, you know, the journey. Not that there's ever an end and I remember, gosh, I don't even know how long ago, let's say seven years ago I was working for this company and, I remember saying to the boss like and I was not making that much at all. I was making in probably less than the average person. And, I remember saying, can I was thinking maybe cause I've worked here for so long. I can maybe get a 2k pay rise question mark. Question mark. Oh my God, what are you going to say? I remember clearly and the way that I said it, I was like, Oh, but it's, you know, it's okay if you don't want to. And I'm going, well, you know, not very confident. It's all about it. But he said, Victoria, listen, you're not worth a 2k pay rise. I mean, look at the work that you've done here. Do you think that your worth 2k more and I listened to him go on making a case about how, you know, I was lucky that I even had a job, never mind a pay rise. What are you thinking?
And I remember listening to him watching his lips move and not in my head but in my brain I was thinking, no bet, no, you're wrong. I know you're wrong. And so then within two weeks I actually got another job because I was like, listen, he can't see my value. And he was right, I wasn't worth a 2k pay rise. I was worth a 12k pay rise, which is what I got up my next job and that was massive. That was really, really giant. The pay rise and the experience of, you know, when I was maybe at the beginning of my self esteem journey. That man listening to him saying those things, I would have been mortified. I would have really taken it on board and taken that as evidence that yes, I am not enough. I am, you know, unworthy.
And maybe I would have stayed in that job and been thankful that I had that job. You know, maybe I would have been too scared to look for another job. And if I did, maybe I would have then been asking for only, you know, a little bit more salary or the same salary. But because I'd worked on my self esteem and a little bit, I was able to not internalize that message. So when you have lower self esteem, you're less likely to have that confidence to follow your passions and it's harder. It's way harder if you have that lower self esteem to do those things. You know, a lot of the times we fight through it and we do it and we're fighting with our brain and saying, Oh my God, I'm not good enough and dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, but you do it anyway.
It just makes things a lot harder and say, what if you want to do something like start your own business? And if you, as someone who has their own business, it's been the biggest test of self esteem ever. Because especially if you have an online presence, you get so many people being like, you are a piece of shit. Your parents will be ashamed of you. And so if your self esteem is a little bit rocky, just existing as a human on the internet is hard. But then when you're you know, building a business and you're asking people to give you money, and if they say no, then it's very easy to be like they're saying no because of me, it's mine. They don't like me. It's about me. It's not often about you is, it's about them, right. It just makes everything harder.
And here's a final one to think about, and that is your environment. So what about things like, the clothes that you wear. The clothes that you wear? Are you holding onto things that are too small for you or that you're hoping that you're going to slim into things like, you know, your dress from your prom when you were 15, and you're like, Oh my God, one day I'm going to fit back into that and not even considering that you're a child of then, now you're an adult and you're not going to be able to fit back into it because that's not how the world works. Do you have those reminders that you are a failure just hanging around and so clothes might be one. You might also be accepting less. Like for example, you might have old tattered clothes or clothes with holes in or close where the thighs have rub together and there's big holes and you're just like, well, do I deserve to buy a new pair, you know, not ruining whatever.
It's not big deal. But maybe if you did buy something new and something that actually fit you, you'd feel better. Maybe, maybe not. Do you have things that, you know, things that are just not nice around you in regards to. I know you have a car and your windscreen is smashed and it's cracked and, you know, then you've got a dent here and you fixed it up with some tape and every time that you see your car, it's just another reminder that you're not worth, you know, fixing that lie or you know, getting a new windscreen or windshield, whatever it's called. You know, things are broken and old and doesn't necessarily have to cost money to fix. But those types of things are just, you know, more reminders that you're not that type of person that deserves a fixed light or whatever it is, or the type of person who deserves a nice new pair of jeans or whatever.
So that's not an extensive list of ideas of ways that having low self esteem could affect you. But it's still pretty huge, right. So I want it so that we can recognize the ways that lacking self esteem messes with us. Because a lot of times you can be like, isn't that big a deal? And for me, because this is my life and it's my life's calling to teach about this stuff, and for people to have high self esteem fat people to have high self esteem and get all the things that they deserve. Because when you realize that you're worthy, you're worthy no matter what, you're not worthy, no matter if you fuck up, you're worthy. If you think that you're unattractive, you're just worthy as a human being. You begin to accept more in life and you realize, Oh my God, it's way easier to get more than I thought because you just asked for it.
And a lot of times you just get it, you know, it's just mind blowing to me. The amount of times I accepted less and how easy is for me to now be like, no, I want a little bit more because I'm worthy. And that could come in, you know, to do with, you know, asking for more money or dating better people or the way that I talked to myself internally. And of course, like I'm not perfect when I said, you know, I'm on this journey and things are still challenging for me. But, overall as a whole, things are just so much easier now, but I don't have to spend so much mental energy thinking about how I'm not good enough. Now I spend my mental energy, you know, thinking, how can I make things better? Or how can I improve my business? Or when can I watch a new Netflix show or whatever.
So get that, download that where we can go deeper into this and you can really work out what is going on in your life when it comes to how this stuff is affecting you. So, go to www.fiercefatty.com/005 to get that workbook, which is called Your Why Guidebook. Why body confidence is important for you. And you're going to work out the consequences of not working on improving your confidence that you've already seen in your life and other different areas. And why do you want to work on loving your body? Why is it important for you? Because everyone's answer is different, right?
So I want to end the show with a little fact about me. I want to share some things that you can get to know me a little bit better. And my fact talking about Netflix is that one of my favorite shows. I don't ever like to say my number one favorite show because it feels like I'm being penned in or something. Top five favorite show of mine is Better Call Saul, which is the prequel prequel, is that the right word? Two Breaking Bad, which is a lot of people's favorite show, but I like Better Call Saul better. And in the last few days, the Breaking Bad movie came out El Camino and I watched that last night and it was like two hours of juiciness. It was so, it was really good and satisfying. And it means making me want to go and watch Breaking Bad all over again especially the later seasons. And it's making me so excited for Better Call Saul because, Oh my God, it's so good if you're not seeing it. I mean, check it out. It's totally different from Breaking Bad. It's all about the lawyer, Saul Goodman and where he came from and how did he get to that being that slimy sneezy lawyer because he wasn't always that. And it's really, it's really, really interesting. I love it. And it's just so entertaining and I love the characters and yeah, so that's a fact about me. One of my top five favorite shows is Better Call Saul and El Camino was good. Go check it out on Netflix. Amazing. All right.
So thank you so much for tuning in. A reminder that you should, if you want, I'm not forcing you to do anything, but if you want a copy of my book and audio version and an ebook version, leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher or anywhere else that you can leave a review. I don't think there is other places you can, but surprise me.
Leave a review and take a screenshot before you submit it and send it to me, victoria@fiercefatty.com. And once you email me with that screenshot, then I'm just gonna email back and be like, Oh my God, amazing. I love you. Here is your book, right? Easy and bonus points share on social media that you're listening to this podcast and for you to win a Fierce Fatty mug or your fatty dreams are coming true. So, Hey, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for tuning in. I so appreciate you hanging out with me. Seriously, you've made it to the end of the episode is pretty amazing because you're helping me fulfill my life's calling, which is to help shift perspectives, help fat people realize that they are worthy and deserving of love and respect and all the good things that every other human being deserves in their lives. So it is a real privilege for me to be able to be here in your ear, spreading that message. I thank you so so much for being a part of my community and listening to the very end. All right, I'll see you on the next episode, Fierce Fatty, goodbye.
This podcast is brought to you by Fierce Fatty Academy. Fierce Fatty Academy is my incredible and life changing e-course, which is only available to enroll in sporadically throughout the year. Fierce Fatty Academy is all about stepping into your power and knowing for certain that you are a fierce, strong, worthy human in all your body's glory. I will teach you my secrets, but changing your limiting negative self-beliefs about your fat body and empower you to finally feel in control around food knowing you'll never diet again. Fierce Fatty Academy is open for enrollment on November the 5th, 2019, but for a matter of days only. For more details and to get on the wait list, go to www.fiercefatty.com/academy. That's www.fiercefatty.com/academy.
EP4 Transcript
You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm Victoria Welsby, TEDx speaker, bestselling author, and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self-esteem to being a courageous and confident Fierce Fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living in a fat body is bad, but what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century. So how do you stop negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty Podcast. Let's begin.
Hello and welcome to episode four of the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm your host, Victoria Welsby. And, in this episode, we are talking about the fears that we have about stopping dieting and loving our fat body. So there are three main fears, we're going to go over those today and I'm going to help you reframe them so that you can let them go. Because guess what? These three fears are going to be talking about is total bullshit. They are bullshit. So, this is the fourth episode of the Fierce Fatty Podcast and I released the first three on one day of the day that we launched and the feedback has been incredible. Thank you all so much for tuning in, for leaving a review for your support. I know this podcast is a long time in the coming. I have been talking about doing it for probably a year now and it's not like me to procrastinate, but I was very I got in my head about it and I was saying, you've got nothing to say, Victoria, even though for the last 18 months I've been doing a weekly video.
So clearly I have got something to say and I was saying it's not going to be interesting enough or unique enough. And I was just listening to my inner critic and I didn't even realize that's what I was doing. And then one day I was like, Oh, for God's sake, come on Victoria. You don't do this. You don't listen to your inner critic. And yeah, so the response has been incredible. I really, really appreciate it. And I really want to reward the people who take the time to write a review. And so if you write a review on iTunes or rather Apple podcasts or Stitcher and you write the review, you screenshot it before you submit it because once you submit it, it goes off into some black hole and then it will reappear, you know, a few days, weeks, months, years down the line. So take a screenshot and email me at victoria@fiercefatty.com and I am going to send you a copy of my best selling book and you're going to get an ebook version and also an audio version.
So if you'd like listening to it, I've got you covered. If you're a reader, got you covered there. So the book is called Fierce Fatty. Love your body and live like the queen you already. So that is a best seller. It was a bestseller in. Also on Amazon, you have different categories. It was a bestseller in like diet. Diet and weight loss, I'll say yes. The edge, Oh, getting all those people who were thinking about dieting and taking them across to the evil side of body positivity and fat positivity. So that's pretty cool. So, do that and also if you share on if you're listening and you share on social media that you're listening and that you're loving what you're hearing or whatever you want to say about it and tag me. Make sure you have a public profile so I can see the tag. I will end to you to win one of five Fierce Fatty mugs. They're pretty badass. I have one myself. So you can't buy them anywhere. So I have five to give away. Tag me on social media saying that you're listening to the Fierce Fatty podcast and I will enter you to win one of those mugs. But every single person who leaves a review, you will get a copy of my book. You just need to email me with the screenshot of your review and I'll just send it to you. No strings attached. Right? Magical. Okay.
So in this episode, we are going to be talking about the three biggest fears we have about stopping dieting and loving our fat bodies and how to get over them. So if you have these fears, you are 100% normal. It's so normal to have these fears. So if you have these fears, I'm going to be talking about, and there are lots of fears, but these are the three main ones that I see time and time again, and it stops people from taking action and from really embracing their fat bodies. Then you know, it's normal. Don't stress about it. Just recognize that you have them and let's go through them today and I'll break them down and show you how these ideas might be problematic, understand where they're coming from, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Also, I have made a resource to go along this, with this episode. So go to the episode webpage which is fiercefatty.com/004 because it's episode four. Again, fiercefatty.com/004 and there's going to be a link there for you to download the fuck fear action guide. And this will help you go through everything that we're going through in the episode today. Follow along and I have some exercises in there for you too, so you can have maximum impact from our time together today.
So the biggest fear that I hear is if I stopped dieting and if I start to intuitive eating, I am going to put on weight. I'm going to put on loads of weight, I'm going to become even fatter and it's going to be terrible. So a lot of people say, what if I stopped dieting and controlling what I eat? I'm just going to eat forever. I'm going to just eat only things that are quote-unquote unhealthy or quote-unquote bad. I am going to be this uncontrollable monster. A lot of people say, well, intuitive eating has a refeeding stage which is a part of intuitive eating is you have to build trust back with your body. And what we do with our bodies while we die or restrict, if you're not on an active diet, you're probably still restricting in ways you've not realized. Because we live in diet culture and there's so much bullshit that we believe about food. You have to build that trust back and that is giving yourself the food that you've denied yourself all these years and think about it. It has to be done, right? You have to rebuild that trust and you're going to have to be, you know, eating those things that you've denied yourself all of these years. And so that refeeding stage really scares people because they know how they feel about certain foods, about how they love them so much and is so obsessed with them and I just can't eat enough. And the reason why you're feeling like that about certain foods is that you've denied yourself. Like you don't feel like that about the foods that you think are quote-unquote healthy for you, right?
You're not like, Oh my God, I could never stop eating carrots. Oh, if I ever got my fatty hands-on carrots, Oh my God, I'll be day eating them day in, day out. All I'd ever do is eat carrots and I'll, you know, probably turn orange more of carrots that I ate. No, because you know, theoretically that you can have as many carrots as much as you want and it might be a neutral food for you. You might have actually diet things attached to it. And so you might not even want to eat any carrots and that's all to do with the way that you perceive that food. And so by allowing yourself that food, then you're taking that power out of it. Anyway, tied tangent about what refeeding is in the intuitive eating model in case you didn't know what that was. A lot of people think that if you are not monitoring what you eat then you're going to just explode into a really, really, really big person.
These are the fears and you're going to be out of control. And so that control and that monitoring, you people can be really worried about letting that go. And a lot of people think, well I've already put on weight and I haven't truly already you know, let go of dieting and I'm still monitoring. I'm still, you know, not really going for it and I've already put on weight. So if I really do properly go for it, then I'm just going to get really, really big. People are worried that they can't deal with being bigger. Like their life is hard now and they hate their body now. So what happens if they get bigger then life is going to be, you know, exponentially worse and they're going to hate themselves more for every pound heavier than they are.
And another big thing is that people, we all are so concerned about what others think of us. And you know, what if I have gone from straight size to being a fat person, or what if I'm fat, I've gone to even, you know, I've got turned from a medium factor, super fat. What are people are gonna think of me? What if I see an old colleague on the street? What if Aunt Pam posts a picture of me on Facebook where I'm not looking my best? And people are like, Oh my God, did you see them? Did you see how fat they got? Oh, Oh God, Oh, she's been eating that chocolate bars, isn't she? So these are all the fears associated around being putting on weight. Totally legitimate fear. Okay? So if you have that fear, it's normal. Don't feel bad, but we don't want to have that fear because it's based in fatphobia. So fatphobia. The fear of fat, being fat, fat people, the dislike of fatness, fat people. And so your buying into a system that discriminates against you, it discriminates marginalizes fat body. So if you believe it's okay for other people to be fat, but for you not so much. I don't, you know, I'm just not beautiful if I'm fat, other people can be beautiful but not me. It's still fatphobia is internalized fatphobia if you're living in a bigger body. And so this fear is also based on the idea that your body is this monster that without your control is just going to turn into something horrifying. Right? And that's not based in reality. The reality is we have very little control over our bodies and what they do and how much we weight.
And you perceived control over your body is perceived. Yes. If you change the way that you eat going from eating you know, hardly any food and being really restrictive and you allow yourself more food. Things might change in your body, but they might not, we just don't know. You might be and you might weight more, you might weight the same, you might weightless. We can't predict that. But that fear of I don't want to try because what if I get fat? Is really holding you back and it's keeping you buying into diet culture, into fatphobia, buying into that we should keep fat people marginalized because it's such a terrible thing for you to be fat, right? If you really truly believe that fat bodies deserve love and respect, you would include yourself in that.
So another big thing is the idea of certain levels of fat being more acceptable. And that's the reality of life is that someone who is a smaller fat person is much more palatable to society than someone who is a super fat or an infinifat. These are terms coined by Ash from the Fat Lip podcast and it identifies that there's a spectrum of fat bodies and those who are on the smaller end of the spectrum or those who are straight size experience tons more privilege than those who live on the other end of the spectrum those who are infinifat or death fats. And that's just a fact. Having privileged doesn't mean that you're a good person or a bad person. It just means that life is just that little bit more easy for you because your body is smaller and it doesn't mean that your life's easy in general. Like it doesn't, you know, having privileges just not mean fairy tales and rainbows and unicorns and glitter and all that type of stuff. It just means because you have some type of privilege, it's a little bit easier for you. I'm going to do a whole episode on privilege to explain it better for you, but that's kind of a snapshot.
And so if you are a fat person, say you're a small, medium fat and you're scared of going into being a larger fat or a super fat or an Infinifat or death fat, then that is more bias and prejudice that you are holding, right? So, yes, if you are bigger, life is more difficult, right? There are accessibility issues. You don't get believed by your doctor as much as you get paid less, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. I want to do a whole episode on privilege, so we'll talk about that more.
But you're buying into the idea that a bigger body is less valuable and that's not true. Super fats and infinifats and death fats. Infinifat and death fat are interchangeable by the way. Aren't they just as valuable as a human, as someone who is straight-sized or a small fat or a medium fat? Yeah. Yeah, they are. So it's kind of unearthing more bias that you might have. And by the way, we all have bias. We are all are fat-phobic even I am fat phobic. It's just that I haven't yet discovered the layers of my fatphobia that are so deep, right? We kind of take off layers and layers and you're like, wow, I am a biggie. Oh shit. Also the idea about the fear of getting fat, it kind of buys into the false idea that we can control our bodies. I kind of mentioned that before, but the reality is that we really have very little control over what our bodies do.
Another point about this is this belief you know, the fear about getting fat, it puts other people's fat-phobic opinions above your own mental and physical health, right? If you're worried about what other people are gonna think, you're putting their opinions above your wellbeing. If you're worried that weird Uncle Keith is going to see a picture of you on Facebook and be like, Ow, the layer of golf fat, then you're saying, weird Uncle Keith's perception of you is more important than how you actually feel inside. That mental wellbeing of letting go of diets, our physical wellbeing because as we discovered in the last episode, dieting is fucked up. It makes us sick. It makes us unhealthy in so many ways. Of course, you don't have to be healthy if you don't want to, but your wellbeing and your happiness are more important than what any motherfucker out there thinks of you and the size of your body. If those people who are judging you, you don't want them in there in your life anyway, right? So fuck what they think and do what is best for you.
Okay. So the next fear is that fear that stopping dieting and starting intuitive eating or loving your body means that you are going to become unhealthy. So you might be thinking things like, if I allow myself to eat all the food that I want, I am just gonna eat lard by the pound and fistfuls of sugar and then become so unhealthy that I spontaneously combust from fat cancer. Right? Have you thought of that? It's made up of disease or fat cancer. You might be also thinking if I don't stay on top of myself, I will never want to exercise because the reason why I exercise currently is just to try and control the size of my body. I don't do it for fun. I do it to punish myself because this is what a fatty does and if I stopped doing that, then I'm never going to want to engage in any type of body movement ever again.
You might be thinking it's really important to be healthy. My health is really important to me. You might be thinking, my health condition is worsened by being fat. You might be thinking, my health condition is managed with weight loss. Your doctor might have said to you, you need to lose weight to be healthy. And you might believe that it's really hard, if not impossible to be fat and healthy. So any of those ringing true for you? Any of those you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I believe that. That's true, isn't it? Like isn't it? What is it not true? Is it true? Well, let's find out. Okay. So a lot of this stuff is based on healthism. So healthism is the belief that the individual is responsible for maintaining the quote-unquote machine that is their body and healthism values healthy bodies over unhealthy bodies. So wellness is the new diet and healthism is the new wellness. Okay? So it's stuff that is ways to cloak our biases and healthism is one of them. You might be thinking, well, what's wrong with wanting to be healthy? Well, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be healthy, but it's the way that we speak about those who are healthy and those who are not healthy in the way that we think and feel about them. The reason why this is something that we want to look at and be aware of is that if we say someone is more valuable, if they are healthy, then it increases the marginalization of those who cannot be healthy for whatever reason and who are not healthy and who choose that health is not one of the big things that they want to focus on in life.
You are not morally superior if you decide that you really want to focus on your health. You're not morally inferior if you're just like, wow, I'm just going to live my life and see, you know, see what happens. Neither of those has any moral label attached to them in reality, but society doesn't tell us that. And so this is why we really worry about our health in ways that is not helpful for us. Again, so this belief presumes that you have control over your health. It presumes that food and exercise make up what someone, what makes someone healthy or not healthy. And the reality is health is a very complex issue and the food you eat and the exercise that you do makes up only a small portion of what makes up a whole person's health status. And I'm like, I'm so geeking out on healthism at the moment and how health is a social construct and health is not binary. You can't be healthy or 100% or unhealthy 100%. It's not an on-off switch where it's all shades of gray. Anyway, and so there are so many different factors that lead to your mental and physical well being. And it's to do with your socioeconomic status where you live. If you have access to health care it's to do with your family of origin is to do with your access to mental health services. It's really, really complex. And to say that it's an individual's fault or responsibility. What the health status is it's misleading and really we don't have that much control over health outcomes.
Also, this fear rejects the idea that mental health is as important or maybe more than physical health. Okay. So at that moment that you're saying, I can't stop dieting and controlling my way and trying to do all that stuff, you know, that dieting damages your mental health, right? As we found it in the last episode, it really does damage your mental health as well as physical health. But you're saying, okay, I don't want the risk of damaging my physical health, not that is necessarily going to happen. And so because of the risk in my mind that there's going to be some sort of damage to my physical health. I am going to continue damaging my mental health because we already know that diets cause disordered eating causes full-blown eating disorders. So you're trading off an almost definite of damaging your mental health for maybe who knows, right? And is your mental well being not as important as your physical well being? Is it? It is up to you, right? You might say no, actually I don't want to risk any type of change to my health status and what might be the best decision for you. Whatever you choose to do with your body is your business.
Also, this buys into the idea that by being fatter, you will be more unhealthy which is total bullshit, right? A smaller body doesn't equal health status. A larger body doesn't mean you're automatically unhealthy. We have no idea about her person's health status nor is there any of our business by looking at the size of their body at all, right? We have no idea at all. So if you believe that having a bigger body is going to make you unhealthy, you're buying into that lie, into that bullshit that we can presume someone's health status by how much adipose tissue they have on their body and we simply can't do that. Finally, it helps you continue judging your body and others by how healthy they are, which is fucked up and it's not gonna work because you can't judge your body on how healthy you are. Because sorry to break it to you, one day you're going to die and you're going to have no health. So we're all hurtling towards the inevitability of death. Sorry, gloomy. I know. And some of you are getting self esteem from being like, well, I'm really healthy, I'm fat but I'm healthy. That's problematic in itself but you are going to lose that health. Hopefully, you're going to get older, your mobility is going to be reduced. Hopefully you'll be very old when you die and when you're very, very old when you die, you're not going to be doing cartwheels. And maybe you will, I don't know, you might be 110 and doing back flips or whatever. But the reality is your health is going to change and by judging and putting a value on bodies when they are healthy means that your self esteem and you’re worth are tied up with that and therefore it's just going to go downhill and you know you're going to feel sad. So sorry to be so cherry talking about death but that is the reality.
Okay. So the third fear that I hear a lot and it's kind of like people's deep, dark secret because they don't want to admit this, but a lot of people fear that they are going to be unattractive or continue to be unattractive or grow more unattractive. If they put on weight or they stay the same weight or then, you know, that they are who they are. So types of things that I hear around this is, it's okay to be curvy but not fat, fat, fat, fat. You know, it's okay to have curves in the right places, you know, and a flat stomach, big tits, fat bum. But, that's not what my body is doing. I have tiny tits, big belly, flat bum. I'm round, you know it's not sexy. People say my spouse is probably going gonna confess to me that they fancied me more when I was thinner and really deep down when they look at me, they're just like, Oh, you're disgusting. I'm really making them unhappy by getting fatter or being fat or, you know, cause my body has changed. If you don't have a spouse, a lot of people say, no one wants to date me looking like this. It's just not attractive. And nevermind if I'm fat, then you know, if I'm fat, then I'm just going to be scraping the barrel of some loser that wants to date me.
A lot of people are worried that they're never going to be seen as hot or sexy by their spouse or by others just from pea or momsie You might be thinking, people may want to have sex with me secretly on the down-low, but they don't want to date me or marry me or hold my hand in public or any of that stuff. Like they'll fuck me, but you know, don't tell anyone about it. You might be thinking, I really can see the beauty in other fat people. I look at other fat people and I'm just like, wow, they're so stylish and they are cool and they're amazing. Oh, great. But for me, no, no. I don't look the same as what they look you know. I just, mm, my body is gross. You might be thinking, I just look better when I'm smaller. It's just fat. I look better. I'm more beautiful when I'm smaller. And a lot of people say I wish that I didn't care about this stuff or value it or think about it. But I do, I do. I worry about how romantic partners are or do perceive my body. And that's a problem for me.
So if you're worried about this stuff, again, it's 100% normal because we as humans, you know, we want intimacy, we want love, and we want acceptance and society have told us that fat body isn’t acceptable. So, of course, you're going to be worried about this. Of course, you fear this and it runs through your mind and no matter how much intellectually you know this is fucking bullshit. It's still in the back of your mind because it's human nature to want to feel those things that our partner might be able to provide you.
So let's change our thinking about this, about, you know, fat is unattractive, my spouse is going to tell me I'm unattractive. By the way, I'll make an episode on this, but my boyfriend of I was with him for six years, told me, confess to me, I find you less attractive because you've put on weight. I'll make an episode about lads and what happened about that. But I survived, he's no longer my boyfriend, not for that. But anyway you can survive if that happens. But anyway, this belief, guess what is based on fatphobia again and twist, also sexism. Yes. Hello? Patriarchy. First, it puts a massive value on appearance as an indicator of worth. And you know, we don't want to be buying into that bullshit. That appearance makes means that you are a more valuable human being. Society drills into our brains every single day or a certain way that someone can look, you know, there is beauty in every type of body. And sometimes it's okay to just be like, you know what. You know, some people want to embrace being ugly, right? Some people just like, I'm fucking ugly and it's great. Who cares? Right? All this value, placing all this value on appearance, it's just distracting us from the real issues, right?
This belief says fat is unquestionably, undeniably, unattractive which is not true. There are so many fat people that we've all been like, Ooh, damn. Oh man, I would like to spend 10 minutes with that person who didn't see them and they're fat. Maybe they're fat as hell, you know? So fat is attractive, okay? It's not empirical. Fat is never attractive to anyone. That's not true. In fact, sorry, this is hetero data, but 25% of men say that they will date a fat woman. Okay? So straight men say they'll date a straight woman. Sorry, hetero data. Female focus, women-focused. And so if you think about it, we've got almost 8 billion people in the world. Let's say this is really dumping it down, but 50% are men, 50% are women. We're not even calculating how many people who don't identify with those labels anyway and say of 25% of men would date a fatty that's around 1 billion people who would date a fatty.
Now, if you think no one's going to date you because you're fat. You have literally if you're a straight woman looking for a dick, you've got 8 billion dicks waving around being like, Oh hello baby, come over here. Give me some of that, give me some of that fatty goodness, right? In theory. And so, okay, not all 8 billion live in your local area. But still, that's still hundreds of thousands of people who are properly close to you within an hour, you know, who are an hour plane ride or whatever. And, but the reality is, you know, you'd like, no one wants to date me cause I'm fat. No bitch, it's not true. Society tells us that, right? We see that played out over and over and over again. And you know, the movies that you're watching, the TV shows, you know, that the fat loser you can be funny, but you never, you know, the romantic, the apple of someone's eye and all that type of stuff, it's not true.
Fact people are getting laid. Fat people are having the most romantic, wonderful love lives. Fat people are desired. There are fat sex workers whose phones are ringing off the hook from men who society says are stereotypically attractive, who just want a slice of that fatty ass. That fear is not based in reality that no one wants to date you. Yes, fewer people want to date you because we live in a fatphobic society. But, the way that I see it is cool. You're automatically screening out all the knob heads out there. If you don't want to have sex with me or be with me because I'm fat, then poof, you’re missing out baby because I'm fucking amazing. Right? So it's, I just see it as a perfect screening tool, right? You don't like me because I'm fat. Great. See you later loser.
Imagine, if you ended up with a fatphobic by accident, like if you were thin and then you started dating someone and you'd realize that they're a massive bigger but fat people, we don't need to worry about that because when you know the fatphobic don't date us. So yay for us, we're lucky and think about it this way. Should you do what you know, should you not do what you want to do in life because Brad or Chad from school, you know, from all those years back is like, Oh, a fat gal that gross, Oh, fat boys that gross or whatever. Are you going to let that knob head who is, you know, probably a massive loser and be like, hmmm that gross. Are you going to let their fatphobic beliefs infiltrate your brain and let that kind of run around your mind and play havoc with your life?
No, we've moved on from that. That was like, you know, whenever you went to school the 1990s or 80's or 90's or whatever the year after the 90's to 2000 so that people that have gone to school in the 2000s, yeah. Oh my God. Wow. Or the 70's or 60's or whenever, right. Those types of beliefs that we hear from the boys and girls and people at school, you know, a lot of them stay with us, but you know, we've grown on for that. We're adults now. When you just get rid of that, you know, it's fucking bullshit that they spouted and that we continue to believe. So say if you really buy into that belief of the fat is not attractive, it's really not attractive. It's ugly. Fat is ugly. You're like, no, it's ugly. Okay, so embrace that you're ugly. Do ugly people not also deserve respect? Do ugly people not also get dates? Do ugly people not also get fucked? Yeah man, Other people are getting fucked all left, right and center. They're having the best sex. They're having the best romantic lives. They're having all the things because I agree people are worthy and they're great and they're amazing. So if you really think that fat is unattractive, embrace that and be like, I'm fucking ugly, you know?
But the reality is we shouldn't be having to convince each other that something is attractive and it's not attractive and all that type of stuff because it's distracting us from the real thing, right? This focus on the outer appearance is to keep our minds busy so that we're not, they're out there taking over the world and being bad-ass power bitches, right? Or power bosses or whatever you want to describe yourself. Right? So it's just a distraction. Like Naomi Wolf said in the Beauty Myth, dieting is the most potent form of political sedative in history. A quietly mad population is an attractable one. And so that's when dieting, right? It makes you kind of mad. But this stuff does too. That fear of being rejected by someone you fancy because of your body. It really eats up your brain space and imagines if you could just let that go.
So I like to think about who is benefiting from us believing all of this, these bullshit lies. Someone benefits, right? It's not us. We ain't benefiting. In some ways, we do benefit because it keeps us quote-unquote safe and in our comfort zone and all that type of stuff. But someone benefits. And normally the people who benefit are old, rich white men. Who is an old rich white man that would enrage you to know that your negative beliefs about your fat body are benefiting? Who would it? It would just, you'd be like, fuck that noise. I'm not giving him any of my brain space, any of myself doubt any of my criticism because I am fucking amazing. For me, that is Donald Trump.
I ain't give him that motherfucker an ounce of myself doubt. No. And he's above it type of guy who'd be like, eww, I didn't wanna fuck a fatty. Great, thanks. Don't want to fuck you, right? So he's a perfect person and so if you can envision him. I'm sorry. I know, I don't want you to be thinking about Donald Trump, but that moment that you like, Oh no one wants to date me. Just think about Donald Trump's saying that in your head. Oh, no one wants to date you. Clearly I can't do a Donald Trump voice. Then you'd be like, fuck off. No one wants to date me. Watch this mother fucker. I'm getting me some do tonight, right? So, you know, just imagine him being like, mm, do you really want to get any fatter? Oh, you're already gonna get unhealthy. Then you're just gonna be like, Nah, go the fuck away, Donald Trump. So it can be a Donald Trump. It could be someone else. There's someone else that inspires you. But he's very inspirational for me because I don't want him to be getting any of that stuff. And not only that, your brain space. But what are you not doing because you were spending time thinking that you're not good enough? Okay. So if you're spending all this time thinking you're good enough, I'm not attractive, my fat body is bad, you're not going to be doing the things that you could be doing. You know, taking over the world, becoming the president doing, you know, getting a new job or asserting boundaries or spending time doing a really cool coloring picture or stroking your cat, you know? But if you're like up in your head, you're not really present with these things and you're not able to go out and crush things in the same way that you would if you were just like, mmmm, don't give a fuck if people think I'm unattractive or if my fat body is bad or if they think that I'm unhealthy. I'm doing me and I'm fucking amazing regardless of what they think. And I think it's okay to be fast and it's okay to be thin. It's okay to be whoever you are. I'm just going to carry on with my life.
So if these fears have struck a chord with you, then make sure that you go to the show notes for this. Again, it's fiercepatty.com/004 for episode four. Every show notes gonna follow the same thing, like 005 et cetera. So that you can get that free download which is the fuck fear action guide is really good. It's pretty as well. I've got a really nice picture of fatty on the front with really nice bingo wings. And we're going to go through those fears. So I'm worried about getting fat or fatter and or if I stop dieting, embrace intuitive eating I will become unhealthy or more unhealthy and I am scared that if I become fat or fatter I will become unattractive or more unattractive.
We go through those and I break down like we did in the episode, all of those fears and we get you to reframe them for you. By the way, one of the fears that we mentioned about, you know, your doctor says that you need to lose weight to be healthy or my health condition is worsened by being fat. So something I want to say on that because we didn't really cover that but that's just an extra thing is that remember from the last episode if you've not listened to our last episode, go in order because I'm going through all of these things in order. And so you know, that we get a full understanding of everything that we talking about when we're talking about fatness. So go back and listen. But what we know about being fat and losing weight or losing weight for anyone is the best chance 5% of diets work.
If you're a bigger person, it's closer to a no point, no 8% chance. So basically a 0% chance. Not one single study has ever shown a diet that works. Not one ever, ever, ever, ever and holy shit. You know, that the diet industry is pouring so much money into finding evidence to prove that their shitty ass diet works, but it doesn't. Okay. And so what we do know is that dieting makes us unwell physically and mentally. I mentioned in the episode and so if your doctor says your condition needs to be managed by losing weight, they are prescribing you something that has at best. If we're being generous a 5% efficacy rate, right? Closer to you know, zero basically. And it doesn't necessarily manage your condition. Okay, so a big one. People like well, but what if I have sore knees? Okay. Do you think people ever get sore knees? Yeah. Are they told to lose weight? No. The root cause is identified. The truth is our knees can take humongous loads over years and years and years, really big, big loads more than a human can weight. So telling you to lose weight is going to damage your physical and mental health and it's not going to alleviate your knee pain. Maybe during your weight loss endeavors, maybe you're moving your body more, maybe you're strengthening your muscles and maybe that is helping. And a lot of people think, Oh, it's because I've lost weight but it's not necessarily that, right? And so ask your doctor, what would you prescribe to someone who is small? Who has this condition or does small people get this condition? Yes. Okay. Can you prescribe me that because I have a history of knowing diets are bullshit or you can say something else?
I say to my doctor, no, I don't diet. I'm fat-positive, blah and prescribed me that, please. Thank you very much. So you know, the whole idea that you need to lose weight to manage your health conditions is bogus, which is bogus. It could be that you just need to change the way that you eat or the way that you move your body or change something but weight loss is not sustainable and hurts us. So anyway, side note to that because we didn't really address it in the episode.
All right, so if you enjoyed this episode then please subscribe and remember, leave that review so that you can get a copy of my book. I'm going to send you the audio and digital copy of my best selling book. Make sure that you leave the review, take a screenshot before submitting it and email victoria@fiercefatty.com. That's victoria@fiercefatty.com. You can leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Stitcher, or if you find anywhere else that you can leave a review, go for it. Share on social media that you are listening to this episode and tag me. Make sure your account is public so I can see and I'm going to enter you into win a Fierce Fatty mug.
At the end of each episode, I want to share a random fact with you about me so you can get to know me a little bit better. In today's fact is that I am one of 45 cousins in my family. So I have 45 cousins and more actually counting and keep growing. So I have a massive family. My mom is Irish. They love a little bit of unprotected sex, a little bit, a lot. My dad was English. So on my dad's side, I have an aunt, an uncle, and like three cousins and no, four, four, sorry, four. I got lose track. And then on my mom's side, she's one of 13. I always get this wrong cause there's so many. I'll tell you what, cause I'm in Ireland at the minute, right? Whenever, it just feels like, Oh, someone's coming around the house. Oh, this is your cousin, this is your arm, this is your great, great-grandma. This is which is really cool. And you're like, oh, I don't know who these people are. It's really cool. It's really nice to have a big family and feel like you're a part of some kind of big clan or something. I guess that would be an Irish word or maybe it's a Scottish word. Yeah. And, my family has lived in this area in Ireland for many, many, many, many years.
Yesterday, I went to see my great, great granddad's grave. Yeah, great, great. Yeah, it was, you know, 1800 or whatever. So, and that's just down the street from where we are so in Donegal. So yeah, that is my fact. I am one of 50 billion. Oh, actually and as well I am one of, how many siblings do I have? Hang on, let me see, let me count. And that was four, two, three, one Oh seven, one of seven. And actually, of all of the siblings, there's not actually a lot of children yet. So someone come impregnate me, joking. I just want the D for now. Thank you very much.
Alright. Thanks for tuning in to episode four of the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I really enjoyed hanging out with you today and I'm going to see you on the flip side.
Have a wonderful day. My gorgeous fatty, and I'll see you soon.
EP3 Transcript
You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm Victoria Welsby TEDx Speaker, best selling author and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self esteem to being a courageous and confident Fierce Fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living in a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed, or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century. So how do you stop a negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty Podcast. Let's begin.
Hello and welcome to episode three of the Fierce Fatty Podcast. And in today's episode, I am sharing with you the five reasons why diets are 100% fucked. Let's get into it.
Chances are you've been on more than one diet in your life. I know I have. And uh, at one point lost a quite a lot of weight on, um, I won't tell you the diet, but guess what? Diets are fucked and uh, they don't work. So I want to talk about that today. Um, so just in case, make sure we're on the same page about what a diet is. A diet is any type of restrictive eating, so whether it be a juice cleanse, um, and cleanses are bullshit by the way, or a detox detox her shit, by the way, you have liver and kidneys to detox yourself or telling yourself you won't eat carbs until you get a date with Channing Tatum. Hands off his mind. Or it could be full-on restriction of calories in order to starve yourself and reduce your body so that you can look like a supermodel.
And along the times, we're not actually officially on a diet, but we are from where the untrained eye, you're just going about your life. But when you go deep into understanding diet, culture and all the different ways that it gets his claws into you, you're actually behaving in, um, really restrictive ways that a lot of the times around food and you don't realize it. So you might not have officially been on a diet for years or maybe you've never been on a diet, but there may be behaviors and ways of thinking, which are so 100% of diets. So, um, so let's not go on a tie anymore because they don't work. So that is my first point is diets don't work. So imagine this, imagine this, you go to your doctor with some serious medical problem and your doctor tells you to take this pill that could work in the short term, but there's a 95% chance that in the long term will make you even more sick than you are today. Would you take it?
No, no. You tell that doctor, just stop smoking the wacky baccy. Right. So in medicine, if a prescription doesn't work, 95% of the time, doctors would work to create something better, not tell the patient to try harder at taking the prescription. Right? And that is what diets are. So best chance, best chance they have a 5% efficacy rates. So that's the, that's us being generous with, with the Diet Industry. Um, depending on your size is, you know, can go to a north 0.8% chance or basically it's a 0% chance, right? So best chances is that a diet or work 5% of the time, and so not only do they not work, they make you fatter. And of course there's nothing wrong with being fatter, but if you're going on a diet to be less fat than it's literally doing the opposite. Um, and the best thing about this, I say best being sarcastic, is that once you fail your diet, die companies and our society, diet, culture has you believing the, you are the failure and not the Diet.
So you try again and again and again and again and again, and you're like, oh my God, why is this not working? I'm so bad at this, but it's not you, right? It's not. You think about any other product that you ever buy, okay. Because diets are a product and only 5% of the time it worked. So he bought a car in the morning. You go out and you put the key in, you're going to drive to work and 95% of the time it doesn't start. In fact, that's a good statistic. And then you go back to the, uh, the, the car dealership and you're like, this thing doesn't fucking work. And they're like, well, have you tried hard enough? But where you really turning the key, did you wake up earlier enough and turn the key or before 6:00 AM? Because that's when you have to do it.
I don't think that you're, uh, you, you, you're already trying, you know that hard with this. So you cheating with other cars. No, you, but like, this is fucking bullshit. Give me my money back. Right? But the die entry has been so fucking clever and blaming us for it's failure. So my next point, number two, number two reason why diets are fucked. So let's, let's say diets did work. Let's say they did, they don't make you healthier. And now a lot of people say, I'm not losing weight because I want to look a certain way. I want to be healthy. I call bullshit on that because really if someone could wave a magic wand over your head and say, you can be fat and healthy or thin, quote unquote, stereotypically attractive and unhealthy, how many people would hesitate a lot, right? So it's not about health, it's about assets.
But even if deep down people are like, okay, it's about health. So as we know, there's about a 5% chance that going on a diet will succeed. So why not try, right? When a try see what happens. Yes. Great idea. And that's something that I thought plenty, right? I presumed that the 95% of people who failed at dieting were just, they weren't trying hard enough, not like me. They were lazy. They cheated and girls or down gallons of liquid lard and had like 50 deep fried Mars bars for breakfast every day. Right? That's what I presumed. I presume the people who didn't do well at diets, it was their fault and it's not that weren't doing well, it dies. It's diets weren't doing well with them. But you know, I had that fit. The sort of, I'm not like them, I'm disciplined and dedicated. But here's the thing, there's negative consequences of putting yourself on a diet even if you do lose weight.
So these negative consequences get this. Okay, listen here. These negative consequences of going on a diet, just go on a diet include high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, depression and cardiovascular disease worse. So self, kind of similar to the things that they tell us that we're going to get if we stay fat. And we've talked about success, you know, like a 5% success rate and that's the generous number. What does success actually mean? So for a diet to be quote unquote successful, you need to lose 10% of your body weight and keep it off for two years. Okay. So what does that mean number wise? Okay, so as an example, someone who is 350 pounds, if they lose 17.5 pounds and kept it off for two years, they would be in that top 5% the absolute most successful success story from the Diet Industry. Here's another version, a 200 pound person, they would lose 10 pounds and keep it off over two years to be seen as the most successful version because most people don't ever get that.
That is the best case scenario, right? That doesn't seem like that much to lose in return for all that mental anguish and all that money spent on stupid subscriptions and you know, crappy food. My is like no fat, no, no fat, no sugar, no air, no carbohydrates, no anything inside this food. It's just oxygen finishes the, you know, all that stuff. Hey, for losing 10 20 pounds, is that going to have any type of benefit to you? So, but what if, okay, what if you do lose weight, won't less fat on your body mean that you're healthier, won't losing that 10 or 20 or 30 or whatever. If you're going to be in like the miraculous percentage of losing, um, any type of way from a diet. Won't that make you healthier though? Surely weighing less means you're healthier. Sorry to break it to you, but no, no.
Having more fat on your body does not automatically mean you're not healthy. Having less fat on your body does not mean that you're a walking health guru, right? Indicators of health, just FYI. Things like good blood pressure, cholesterol, glucose, triglycerides, that type of stuff. Your mental health. So can you get good health, quote unquote good health? I'll do an episode about health and why that is a fucked up binary. Just all sorts of stuff I have to say on that in a different episode. But let's say, you know, can you get good health if you weigh the same? Yeah. Yeah, you can. You can affect those, those types of things by weighing exactly what you weigh right now. So you could even look at how much time you spend moving your body or making healthy quote unquote healthy eating choices or working on your strength or stamina.
For example, if you want to be healthy, um, and a fat person can display all of these qualities of health despite having more fat on their body. Fat doesn't equal sickness. Okay. And by the way, you don't owe being healthy to anyone ever. You're not a better person if you're healthy or you know, a worse person if you're not healthy. So next, my next point is diets actually make you less healthy. You might be thinking, oh for fuck sake. Really, really? Yeah. So Yo yo dieting. So Yo, Yo dieting is also known as weight cycling. It's going on a diet, losing weight, putting it back on. Remember, it's not your fault that you put it back on and repeat, which is what most humans do, uh, during their lives. So Yo, Yo dieting damages your long term health and many studies show Yoyo dieting is less healthy than being, I'm gonna use an o word here, by the way, I'm gonna do another episode about why the o words obese and overweight are totally fucked up, should be taken from our language and basically need to be burned in a fire somewhere.
So, but this is quoting research. Oh, I just hate it. Anyway. Um, so many studies show that, um, Yo, yo dieting is less healthy than being obese and leads to numerous health problems and a potentially shorter life. Um, and you might be thinking about Victoria Fair people are going to have a shorter life anyway from all the fatness. Aren't they going to die when they're like [inaudible] like, you know, 30 years old or whatever? Uh, no, no. Statistically another word is coming up. Obese people live longer than quote unquote normal weight people. [inaudible] Yep. Shut the fuck up. Right. Uh, now you might be thinking, what the fuck? It's science. It's science. Honestly. Um, no one really knows why, but the suggestion is that um, quote unquote overweight and quote quote, obese people are less prone to disease, the normal quote unquote normal and quote unquote underweight people.
Um, so yeah, if you have fat in your older, then you've got a better chance of, of, uh, overcoming and not getting certain types of diseases. Okay. My next point is the diet industry is proper profiting from fat shaming you with scam products. So if dieting doesn't work, then why are so many people on diets and anyway, we all know, my aunts, friends, brothers, dog's friend knew someone who lost like our, found some pounds on this keen wall, die and won the lottery and fell in love and grew wings. So dieting must work. Hmm. Think about this. If dieting worked, there would be no dieting industry. Everyone would be [inaudible] then every on, right? We just would go on that diet. You'd be like, okay, time for me to get. Then go on that diet. You'd be like, oh, then dumb. That's it for me the rest of my life.
I'm thin. Right, but this is going to blow your mind because when I found this out, this, I was just like, what? This cannot be true, but it's true. There is not one single study that exists in the world, a legitimate study peer reviewed that shows weight loss products or diets work in the longterm. Not One. Let me repeat that. TIF to you, just in case you missed it. There is not one single study that exists that shows weight loss products or diets work in the long term. Isn't that wild? Instead the Diet industry is worth in 2017, $64 billion a year every year and it's growing, right? So the Diet, the Diet industry is like, Hey, do this time, you'll become thin and super sexy. You're disgusting right now. You should really change that your slob and then that like that diet didn't work because it didn't include things like seaweed detox and parents toenails and also you're a fat lose a try this one instead maybe you work harder this time and stop being so hideous.
So I think we should tell the Diet industry to get fucked to go and do one. Um, I'd rather give my money to a company who isn't praying on my low self esteem with Hocus pocus queues. The biggest thing, like the biggest, you know, look diets don't work is you know, Oprah bought into weight watchers like eww and no Oprah, y, um, and she's been on diets all of her life. Okay. Oprah is really fucking rich. She has unlimited resources. She has definitely has like a private chef. She, um, can have someone come out and do workouts with her. All of the things, okay. She has the most access of human could need to become thin yet Oprah is not thin. If that is not an indicator that diets don't work and Holy Shit, I don't know what is right. It's just Oprah. It just happens to be a bigger person.
I wish. Oh my God. I want Oprah to listen to this episode. And so I listen, come on now listen, you're great. The way you are. Look, how much more evidence do you need? The eye ties don't work. I mean you fabulous jeans. Oh my God, I'm so, you know, it was Oprah with endless money. Can't force her body to be smaller. Do you think that the average person can? No. No they can't. I have. My next point is that losing weight won't make you happy. It's not going to give you better self esteem. So I had this fantasy in my mind that once I become thin that I would shit glitter rainbows would appear from my bum hole. I wouldn't be able to get George Clooney to stop calling me and obviously money is going to be a pairing on my doorstep, you know? Oh God, it's just going, life is gonna be amazing once I'm thin. And at one point I got thin, I became straight sized. Was I shooting glitter? Did rainbows come out of my bum hole?
No. No they didn't. No, it didn't happen. What didn't happen? Because what I was seeking was self love and acceptance and no matter how, no matter how thin I was, there was always someone who was sinner and therefore more beautiful and therefore I still wasn't worthy. Right. Ah. And it took, it took me going, oh, deep in with dieting to get to the point where I realized, yeah, okay. You know, being thin, being thinner affords many benefits. Things like not experiencing fat phobia, being able to go and buy clothes, um, not have people be judging me in certain ways. But the thing I really wanted was too, not be thinking about how awful I was all of the time and not comparing my body to others and thinking, well, I'm thinner than her. I'm fat than her and [inaudible] what does my boyfriend think? And you know, all that type of shit.
Um, and it didn't happen. So I have come and pissed all over your, your dieting parade, maybe taken your hope away that you will one day be Beyonce. Um, you can be Beyonce with our losing way, by the way. Well, that's not true. Beyonce's the only Beyonce. But you can be your own version of Beyonce. All right? Without losing weight. Um, but how about you think of it like this? Okay. So diets don't work. You might have to let go of dieting and that's kind of sad, right? Because really what you're letting go of is the hope that one day you're going to feel all right, but you're not letting go with the hope really, because you can still one day feel all right, you can still one day feel better, feel healthy, whatever, whatever it is you're trying to achieve through dieting, you can get there without dieting, okay?
You can do things like you can start to forgive yourself and not ever sticking to a diet. And I say that with a big quotes around sticking to a diet because the reason why you can't stick to a diet is because your body is like, what the fuck is going on? We are literally starving. We're going to do a ton of things to make sure that you stop this behavior because this is bad. I'm going to do an episode on what is actually happening, happening within your body when you're on a diet. But basically your body is being your best friend and making sure that you're not gonna lose weight and dime basically, right? And you can come to terms with where you're at right now. So, by the way, if you don't know that we all have a natural weight set points that our body likes to be out, have you noticed that most people are generally around the same way their whole lives? And we have a 10 to 20 pound range that our body's like, yeah, this is pretty good. This is where I like to be. This is what I weigh. And when you move out of that, then your body's like, hmm, let's make some changes. And so when you're losing weight and you lose, you know, 10 plus pounds, then your body's like, what the fuck is going on? Right? Um, so you can come to terms. It was like, okay, this is maybe where my body wants to be. Okay?
You can also begin to embrace the awesome body you have today. And your body does say, oh my lord this, think about this. The amount of Shit your body does to you does for you. And you've, you've done too, where you're like, you need to get thin. You're worse F's worthless sack of Shit. And you're what? He's like, hi, I'm just trying to get us wrong when the world and no, I'm sorry. And you know your body does some pretty amazing things for you, like sleeping and blinking and high kicking and go foraging and all the stuff that your brain does for you and your ears are listening to this. Or maybe you're reading a transcript or you know, Holy Shit, think of all the great things that your body does for you versus focusing on its outside appearance.
You can spend less money on diet bullshit. I know so much of those like detoxes, you know where they send you, they send you packets of like, they're like, oh hey, I put some cinnamon and some water and you're going to drink this and then you're going to, you know, detox and then you know, you're going to grow some like horns and then you're going to be gray and all that type of bullshit is really expensive. And I remember ships for, you know, going to get weighed and stuff. It's expensive. What can you use that money on doing something fabulous, buying yourself some cool shit. Like, um, you know, t shirts that say riots, not diets or I don't give a fuck about your diet, Susan. I really want one of those ones. I've got the first one rise on days. Uh, you can get a, you can get the second one.
I don't give a fuck about your diet, Susan from fat mermaids. Um, amazing one set. Um, so you can spend your money, um, on coal shit, shit that makes you feel good versus stuff that makes you uh, mentally and physically unwell. You'll also going to have way more brain space to think about core things instead of instead of spending about 29 hours a day dreaming of when you can eat next and have to sex up that salary stag. Ah, right. When you're on a diet, you literally, your brain has to focus on, make you focus on getting food because you will, you are actually starving. That is what's happening. Your brain like, bitch, stop doing that thing you're doing right now and go and eat something. We are dying. Hello, get on the page. We're dying here. And when your body and your brain is relaxed and it knows, oh, she's going to feed me, it's going to be fine.
Then all of a sudden you're like, oh, I don't actually need to think about, um, salary. I can think about, oh, I'm going to go on a date with this guy, or, oh, well maybe I want to ask for a promotion at work, or Oh, there's a new series on Netflix, et Cetera, et Cetera, et cetera. And another positive thing about this is you can buy clothes that fit you instead of a size down, hoping that you'll slim into them. You can clear your overstuffed wardrobe of all of these clothes that would only fit a toddler version of yourself and fill it with new, awesome, Super Sassy outfits, right? Just you can just get rid of all of that, that stuff, you know, hanging onto this quote unquote dream of when you're, you know, when you're going to get thin and all of the things that are going to happen. All right, so I know this might have made you a bit sad. Maybe you were like, Oh yeah, yeah, I know.
Maybe you were like, Oh yeah, yeah, I know about this stuff already and this has been like a call refresher of this information. Maybe you had really fucking angry. Now maybe you're like, what the hell? This whole time I've believed that if only I tried harder than I would finally be thin. Maybe you feel relieved that you realize that it's not. Your fault is not your fault. Honestly, you have worked so hard at losing weight. Oh my God, we all have worked so hard at this stuff. I mean, if it was just about willpower, fuck, we'd all be thin, but that would be really boring, right? I'm glad that we're not all thin. I think it's beautiful that we have a different, a variety of bodies and your body is perfect just the way it is. All right, so let's tell diets to get fucked.
We're done with them. This is a relationship that is ovie are for good. And if this is a new concept to you, then you will still get lured into thinking, oh, but this new time where you just rub banana peels on your bum hole, I've heard it makes you lose like 75 pounds in 12 seconds. Maybe I'll look into that one. You'll see things like that and you'll be like, mm, okay. And you'll see people be like, oh, well this one's not a diet though, right? This banana peeling on your bum whole thing. This not diet. This is about wellness. This is about health. If it's about losing weight, it's a diet. It's a diet, okay? Every is about you stringing the size of your body, then it is a diet, okay? But you just, you know, FYI, you're going to get good. And you might even go on some more diets being like, well, I just one last try.
That's fine, that's fine. Right? We all spent so many years in living in this diet culture, a culture that is obsessed with, um, quote unquote health and smaller body sizes as being held up as the most desirable. So that's absolutely normal. And even years and years after you stopped dieting, you still might be like, oh, maybe, maybe diets, I've got better. I saw this one where it's, you know, you just take this one pill and right, there's always something because diet companies, they are expert marketers. They have to be, they have to be very, very intelligent marketers because, um, diets are not a new product. And so this is like marketing theory. When a new product comes onto the market, the, the marketing doesn't have to be that sophisticated. So think about like, when the iPhone came out, the marketing, they didn't have to be like, this is, um, here are all the features and benefits and this is why our phone is the best.
And, um, here's some data and stuff. They, they did, they had that stuff, but really it was just like, this is the iPhone. This is the only one you want it. Right? And we all knew, whereas now, like years later, now we have lots of different options that are really, really cool and stuff. And so the marketing us are getting more sophisticated. And so when it comes to dieting, dieting has been around for years and years and there is like literally a good Giulia bajillion diets. And so they have to become very, very smart. And so what they do is they will attach to your identity and they will align their identity with your identity. And so you've really feel like it's a part of you. Um, they have to become sophisticated. And so don't feel like you're weak because you're falling for the bullshit. Because you know, people have degrees and masters and PhDs in learning how to market diets to you.
Um, and you're just like, I'm just, you know, I'm just trying to be no, go around, be fabulous. And you know, and then you'll have people trying to mess with your brain. So yeah, so that is why diets are fucked. The five reasons. So let me just, let me just round it up for you. Number one reason why diets are fucked, they don't work. Number two, even if they did, they won't make you healthier. Number three, in fact, they make you less healthy. Number, the Diet industry is profiting from fat shaming you with scam products. And number five, losing weight won't make you happy or improve your self esteem. Weren't, weren't, weren't, weren't. Okay. So, um, I wanted to end our episodes with a little fact about me so you can get to know me and I want to get to know you all as well.
So you tell me, you tell me, I'm going to share something with you and you can tell me your version. All right? So a little fact about me is that I can play the trumpet. Oh my God, no problem. That's not really what it sounds like, but you get the picture. Um, I learned for about six years when I was a kid, so I learned in primary school and Secondary School for those, those Brits out there. Uh, I can also not as well play the piano. So I studied the piano as an adult for a couple of years and I like singing. And so I like going to um, acquire and I just love singing in my house a little bit of, you know, show tunes, love a bit of that, you know. Um, do you play an instrument? Can you sing? What's your favorite song to sing? Share with me, tell me.
And um, if you would like to show notes to this episode so you can follow along, then go to fierce fatty.com forward slash zero zero three because it's episode three again, that is fierce fatty.com forward slash zero zero three because it's episode three and I know that you're the type of person who is digging this stuff because you are right at the end of our episode here. And so I know it's important for you to support fat positivity and um, confidence. And so why not share this podcast? Um, why not leave a review that is really, really, really helpful. The reason why it's so helpful is because on iTunes, if you leave reviews, it tells the iTunes algorithm that this podcast is something that's worth sharing on their side of things. And so they will then make sure that it is a new and noteworthy podcast.
The more reviews the better. So even if you just leave like a five star and you're just like, "Yo, good, great." "Victoria's sexy" obviously you're gonna write that. Um, anything you want, just leave a five star review and subscribe so that you know when the next episode is out and you don't miss a single second of this juicy, juicy stuff that, uh, I'm sharing on the first Friday podcast. So thank you so much for being here. I so appreciate you really, you don't know how much I appreciate you, um, for being here and for tuning in, listening to me. Um, it's a real privilege privilege that I can talk about this stuff. Um, and people listen. So thank you for being you for being here. I'm so excited to continue to share all of this stuff, and I know what I'm talking about this episode, like, Oh, I'm going to share this on another episode because there's so many things. Right. Uh, so I'm so excited, excited to share even more with you. Um, so yeah, I shall see you on the next episode. All right. See you then.
EP2 Transcript
You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm Victoria Welsby, TEDx speaker, best-selling author, and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self-esteem to being a courageous and confident Fierce Fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us that living in a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed, or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century. So how do you stop a negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty Podcast. Let's begin.
Welcome to episode two of the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I am your host, Victoria Welsby. And in this episode, we are talking about my story. So let's get into it. Before we start, I want to give you a big content warning/trigger warning. In this episode, I'm going to be talking about sexual assault and abuse on a minor, homelessness, self-esteem issues, alcoholism, and eating disorders. It's a pretty deep one today. So this is my story of how I went from meek and mild, hating my fat body, being a total doormat with shitty jobs, loser boyfriends, and an all-around sad existence into a confident and courageous Fierce Fatty who, hello loves her body. Unapologetically, I'm relaxed around food, a best-selling author, TEDx speaker. I have my dream job teaching this stuff. So I went from one extreme to the other.
So if you want change and you want to get from A to B, maybe hearing my story might show you how. So yeah, you might have wondered where this weird accent is coming from. I am a Brit. I was born in a place called Peterborough, which was voted so proud, but worst city in the UK to live. Oh my god dreams do come true. So I lived there, I was brought up there and I lived in a council estate, which is for those who are not British, it's, it's not a nice place to necessarily be, well, my version of the council estate wasn't a nice place to be. So the council being the government, so it's kind of government housing grouped together. And I lived in a really dangerous area where there was a lot of crime and we lived in poverty.
My dad was an alcoholic and from the age of somewhere in his forties, he stopped working because of his alcoholism. He nearly died because of his alcoholism. But fortunately he got a liver transplant and then he died a couple of years ago, so unrelated to, to alcoholism. But we had, we had that to deal with. My mum worked in a corner store and so we survived on her part time wages, probably minimum wage from a corner store. So we're very poor and because we were poor, we didn't have the abundance of food that we necessarily needed. On top of that, my mum was very diet culture mindsets oriented, you know, like don't eat too much of that. We don't want to be fat. She would say things like she was a fat sisters of all of our sisters and she's, she's not fat. None of them are fat.
She's a very small and petite woman. And I would look at my mum and think, well, if she thinks that she's fat, then you know, what the hell am I, you know, I must be some, some, some sort of monster. My mom is five foot two and now as an adult, I'm five, seven. And so even from a younger age, I was close to her height and overtook her height and overtook her weight. So the beliefs that she had about her body really drilled down into my brain that my body, if she wasn't happy with her body, then my body was really wrong. I developed because of this, because of this, I'm not literally not having access to food. And when we did have access to food, it was kind of like, well, don't, don't eat that and you're greedy and you want all the food.
And I developed eating in secret and so I would sneak food because, you know, so shameful that I desired food, but Holy shit, how could I have not desired food? One, I was a human being and two, I was being physically denied the food because we didn't have all the food that we wanted and mentally because anytime I want it to eat all the food, then it would be shame. Around that. So I started binge eating never diagnosed binge eating disorder, but basically that's what it was. And that went on for years and that increased my feelings of low self esteem and thinking that I was out of control and greedy and just this, this horrible human being. The area we grew up in, like I mentioned, was very dangerous. So I was targeted by a local pedophile in that area.
And so we had we don't know who it was, but a local pedophile who would hang around, hang around in areas that were scary to walk, you know, like underpasses under, under highways into the motorway and you know in the bushes and fields and things like that. And he would indecently expose himself to children and two women. One day he did that to me out on the street and then he came to my back garden and would watch me playing and in decently expose himself to me there. So it made my house, it was already dangerous in that area, but it made my house a very, very dangerous and I was a terrified child. I really after that, that experience, and it wasn't just one experience, it happened a few times. I couldn't be alone in a room on my own. I couldn't go to the toilet on my own.
I had my mum had to be there with me everywhere because I was terrified. So this happened when I was maybe seven years old. I don't know how does happen, but we managed to get me into, well my mum managed to get me into therapy. How the hell that happened in the time, you know, in the 90s, early nineties to get me into into therapy is just a fricking miracle because you know, that's never heard of. And luckily through cognitive behavioral therapy, I learned how to overcome that fear. I grew braver and I was able to get back to my normal self. So that was a really useful tool that I learned about overcoming fear, which I have used throughout my life about, you know, this overwhelming fear, this overwhelming fear that I had like seriously to the point where I couldn't go to the toilet on my own.
Like imagine fear that, that big to break that down into the tiniest little steps and be able to move forward through that made me learn from a really young age that I could overcome anything. So that was a beautiful lesson I learned from that. So my mom's Irish, she wanted to go back to Ireland where she's from. She had a car accident and she managed to get some money because she got brain damaged from this car accident. She didn't have a car, she was on her bike, someone opened the passenger door and she went over, she wasn't wearing a helmet. And so she got some insurance money and with that money she wanted to get out of this scary, awful neighborhood and move back to Ireland where she's from. At this time I was 16 years old and I didn't want to go cause I had my, my friends and this is all I knew and I'd been to Ireland many times and it wasn't an enjoyable experience to be in Ireland because it was very religious.
With my family, very you know, shamed me in different ways, you know, if you weren't behaving in exactly, you know, a perfect Catholic girl sort of thing. And it was in the countryside in the middle of nowhere. And so I was like, no way. I want to hang out with my friends and you know, go to clubs and stuff like that. We went, yeah, we would go to clubs at age 16 age 15 even. And so I convinced my mom, I said, no, let me stay here. I to finish my, my my school and because my school didn't finish until I was 18. And she, she believed me. She said, yeah, okay, yeah, I'll let you stay here. So she left for Ireland and she sold our family home and after she sold her family home, it was like, okay, the family home, it's, you know, you have to be out in a couple of weeks or whatever.
And I was like, Oh, well what do I do now? I was at school full time. I had a job at school after school doing cleaning the school. That was my job. And that was part time. And in the UK, you can't rent somewhere legally until you're 18. And even if you could, I didn't have the money that you would need to rent a place right at the same time going to the club, I met this guy who I was like, Oh my God, he is so amazing. Now this guy, ah, excuse me, sick. Oh, he was 30 years old. So by this time I was 17, I just turned 17. He was 30 years old. I met him in this club where all these teenagers, teenagers go and instead of, you know, buying me a drink, which is maybe what a boy might normally do, he bought me a lollipop.
Now I'm like, Oh my fucking God, that is so creepy. The whole thing. Like why is he, why is a 30 year old hanging out in a club with teenagers and get, Oh, oops. Like now older Victoria's like bitch, get out of that. But 17 year old Victoria was so starved for love and attention and was lost. So I'd met this guy, I'd maybe been with him for a, you know, a month or something by this time that I was homeless. And so I ended up going to the council and saying, I've got nowhere to live. So they put me in a homeless hostel for children for under eighteens and I was there maybe a couple of months and it was fucking horrible. You, you've got a room and then, you know, everything else was kind of shared facilities, but the other people in there where of course it was unstable people.
It was children who, you know, what, why would these children be be homeless? Basically? they're, they're troubled. And I was troubled too because I was in this situation and so, and so it was a very, again, a very dangerous place to live in. And my then boyfriend creepy 30 year old said, come and live with me and my mum and our seven cats. And I thought that was a great idea. So I moved in with him. I soon found out that he was a, an alcoholic, just like my dad. He was also abusive to begin with. Obviously he wasn't, he was incredibly charming and everything that 17 year old Victoria could have dreamed of, you know, AKA someone, anyone who would date someone who I thought was so disgusting.
So as abusive relationships go, it started out being, you know, great and wonderful. And then slowly things started to happen where any anyone with self esteem would have been like, get out of there. No. eventually he decided that I was too fat for him and so he put me on this diet, I'd say diet. Basically he staffed me. He decided what I could and couldn't eat and he would monitor me. And if I ever deviated from this plan of what I was allowed to eat, then there would be repercussions. So it really, really reinforced that idea that I was so out of control with food and I was so fat and greedy that I had to be controlled by my boyfriend. And I didn't think that it was a problem that he was controlling me in this way. I thought he was very charitable and kind to date someone who was clearly so disgusting.
Of course, being starved by your boyfriend increases the need, the actual need physically and emotionally to have to, to, to have food. Right. And so any moment he was out of the house, any moment that I was not with him, I would get food and I would just guilty, very guilty, eat it. And it would just, it would just be basic, you know, food like a normal dinner. Like I'd go around my sister's and she cooked dinner and I, and I'd say, don't tell him, but I had this food or I'd, you know, go around my friends and we'd order pizza and I'd order a pizza and I'd have like one slice and I'd be like, don't tell him, don't tell him I'm going to bring the rest of the pizza home and tell him that you ate this slice and I'll give him the rest of the pizza to show him.
I haven't eaten the pizza. And you know, really, really, yeah. Messed up. And really sad. So I really, really, really, really from this point knew that I was horrid, just a disgusting human being eventually. So I was with this guy for about three years, and eventually I got a job at a bar after I finished school and I started socializing with people and I started building a little bit of confidence, you know, talking to customers in the bar a little bit. I was still fucking terrified. Like when a customer would come in, I ducked behind the bar and be like, Oh God someone else would serve, we'll serve them because I'm scared. That's, you know, to talk to them. That's how shy I was, eh, who knows I ever managed to get any job at all because I was really really, really shy anyway.
And so because I, I'd made these new friends, I managed to start understanding that maybe the way that this guy was treating me was not okay and his behavior was escalating the way that it does in abusive relationships. And he started getting violent and he was already verbally abusive and manipulate me and controlled me and decided, you know, what things he wanted me to wear and all that type of stuff. So I managed to, to to leave him and it was very dangerous. He actually chased me with a knife. I had to hide in bushes to get away from him and he said, when we were in the relationship, if you ever dare leave me, then I will do this, this, this, this, this. And he laid out a list of consequences if I ever debt to leave him.
He followed through on almost every single one of the consequences. So the first thing that he did was throw a brick through my sister's window, which is where I was staying. He then went to my work and punched my boss, hoping to try and get me fired. He went to my sister's work and he followed, my sister's boyfriend harassed him. He, he said, I will make sure that you can never live in this city again because I'll harass you so badly. And I did leave. And that was because it wasn't safe for me and that in that city, but that was a few years coming. Anyway. He must have found a new girlfriend or whatever. But he, he eventually gave up a, I got a restraining order against him and even though I got a restraining order against him, he still broke. That restraining order would come to my place of work would contact me.
But the police wouldn't do anything. They'd say, well, we can't prove that he went to your place of work to see you. It's like, Hmm. Yeah, yeah, he was. But like I say, he must've got a new girlfriend because he eventually gave up. So that was poor, pretty much my lowest point. I really, really was really broken from that. And I met a new boyfriend very shortly after. Of course, I couldn't be alone at any point. Like I had to always have a boyfriend because I needed that self esteem boost. I met another guy who was a nice guy, you know, just an average guy. And the way that I would behave around him was he was like, what is wrong with you? You know, I would be so terrified of him. For example, I remember one evening making bolognese and bringing it to the table and putting his down and then mind falling out of my hand and hitting the floor and that moment of absolute terror of how's he gonna react?
And I was quickly sweeping it up and being like, Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry and I won't have any dinner and you know, I'll just, I'll get out of your way. And so, you know, you know, waiting for this big reaction. And he was like just have half of my dinner. You know, it's not a big deal. It's just a play like relaxed sort of thing. And that was the moment that I realized that maybe there was a different way to, you know, experience a relationship and not saying that this guy was perfect at all. Like I wouldn't date him now, but he was exactly who I needed because he was very patient with me when I was, you know, clearly very damaged from this relationship. So I was with him for a few years. In this time I was working in recruitment, which was really, really soul destroying working in this agency in my home city.
It was all very sales based, talking to people on the phone, which helped me with my competence again because I'd have to talk to people who had, you know, authority, you know, put people in positions of power and convince them to buy from me and spend, you know, thousands of dollars with me. So that was actually helpful for me and my self esteem before that, to get to that point, I'd worked in a call centre, which a call centre I had to talk to people in the call centre as I was working in was people complaining and complaints. And so talking to lots of angry people. So I had learned how to talk to people are not, you know, run away and cry because I was so terrified. Which was, which was good for me. So a few years after their side meet some guy out clubbing when I was I was, I went to my sister in Sheffield, which is a couple of hours from, I'm from Peterborough and I was like, Oh my God.
So maybe I was 25 by this point. And I fell deeply in love with this guy. He was so cool and quirky and he was so in love with me and I was like, I know I'm going to marry him. We talk about getting married and I was just like, Holy shit, I've never experienced love like this. It was so intense and amazing and, but there were little red flags or red flags that Victoria now would be like bitch get out of there, but I ignored them because I was, you know, still recovering from this, this terrible abuse that I'd experienced and low self esteem in general, I would put them to the wayside. You know, like sometimes he texts me and he be like, remember that time that you did that thing and there was no time that I did that thing.
Or he would just go missing for a few days on an end, you know, not text me or not respond. And I'll be like, Oh my God, he's gone off me. And then he just resurface and be like, Oh, I missed you or sorry, my phone was broken and we had a long distance relationship. And so we would go and see each other maybe at the weekends. And so there were some things that were a little bit fishy. So one day I caught him, I caught him with three of the girlfriends and these were proper girlfriends. He weren't, these weren't like flings or something. So, so I was girlfriend three in a four girlfriend situation as having this long distance relationship. He was able to spend time with these other girls. First girlfriend, girlfriend, number one, he actually bought a house with her girlfriend to he was in a longterm relationship with her.
I had been with him for nine months at this point, and then he had just started with girlfriend number four, also a long distance relationship, go from one and two. We're in his city. So obviously he'd worked out, he couldn't have people in the city. Girlfriend one and two and me go from three. We got got together and became friends. We reached out to girlfriend four and and said, Hey, this guy's cheating. And she said, no, I don't believe you. He's a great guy and dah, dah, dah. Even though we said, Oh, here's all the evidence. She was like, no. So hopefully she worked it out, but she wasn't interested. It was so interesting to, to, to meet, you know, spend time with these, these other women because they were so smart and funny and gorgeous and accomplished and cool and quirky. And then I looked at myself and I was like, Oh, what is he doing with me?
We took a picture together. Actually. I'll put it on, I'll put it on show notes. I'll, I'll put a picture of us three go from one, two and three together. And I'm so thankful that this happens because, because he was such a scallywag and he was, you know, cheating. He wasn't doing it out of the kindness of his heart. He wasn't dating me because he was a good guy. You know, he wasn't dating me to be charitable, which is what I thought of the guys were doing. They were dating me as a favor. They were doing charity work and you know, dating this poor fat girl, you know, he was dating me because I too was smart, funny, quirky, beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, desirable. And looking at the other girlfriends, I was like, wow, I can see that they are those things. And clearly, theoretically I too ambo things. It's not like he did, you know what? Go from one, two and they were great. And then he was like, Oh fuck, I'm just going to date some complete loser who I find physically disgusting. No, you know, he was being selfish and he wanted someone, he also found attractive. So
That's when I realized, okay man, something's going on with my brain update. Its, you know, had terrible day in experiences. I hate my job, I hate where I live. I, I cannot believe that I am acceptable being this weight. Something needs to change and I need to work on my brain because this ain't working for me and head's not fun. So
So this was kind of my turn round point. This is my appear funny. I, from there moved to Canada. My sister was in Canada. She said, Oh fuck, you've got nothing to lose. Why not come and stay in Canada for a bed and see how it goes. So moved to Canada and my planned, six months turned into 10 plus years and Vancouver in Canada is my home. And I started therapy.
I knew that I had to fix what was going on in my mind. So I started therapy. Still, I'm in therapy to this day because therapy is amazing. And I'm very privileged to be able to, to do it. When I first started out, I didn't have any money. And so I managed to find free resources in regards to therapy, different places that would give free therapy
And I was able to, to work on my mental health that way. But still after years of therapy I still wanted to be thin. I just couldn't shake this feeling of wanting to be thin. I was just, I was just like, Oh man, I'm, you know, I've turned my life around. I, I got, you know, better jobs and better relationships and I'm just feeling great all around. But why can't I just be thin? I'm so accomplished in all the different areas there are. I had done different types of therapy to really work through my PTSD, which is what I suffered from after that relationship. And I was, you know, my life was great but I just couldn't fix this one thing. And the one thing is being thin. I didn't know that it was the F the wanting to be thin. It was the being thing.
Like why couldn't I be thin? I, I'm intelligent, I'm, I'm hard working. I'm dedicated. I would crush any diet, but you know, I went on, but of course I couldn't crush a diet because diets don't work. I was, you know, it was a faulty system. So only after years and years and years of therapy and the realization of what if it's okay to be fat. I started following body positive blogs and reading things and looking at the science and reading the, the big breakthrough was coming from reading Regan Chastain's blog, dances with fat and being like, what the fuck? What do you mean it's okay to be fat? What do you mean diets don't work? What do you mean all of this stuff? You know, why hasn't no one told me this? Why w what if only I had known so many years ago that this, you know, this was the truth.
You know, that it's okay to be fat. In fact, it's beautiful. All different body types of beautiful, it's interesting. It's visually interesting. Fat bodies are, they're so sumptuous and gorgeous and, and many people have a preference for fat bodies. The guys who were dating me all through this time, one dating me to be charitable, they were dating me cause I was fucking gorgeous and also had an amazing personality and was resilient and kind and funny and intelligent and all of those things. I didn't realize it because of this and this really, really long journey of working out all of the different things I needed to do to help my mental health, to overcome my rampant internalized fat phobia. I have now made it my life's mission to tell everyone, Hey, it's okay to be fat and because you're fat, you do not have to accept less than if I knew from a young age that it was okay to be fat and that I wasn't greedy and I didn't learn all of that stuff around, you know, food moralizing and all that, all sort of stuff.
And you know, over-exercising and I would never have you know, when I met some 17 year old, you know, 30 year old when I was 17 in the club, I be like, Oh, go away. Creepy old dude. You know, I'm busy being, you know, 17 and having fun. You know, maybe I would have gone to Ireland with my mom who knows, you know, maybe if my mom was in, you know, who knows, who knows. But I wouldn't have ended up in a lot of the situations that I was in that simple, deep knowledge that you are worthy as a human being. No matter what you look like, no matter what you do, no matter what mistakes that you make. And we all make mistakes because we're human beings. If I had that, then things would have been a lot different. Now that's not my reality.
And actually today I feel very thankful that I got to experience those things because now I'm so deeply passionate about sharing this message with the well. So other people who are maybe somewhere along the story that I, you know, the same story of me, maybe not the same extremes of homelessness and abuse and all that type of stuff, but somewhere, you know, not accepting you know, the best relationships and having crappy jobs and just being, you know, walked over and feeling like a doormat and not wearing clothes that they want and scared to wear a bikini and all that type of stuff. They can hear this message and be like, what? And have that same epiphany moment that I had years ago where it's like, what's up? What do you mean it's okay to be fat? No one's told me this. I want to be telling everyone and I want you as a listener to be also sharing this message with people in your life if you're able to and saying, yo, did you know the, it's okay to be fat and Hey, we don't always have to be on a diet.
And in fact diets don't work! And what an incredible world that would be if we could live in a place where little girls, little boys, children of any gender, know that their body is okay, what beautiful things could their lives turn into because of that? So that's why I do what I do. And now because I have this deep sense of worthiness, I have confidence. Now when I say confidence, a lot of people think arrogance. Some people might think I'm arrogant, but I know that I'm an incredible person. I also know that I am a deeply flawed person because I'm a human being. I'm not 100% good and I'm not 100% bad. I'm just a human being. But I'm also worthy of love and respect from everyone around me. And if I don't get it, then I put boundaries in place and I look after myself because I am precious.
And not only am I precious, everyone is, and it doesn't matter if you are fat or thin, you're still precious and worthy. So because of my new found confidence, I would do things like change up who I was dating. I'd start spotting red flags and be like, Mmm, no see ya later and I would ask for pay rises. I remember one time in my job I asked for a pay rise and my boss was this very conservative American guy. I was like can I have a two K pay rise? I was thinking, you know, I'd worked there for a couple of years and, and got a pay rise. And I remember very clearly him saying, Victoria, you're not worth two K more you're lucky you even have a job. And kind of went on a, on a rant of, you know, in this economy, blah, blah, blah.
And I listened to him and I, this is when I really knew my confidence or the work I'd been doing. All my confidence was paying off because I was listening to him, watching his mouth move, watching him being so certain that he was right in his opinion. And you know, he was right and his, his mind, he was right. That saying I wasn't worth 12 two K more and I wasn't internalizing what he was saying. I was just like, that's your opinion. That's not a fact. And so I went out and I got someone else's opinion. I got other company's opinions and he was right. I wasn't worth two K more, I's worth 12 K more, which is what I did is I got another job within a couple of weeks paying me 12 K more so old Victoria would have heard him say, you're not worth two K more.
And I would've just been like, I wouldn't have even asked for two. Came or did just settled in this job that I really hated, but knew Victoria was able to understand that what one person thinks of me is not the truth. I can decide. I have control about the narrative that's going on in my mind. And I continued with this like all these little steps of bravery, like at the time that were just so overwhelming. Now I wouldn't think twice of being like, give me some fucking money, bitch. You know what I mean? But at the time there were massive and all these little steps and big steps turned into even bigger things. So wearing a bikini and filming myself and putting it online and I was like, Oh my God, this is so scary. And then doing a TEDx talk where I take my clothes off at the end, if you haven't seen it, seen it, go find it.
Look at a TEDx and Victoria Welsby. And yes, I take my clothes off at the end. It's amazing shape. My fat titties all over the place. And wrote a best selling book and really I don't give a fuck what other people think of me. In regards to the negative opinions and really positive opinions about me is lovely, but it doesn't mean anything about me. It means something about you. What you're thinking about me is a reflection of you. Right. You know, someone who has high self esteem, who feels great is not gonna be you know, saying mean shit on the internet, right? Or the troll comments I get, I'm not like, that's a well balanced person, that person who's telling me that I'm a disgusting human being and I should die, they're not happy. So, but if someone is, you know, thinking good thoughts about me, it's probably because they have good thoughts in their brain about themselves.
So I wanted to tell you my story because I wanted to show a kind of dramatic version of going from someone who was terrified to talk to other people who, you know, experienced these things because I thought that I wasn't good enough into the extreme version of, you know, flopping my tits out on a TEDx stage and not giving one single flying fuck if people thought that I was unattractive. And so wherever you are, you can do it too. You can that there's a process that I have developed through all these years of therapy and all of this, you know, body positivity and fat positivity that I've been exposed to, but helps you get from, from a to B. It's called the fierce framework. And we'd be talking more about that in upcoming episodes. About the different things that you can be doing. But I just want you to know that it is possible.
It is possible. It doesn't matter how many years you have been hating your body. It doesn't matter if you are 90, a hundred years old. It can change. It doesn't matter if you really, you know, have a deep, deep hate for yourself. Of course it matters. But what I'm saying is that it can change, right? No matter what dark hole you're in right now, or maybe you're coming out of that dark hole it just takes one step in front of the other doing things that sometimes are scary and pushing yourself and surrounding yourself with messages like this message that I'm sharing today. So just by listening to this podcast today, you're taking another step forward to submerging yourself and fat positivity and knowing that, that it's possible and you know, anything is possible for you. Really, really anything is possible. So that's my story. I hope you got something from sharing this.
If you did, please let me know. Reach out to me if my story resonated with you in any way. And because I know you're the type of person who wants to share this message with the world, then please share this with with your friends. Please leave a review and subscribe to this podcast so you don't miss out on the future episodes which are going to be so juicy and filled with such amazing content. I can't wait to share that with you and I so appreciate you being here with me till the very end and being part of this first fatty revolution. Youre incredible thanks for being here. And I will see you on the next episode of the Fierce Fatty Podcast.
EP1 Transcript
You're listening to the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm Victoria Welsby Tedx Speaker, best selling author and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self esteem to being a courageous and confident Fierce Fatty who loves every inch of this jelly. Society teaches us living in a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money, and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed, or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century. So how do you stop a negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the Fierce Fatty Podcast. Let's begin.
This is episode one of the Fierce Fatty Podcast. I'm your host of Victoria Welsby. And O. M. G. I am so excited that you are here listening, tuning in to this podcast, which is going to be amazing, obviously. Um, so first episode here, I want to get into why I am creating this podcast, why it's needed, why it is important to me and to you and what to expect in the coming episodes. Um, so the reason why I've created, uh, the Fierce Fatty Podcast is I've run a business for a good few years now teaching uh, people to love their fat bodies, to feel confident around food. And I do weekly videos and I thought, you know, well people love listening to audio on the go. I know I do. When I'm getting ready in the morning, I listen to podcasts and when I'm out walking and all that stuff doing the washing, I'm listening to podcasts.
And so I wanted to get into your ears and spread this Fierce Fatty message around the world. And together we can change the world for those who come after us. And those who need to hear this message. So what fears fatty? Um, what the first fatty podcast is all about is it's anti diet. It's pro fatty. It's saying, listen, diets don't work, you know, 5% Max of diets. Um, we go on, we'll quote unquote work. Reality is, depending on your size, it's closer to nought perfect. And yet we keep doing it. The diet industry is worth $65 billion a year and 91% of women don't think that they're attractive. 91% of women, there's just bananas, right? And we get these messages most of the time from the moment we understand that we have a body. A lot of times we know what our body should be like.
And being fat is one of the things that we should not be or society tells us. And my story was very much that, you know, understanding from a very young age that my body was bigger than other children's bodies. And that was a bad thing. And because of that, I accepted so much shit into my life. Seriously. I'm going to share my story, uh, more in, in upcoming episodes. But, um, really my lack of self esteem in regard to my body led to disordered eating patterns led to being homeless, led to thinking it was okay to be abused, led to crap jobs led to just wasting so much time, money and effort on trying to become thin because I thought that becoming thin would make me happy, would mean that money was going to be running down from the sky, would mean that I could look in the mirror and be like, oh my God, who is this bird?
Babe would mean that I'd have amazing relationships, that just life would be great. And that's the lie that diet industry sells us because why would we be doing this shit like eating celery and dust for weeks at an end and starving ourselves if it wasn't for this dream that we were chasing. And it's not just the idea of having a smaller body, it's what having a smaller body means. And the truth is that you don't have to have a smaller body to get all of the things that you want. You can do that in the body that you have right now. And so a big thing about what I do is I teach, uh, enlightened eating, eating, which is a version of intuitive eating, but it's really focused on, uh, people living in bigger bodies because there's an extra element that US fatties have to deal with when it comes to eating that maybe people in smaller bodies don't have to deal with Aka experiencing fatphobia on a massive basis.
And so Fierce Fatty Podcast is all about looking at, uh, the food and, uh, what we're eating and how we're relating to that or the rules we have around that and looking at the way that we view our fat bodies. And really importantly, looking at the ways that we think about our fat bodies, the things that we believe that we believe to be truths, when in fact they're not. So a fact is something that is 100% true 100% of the time. And a lot of the times we have beliefs and we treat them like facts. Like I have a fat body. It's unattractive, I'm unlovable. I would be more attractive if I was them. Things like that. Is that, is that fact? Is it, is it, is it a fact? No, it's a belief. And so I really want to focus on shifting these limiting negative beliefs we have around our bodies and around food and getting rid of that diet culture bullshit from our lives because we haven't got time for that shit.
We are too busy being fabulous. Fatties taking over the world, just prancing around another keenis and feeling incredible. And if you're not at that place yet, them tune in to future episodes because we are going to get there. We're going to go through so many different topics. And so in the next episode I'm going to go into my story. And so from homeless homelessness and being abused and uh, all sorts of, all sorts of interesting things happening, um, to becoming a TEDX speaker, best selling author. And of course a certified at fierce fatty. Uh, we're also going to be looking at why diets are fucked. And so if you're on the fence, I'm dieting, or if you don't, maybe understand the full ramifications about dieting. Then tune into that next episode, episode three, where we're going to be talking about why diets are fucked. Um, we're talking about fat positivity versus dieting. I'm talking about these are our upcoming episodes, the three biggest fears we have about stopping dieting and loving our fat bodies and how to get over them. Why intuitive eating isn't working for you, why lacking confidence fucks with your life. All sorts of things. How to deal with fat phobia, internalized Fatphobia, how to deal with people around you who are like, oh my God, I'm starting this new diet where I just eat like mud and like a bird droppings.
Okay. And what does a, when someone in your life says shit like that. Ah, so lots of interesting, really juicy topics coming up in the future episodes of the Fierce Fatty Podcast Um, so I can't wait to get stuck in with you. Thank you so much for being here. Something that's going to be really helpful for spreading this message. And I know that you're the type of person who wants to spread this, uh, positive, positive and incredibly important message is to leave a review, a five star review, um, to subscribe to this podcast and to share it on social media and to say to people, Hey, tune in to this because this is a revolutionary stuff because really how much out there, uh, media are we consuming, which promotes a certain body type that is not really realistic and promotes eating in a certain way and dieting and, um, checking your body and all this bullshit and Fierce Fatty Podcast is not going to be that. It's going to be your refreshing dose of fat positivity in your life. So yes, spread the love, share the love, be involved in this, uh, Fierce Fatty revolution and let's change the world one fatty at a time. I'm so excited to get into these episodes with you. Uh, let's do it. Let's go into episode one. Come join me. It's going to be amazing.